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Broadsheets | Anorak - Part 30

Broadsheets Category

Top news from The Times, Daily Telegraph, The Indepedent and The Guardian newspapers

Rupert Everett: Celebrity Quote Of The Day

SAYS foppish Britsh actor Rupert Everett in the Times: “Hollywood is a place that pretends it’s very liberal but it’s not remotely. It’s like Al-Qaeda.”

Everett says his sexuality has cost him “tons” of leading roles during his career.

Everett is a both grounded and talented…

Posted: 20th, December 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities | Comment


What Tiler: Rebellion Over Prince Charles’s Porcelanosa Patronage

charles.jpgMUCH drama in the world of floor tiling as James Wickes, co-owner of British Ceramic Tiles reacts with dismay at news that rival firm, Spanish-based Porcelanosa has been awarded use of the Prince of Wales Royal Crest.

Says Mr Wickes in the Mail: “When I hard that one had been granted to Porcelanosa I did think it was a bit like awarding the Red Baron a Victoria Cross.”

That medal for valour for efforts in interior design introduced by the Queen Victoria, a woman nowhere near as German as the Red Baron, or the Venetian Red Baron with hints of amaranth, as he is known in certain circles…

Posted: 18th, December 2007 | In: Broadsheets | Comment


How To Get Inside London’s Boujis And Mahiki Clubs: Good Genes

boujis_1.jpgHOW do you get inside boujis nightclub, London haunt of Princes Harry and William, and other boys and gels for whom jacket and jeans is a relaxed look, those sons and daughters of captain’s of industry, royals and the rich?

The Times’ how to guide is written by Hugo Rifkind, who appears dressed in a white linen suit and T-shirt.

Rifkind is at pains to tell us this is first trip indoors boujis and Mahiki, the other nightclub the penny loafer set move on to.

“First things first: getting in,” writes Rifkind. “Not so easy.” Thankfully he has a friend called Jemma who is “plainly a Boujis regular”.

This might be how Rifkind got the job. “Anyone know how to get into boujis?” asks the Times’ editor. The assorted Indias, Wills and Ruperts keep heads down. Only a Hugo pipes up.

He’s in, able to mix with the sons and daughters of him and her, the winners in life’s gene lottery.

Rifkind is the son of former Conservative Cabinet Minister and MP, Sir Malcolm Rifkind.
And against all the odds, he’s on a expense account and inside the exclusive club…

Posted: 17th, December 2007 | In: Broadsheets | Comment


Red Alert: An Iranian Plot To Kill Chris De Burgh

chrisdeburgh1.pngIF the Iranians really are serious about pushing Israel into the sea, they should erect a huge Tannoy, aim it at Tel Aviv and play Chris de Burgh songs at full throat 24 hours a day.

Admittedly, the slight risk is that Israelis will react violently and seek to destroy the instrument of their potential doom, just as they may block up their ears and make a swim for Cyprus.

The Israelis may go further and seek to assassinate Chris de Burgh, in which case we urge anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “Tonight, Matthew, I’m going to be Chris de Burgh” to make themselves known to President Ahmadinejad post haste.

Interesting then to see Mr de Burgh scheduled to become the first westerner to play Iran in 30 years. Early next year, Chris and Iranian support act Arian will play shows in Tehran.

In the land that has recently banned rock music, as the Independent reports, Chris de Burgh is permitted to play.

Chris – yes, Chris – and Arian have collaborated on a tune called A Melody for Peace. This is the same Chris de Burgh who once fronted Jeffrey Archer’s The Simple Truth campaign (filed under ‘beyond parody’) and raised money for Kurdish refugees through a concert.

The Indy is mindful of the power of music and how it can even change a nation. In 1985, Wham! played China and a million locals blow dried their hair and reached for the bleach. Then David Hasselhoff reunited Germany by singing on the Berlin Wall. The Israelites had Joshua’s trumpets to bring down the walls; the Germans had a man who wears swimming trunks to work.

It all leaves us wondering if Chris de Burgh can bring about a cultural revolution in Iran and what the resulting country will look like.

In our vision, post de Burgh Iran will be full of people rhyming “dance” with “romance” and going about saying how lovely they look.

Of course it might all be ruse, a plot. British historian Michael Mann researched Jospeh Stalin and noted: “Stalin saw John Wayne as a gigantic propaganda symbol against the Soviets. He was much more subtle than the atomic bomb but Stalin saw him as no less deadly.” Stalin wantd Wayne dead.

Might the Iranians view Chris de Burgh in a similar light, as the epitome of Western decadence? Do they wish to kill him? In which case we urge restraint, and remind them that though popular de Burgh is not as big as Noel Edmonds, Anthea Turner or Lulu…

Posted: 17th, December 2007 | In: Broadsheets | Comment (1)


The Rampant Lion: Europe’s Crack Rapid-Reaction Force Loses Manhood

europes-crack-forces.jpgSEND Her Victorious – Europe’s crack rapid-reaction force gets a new lion:

The proud motto of northern Europe’s crack rapid-reaction force is ad omnia paratus. Prepared for everything, everywhere. But the heraldic lion above the Latin tag now sends a less plucky message – he has just been digitally emasculated and, though technically still a lion rampant, he does not seem to be ready for anything, anywhere.

The change was implemented after a group of women Swedish soldiers protested that they could not identify with such an ostentatiously male lion on their army crest. A complaint of sex discrimination was then lodged with the European Court of Justice.

“We were forced to cut the lion’s willy off with the aid of a computer,” Christian Braunstein, from the Tradition Commission of the Swedish Army, said.

Now the Nordic Battlegroup, a force of 2,400 soldiers, is looking deeply embarrassed. For sceptics who already consider the Nordic Battlegroup to be something of an oxymoron – it is led by the Swedes, who were last in battle in 1809 – the operation on the lion is not an auspicious omen.

“A castrated lion – the perfect symbol for European defence policy,” an American military blogger sneered.

And they allowed the tongue to remain?!

Posted: 15th, December 2007 | In: Broadsheets | Comments (2)


Amy Winehouse In Three Words Or Less

amy-winehouse-clones.jpg“AMY’S white Christmas,” says the Sun. And there is the seasonal picture of skinny chanteuse Amy Winehouse.

The Sun is keen not to waste the time of its busy readers and finds a way to talk about Winehouse in as few words as possible.

The paper’s aforementioned headline uses just three words to deliver the daily Winehouse story, a Christmas angle and a hint of cocaine.

The only thing missing is that Winehouse is considering hosting a party over the holiday season. It will be raunchy affair, says a source. So look out for headlines “Amy’s White Xmas” and the still more sensational “Amy’s White XXXmas”…

Posted: 14th, December 2007 | In: Broadsheets | Comments (7)


Winner’s Dinners: Helen Mirren’s Meat

helenmirren.jpg“HELEN MIRREN – Michael winner tatted me like piece of meat.”

The Express’s headline inflicts the mind with an image of Winner appearing in a monogrammed white satin bathrobe offering the young Mirren a wet-lipped “Ready when you are, my dear!”

Mirren says that Winner made her “mortified and incredibly angry” by inviting her to turn around at a casting session and show off her body.

“I was so angry, I was so angry, I still am,” says Mirren. The incident took place 40 years ago and reappears as an anecdote on Richard And Judy’s Christmas Book Show.

Winner’s interests in Mirren’s “meat” was in a professional capacity and we imagine he would have extend the same invitation to those other acting dames, Margaret Rutherford, Peggy Ashcroft and Joan Plowright. He is also a restaurant reviewer.

Says Winner of Mirren and her “enormous sagging boob: “I saw Helen and as I had been instructed to deal with the situation of her breasts, I did indeed ask to strand up. I don’t remember asking her to turn around, but if I did I wasn’t being serious”.

Although Mirren is nothing if not versatile and we imagine that had the directors of Age of Consent, Caligula, The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and Her Lover and Calendar Girls demanding a walk-away shot, she would have obliged…

Posted: 14th, December 2007 | In: Broadsheets | Comments (3)


Bridget O’Donnell On Madeleine McCann: Lights, Camera, Action

bridget-oconnell.gifTHE GUARDIAN does not always cover the story of Madeleine McCann on its pages. But today it does. Bridget O’Donnell was on holiday in Praia da Luz at the same time as the McCanns. Mrs O’Donnell works in the media and is allowed to tell her own story.

No interview. No questions. Just her words delivered over six pages .

The picture on the cover of the paper’s G2 supplement is of Madeleine holding tennis balls. It is not the portrait produced by Senor Marty.

Says Bridget O’Donnell: “We lay by the members-only pool staring at the sky. Round and round, the helicopters clacked and roared. Their cameras pointed down at us, mocking the walled and gated enclave. Circles rippled out across the pool. It was the morning after Madeleine went.”

It was a dark and stormy night… 

And: “They booked a large table every night in the Tapas. We called them ‘the Doctors’. Sometimes we would sit out on our balcony and their laughter would float up around us. One man was the joker. He had a loud Glaswegian accent. He was Gerry McCann”

“Gerry was outgoing, a wisecracker, but considerate and kind”…

“Then Gerry stood up and began showing Kate his new tennis stroke. She looked at him and smiled. ‘You wouldn’t be interested if I talked about my tennis like that,” Jes said to me. We watched them some more. Kate was calm, still, quietly beautiful; Gerry was confident, proud, silly, strong.

Danielle Steele Vanished – so too has Madeleine McCann 

We know him. But: “Privately I was glad we didn’t get their apartment. It was on a corner by the road and people could see in. They were exposed”
A sense of forboding. Dum, dum durdle-durdle, durdle… 

“I once worked as a producer in the BBC crime unit. I directed many reconstructions and spent my second pregnancy producing new investigations for Crimewatch”. Her husband is Jeremy Wilkins, the TV producer, spotted by the tabloid press in “MADDIE: THE SECRET WITNESS

Fact and fiction: “Detectives would call me daily, detailing their cases, and some stories stay with me still, such as the ones about a girl being snatched from her bath, or her bike, or her garden and then held in the passenger seat, or stuffed in the boot. There was always a vehicle, and the first few hours were crucial to the outcome. Afterwards, they would be dumped naked in an alley, or at a petrol station with a £10 note to ‘get a cab back to Mummy’. They would be found within an hour or two. Sometimes”

Knock knock: “The translator had a squint and sweated slightly. He was breathless, perhaps a little excited. We later found out he was Robert Murat. He reminded me of a boy in my class at school who was bullied”

The boy who never had a go on the bouncy castle… 

Gerry and Kate are spotted two day after Madeleine has gone missing: “Kate’s back and shoulders, her hands, her mouth had reshaped themselves in to the angular manifestation of a silent scream. I thought I might cry and turned so that she wouldn’t see. Gerry was upright, his lips now drawn into a thin, impenetrable line”

Back home: “’Did you have a good trip?’ asked the cabbie at Gatwick, instantly underlining the conversational dilemma that would occupy the first few weeks: Do we say ‘Yes, thanks’ and move swiftly on? Or divulge the ‘yes-but-no-but’ truth of our ‘Maddy’ experience?”

Or do you tell the Guardian all about it?

Posted: 14th, December 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann | Comments (105)


More Celebrities To The Pound In The Daily Telegraph

rachelweiss.jpgNO one could ever accuse the Daily Telegraph of short-changing its readers when it comes to pictures of young women with prominent cleavages.

In fact, when the day comes for the paper to raise its cover price to 100 pence, we suggest it incorporate a pair of firm breasts into its masthead, and adopts the slogan: “You DO get many of those to the pound.”

Today’s edition deserves some kind of award for a masterstroke of inventive picture editing.

Carol Platt Liebau (described as a “female academic”) will be delighted that the Telegraph has chosen to report the publication of her new book, Prude: How The Sex-Obsessed Culture Damages Girls.

The author is the managing editor of the Harvard Law Review, and she is critical of society’s “emphasis on sexiness, revealing fashions and the over-valuing of physical appeal”.

Sounds a bit complicated to us. Is there a simpler way of explaining it?

Fortunately, yes. The picture editors have helpfully selected two images that illustrate the point perfectly, and they are reproduced at twice the size of the article itself.

One picture is of Christina Aguilera, the other of Rachel Weisz. Both women are practiced exponents of the art of décolletage, and the photographic plates do full justice to both ladies.

Female readers seeking to develop their own frontal presentation skills are directed to the story immediately below, which is all about bras.

That’s the thing about broadsheets – they’ve got the space to really get to grips with a subject.

Two cracking stories on one page – or, if you prefer, a nice pair.

Posted: 10th, December 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities | Comments (2)


Cherie Blair Takes On Mark Wallinger and Gillian Gibbons

cherie-bear.jpg “CHERIE BEAR,” says the Mirror, taking a leaf from Anorak’s Big Book Of Teddy Names, created in compliance with the UN Directive On Teddy Bear Naming and the Stuff Sudan movement.

Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear, say your prayers

But there is no picture of a bright-eyed seven-year-old clutching her Cherie Bear. This is a shot of the woman herself, dressed as a teddy.

Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear, show your shoe

Cherie is on her way to London’s Zuma restaurant, not for a Gillian Gibbons benefit lunch but for a light supper with husband Tony (yellow checked trousers, blue duffle coat, marmalade sandwich and white open-necked shirt).

Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear, turn out the lights

It might be Cherie’s dig at the art scene, where Mark Wallinger has won the Turner Prize for, among other accomplishments, walking around in a bearskin.

It is Mr Wallinger himself who tells the Independent: “I think the art boom was driven by Thatcher’s children.”

Teddy bear, Teddy bear, Say good night

Posted: 10th, December 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Politicians, Tabloids | Comment (1)


Anne Darwin Shows A Blonde Ambition

anne-darwin-2.jpgANNE Darwin looks a little blonder as she appears on the Mirror’s front page. The “CANOE WIFE” of John Darwin seems a brighter version of her formerly grey self.

On the Sun’s cover, (“Canoe come with us to the station”), Anne Darwin is steely grey, her hair one step short of the dandelion bobble so favoured by women of an age.

Anne Darwin is a snowier white on the Mail’s cover page. And grey once more on the cover of the Independent, Guardian and Telegraph.

But the Mirror picture intrigues. Might it be that having broken the Seventh Rule of Tabloid Journalism – No front page should feature a be non-blonde – Anne Darwin is now reverting to type, part of a revamp to best secure herself a claim ‘n’ tell exclusive with a leading tabloid and a spot on Celebrity Big Brother…

Anne Darwin Is Found 

Posted: 10th, December 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comment


The Flawless Cocktail: £35,000 A Pop

WHAT footballers will be spraying over the dance floor and self-centred featured topless stunnas this Christmas: the £35,000 a glass cocktail, The Flawless.

As the Guardian reports, the Movida nightclub, a hangout of celebrities, footballers and their entourages has created a new drink.

“The cocktail consists of a large measure of Louis XII cognac, half a bottle of Cristal Rose champagne, some brown sugar, angostura bitters and a few flakes of 24-carat edible gold leaf.”

Interestingly: “The drink is described as warming and refreshing, but that is not the main reason for the exorbitant cost: at the bottom of the crystal glass is an 11-carat white diamond ring.”

Alternative names for this taseteful cocktail include: The Prawn Cocktail, The Rooney Auldbanger, The Diamond White or The Jasper Carat.

Which burping footballer will be the first to propose in such a fashion? Or sell it as a signature perfume?

Posted: 9th, December 2007 | In: Broadsheets | Comments (2)


Great Christmas Gifts: A Box Of New York Leaves

AS it says:

FRESHLY FALLEN AUTUMN LEAVES FROM REAL NEW YORK TREES WILL BE USED AS VOID-FILL (PACKING) IN ALL AMRON EXPTL. PRODUCT SHIPMENTS PLACED BETWEEN NOVEMBER 15TH AND DECEMEBER 23RD. AUTUMN FOILAGE FALLS JUST IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS SHIPMENTS. CONSUMERS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD GET A TASTE OF AUTUMN IN NEW YORK AT NO ADDITIONAL CHARGE.

DEAD LEAVES FROM REAL NEW YORK TREES
$7.99

What can Londoners box and sell?

Source

Posted: 6th, December 2007 | In: Broadsheets | Comment


Jet-Ski Rider Torments Dolphins

dolphinski.jpg“JET-SKI rider is fined £500 for tormenting dolphins”.

So says the Times at the head of its tale of how Nicol Wood has been convicted of piloting his jet-ski recklessly close of dolphins in the Moray Firth.

But “tormenting” suggests so much more. And we wonder if dolphins really are caused vexation and pain by a man showing off on a jet-ski? Do dolphins dream of straddling such a contraption? And has anyone thought to ask them?

Posted: 5th, December 2007 | In: Broadsheets | Comment


Arrange Me A Celebrity Marriage: Cerys Matthews And Marc Bannerman Are One

cerys-marc.jpgHEADLINES such as “CERYS: I’M DYING TO SEE MARC”, “Bits all over the front page” (both Mirror) and “Cerys: My celebrity soul mate Marc” (Express) may have created the impression that Cerys Matthews and Marc Bannerman are inseparable.

It’s another triumph for the reality TV show dating game. That forthright Scots Asian woman on BBC TV’s Arrange Me A Marriage should care to note that to find a love interest, Britons need not only copious doses of alcohol, recreational drugs and a secluded spot by the bins but also to perform before a myriad cameras.

So here’s more news of Cerys and Marc, the new Peter and Jordan, who were the old Chantelle and Preston, speaking of their undying love for one another.

As the Mirror says, “Both have signed big-money deals to talk about their burgeoning romance.” Indeed. But they have so far done their talking apart.

Cynics might suppose that it is all some kind of scam, especially those Mail readers who saw the headline “the celebrity love sham”.

But what matter if Marc and Cerys are in it for the fame and the money? They both want the same things, which makes them compatible.

That pushy woman on Arrange Me A Marriage might well nod. This is, after all, romance with a dowry…

Posted: 4th, December 2007 | In: Broadsheets | Comment


Spice Girls Give It Whirl Power

spice-girls-1.jpgThe Spice Girls reform before our eyes…

IT is a credit to this nation that a middle-aged single mum with ginger hair, wearing the kind of Union Flag outfit rarely seen beyond the confines of a provincial shopping precinct at chucking out time can make it to the Mirror’s front page.

So too the front page of the Telegraph. “Is this really what we want?” asks the Telegraph (“BRITAIN’S BEST-SELLING QUALITY DAILY”)”. We might not want it, or really want it, but we are all inclusive and embrace each sexual orientation, style of dress or hair colour.

Stick a teddy bear in a Union Jack hat and call it Anthea if you must – we might not like it but we will defend your right to do it.

“All the glam..all the goss ..and how they all rated,” says the Mirror beneath a shot of Geri Halliwell (for it is she). Geri is giving full throat to her New Age, New Labour mantra: “Smiling, dancing, everything is free. All you need is positivity.”

On the Sun’s cover, a slight dig at the Spice Girls: “They’re back..and bigger than ever.” This headline comes with no picture of Scary’s buttocks or Spice fans but of Victoria Beckham’s breasts, which serve to remind her new legion of young fans to eat more fruit.

“GIRDLE POWER,” say the Sun. “Gang older and bolder.” The Mail turns its blonde head to us, narrows its eyes and whispers: “Old spice,.. What a difference ten years, diets, babies (oh, and cosmetic surgery have made to Posh & Co).”

But you can’t run back the clock. And we read that with age comes maturity and self-awareness – Her Poshness is the only Spice Girl not to perform a solo…

Posted: 4th, December 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comments (5)


Madeleine McCann: The Scenic 17, Dr Denny Says And DNA

mccann-renault.jpgMADDY WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann

DAILY EXPRESS page 21: “New DNA tests could unlock the mystery of lost Madeleine”

More DNA tests at the Forensic Science Service laboratory in Birmingham And this after the DNA tests proved inconclusive…

“Seventeen human cells could provide a major breakthrough in the Madeleine McCann mystery…The DNA samples are being examined by scientists in Britain and Portuguese detectives believe the evidence could unlock an investigation which is now in its eighth month”

The Tapas 7. The Tapas 9. The Scenic 17…

Guilhermino Encarnacao, head of the Policia Judiciaria in the Algarve, says: “We have asked the laboratory to carry out more tests and exhaust every possibility of obtaining conclusive results”

Says Forensic scientist Dr Ronald Denny (not working on the case): “A cell is negligible – you can just about see it under a microscope. It’s a sample someone would leave behind with the touch of a finger. But when placed with certain biochemicals a small amount of DNA grows to a size that can be analysed”

“GP Kate and heart consultant Gerry” are “both 39”

THE SUN page 15: “Only 17 cells of DNA in hol car”

“Cops looking for Madeleine McCann are banking on ‘a smidgen’ of DNA evidence. Scientists have found just 17 cells on samples taken from a hire car rented by Kate and Gerry McCann and their holiday flat”

Says independent forensic expert Dr Ronald Denny: “It is not a hopeless task. If they have 17 cells then they can carry it off very effectively in Birmingham, one of the leading labs in the world”

DAILY MAIL page 5: “Mission Impossible – Forensic evidence too poor to solve mystery of Madeleine, say police”

But Dr Denny is telling two papers otherwise…

A source tells Portuguese newspaper 24 Horas: “It is highly unlikely they will find a DNA connection…If everybody refuses to make statements, which is perfectly possible, we will be left with our hands tied. This is a case which could hang by a thread for years and we may never be able to prove what actually happened to that child”
But what about Dr Denny. Why don’t they ask Dr Denny?

Says Dr Denny: “A person, or their possessions, have to be present for the cells to come off”

DAILY MIRROR page 7: “Maddy: Smidgen of DNA will work?”

Dr Denny is on the case, or not. But the “independent British expert” does have an opinion which is able to share with all of us

DAILY STAR page 9: “MADDIE: IT’S ALL DOWN TO 17 CELLS”

Dr Denny is talking to Star readers…

“Top cop in blast at private eyes” – Former deputy chief constable of Manchester Police John Stalker says of Metodo 3: “I’m not impressed with these people at all. I’d be very surprised if they get anywhere”

This is the same Stalker who delivered “MY VERDICT” to Express reader back in October

“There’s a world of difference in following a paper chase and finding a flesh-and-blood child”

Or a newspaper chase…

DAILY TELEGRAPH page 11: “Madeleine tests are ‘mission impossible’”

Says a source in 24 Horas: “The samples reportedly include microscopic spots of blood from the Ocean Club apartment where Madeleine went missing and ‘bodily fluids’ and hair from the Renault Scenic hired by the McCanns 25 days after their daughter’s disappearance. The samples are so small that, while it will not be impossible to find a DNA link between the car, apartment and Madeleine, it’s highly unlikely The tests being carried out are extremely complex”

But Dr Denny says…

Says Clarence Mitchell: “Kate and Gerry’s friends have consistently said they are happy to be re-interviewed by police if necessary. Indeed, they are keen to help if it clears up any inconsistencies. They, like Gerry and Kate, have nothing to hide”

THE GUARDIAN and THE INDEPENDENT: “No Madeleine news today

Posted: 4th, December 2007 | In: Broadsheets | Comments (1,344)


Climate Change In Bali As Tropics Expand

global-warming-beach-party.jpg“EXPANDING tropics ‘a threat to millions’”.

The Independent leads with news that the Earth’s midriff is expanding. “The topical belt that girdles the Earth is expanding north and south.”

It’s Fat Earth. Health Secretary Alan Johnson has already spoken of his assault on the twin evils of climate change and fat people, or Fat Climate.

Right now dignitaries from 191 countries, and assorted waiters, bar staff and cleaners, are in Bali for the latest conversation on global warming.

The Indy says it’s “one of the most important international gatherings of the year; perhaps the most important”.

The Indy hears from scientists at the US National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, the National Centre for Atmospheric Research, and the universities of Washington, Salt Lake and Adelaide.

The Guardian hears from Richard Branson, who says: “The most positive but realistic thing that governments could agree in Bali is to halt the cutting down of virgin tropical rainforests with immediate effect.”

Mr Branson is not a scientist, nor is he a popstar or Hollywood actor. However he is not a politician, so the Guardian realises that his views are worth broadcasting.

And, of course, Mr Branson’s Virgin company operates an airline. As the Telegraph says: “15,000 fly to paradise to save the planet. But getting to the luxury beaches pushes out the annual C02 of an African country.”

The big concern – and one Mr Branson might sympathise with – is aircraft slots. As reported on Anorak, the management of Bali’s Ngurah Rai International Airport are concerned that the large number of additional private charter flights will exceed the carrying capacity of apron areas.

The worry is that the great and good will be unable to land their jets and so be left hanging in the hot, hot air looking for somewhere warm to land…

Posted: 3rd, December 2007 | In: Broadsheets | Comment (1)


Gillian Gibbons: Grin And Bear It

gillian-gibbons.jpgGILLIAN Gibbons is in jail on a charge of “insulting Islam”, as the Sun puts it. She is “timid” Gillian. She is the Express’s “teddy bear teacher”, and so too the Mail’s.

But there is – alas – no mention of Sudan’s Teddy Taliban, who have seen fit to incarcerate Gibbons.

What readers do get, of course, is to read the account of Gavin Sherrard-Smith, who today appears in the Mirror, having already told Mail and Express readers of his flogging in Qatar for breaking that country’s alcohol laws.

Mr Sherrard-Smith tells a good anecdote, one in the eye for those who return from Arabic country’s with only a pair of Giorgio Ferrari sunglasses and slides of them haggling for a discount on the “Tommy Copper” hat. But having heard the story three times, the pain is growing dim.

The danger is that by the time Mr Sherrard-Smith reaches the Telegraph, readers will have grown immune to the news, some even writing in to say how had the beaten Britisher gone to St Albions School he would have considered his treatment as no more than a light tap on the knuckles.

Over in the Mail, the tabloid voice of Islamic womanhood, former Apprentice wannabe Saira Khan, says the issue is “deadly serious”. It is “far from funny”.

Indeed. It is almost beyond satire.

The call is for the fundamentalist to show sense. Boris Johnson, writing in the Telegraph, talks of a time when Britain would have sent a gun boat to rescue her. “Civis Britannicus sum,” he cries. “I am a British citizen,” says Gillian ‘Gordon’ Gibbons. “We used to send gunboats to your part of the world. Ruddy fuzzy-wuzzies.”

But one thing has been left out: the identity of the teddy bear.

A soppy Rupert, a mentally negligible Paddington or a rabble rousing, not to forget Buddhist, Winnie The Pooh?

Posted: 29th, November 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (3)


Gillian Gibbons And The UN Moratorium On Teddy Bear Naming

teddy-bear.jpgLOTS more news of Gillian Gibbons, victim of Sudan’s Teddy Bear Taliban.

In the Sun, one Mohammed, aged 7, says the class teddy was not named after the prophet of Islam but him. Says he: “The teacher asked me what I wanted to call the teddy. I said Mohammed after my name.”

“WE NAMED THAT TEDDY BEAR AFTER ME, NOT THE PROPHET,” echoes the Mirror’s headline. Says Dr Khalid al Mubarak: “I am certain this minute incident will be clarified quickly and the teacher cleared.”

We hope so. But not before Gavin Sherrard-Smith – yesterday he was in the Express – tells Britons and Old Etonians just how much it hurts to be whipped across the back by a bamboo stick wielded by a arge and possibly angry man.

The message is clear. We need a clear UN-approved naming convention for teddies. With the Giving Season almost upon us, it cannot come soon enough.

Approved Teddy names are: Big Ted, Little Ted, Ted, Teddy-Edward, Teddy Sheringham, Ted Kennedy Boutros Boutro and Rupert…

Names best avoided include: Ken, Anthea and any member of the victorious German football team of World Cup 74

Posted: 28th, November 2007 | In: Broadsheets | Comments (9)


Amy Winehouse Is… Troubled-Sad-The Rehab Singer

amy-winehouse-no-no-no.pngAMY Winehouse has cancelled her tour, or “pulled the plug” as the Times notes on its front page.

Winehouse is “sad” (Times), “Miss” (Mail), “Troubled” (Star, Express and Sun), “The Rehab singer” (Mirror), and the American “Wreckamess” (Disney’s TMZ website).

It is clear that Winehouse needs a decent epithet. Just as “rubber-faced” precedes Rowan Atkinson and “troubled” is shorthand for Britney Spears – and now adopted by the less imaginative press for Winehouse (press F9) – the singer needs a keyword.

And then there is the Winehouse headline. Take the Times’ front-page legend: “No, no, no. Sad Winehouse pulls plug on her tour.”

Winehouse might me in meltdown, on her way to rehab, but then so would you be if whenever you opened your mouth someone said “No, no, no”. (You can already foresee the anti-drugs campaign.)

But some papers are at least trying. The Daily Sport brings “THEY’VE ALL GOT IT INF-AMY!” Admittedly, this headline has been created and the story of a “bitter family feud” written for it. But it shows imagination.

But the spoils go to the Star which says Winehouse has cancelled her tour because she misses her incarcerated husband, Blake Fielder-Civil. The headline: “LONELY AMY’S BLAKE-DOWN.”

Not a full “Yes, yes, yes” from us. But the signs are encouraging…

The full Winehouse 

Posted: 28th, November 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment


Her Majesty Queen Does A Diana: Portrait Unveiled

queen-portrait.jpgHER Majesty the Queen is in Uganda.

There she has been offered a portrait of she and Prince Philip, as painted by one Joackim Onyangeo Nedalo. He has travelled from his native Kenya to present Her Majesty with his work, which took him three months to complete.

Mr Nedalo will be delighted to know that “his picture was drawn to her attention as she drove past in her bullet-proof Range Rover”.

No time to stop as Her Majesty heads for what the Times calls a “Diana moment”.

No, she’s not shopping, romancing a soldier or placing her hair in a bun. The Queen is shaking the hand of an ill man. As the Times notes: “Stephen Wakodo is HIV positive. Yesterday he shook hands with the Queen in Uganda. The occasion was a first for both of them.”

Mr Wakodo has not shaken hands with the Queen before, nor with Diana, who is pictured pressing the flesh of HIV patient Shane Snape back in 1987.

There are many firsts in this event – the Queen has never “knowingly” met an HIV sufferer before; never before met an HIV patient while wearing a lime green dress; never before met Mr Wakodo.

It is also the first time Her Majesty has been alikened to Diana, of whom portraits are in ready supply…

Posted: 23rd, November 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment


Mick Jagger’s Kabbalah String Along

kabbalah.JPGFOLLOWING earlier reports that lissome Mick Jagger has joined the Kabbalah religionists, the Sun produces an update.

Jagger claims the red string worn about his wrist was given to him on a recent trip to Rajastan, as the Sun reports. It holds no religious significance, he assures us. Which does make one wonder why Jagger was given the object at all, and why he continued to wear it.

Is this Jagger seeking a new look, a couterpoint to Keith Richards’ skull rings?

Says Jagger: “If I wore a string vest, would people think I’d suddenly become a Kabbalah convert?”

Perhaps. More likely they applaud you for being brave enough to try something new at your age…

Posted: 23rd, November 2007 | In: Broadsheets | Comments (3)


Jamie Oliver Eats With Supermarkets And Takes On Chickens

jamie-oliver-1.jpgJAMIE Oliver is hosting a dinner.

In the manner of 1950s chat show Tea With Noele Gordon (the actress who went on to front Lunchbox), Dinner With Jamie Oliver is going to be on TV.
Says the Independent: “Guests at the dinner will include celebrities, food producers, supermarkets and ordinary people.”

There has never been a dinner like it. It is extraordinary, apart from those “ordinary people”, who are extraordinarily ordinary in not being celebrities.

The belief that celebrities are in any way extraordinary enables Oliver to make a telly show in which he will “take-on battery farmed chickens”.

Once more, the Indy’s language creates an interesting tableau. Already excited at the prospect of watching Jamie break bread with “supermarkets”, we now envisage Oliver pulling on gloves and trying to beat even shades of browning from a battalion of Zombie Hens.

Called Jamie’s Fowl Dinners, Jamie will “graphically demonstrate” the chicken rearing process. Those not wishing to be put off their dinners, or ever eating again, should look away and wait for the pudding…

Posted: 22nd, November 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities | Comments (2)


Trinny And Susannah Chalk Up Another Success

wilmington.jpgA CRY for help from Trinny and Susannah? The Telegraph has a picture of the Long Man Of Wilmington, a pagan symbol, billed as “Europe’s largest representation of the human form”.

And onto this 227ft carving on the slopes of Windover Hill, Sussex, Trinny and Susannah have laid out a number of women in white suits.

The effect is to transform the symbol from a man to a woman, with “pig tails, curvy hops and shapely legs”.

A pagan – usually only sighted in news reports from the Stone Henge Summer Solstice and at localised Welsh events stood among children dressed as leeks and dragons – is heard to utter: “For those who consider this a religious site it sends out a message that religious intolerance is acceptable.”

But look again. It’s is not a man and woman, rather Trinny ‘the Tranny’ and her minder Susannah.

Is this how they see themselves. And can we expect other celebs to follow suit, transforming the Cerne Abbas Giant into Pete Crouch and the Great Red Horse into a notable royal?

Posted: 22nd, November 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities | Comment (1)