Celebrities | Anorak - Part 419

Celebrities Category

Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.

Horny As Helga

”OH my god!’ shouted Kate for the 7,945th time. ‘I’m naked!!’ Well knock me down wiv a fevver.

Jade: Piggin’ gorgeous

The gang were in fine form, as they drank for five-and-a-half hours, as the narrator informed us with his customary accuracy.

It was the day of the 1970s disco, and they had been given a selection of what the BB generation like to think of as Seventies attire. Soon the screen blurred as a parade of fluorescent orange and lime green flashed up.

Jade became something even more scary – Horny Helga. She leered into the BB camera and chanted her new name. A nation urinated in terror. ‘It’s a JOKE,’ she screeched. ‘I don’t look like a porn star!’ A million porn stars nodded in agreement.

But it all ended in tears. ‘I’m not happy about this at all,’ Jade told Kate, again and again. ‘You’ve been talking to Alex about myself!’

Alex was summonsed, but he wasn’t in the mood. ‘If I never see you again, it’ll be far too soon,’ he told Jade, who welled-up and went blubbing to Jonny and Kate, who she had insulted only minutes before.

This isn’t car-crash TV, it’s Potter’s Bar.

Posted: 19th, July 2002 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Tim’s Up

”I’D pull me pants down and have a piss in the corner!’ declared Jade, during a typically refined mealtime conversation in the house of Big Brother.

‘If, like me, you fancy me now, you should see me in my glasses,’ says Tim

But others had more important things to think about. Alex and Tim are both up for eviction. The two of them had a heart-to-heart. ‘Oh Tim!’ sighed Alex, after they had discussed their predicament. ‘Oh Alex!’ replied Tim.

Tim is angry because he is being ‘discriminated’ against. Not by the newspapers, who are sharpening their knives for the moment he is expelled from the house, but from Big Brother herself.

‘The fact is, I wear contact lenses,’ he whined in reply to the faceless female voice of BB. ‘Comprendez?!’ He is angry because, although he had taken his contact lenses out in the ‘dorm’, he was still expected to get up and do games (ie, roller disco) in the middle of the night,

Alex is simply losing the will to live – or rather, the peculiar approximation of living that the BB house encourages. ‘I’m just not doing myself any favours,’ he concluded. ‘It would be completely different if different people were in here…’

It would indeed, Alex. It would indeed.

Posted: 18th, July 2002 | In: Celebrities | Comment