Back From The Dead

‘TANIA might yet evade the walk of shame and eviction by slipping out of the house in an ambulance.

Tania almost bores herself to death

Mucking about in the pool, the heavily made-up shop assistant claims to have nearly drowned – twice! Move over Lazarus and make way for Tania.

Tania is, of course, alive – if applying make-up qualifies for a life.

She’s as alive as the entire show, which since the arrival of Gae has been given an injection of something approaching entertainment.

The most famous Ugandan in Britain is making friends with Nush in a manner that suggests things might happen.

Of course, things might not happen, and given time Gae may well find himself sucked into the vacuum of talent that allows Steph and Scott to exist, and Gos to be seen as an interesting character.

Let battle commence…

‘

Posted: 26th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Three Little Pigs

‘MISS Piggy, alias Fake Tan, aka the make-up artist formerly known as Tania, will not have to agonise any longer about whether to walk out of the Big Brother house – on Friday, the British public will surely make her choice for her.

Tania runs out of blusher

She is the hottest favourite yet for eviction with Ladbrokes quoting her at 1-3 for the boot, with other nominees Steph at 3-1 and Nush the outsider at 8-1.

”I don’t get it,” Tania said when the names were announced. Poor dear – she’s been in the house for almost five weeks and she still hasn’t worked out how the game works.

One person who won’t be sad to see Tania go is Gae. After managing to make the drama queen cry on Monday night by saying she ate like a pig, the newest housemate was given the silent treatment yesterday.

Meanwhile, Cameron’s going to come back from South Africa a very smelly boy at this rate, having missed the communal shower for the second day running.

Obviously, he is not packing much more in the trouser department than Fed, although he at least is likely to be spared a grilling on the subject from Davina McCall after her ‘winkle’ interview with the Italian Scot attracted a record number of complaints.

‘

Posted: 25th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Out Of Africa

‘BEFORE 31-year-old Gaetano arrived on these sun-drenched shores, few of us could have named a genuine Ugandan.

Gae decides whether to eat Gos or Tania first

Idi Amin was one, perhaps the only one from that troubled African land to have made it big on the international stage – and then it was for keeping his wife’s head in a fridge.

Which could make those of a geopolitical bent, like Scott, wonder what Gae (pronounced Guy) has done with dear old Cameron.

Perhaps it was for this reason what Gos, the quartermaster of the BB house, was first to greet the new arrival.

Of course, not all Ugandans like to keep their wife’s at a steady 5 degrees centigrade, and Gae seems a thoroughly decent sort of chap.

”First question – I need to take me a serious ass dump,” said Gae by way of a witty retort to Gos’s chirpy hello.

With no language barrier to get in the way – they all talk crap – Nush was left to ask Gae about the sexual goings-on is the African house.

”Oh yeah, definitely, sleeping together, everything. Thing is, [the African housemates] are not inhibited,” he replied.

Which explains why Cam was chosen to make the trip south…

‘

Posted: 24th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Out Of Africa

‘HAVING searched the whole of Britain for an interesting person willing to spend a few weeks in the Big Brother house, the show’s producers have clearly given up and have turned to a different continent for help.

Cameron denies that TV has changed him

Scottish prude Cameron is being sent off to South Africa to perv at the girls in that country’s version of the show, while a South African contestant will have to watch paint dry in the company of Tania, Nush, Gos, Ray et al.

Pity Gaetano Kagwa, the Ugandan student, who has been selected to replace the Orkneys fish trader and will enter the house this evening.

He has reportedly been enjoying a bit of jiggery and a lot of pokery with Abby in the South African version of the show, but is likely to find it a bit harder with Steph, Nush and Tania to choose from.

Meanwhile, no-one in the house has even noticed that Cameron has disappeared. Only about four hours after he disappeared into the diary room never to emerge did someone suggest that there was anything odd.

Let’s hope his arrival in the South African house makes a little bit more impact…

‘

Posted: 23rd, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Fake Tan

‘IT is hard to take anyone who has been out with Peter Andre seriously, but there is one person who seems to manage it – Tania herself.

Not-so-mysterious girl

The eyebrow-plucking shop assistant had another sense of humour failure last night after Cameron’s feeble attempt at banter went awry.

As six of the seven remaining inmates enjoyed a banquet meal in the reward room, the Scottish fish trader told off Tania for smoking at the table.

”This is a classy evening, not some old slapper do,” he said, much to Tania’s displeasure, although it was surely only the ‘old’ part of ‘old slapper’ that she could object to.

Earlier, Cameron had left Nush miffed after deciding that she should be the one to miss out on the banquet – and that could prove a bad tactical decision.

Up to now, Nush (together with Gos and Steph) has been one of Cameron’s allies, while Ray, Tania and Scott all nominated him for eviction last week. And now it’s odds on that old slapper Tania will do so again this week…

‘

Posted: 22nd, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Eviction Immunity

‘TENSE, isn’t it? Who will go? Who will stay? And that’s just the audience. What of the contestants, the three who are up for eviction?

”Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?”

The money must be on Fed and Cameron heading out of the Big Brother doors and into the flashlight.

Jon is immune from eviction. Like the relative who doesn’t ever leave but grows old and withered until nobody notices he’s there, Jon remains in situ.

He’s even managed to go into the Diary Room and moan about the furnishings. How about that ”ridiculously fluffy” carpet, eh?

”The positioning of some of the plants in the garden is awful,” says Jon. ”Quite why you planted in pots rather than just provide five tons of decent soil we’ll never know.”

But he’s only joking. Ha! Ha! Hale and Pace eat your hearts out. ”I am of course teasing you. I hope you realise that, because this is a wonderful place to live.”

And it will get even better as soon as Fed leaves…

‘

Posted: 20th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

The Appliance Of Science

‘THE three remaining girls seem to have decided that Mr Tickle, aka Jon The Physics Geek, is not so bad.

Mr Tickle

”I’ve warmed a lot to Jon, more so than I ever thought I would,” Steph said. ”And me,” agreed Tania. ”I think when he doesn’t get irate he’s lovely which is about 98% of the time,” said Nush.

Which would explain why Tania and Nush both nominated him for eviction – for the third time in four weeks. You’d hate to see what these girls are like if they really started to go off someone.

In fact, of the six housemates who nominated Science Boy for eviction last week, Steph is the only one who seems genuinely to have warmed to him and not put his name down again this week.

In fact, most of the housemates seem to be coming up with the same names over and over again – except Jon. His calculations have led him to pick six different names in seven goes (with Federico the only one to recur).

After all, he is, as he explained, ”a physicist and of no small intellect”.

‘

Posted: 19th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

A Time For Heroes

‘LIKE Bonnie Tyler, we are all holding out for a hero. ”Where have all the good men gone, and where are all the Gods?” was Bonnie’s burning question.

”Justice to the world, music to the world”

But we now know that she was mistaken, and she was really asking where the Gos was, the brave man who laughs in the face of chef’s arse and spits back at the deep-fat fryer.

And who thinks nothing of looking a total berk as he poses and struts as Hip Hop Man.

That this street stuff is not Gos’s natural habitat is patently clear. At the first time of asking he failed the Super Hero task miserably. So it was time for take two.

”Justice to the world, music to the world!” screamed Gos, his marigolds glinting in the light bouncing off his glasses.

But this week there will be two good men going – or, at least, two out of Jon, Cameron and Federico, all of whom have been nominated for eviction.

Given Jon’s mysterious popularity with the British public, it looks like it bye-bye to the Jocks.

‘

Posted: 18th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

One Plus One

‘EVEN Big Brother, it seems, is getting tired of the dismal housemates in this year’s show, deciding that this week not one, but two, of them will be thrown out.

”So you’re saying one plus one is what exactly?”

The inmates reacted to the news in typical fashion, with Tania quick to complain that it wasn’t fair – and then having to admit that she didn’t even understand what it meant.

The boys explained it to her in words of one syllable, before the penny finally dropped for the horse-faced shop assistant. ”Two housemates,” she exclaimed, having just performed a taxing piece of mental arithmetic.

It’s just as well that the dreadful Sissy is no longer in the house – she could burst into tears at the mere mention of the n-word; imagine how she’d have bawled to learn this news.

Meanwhile, the bunch of losers look set to fail another weekly task after Gos managed to misunderstand the instructions for the ‘superhero’ task.

Big Brother is trying to come up with easier tasks every week to prevent total starvation in the house, but the housemates’ incompetence is up to everything that has been thrown at them.

Watch them screw up the ‘tying your own shoelace’ task in Week 9 or the ‘reciting your own name’ in Week 10…

‘

Posted: 17th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Talking Shit

”’FOR this week’s task you must all create superhero alter egos for yourself,” said Cameron as he read aloud the week’s task. ”With a name, a costume, an arch-enemy, a motto, a special power, a superhero pose and a theme tune.”

By day, the housemates were as dull as dishwater. By night, they were just the same – only in spandex

Easy for Cameron, then – a nice pair of slacks, a few words about Mrs Slocombe’s pussy and a hands-on-hip stance will finally complete his transformation into John Inman.

Such imagination was sadly lacking from the rest: Ray pulled on a Batman-type costume; Federico dressed up as Toothpick Man, in a crimson all-in-one; Tania became Wonder Girl; Nush turned into Wet Weekend Woman; Gos became Oven Cleaner Man; Jon mutated into a Human; Steph took on the guise of Non-Entity Girl and Scott was – and is – Damon Grant.

Of course, only some of those alter egos are true, and in actual fact Nush had designs on a leopard-print costume and a role as a champion pooper scooper.

”If your dogs poop, I will scoop!” she cried. And with amount of crap on show, she’ll need to be super fit to keep up with things…

‘

Posted: 16th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Little And Large

‘FEDERICO – he can’t manage to pedal a pedalo properly, he can’t tell the difference between the Cub Scout promise and the Cub Scout law…and now we learn he has a tiny willy.

Fed explains why the show’s called Big Brother

Tania, who one suspects is no stranger to male genitalia, brought the subject up during a chat with her fellow girls yesterday – and Steph admitted that she had caught a peep of the object in question.

‘It’s dinky – teeny weeny,’ she confirmed, much to the delight of the other girls.

But if Fed is lacking in the trouser department, it seems that one of the other housemates is making up for him.

‘There’s someone in here,’ Tania confided in Nush, Steph and Sissy, ‘I’m not going to say it – but there’s someone here who’s hung, like in a major way.’

Who could it be? Could the girls work it out with only four guesses? Cameron? No. Jon? No. Scott? No. Gos? No. We give up, leaving the last word to Steph.

‘Anything’s bigger than Feddy’s little winky…’

‘

Posted: 13th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

For Whom The Bell Tolls

‘FAILURES. All of them. Every man and woman of them is a failure. Failures. For the third time of asking, the housemates have failed to pass their weekly task.

”Pull down your pants and fertilise the ants…”

The intention was to play an English Country Garden on hand bells. The first effort was rubbish. The second try was even worse. As we say, failures each and every one of them.

The latest failure means they are left with the sad sum of £32.55 to spend on shopping next week.

Starved of talent. Starved of charisma. Starved of decent conversation. The housemates are now starved of food.

But this is good news – at least for those who want something to happen.

The betting is that they will soon turn on each other, and then turn their slavering jaws on Gos. Being the fattest, he’ll be the first to go.

When he’s done – well done – the team can pick their teeth with Fed…

‘

Posted: 12th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Tears Before Bedtime

‘SISSY is a sensitive soul. When Nush told her off for using a teabag, she burst into tears. Nush was so upset that she had upset Sissy that she burst into tears. And that was enough to set Sissy off again.

Two housemates are already believed to have drowned in Sissy’s tears

So, when Sissy found out that she had been nominated for eviction this week, it was never a question of whether she would cry, but how many tears would fall.

Ray offered Sissy a shoulder to cry on, but very soon he was washed away in a tidal wave of self-pity.

The ginger Scouser has decided that there is a conspiracy against the girls and is sure that by the end of the week she will join Anoushka and the fat one who went last week on the outside.

”If you were a girl, you’d be scared,” she told Jon (who, together with Federico, is also up for the chop).

Scared maybe of house pervert Cameron, who once again managed to walk into the girls’ bedroom unannounced and caught Tania changing. Once may be an accident, Cameron, but every day…

‘

Posted: 11th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

To Diet For

‘If the housemates continue to fail their weekly tasks, the show might spawn a new spin-off. Oh, yes, dear Big Brother fan, the Big Brother diet is in it infancy.

Happy Nush

Scott, for one, hopes it will not get any further. He’s worried about the lack of booze in the diet and wants to have at least one good night on the beers.

It might yet happen, but our keep-fit instructor, Federico, is odds-on to scupper things. Sure as eggs are not part of the diet, Federico will fail to understand the most basic of rules and cost the group a chunk of their weekly budget.

Before long it’ll be like watching Tenko, with Gos as Major Yamauchi, and Nush as Mrs Dominica Van Meyer.

”You ladies want to eat, you have to earn your food,” Gos will say. ”Whatever you make us do, you will never break us,” says an indomitable Nush.

”Ring bells in succession and don’t mess up,” barks Gos. Federico laughs manically in the background before spitting in the communal pot of gruel.

‘

Posted: 10th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Jon’s Johnny

‘GIVEN that the muppet Federico is still in the house, you would have thought the housemates would be keen to bet the minimum 50% on their weekly task – a bell-ringing exercise.

Strange man seen in Big Brother house

But, for some reason trusting that the woeful Scot can’t mess it three times in a row, they have plumped for 65%, meaning that failure will leave them only 52p per person per day to live on.

”All it takes is one wrong bell,” observed Ray. And, if they want to eat like kings next week, they should bet 100% of their food budget that that wrong bell will be in the hands of…Federico.

Meanwhile, Tania has got the hump with Ray after he made a lewd suggestion to her. ”I’ve never been spoken to like that in my whole life,” she moaned. ”He made me feel like a whore.” Hardly – he didn’t even offer to pay.

Finally, even from outside the house, Justine is casting a suitably large shadow over proceedings.

Rivalling Jon’s decision to take condoms with him into the house for ‘wishful thinking’, she said: ”I think I will be missed.” Yeah – and Jon will get his leg over tonight…

‘

Posted: 9th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Oranges Not The Only Fruit

‘YOU can tell a lot about someone by the type of fruit they prefer. Eleven pieces of fruit were delivered to the starving housemates – one for each them.

A fine pear

Tania and Nush each chose a banana. You know what that means? That’s right, they like bananas. At least, they like bananas more than they like apples and oranges.

Or rather, they liked bananas more than they liked apples and oranges at that moment in time. At another time, in another place, Nush may just as easily go for an apple. She’s like that is Nush. All banana eaters are like that.

It’s not much of a revelation but, then, these housemates haven’t given us much to get our teeth into. Bananas is all they and we have.

It’s not known whether or not Jon and Justine prefer bananas over apples over oranges. We have never seen either of them eat fruit on camera – which is something of an oversight. But if we did, we’d know about it – and about them.

‘

Posted: 6th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Fed’s Dead

‘FEDERICO has now managed to mess up not one, but two of the weekly tasks – condemning the housemates to live on a diet of sawdust and broken glass for another seven days.

Fed’s a right tit; Tania checks for a left one

But will he own up? So far the puny little Scot has wrestled with his conscience and won – which doesn’t say much for the strength of his conscience.

Ray went absolutely ballistic when he found out that next week’s shopping budget would be £36.23 – enough only for a couple of large bottles of vodka and some sleeping pills.

How will he react when – and if – he finds out that it was his little buddy who screwed up for the second week running?

Meanwhile, Jon is becoming increasingly weird, telling housemates that he knew exactly how the world was formed, before adding: ”I’m trying to decide how God plays a role in today’s world.”

What of the girls? Well, judging by this week’s nominations, there is a high degree of female solidarity showing through. None of the girls voted for each other…except Tania – and she looks very much like the kind of girl who’s happily nick her best mate’s boyfriend.

‘

Posted: 5th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

A Dog’s Life

‘JON is a twin. Justine is also a twin. We are under the sign of Gemini. Can the fact that Jon and Justine are up for eviction be linked to the planets?

”And if I squeeze with a pressure equivalent to 2.3 Newtons…”

Perhaps yes. Perhaps no. Jon does have a hairy back – something not seen on TV since World of Sport and Dickie Davies took us wrestling.

And Justine is too fat to win. There are, of course, many cameras in the house and since we know that each camera puts on 10lbs in weight, it might be just plain unlucky that they are all pointing at Justine all the time.

So who will go and who will stay? The smart money says that Jon will remain in the house for far longer than his entertainment credentials merit.

Jon is a loser, a dog among underdogs, and that gives him a chance with the great British public. ”I’m sorry everybody,” said Jon apologetically. ”I’m sorry I’m really shit at this.”

Ah, poor Jon, he’s just an everyday loser – whereas, as we know, the rest of the gang are special cases.

‘

Posted: 4th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Be Prepared

‘THE housemates find out today which two are up for eviction, but not before there were more tears in the house.

Dib, dib, dib

”I don’t think I’d handle it and I don’t think I’d take it on the chin,” sobbed Sissy. ”I at least want to be here for four weeks.”

However, the girls’ task may have become easier after it was revealed that there was a phantom weer in the house.

Justine stormed out of the loo, reporting that the toilet seat was wet and sparking a major investigation to find the culprit.

The girls immediately ruled themselves out – ”Girls don’t do that,” said Steph – but the boys also denied being the ones with the bad aim.

However, the finger of suspicion points to Ray, who looked distinctly shifty as he issued his denial.

No wonder the Irishman is talking about quitting the house – he’s been dressed as a scout all day and now all this fuss over a wet toilet seat. He should take his toggle where it is more appreciated…

‘

Posted: 3rd, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Psycho Babble

‘LAST night we heard from the psychologists what the true characteristics of the Big Brother contestants are.

A vanity case

To keep the suspense at full grip, let us give you’re a profile of one of the housemates. Here goes.

This housemate is vain. This housemate thinks they will have a career in television – just as soon as they have won the BB popularity contest.

On the surface, this housemate thinks they are all right, nothing special. Deep down, this housemate is of the unshakeable belief that they are a star.

This housemate thinks they are undeniably fanciable. They can flirt like no other. They are sex on legs.

Any guesses? Go on, have a punt. Very good. You’re right. Well, you couldn’t really be wrong, unless you’d have said Jon, who probably has a deep-rooted God complex.

As for events, Sissy, the Annie-like Scouse, said she’d had a ”porn dream”. And so did Fed. Scott cooked dinner for everyone, and whipped Nush with a towel.

It’s heating up. Our money’s on the one with the fewest clothes on…

‘

Posted: 2nd, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Peddling Crap

‘KNOWING how awful and dull the pedalo challenge was, the producers of Big Brother asked the audience of Big Brother’s Little Brother to come up with ideas for other, better, team-building exercises.

Nush hears the bad news – there’s another two months to go

The high quality of suggestions – learn five yo-yo tricks; keep a slave; assemble flat-packed furniture – told we the audience one thing: being a TV creative type is as easy as, well, pedalling a pedalo.

Sadly, that task proved a bridge too far for Federico, who proved that models have brains to boast of by failing to understand the most basic of rules. Having been told not to leave the pedalo, he left the pedalo – to get a piece of gum.

For his sins, Federico was allowed to live in the house for a while longer. But he was sorry. ”I’m really sorry,” said the Scot. ”It was negligence and I shouldn’t have done it.”

Quite. But he’s no more to blame for failure than the fool who thought up the test. Can it get any worse?

‘

Posted: 29th, May 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Big Borer

‘THIS series of Big Brother is shaping up to be as boring as the ridiculous pedalo task the housemates have been forced to take on.

Jon tries to calculate what percentage of Anoushka’s boob he can see

A couple of days ago, Sissy actually started crying because she didn’t want to nominate any of her fellow inmates. What someone’s forgotten to explain to this lot of no-marks is that this is actually a game – and the object is to win.

Fat Gos and surly Tania have signed a mutual appreciation pact. ”I’d be happy if you win Big Brother, mate, then you could really take me out!” the chef served up for a starter. ”I think you’re wicked. You make me laugh,” was Tania’s main course.

And – for a particularly sugary and sticky dessert, Gos turned to the rest of the dire dozen and said: ”I think you’re all great people, such wicked people to get on with, it’s fantastic.”

Today is Steph’s birthday and we can only hope that a bit of booze destroys the peace in the house. Otherwise, it’s going to be a very long two and a half months…

‘

Posted: 28th, May 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Great Scott

‘OK, you’ve backed us into a corner and we’ve had to pick our winner at these early doors stages. And the winner is…Scott.

”I’ve always dreamt of being a Data Strategy Manager”

Or is it Damon Grant, the Scouse star of yesteryear Brookside who ran off to York with Debbie only to be stabbed to death on his canal boat? If it is, then he’s a shoo-in. Sit back and watch him fly.

But we have to wait for Scott to be the nation’s favourite and, while we do, we have been invited to look at Ray’s toes.

Ray is the one who looks like self-loathing Jon and has bad feet – at least that’s what Anouska thinks. ”Oh my god, they are minging!” said Anouska. ”They’re manky, man.”

The annoying Manc then offered to paint the nails chocolate brown. Ray declined.

Earlier Nush, the blonde string of water, thought it would be a good idea to become a hairdresser. After all, hairdressers have a personality – usually.

”Please don’t fear change – you’ll grow spiritually and mentally,” said Nush to Cameron’s head.

And it’s advice Nush should heed, because it can’t be too many weeks before she’s making a change of her own – at Reading for the train back to where ever she comes from.

‘

Posted: 27th, May 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

For Death And Vainglory

‘AT the time of writing next to nothing is know about the twelve wannabes and never-will-bes that will be screaming at other in the Big Brother household over the coming weeks.

Back by popular demand- the Channel 4 interactive test card

What little we do know can be best gleaned from past shows. So look out for a gay white man who’s not as good looking as he should be; a vain black man; an utter cow with a strong regional accent and assorted show-offs and big-shots.

Just as easy to spot will be the ubiquitous Davina McCall, who gets to appear before any of the contestants on Big Brother: Live Launch Show (C4 8:30).

For an hour, Davina will shriek her head off as the dirty dozen are introduced to the world one by one. The crowd will then go potty and, who knows, perhaps even hold up a banner.

The intro will at least provide us with some easy meat for snide comments and cruel intentions, and give V Graham Norton (C 4 10:05) some new material.

After Graham’s taken the rise, it’s back to the Big Brother house for some live updates, as the new goldfish get used to their surroundings.

And then it’s so much drinking, smoking and moaning. And what goes for the watching millions goes for the contestants, too.

‘

Posted: 23rd, May 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Senor Hitler, I Presume

‘THE laws of probability have never mattered much to conspiracy theorists.

Peruvian farmer Miguel De Las Reyas

They want to believe that successive moon landings were faked, that JFK was assassinated by the CIA, that Princess Diana was bumped off by MI5 and that Adolf Hitler didn’t die in a Berlin bunker at the end of World War II.

Do they not find it amazing that no plausible witness has ever come forward during the intervening years to confirm the theory?

After all, organisations struggle to keep a secret from one day to the next – and think of the money one of the Apollo astronauts could make by confessing that he had never stepped foot on the moon.

But conspiracy theories do serve one purpose – they support a whole industry of books, films and TV documentaries, such as Channel 4’s Secret History tonight, Hitler Of The Andes.

The hour-long documentary investigates claims that Hitler faked his own death and fled to South America, where legendary FBI director J Edgar Hoover apparently spent 11 years trying to track him down.

‘

Posted: 22nd, May 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment