Celebrities | Anorak - Part 416

Celebrities Category

Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.

Sting Ray

‘RAY’S elevation to head of the Big Brother house is good news for one housemate – Scott. He has never been nominated by the Irishman and, unless there is a dramatic falling-out, is likely to escape the chop again this week.

Pub bores

One of Ray’s duties as head of house is to choose three housemates for eviction.

He nominated Nush last week, Steph the week before and Cameron for the two weeks prior to that, it seems likely that two of them at least could be up for the public vote.

Yesterday, five of the remaining six housemates were able to enjoy the use of an Irish themed pub as, with the exception of Cameron, they spent the day nipping in and out of the reward room.

The pub will even stay open until midnight every night until Wednesday – more generous licensing hours than on the outside.

With no Gos anymore to cook the food, we foresee a liquid diet for the next couple of days.

Posted: 7th, July 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Thank You And Goodnight

‘JULY 4th! Hurray for Independence Day. Today we will be rid of one of Gos, Nush or Ray.

Lisa’s impression of a wet lettuce was frighteningly accurate

We will, however, be left with the rest. Although Lisa thinks she could stand in for all of them.

‘You’ve all got your own really sweet little traits,’ said Lisa. ‘I can mimic all of you and I think it’s hysterical.’

Given that the group have few visible signs of life, Lisa must have a sharp eye for an impression.

But Lisa, as we say, is a self-proclaimed great mimic, and she wanted to prove it.

So she did an impression of each one of her housemates, an imitation that went as far as their accents and no further.

Were these bad impressions? Or were Lisa’s takes gems of wry comedy in which the Welsh lass Lisa distilled the only essential difference between each housemate into a stereotypical accent.

We are not sure. But there’s lovely, Lisa. Diolch Yn Fawr and Bore Da.

Posted: 4th, July 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Eviction Conviction

‘THE housemates may have been told off for giving trivial reasons for their nominations, but it’s clear that feelings run a bit deeper than how much tomato sauce each person squeezes on their dinner.

Lisa and friends

Gos, Nush and Steph all chose exactly the same combination of housemates for eviction as last week – and Cameron and Scott probably both would have done had last week’s pick Tania not already got the boot.

With Cameron and Lisa immune from eviction this week, Scott has emerged as the big winner – for the first time this week, he didn’t attract a single vote. And that is bad news for Steph, who is Scott’s bete noire. He has nominated her in four of the last five weeks.

As for Lisa, she is proving as popular with the fellow housemates as a bacon sandwich at a bar mitzvah – especially after blaming them for getting her into trouble with Big Brother.

‘I could have kicked her backside and told her to shut up,’ said Cameron, who instead contented himself with bitching about her to the others.

Bet on Lisa getting the bullet next week at the first time of asking.

Posted: 3rd, July 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Ray Of Hope

‘NOMINATIONS. Nominations. Nominations. So good they named them thrice. The three no-marks up for eviction this week are Gos, Nush and Ray.

Another gripping Big Brother moment

It’s a tough job choosing which housemate to nominate. What with Steph and Scott’s invisibility, even spotting who is left in the house is a job rife with problems.

And now for the really odd bit – Ray is delighted to be up for eviction. ‘Davina will be calling out my name. My family and friends will be coming down on Friday. Excellent,’ he screamed.

Let us not forget that this is a competition. The best loved or most tolerable competitor is to be given £70,000 and the chance to dine out on the title for months.

So why is Ray, like Tania and Federico before him, so keen to leave? And listen to Gos. ‘I’ve got a big smile on my face,’ he said upon hearing his name read aloud.

The rats are keen to leave the sinking ship. But the treasure will not go down with the boat. Someone has to win the star prize.

And the big prize, despite the best protestations of Ray and Gos, is not the chance to be called unpopular and to make the walk of shame. It’s hard cash.

Or easy money, if you will…

Posted: 2nd, July 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

A Damp Squib

‘THE arrival of new housemate Lisa to shake up the Big Brother house has had all the effect of striking a match underwater.

‘You’d better run, you’d better take cover’

‘I’m as mad as a hatter,’ she told Steph as they listened to passing planes in the garden. ‘I’m a lot more bubbly than any of you have seen.’

Having failed to impress Steph, she tried Scott. ‘I bet you think I’m mad, don’t you?’ she asked after professing to possess psychic powers. ‘No,’ he replied – as she no doubt already knew he would.

In fact, the only horseplay going on in the house comes courtesy of the housemates’ latest task which involves them learning how to tack a horse and completing a show-jumping course.

While Anouska, the only British housemate with a semblance of a personality, is on her way Down Under to liven up the Big Brother Australia house, we get the human equivalent of a tin of slow-drying paint.

But we can report the sensational news that the housemates enjoyed cottage pie for dinner last night…

Posted: 1st, July 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Fresh Blood

‘GIVEN the absurd comings and goings in the Big Brother house, you half expect Federico to emerge from the shower to tell Nush and Steph that it has all been a terrible dream.

Man about the house

The level of desperation that drove the show’s producer to export Cameron and then, sadly, bring him back again, has now created a new housemate from thin air.

Step forward, Welsh lass, Lisa.

Thinking how Lisa must have known for some time that she would one-day enter the house, you’d expect her to have been an avid viewer. Think again.

”You have no idea how bizarre this feels,” said Lisa to her new mates after few glasses of plonk. ”I have been sort of watching.”

”Sort of watching”! Like ”sort of” being interested. Like ”sort of” but not really. This is tragic stuff.

It’s high time someone sorted this lot out. Bring in the squatters…

Posted: 30th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Walking Back To Happiness

‘TANIA was out-of-sorts yesterday – she must have broken a fingernail or run out of blusher – and she has decided that she wants to leave the Big Brother house tonight.

With so much heavy make-up, Tania was worried that her head would soon fall off

Her wish is almost certain to come true, with the British public (or, at least, that proportion of the British public who have not fallen into a zombie-like trance watching the show) expected to vote for her in record numbers.

”I feel like I don’t fit in any more,” the shop assistant said. ”I feel like I want to hear my name tomorrow. I feel I have to exaggerate me, exaggerate Tania, for anyone to pay attention. And I hate that. That makes me sick.”

What could she mean? Could this be the reason why she plucks her eyebrows 176 times a day and spends 90% of her waking hours applying make-up?

She’s even managed to bore herself, pleading with a camera in the girls’ bedroom to leave her alone. ”Don’t look at me cos I’m boring, okay,” she snapped. Don’t worry, love – most of us stopped looking about five weeks ago.

Gae must be counting his lucky stars as he flies back to South Africa…

Posted: 27th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Back From The Dead

‘TANIA might yet evade the walk of shame and eviction by slipping out of the house in an ambulance.

Tania almost bores herself to death

Mucking about in the pool, the heavily made-up shop assistant claims to have nearly drowned – twice! Move over Lazarus and make way for Tania.

Tania is, of course, alive – if applying make-up qualifies for a life.

She’s as alive as the entire show, which since the arrival of Gae has been given an injection of something approaching entertainment.

The most famous Ugandan in Britain is making friends with Nush in a manner that suggests things might happen.

Of course, things might not happen, and given time Gae may well find himself sucked into the vacuum of talent that allows Steph and Scott to exist, and Gos to be seen as an interesting character.

Let battle commence…

Posted: 26th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Three Little Pigs

‘MISS Piggy, alias Fake Tan, aka the make-up artist formerly known as Tania, will not have to agonise any longer about whether to walk out of the Big Brother house – on Friday, the British public will surely make her choice for her.

Tania runs out of blusher

She is the hottest favourite yet for eviction with Ladbrokes quoting her at 1-3 for the boot, with other nominees Steph at 3-1 and Nush the outsider at 8-1.

”I don’t get it,” Tania said when the names were announced. Poor dear – she’s been in the house for almost five weeks and she still hasn’t worked out how the game works.

One person who won’t be sad to see Tania go is Gae. After managing to make the drama queen cry on Monday night by saying she ate like a pig, the newest housemate was given the silent treatment yesterday.

Meanwhile, Cameron’s going to come back from South Africa a very smelly boy at this rate, having missed the communal shower for the second day running.

Obviously, he is not packing much more in the trouser department than Fed, although he at least is likely to be spared a grilling on the subject from Davina McCall after her ‘winkle’ interview with the Italian Scot attracted a record number of complaints.

Posted: 25th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Out Of Africa

‘BEFORE 31-year-old Gaetano arrived on these sun-drenched shores, few of us could have named a genuine Ugandan.

Gae decides whether to eat Gos or Tania first

Idi Amin was one, perhaps the only one from that troubled African land to have made it big on the international stage – and then it was for keeping his wife’s head in a fridge.

Which could make those of a geopolitical bent, like Scott, wonder what Gae (pronounced Guy) has done with dear old Cameron.

Perhaps it was for this reason what Gos, the quartermaster of the BB house, was first to greet the new arrival.

Of course, not all Ugandans like to keep their wife’s at a steady 5 degrees centigrade, and Gae seems a thoroughly decent sort of chap.

”First question – I need to take me a serious ass dump,” said Gae by way of a witty retort to Gos’s chirpy hello.

With no language barrier to get in the way – they all talk crap – Nush was left to ask Gae about the sexual goings-on is the African house.

”Oh yeah, definitely, sleeping together, everything. Thing is, [the African housemates] are not inhibited,” he replied.

Which explains why Cam was chosen to make the trip south…

Posted: 24th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Out Of Africa

‘HAVING searched the whole of Britain for an interesting person willing to spend a few weeks in the Big Brother house, the show’s producers have clearly given up and have turned to a different continent for help.

Cameron denies that TV has changed him

Scottish prude Cameron is being sent off to South Africa to perv at the girls in that country’s version of the show, while a South African contestant will have to watch paint dry in the company of Tania, Nush, Gos, Ray et al.

Pity Gaetano Kagwa, the Ugandan student, who has been selected to replace the Orkneys fish trader and will enter the house this evening.

He has reportedly been enjoying a bit of jiggery and a lot of pokery with Abby in the South African version of the show, but is likely to find it a bit harder with Steph, Nush and Tania to choose from.

Meanwhile, no-one in the house has even noticed that Cameron has disappeared. Only about four hours after he disappeared into the diary room never to emerge did someone suggest that there was anything odd.

Let’s hope his arrival in the South African house makes a little bit more impact…

Posted: 23rd, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Fake Tan

‘IT is hard to take anyone who has been out with Peter Andre seriously, but there is one person who seems to manage it – Tania herself.

Not-so-mysterious girl

The eyebrow-plucking shop assistant had another sense of humour failure last night after Cameron’s feeble attempt at banter went awry.

As six of the seven remaining inmates enjoyed a banquet meal in the reward room, the Scottish fish trader told off Tania for smoking at the table.

”This is a classy evening, not some old slapper do,” he said, much to Tania’s displeasure, although it was surely only the ‘old’ part of ‘old slapper’ that she could object to.

Earlier, Cameron had left Nush miffed after deciding that she should be the one to miss out on the banquet – and that could prove a bad tactical decision.

Up to now, Nush (together with Gos and Steph) has been one of Cameron’s allies, while Ray, Tania and Scott all nominated him for eviction last week. And now it’s odds on that old slapper Tania will do so again this week…

Posted: 22nd, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Eviction Immunity

‘TENSE, isn’t it? Who will go? Who will stay? And that’s just the audience. What of the contestants, the three who are up for eviction?

”Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?”

The money must be on Fed and Cameron heading out of the Big Brother doors and into the flashlight.

Jon is immune from eviction. Like the relative who doesn’t ever leave but grows old and withered until nobody notices he’s there, Jon remains in situ.

He’s even managed to go into the Diary Room and moan about the furnishings. How about that ”ridiculously fluffy” carpet, eh?

”The positioning of some of the plants in the garden is awful,” says Jon. ”Quite why you planted in pots rather than just provide five tons of decent soil we’ll never know.”

But he’s only joking. Ha! Ha! Hale and Pace eat your hearts out. ”I am of course teasing you. I hope you realise that, because this is a wonderful place to live.”

And it will get even better as soon as Fed leaves…

Posted: 20th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

The Appliance Of Science

‘THE three remaining girls seem to have decided that Mr Tickle, aka Jon The Physics Geek, is not so bad.

Mr Tickle

”I’ve warmed a lot to Jon, more so than I ever thought I would,” Steph said. ”And me,” agreed Tania. ”I think when he doesn’t get irate he’s lovely which is about 98% of the time,” said Nush.

Which would explain why Tania and Nush both nominated him for eviction – for the third time in four weeks. You’d hate to see what these girls are like if they really started to go off someone.

In fact, of the six housemates who nominated Science Boy for eviction last week, Steph is the only one who seems genuinely to have warmed to him and not put his name down again this week.

In fact, most of the housemates seem to be coming up with the same names over and over again – except Jon. His calculations have led him to pick six different names in seven goes (with Federico the only one to recur).

After all, he is, as he explained, ”a physicist and of no small intellect”.

Posted: 19th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

A Time For Heroes

‘LIKE Bonnie Tyler, we are all holding out for a hero. ”Where have all the good men gone, and where are all the Gods?” was Bonnie’s burning question.

”Justice to the world, music to the world”

But we now know that she was mistaken, and she was really asking where the Gos was, the brave man who laughs in the face of chef’s arse and spits back at the deep-fat fryer.

And who thinks nothing of looking a total berk as he poses and struts as Hip Hop Man.

That this street stuff is not Gos’s natural habitat is patently clear. At the first time of asking he failed the Super Hero task miserably. So it was time for take two.

”Justice to the world, music to the world!” screamed Gos, his marigolds glinting in the light bouncing off his glasses.

But this week there will be two good men going – or, at least, two out of Jon, Cameron and Federico, all of whom have been nominated for eviction.

Given Jon’s mysterious popularity with the British public, it looks like it bye-bye to the Jocks.

Posted: 18th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

One Plus One

‘EVEN Big Brother, it seems, is getting tired of the dismal housemates in this year’s show, deciding that this week not one, but two, of them will be thrown out.

”So you’re saying one plus one is what exactly?”

The inmates reacted to the news in typical fashion, with Tania quick to complain that it wasn’t fair – and then having to admit that she didn’t even understand what it meant.

The boys explained it to her in words of one syllable, before the penny finally dropped for the horse-faced shop assistant. ”Two housemates,” she exclaimed, having just performed a taxing piece of mental arithmetic.

It’s just as well that the dreadful Sissy is no longer in the house – she could burst into tears at the mere mention of the n-word; imagine how she’d have bawled to learn this news.

Meanwhile, the bunch of losers look set to fail another weekly task after Gos managed to misunderstand the instructions for the ‘superhero’ task.

Big Brother is trying to come up with easier tasks every week to prevent total starvation in the house, but the housemates’ incompetence is up to everything that has been thrown at them.

Watch them screw up the ‘tying your own shoelace’ task in Week 9 or the ‘reciting your own name’ in Week 10…

Posted: 17th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Talking Shit

”’FOR this week’s task you must all create superhero alter egos for yourself,” said Cameron as he read aloud the week’s task. ”With a name, a costume, an arch-enemy, a motto, a special power, a superhero pose and a theme tune.”

By day, the housemates were as dull as dishwater. By night, they were just the same – only in spandex

Easy for Cameron, then – a nice pair of slacks, a few words about Mrs Slocombe’s pussy and a hands-on-hip stance will finally complete his transformation into John Inman.

Such imagination was sadly lacking from the rest: Ray pulled on a Batman-type costume; Federico dressed up as Toothpick Man, in a crimson all-in-one; Tania became Wonder Girl; Nush turned into Wet Weekend Woman; Gos became Oven Cleaner Man; Jon mutated into a Human; Steph took on the guise of Non-Entity Girl and Scott was – and is – Damon Grant.

Of course, only some of those alter egos are true, and in actual fact Nush had designs on a leopard-print costume and a role as a champion pooper scooper.

”If your dogs poop, I will scoop!” she cried. And with amount of crap on show, she’ll need to be super fit to keep up with things…

Posted: 16th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Little And Large

‘FEDERICO – he can’t manage to pedal a pedalo properly, he can’t tell the difference between the Cub Scout promise and the Cub Scout law…and now we learn he has a tiny willy.

Fed explains why the show’s called Big Brother

Tania, who one suspects is no stranger to male genitalia, brought the subject up during a chat with her fellow girls yesterday – and Steph admitted that she had caught a peep of the object in question.

‘It’s dinky – teeny weeny,’ she confirmed, much to the delight of the other girls.

But if Fed is lacking in the trouser department, it seems that one of the other housemates is making up for him.

‘There’s someone in here,’ Tania confided in Nush, Steph and Sissy, ‘I’m not going to say it – but there’s someone here who’s hung, like in a major way.’

Who could it be? Could the girls work it out with only four guesses? Cameron? No. Jon? No. Scott? No. Gos? No. We give up, leaving the last word to Steph.

‘Anything’s bigger than Feddy’s little winky…’

Posted: 13th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

For Whom The Bell Tolls

‘FAILURES. All of them. Every man and woman of them is a failure. Failures. For the third time of asking, the housemates have failed to pass their weekly task.

”Pull down your pants and fertilise the ants…”

The intention was to play an English Country Garden on hand bells. The first effort was rubbish. The second try was even worse. As we say, failures each and every one of them.

The latest failure means they are left with the sad sum of £32.55 to spend on shopping next week.

Starved of talent. Starved of charisma. Starved of decent conversation. The housemates are now starved of food.

But this is good news – at least for those who want something to happen.

The betting is that they will soon turn on each other, and then turn their slavering jaws on Gos. Being the fattest, he’ll be the first to go.

When he’s done – well done – the team can pick their teeth with Fed…

Posted: 12th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Tears Before Bedtime

‘SISSY is a sensitive soul. When Nush told her off for using a teabag, she burst into tears. Nush was so upset that she had upset Sissy that she burst into tears. And that was enough to set Sissy off again.

Two housemates are already believed to have drowned in Sissy’s tears

So, when Sissy found out that she had been nominated for eviction this week, it was never a question of whether she would cry, but how many tears would fall.

Ray offered Sissy a shoulder to cry on, but very soon he was washed away in a tidal wave of self-pity.

The ginger Scouser has decided that there is a conspiracy against the girls and is sure that by the end of the week she will join Anoushka and the fat one who went last week on the outside.

”If you were a girl, you’d be scared,” she told Jon (who, together with Federico, is also up for the chop).

Scared maybe of house pervert Cameron, who once again managed to walk into the girls’ bedroom unannounced and caught Tania changing. Once may be an accident, Cameron, but every day…

Posted: 11th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

To Diet For

‘If the housemates continue to fail their weekly tasks, the show might spawn a new spin-off. Oh, yes, dear Big Brother fan, the Big Brother diet is in it infancy.

Happy Nush

Scott, for one, hopes it will not get any further. He’s worried about the lack of booze in the diet and wants to have at least one good night on the beers.

It might yet happen, but our keep-fit instructor, Federico, is odds-on to scupper things. Sure as eggs are not part of the diet, Federico will fail to understand the most basic of rules and cost the group a chunk of their weekly budget.

Before long it’ll be like watching Tenko, with Gos as Major Yamauchi, and Nush as Mrs Dominica Van Meyer.

”You ladies want to eat, you have to earn your food,” Gos will say. ”Whatever you make us do, you will never break us,” says an indomitable Nush.

”Ring bells in succession and don’t mess up,” barks Gos. Federico laughs manically in the background before spitting in the communal pot of gruel.

Posted: 10th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Jon’s Johnny

‘GIVEN that the muppet Federico is still in the house, you would have thought the housemates would be keen to bet the minimum 50% on their weekly task – a bell-ringing exercise.

Strange man seen in Big Brother house

But, for some reason trusting that the woeful Scot can’t mess it three times in a row, they have plumped for 65%, meaning that failure will leave them only 52p per person per day to live on.

”All it takes is one wrong bell,” observed Ray. And, if they want to eat like kings next week, they should bet 100% of their food budget that that wrong bell will be in the hands of…Federico.

Meanwhile, Tania has got the hump with Ray after he made a lewd suggestion to her. ”I’ve never been spoken to like that in my whole life,” she moaned. ”He made me feel like a whore.” Hardly – he didn’t even offer to pay.

Finally, even from outside the house, Justine is casting a suitably large shadow over proceedings.

Rivalling Jon’s decision to take condoms with him into the house for ‘wishful thinking’, she said: ”I think I will be missed.” Yeah – and Jon will get his leg over tonight…

Posted: 9th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Oranges Not The Only Fruit

‘YOU can tell a lot about someone by the type of fruit they prefer. Eleven pieces of fruit were delivered to the starving housemates – one for each them.

A fine pear

Tania and Nush each chose a banana. You know what that means? That’s right, they like bananas. At least, they like bananas more than they like apples and oranges.

Or rather, they liked bananas more than they liked apples and oranges at that moment in time. At another time, in another place, Nush may just as easily go for an apple. She’s like that is Nush. All banana eaters are like that.

It’s not much of a revelation but, then, these housemates haven’t given us much to get our teeth into. Bananas is all they and we have.

It’s not known whether or not Jon and Justine prefer bananas over apples over oranges. We have never seen either of them eat fruit on camera – which is something of an oversight. But if we did, we’d know about it – and about them.

Posted: 6th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Fed’s Dead

‘FEDERICO has now managed to mess up not one, but two of the weekly tasks – condemning the housemates to live on a diet of sawdust and broken glass for another seven days.

Fed’s a right tit; Tania checks for a left one

But will he own up? So far the puny little Scot has wrestled with his conscience and won – which doesn’t say much for the strength of his conscience.

Ray went absolutely ballistic when he found out that next week’s shopping budget would be £36.23 – enough only for a couple of large bottles of vodka and some sleeping pills.

How will he react when – and if – he finds out that it was his little buddy who screwed up for the second week running?

Meanwhile, Jon is becoming increasingly weird, telling housemates that he knew exactly how the world was formed, before adding: ”I’m trying to decide how God plays a role in today’s world.”

What of the girls? Well, judging by this week’s nominations, there is a high degree of female solidarity showing through. None of the girls voted for each other…except Tania – and she looks very much like the kind of girl who’s happily nick her best mate’s boyfriend.

Posted: 5th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

A Dog’s Life

‘JON is a twin. Justine is also a twin. We are under the sign of Gemini. Can the fact that Jon and Justine are up for eviction be linked to the planets?

”And if I squeeze with a pressure equivalent to 2.3 Newtons…”

Perhaps yes. Perhaps no. Jon does have a hairy back – something not seen on TV since World of Sport and Dickie Davies took us wrestling.

And Justine is too fat to win. There are, of course, many cameras in the house and since we know that each camera puts on 10lbs in weight, it might be just plain unlucky that they are all pointing at Justine all the time.

So who will go and who will stay? The smart money says that Jon will remain in the house for far longer than his entertainment credentials merit.

Jon is a loser, a dog among underdogs, and that gives him a chance with the great British public. ”I’m sorry everybody,” said Jon apologetically. ”I’m sorry I’m really shit at this.”

Ah, poor Jon, he’s just an everyday loser – whereas, as we know, the rest of the gang are special cases.

Posted: 4th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment