Back pages | Anorak - Part 95

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Premier League news. Stories from the newspapers and BBC sport – sports news from tabloids Daily Mail, Daily Express, Daily Star, the Guardian, Daily Mirror, the times, daily telegraph

Changing Faces

‘YOU can imagine the conversation at the Beckham breakfast table this morning.

Now showing on The Disney Channel

”Oh, Day-vid, it’s brilliaant. I always wanted to go to live in It-taly,” says she who must be obeyed. ”Yeah,” says Dave. ”Real Madrid’s got some great shops.”

Whichever country the Beckhams do end up in, the Sun says that David will be plying his trade for the Catalan masters next season.

If this is not shocking enough for Manchester Untied fans, the news that their new hero is to be the Brazilian Ronaldinho must be.

From the most photogenic face in football, the Red Devils have adopted Goofy as their poster boy. Look out for a new sponsorship deal with Disney.

The rest of the sports news is dominated by football transfer speculation.

”Kewell set for Leeds showdown,” says the Mirror; Spurs have tried and failed to buy Freddie Kanoute from West Ham (Mirror); and in the Express, we hear how Arsenal are set to replace David Seaman with Valencia’s goalkeeper, Santiago Canizares.

The Sun even spots Roy Keane planning a move of his own – from the pitch to the coaching staff. The Irishman has enrolled on a ten-day intensive training course at Warwick University in a bid to earn his Uefa B badge.

Could Keane be the next manager of Manchester United? It’s less likely than Cherie Blair taking charge of London’s bid to host the 2012 Olympics.

And that’s a move the Mail says would mean kissing the Games goodbye. Cherie’s lack of judgement and vanity would do any bid no favours.

But already she seems to have taken notice of her husband’s eager-to-please style and the Mail duly shows sportswoman Cherie hitting a tennis ball outside Number 10.

That’s enough to make her mad keen on sport – and a certainty for the job.

Posted: 5th, June 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment

Cole The Goal

‘JOE Cole, the sloppy-jawed Went Ham captain, was hailed as the boy wonder of English football a season or so back.

Joe Cole was still learning how to take his shirt off

Since then his club have been relegated from the Premier League and he’s been at best on the fringes of the England team.

Last night, though, he came off the England bench to strike a terrific shot into the back of the net. His 25-yard freekick even triggers the Mirror to asks: ”Who needs Becks?”

The answer is simple: England. The national team need Beckham because without him the lack of cohesion and purpose has no-one to hide behind.

Too often Becks and not England is the story, a situation that makes displays without him especially awful to watch.

England did win the game against Serbia-Montenegro by two goals to one, a result that the Sun says is ”overshadowed” by the appearance of 43 different players – Serbia-Montenegro 22; England 21 – and no less that FOUR England captains.

There could have been five skippers on the night had David Seaman been playing, but the Arsenal and England goalkeeper has decided to call it day on competitive football and head for the Manchester City retirement village.

The Sun claims that the big guffawing Yorkshireman has agreed to sign for Kevin Keegan’s blues, seduced, no doubt, by their award-winning spirit of fair play and Premier League credentials.

And the small matter of a year-long contract that guarantees him what ageist Arsenal could not – first-team football.

Talking of not knowing when to quit, we now turn to the farce that is professional boxing.

In light of Audley Harrison’s challenge to Frank Bruno, the Sun hears reigning heavyweight world champion Lennox Lewis offer the panto prince £50,000 to stay out of the ring.

”If Frank needs the money that badly I’ll give him £50,000 just to stay out of the ring so that he doesn’t get hurt too badly,” says Lewis.

And before you say anything, no, not hurt by Harrison – by Lewis, who might be called upon to fight a resurgent Bruno.

”If Bruno comes back into boxing and fights me I would not want to be charged with murder,” says Lewis.

Although, the promoters would make something of a killing…

Posted: 4th, June 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment

Captain Chaos

‘THE claim that there are no easy matches in international football clearly does not go for the players who turn out for England. How hard can it be to trot abound for 40-odd minutes?

”One breath, two breath…”

Last night’s game against Serbia-Montenegro was painful stuff – fitting really since Sven’s men were faced with a side hereon known as S&M.

Sven’s apparent desire to give everyone a game is a noble idea, very egalitarian and all, but it cheapens the whole experience of playing for your country, being considered one of the nation’s best.

Would Andy Gray, the former Crystal Palace player who turned out once for England, get a good price on his England tracksuit in today’s cluttered market?

No chance – it’d be on the rack with those belonging to Michael Ricketts, James Beattie, Matthew Upson, Ledley King and more.

And then there are the captains. Questions must be posed as to what exactly Eriksson thinks a captain does. Last night England had four men don the skipper’s armband.

In order of appearance they were: Michael Owen, Emile Heskey, Phil Neville and Jamie Carragher.

Can Carragher, the most blunt-footed defender on a dull, pragmatic Liverpool’s books, be mentioned in the same breath as Bobby Moore, Billy Wright and David Beckham?

And what of Emile Heskey? Sven said he thought it would be nice for Emile to be made captain in front of his hometown Leicester crowd.

If next time Emile brings his own ball, maybe Sven will give him free licence to score a goal.

And if you think that’s fanciful, ask yourself this: what odds could you have got on Phil Neville being made skipper of the national side before last night?

We’re unsure, but you’d be rich today.

Neville can barely manage to breathe with his mouth closed. Heap on this the expectation to lead the team and interpret the manager’s instructions – vital tools in any decent captain’s armoury – and a confused Neville might even forget which way he’s kicking.

It is all a sorry state. At least when Beckham recovers from injury, the also-rans and never-will-bes will have someone to take the attention off of them.

Posted: 4th, June 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment

England Expects The Worst

‘HERES a headline to instil fear and dread in the hearts of England’s footballing foe: ”Neville is England linchpin.” And that’s Phil not Gary.

Phil won’t be taking over Becks’ modelling engagements

The Mail says that Phil Neville is the ”anchor” in England’s midfield. Tonight against Serbia-Montenegro, Phil will give the England team the cohesion and solid foundation they need to succeed.

Come on, take your head out of your hands. Phil’s not a bad lad – he’s a darn sight better that the yobs who follow the national side.

And they’ve been occupying the mind of England striker Michael Owen.

Speaking to the Star, Owen is concerned that the behaviour of England fans will see the side banished from Euro 2004.

”Just think what a summer it will be like if we missed out because we were banned,” says Owen.

People living in Portugal, where the Euro championships are to be played, will be excused of imagining a great summer – a season of joy, street carnivals of colour, culture and fun.

But for the English, who like their summers spent smashing up Lisbon, it would be a tragedy.

Of course, you don’t have to go abroad to be a public nuisance – not when you’re a boxer like Herbie Hide.

The Sun catches up with the man who caused mayhem at Audley Harrison’s last fight and asks him what’s what.

”I’m not denying that I’m nuts,” says Herbie, ”but, unfortunately for him it’s his job to box people like me.”

The ”him” is the aforesaid Harrison, who seems to have chosen to box Frank Bruno over Hide.

In any case, if boxing promoter Frank Warren has his way, Hide will be banned from boxing anyone.

”He is a bully,” says Warren, failing to say whether that is a good or bad thing in boxing. ”He should be banned from boxing,” he adds for good measure.

And so he should – hitting people and staring fights is just not on.

Posted: 3rd, June 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment

Fair’s Unfair

‘TO be fair to him, Kevin Keegan has already voiced his dislike of Uefa’s ridiculous Fair Play scheme that has seen Manchester City qualify for Europe next season.

Kevin Keegan tries to get the bonus point for a smile

But it would have been too much to ask for the club to have refused the spot offered in next year’s Uefa Cup.

Club chairman John Wardle was understandably delighted because the will no doubt bring much-needed revenue to the club.

”I can assure you we will be doing our utmost to do very well in Europe,” he said, after the news broke.

”It’s probably not the best way to get there but we’ll take it anyway. We’re all looking forward to it at the club”.

The Fair Play scheme, in which points are awarded on criteria such as positive play, respect for the referee and opponents and behaviour of the crowd, is a farce.

It is only the first step towards football matches being decided by something other than the respective number of goals scored by each side.

This weekend, we have already seen the farce of Wasps being crowned rugby union Premiership champions despite finishing 15 points behind Gloucester.

Only last week, Cardiff City chairman Sam Hamman rightly suggested that the end-of-season play-offs in the Nationwide Football League were the wrong way of deciding promotion.

Sport is all about competition. The 100m champion is the person who runs the 100m fastest, not the person with the best running style.

The person who shoots the lowest score over four rounds is the winner of a golf tournament, not the person who hit the most greens or who has the best swing.

Of course, Uefa are right to try to encourage fair play, but they shouldn’t do so at the expense of the basic rules of competition within the game.

Last year, we had the farce of Ipswich Town playing in Europe in the same year they were relegated on the back of the same fair play ruling.

Manchester City at least finished in the top half of the Premiership, but they finished below Everton who are not in the Uefa Cup.

Everton fans will be upset at that – and so should all football fans (even those who support Manchester City). It is time Uefa ended this absurdity.

Posted: 3rd, June 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment

Every Loser Wins

‘RUGBY union has achieved the seemingly impossible and crowned the team that finished 15 points behind the leaders of the Zurich Premiership as champions.

”Runners-up at last!”

This nonsense came about because the people who run rugby want it to become more popular and that means more big games.

So the play-offs were founded, giving Wasps the right to play Gloucester, who came top of the league, in a Twickenham final.

The result, as the Express says (39-3 to Wasps), ”leaves a bitter taste in the mouth”. But Wasps’ captain, Lawrence Dallaglio, seems to be coping. ”As players,” he says, ”we have to play to the rules.”

It is just a shame that the rules have changed so horribly.

But for real nonsense, the Sun has the pictures from Audley Harrison’s fight with Matthew Ellis, and better pictures of Herbie Hide’s fight with anyone who wanted one.

And the verdict is revealed in a Sun headline: ”Blame Beeb for The Riot”.

That’s right, folks, the Sun says that the BBC and neither Hide nor Harrison are at to blame for the ugly brawl that broke out after the Olympic champion’s latest bout.

The national broadcaster’s decision to invite Hide to watch the event is, apparently, the cause of the riot.

But before you form the belief that sport is all nonsense, the Mail salutes Juan Pablo Montoya, who yesterday won the Monaco Grand Prix.

This is great news for the Colombian, and great news for a sport which now seems to have rediscovered its competitive streak.

As it was, the once perennial winner, Michael Schumacher, had to make do with third place. Which in rugby terms makes him the runner-up – or is it the winner?

Posted: 2nd, June 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment

He’s Behind You

‘IT has been a boxing truism for an age that the crowds have all the best fights.

”You can run, but you can’t Hide”

Audley Harrison versus Matthew Ellis was never going to be a thriller – or even much of a fight. Those who had packed York Hall, Bethnal Green, were surely not all there to watch boxing history in the making.

Audley Harrison duly cruised to an easy win, and then looked into the crowd for his next opponent.

Having done away with a collection of cab divers, newspaper boys and brickies, Harrison wanted another member of Joe Public to make him look good.

With no-one forthcoming – at this point Hulk Hogan, Clint Eastwood or his pet orang-utan would have done – the Hendon Howitzer held a question and answer session.

Who would you like me to fight next? he asked. With the word’s ”my mum” ready to ooze out, Harrison qualified his question, stripping a world of big-money showdowns to just two – he’d fight Herbie Hide or Frank Bruno.

As if by magic, both boxers suddenly appeared near the ring. The crowd around Bruno cried ”Brun-o” and the rest of us screamed: ”He’s behind you!” Hide just screamed.

And at last we had a fight on our hands. Yes, it shames the sport does all this scrapping in the crowd. But who did Hide hit?

”Hide pushed a female fan to the floor,” says the BBC report. And that was that. Herbie hide beat up a woman.

But before you criticise, note that Hide has just stepped up a class.

In 1994, he scuffled with Michael Bentt and in 1999 he attempted to rile British champion Danny Williams into another besuited punch-up. This one actually looked like an impromptu event.

But the night was all about Harrison, the man who plans to be champion of the world by the time he’s 35 – he’s 31 now.

”This is the Audley Harrison Show,” said Harrison after the fight. ”I don’t know why Herbie Hide was sitting ringside.”

If you like that comment, get a load of this one from British Boxing Board of Control general secretary Simon Block: ”I said before the show it was not a good idea to have two boxers in such close proximity.”

Perhaps he was referring to Bruno and Hide? But this was an Audley Harrison bout – so he could have been talking about Matthew Ellis.

Remember him..?

Posted: 2nd, June 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment

New Beginnings

‘THE selectors have rather had their hand forced with the number of retirements and injuries, but there is an exciting look to the new England one-day squad.

Troughton gets the taste for success

Of the 15 players, six are untried at this level and two – Vikram Solanki and Chris Read – have had only a handful of outings between them.

We should not expect to see them all in action, certainly not at the same time.

The inclusion of Darren Gough shows that the selectors are keen to pick a balanced side, which will blend youth and experience.

However, now is the time to start blooding the youngsters to see which ones have what it takes to represent England in the 2007 World Cup.

Some will no doubt fall by the wayside between now and then, but others are likely to become household names.

Jim Troughton, hitherto as well known for being the grandson of a Doctor Who actor, is perhaps the one from whom most is expected.

However, international cricket is a very different game from county cricket, and often it is not the one who catches the eye at the lower level who makes the transition.

A lot has been said of the unremarkable averages of Michael Vaughan and Marcus Trescothick for their counties, but they have obviously had not only the ability but the temperament to make the step up.

On the other hand, players like Graeme Hick and Mark Ramprakash have never managed to establish themselves in the international scene, despite being two of the very best county players.

England will, of course, go into every match with a team that it thinks can win.

It would be irresponsible to throw a lot of youngsters in together to see which ones swim and which ones sink.

But they need to give as many players as possible a chance over the coming couple of years to make sure they have the best chance of doing well in the World Cup.

It is up to the players to take the chances offered to them…

Posted: 30th, May 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment

Under The Hammer

‘THE West Ham fire sale has started, with the goalkeeper David James, midfielder Joe Cole and striker Freddie Kanoute all attracting offers this morning.

Spot the ball and win a West Ham player

The Mirror say that James is off to Barcelona for £2m, provided that coach Raddy Antic keeps his job at the end of the season.

Which is a big ‘if’, considering the Catalan giants are ninth in La Primera Liga at the moment – behind a group of British holidaymakers.

Joe Cole has attracted the interest of Chelsea, but the Hammers are not interested as yet, laughing off the £5m bid from West London.

The Mail says the relegated club described the offer as ”derisory”, but face a dilemma because their captain’s contract expires in a year.

”West Ham will continue to claim publicly that they will not sell to try to pacify supporters already enraged by relegation,” it says.

”But they must privately hope that demand for Cole will develop into an auction situation to thrust his price nearer an acceptable £8m.”

Meanwhile, the papers are still picking over Wednesday’s 0-0 draw in the European Cup final after Ronaldo – and the Spanish papers – branded it the world’s biggest bore.

Not so, says Mark Lawrenson in the Mirror, who claims it was ”the most fascinating, exciting and intriguing game that I have seen this season”.

And the Mail was also intrigued, calling it boring only in the same way that Bjorn Borg was a boring tennis player and Steve Davis a boring snooker player.

But the Spanish papers are not so happy, with Marca saying: ”They should prohibit two Italian teams from playing in a European final because, as Johann Cruyff has said, the presence of just one Italian football team is a tragedy for football.”

Not of course a case of sour grapes because Real Madrid had surrendered their grip on the trophy.

Both the Sun and the Express believe that Real could have a new manager next season – Arsene Wenger.

The Sun quotes controversial agent Marc Roger as saying that Wenger wants to coach Madrid, while claiming that the Frenchman is frustrated by cash problems at Arsenal.

The Express also talks to Roger, who say that Wenger will know his future in two to three weeks.

And just before anyone gets too worked up about what is – despite Bill Shankly – just a game, the Star reports on the sad death of Dave Jefferies, the top rider in this year’s TT race.

Posted: 30th, May 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment

Kofi Time

‘IF the top headline on the page is the day’s biggest sporting story, then David Beckham is now bigger than even the European Cup final, at least in the Telegraph’s eyes.

Cheating Kaiser

The Beckham news that will have us gripped is that he has granted Kofi Annan, the United Nations secretary-general, an audience this summer.

Having recently yielded to Nelson Mandela’s pleas for a meeting, Dave will now spend one day of his summer hols putting the world to rights.

He’s a good boy is Dave. But not as good as Andriy Shevchenko, as the Telegraph calls the Ukrainian striker whose penalty won the Champions’ League for AC Milan.

The rest of the papers prefer to call him Andrei, although the acclaim heaped upon him is universal.

With the scores tied at 0-0, and the game’s periods of extra time at an end, it came to the dreaded penalties.

To help us understand the route to victory, the Guardian lists the 10 penalty takers, detailing with a cross they who missed and a tick they who scored. And of ten kicks, only five found their way to the back of the net.

While this tells all Englishmen that they are not the world’s worst penalty takers, it must be stated that not one of the strikes sailed over the crossbar or hit the corner flag.

All were on target, meaning that the goalkeepers made the saves that mattered, with AC’s Dida making one more than Buffon of Juventus.

But there is story in the Independent that shows how easy it is to throw a game of football.

German legend Franz Beckenbauer has hinted on German television that his Bayern Munich team deliberately threw a game to prevent city rivals TSV Munich winning the Bundesliga.

”I’m not saying that we lost on purpose but our resistance was limited to the minimum,” he said.

He was, however, unable to say whether in 1966 the ball crossed the line or not.

Posted: 29th, May 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment

Zeds And Two Noughts

‘IF it hadn’t been for Clive Tyldesley’s constant reminders about how wonderful the match was I’d have been lulled into the mistaken belief that the Champions’ League final was plain boring.

David Trezeguet tries to get some shut-eye

The first ten minutes were great stuff, as the teams showed skill and application.

Hell, Juventus even tried to score a goal. But, then, the first ten minutes of the Royal Crown versus the Lamb And Kebab are normally a pretty spicy affair.

Surely it was too early for Clive to tell us in that all-knowing mocking way that we thought it would be dull. None of it!

With the ref’s whistle still moist from blowing for kick-off, Clive thought it was the right time to tell us how great the game was.

In the boorish tone of the true pedant – a tone usually reserved for talking about ”the wife” and ”the kids” to office sad sacks after work in the pub – Clive scoffed.

Thus told what was what, we were invited to sit back and drool. I for one drooled, as I often do before I nod right off. Indeed, it was only Clive’s droll delivery that kept me going.

Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, as some really, really clever person once said, but Clive was taking it to new levels.

Milan’s Rui Costa, we were told, is a supremely gifted player. He had earlier missed the entire goal when it was clear in his sights. Clive can be so cruel.

Clive should not be condemned because the game was worthy of hardly any comment. So I took to researching a few facts – the few facts that Clive had not wanted to share with us.

The grass, which Clive told us had been cut no less and no more than four times on the morning of the game, had been sheared into ten neat bands in each half.

How the intricate Champions’ League logo was etched into the centre circle is a fact shamefully overlooked, but I’d wager my money on a stencil and some clippers.

Meanwhile a game of sorts was taking place. Juventus, who play football like basketball but without the excitement (I’m learning, Clive) were waiting to break.

After over 120 minutes they were still waiting. So we had penalties. And Milan won. So there.

Posted: 29th, May 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment

More Balls Please

‘GEARING us up for another year of disappointment, the Telegraph leads its sports news with a shot of Tim Henman winning his first round match at the French Open.

Del Boy

Tim, racket cocked, eyes focused, looks ready to smash the ball back past former Wimbledon semi-finalist Vladimir Voltchkov on his way to a straight-sets 6-2,6-3,6-1 victory.

With the shouts of ”Go Timmy!” ringing in our ears, the Times also leads with tennis, choosing to produce a picture of Greg Rusedski ready to strike another blow for British tennis.

And another blow he stuck, losing in straight sets to Nikolay Davydenko.

But Greg is not unhappy to be out of that Grand Slam tournament; he’s happy just to have taken part after his nine-month injury-induced breather.

And while Timmy ploughs on, and Greg looks forward to Wimbledon and all that fast grass, the Independent has eyes only for tonight’s final of the Champions’ League.

Reminding us that ”stereotypes frequently have a basis in fact”, the paper tells us what to expect when two Italian teams meet.

It’s Juventus versus AC Milan and the outlook is for tight defences, tactical know-how and skill in attack.

Key men Alessandro Del Piero (Juve) and Milan’s Andrei Shevchenko are then profiled – the Independent listing the attributes of the two men who could deliver their respective sides the winning goal.

One key fact is that neither of the two is Scottish. Which is a shame, since Scotland, as the Guardian reports, is not overly blessed with gifted footballers.

Last night the Scots played and drew 1-1 with the footballing powerhouse that is New Zealand.

Sure, they didn’t lose to the antipodeans, like England did to the Australians, but ask yourself this: can you name one New Zealand-born footballer?

To help, the paper tells us the name of last night’s goalscorer for the Kiwis. Step forward and resist picking up the ball and running with it, Ryan Nelsen.

Next stop, White Hart Lane…

Posted: 28th, May 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment

Sheep In Wolves’ Clothing

‘BIG city teams will always rise to the top in the long run. Newcastle, Manchester City and Chelsea have had dips, been in close proximity to the old second, third and fourth divisions, and returned to be in the Premier League.

Pack of Wolves

The bigger teams draw the crowds, giving gravy to the belief that they will rise again.

And so to Wolverhampton Wanderers, who have just been promoted to the Premiership, having beaten Sheffield United in the Division One play-off final.

Wolvers were one of the big clubs in the 1950s – a point that must be made to anyone under the age of 156. To anyone under the age of 19, the sight of Wolves even in the top flight is a new one.

It’s been a long road back to the top since the 1983-1984 season, when Wolves finished bottom of the then Division One table with a lowly 29 points.

To place this in some context, Wolves had finished 6th in 1980-81, only to be relegated from the Canon First Division in 1981-1982, along with Leeds and Middlesbrough.

In between then and now, Wolves’ successes have been rare and humble. The team finished runner-up to Queens Park Rangers in the old second division in 1982-1983, gaining promotion for an entire season before the trap door opened up anew.

In season 1987-1988, the Old Golds finished first in the Barclays Fourth Division, followed a year later by victory in the Barclays Third Division.

In 1992-1993, they found themselves elevated from the Barclays Second Division to the much grander sounding Barclays League Division One as the Premier League was born.

The Endsleigh League Division One and Nationwide League Division One made a change, albeit in name only, but Wolves never made promotion to the top level.

In that time, they spent heavily on players, upgraded the ground in readiness for much-delayed promotion and have been referred to as a sleeping giant.

They have maintained a sense of hope. And that’s the thing. With a large body of fans, Wolves would always return to the top one day. Big city teams always enjoy another day in the sun.

Posted: 28th, May 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment

Blades Blunted

‘THE domestic football season came to an end yesterday when Wolverhampton Wanderers returned to the top flight after 19 years and 13 days in the lower divisions.

Happy like the Wolves

Thanks to a 3-0 win over Sheffield United, the Old Golds have hit the Jackpot, as the Guardian says.

The other story of the day is that United’s bellicose boss, Neil Warnock, was banished to the stands after a frank and free exchange of views with the game’s referee, Steve Bennett.

While we and the Guardian celebrate with Wolves’ Paul Ince, who is pictured ”doing” the Paul Merson (swigging back an imaginary drink) and then raising his fingers around an imaginary smoke, we cannot help but feel that Warnock would have been a welcome character in the Premier League stable.

But the play-offs are a hard business, as the season’s work is decided over 90 minutes. Of course, you can give your team an edge by waking up their opponents in the middle of the night.

The Times reports that Neil McNamara, 39, who was once employed as a minder for Cardiff City’s chairman, Sam Hammam, has been arrested following an incident at the hotel Queens Park Rangers

footballers were staying in on the eve of their Division Two play-off decider with, er, Cardiff.

It is said that the Cardiff City fan allegedly set off a fire alarm at 3am, thus causing the visiting team distress.

”The incident disturbed the sleep of our players,” says Nick Blackburn, the QPR chairman. ”If the person responsible did have anything to do with Cardiff City I would be very disappointed.”

It is, though, an intriguing story, worthy of the South Americans and Italians at their most poetic.

But when it comes to true poetry there is only sport that hits the heights – boxing.

And when we think of boxing, minds instantly turn to Herbie Hide, the former British and World Boxing Organisation heavyweight champion.

Tonight Herbie’s back in the ring for a bout with Zambia’s Joseph Chingangu. Last time out the African decked Hide in two rounds. But this time it will be different. Won’t it?

”Chingangu is a bum,” says Hide, who knows all about those, having been put on his last time the pair met. ”He won’t last a round this time.”

Hide then pays tribute to his own ”smooth face” and how the road to riches is open wide for him. We wish him well.

And if you want to know more, the Telegraph’s story includes a shot of the would-be champ’s T-shirt. ”WARNING,” says the message, ”I’m not crazy, but the voices in my head are driving me nuts.”

That’ll be Mike Tyson, then. And the bells…

Posted: 27th, May 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment

England Expects

‘ZIMBABWE were as bad as we expected them to be in the first Test of the summer at Lord’s, so it is hard to make judgements on the England performances.

The new McGrath

However, we couldn’t be anything but encouraged by the fact that the batsmen scored over 450 again – for the seventh time in eight home Tests- even if it was against some pretty poor bowling.

And, as for the bowling, James Anderson is obviously someone who can lead the England attack for many years to come, injury and form permitting.

Steve Harmison bowled with far greater control than he did in Australia, but still didn’t look as threatening as he should.

For a start, he needs to make the batsmen play more deliveries; he doesn’t move the ball a lot, but he seems to lack a plan to get batsmen out with his main weapons, pace and bounce.

As for Matthew Hoggard, I thought he was the pick of the England bowlers in both innings and was unlucky to be overshadowed by Anderson on Saturday.

With Andrew Caddick and Andrew Flintoff both looking to regain their places after injury and Darren Gough looking for an international return, there is genuine competition among England’s pace bowlers for the first time in ages.

As for the batting, Marcus Trescothick looks a much better player now that he has reverted to his normal game.

The Somerset opener is not as technically gifted as, say, Michael Vaughan – but he has a good eye and a method that more or less works for him.

He will, we imagine, always be suspect against the best attacks, but in the meantime he will mash a few more average ones.

Mark Butcher has cemented his place as No.3 for some time to come with his second successive Test century.

Butcher’s average may be a modest 34, but since the beginning of last summer (and including a difficult Ashes tour) he has been averaging a much more respectable 48.

Robert Key will surely get another chance, but he needs to take one of them very soon and establish himself in the middle order if he is not to be overtaken by one of the other young pretenders.

With Nasser Hussain and Alec Stewart established in the side at least for this summer, the other question mark hangs over Anthony McGrath.

What do the selectors do when Andrew Flintoff is fit?

The Yorkshire captain’s debut could hardly have gone better, but it was against a very poor Test side.

Flintoff looks the better bet as a Test player, while McGrath’s international future will probably be confined to the one-day game.

No-one, however, can take away his fifty and three wickets on debut at Lord’s.

Posted: 27th, May 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment

The Herd Mentality

‘AS soon as someone comes on the radio and says ”We’ve had a lovely day…” you know that their team has just lost a match.

The losers

Losers love telling everyone who bothers to listen about how they can put football into a wider context. Southampton fans worked this trick at the FA Cup final.

One after the other they went onto the talk shows and told the world that they had had a brilliant day out and had sang all the way through the game.

They had, though, lost, and since the entire focus of their wonderful day out was winning the FA Cup, the day was something of a wash-out.

They even stayed in the ground right to end, watching the Cup presented to Arsenal. This, we were told by the voices and nodding heads was a sign that they were great fans. They are what football is all about.

Only it is no such thing. Southampton fans stayed behind because it required less thought than leaving. When you’ve waited 26 years to get somewhere, racing off to beat the traffic loses its shine.

And Celtic fans have done much the same. It’s undeniable that thousands of their fans turned up in Seville with a song in the hearts.

The television bragged that, with only around 25,000 tickets to go round, there would be more fans in Spain without tickets than with.

And yes, these are the same TV commentators who usually bemoan the fans who travel without a ticket.

The thing is that Celtic painted themselves into something of a corner. Once seen as good blokes one and all, they could not then storm off in a huff, or worse.

The herd mentality works just as much for violence as it does for staying in the ground after closing time or being a gallant loser. Football fans do as they are expected.

It is, of course, an improvement to smashing the town centre.

Posted: 23rd, May 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment

A Bad Break

‘DAVID Beckham is a great example to the nation’s youth. Soon, courtesy of the England captain, they will be able to name all 216 bones in the human body.

”Ahh! Not me scaphoid!”

Last summer, Becks introduced us all to the metatarsal after contriving to break one of his and almost missing the World Cup.

Last night against South Africa, he broke his scaphoid, a bone located between his thumb and forefinger.

Even England manager Sven Goran Eriksson, who must be bright because he speaks at least two languages, learnt something.

”I fell very sorry for him,” said the Swede. ”If you gave me a million dollars, I don’t think I could have named the bone.”

A couple of coughs from a Welsh lecturer and all of us could probably have got that one right.

England won last night’s match – described in the Telegraph as ”a sparky friendly” – 2-1, but the injury count could be more important than the result.

Rio Ferdinand also had a scan on his knee and, says the Telegraph, with Chelsea’s John Terry also struggling with a thigh strain, Jamie Carragher has been called up.

While England’s footballers were beating one southern African team, England’s cricketers were playing themselves into a good position against another southern African side.

On a difficult pitch and a predictably rainy day, they had got themselves to 184-3 before rain bad light stopped play, with Marcus Trescothick and Mark Butcher both passing 50.

In the Times, Christopher Martin-Jenkins calls that a ”very respectable” start to the season, for which they can thank ”the experience of their first five batsmen and a fair amount of luck besides”.

But they were aided, he says, by the Zimbabwean bowlers’ inability to find the right line and length on a pitch offering considerable help.

”The consequence was that England did not so much wriggle off the hook as avoid it altogether,” he writes.

And finally to golf where Annika Sorenstam opened up as the first woman to play in a men’s PGA tournament for 58 years with a very respectable 71.

And had she putted better, it might have been a 66, says Martin Johnson in the Telegraph.

”She actually appeared to thrive in this claustrophobic environment,” he says, ”and broke into a warm smile at the first of many inevitable shouts of ‘Yo the woman’.”

Posted: 23rd, May 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment

A Friendly Too Far

‘DOES anyone know exactly why it was necessary for England footballers to prepare for their Euro 2004 qualifier against Slovakia by travelling to South Africa for a friendly match?

”Black” Beckham meets his grandfather

In footballing terms, the logic is baffling.

The players are surely already tired enough after a gruelling domestic season – and it is not clear what good this friendly match will do.

A number of the team that will line up at the Riverside on June 11 are missing and there are several players out through injury.

We can expect a repeat of the lacklustre performances in previous friendlies, most notably against Australia.

Had Sven-Goran Eriksson been judged on his team’s performances in friendly matches, he would surely be out of a job by now.

In competitive matches, by contrast, he has only lost once – and it is hard to draw a connection between the teams that line up for the two.

In that light, one has to wonder about the wisdom of playing friendly matches at all, particularly ones that involve a 12-hour flight.

It would appear, therefore, that the decision to play the match in South Africa has more to do with off-the-field requirements than the game itself.

Many of those are important – the encouragement of the game in southern Africa, demonstrating support for a 2010 World Cup bid (and looking for reciprocal support for an England bid at a later date?) and giving the players a chance to meet Nelson Mandela, for instance.

But it is the timing that is strange. After all, so soon after the FA Cup final means that Ashley Cole, Wayne Bridge and James Beattie have all been excused the trip.

South Africa is hardly en route to La Manga, where England will hold a training camp ahead of their friendly against Serbia-Montenegro and then match against Slovakia.

So, tonight’s game is, literally and metaphorically, a diversion. A draw and no injuries is about the best we can hope for.

Posted: 22nd, May 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment

Tourette’s In Nets

‘TODAY’S most interesting sporting news is found not on the back pages but inside the darkest recesses of the Mail.

Porto players play dead

The paper says that Manchester United are poised to sign disabled goalkeeper, the American Tim Howard.

It must be swiftly said that Howard’s disability is manifest not by a missing limb or poor vision but in Tourette’s syndrome.

Symptoms of this illness include nervous tics and an inability to control speech, ”leading to uncontrollable outbursts, often in swear words.”

Given the usual abuse dished out by footballers, it’s unlikely anyone in the game will even notice the player’s disability. And as for the tics, anyone remember Bruce Grobbelaar?

As it is, one of Howard’s possible future team-mates, David Beckham, was on the move himself yesterday, flying in to Johannesburg for a chance to meet Nelson Mandela.

The Sun looked on and noticed that the party that travelled for an audience with the great man did not include eight of the England squad.

Paul Scholes, Steven Gerrard, Gareth Southgate, Phil Neville, Danny Mills, Joe Cole, Paul Robson and Gareth Barry are the octet who dared to fly in the face of accepted opinion and decline the invitation.

To the Mail this is tantamount to heresy, and it moans loud and long about the ”PR fiasco” and how eight footballers chose to stay in bed rather than meet ”one of history’s great statesmen”.

At least Southampton’s James Beattie and Wayne Bridge had good excuses for not being in South Africa.

As the Sun says, they were excused the arduous trip because Sven Goran Eriksson wanted them to rest after the FA Cup final.

How funny then that they managed to pull on their kits yesterday for a game with Aberdeen, in something called the Friendship Cup.

But for sheer comedy nothing can top yesterday’s spectacle at the Uefa Cup final in Seville, where Porto’s players acted the clowns, falling over at the drop of an eyelash and writhing in mock agony to the delight of their fans.

Celtic boss, Martin O’Neill, whose side lost the Uefa Cup final 3-2 in extra-time, is not best pleased.

”I was not pleased with how the game was won,” he says in the Express. ”Loads of things were going on out there.”

He says fans of his club noticed the gamesmanship and showed their displeasure when Porto collected their winners’ medals.

”Celtic fans are the most fair-minded in Europe,” continues O’Neill, ”and you saw the reaction they gave which just about sums it up.”

Sadly, it does not. The best way to sum up a game football is by looking at scoreline.

Posted: 22nd, May 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment

Trouble Dogs Leeds

‘THE leader who turned grown men into babies is back in the biggish time. The Star reports that David O’Leary has been appointed as the new boss of Aston Villa.

Oink! Oink! Pigface is back

And he’s a changed man. ”I’ve learned a lot and I’ve made mistakes,” says O’Leary. ”The biggest one I made was that I became too opinionated in newspapers and you won’t be getting that any more.”

Readers will also recall how O’Leary became too opinionated on television and in his book, Leeds in Trial, and on radio and the Internet.

But he soon gets back to talking the usual stuff, about how he plans to make Villa into a top six club – ”where it belongs”.

It really seems that O’Leary has learned from his time at Leeds, chiefly that miracles cannot be worked over night and that ambition must be tempered with reality.

The situation at Leeds comes under more scrutiny in the Express, where we hear that ”Peter Ridsdale’s reputation as a football chairman sleeps with the fishes”.

Using a phrase borrowed from a gangster film would seem to suggest that not all is what it should have been at the Leeds Ridsdale built.

The club’s news chairman, Professor John McKenzie, is pretty damning of his predecessor’s regime. ”There’s been irresponsibility and indulgent spending,” he says.

”In my view, the place has been managed in an indulgent way,” he says, going on to criticise the ”frivolous nature of the expenditure”.

And so it seems to have been as the Express mentions the nearly £6m spent on paying off managers O’Leary and Terry Venables, the fleet of over 70 company cars, which cost £600,000 a year to run, and private jet travel for executives.

There is also the matter of the tank of tropical fish, which Ridsdale rented for a princely sum of £20 a month.

These are said to have been the first casualties of McKenzie’s purge on waste.

Meanwhile, the Mail gets ready for the final of the Uefa Cup, and Celtic’s chance to relive the glory of 36 years ago when they lifted the European Cup.

”I’ve told my players this is once-in-a-lifetime chance and they must grab it,” says Celtic manager Martin O’Neill.

Celtic play Porto tonight in Seville. We wish them the very best of luck.

Posted: 21st, May 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment

Men Only

‘APART from ice dancing and things with horses, women fail to compete on an equal footing with men in sport.

Annika Sorenstam prepares for a meeting with Vijay Singh

Some East German athletes of the 1970s could lay claim to being every bit as good as their male counterparts – and so good were they that a few were made honorary men, complete with Adam’s apples and the ability to dress to the right or left.

And unless Swedish golfer Annika Sorenstam has a mobile pharmacy in with her clubs, she will be whipped out of sight by the rest of the field at this week’s PGA Tour’s Colonial Tournament.

It is 58 years since a woman last entered a professional men’s tournament. In 1945, Babe Zaharias competed at the Los Angeles Open, making the cut.

Since then no mixing on the professional fairways has been allowed. It’s the way Peter Alliss, the pompous ass, would have dreamt it – the big boys out on the course, boring the socks off each other, while the little ladies potter about chattering about macrame and how wonderfully clever darling Peter is.

But now golf’s men’s club has been opened up to women. And Vijay Singh, the world’s seventh best golfer is put out. He says he hopes Sorenstam misses the cut, and that women have no place in the men’s game.

Doubtless some voices in the less enlightened parts of the golfing US would also prefer it that Singh, a man of dark skin, didn’t play the game either.

And, as luck has it for the good ol’ boys, the Fijian has withdrawn from the tournament, giving the excuse that he needs a week off.

”I told my wife last week if I won a tournament I would take a week off,” Singh said, just before, one imagines, he patted her on the head and sent her back to the kitchen.

But why withdraw? Why does it matter that a woman plays with men? She has no chance of winning.

Sorenstam is the best female golfer in the world, the winner of 43 tournaments, 19 in the last two seasons, but she’s still not good enough to compete with the top men.

I recall that Bobby Riggs was 55 when he challenged Billy Jean King to a game in 1973, with the words: ”I want Billie Jean King… I want the women’s lib leader!”

Riggs was confident that no woman, however skilful, would beat him. Billie Jean won in three sets, proving little more than Riggs was wrong and that a young fit woman can beat an ageing still fit man.

Sadly for Sorenstam, she’s not up against Seve Ballesteros or Arnold Palmer but some hungry young American golfers. She won’t win the tournament, but she will attract interest to the game.

And that is no bad thing in a sport that before Tiger Woods came along was as alluring to the young and female as Peter Alliss.

Posted: 21st, May 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment

In A Stew

‘IS Alec Stewart the best wicket keeper-batsman in England at the moment? Yes, almost certainly.

The Methuselah of English cricket

Should he have been selected for the two-Test series against Zimbabwe, which starts on Thursday? Almost certainly, no.

Stewart is 40 years old and, although he remains remarkably agile for a man his age and although his desire is still as great as ever, he is past his prime.

Whatever Nasser Hussain and the selectors say about not being able to take the opposition lightly, this series is a great opportunity to blood new players.

Three have already been chosen in the squad for the first Test.

James Anderson has earned his chance by his performances in Australia and at the World Cup.

James Kirtley is another who already has experience of playing for England in one-day internationals.

And Anthony McGrath has been given then opportunity to stake a claim to an all-rounder spot by Andrew Flintoff’s continuing bad luck with injuries.

Maybe it is this inexperience towards the bottom of the batting order that has persuaded the selectors to choose Stewart ahead of pretenders like James Foster or Chris Read.

If so, one can only hope that the return of Flintoff and/or Andrew Caddick prompts a bit of a change of heart.

There never is a right time to swap your most experienced player for a relatively untried youngster, but it is hard to think of a better time than now.

Without their one genuinely world-class player, Zimbabwe should be no match for England.

Surely, batting Foster or Read (both of whom have experience of Test cricket in far harder circumstances) at No.7 wouldn’t have been too much of a gamble.

If the top six cannot perform against a side as inexperienced as Zimbabwe, they do not deserve to win.

The problem now is that, if Stewart gets runs against this below-par bowling attack, then he will become impossible to drop for the rest of the summer.

And that, in the longer term, is bad news for England.’

Posted: 20th, May 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment

One For Joy, Two For Sorrow

‘READERS of any newspaper will know what Sir Bobby Robson is seen as some avuncular figure, the old boy we don’t mind talking to.

”Why doesn’t anyone like me?”

Others will know him as the hard-nosed footballer manager who is so desperate for Newcastle to win something – anything – that he has bought Lee Bowyer.

Quick as a panda car with lights ablaze you will have realised that such a move, as touted in the Sun, means the reforming of the unlovliest partnership in football: Bowyer And Woodgate.

Whereas once Kevin Keegan’s Newcastle were everyone’s favourites, they are now set to be the least loved outfit in the land.

But Bowyer is not the only man making ready to tread on pastures new. According to the Mirror, John Terry, the Chelsea captain, is contemplating a move to Arsenal.

The Express says that the player wants to discuss a new contract with Chelsea, but the Blues aren’t talking.

”I want to stay but if you wait around and nothing happens, you have to look after your own interests,” he says.

Which is the kind of thinking that, given the Mirror’s story, should have Aston Villa fans heading for Villa Park with their placards of protest raised high.

News is that Bryan Robson has thrown his hat into the ring to be the new Villa boss.

The paper says that Robson made a ”grovelling” bid to be the Birmingham side’s new boss, ”gushing a ”fawning tribute to unpopular club chairman Doug Ellis”.

Despite any protestations to the contrary, Robson is one of the worst club managers around, and Villa fans must be praying that he is not the new man in charge.

”My record is as good as anybody’s,” says Robson – like he means it – ”and I made Middlesbrough into a Premiership club.”

Of course you did, Bry – and Steve Gibson, the club chairman who bought the players, had little or no say in the matter.

We can only wonder why Robbo’s stopping just at Villa, as the Mirror’s back page says that the Real Madrid job is up for grabs.

Do you suppose the Spaniards know he’s available?

Posted: 20th, May 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment

Gold Rush

‘FOR those who hang to the belief that all Arsenal fans smoke those little cigars that come in individual plastic wrappers, there is news.

”Do Not Sit On The Sink”

They do so because they look so sophisticated yet grounded (it says here) and because the wrapping prevents the urine wetting and thus spoiling the tobacco.

You see, urine is a substance Arsenal fans know too well. Those Gooners contemplating buying timeshares in Cardiff (for the second and third weeks in May), would do well to wrap everything they own in plastic wrap.

Should the Welsh capital run out of the protective film, a plastic bag round the feet and some official Anorak Comfi-Wellies must be the go.

The Cardiff urine problem can be traced all the way to the lower concourse at the city’s Millennium Stadium, where the toilet troughs have burst their banks.

But since not everyone gets to see Cardiff’s Golden Waterfalls, you’ll have to take our word that they do exist.

Just think that these wonders would not have sprung forth had the stadium designer’s plan been followed to the letter.

Our study says that the stadium’s planners have allocated a generous two-inch width of trough for each crowd member, with the ground at full capacity.

If just the bit that does the pissing was extended forward to the wall, all male fans at the ground could go to the toilet during the 10-minute rush before the game and the half-time interval with no fear of drowning.

But men will be silly about these things, so instead they have adopted the architect’s plan B: wait in a cell-like, piss-soaked room and then go anywhere you can.

This ploy involves making use of the three to four sinks in each urine-soaked hole. If you can get to the cubicle, the move is to hose the seat and wall.

But our favourite was demonstrated by the man who ripped up the rulebook and on seeing the lattice-work plastic bucket under the said sinks, ventured forth and pissed freely in it.

A nice effect resulted, as piss cascaded down the white bin and seeped suggestively through the gaps. For novelty value it matches the Golden Waterfall, although the size and volume of the GWs marks them out as the must-see attraction.

This wonder will be appearing again on days which, as luck has it, coincide with the play-off finals for the three Nationwide divisions.

Next week: The Magic Box – marvel as three thousand women queue to get inside two toilets.

Posted: 19th, May 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment

Not So Able Seaman

‘DAVID Seaman lifted the FA Cup in Cardiff on Saturday, but it looks as if he has played his last game for Arsenal.

Seaman is grateful for Manchester City’s equal opportunities programme

The Independent reckons the 39-year-old will pre-empt any decision over his future by signing for another Premiership club, probably Manchester City.

Friend Bob Wilson tells the paper that Seaman still wants to play.

”I think it will boils down to whether Arsenal can get him to stay against an offer he gets from Manchester City of anyone else.”

Thierry Henry and Freddie Ljungberg are definitely staying at the north London club, however – with the Frenchman committing himself to the club until 2007 over the weekend.

The Guardian says Dennis Bergkamp is likely to sign on for one more season, but reckons Francis Jeffers and Nwankwo Kanu could be on their way over the summer.

At Highbury next season, there is likely to be a new centre back (with Philippe Mexes and Jean-Alain Boumsong the most likely candidates) and a new goalkeeper.

Whether Saturday’s goalscorer Robert Pires and club captain Patrick Vieira will still be in the country is another matter.

Michael Schumacher duly won the Austrian Grand Prix yesterday (his third victory in a row) despite his car catching fire during a pit stop.

Padraig Harrington held his nerve to win the Deutsche Bank-SAP Open in a play-off with Thomas Bjorn and shake off his near-miss demons.

And England named three new caps in their cricket squad to face Zimbabwe in the first Test on Thursday, but none of them was a wicketkeeper.

That means Alec Stewart, who is even older than David Seaman, will play – a decision that Derek Pringle (writing in the Telegraph) reckons serves no useful purpose.

”Few doubt he can still outperform James Foster or Chris Read, the most likely of the young shavers waiting in his slipstream,” says Pringle, ”but his own game, especially his keeping, is in decline.”

When the combined ages of England’s goalkeeper and wicket-keeper is just one shy of 80, maybe it’s not just Stewie’s keeping that’s in decline.

Posted: 19th, May 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment