Celebrities | Anorak - Part 407

Celebrities Category

Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.

Jungle Drums

‘GIVEN the number of people whose names have been mentioned in connection with the new series of I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here!, the population of Australia looks set to double at the beginning of next year.

Never knowingly dressed

Where once we transported our criminals, we now send our C-list celebs Down Under to endure hunger, boredom and various forms of torture for our delectation.

But the fun starts well before the plane leaves for Oz as the celebs’ agents desperately try to put their clients name forward in the hope that the programme will do the same for their career as it did for, say, Linda Barker’s.

And the papers are happy to go along with it, claiming that so-and-so is considering an offer to appear or old whatsisname is top of the programme maker’s wish-list.

With the likes of Danniella Westbrook and Tara Palmer-Tomkinson, the programme has doubled in recent years as a kind of rehab clinic – and it’s likely to do so again this time with Gazza and Sophie Anderton rumoured to be appearing.

Another person strongly touted is Gail Porter, one-time TV presenter with an allergy to clothes and now wife to Toploader’s Dan Hipgrave and mother of his child.

Other names bandied about include the likes of Torville and Dean, Brian Harvey and his girlfriend Emma B and racing driver Damon Hill, but by far the most interesting of them all is that of Sarah Ferguson.

She has experience, as viewers of It’s A Royal Knockout will remember only too well, and were one of the other contestants to be bitten on the toe, for instance, by a venomous snake, then who better than Fergie to suck out the poison..?’

Posted: 15th, October 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Tossing The Pig

‘REBECCA Loos masturbates a pig on national TV and suddenly there’s a flood of complaints.

‘Cop a load of this, Babe’

“It’s cruelty to animals,” some cry. “Why the pig, why not me,” ask others. “I thought it was supposed to be a corkscrew shape,” still others complain.

Fret not, dear viewer. It’s just TV – and the only two questions you need to ask is why the woman who shagged David Beckham didn’t go all the way with her porcine lover and what next.

For the answer to the first we hear from Rebecca herself. “I’m not that kind of girl,” she protests. “I never put out on a first date.”

For the answer to the second, we look to next year’s TV schedules and the new ITV series, When Animals Come!

Presented by Cat Deeley, the show will every week feature eight celebrities competing to see who can wank off their chosen animal the fastest.

“Get ready for some serious thrills and spills,” it says here on the press release. “Anyone who sees the incident with Anna Walker and the llama will never forget it as long as they live.”

We wait with bated breath…’

Posted: 7th, October 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Words To The Wise

‘TV reviewers love to hear their own voices.

Going straight…to a second series

Watching TV with one of this square-eyed bunch must be as charming as listening to next door’s Drum ‘n’ Base fans crank up the volume just as Gardener’s World is about to start.

How they must go on.

Better than listening to them is to just read the words that appear beneath each show in the listings.

Too Posh To Wash, lists the Guardian. “Aggie MacKenzie and Kim Woodburn attempt to improve the hygiene of a scenic artist.”

After that, there’s Going Straight: “Series in which six ex-prisoners attempt to set up a florist business in London.”

If that were not enough, the Sun’s listing says of the show: “The six former prisoners are short-handed in their florist’s shop when two of their number suddenly go down with food poisoning.”

If these shows did not look awful in the pitch and pre-production stages then they at least appear ludicrous when distilled into a few words.

Over in the Times, they’re watching Location, Location, Location – the demise of which will surely herald the end of the property boom.

“Kirstie Allsopp and Phil Spencer visit a couple in Farnham.”

If that sounds entertaining to you, you are either the lucky couple living in Farnham, eagerly awaiting your debut on TV, Kirstie or Phil, or unaware that you are alive.

Or a commissioning editor…’

Posted: 28th, September 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Pure Filth

‘THERE truly is no depths which TV will not plumb, no crevice that it won’t explore, no barrel that it won’t scrape in its quest to find just how low viewers are prepared to go.

”Bend over!”

And the depths don’t come much darker, the crevices more disgusting and the barrels more caked in grime than those in Too Posh To Wash, a new series from the people who tried to turn housework into entertainment in How Clean Is Your House.

The idea is self-explanatory – instead of people who are too lazy to clean their houses, Kim and Aggie come face to dirty face with those who are too lazy to clean themselves.

The “posh” part of the title is provided in the first episode by Osla, 23 years old and apparently an aristocrat – although you know that’s just a handy excuse for the programme title.

She owns just two bras, one of which has not been washed since she bought it a year ago; her mouth contains 80 times more bacteria than the average mouth and she has an attractive habit of wiping her bogies on whatever’s around.

What is more she’s sufficiently proud of her lack of hygiene that she volunteers to have it broadcast on national television.

And to think it is only two years since Anorak’s How Clean Is Your Arse (Celebrity Edition) was knocked back by Channel 4’s commissioning editors.

They said the British public weren’t ready to see Vanessa Feltz’s backside in extreme close-up…’

Posted: 21st, September 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Simon Sues

‘NEWS reaches us that pop mogul Simon Fuller is suing Simon Cowell, claiming that the latter’s new programme, X Factor, is a rip-off of the former’s Pop Idol show.

‘Make it stop, daddy! Make it stop!’

What’s the expression about two bald men fighting over a comb?

Of course, X Factor is a rip-off of Pop Idol, which was itself a rip-off of Popstars, which was a rip-off of shows like Opportunity Knocks and New Faces.

Will Changing Rooms now start trying to sue House Invaders, Mi Casa, Su Casa, Honey, I’ve Bulldozed Your House and all the other execrable make-over shows that it spawned?

In an industry that hasn’t had an original thought for the past three decades, the mind boggles at what would happen if TV programmes start suing copycats.

Fuller is the man responsible for saddling the world with the Spice Girls and S Club; Simon Cowell gave us Westlife.

If anyone’s going to be doing any suing, it should be us…’

Posted: 15th, September 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Cutting-Edge TV

‘HAD only Anthea Turner known, she could have returned to our screens tonight.

Before…and after

Reunited with her old Celebrity Big Brother mucker Vanessa Feltz, our Anthea could have reminded us that TV’s golden girl is still as blonde as she ever was.

But whether her agent got the dates got mixed up or not, Anthea went had her boobs upturned and inflated before Vanessa could introduce us to Cosmetic Surgery Live.

So instead of seeing Anthea get knocked out and cut open in the name of TV entertainment, we have to make do with some lesser lights.

People like British super slimmer Bernadette – who lost 11 stone in as many months – and then noticed that her skin was the last to find out.

And a mother and daughter who treat themselves to bigger chests live on air.

Of course, it’s all absolutely disgusting, but it is highly informative.

It’s easy to scoff at Nessie and to look down our noses at her co-host, Danniella Westbrook, but be in no doubt that this is cutting-edge TV.

Or an infomercial for any budding Ed Gein types out there. After all, what do you do with all the spare bits and off-cuts if not make a natty suit?’

Posted: 6th, September 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Soap Lather

‘IN a piece of brazen vote-rigging that would make even the Bush brothers blush, EastEnders is going to be named Best Soap at the Inside Soap awards in a couple of weeks’ time.

The sexiest woman in soaps?

The BBC soap may be more of a turn-off than Vanessa Feltz in her sexiest lingerie, but that won’t stop the residents of Walford lording it over their Coronation Street rivals.

And to cap it all Albert Square’s Kat Slater (aka Jessie Wallace) will probably be named Sexiest Woman In Soaps, evidence of why our ancestors resisted the universal franchise for so long.

It is the equivalent of George Bush winning Mastermind, King Alfred winning Masterchef and Ben Affleck winning a Best Actor Oscar – all rolled into one.

If there was a Watching Paint Dry award, we can understand why EastEnders would be in with a good shout, but unless the purpose of a soap is to put its dwindling audience into a coma, then how come it is the best?

Even Emmerdale can feel aggrieved – and they’ll be positively spitting on Hollyoaks.’

Posted: 27th, August 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Mob Rules

‘JUST when you are about to despair of ever watching another decent television programme in your life, along comes the Sopranos for a fifth and penultimate series.

Shrink not rapt

It’s not just that there is no home-produced TV that is as good as this multi-award-winning mafia drama, it’s that there is nothing that even gets close.

The series opener was a relatively tame affair – Tony has moved out of his house and a brown bear has moved in. How anyone could tell the difference we don’t know.

Paul and Christopher fell out and made up by shooting a waiter in Atlantic City who complained about the tip they’d left – a response with which many people who have spend much time in the Land Of The Free will sympathise.

Tony turned on all his charm for Dr Melfi, his strangely attractive shrink, but got turned down and called her a ‘cunt’ – which is not a word that is probably he learned at Charm School.

But the background to the whole series is that a number of old mob bosses have just been released from prison…and some of them want their old jobs back. It’s going to be bloody…’

Posted: 17th, August 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Big Futures

‘WHAT can we expect from Nadia in the coming days and weeks?

The perfect arse

An anti-smoking campaign can’t be far off, in which our favourite Portuguese (or Portu-geezer) puffer will – for charity – give up her favourite hobby.

She will go onto appear in an official capacity to talk about Big Brother 6 and become the face of Madeira.

As for the rest, time will tell. But we confidently predict the following:

Ahmed: Deported

Bekki: Headline billing in a Faliraki strip club

Dan: “Pubic hair expert to the stars”

Emma: A prison-based reality TV show

Jason: Many years telling everyone that he was once a big star; back-combing his thick and luxuriant arse hair

Kitten: Walk-on part as Rik in the Young Ones musical

Marco: Dale Winton’s best friend

Michelle: Newspaper porn. Top-shelf porn. Under the counter porn.

Shell: We watched it and can say that no-one called Shell was on the show

Stuart: Adverts for chicken stuffing

Vanessa: Bar work; something with ponies in Pretoria

Victor: Yoof TV presenter on local TV station; genie of the magic lamp in Channel 4’s Christmas panto.

Jade Goody, eat yer heart out…’

Posted: 9th, August 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

The End Is Nigh

‘BIG Brother is like a bad curry – it keeps on repeating on you.

Chicken Tonight

Tonight, we will gleefully swallow the final mouthful as the winner of the 71-day yawnfest is announced.

Will it be Shell? Will it be Jason? Will it be Dan? Or will it be Nadia?

The answer is of course that it will be all of them – they will all get paid thousands of pounds to divulge every last boring detail of their boring lives.

The Star, for instance, has paid Stuart, the long-haired drip who gave chickens a bad name, £100,000 for his story.

This from the Official Big Brother paper, the paper who in its early editions on Thursday led with the story of Shell’s eviction…only to find out that it was Stuart who was getting the boot.

The paper tried to play down its embarrassment, claiming to have been spoofed by its Big Brother sources.

“We can’t be too harsh on them,” a spokesman adds, “because we have got the Stu exclusive ahead of our rivals. The Daily Star has had the last laugh.”

Last laugh! The only person laughing is the inane Stuart, who is getting paid a small fortune for telling the Star readers what he’s been up to for the last 10 weeks. As if we hadn’t seen more than enough of him during that time…’

Posted: 6th, August 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Jay Walking?

‘WHO will win Big Brother? Who will return to their hometown a hero and secure a slot on This Morning as daytime telly’s official Big Brother expert?

Lanarkshire’s finest

It should be a tough question. There are five housemates left and choosing one from what is in effect the most popular bunch is supposed to test us all.

But since Stu needs a prop to become visible and Shell is as charismatic as one of Stu’s hats and wigs, we have only to chose our winner from three contestants.

And one of them is Dan.

Life is one long catwalk for Dan. And on that runway, Dan looks more like Kate Moss’s dad than a supermodel, as he minces down the catwalk to tell his unruly daughter to wise up and get with programme, girl.

Which leaves Jason and Nadia. And since Nadia is effectively two people in one, votes for her should be halved. And that can only mean that Jason will win.

And that’s what we want, because if there is one person guaranteed to puff out his chest and list winning Big Brother at the very top of his CV, it’s Scotland’s biggest arse.

So please let him win – and in so doing allow him to be humiliated for many years to come.

Come on Lanarkshire, give it up for Big Brother’s Jason.

Oh, the shame…’

Posted: 2nd, August 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

The Chain Gang

‘SOME of the best minds in Britain – and beyond – have tried and failed. So, now it’s over to you. The task is to come up with a weekly task for the Big Brother housemates that they might actually pass.

Shell tickles Stu’s tonsils

An impossible mission? Maybe. But Anorak readers are a resourceful lot and surely it is not beyond your considerable abilities to come up with something so simple that it’s within the capabilities of the six remaining contestants.

This week’s task looked simple enough – it required the housemates to be chained together in pairs and do everything for each other, including feeding each other, brushing each other’s teeth and applying each other’s make-up.

But it looks as if the Simple Six have failed almost before they have even started, sitting down and feeding themselves at their very first meal.

Needless to say, Geordie bunny boiler Michelle is less than happy that her chicken Stuart is chained up day and night to Shell, while she has to go to bed with balding Scottish beefcake Jason.

“Behave yourself, you,” she said as he disappeared off to bed with his new partner. Or else…’

Posted: 27th, July 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

All Bets Are Off

‘IT’S offcial – the bookies have started paying out on the bet that there would be a live shag on this year’s Big Brother.

Oi, Michelle. Save a bit of room for dessert.

You can debate all you like what went on in Michelle’s dirty den but, since William Hill and his mates are prepared to put their money where the Geordie’s mouth was, any arguments that she and Stu failed to do the big ‘it’ are futile.

British telly’s first live shag officially occurred in the early hours of Monday morning.

Well done to Big Brother for finally achieving the goal it’s been aiming for since series one.

But this success creates a problem and makes us wonder where will the show go next.

The simple answer is for brash Michelle and her dippy Stuart to get down to it in the full glare of the show’s umpteen cameras.

Viewers will be able to choose which camera they want to see the shag from.

“If you’d like to watch Stuart and Michelle shagging each other from Jason’s bedcam, press 1; for Victor’s, press 2; for Dan’s press 3” and so on.

Big Brother will then sell videos of edited out bits, in which Stuart does something interesting with one of his endless props and Michelle enacts a scene to make a Bangkok hostess blush.

And then the only bet to place will be when Big Brother goes off air…permanently.’

Posted: 21st, July 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Run, Chicken, Run

‘ON the back of each Big Brother contestant’s 15 minutes of fame, their mates get to enjoy 15 seconds in the spotlight as well, sharing with us their insights into the behaviour of the various housemates.

Resistance is futile

Take Stuart, for instance. His friends have been queuing up to explain to the newspapers what is going on between their man and fellow housemate Michelle Bass.

Stuart, we learn from one friend, is a man of very strong morals – which is why he won’t sleep with Michelle in the full glare of the cameras. Things will be different when both are out of the house.

Not so, says another. He is just stringing the would-be glamour model along in order to prolong his stay in the house and will dump her like a hot potato as soon as he gets out.

Rubbish, says a third. He will shag her once and then move on. “It’s nothing personal,” explains the friend on question. “That’s how he is with women.”

Clearly Stuart’s mates don’t know him from Adam. Neither do we, but we do know that if he’s got any sense he won’t stop running from the moment the door to the Big Brother house opens until his dying day.

It’s his only chance of giving the psycho Geordie bunny-boiler the slip…’

Posted: 19th, July 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Naked Ambition

‘SO, Big Brother has now had the housemates in school uniform and then in army gear. Next week, we imagine it will be Doctors & Nurses, followed by some PVC and then rounded off my some S&M role playing.

The role demands nudity

Dismal viewing the show may be for most of us, but somewhere in Elstree the show’s producers are living out their fantasies through the contestants. Is it just us or does anyone else find all this slightly disturbing?

Any pretence that the programme is anything other than a giant peep show has long since evaporated, even if none of the contestants have got balls to do what the producers want and actually shag on camera.

In recent days, we’ve had both Shell and Michelle streaking across the garden, Becki and Nadia licking jam off Michelle’s breasts, Dan and Stu doing similar to Nadia, the girls spanking each other and, of course, more teenaged snogging from Michelle and Stuart.

With six housemates up for eviction this week, is there any chance we can vote all six out?’

Posted: 13th, July 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Get Jay Walking

‘JUST when you thought Becki could not possibly become any less popular, someone had the bright idea of turning her into Posh Spice.

Expel him!

Her chances of surviving the week are now less then those of a plump cow in an Albanian abattoir. And that’s appropriate, because Becki is simply offal (geddit?).

Her only chance of staying in the house beyond Friday’s eviction night is if anyone watching notices Ahmed, the other housemate up for the boot.

And why Ahmed? Why not Jason? Why not Jason? Why not Jason? We ask the questions, but no answer is forthcoming. Why not Jason?

Jason is not up for eviction this week. Indeed, Jason has not been up for eviction any week.

And odder still is the fact that he’s not yet been thrown out. Jason has received two formal warnings from Big Brother. Three and he’s out.

But since discussing nominations is worthy of an official reprimand – and he’s broken this rule on more than 30 occasions – why has he not been chucked out on his ear?

Let’s get rid of Jason. This turgid show is painful to watch at the best of times, but with him around it’s less desirable than, well, Jason.

And we had thought that was impossible…’

Posted: 7th, July 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Seal Cull

‘LIKE a Canadian with a big club, the British public took their chance to silence Marco’s seal shrieks once and for all as they voted to evict the irritating law student.

The end for Marco?

That means Nadia and Michelle will live to fight another day.

A more irritating bunch of losers it’s hard to imagine, but the biggest dick among them must be the truly loathsome Jason.

Here’s him on the subject of big-titted bisexual Becki – “If she made a move on me, I’d shun her, but to be safe I’d do it politely.”

If she made a move on the balding Scot, she’s need her head examined. And there’s not much chance of that now after he managed to reduce her to tears after complaining about the noise she made blowing her nose.

If there was something up her nose, it was probably a revolting oil slick of a bodybuilder…’

Posted: 2nd, July 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Me, Myself And I

‘ANYONE out there remember Vanessa Nimmo? Sure you do – blonde…fancied herself…South African…got off with Jason?

Nadia’s secret threatens to fall out

Yes, that’s it, now you remember her. Well, forget her because Big Brother has a new girl and she’s called Becki Seddiki.

We know little about Becki with an i as it stands, so let’s give her the benefit of any doubt and just say that she’ll be loud and vacuous.

Thus blessed with the vital elements to thrive within the house, Becki with an i will prove to be more popular than Jason and less popular than Marco.

She’ll out Nadia to the rest of the gang, flash her tits and, as is the way with Leos, tell everyone she is a Leo.

She’ll also tell everyone that she’s a trainee florist and has a degree in psychology.

And she’ll be as bitter as a twisted lemon when she’s voted out in three weeks’ time.

Yes, we give her just three weeks. After that, she’s back to flower arranging.

“RIP Becki” with an i, as it says on her secret file marked “My Wonderful TV Career”. We fear we will see many more of your like again.’

Posted: 28th, June 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Van-ity Case

‘ARE there no mirrors in the Big Brother house? Has Vanessa ever seen her reflection? Do all her friends outside the house look like Nadia in her pre-op days?

Vamessa The Undresser

For some reason, the woman seems to have got it into her vain skull that she is some kind of supermodel, suggesting that if she and bed-partner Shell were an item they would be “the best-looking lesbian gay couple in the world”.

Perhaps – assuming that Vanessa Feltz didn’t get it on with Lisa Riley in the meantime.

The rest of the housemates know it as well – when they had to come up with a statue of their ideal housemate using body parts of the 10 people left in the house, Vanessa’s contribution was…her arms.

Not her face, not her body, not her blonde hair, but her arms. Hardly a ringing endorsement of a woman who clearly thinks that her outstanding beauty is the cause of any – and every – problem she encounters.

Still, she’s lucky to even get her arms included – if Michelle had her way, the statue would have been a spitting image of Stuart, her chicken, her “perfect package”..

The poor Geordie has exhausted her whole gamut of mating rituals – all of which seem to involve chasing the long-haired student around and flashing her breasts at him – and still can’t get him into the sack.

Of course, were it Ness – that “fat, cellulite slag”, as Michelle likes to call her – in pursuit, there would be no way that Stuart could resist.

What man – or woman – could?!’

Posted: 24th, June 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

A Horror Show

‘IT’S just a jump to the left.

‘Damnit, Janet, I love you’

And then a step to the right. With your hands on your hips, you bring your knees in tight. But it’s the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane…

Let’s throw up in the Big Brother house again…

Oh, damn it, Emma, you did well to escape the mad house, the place where Jason (Rocky), Dr. Frank-N-Furter (Nadia), Riff Raff (Marco), Janet Weiss (Michelle) and Brad Majors (Stuart), Magenta (Vanessa) now call home.

Along with the Transylvanians (Shell, Ahmed and Victor), the entire cast and crew of the rocky Horror Show have assembled.

And if you’re looking for Chris Biggins or Meatloaf, you’ll have to make do with Daniel, who although too tall and too lean to be either does possess all of the Biggins machismo and the Meatloaf sexuality.

But, of course, the true stars of the Rocky Horror Show were ever the audience at home. Invited to sing along with the misfits and freaks, the viewer is transported by a step and a jump to a land removed from reality.

Otherwise known as Elstree….’

Posted: 21st, June 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

What A Load Of Tits!

‘AS if there weren’t enough tits already on display in the house, Big Brother is fast becoming the world’s most drawn-out wet T-shirt competition as one female contestant after another finds an excuse to take their top off.

The Brains Trust

Of course, in Michelle’s case this is understandable – her appearance on the programme is actually one long audition for a job as a glamour model and we confidently expect her breasts to make a series of public appearances even after she has been evicted.

But the others seem just as obsessed with getting their boobs out purely for the love of the game.

Emma, who is so thick she gives idiots a bad name, has been passing time in the bedsit flashing her tits at the cameras; Shell’s solution to any problem is to take her clothes off; and even Nadia now looks for any excuse to get her man-made mammaries out.

Only Vanessa has kept her puppies under wraps so far, although Jason (whose own breasts are probably bigger than anything the girls have to offer) is doing his best to get himself a private viewing.

Let’s just hope this behaviour isn’t contagious – there are also quite enough pricks on view in the house without Victor, Jason, Nadia et al showing us theirs.’

Posted: 15th, June 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Bring Back Benny Hill

‘BRING back Benny Hill. Those are words we at Anorak never thought we’d say. But since we’ve said them once, we’ll say them again: bring back Benny Hill.

‘Oh no! My dress has fallen off yet again!’

So what if he’s dead, just bring him back. Who cares if his Hill’s Angels are a few excess pounds over their fighting weight these days and living in some retirement home for showgirls; dress them for action.

Is Henry McGee still alive? You don’t know? Well, make it your business to know. If you are reading this, Mr McGee, even you are welcome to come back to our screens.

You see, we’ve seen Big Brother, and it’s like watching the end of the Benny Hill Show – the bit where Benny chases the Hill’s Angels around and around with no hope of ever catching any of them – without any of what’s gone before.

There is no build-up in tension, no simmering romance, no jokes; just a chase. And whoever said a chase had an element of thrill contained within it has clearly never seen Michelle at work.

A snail with a false leg could catch the wannabe topless model up, so long as it had a penis. And then why bother chasing, because for a lump of mud, she’ll show you her tits.

And so will Emma. And Nadia. And Shell. And Marco. And Stuart. And Ahmed. But not Vanessa, however much Jason (whose tits we’ve seen) nags her.

And not Dan, who, most likely, has a pendulous pair of massive knockers tucked into his trousers.

Not that we’ll break a sweat trying to see them, though.’

Posted: 11th, June 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Those Pesky Kids

‘IT is the fate of all parents not to know what their kids get up to behind their backs – and, by the sounds of it, the parents of Big Brother’s Michelle Bass are no exception.

Bass instincts

They appear to be genuinely shocked by their rampant daughter’s behaviour after she “did a Jade” with fellow housemate Stuart Wilson.

(“Doing a Jade” is not, as you might suspect, anything to do with kebabs; rather it refers to what tabloid newspapers coyly term “performing a sex act” – and what the rest of the world knows as “giving a blow job”).

In the same way, the parents of the Club 18-30 reps who “did a Jade” on three holidaymakers in the Greek resort of Faliraki sounded stunned that their daughters could have (literally) sunk so low.

Even in the face of video evidence, most prefer to deny the obvious. “Our Nikki wouldn’t do that,” the parents will say, despite pictures of their Nikki on her knees doing exactly that.

What do parents think their kids do when they’re out on the town on a Saturday night? Have a couple of camparis, a dance with a nice young man and then early to bed?

Still, Michelle’s parents might be able to ask her themselves – she’s been nominated along with Ahmed for this week’s eviction. It’ll be interesting to see whether Stuart was one of the four who wanted her out…’

Posted: 8th, June 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Dumb & Dumber

‘IF Big Brother achieves nothing else, it is at least a reminder of the continued failings of the British education system.

Shell learns to clap

Jade Goody was lampooned for her complete ignorance of the whereabouts of East Angular, her confusion concerning the footballing skills of Rio De Janeiro and her invention of a whole new language, Portuganese, spoken of course in Spain.

Before her, Helen was the archetypal dizzy blonde, having unfortunately devoted all her attention at school to blinking instead of academic work.

But this sad mob are arguably worse than anything that has gone before.

Kitten is that worst kind of ass – the person who thinks the volume at which they express their opinion is somehow connected with the validity thereof.

Perhaps she should learn that Adolf Hitler wasn’t blown up sometime in the 1930s, as she confidently asserted – although the world would have been much better off if he had.

Michelle’s spelling could literally bring tears to our eyes – SHUGAR and SOSAGE both made an appearance on this week’s shopping list, but the ability to spell is perhaps not important for a woman whose ambition is to become a topless model.

And as for Emma…’

Posted: 4th, June 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

BB Five Goes Mad

‘WHEN Marco paraded before out eyes, we wondered if Friends had really ended.

Getting under our skin already

Was this Rachel, minus the hair but very much with the gauche mannerisms intact, scampering here and there “ohymygodding” as she went?

We wager that it is.

And so it was that the Big Brother cast assembled.

And let’s start with the positive. Firstly, each of the gang looks as though he and she has a personality, a character trait lacking in all of last year’s contestants.

But even among the egos, a few managed to stand out. Marco was one. Kitten was one more.

The Young Ones’ Rick (without the silent ‘P’ – she’s a lesbian), dressed like a student activist from a Viz comic strip, stuck up two fingers to anyone and everyone no less than five times as she flounced into the house.

She’s toast.

As is Jason, who arrived in a G-string in place of conversation. Daniel won’t win because he’s too tall. Victor is too insecure. Shell is too well spoken. Michelle will not do that well but she will get ‘em out in the Star. And at 44, Ahmed is just too old.

From the rest will come the winner. And the early money at Anorak Towers is on Stuart – the one with Rachel Green’s hair…’

Posted: 29th, May 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment