Celebrities | Anorak - Part 413

Celebrities Category

Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.

Loft Cause

‘GIVEN the ubiquity of American-made sitcoms – at least the good ones – on Channel 4, the roots of Bedsitcom are founded in quicksand.

”And I’m not in it”

The producers have decided against setting the entire thing in an apartment in New York, Seattle or Boston and have decided in their wisdom to locate the show in a London loft-style flat.

Yeah, a flat. It’s a world British-based sitcoms are well used to, it being how the audience routinely feel after an episode of Two Pints Of Something Gassy and Gimme Gimme Gimme A Gun – Now!

This reality sitcom (hurry with that gun!) follows the lives of six loft dwellers, three of whom are – unbeknown to the other three – actors.

To add to this mess, the actors have their lines written for them; the wannabes adlib.

Fans of Larry David’s Curb Your Enthusiasm know how well that formula can work. The mix of the scripted and not has its many pluses.

But Curb has Larry David, while Bedsitcom has the people it has. That’s a problem – although being unfunny has not stopped other sitcoms being smash hits.

All you need is a café and a New York skyline. Bedsitcom has neither.’

Posted: 9th, December 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

The Big Conversation

‘IF there was a truly public vote to choose the Sports Personality of the last 50 years, it is clear that David Beckham would win by a mile, followed by Michael Owen, Jonny Wilkinson and then probably Victoria Beckham.

”Shall we wait for Timmy?”

But for some reason footballers do not fare particularly well in the annual poll and, given that Wilkinson is a nailed on certainty for this year’s award, the BBC are trying to inject a bit of excitement by asking people to vote for the best of the previous 49 winners.

Tonight, last year’s winner Paula Radcliffe joins Gary Lineker for the first of five programmes this week called Simply The Best to look back over the previous decade, which saw winners which include Beckham and Owen but also Greg Rusedski and Damon Hill (twice).

If Wilkinson does win the actual vote at the weekend, he will be the first rugby player to win and only the eighth person from a team sport (after four footballers and three cricketers).

By far the majority of winners (16) are athletes, with motorsport (7), boxing (4), tennis (3) and ice skating (3) also providing more than their fair share.’

Posted: 8th, December 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

In The Mix

‘CHANNEL 4’s Unreported World slot has been consistently engaging since its inception. Tonight it is no less so as we are introduced to Clubbing On the Frontline.

‘An eye for an eye, but twenty sheckles for an E is taking the piss’

The programme follows three Israeli clubbers in the run up to the country’s largest and most exuberant music festival, the Love Parade.

This is a side of Israel that it has become unfashionable to show in the mass media, chiefly thanks to a nasty left wing agenda that seeks to agitate hatred and loathing by repeatedly telling us how terrible things are.

The programme works best when it shows that what we consider normal in the west is still commonplace in Israel.

The thousands of clubbers go clubbing for a release from the pressures of being young and to have fun.

The presence of suicide bombers and high tensions between Israelis and Palestinians appear as concerns for the youth, but not their main concern.

Unlike their leaders, the clubbers seem to think of the future and seek ways of escaping the past. This is one place where the hackneyed musician’s clenched-fist salute to peace and love really cuts some ice…’

Posted: 5th, December 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Shedding Light On Chelsea

‘ONE cannot expect Chelsea fans to be anything other than grateful to Roman Abramovich, the Russian billionaire whose money has brought some of the world’s top players to Stamford Bridge and taken the club to the top of the Premiership.

”Hmm. Who shall I buy today?”

Any fan of any other football club would love to have a benefactor with pockets as deep as Abramovich to buy them success, particularly at a club like Chelsea which flattered to deceive so much over recent years.

However, although it may not be of great concern in the Shed End, the means by which Abramovich came by his massive wealth is worthy of closer scrutiny.

Unfortunately, Five’s breezy half-hour documentary tonight offers little insight into the man or his past (particularly the post-Glasnost oil deals that made a handful of Russians – known collectively as the oligarchs – riches beyond comprehension, while their countrymen have been left in poverty).

Instead, it concentrates on a side of the story that Mr Abramovich is no doubt far more comfortable with – how his roubles have turned underachievers Chelsea into table-topping Chelski, all to the tune of the Russian folk song Kalinka…’

Posted: 4th, December 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Green, Green Grass Of Home

‘IT is an oddity that, given the masses of foreign students, asylum seekers, backpackers and Antipodean barstaff in Britain today, we still hanker for a life overseas.

”I fancy starting a new life in Solihull”

Does the very presence of so many non-Brits in our midst not tell us something? Is there not a vital clue in their just being here?

Of course, things change when we meet them, particularly those drawling barmen and women.

While we gaze out at the grey sodden landscape, clutch the small pieces of change Gordon Brown hasn’t already picked from our pockets and drink some over-priced syrupy concoction, they tell us about life back home.

Back there the sun is shining. The birds are singing. The drug-free meat is cooking on the hot charcoals. The wine is cold and crisp. You can’t see the air. Life is good.

So off we go, and in tow we take with us camera crew, a soundman and clapboard. Tonight the team of No Going Back arrive in Andalusia.

And the wannabe ex-pats they film are surprised to see that a dilapidated farmhouse over there looks very much like a dilapidated farmhouse back here – albeit without the film crew…’

Posted: 3rd, December 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Penk Rocked

‘NOW we know that the Queen is an avid fan of Kirsty’s Home Videos, we imagine that she and the corgis will be up late this evening to catch Steve Penk and his TV’s Naughtiest Blunders.

”Surely you could have found a picture of Steve Penk”

If she is, she will be just about the only person in Britain with a constitution strong enough to stomach the sight of Penk’s overly made-up face on the screen.

In fact, one of Her Majesty’s subject might like to break off from their doctorate on why toast always falls buttered side down when dropped to look into why TV employs only the most nauseating hosts for blooper shows.

From the smug Dennis Norden to the oleaginous Terry Wogan, from the grating tones of Lisa Riley to the monotone of Kirsty Gallagher, it’s a painful experience watching these packages of “hilarious” outtakes.

But all of the above pale into insignificance beside Penk – the kind of TV host that looks like he has been put together by a particularly incompetent committee. He combines the perfect face for radio, the perfect voice for silent movies and the perfect personality for obscurity.’

Posted: 2nd, December 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

You’ll Always Watch Alone

‘WHEN Jimmy Corkhill delivered his appalling speech on the last episode of Brookside we didn’t bother watching.

Merseybeat – sponsored by Michelin

But, apparently, someone did take a look, and the rant – aimed at everyone and listened to by no-one – was full of self-pity and even more self-importance. Our source assures us that it was a blessed relief when Jimmy finally walked off set.

The heady days of the 1980s when Brooky was genuinely entertaining and gripping, offering a bitter-sweet slice-of-life to the mainstream, were long behind it.

But just as we were ignoring Brookside, the BBC was endeavouring to keep the Liverpool theme alive in Merseybeat.

For those who have not seen the BBC1 show, the similarity to Brookside is uncanny. 1) Both are set in Merseyside. 2) Both are so bad that calling them terrible sounds like a compliment. 3) John McArdel moved to Merseybest after playing Bobby Cockhill, Jimmy’s brother, in Brookside.

Merseybeat’s Newton Park station is full of the type of Scouse losers so unloved on Brookside. You half expect sad Jimmy Corkhill to walk thought the doors any minute, gibbering to Inspector Charlie Eden (Leslie Ash) about how unfair life is.’

Posted: 1st, December 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Live And Plugged

‘THE BBC couldn’t really ask for a much better line-up as they launch the All New Top Of The Pops tonight with an exclusive showing of Michael Jackson’s latest video – and it isn’t the one of him on the private jet in discussions with his lawyer.

Double A or Double B?

Elton John will sing Your Song live from Atlanta, Kylie Minogue will be in the studio and Tony Blair’s favourite band, The Darkness, will premiere their festive offering, Christmas Time (Don’t Let The Bells End).

Add to that Nelly and Mis-teeq, Robbie Williams and Lisa Maffia, Will Young and Gareth Gates, Westlife (and the awful dirge that is Mandy) and Blazin Squad – all on a show that is going out live – and tonight’s show sounds like a sure-fire hit.

The one downer is the presence of Victoria Beckham, who will let audiences hear both the tracks on the double-A side single she is releasing next month and ask them to decide which they prefer.

How about neither?’

Posted: 28th, November 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

A Land Of Plenty

‘DID you see how bonzer a time Jonny Wilkinson had in Australia recently? Sure, he was called boring and Pom-bashed and mashed, but did you see the rain?

A rock

That was pure golden rain. And if you’d been there in Oz to see it you’d have realised that it’s not like our cold, flat rain, but a kind of rain chardonnay, with a little body and fizz.

Very soon such useful facts about Oz will be made available in a public information film. You will all be called upon one by one to have your eyelids propped open with cocktail sticks and forced to watch images of men with red necks, kangaroos, sand and cold tinnies.

All the while, Rolf Harris’s Two Little Boys will be pumped into your ears.

The message will be made clear: “Go Oz! Go Now!”

By way of a taster, others have been sent as a kind of first wave. Like Charlie’s cat, they will do stupid things, such as forgetting to wear sunscreen and not looking inside boots for scorpions.

Tonight Channel 4 follows a few more of them in A New Life Down Under at 8pm. Look on and wonder why you have not made the trip.

Go on, make some more room for the rest of us in Blighty; clear a few hospital beds; vacate a few properties.

Go away and do not ever come back!’

Posted: 27th, November 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

The Whip Hand

‘YOU have to feel sorry for the Queen – she spent Monday night in Edinburgh watching the likes of Busted, Westlife and Luciano Pavarotti at the Royal Variety Performance when she would far rather have been catching up on events in Albert Square.

Rachel tried hard to shake her clean-cut image

We are the lucky ones – we can see a two-hour highlights package of the event tonight and don’t have to miss a minute of our favourite soap, even if like Her Maj we also have to be subjected to Rachel Stevens’ bondage routine.

Let’s be honest – Rachel may be quite pretty, but hearing her debut single Sweet Dreams My LA Ex is about as exciting as listening to paint dry and we very much doubt her new effort Funky Dory is going to be much better.

Which is no doubt where the whips and chains come in. We’re sure, however, the Queen (who is known to own a few dungeons of her own) would approve.’

Posted: 26th, November 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Thanking God

‘LET me pray. I’d like to thank God for giving me the buttocks to sit on this chair, the money to buy a computer to write on and the desire to sit up all night watching television.

A divine Messenger

It’s good to thank the Divine one for things once in a while.

Take celebrities who love thanking God. “Thank you, God,” says the boxer after he’s knocked seven shades of something brown out of his opponent.

“Thank you, God,” says the actress as she accepts her award for faking an orgasm in a movie. “Thank you, God,” says the singer as he receives his award for singing about blowin’ people away and taking drugs.

God clearly has lots to be thanked for. And tonight Michael Buerk (The Hand of God, 10:35pm) asks a few notables about their relationship with the bestower of gifts.

Earlier, at 9pm on Channel 4, Piers Morgan, the editor of the Mirror newspaper, meets some other recipients of winning tickets in God’s lucky dip in The Importance Of Being Famous.

Ulrika Jonsson (thank God for men), Melinda Messenger (thank God for silicon), Linda Barker (thank God for jungles) and Simon Cowell (thank God he‘s not my dad), talk about being famous.

Meanwhile we ask how in God’s name any of this bunch of self-aggrandising vanity cases ever made it. God only knows.’

Posted: 25th, November 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Oliver’s Army

‘HENRY Ford may have thought that history was bunk, but TV producers can’t get enough of it at the moment with tonight’s documentary about Oliver Cromwell providing a backdrop to the BBC’s costume drama about King Charles II.

"Restoration! Restoration! Restoration!"

Following on closely, as it does, the recent drama about King Henry VIII, the Tudors and Stuarts cannot have had as much exposure for the best part of 300 years.

Christopher Eccleston narrates tonight’s hour-long documentary about a man who is most famous for his brilliant military success in defeating King Charles I in the English Civil War and then having the king beheaded.

What is less well-known is just how unpopular Cromwell became after the war, a religious bigot who – like a 17th Century Tony Blair – decided to ban just about every pleasure imaginable.

He would even have taken the crown himself had he not realised that in those circumstances his military commanders would have deserted him. King Oliver 1? It doesn’t sound quite right, does it?’

Posted: 24th, November 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

The Bewitching Hour

‘BETWEEN 7:30 and 8:30 something odd happens to Channel 4.

‘I’m Randy’

It’s as if the broadcaster’s old programmers have wrestled free of their shackles and been allowed to produce some informative and, dare it not be said, entertaining television.

Sure, the night is full of trite repeats of Friends, the annoyingly self-reverential Will & Grace and Graham Norton talking about sex aids with all the guile of a gang of call centre employees on a hen night, but there is good among the dross.

At 7:30, Jon Ronson introduces The Art Show: I Am, Unfortunately, Randy Newman.

The laconic Ronson tonight pays tribute to the eponymous American singer-songwriter, a man so middle-of the road that he is in danger of being run over even while he sleeps.

This is a droll, well-executed piece of television. As is the show that follows: Unreported World: A Quick Fix.

The programme focuses on Thailand’s war on drugs. We see a side of Thailand few tourists see, and few want to.

Reporter/producer Zaiba Malik does an admirable job in relaying to us what it is to live in a state so keen to purge itself of drugs that it might be guilty of state-sanctioned executions.

It goes to show Channel 4 can make decent TV – just a shame that it does it so rarely…’

Posted: 21st, November 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

The Wedding Planner

‘IF the Americans knew where Britain actually was, they could come over here and make TV programmes pointing out how absurd we are – but they seem to be labouring under the impression that we are all a lot smarter than them.

An English Rose

Of course, when a man who can barely pronounce his own name can make it into the White House, it is very easy for us to feel a bit smug.

It is a feeling that is only exacerbated by the likes of Louis Theroux, Ali G and Daisy Donovan, all of whom have found much to laugh about in the rich tapestry that is American society.

For instance, tonight Daisy visits Gatlinburg, Tennessee, a town devoted entirely to weddings, marrying as it does 25,000 people a year and takes a job as a wedding co-ordinator.

The couple, whose wedding Daisy organises, tearfully tell her that she is the best wedding co-ordinator they have ever had – which makes one suspect that they have visited Gatlinburg with different partners a fair few times before.

Of course, if you want a cheap laugh at Americans, you could just watch President Bush on the news tonight. But that’s just cruel…’

Posted: 20th, November 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

In A Sunshine State

‘AS any protestor against God FM shock-jocks Bush and Blair will tell you, “no-one” in Britain wants George Bush to be here. No-one is a pretty definite number.

”Shall I get fries with the burger?”

But we have found at least two people who think George Bush is nice enough and wouldn’t mind putting their necks under his yoke of terror.

Well, ITV did the hunting, and tonight it shows us a nice couple who Want That House in Florida (ITV 5:30).

Perhaps this nice couple only want the home in the Sunshine State, the swampy place ruled by Governor Jeb Bush, Dubya’s brother, while Dubya’s out of town? Call it a timeshare.

But who cares since a protestor will tell you that no-one likes this programme? They’ll tell you that “no-one” likes Florida. No-one likes its Governor. No-one likes its oranges. And no-one likes Mickey Mouse. No-one.

Which leaves us looking for things we do like. And since we are told by protestors that we all like not liking George Bush, we might as well all go out and protest against him.

That will leave no-one indoors to watch the telly, other than the 18-odd million who get their thrills from Coronation Street. But let’s not worry about them. As any protestor will tell you, they are “no-one” special.’

Posted: 19th, November 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Snack Attack

‘AS President Bush puts his feet up on his first night in London, dips his hand into a large bowl of pretzels and tries to eat them without blacking out, he will no doubt feel right at home – TV in Britain is just as bad as TV over in the good ole US of A.

‘So how many Queen Elizabeths do you have?’

In fact, on many channels it is exactly the same as TV in the States with programmes like CSI: Miami and CSI: Crime Scene Investigation all doing a good job of making the President feel like he’s still at home.

The FBI Files, also on Five, reminds Bush that the Feds may not be able to spot a terrorist attack when it’s called Osama and is poking them in the face but they have at least solved one crime in their history.

And later on that evening, George Dubya can take in the NFL Game Of The Week with coverage of San Francisco 49ers against the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Alternatively, Bush might like to take in a bit of local flavour with Royal Gardeners on BBC2 examining the elaborate gardens of Queen Elizabeth I. At least, it should give him something to talk to her daughter about…’

Posted: 18th, November 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

What The Doctor Ordered

‘SUCH is the power of the Atkins Diet that by the time you have finished reading this your writer will be ten pounds lighter.

‘I stink therefore I am thin’

So light will I be that my fingers will actually float over the keyboard, followed by my paper-thin arms, my to-die-for waist and what’s left of my legs.

Many of you will know what I’m taking about since there are an estimated three million Britons on the diet.

Of those millions, almost all are celebrities.

Some of the others who make up the remaining hundred or so thousand dieters want to be like a celeb. Others just want to be less fat. And as nation, we are fat and getting fatter all the time.

So Dr Atkins it is. And tonight Channel 4 broadcasts a documentary that weighs the pros and cons of the eating regime.

But if ever a show needed smell-o-vision this one is it. You might look good after Dr Atkins has sculpted you. You might feel good. But you will smell like a decaying squirrel.

And unless that’s what a Hollywood star smells like (and we’re sure Catherine Zeta Jones does not), you’d best avoid the diet all together.’

Posted: 17th, November 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

New News

‘ALEXANDER Armstrong, one half of the comedy duo Armstrong & Miller, takes over from Jimmy Carr in the Have I Got News For You hot seat tonight.

‘Well, I can’t be the compere and be a team member every week as well’

Carr, co-presenter of Channel 4’s excellent Your Face Or Mine, meanwhile can be found later this evening on the same channel hosting a game show called Distraction, in which four contestants have to answer questions while being put off by various often painful challenges.

On ITV at the same time is The Frank Skinner Show, which is moved temporarily from its normal Monday night home because of Prime Suspect.

That means for one week at least it will go head-to-head with Jonathan Ross and looking at the respective line-ups this is not a battle Wossie can be too confident of winning.

True, he has Ricky Gervais on his couch, but would you put Leslie Ash up against Hollywood heavyweight Robert Downey Jnr and heavyweight polemicist Michael Moore? She might get more than a fat lip…’

Posted: 14th, November 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Daisy, Daisy

‘DAISY Donovan is the funniest woman on TV right now.

Louise Theroux

We can say that with great confidence since Daisy Donovan is the only woman who consistently appears on terrestrial TV as a comic performer.

Sadly, Daisy is also the unfunniest comedic female performer on TV. It’s a double-edged sword for Daisy.

Daisy’s trick is to do what Louis Theroux does when he interviews people in left of centre businesses and lifestyles. And that’s it.

But whereas Louis seems to actually engage the people he talks to, Daisy just sniggers at them.

All the audience has to believe is that Daisy is superior in every way to everyone she meets. To facilitate this flight of fancy, she goes to America.

Tonight we just get to cringe as Daisy does amateur night at New York’s Apollo theatre. We are meant to laugh at the poor saps who parade themselves in the misguided belief that they are talented.

It’s the night when the biggest loser wins. Daisy enters stage right. And, you guessed it, she wins hands down.’

Posted: 13th, November 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Facing The Music

‘WHAT on earth was Amanda Holden, the former Mrs Les Dennis, doing hosting the National Music Awards? Really! We could have understood it had her ex-spouse got the gig, but what connection has Amanda got to the music industry?

‘What about my bum?’

Having said that, what connection have most of the winners got to the music industry with the awards being dominated by pre-packaged stars like Gareth Gates, Will Young and Rachel Stevens?

Needless to say, Kylie won an award for having the best bum or something, The Cheeky Girls won one for singing a song about bums and Shirley Bassey and her bum picked up a lifetime achievement award.

We know all this because the award ceremony took place more than two weeks ago, but it has taken that long to condense all the fun into just two hours of television.

On a more serious note, we recommend you watch with the volume turned down.’

Posted: 12th, November 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Curb Your Enthusiasm

‘INSTEAD of employing Suzi Perry to talk to us as if we were simpletons (as if!), or dressing Alan Titchmarsh up as a monkey in a tree, the BBC should foster interest in its satellite output by showing us clips of BBC4’s Curb Your Enthusiasm.

‘Who are you calling Larry David?’

The show, shorthanded to Curb in the circles that know, centres on the life of Larry David. Too few of you will know who Larry David is because a) you do not have satellite TV and b) the programme planners chose to show Seinfeld, the comedy he co-wrote, around midnight.

Seinfeld was the funniest thing on TV for an age. Famously about nothing, it made episodes around such things as the top of muffins, a woman with man’s hands and George Costanza’s myriads jobs.

And George is key to your understanding of Larry David’s Curb. For all purposes George is Larry. The physical similarities of the two are too close to be accidental – and what a horrible accident.

Each half-hour episode of Curb features verité-style footage of David confronting what is a banal and empty life.

Tonight, Larry attempts to woo his neighbour, an incompetent lawyer but a big Seinfeld fan, by arranging to have Julia Louis-Dreyfuss (Seinfeld’s Elaine) come for a visit.

It’s all going fine – until life takes hold…’

Posted: 11th, November 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Suspect Television

‘THERE was a time when British TV wasn’t dominated by reality shows, quiz shows and home improvement shows. Yes, we know it sounds incredible, but there was.

‘Wake up, Maggie, Rachel, Penny, whatever your name is. Get your things and clear off’

There was a time when programmes like Prime Suspect and Cracker were the norm rather than the exception, but who wants to make decent drama when you can pay a sacked Blue Peter presenter to question a few minor celebrities every night, as FIVE does with its new offering 19 Keys?

Luckily, as those of you who saw last night’s first part will know, over on ITV Helen Mirren is back after a seven-year break as Jane Tennyson in Prime Suspect VI and there is not a buzzer, hidden camera or bit of MDF in sight.

In this concluding part, Tennyson makes a breakthrough on the case when she travels to Bosnia, but – needless to say – all is not well when she returns to England.

Would that there were a few more programmes like this on TV and a few less like Rod’s Girls, described as “an affectionate look at rock star Rod Stewart’s legendary love life”.

If you want to see a procession of good-looking blondes, go and stand in a bus queue in Sweden…’

Posted: 10th, November 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Maison Des Horreurs

‘THERE are now so many television shows dedicated to telling Britons what to expect when they leave these shores that you’d be excused for smelling a rat.

One-way traffic

Has a deal been agreed between the Blair and French governments which says how for every ten asylum seekers who land on our beaches, we send to France 20 middle-class couples who dream of owning vineyards and guest houses in the Dordogne?

Tonight FIVE has just such a show at 8:30 (Dream Holiday Home). But anyone watching that will miss All About Me, which airs at the same time on BBC1.

So, FIVE’s mission to emigrate vast swathes of middle England it is. But only after you’ve seen House of Horrors on ITV.

Jonathan Matiland – think Esther Rantzen without the teeth – sets to catch out rogue traders.

In truth, it pretty much epitomises a modern TV show. We get to see inside people’s houses and laugh at them and the workmen they fork out cash to employ.

But it could be better. And we suggest Maison Des Horreurs, in which the entire thing is shot not in Dudley but the Dordogne. Ah, the genius of simplicity.’

Posted: 7th, November 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

The Queen’s Lost Uncle

‘IF you thought Royal scandal was the preserve of the Queen’s children and their various partners, you’d be very wrong. Even Princess Margaret didn’t set the benchmark for dissolution among the Windsors.

‘I could tell you a few things about him – for the right money, of course’

Tonight, Channel 4 introduces us to Prince George, the Queen’s uncle and brother to King George VI (who was actually called David) and King Edward VIII, he of the American wife and Nazi sympathies.

Anyway, George was the kind of figure tabloid newspapers die for – a bisexual playboy with a morphine habit who was the sometime lover of Noel Coward.

If you wonder why you haven’t heard of George, it’s because he died in a mysterious plane crash in 1942. Sounds familiar? Let’s see if anyone remembers Diana Spencer in 60 years time…

The Queen’s Lost Uncle is on Channel 4 at 9pm.’

Posted: 6th, November 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Remember, Remember

‘NO sooner has the little blighter next door chucked eggs and flour over your front door on Hallowe’en, then he’s sticking a lit firework through your letterbox.

Jeffrey Archer wishes he hadn’t agreed to by the guy at his local bonfire party

Tonight is Bonfire Night. You’d do well to remember that, and a few other things besides.

A) Remember all to be in the garden whatever the temperature to watch the fantastic display.

B) Remember to eat roast potatoes so hot that they inflict third degree burns to your hands and cause the roof of your mouth actually to catch light.

C) Remember to stand well back – thus doing as the person with their head over the firework they’ve just lit has commanded.

D) Remember to throw your mug of revolting hot punch over the designated firework lighter as their beard burns in the moonlight.

E) Remember to wonder why you didn’t just go to an organised firework display at the recreation ground.

F) Remember to forget Bonfire Night next year.

G) Throw a small man on the fire.’

Posted: 5th, November 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment