Anorak

OK! | Anorak - Part 4

OK! Category

OK! magazine’s weekly look at celebrity, featuring you know who, what’s his name and her from EastEnders

The Big Brother Star Gets A Colonic In A Mad World

michelle-bass.jpg“YES, it’s a mad world we live in but that’s how we live our lives,” says OK!’s woman of the moment as she shows us around her “new pastel pink St Alban’s house that she recently bought with her fiance – and her ex-therapist – Steve McKeown.”

Anorak wonders at the rights and wrongs of shacking up with one’s former therapist. In a moment of heated debate, or row, the therapist may not argue back but just take notes and so inflame the situation. He may then present you with a bill, and a week later submit a full report on your mental wellbeing.

Steve dresses in a Hawaiian shit with matching shorts, sunglasses, a straw hat and with one foot resting on a plastic (?) crab. He is in the lounge of – you might not have guessed it – Michelle Bass’s home.

The intention seems to be to affect an air of ease and fun, but Steve succeeds only in looking unhinged and on the verge of doing something untoward with the pink electric guitar (not plugged in) he is strumming.

Michelle is in a bikini, string dress and a huge plastic garland. She is holding a tambourine.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 13th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, OK!, TV & Radio | Comments (4)


Kerry Katona’s Guide to Celebrity: Knickers

KERRY Katona’s guide to celebrity in OK!: “Well, I didn’t think much of that Demi Moore pose that Javine Hilton did for a magazine.

“I was asked by MTV to do the same pose, but I said no. It’s been so overdone… The recent photo-shoot I did for a newspaper in my undies showed enough of me.”

That’s how trends begin…

Posted: 13th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comments (3)


Isla Fisher Talks Privacy In OK! Magazine

isla_fisher.jpg“PRIVACY is a big concern in your life these days. Was it that much of an issue when you were staring in Home And Away too?”

OK! fires that question to Isla Fisher, actress and partner to Sacha Baron Cohen, mother to “poor little Olive”, who took a comedic role in the Wedding Crashers film after said husband said how funny she was…

Isla says past experiences are “what encourages me to be more private now”…

Read Isla Fisher on privacy in OK! magazine…

Posted: 10th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comment


Celebrity Quote Of The Day: Kerry Katona On Chantelle

SAYS Kerry Katona in her OK! column, on the matter of Big Brother winner emeritus Chantelle Houghton’s failed marriage:

“When my last marriage ended, I got my boobs done, lost weight and got a tan and hair extensions, it’s just part of getting over someone.”

Posted: 10th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comment (1)


Jordan’s Surgery Nightmares: I Spy Cosmetic Surgery

katie-price-anorak.jpg“JORDAN – ‘MY SURGERY NIGHTMARE’.”

Is this nightmare:

a) The surgeon runs out of air bags and is forced to improvise using a rubber glove and some helium, which causes Jordan to have to be held down by guy ropes?

b) Trapped in a lift with Noel Edmonds and Anthea Turner, Jordan is forced to flirt with the beaded Deal Or No Deal presenter and praise Turner for her linen?

c) Scabies?

It turns out that the answer is d) – none of above, and Jordan’s nightmare is to endure “DROOPY BOOBS”.

Says Jordan: “My words to my doctor were: ‘I want to go a lot smaller. And I want nipples like a teenager.”

No nipples are on show, and we are unable to judge. And looking at teenage nipples is something best not done on a work PC, unless you are a teenager and can peek at your own or those of a close friend.

But soon we are involved in a game of I Spy Cosmetic Surgery. Yesterday, we played with Mariah Carey. Today, Jordan smiles and make us guess what is new and what is older.

At a push we’d say she’s had her teeth one, her hair done, her nose done, her eyes done, her breasts done, her skin done, her boobs redone, and some tucking.

Jordan admits to the “teef” and the “foobs”, and adds: “The other thing I actually had done out there was my teeth – no one spotted that, did they?”

We did. And the cheek implants. No, says Jordan,. “I think I must have just still been a bit swollen from the nose job.”

Something of a bonus, then.

“Gaybeeesh,” says Jordan through her new veneers. “Gow gesst got elshk I’ve ‘ad dun?”

OK! A chemical peel?
Jordan: No
OK!: A facelift
Jordan: No way

Jordan: “I just love that feeling of going under. I was saying: ‘I’m almost under – you’re all disappearing. I can feel it,’ and I was laughing. Then I was gone!”

Only to return – poof! – smaller, lighter, sharper and more orange than ever…

Posted: 6th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comments (2)


Tara Reid Thin

tara-reid.jpgTARA Reid tells OK!: “I’m not too thin!”

You cannot, of course, be too thin. You can only have friends who are not thin enough, a high metabolism and unflattering lighting.

With the key fact about Tara established, we move on to how the actress escapes “the negativity”.

As OK! says, there are reports that she is “too thin”; “Have you ever had any weight issues?”; “Are you worried that impressionable young girls might get the wrong message about body image?”

So Tara, how do you escape it?

Tara, it turns out, goes on holiday. And to combat the staring and the finger-pointing she allows OK! to take photos of her as she holidays in Bali.

In one shot, Tara is sat on a bar stool, the legs of which are thinner and more wood stained than Tara’s.

In anther picture, Tara stands between two Balinese dancers and presses the palms of her hands together. She also puts her legs together.

Tara is achieving what not-too-thin actresses call “life balance”…

Pic: 14

Posted: 23rd, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comments (2)


Fed Sonia: Natalie Cassidy Works It Out

nataliecassidy-1.pngNATALIE Cassidy was known to millions of EastEnders fans as Eric Bristow’s love child Sonia.

With levels of obesity at a record high, Sonia played the role of the typical Briton to a tee.

With her bovine mannerisms and slow wits Sonia held up a mirror to EastEnders’ viewers and said, “Thish yoos innit. Thish is wot yoo is, yoo plank.”

Sonia was a character. Not, just in the way that fat people are called a character as a euphemism for being very fat; Natalie was a character, in a soap opera who happened to be carrying a bit of timber.

When Sonia left EastEnders we expected to see her in Celebrity Fat Camp or presenting an episode of Tonight With Trevor McDonald in which Natalie exposes fat prejudice among Britain’s Olympic trampolinists

“They’re looking for the new Vanessa Feltz,” goes the advert in the Stage’s situations vacant pages.

But Natalie is not listening to anything other than the sound of blood pumping in her ears. Natalie is working out. She is now thin and tells OK!: “To maintain my weight now, I do the DVD three to four times a week and walk everywhere, too.”

The DVD is called “Then & Now”, and features Natalie in before (white, big-boned) and after (orange, thinner) poses.

But to watch yourself jumping up and down as you jump up and down might be a strain, like human budgie looking in the mirror and wondering who the handsome devil staring back is.

Happily, the Anorak notes that EastEnders is now transmitted four times a week. Perhaps if Natalie plays the DVD whenever the show is on she can find the vim to carry on…

Posted: 23rd, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comment


Gareth Gates’ Frosty Reception

gareth-gates.jpgGARETH Gates shows no sign of damage.

Currently appearing in the white chill of televised pro-celebrity ice dancing, Gates is a vision of orange and stretched Lycra.

Gates is vying with the likes of fellow reality TV singer Suzanne Shaw and celebrity duster Angie MacKenzie to see who can be crowed Dancing On Ice champion 2008.

Gates is also doing battle with Linda Lusardi, the Emmerdale actress and former Page 3 stunna, who in reference to her dance partner, told us: “The last thing I want to do is slice his face open with my blade.”

Some detected a thinly veiled threat. Lusardi is in it to win it.

But Gather has seen down bigger challenges. This is the man who slept with Kate Price and her gargantuan Jordans. And lived.

OK! catches up with Gates as he canoodles with his partner. No, not ice dancer Maria Filippov, but wood, carpet and lino dancer Suzanne mole.

Gareth and Suzanne are to be married.

We journey back in time to December 31st. Gareth, a famous stammerer, pops the question. It is 2007. In 2008 the question is popped and Gareth has his answer.

Happy days. Suzanne will have the seven-page OK! photospread any dancer dreams of…

Posted: 23rd, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comments (4)


Des O’Connors Takes One From Down Under

oconnor.jpg WHEN we first see the names “DES AND JODIE O’CONNOR”, and hear of their marriage we fear we are either in an urban myth, a rural part of Norfolk or watching another bulletin from the Human Fertility and Embryology Bill.

(A pair of twins who were adopted by separate families as babies got married without knowing they were brother and sister.)

Des and Jodie O’Connor already share a surname. Surely they have noticed. They might be brother and sister, although Des is 76 and his wife Jodie 38, so perhaps father and daughter?

But it’s too late to shout “STOP!”, the marriage has already occurred. And we learn that the wedding took place last September. It turns out that the O’Connors are related by marriage. To each other!

What we are looking at is their second marriage. To each other. And another chance for Jodie to wear white, Des to top up his tan and Des and Jodie to give full throat to There Will Be A Wedding, the song they wrote together.

Thankfully, the food was not four months old and the red snapper, kingfish, lamb and dessert of dark chocolate bavarois was as fresh as Des’s underwear and twice as sharp.

It turns out that food is important to the O’Connors. Des recalls meeting Jodie “about 18 and a half years ago”. A few months later he bumped into Jodie in a club “and asked her out to dinner”.
Des does not say what they at, but: “We’ve been having dinner ever since”…

Dinner for breakfast… Dinner for lunch… Dinner for bed…

Posted: 16th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comment


Kerry Katona’s Meet Pie

kerry-katona.jpgHOW do you top Kerry Katona and a Nolan sister?

No, not with a tiara, a pink Stetson hat or an Anthea Turner fright wig. TV’s most winsome double act since Hale and Pace – Kerry and Nolan advertise Iceland’s seasonal fare of boozie brownies, bloated guests, annoying hostess and squirrel vol-au-vents (see last year’s ad) – cannot be bettered. Or so you thought.

Now Kerry has a new sidekick, an Alsatian dog called Meet Pie, as OK! reports.

The “massive” Alsatian is surely the most suited partner Kerry has has to date. Sit up and take note, Nolan. Roll over and play dead Bryan McPadding (Kerry’s ex).

Kerry Katona has met her match…

Posted: 19th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comment (1)


The OK! Christmas Party: Come As They Are

chantelle-jordan.jpgTO the OK! Christmas party, where Nikki Grahame is dressed up as a green elf, in much the same fashion as Jordan is later in this week’s organ.

Nikkkkki’s outfit is loose, baggy even. Jordan’s outfit clings to her like the Hulk’s remnants.

And then we read that Nikki has accused OK! guest Chantelle Houghton of stealing her boyfriend. And this is Chantelle who has new breasts and a make-up that says Chernobyl No. 5.

She looks not unlike Jordan, who is dressed up as a green elf.

And on it goes…

Posted: 19th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comment


Stuffing The Bird: Jordan Is The Virgin Mary

jordan-1.jpgIT is easier for Jordan to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for casting directors to breathe new life into the nativity.

All celebrities want to be Mary and Joseph and Jesus. But only three can, meaning Kerry Katona ends up as a townsperson, Anthea Tuner becomes a shepherd and the story is contemporised to feature seventeen kings, twenty-five archangels and Girls Aloud as a local act who can’t get into the f*****g inn neither.

Jordan is a professional. And if she can’t be Mary then she will be an elf or Mrs Clause or dress up as a lapdancer, getting into the seasonal cheer but pulling on stockings and making quips about Santa’s sack.

Jordan’s all things to all people motif is carried through to her Christmas dinner. As she tells us: “On Christmas Day I think I’ll do a bird in a bird in a bird – a duck in a chicken in a turkey.”

It’s as if in some way Jordan’s time in the Hugh Heffner house has affected her. And what odds the thing goes wrong and ends up looking overstuffed as the turkey is lubed up and forced into the duck’s breast cavity?

Posted: 19th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comment


Private Moments With Cerys Matthews And Marc Bannerman

marc-cerys.jpgFROM rat’s gonad to love rat, Cerys Matthews was never going to be easily swayed from her deep and lasting love for fellow I’m A Celebrity jungler Marc Bannerman.

Now in “CERYS & MARC AT HOME FOR CHRISTMAS” OK! catches up with the twosome. “I DROVE SIX HOURS FOR OUR FIRST KISS – WE CAN’T BEAR BEING APART – SO I’VE MOVED TO WALES.”

Over the OK! Bush Telegraph, we are invited to join “The UK’s most controversial couple on their first date”.

Who decides on what is and is not controversial. A straw poll of the Anorak office reveals Marc and Cerys to be the UK’s Least Charming Couple; the UK’s Most Charming Couple, the UK’s Most Boring Couple, the UK’s Most Desperate Couple and the UK Couple Most Likely To Appear on Cirque Du Celebrity.

To OK!, however, they are the most controversial. And they are walking on the sands of Wales, holding hands and grinning in a way that suggests a) deep love; b) recreational drugs; or c) lockjaw.

Cerys is “beaming”. Marc is “delirious”.

They are sat at a bar. Says Cery’s of their first post-jungle meeting: “It was nice to be able to say what we were thinking without being watched.”

In OK!, Cerys pulls on a raincoat. She puts her hands in her pockets. Marc puts a hand on one of the pocket, too. He smiles. She smiles.

Says Marc: “I can’t understand why anyone would think I would be shallow or stupid enough to do it as a publicity stunt, it’s madness.”

And of the women who have spoken to the press about you, Marc? “It surprises me what women will do for money.”

“Cerys, how was it posing in your underwear for a Sunday newspaper?”

Cerys tells us she wants for her and Marc to “sing some old-time song together and learn a dance routine”.

And take ice-skating lessons, live in a house with cameras watching us for 12 weeks, harvest a pig’s semen, lose weight…

Posted: 13th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comment (1)


Intimately Moments With Victoria Beckham And David

intimately-beckham-night.jpg“VICTORIA,” says OK! magazine’s cover page. “WORLD EXCLUSIVE – SHOCKING WORDS AND NEW PICTURES.”

For afficionados of Victoriana, a second headline: “GERI’S A NUTTER AND DAVID’S SO GRUMPY.”

Queen Victoria was famously married to a German and was alive when future prime minister David Lloyd George was a rising blade in British politics.

But this is the other posh Victoria, the one who has a tattoo on the top of her spine and talks with less a plum than a stud in her mouth. Although, given Prince Albert’s piercings…

We digress. And inside OK! we first see Victoria entangled with her David, Day-vid Beckham.

Victoria appears in a state of enrapture, possibly because what with her commitments to her career, she does not see her Day-vid as much a she’d like.

This behind-the-scenes close-up with the Beckhams coincides with an advert for his ‘n’ hers perfumes called intimately.

And what more intimate than this..?

Posted: 5th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comment


Janice Dickinson Is This Year’s David Gest

janice-dickinson-02.jpgJANICE Dickinson is this year’s David Gest.

Last year, Gest appeared on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here! and we wondered if he would fall to pieces – literally.

Now Janice is in the celebrity clearing, and we are looking on wondering if the former model can hold it together, or be held together in a tight fitting suit.

“Everything about me is fake,” quipped Janice as she made her way into the jungle, “I was the first in line when they started handing out Botox – and I’m perfect.!

Or “purffett”, as any Botox enthusiast would concur.

“I coined the world supermodel back in 1979,” says Janice. “I wasn’t clever enough to trademark it but I truly did milk it for all it was worth.”

Can you trademark a word? Perhaps Janice means she should have brought out a range of Supermodel goods – shower gels, deodorants, anaesthetics – and brand them?

“I loped the earth during the ice ages when supermodels ruled the world,” says she.

Only, supermodels were not invented until 1979, so Janice would have to have been loping as a mammoth, starnose mole or a giant beaver…

Posted: 21st, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comment (1)


The Most Perfect OK! Celebrity Caption Ever

MOST revealing OK! caption of all time: “Nikki, Michelle, Danielle and Chantelle live it up in Lineker’s Bar in Marbella with Wayne Lineker and Calum Best.”

Perfect.

Posted: 21st, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comments (2)


Five Facts About Harry Dent-Brocklehurst And Lili Maltese

FIVE facts you never knew about Harry Dent-Brocklehurst and Lili Maltese. As detailed in conversation with OK! magazine:

1. When Lili’s son Jake (now aged 1) was born Lili had “no epidural, nothing. Obviously that was my preference but I would have done whatever was needed so the baby would have been safe.”

2. Lili would like to have a baby girl. “I would love a baby girl,” says Lili. But not necessarily an epidural. Although it would be wrong to rule one out

3. Lili “may just stop at three boys”. Although if she had a girl, she may stop at three boys and a girl. And an epidural. Or not

4. Lili wonders if “three is enough. Maybe we won’t get a baby girl, who knows?”

5. Lili and Henry will not be starring with Major James Hewitt in the Gloucester Players production of Dick Whittington

Posted: 9th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comments (2)


Angelina Jolie’s Biopic: Starring Brad Pitt And Jennifer Aniston

“HOLLYWOOD beauty had resigned herself to never having a life partner, but all that changed when Brad Pitt came onto the scene.” And Jolie got someone else’s.

In this exclusive OK! interview Jolie tell us about her “amazing life”. “It’s “amazing!” Amazing!” says Angelina Jolie, removing all doubt.

Jolie is auditioning for her biopic, in which she will play “poor” Jennifer Aniston to Jennifer Aniston’s pathetic and some may says heartless, cold and husband-stealing Jolie. Caring Angelina would surely like it known that there is always a part for Jennifer in any project she and Brad embark up together, such it the strength of their deep and lasting love.

“Brad aside, Angelina is known for her big heart,” says OK!, skilfully not confusing her with that Aniston creature.

“Brad is so good with Mad, for example,” says Jolie, “and they’ve bonded in such a beautiful way that it almost makes me want to cry – and I never cry.” Not like that Aniston person who cries all the time.

“Honesty and trust are fundamental,” says Jolie. “Brad and I have together and that’s why we’re enjoying our life together.”

It sounds, well, amazing… “I could spend hours just watching Brad enjoying his time with the kids,” says she, words that could come from the mouths of any one of us – “except I’m usually busy changing clothes or getting the kids ready for bed myself!”

Not like that Aniston woman who has no children and only has herself to think about all day and all night…

Pic: 14

Posted: 9th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comments (18)


OK!, Let’s Not Talk About Kerry Katona’s Drugs

“YES, I WAS ON DRUGS ON GMTV!” says OK! diarist Kerry Katana in what is already being billed as a “KERRY EXCLUSIVE”.

On the magazine’s cover, Kerry cradles a newborn baby and a small-ish blond-ish child. That Kerry is proud of her kids is beyond question. They are as talented as their mother, possibly more so. It is likely the elder child can name all the celebrities in this week’s OK! – the baby being stumped by the presence of former Emmerdale actress Adele Silva.

As for the drugs, Kerry says she is on them. And she has been on them while talking on GMTV. Says she: “I am sick to death of all these questions coming up about me being on drugs.”

We will have no more said on the matter. “Yes I am on drugs,” says Kerry. But we will not listen. Let’s draw a line under this episode, put the tin lid on it. Says Kerry: “It’s my bipolar medication…”

Enough. In any case, bi-polar is so last season…

Posted: 4th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comments (7)


Kerry Katona’s Miracle Lamborghini

THE results of our survey are in and you the readers want a statue of Kerry Katona to be erected in her native Spud U Like, Warrington Chapter.

Congratulations to Kerry, who can be seen on the front of OK! assuming the position by holding her pregnant tum-tum and showing her white teeth.

By way of a legend to mark the monument, Kerry offers: “OUR GIRLS ARE SO EXCITED ABOUT OUR MIRACLE BABY”. Or: “IF IT’S A BOY I’LL BUY MARK A LAMBORGHINI.”

Indeed, dear reader, the Lamborghini part smacks of sponsorship and Warrington has been independent ever since Albert’s Motor Mart and Discount Baby Supplies shut its doors for good.

Best to stick with the “miracles” inscription, it being a fitting word for Kerry, for whom the world “miracle” surmises a career…

Quote of the day – Kerry: “The only thing I get down about is my depression.”  

Posted: 24th, October 2007 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comment (1)


Lindsay Lohan Drinks Herself In

LINDSAY Lohan talks to OK! about her rehab.

But a therapeutic interview was not Lohan’s first post-rehab move. Number one on the agenda was “to focus on my sobriety”.

Lindsay will imbibe Lindsay. As she tells us, the most important thing rehab taught her was “to focus on ourselves”.

Odd indeed that any Hollywood starlet should need to discover that it all about me. But rehab is less about teaching than re-connecting.

And should Lindsay Lohan relapse, one imagines any number of rehab centres will be on had to help Lindsay Lohan see what is truly important: Lindsay Lohan.

Pic: 14

Posted: 18th, October 2007 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comment (1)


Coronation Street Goes To See A Man About A Dog

SAYS Coronation Street’s Simon Gregson of his showcased son Alfie: “Yes, he wasn’t planned at all. We reckon he was conceived on the OK! engagement shoot we did!”

Whoah! Save it for the kiss ‘n’ tell, Simon. OK! is a family magazine (the family being the Jordan-Andres) and though many a child must have been sired in view of the glossy pages, we need to move on.

Emma?” My waters broke when we were walking the dogs at 10:30 at night.” That’s better. Stick to euphemisms. “I had to be induced in the end…It was a pretty bad week and I was in denial. I kept saying: ‘My bladder’s playing up!’”

And then: “My back wasters had broken but not my front waters,” says Emma.

We have no idea what she means. Matron!

Posted: 11th, October 2007 | In: OK! | Comment


OK! Kerry Katona and Max Clifford’s Miracle

WHEN Max Clifford called OK! to tell them that Kerry Katona had miscarried, there was much weeping and wailing.

OK! had already gone to print and been overtaken by Kerry’s fast-paced life.

This was a lost opportunity. But Kerry went to hospital and there was nothing short of a miracle. Doctors discovered the baby’s heartbeat. And that meant it was alive.

Kerry had not had a miscarriage.

It had all been a terrific mistake.

And so the hard work begins as Max calls around the newspapers to tell them that despite stories to the contrary (see early editions), his client and, lest we forget, dear friend, was still with child.

To the presses with the joyous news…

Posted: 4th, October 2007 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comments (2)


Angelina Jolie On Porn And Life

brad-pitt-angelina-jolie.jpg“I DECORATED my trailer with lots of porn,” say Angelina Jolie. “It made me feel provocative.”

Teenage boys and men with sweaty palms on caravan sites in Rhyl hear you, Angelina.

Angelina, of course, is no man. She is all woman, which is why she can engage in lesbianism, as OK! notes, and Priapic youths and men on government registers cannot.

“l’ve done coke, heroin, ecstasy, LSD, everything,” says Angelina. “But the one that had the worst effect on me was pot. I felt silly and I hate feeling like that.”

Angelina is not silly. She buckles up. Clunk. Click. Every trip. “I don’t do drugs. I don’t intentionally ride a motorcycle without a helmet. I will always be careful.”

One wonders how you can unintentionally ride a motorcycle, with or without a helmet? Angelina should be yet more careful, particularly when sitting on revved-up motorcycles. No joke. We’re serious.

But tiredness can get in the way of the best laid plans. And Angelina admits that children can take the spark out of love.

“Obviously your intimacy is not the same,” she tells OK!. “You are always engrossed and often you collapse with exhaustion in the evening.”

And it’s not all travelling the world that takes it out of Jolie. There are children to look after. And chances are the help is just as tired as she is…

Pic: 14 

Posted: 27th, September 2007 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comments (4)


Mum’s Gone To Italy: Kerry Katona’s Latest Wedding

kerry6.jpgKERRY Katona, own-brand ketchup champion, has not gone to Iceland. She’s gone to Italy.

Happily, what Italy lacks in frozen fish and Boozie Brownies, it tries to make up for in weddings. And OK! invites us to experience the thrills and no few spills from Kerry’s official wedding to Mark Croft.

Can it be only a few months since Katona married Mark on St Valentine’s Day in a modern function room on the Scottish borders?

It can be. That do ended months of “feverish anticipation”. “This is it,” said Kerry back then. “I don’t know how I lived without Mark before. He does everything for me. We’ve not spent a single day apart. And I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him.”

Now Kerry gets to spend another lifetime with the lovely Mark as she marries to him in Italy.

“I’m so excited because it’s all a big surprise,” says Kerry, who may have sensed something was up when the OK! marriage contract was slipped beneath her skirts.

So here we are on the shores of Lake Orta. We’re at the Villa Crespi. No, not Cispsy, as in Thin and Crispy. Crespi, as in Villa Crepsi, an “extraordinary hotel dating back to the 1930s”.

The guests are seated in a Moorish colonnade. Mark is waiting for her beloved. He nips out for few sips of beer. OK! says this is to calm his nerves.

And a mere 45 minutes late, Kerry appears on the arm of her “good friend and PR guru Max Clifford”.

How terrific of Max not to spill the beans and ruin Mark’s surprise wedding that saw him hire his wife a Philip Armstrong strapless gown and complementary white rose.

“I dos” are exchanged. And Kerry says: “Mark, when we became mates, I treasured our friendship – and the Xbox of course!” (Cue laugher and the sound of aliens being zapped.)

There are then tears. The couple sign the register. Someone presses play on the beat box and Nessun Dorma is played. And so to the wedding breakfast. It is 7pm.

Guests are seated. The Wayne Allen sings Always And Forever over a starter of Sicilian prawns with celeriac puree. Encore. And guests tuck into steak and chips.

And at midnight – incredible, we know – it is Kerry birthday. She turns 27. More tears. Everyone sings happy birthday.

And OK! wonders. What about of those rumours of Kerry’s dalliance round the back of Tesco’s with a youth? Says Mark: “Who would believe the face of Iceland would go with some 19-year-old weakling.”

Not we. Not Magnus Magnusson. Not Mark…

Posted: 12th, September 2007 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comments (2)