Herr We Go

DOES Sven Goran Eriksson’s halo-styled hair have more bounce today?

We ask in light of the Mirror’s news that the England manager has just had a spell under Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson’s famous hairdryer.

“HERR DRYER,” says the Mirror’s headline. The news is that the pair shared a heated “four-letter exchange” over the matter of Wayne Rooney’s toe.

During the 25-minute phone call on Wednesday, Ferguson is said to have ranted at the Swede. “Ferguson goes ballistic over Rooney verdict,” says the Mail. The piece is afforded the exiting title “Sven at war”.

But surely Sven is too civilised for war? Is he not the man who emptied the dishwasher before bedding Faria Alam? Any fight with Sven will only take place once he has vacuumed the lounge carpet and dusted his Nancy.

But we are mistaken. And in the Express we read that Sven was up for a fight. The paper says that while Fergie ranted and raved, Sven “warned” him to stay out of things that do not concern him.

By way of an example of how Sven saw off Fergie’s assault, we note what he said to the assembled hacks. “I’m prepared to listen to everyone and discuss with them about Rooney, but the last say in this story is Rooney’s and mine.”

Though not quite in the league of Brian Clough (“If I had an argument with a player we would sit down for twenty minutes, talk about it and then decide I was right!”), Sven’s words are a welcome departure from his more usual “Yes, er, well, you see, yes, very good, I think so”.

And Sven has more to say. He continues: “I’m doing this in the best interests of Rooney, the England team and 40 million England fans. I’m responsible for it.”

Not to mention it being in the best interests of a manager keen to leave his job on a high and who knows that Rooney holds the key to England success.

But we must not be too excited. The Express hears from James Bliss, a consultant orthopaedic surgeon at Guy’s and St Thomas’s hospital, London. He says the nation is being “deluded” about Wayne. Says he: “There is a significant risk of his foot breaking down.”

But Bliss concedes that Rooney should be fit enough to play in the World Cup’s late stages. Which should be fine so long as the team qualify from their group.

And we should not expect too much. As the Mail reports, of 14 matches played in opening matches at major tournaments, England have won just three – and lost five.

And have never won an opening match with Rooney on the field…

Posted: 9th, June 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Real Love

World Cup Quotes

“He’s our best player and having him back helps our chances of going all the way” – Steven Gerrard on Wayne Rooney

“He has this harmony in his movements, a coordination that is very good and he also can go back and help with the game building” – Paraguay’s Santa Cruz on the robotic Peter Crouch

“In Spain, we all kiss each other before we go out. I nearly did it when I came off against Jamaica at Old Trafford. When Aaron [Lennon] was coming on, I reached forward to kiss him, but then thought, ‘No, I better not’” – David Beckham feels the love

“When you start with three points it’s like a password into the next round. The next game you don’t play with pressure, with a knife at your throat” – Poland’s left-back Michal Zewlakow prepares to stick it to Ecuador

“By scoring more goals, I suppose” – Poland’s coach Pawel Janas outlines his team’s cunning plan for victory in Germany

“Of course! I’m a fantastic dancer!” – Cameroon legend Roger Milla who romanced the corner flag in Italia ’90 with such panache

“I think I got all that out of my system quite quickly” – England’s Paul Robinson on the outbreak of vomiting and diarrhoea that afflicted his Spurs club on the last day of the Premiership season

World Cup Puns

HERR DRYER (Mirror) – Sven Goran Eriksson takes a phone call form Alex Ferguson

“You have to hand it to us” (Mail) – reliving Maradona and 1986

“STUFF ROO FERGIE” (Star) – More on that Sven-Ferguson row

“SWEDE REVENGE FOR SVEN (Star) – And again…

“Let’s get it Ron, lads” (Sun) – Ronaldinho can’t wait to face England

Posted: 9th, June 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Taxing Times

World Cup Winners

Taxing Times
Residents of Rio de Janeiro are “taxing” motorists to raise cash to pay for street decorations. Vehicles have been stopped and drivers invited to make “contributions” to help deck the streets out in Brazil’s green and yellow.

Not So Nazi
Insp Sandra Kessing, a German Federal Police officer, says plastic Nazi helmets worn by England fans are just a bit of a giggle. “They just want to have fun,” she said.

Looking For A Herro
Sven Goran Eriksson who stood his ground when confronted by an angry Alex Ferguson (See Backpages).

World Cup Losers

Causing A Stink
Three Englishmen are reported to be the first hooligans arrested at the World Cup. The yobs, who vandalised a taxi at the airport (!), pleaded guilty in a Cologne court to being drunk and disorderly.

Not Wanted
Police are looking for 180 banned individuals who failed to surrender their passports last week. The known troublemakers were required to do so by law.

Posted: 9th, June 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Wayne’s pain

Reports say Wayne Rooney was “blowing heavily” in yesterday’s England training session. Since breaking his foot, he has lost 7lb.

Togo’s Prime minister Edem Kodjo will travel to Germany today to help resolve a pay dispute with his country’s squad

Chelsea are to offer Frank Lampard an extra £40,000 a week to keep him at the club (Sun)

Craig Bellamy could be on his way to Liverpool (Express)

Newcastle are interested in making a £4m bid for Fulham’s Steed Malbranque (Mirror)

Manchester United are believed to be set to offer Spurs £7million for Michael Carrick (Independent)

Arsenal defender Pascal Cygan is set for a £1million move to St Etienne (Mirror)

Posted: 9th, June 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Model Behaviour

“IT’S time to end the clichés about Germany,” says Claudia Schiffer.

Schiffer, a German and, surprisingly to some not dressed in a pair of patent leather boots, slapping a small whip against her thigh and jutting out her chin, has been helping her country prepare for the World Cup.

“We want to do this with lightness,” says Claudia in an interview with the Times. “We want to show that Germans really do have a sense of humour and a creative flair.”

Sure, Albert Speer was creative. And what cinema goer hasn’t heard a German laugh, even in a sombre moment, like when telling a Britisher the war for them is over or pulling Dustin Hoffman’s teeth out.

But modern Germany is nothing like it was back in the middle of the last century. As the Times says, there is more to the place than “Hitler and Nazis”.

The paper tells us that Germany is “a land of inventors”, who created the aspirin, the laptop and a spiked running shoe (a particularly unpleasant weapon in the wrong hands).

The entire campaign is called ‘The Land of Ideas’.

The paper says Germans are being prepared for the arrival of a million tourists for the tournament with English language classes for bus and taxi drivers. Waitresses are being encouraged to ask customers if they have enjoyed their meals.

There are institutions called “Laugh Academies” and “Smile School”. Little more is said about them in the piece, but they sound uniquely terrifying and intrinsically German.

But the Germans are trying, and they are aware of their history. The Times uses the example of the official slogan for the World Cup, “A Time To Make Friends”.

Klaus von Dohnanyi, a retired German politicians and former government minister, explains: “A proper translation from the German slogan would be something like ‘We are playing host to our friends’, but that seems to be too bold a statement.”

Modern Germany is not just welcoming Japan, Croatia, Italy and maybe bits of Spain and France, it is welcoming everyone.

“Vorsprung durch football,” says the Times leader. This is Germany’s chance to show that the county is nothing like it was back in those “12 years of madness”.

Sport can present a new German face to the World. This is the biggest sporting event a unified Germany has staged since the 1936 Olympics. It’s sure to be a lot better than that…

Posted: 8th, June 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Can Go Roo

TOO often when a footballer appears on the front pages of the newspapers, the story is sleazy and salacious, taking in spit-roasts, booze and Page 3 stunnas.

But today the news is good. As the Sun’s front page says: “TOE NEWS IS GOOD NEWS.” Wayne Rooney will play in the World Cup. As the Mirror announces on its front page: “Roojoice!”

It was never a certainty the England tyro would make it to Germany. The Sun talks of a “battle” that “raged” for seven hours.

On one side were the blazer-clad doyens of the English FA. They saw the results of the scan on Rooney’s damaged metatarsal and wanted the player to join the rest of the England party in Baden Baden.

On the other side were Manchester United. They were less positive. As a source tells the paper: “It developed into a long hard struggle.”

But the FA won the day, and United are left sweating on the fitness of their star player.

But perhaps they need not worry. As the Mirror says, Rooney will only be fit to play in the later stages of the tournament. And there is no guarantee England will make it that far – especially without Rooney.

Writing in the Times, Martin O’Neill says that even with a “core of five or six genuine world-class players” it is Rooney who holds the key to England winning the tournament.

And scoring a penalty may be pretty important, too. There is a chance that England will face hosts Germany in the second round, a prospect David Beckham is not looking forward to.

The paper says a penalty shoot-out against the Germans is Beckham’s “nightmare”. Beckham – whose missed spot-kick played a part in England’s Euro 2004 quarter-final defeat on penalties to Portugal – says he hopes England “don’t meet Germany in a shoot-out”.

He’s not the only one. The woman seated behind the goal in Row Z is advised to buy a hard hat…

Posted: 8th, June 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Over The Roon

Quotes Of The Day

“I have never used my father for nepotism to boost my career” – Serbia & Montenegro’s Dusan Petkovic, son of team manager Ilija

“Wayne Rooney will be fit to play some part in Germany 2006” – FIFA give England fans hope

“The taller they are the harder they fall” – Paraguay’s Roque Santa Cruz on England’s Peter Crouch

“A penalty shoot-out is like Russian Roulette. It is a brutal way and there has to be a winner. We just hope we won’t meet Germany in a shoot-out” – David Beckham looks forward to another painful defeat

“The English know we have always been more successful than them in tournaments. That is instilled in the back of their minds” – Germany’s Jens Lehmann says Germany have the edge over England

Puns Of The Day

Wayne Rooney’s return to fitness:

“Over The Roon” (Mirror)

“Roojoice!” (Mirror)

“Toe news is good news” (Sun)

“Here we toe” (Star)

“World War Toe” (Sun)

“Swede dream” (Star) – Rooney to return for Sweden game

Posted: 8th, June 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

All Bar One

Winners

Winners Are Grinners

Ladbroke’s are hoping Wayne Rooney, Michael Owen or anyone other than Brazil’s Ronaldinho will be top scorer at the World Cup. A punter is set to win £671,000 if the toothsome one scores most.

Fred Certs

Bookmaker Fred Done has staked £250,000 at 10-1 on England winning the World Cup.

A Long Story

Residents of the German town of Unna are knitting a World Cup a scarf. When completed it will be eight miles long.

Losers

All Bar One

Residents in Oehringen, Germany, hosted a World Cup party for the Australian team. The beer was there. The big sausages were there. All the Australians were not there. Only Luke Wilkshire, who plays for League One Bristol City, bothered to turn up.

Demand For Tickets

England fans are angry that 21 nations have been given a larger ticket allowance. Organisers gave the FA just 9,269 tickets for England’s three Group B games. That’s less than Trinidad & Tobago (9,615 tickets), Togo (10,010), Ivory Coast (10,618) and Tunisia (11.854). The FA asked opposition FAs for any unsold tickets. An additional 4,889 have now been acquired.

Posted: 8th, June 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Sol Long

Barcelona are in the hunt for Chelsea’s Frank Lampard. The Spanish side are prepared to offer Portuguese player Deco and cash (Sun)

Arsenal and Tottenham are both interested in French left-back Benoit Assou-Ekotto (Mirror)

Liverpool players Steen Gerrard and Peter Crouch have asked manager Raphael Benitz to buy Birmingham’s Jermaine Pennant (Sun)

Portsmouth boss Harry Redknapp is ready to pay £5m to West Brom for defender Curtis Davies (Sun)

Spurs are ready to make a £2m bid for Blackburn’s Steven Reid (Sun)

Crystal Palace chairman Simon Jordan has been in talks with Graeme Souness about the vacant manager’s post at Selhurst Park (Various)

Wolves’ Joleon Lescott is set to sing for Everton for £5m (Sun)

Fulham are willing to pay £3m for Birmingham striker Emile Heskey (Guardian)

Middlesbrough are set to sign Cameroon winger Rudolphe Douala from Sporting Lisbon for £2m (Sun)

Sol Campbell is set to leave Arsenal for Turkish club Fenerbahce (Star)

Paraguay’s captain Carlos Gamarra says England will not even make it through Group B (Various)

Posted: 8th, June 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Poles Apart

It is only in the interests of reporting and context that the Times is forced to mention that line, as delivered by Basil Fawlty to a table of German tourists.

Indeed, the Times is nothing if not thorough and in this era of journalism for all and blogging, it is good to see a venerable old newspaper giving over a section to the scene in which the proprietor of a hotel in Torquay commands his staff, “Don’t mention the War.”

But things have moved on. Now the order of the day is for harmony, and not “two egg mayonnaise, a prawn Goebbels, a Hermann Goering and four Colditz salads”.

The Times says that John Cleese, who brought Mr Fawlty to the world, is a Germanophile who is backing projects designed to foster unity and banish bigotry.

Says Cleese: “I’m delighted to help with trying to break down the ridiculous anti-German prejudices of the tabloids and clowns like Basil Fawlty, who are pathetically stuck in a world view that’s more than half a century out of date.”

Of course the “Achtung! Achtung” headlines of the tabloid press the preceded England-Germany encounters and songs about Ten German bombers are old hat. And we pity those anachronistic types among us who saw Basil goose-stepping in his hotel and laughed at the German guests and not the Britisher’s inability to let go of the past. Shame on you.

But Cleese is hopeful of making us look to the brave new tomorrow, and he’s backing a new song those jingoistic types on the terraces can sing.

Lay down your inflatable spitfires, stop the Escape To Victory theme tune and give full throat to Don’t Mention The War.

The song includes such lines as: “They might have bombed our chipshop 60 years ago/ But a billion pints of lager later, here we go (come on then!).” And: “Bend that ball round the wall Instead of saving Poland we are scoring goals/ After 40 years of extra time and bacon rolls (bacon rolls!)”

It cannot fail. As Wolfgang Ischinger, Germany’s football-loving Ambassador, says, the World Cup aims to “show that the clichés and stereotypes of the old days are no longer relevant”.

And anyone who says otherwise is sad and pathetic and deserves to be taken outside and shot…

Posted: 2nd, June 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Footing The Bill

Mistakes are easily made. Had Prince Harry worn a swastika to a friend’s fancy dress party in downtown Munich he would have been fined.

What passes for comedy in these lands will earn you a swift telling off and more bedsides over there.

So anyone walking the streets of Berlin, raising an arm to point out interesting masonry work on such and such a building while rubbing an index finger across their top lip in thoughtful contemplation should take care. Your actions may be misconstrued.

And there is more. The Mirror has printed a handy tear-out-and-keep guide to what various activities in Germany will earn you.

The section is headed “Yob footie fans face list of set fines”.

A breach of the peace will cost you £107. Causing actual bodily harm to another will set you back £850. Being drunk or urinating in public costs you £100, far in excess of the proverbial penny. And dropping litter is met by a fine of £50.

Readers should note that this is not meant to be a price list. Travelling England fans are not to view the list as some kind of menu from which to select the yobbery du jour.

Gangs of lads high on hooch and fuelled by gigantic sausages should not club together and afford their designated representative the ‘treat’ of beating a fan of a foreign team to a bloody pulp.

A price tag of £850 may be reasonable, and no more than the price of a standard ticket to watch Chelsea, but it is bad form to smash people’s faces in.

That said, forearmed is the hooligan who goes equipped to the match, ensuring he has enough cash left over from buying beer, more beer and David Hasselhoff T-shirts to pay off the German judiciary should he get pinched taking a leak in the street.

Lastly, we see that streaking on the pitch carries a fine of £8,000.

Whether or not this represents good value for money depends on timing. Get it right, and you and the crime will pay for itself as you appear on daytime TV and your own website.

Time it badly, say, when David Beckham is all set to take a crucial penalty and the ensuing mass brawl could earn enough fines to bankrupt the country…

Posted: 26th, May 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Don’t Mention Culloden

There will be no Tartan Army wandering about Germany behaving well and doing their best to show that they are not English. The Scots are not a bit like those jingoistic England fans. Well, not when they are abroad and the English are watching.

Scotland will be tuning in to Big Brother when Theo Walcott trots onto the pitch in Berlin and lashes home the winning goal in the final.

The Scots will be trying to forget the English but the English will be remembering the Scots. As the Telegraph reports, the BBC has selected Judas Maccabeus, Handel’s oratorio, for its World Cup theme.

Handel is seen as suitable because the composer was born in Germany and became a British citizen.

But keen followers of classical music will quickly realise that this stirring piece includes a tribute to the Duke of Cumberland – See the Conquering Hero Comes. They and historians will note that he inflicted defeat on the Jacobite army of Bonnie Prince Charlie at Culloden.

Rob Gibson, a Scottish National Party member of the Scottish Parliament, notes the work’s significance. Says he: “How can they possibly encourage people [in Scotland] to support England when we are exposed to symbols of oppression like this?”

We could interject and say that many Scots make a point in major sporting events of not supporting England, going as far as cheering on the Germans in penalty shoot outs against the auld enemy.

But we must let Gibson continue. “At a time when multi-culturalism is being celebrated, I can’t understand how they can be so insensitive. It’s an Anglo-centric view… of the world and of music.”

Hamish Husband, of the Tartan Army, is appalled. He tells the paper: “Normally it takes a few minutes after England kick off for a commentator to start talking about 1966 before I start going off England. This time they’ve done it five weeks early.”

Happily, Hamish, Rob and many other Scots can ignore Handel and stick with Paul Oakenfold’s Big Brother theme tune, and their dreams of a German penalty.

Posted: 11th, May 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Putting The Lag In Lager

‘“GOERING. Goering. Gone.” And so another point of Spitfire beer (“The Bottle of Britain”) is poured down the neck of an English patriot.

And there is more. “ALE MEET AGAIN,” says the Star, picking thought its dog-eared dictionary of World War II puns. Spitfire Ale has been “accused of goose-stepping over the mark”.

How so? The Star produces a montage of posters produced by Shepherd Neame, who produce the drink. There’s a shot of Adolph Hitler, a famous non-drinker, and the message “Spot the ball”.

Another advert has free drinking and smoking Winston Churchill giving the “V” for Victory salute and ordering “Two more pints please”.

But now there is something else. Beneath a picture of runners taking part in the London Marathon is the image of Hitler. He is wearing a T–shirt bearing the message: “I DIDN’T RUN THE WORLD.”

This is big news for The star – “Your Official World Cup Paper”. And it has reached the ears of the Germans.

An official at the German embassy in London tells the paper: “This would never have happened under our laws. You would go to prison for that in Germany.”

Putting the lag in lager, so to speak…’

Posted: 29th, April 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Uber Alles

‘“YOU’RE the first in my life/ To make me think/ That we might just go all the way…”

That’s a verse from the official England World Cup song by Embrace. It might sounds like some adolescent teen dreaming of losing his virginity, but it is a football song sure to inspire the lads to score on the pitch.

But the Sun thinks something more dynamic is needed. So it has published its own anthem. It’s based on the theme tune to the TV show Dad’s Army, a series set in World War II.

The song includes the “catchy” lyrics “Who do you think you are kidding Jurgen Klinsmann? If you think we’re on the run…”

Clearly the song is utterly dreadful. But there is better to come. And it mentions the war in more overt ways.

The writer of this tune is Justin Hawkins, lead singer of Queen tribute band, The Darkness. The Sun says that Justin is “horrified” that England’s official anthem ignores our 1945 victory over the Bosch.

“Why can’t we commemorate all those men who gave their lives in the name of freedom in the war?” asks Justin. “And, of course, in this case – to bash The Hun. It’s a national sport.”

Well, if you can’t beat them at football, you can at least out sing them.

So take it away, Justin: “We fought them on the beaches now we’ll pay them on the field. Once again the world will surely yield.”

And then there’s the middle bit. Justin’s chorus is based on the German national anthem. Justin says the word “England” in time to the oompah band’s Teutonic beat.

It is nothing less than inspired. But will it be enough?’

Posted: 27th, April 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Joking Apart

‘“WE haf ways of making you laugh,” says the Sun’s headline, a twist on the old German staple. “GERMANS TO SHOW FUNNY SIDE.”

How can the Hun fail to laugh as the Sun’s St George mounts his trusty steed and rides into Berlin?

One of the old enemy even manages to make what may well be a joke. Says German fan Udo Schneider: “The horse would walk into our team.”

Of course, given the current palsied state of the German national aide, Herr Schneider may just be stating a fact.

But while German fans chant “Three World Cups and one world Pope”, Germany’s new ambassador to Britain says that he will prove that Germans have a fine sense of humour.

Wolfgang Ischinger, for it is he, says Germans “love to have parties and they have parties more than most people”, like the Austrians and Swiss.

“The tournament gives us the perfect opportunity to present a new image of our country. This is the year for us to show that the clichés and stereotypes of the old days are no longer relevant.”

No longer relevant? Now he really is joking. Although beating the Germans on penalties would make a welcome change…’

Posted: 24th, April 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Ein Song Fur Europe

‘“ZING VEN YOU’RE WINNING,” says the Star, a finger shoved under its nose as is stifling a derisory snort.

The paper says that “Foreign Office bigwigs” have told England’s brave supporters to sing songs in German at the World Cup.

Singing in German will, as the Foreign Office advice runs, enable the 100,000 England supporters expected to descend on the land of the Hun to bond with their hosts.

As FO Minister Lord Triesman says: “On our website there will be translations of England football songs that might be a bit of fun.”

But before you look up the German for “You’re going home in a St John’s ambulance”, “Dambusters” and the “Ten Bombers” chant, Lord Triesman says, “There is no need to do anything gratuitously offensive.”

Indeed, there is not. There is no need, but sill we expect that lots and lots of England fans will cause offence.

Still the Sun has a go at following this diktat. “Drei lowen auf einem hemd, Jules Rimet noch glanzendes,” says the Sun, getting into the party mood with a German version of Three lions of a shirt, Jules Rimet still gleaming.

And there is more. “Sie singen nicht mehr” (You’re not singing anymore), “Jetz gehts England!” (Come on England), “Fueen Sie den Schweden ab” (Sack the Swede) and “Sind Sie Schottland in derVerkleidung?” (Are you Scotland in disguise) are all given full throat.

But surely this is all unnecessary. As any English football supporter who has ever witnessed a German crowd in full voice knows, the old enemy often sing in fluent and immaculate English.

There is a real danger that some of England’s more obedient supporters will be the only ones belting out a tune in the German language.

It’s a happening that could lead to all sorts of ramifications, not least of all when other less enlightened England fans mistake these singers for Germans and decide to set about them with inflatable aircraft and fists…’

Posted: 20th, April 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Goering Up

‘IS it pronounced ‘Goering’?

We are unsure, and just ask England football supporters to take care when ordering their new “GER-ENG TRANSLATOR” T-shirts, less they invoke the spirit of Nazi leader Hermann Goering and upset their World Cup hosts.

As the Star reports, the “England 2006” T-shirt is available from the Asda chain of supermarkets, and features some key phrases to get the most Europhile England fan understood.

Helpfully, the German phrases are printed on the T–shirt’s back thus giving lads something to study as they queue up for “zehn pints von larger bitte, barman”.

This is just great. And, as the Star says, this mobile, man-sized phrasebook forms just one part of the “wacky products” “hordes of spectators stampeding over to watch the World Cup” will carry before them.

Other items include World War 2 hats bearing the legend “Come On England” – or “Vorld Vor Zwie Hets”, as England’s German speaking fans are wont to call them…’

Posted: 10th, April 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

We’re No. 1

‘WHEN Wimbledon FC were in their prime, they used to frighten the opposition by taking a radio into the dressing room and blasting our hardcore techno house music.

Vinnie Jones and his team-mates might have hated the din, but they knew that the opposition hated it more. Victory was theirs. They charged onto the field of play – hearts racing at 200 beats per minute – ready to do some damage.

Such a policy might also work for the English national side. Team England are always slow starters in tournaments (and too-quick finishers), and the idea of Sven dispensing with his pre-match whispers to blare out Funk D’Void’s Volume Freak is worthy of consideration.

In Euro ’96, while we sang Three Lions on the terraces, better had the lads stuck on Black Grape’s England’s Irie in the dressing room, a song that features the threatening lyric “Cut the trigger, I fire like this”.

But you can talk and talk and talk and still the FA will produce (How Does it Feel To Be) On Top of the World, the disastrous 1998 song featuring the Spice Girls and Ian McCulloch.

Of course, as Kevin Keegan assured us back in 1982, this time it will be different. This time England will be cheered on by Embrace.

As the Times says, this band have an affinity with the national game. BBC TV’s Match Of The Day uses their song Ashes to spice up the Goal Of The Month competition (“I’ve waited and given the chance again/ I’d do it all the same but either way/ I’m always out played up on your down days/ I left in the right way to start again”.) And the band’s Gravity was used as the theme for the film Mike Bassett: Manager.

Which means that the FA’s search for a song is over. Tom Harold, the FA’s marketing manager, is relieved. “With only 75 days to go until England’s first game, against Paraguay, everybody has been asking who will get the gig. We’d like to think we’ve pulled off something of a coup by bagging such a great band,” he tells the Times.

Sure, the FA would like to congratulate itself. But before the blazers order champagne and secretaries all round, they should consider what it is they hope to achieve by the song.

Do they want the fans to hum the official anthem in their cars and sing it in the ground? Or do they want it to stir the team into a state of rare excitement and passion – and for the Brazilians, Germans and Dutch to hate it?’

Posted: 28th, March 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Who’s The Singer In The Black?

‘“ALL across the nation. You can taste the expectation. Finish what we started, England the lionhearted.”

There’s more.

“Every single player (woe oh oh). Holds our destiny (woe oh oh). And they’ll all be heroes on plasma screen TVs.”

Such are the lyrics for the song that could yet become England’s official anthem at this summer’s World Cup. The Sun says that version of Tony’s Christie’s (Is This The Way To) Amarillo is the Football Association’s No.2 choice.

The only thing the blazers at football headquarters would like more is Baddiel and Skinner’s Three Lions. We all now how it goes; and it will need reworking to make an impact. Perhaps the introduction of a bevy of scantily clad FA secretaries would help repackage the tune?

Third choice is a song by a band called Kasabian. The band have already written music for television football shows Match Of The Day and Sky’s Soccer AM.

They have form. They might get the gig. And, then again, they might not.

One other option is to use the Man In Black. The Times says that the late Johnny Cash is achieving a fame of sorts on the terraces at Liverpool.

It seems that Liverpool fans have been humming the tune Ring Of Fire at games. It’s even become a kind of mating call. To check if there are other Liverpool fans in the area, a Scouser sings out “Du, du, du, du, du. Dah, Dah, dah” and waits for the responsive echo.

Of course, Scousers run the considerable risk of sounding like Sting fans, something which should be avoided at all times.

On the plus side, it is an all purpose tune. England cricket fans like it. Ring Of Fire might yet become a universal anthem for all sports.

So let us take a look at the Times and see how the Barmy Army’s rendition. In India to watch England escape to victory, the lads are giving full throat to: “Grit…is a splendid thing/ That’s how…we dealt with Harbhajan Singh/ We…improved our statures/ Defying a ring of catchers.”

There is more. You want more? You sure you can handle it? Ok. Here goes…

“I fell into a baptism of fire/ When Vaughan went home our plight seemed dire/ But I turned, turned, turned/ The series around, The series around.”

Enough? You betcha. It might not be the song that wins the day, but it is the fans’ own chant – at least it was before the Press got wind of it.

And that’s the thing. Whatever the official anthem is, the fans will come up with a better one. It might be an awful song, but it will be their awful song.’

Posted: 23rd, March 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

They Predict A Riot

‘“I PREDICT A RIOT,” chant the Kaiser Chiefs, Britain’s new and highly praised Oi band.

And so it was that the English Football Association believed they had found the act to sing the team’s official World Cup anthem.

This time, more than any other time, this time, England would get it right. The team would love it, and back home we’d sing loud and long into the night. But when the idea was put to the group, they shook their heads.

As the Sun reports, the boys have released a statement explaining their reasons for turning down their country in its time of greatest need. It reads: “We have no plans to write the England football team’s Wold Cup song. We are sorry to dispel the myth.”

Back in FA headquarters, the protectors of the national game have taken time out from playing keepy-uppy with secretaries to put their heads in their hands. As the paper says, FA chief executive Brian Barwick is “gutted” by the band’s decision.

A source at the FA says: “It’s a bit of a sickener.” Indeed. “They think it doesn’t fit in with their image.” And that is the image of a band that supports Leeds United and is named after the team former Leeds captain Lucas Radebe once played for in South Africa

But there is no use complaining. The FA must press on and find a band able and willing to provide the musical accompaniment to England’s great adventure. But who?

Sources say McFly could get the nod, reworking their song Home Is Where The Heart Is. Or they could not.

At the time of writing, things are like Team England’s Plan B – up in the air…’

Posted: 16th, March 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Hitler Youth

‘“STOP ZIS MENTION OF WAR,” says the Star in its best sitcom German. Too much talk of the war is no good at all. For you, the war is over etc.

This, of course, is not the paper’s view, but that of Dr Keith Crawford. Yes, that Dr Crawford, of Edge Hill International Centre in Liverpool. That’s the place the Star claims “trains more secondary teachers than anywhere else in Britain”.

What a secondary teacher is, we are unsure, but Edge Hill trains lots of them, and being experts in matters secondary, Dr Keith is ideally placed to talk about the war.

Says he: “For the British, defeating Germany on the battlefield and on the football pitch are comparable national triumphs”. We refer you to the popular ditty ‘Two world Wars And One World Cup (doo-dah, doo-dah)’.

But it must end. Such behaviour is detrimental to good education. As Dr Crawford continues: “Our research shows pupil understanding of Germans and Germany is totally negative from quite a young age.” (At which juncture in the piece the Star produces an illustrative shot of a typical German, who may or may not look like Adolf Hitler, speaking to the dewy-eyed German masses.)

Such a narrow view of a country and its peoples is, as the Star says, damaging the campaign to tackle hooliganism at the World Cup. So it must end.

But Dr Crawford does concede: “We are not suggesting we ignore the obscenities of war.” That would be wrong. It is just that we stop talking about it.

And instead of illustrating stories about Germany with shots of Hitler and his Herrenvolk, we must choose images of other Germans.

Like Eurovision Song Contest winner Nicole, that footballer with the curly hair who got spat at, Hans Tilkowski, Horst-Dieter Höttges, Willi Schulz, Wolfgang Weber, Karl-Heinz Schnellinger, Helmut Haller, Franz Beckenbauer, Wolfgang Overath, Uwe Seeler, Siegfried Held, Lothar Emmerich and Harald Schumacher.’

Posted: 16th, March 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Dutch caps

‘IT is not only the English who are unable and unwilling to forget the war. The Dutch are finding it hard to move on.

To keep the memory alive, they have taken to wearing Nazi helmets, like the ones worn by the Germans who invaded their country between World Cup 1938 and World Cup 1950. Only these ones are orange.

Understandably, modern Germany is unimpressed. Supt Andreas Morbach, the joint head of the German police’s national football intelligence unit, says: ‘The helmets are a potential provocation.” He goes on: ‘It is not nice to have a sports event compared to war and to wear this helmet in such a way is not to cause a joke, it is to cause offence. All references to the war cause unpleasant feelings.’

Quite so. We could not agree. Mentioning the war is arcane, unenlightened and hurtful, even if it our right as free citizens not enslaved under the burden on unspeakable tyranny to do so.

And the Dutch FA agrees. Football’s governing body in the Netherlands, the KNVB, has banned the helmets, saying they are offensive.

‘We don’t see the joke in wearing these helmets and think they are in bad taste,’ says KNVB spokesman Frank Huizinga. ‘A lot is possible in Holland, but we will not accept everything.’

And the ban has not passed unnoticed among the Dutch. As a direct result of the ruling, sales of the helmets have trebled. “We are now selling three times the previous average daily volume,’ says the helmet’s producer Florian van Laar. ‘We are thinking of sending the KNVB a gold helmet in thanks.”

The plastic hats don’t only come in orange and gold. Laar’s company makes them in the national colours of Australia, England, Germany, France and Italy.

And the news is that although they are banned in Holland, the manufacturers claim German police recently informed them they will allow fans to wear the helmets during the games because they were not adorned with Nazi symbols.

As helmet designer Weno Geerts puts it: “Germany should prepare for an invasion.”’

Posted: 14th, March 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Ho Ho Jose

‘IF you can gauge your success by the calibre of your enemies, Joe Mourinho is either very successful (fans loyal to the mighty Barcelona hate him) or languishing in the relegation zone (Mourinho says Bryan Robson of West Bromwich Albion has been insulting Chelsea’s players).

In what is routinely called a strongly worded statement, Mourinho celebrated another functional win by his pragmatic and increasingly soulless looking Chelsea side by moaning and posturing.

By now we have realised that the presence of other teams in the Premier League is an inconvenience to Mourinho and his highly paid team. But – come on – can’t he at least pretend Chelsea are in the same league as these other less worthy sides?

It seems not. Having refused to speak to the press after the match, Mourinho wanted us to dwell on his every word without the inconvenience of a journalist asking him questions and debating his answers. Forget the post-match interview. Be quiet and listen.

The statement reads: “After 57 seconds he [Bryan Robson] was out of the dugout accusing Duff of diving and shouting at the referee and the general trend continued.”

Good job Mourinho was there to be superior. And we got to see just how much better Mourinho is than the West Brom manager when in leading his team out late for the second half, and so further riling his opposite number, he turned away and smirked.

Is there anything more guaranteed to get the general public to look sympathetically on Robson’s tirade then seeing the supposed victim smirk?

Would Mourinho, had he been capable of playing for a good enough team, have smirked at former England captain Robson on the field of play? And, had he done so, would Robson have responded with a post-game statement or something more instant that still managed to speak volumes?

Or, just perhaps – and here we are really fantasising – Mourinho would have done as Chelsea’s Arjen Robben did a couple of weeks ago, and his team-mate Didier Drogba did at West Brom, and take a dive.

In our dream, Mourinho would recover from his grotesque brush with a blade of grass in time to look up at the red-carded Robson and smirk. Or, better yet, Mourinho would be the bigger man and offer Robson his hand to shake. No hard feelings. And no Christmas cards…’

Posted: 7th, March 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

War Balls

‘THERE’S not long to go before the World Cup gets underway in Germany, and the papers are desperate to avoid any mention of the war.

Problem is that the war keeps invading the sports stories.

Last week, in an informative and knowing article in the Star on the 95-room Schlosshotel Bühlerhöhe close to Baden-Baden, where team England will be hard at it during the tournament, Hitler made a shock appearance.

“SVEN WE NEED A GHOULKEEPER,” said the headline over a story that the five-star hotel in Germany’s Black Forest is haunted by the spirit of Adolf Hitler.

The Star heard locals say that guests had woken in the night to see Hitler’s “screaming ghost in a ball of flames”.

We don’t want to mention ze var but then neither do we want our brave boys to be confronted by the last word in night lights.

And there’s more. The Sun says that English fans caught goose-stepping, straight-arm waving and rubbing the index fingers under their noses will be arrested.

For purposes of instruction, the paper illustrates its cultural travel guide to Germany with a front-page shot of Basil Fawlty putting considerable effort into not mentioning the war.

This is sensible reporting. Forewarned is forearmed. So, when in Germany, keep your forearms bent at the elbow at all times. If you find yourself struck by a sudden desire to point at something high up, like an airplane, a cloud or David Beckham’s penalty from Euro 2004, use a branch or a small child for the purpose.

There is a strong desire not to offend the hosts. So keen is it that the Sun, pricked by a sense of European brotherhood, feels compelled to tell the German police that their logo looks like, well – you guessed it – Hitler.

It’s as if the Germans are fixated with the man. Will they never let him go? If they’re not letting him run amuck in hotels, they’re sticking his head on a football.

For your education, we’ve reproduced said logo on this page. As the Sun notes, the character wears a military-style cap and balances the world on his finger.

All very innocent. Until you notice the black smudge. As a spokesman for Germany’s National Football Information Point tells the paper: “The position of the black panel is unfortunate if you look at it in a certain way. But it is arguable whether people would think it was Hitler – unless the resemblance was pointed out.”

So lest you think the logo looks like some demented snowman, the Sun points out the image’s resemblance to the Nazi leader (with an arm bent to the point of deformity).

It also hears from a national police spokesman. He adds: “We are very disappointed and cannot understand how somebody could think this smiling face is the dictator.”

Indeed. But facts are facts. One German cop’s happy football is a tabloid writer’s grinning despot.

But at least we all understand that football is just a game. So long as we don’t mention ze var…’

Posted: 10th, February 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Inflaming Passions

‘MORE Nazi-tendentiousness in action now as the Sun reports on how “We’ll fight them on the terraces”.

“We”, for the purposes of the article, are England football fans, and we are travelling to Germany armed to the teeth with a squadron on inflatable Spitfires.

Now, to accompany the lone gunners who rise meerkat–like from their seats to strafe the enemy with ack-ack fire are 1,000 fighter aircraft.

Complete with RAF emblems, but not live rounds, the 3ft-long Spitfires are sure to tickle the hosts’ funny bones.

Or so you would have supposed. But no. A spokesman for the German World Cup organising committee is concerned. “You mean Spitfires – like those from the war?” he asks. We fear so. “No. This is not a good idea at all. They might seem a joke but could be seen as inflammatory.”

For sure. But if we are aiming at historical accuracy, we would like to point out that Zeppelins are inflammatory. Doodlebugs are inflammatory. Spitfires are inflatable…’

Posted: 10th, February 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment