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Moped prang gives man nine-day erection

Erection score hardness

The 35-year-old British man was riding a moped when he crashed. Injuries to his genitals caused a ‘Grade IV’ erection that lasted for nine days – who knew these things were graded? Well, the knob-ometer is officially called the ‘Erection Hardness Score’ and it goes thus:

  • Erection Hardness Score (0-4)

0 – Penis does not enlarge.

· 1 – Penis is larger, but not hard.

· 2 – Penis is hard, but not hard enough for penetration.

· 3 – Penis is hard enough for penetration, but not completely hard.

· 4 – Penis is completely hard and fully rigid.

The man was not overly affected by his persistent boner and complained only of “difficulty in walking”. But once his moped is back from the garage, that should be less of an issue.

Like his ride, he’s now ok.

Spotter: The Journal of Case Reports in Urology.

Posted: 17th, July 2019 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comment


Annette Messager turned dead sparrows into art

Annette Messager sparrows

In 1971, Annette Messager was invited to participate in a show at Galerie Germain in Paris. She should come up with something to do with wool. She made a lamb’s wool jumper for a dead sparrow.

I found my voice as an artist when I stepped on a dead sparrow on a street in Paris in 1971. I didn’t know why, but I was sure this sparrow was important because it was something very fragile that was near me and my life. Like the people I love, these small birds were always around me, yet they remained strange and mysterious. So I picked up the sparrow, took it home and knit a wool wrap for it. Why? I can’t say. You want to do something and don’t know why – all you know is that you have no choice, that it’s a necessity.”

One dead sparrow in a hand-knitted jumper became part of a collection that the finder and artist Annette Messager in 1972 called ‘Les Pensionnaires’ (‘The Residents’).

Spotter: Flashbak

Posted: 17th, July 2019 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True, The Consumer | Comment


Greed over glory: Arsenal fans send desperate letter to their disinterested owner

How can Arsenal get themselves out of the mess created by greed, laziness and a culture of failure? Chief contract negotiator Huss Fahmy is fighting firs, doing his best to correct the disaster of Ivan Gazidis and Dick Law’s work that saw Aaron Ramsey, Jack Wilshere and Danny Welbeck leave for nothing and Mesut Ozil offered the absurd sum of £350,000 a week to stay.

Unai Emery’s squad is a strange collection of journeymen, overpaid plodders, two top strikers and talented youngsters. Can Edu, the new technical director, and Freddie Ljungberg, now promoted to assistant to coach Emery, restore some swagger and purpose to a moribund team? Can they help Emery, who desperately needs it? When Arsenal needed reinforcements at the back, Emery pushed the board to recruit the dire Denis Suarez in January. Is he up to the task?

The fans are restless. Leading Arsenal fans’ groups have written a letter asking owner Stan Kroenke, to “reinvigorate” the club.

As Arsenal fans we have watched with frustration as the team’s football performances have declined over the past decade,’’ they argue. “When Stan Kroenke began buying Arsenal shares the club had just competed in a first Champions League final [in 2006]. Twelve years on, Arsenal are about to play in the Europa League for the third year running. Off the pitch, fans have never felt more marginalised, less listened to or valued. This was sadly illustrated when Stan Kroenke forcibly bought out the last remaining supporter-shareholders without even a word of appreciation for their custodianship role in the club. It feels as though Arsenal is at a crossroads. Things need to change…

“…our club feels like an investment vehicle. It is sad that an institution like Arsenal has such passive ownership. All of us want to see a clear sense of purpose and direction. KSE should start by being more open and accountable and explain how they intend to achieve the goal of winning the game’s major trophies…

“On a matchday the Emirates Stadium can be a soulless place. The atmosphere is poor and there are thousands of empty seats blighting almost every game. If Arsenal really cared they would make sure seats weren’t left empty by investing in an improved ticketing system and actively supporting initiatives like safe standing. The club uses the strapline: ‘Always ahead of the game’. It would be good to see action to demonstrate this.”

An absentee owner bodes badly for Arsenal. It is an investment for him and nothing more. Kroenke won’t take a gamble and invest in players in the hope of success. He’ll tick along and collect his dividends. Greed not glory is the Arsenal way. But at east one thing won’t change: at season ticket renewal time Arsenal will be linked with a big money buy.

Posted: 15th, July 2019 | In: Arsenal, Key Posts, Sports | Comment


Nass Festival : rip-off travel and bonkers sex advice

The NASS Festival has been exciting Somerset locals. Sited at the Bath Show Ground around 6 miles from Castle Carey mainline train station, music fans arriving by rail can catch a coach to take them to the venue for £6 return. That’s on top of the cost of the festival ticket. Why the extra charge? The shuttle buses should be free.

On Thursday people getting off the train were stood in a queue waiting for one of the buses. Many waited well over an hour. It was hot. The police handed out bottled water. Understandably some decided to walk the 6 miles. Cue much moaning in the local newspaper about youths slowing down traffic and asking for lifts.

Nass treats customers as fools. Doubt that? Get a load of some of the advice on its website.

Please DO NOT WALK in the road. Help us keep you safe. Hop on a bus. #NASSSafe

If you opt to walk you have to walk in the road. It’s all road. There is no pavement. Nass knows this. Nass should make the buses free and provide more of them. Or provide bicycles, rickshaws, a bag collecting service and more. Do something more than treating their customers with disdain and having them stand in the sun waiting for an overpriced bus.

And then this:

SAFER SPACES

Everyone deserves to have fun and enjoy themselves at NASS. Because of this we have a zero tolerance policy towards any kind of sexual assault or harassment. We also don’t tolerate any racism, discrimination or any other anti-social behaviour. To make it clear, this is what we classify as unacceptable behaviour and may get you ejected from the festival:


• Any unwanted physical contact
• Groping
• Grabbing
• Catcalling
• Leering
• Stalking
• Rape
• Upskirting
• Verbal or physical intimidation
If you experience any of this or see it happening, please call it out and/or report it to the nearest steward or security guard.

Nass festival

“Unacceptable behaviour” is leering – i.e. looking intently – and rape. Rape “may get you ejected from the festival”. Or it may not. If you’ve been the victim of a violent sexual assault call the police.

Welcome to planet Nass.

Posted: 14th, July 2019 | In: Key Posts, Music, News | Comment


That Labour manifesto in full : blame the Jews

There we have it folks, proof if any was needed that the Labour Party IS institutionally racist and will be until Corbyn and his cronies go #EnoughIsEnough

The tweet was a smear, of course. “There we have it folks, proof if any was needed that the Labour Party IS institutionally racist and will be until Corbyn and his cronies go #EnoughIsEnough” was not written by a Labour Party activist awoken to the fact that the Party supports Jew hatred, advocates Jew hatred and acquiesces to Jew hatred. It was the view of a hacker. And once the NEC, NCC, NKVD and whatever panels and groups Labour uses to process matters via Twitter has investigated to the full, someone will be blamed – very possibly the Jews.

The BBC TV investigation into the Party’s ‘little problem’ proved only that you know who are behind utterly unwarranted attacks on a Labour Party led by a man who likes anti-semitic murals, endorses books alleging European finance is controlled by “men of a single and peculiar race” (“brilliant” – J. Corbyn five stars one big yellow star stitched on to your death camp clothing), pays tribute to Jew killers, counts a group who want to see all Jews dead as his “friends“, worked for Iranian state television, which peddles anti-Israeli conspiracy theories, and tells British Jews they are something other than British.

“This account was briefly hacked. It has now been re-secured,” says Labour.

As Labour fights to control the media (chiefly to regain control of it’s twitter account and the biased BBC from you know who), the Equality and Human Rights Commission continues its investigation into whether Labour has “unlawfully discriminated against, harassed or victimised people because they are Jewish”. To which Labour might well argue: can we change the law which as everyone knows is run by you know who.

Posted: 12th, July 2019 | In: Key Posts, News, Politicians | Comment


Whinefeld : The Seinfeld parody video game

Winefeld seinfeld

It’s 30 years since Seinfeld first aired. The show branded ‘too New York, too Jewish’ defied the critics and thrived. And it spawned this, Stay Tooned!, a 1996 computer game developed by Funnybone Interactive.

Wikipedia has more:

The player takes the place of an ordinary patron living in an apartment. The player starts off simply channel-surfing with a TV remote and watching short cartoons and commercials that parody real-life shows (such as Seinfeld, which is parodied as Whinefeld). One channel even has the game’s chief programmer providing hints on how to play the upcoming game. Several cartoon characters either forbid or encourage the player to push the red button on their remote as the player surfs the channels. When the player pushes the button, the cartoons break out of the television set, steal the remote, and cause the entire apartment complex to go into animated form. The player must recover the television remote, which is the only thing that can zap the escaped toons and send them back to TV Land, the fictional toon world found within the depths of the television.

Spotter: r/ObscureMedia

Posted: 11th, July 2019 | In: Key Posts, Technology, TV & Radio | Comment


You’re smart phone is not making you ill – yet

The latest up-to-date research says smart phones and other electronic devices are not making us ill. Kurzgesagt (sources) have produced a video to prove the fact:

Electrosmog is one of those things that is a bit vague and hard to grasp. When personal health is involved, feelings clash extra hard with scientific facts and there is a lot of misinformation and exaggeration out there. On the other hand, some people are really worried and distressed by the electricity that surrounds them. And just to wave this off is not kind or helpful.

While there is still a lot of researching being done on the dangers of constant weak electromagnetic radiation, it is important to stress that so far, we have no reason to believe that our devices harm us. Other than… well… spending too much time with them.

Of course, not too long ago the experts told us cigarettes were good for us.

cigaretts kids

Previously we were told electronic “smog”, created by the electricity that powers our civilisation, is “giving children cancer, causing miscarriages and suicides and making some people allergic to modern life”.

Try to enjoy your day as you await the next big public health scare.

Posted: 10th, July 2019 | In: Key Posts, Technology | Comment


Jeffrey Epstein charged with trafficking children for sex

Jeffrey Epstein has been arrested by the FBI-NYPD Crimes Against Children Task Force. He is accused of scores of sex crimes against young girls. The BBC says that “according to the charges, the girls, some as young as 14, were given hundreds of dollars for sex acts. He faces one count of sex trafficking and one of sex trafficking conspiracy.”

Epstein has pleaded not guilty to all charges. He denies any wrongdoing.

After years of secrecy and secret deals, the well-connected multimillionaire is in the judiciary’s crosshairs. Justice ought to be done and seen to be done, at every stage.

The Times says the action “came 11 years after federal prosecutors in Florida granted him a deal that meant that he served 13 months in prison despite sex abuse allegations from 36 females, some as young as 14.”

Epstein, once a friend of Prince Andrew, former US President Bill Clinton and President Donald Trump, was previously accused of abusing dozens of teenage girls between 1999 and 2007. But he reached a plea deal to avoid federal sex trafficking charges in the case.

He instead pleaded guilty in 2008 to lesser Florida state charges of soliciting and procuring a person under the age of 18 for prostitution.
He spent 13 months in jail and registered as a sex offender, avoiding a possible life sentence.

Earlier this year, a Florida judge ruled that federal prosecutors broke the law by not informing Epstein’s victims of the plea deal at the time.

The Daily Beast tells us about the former pal of Bill Clinton and Prince Andrew:

The alleged victims, who sued the government for violating the Crime Victims’ Rights Act, asked the court to rescind Epstein’s non-prosecution agreement and called for the feds to hold him criminally liable. The NPA also granted immunity to Epstein’s co-conspirators, identified in the document as “including but not limited to Sarah Kellen, Adriana Ross, Lesley Groff, or Nadia Marcinkova.”

But in June, prosecutors for the government advised the judge to uphold the plea deal, saying that voiding it would “cause unintended harm to many of” the victims and jeopardize monetary settlements that more than a dozen of them received.

“If today’s report is true, it only proves that Epstein should have been charged by federal prosecutors 12 years ago in Florida. With his money, Epstein was able to buy more than a decade of delay in facing justice—but fortunately he wasn’t able to postpone justice forever,” said attorney Paul Cassell, who represents multiple victims of Epstein in their lawsuit against the federal government.

“While New York prosecutors are apparently seeking to hold Epstein accountable, the fight will continue to force federal prosecutors in Florida to do the same thing,” Cassell added in a statement. “While Epstein was at the head of the international sex trafficking organization, that conspiracy could not have functioned without many others playing their part. Jane Doe 1 and 2 will continue to fight for all of Epstein’s co-conspirators to be held accountable in New York, Florida, and anywhere else they committed crimes.”

Much to follow…

Posted: 8th, July 2019 | In: Key Posts, News | Comment


The science behind tripping up stairs

Missing a step on the way down is jarring; missing a step on the way up is strange and painful if you hit your ankles and shins. In this video we see people ascending a set of subway stairs in Brooklyn, NYC. One of the steps at the 36 Street subway station in Sunset Park is a tiny bit higher than the others, something that causes many walkers to trip on it.

It’s odd how quickly humans sense patterns and adapt to them. We get into rhythm. There’s no need to look at the steps. We think we know what’s coming. Odder still how an anomaly can throw the whole process.

There’s a clear link between your walking speed and your ability to climb stairs. No one flight of steps suits everyone.

Spotter: @fishtopher Kottke

Posted: 7th, July 2019 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comment


Debbie Harry and Iggy Pop Duet for Cole Porter’s Did You Evah

Debbie Harry and Iggy Pop Duet for Cole Porter's Did You Evah

The 1990 album Red Hot + Blue features features pop performers reinterpreting several songs by Cole Porter (June 9, 1891 – October 15, 1964) – the title of the album comes from Cole Porter’s musical Red, Hot and Blue – with money going to AIDS research. The album kicks off with Neneh Cherry singing “I’ve Got You Under My Skin”, which was released as a single, peaking at number 25 in the charts. But the real highlight is Iggy Pop and Debbie Harry’s version of “Did You Evah,” written for the 1939 musical DuBarry Was a Lady, and famously sang by Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra in the movie High Society (1956). The single failed to break into the Top 40, hitting 42. (Btw – the B-side was The Thompson Twins asking us “Who Wants to Be A Millionaire?”)

Iggy and Debbie’s video was produced and directed by Alex Cox of Repo Man fame. He told Spin: “Iggy had always wanted to make a video with animals and Debbie had always wanted to publicly burn lingerie so I let them.”

Sing-a-long if the know the (new) words:

Debbie: I have heard, among this clan, you are called the forgotten man.
Iggy: is that what theyre saying? well, did you evah!
Both: what a swell party this is!

Iggy: and have you heard the story of a boy, a girl, unrequited love?
Debbie: sounds like pure soap opera. I may cry.
Iggy: aw…
Both: what a swell party this is!

Iggy: what frails!
Debbie: what cocks!
Iggy: what broads!
Debbie: what jocks…
Iggy: what furs! theyre beautiful!
Debbie: why, Ive never seen such…
Both: yuppity!
Debbie: neither did I.
Iggy: its all just too…
Both: swellegant!

Debbie: this french champagne…
Iggy: (domestic!)
Debbie: so good for the brain.
Iggy: thats what I was gonna say!
Debbie: well, you know youre a brilliant fellow.
Iggy: thank you, I am!
Debbie: hehe, drink up Jim.

Iggy: so… have you ever been out to L.A. lately?
Debbie: well no, not recently.
Iggy: well, I went there and had a rent-a-car and all…
Debbie: oh, really?
Iggy: yeah and I got invited to Pia’s house… Pia Zadora’s house…
Debbie: really? oh.
Iggy: yeah.
Debbie: was it nice?
Iggy: well, I didnt… I didnt go!
Debbie: oh! hehe.
Iggy: it woulda been swell though!
Debbie: shoulda gone!
Iggy: it woulda been elegant!
Debbie: elegant.
Oh wait, look… look whos coming in now… can you believe it?
Iggy: …I hear they dismantled pickfair.
Debbie: they did.
Iggy: it wasnt elegant enough. hehe!
Debbie: yeah. probably full of termites.
Iggy: yeah.

Both: its great!
Its grand!
Wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wonderland!
La la la la la la la la la la la la la.
We sing so rare, like old camembert.

Iggy: have you heard that Diane Star – she got bit in the Asster bar.
Debbie: sauced again! well, did you evah…
Both: what a swell party this is!

Have you heard?
Its in the stars.
Next July we collide with Mars.
Well did you evah!

What a swell party.
What a swell party.
What a swellegant elegant, (sm) party…
Debbie: smarty?
Iggy: party… yeah!
Debbie: a smarty party?
Iggy: I am! a smarty! Im pretty smart!
Debbie: you are a smarty for coming to this party.
Iggy: yeah, thats right!
Debbie: well piss off.
Iggy: hehehe, thats good! I like that.

Posted: 5th, July 2019 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts, Music | Comment


Illegal immigrants rain on London

The body of a Kenya flight ‘stowaway’ has been “found” in a garden in Clapham, south London. The man fell off a Kenya Airways flight from Nairobi. The BBC says the “force of the body falling” dented paving slabs. To say nothing for the impact of the body landing on the patio.

“If it had been two seconds later,” says an eyewitness, “he would have landed on the common where there were hundreds of people – my kids were in the garden 15 minutes before [he fell]. I spoke to Heathrow. They said this happens once every five years.” In 2024, it might be best to remain indoors.

Thoughts, of course, are with the dead man, someone desperate enough to clamber inside the landing gear of a large commercial jet and take his chances. Although maybe he was already dead and someone else stowed him? Whatever the background, the tabloids keep things in perspective.

The Mail warns owners of £2m homes that immigrants might be targeting their properties:

Kenyan jet man Clapham

The Sun warns sunbathers that there’s something worse than perverts with camera drones:

Kenyan jet man clapham

The man has yet to be identified.

Posted: 2nd, July 2019 | In: Key Posts, News, Strange But True, Tabloids | Comment


News Corp writers paid by the click; Guardian subs paid by the typo

The Guardian typo
As seen in the Guardian

Writers for Australia’s Herald Sun can boost their pay by turning their stories into sponsored posts and marketing campaigns. Writers can earn between $10 and $50 for, as the Guardian puts it, “driving digital subscriptions and traffic through their own stories”.

Journalists are engaged in something akin to a popularity contest. Nothing new in that, of course. Columnists have long been hired to keep readers reading. It’s why they’re often their views are front-page news. The new bit is that analytics can measure who readers read the most and are willing to pay to read. The writer can then get their dues.

The News Corp system, called Verity, “empowers our editors, newsrooms and content promoters with real-time information to understand and influence the content for which our audiences are willing to ‘pay & stay’”.

According to Nathaniel Bane, the title’s head of digital, the number crunchers “know how many subscribers viewed it, how many times it was shared on social media, how many clicks it drove to other content, and how long readers dwelled on it.”

If you’ve a large social media following, a column in a paper could be the best way to cash in on it. (I have 650,000 followers – call me, I have ideas.)

So much for the strongest links in the news chain. What of the weakest? The Guardian has that covered:

Priceless.

Posted: 26th, June 2019 | In: Broadsheets, Key Posts, News | Comment


North London bakery damaged in anti-semitic attack

To the local bagel bakery in North London. The message on the window – scratched in by an amateur sign writer – declares “RICH JEWS”.

I’ve heard this slight first hand. I believe it’s called a trope. My Sephardic ancestors worked hard and behaved themselves. “Our race can do anything but fail,” wrote one of the hynmed Montefiore family to Benjamin Disraeli. I’d add, “but try not to be too successful. Try to be invisible.”

I’ve heard the anti-Semitism first hand over the last few years. Someone I thought I knew and who I thought knew me declared without batting an eye “All Jews are rich”. Another hissed “Zionists” like gas escaping as I sat down in a pub. And, yep, that bastard was sat on the same table as me with mutual friends. And, no, not all the mutual pals called him out.

You live and learn.

One of my children was told by a classmate that Jews were not allowed to play. That Jews were not allowed to her house. Rare events. But all in past few years. When put together they chill the blood.

These are worrying times…

Posted: 19th, May 2019 | In: Key Posts, News | Comment


Freddie Starr never ate a hamster

Freddie Stars hamster

Freddie Starr (9 January 1943; died 9 May 2019) never ate a hamster, at least not Supersonic. In 1986 the Sun told how the entertainer had put the rodent between two slices of bread and bit into it. It was just his loveable, madcap way of punishing the critter’s female owner for her refusal to make him a sandwich.

“Freddie Starr Ate My Hamster,” said the Sun. The story was false, cooked up by Starr with his agent, convicted paedophile Max Clifford. Starr noted in his autobiography: “I have never eaten or even nibbled a live hamster, gerbil, guinea pig, mouse, shrew, vole or any other small mammal.” It’s the kind of line Starr would have ended with “But I bet he had a cockatoo”.

Starr’s dead now. But the story lives on, the Sun modestly hailing the original as the “greatest headline in the world”. Back then the story promoted Starr’s career. Told now the casual misogyny and cruelty would have ended it.

Posted: 10th, May 2019 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts, News, Tabloids | Comment


John Rhys-Davies is Adam Ant on Question Time

John Rhys-Davies Adam Ant Question Time
John ‘Prince Charming’ Rhys-Davies

For those of you missed John Rhys-Davies’s performance on the BBC’s politics as circus show Question Time last night, here is the man himself channeling the great Adam Ant. Green MP Caroline Lucas is his audience of one:

Oh Woman, no Cry…. Oooooh Woman!!!!! no cry:

Note: John Rhys-Davies is (looks at web) an actor.

Posted: 26th, April 2019 | In: Key Posts, Politicians, TV & Radio | Comment


Tumblr is dead: network bans Iggy Pop, David Bowie and The Bayeux Tapestry for being too dangerous

Tumblr is dead. The social media network owned by Verizon bans everything and anything. It offers users a right to “appeal” its ridiculous decisions. Why bother? It’s not worth the effort. Here are some images Tumblr has banned from my page for Flashbak. The offence for each image is the same:

Thee are just some of the images that are for adults only. Yeah , as if the cool kids us Tumblr – dream on:

david bowie banned
David Bowie in his flat – this image will corrupt minors. Keep up the good work, Dave!
tumblr banned iggy pop
Banned! Iggy Pop will be chuffed to bits
A postcard for sale in Miami – Bettie Page remains edgy
tumblr banned
Ban this sick filth!

tumblr banned
Album covers are now X-rated – more disco days debauchery here
tumblr banned
Girls’ Love magazine 1965 – BANNED!
tumblr banned
Beatles concert (1964) – Look away now, kids!
tumblr banned
As seen on the The Bayeux Tapestry, a mainstay of history lessons
tumblr banned
BANNED! Dancers Berinoff and Angelina. Photo by Martin Badekow, 1920s
tumblr banned
Carmen Miranda – fine for 1941 but classified as dangerous in 2019

tumblr banned
Speedo Jockette Stretch Bri-Nylon underwear advertisement, Australia, 1977. BANNED!

Tumblr is dead. What odds large chunks of the corporatised web follow?

Posted: 12th, April 2019 | In: Key Posts, News, Technology | Comment


Daily Star sacks all its Page 3 topless models

The job market is looking bleak for topless stunnas. The Daily Star says it will no longer feature pictures of topless women on Page 3, following the Sun’s move to end its Page 3 feature 2015. Readers looking for tit-bits of news will be lost to the web.

page 3

“The Daily Star is always looking to try new things and improve,” says the paper’s editor, Jonathan Clark. “In that spirit, we’ve listened to reader feedback and are currently trialling a covered-up version of page 3.”

Do Daily Star readers do feedback in anything other than sales?

daily star sex
No Page 3 in the Star means readers will need to use their imaginations – and phones
You could see tit but not say ‘tits’ in the Sun

How different things were when the Sun sacked Dannii from Basildon. “The Daily Star is proud to continue the great British page 3 tradition,” announced the paper. “It brightens the day for our readers during tough times and has launched many successful careers. We will continue to listen to what our readers want and put a smile on their faces with our lovely, bright, talented and independent young ladies. Page 3 is as British as roast beef and Yorkshire pud, fish and chips and seaside postcards. The Daily Star is about fun and cheering people up. And that will definitely continue!”

What the Star is about now is unsaid. Maybe it’ll be about a different kind of hard news?

Posted: 12th, April 2019 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts, News, Tabloids | Comment


Upskirting still legal in the newsagents

Pippa naked Kate Middleton upskirt

It is illegal to take photos up a person’s skirt or other items of clothing without their consent. Upskirting is a crime if “the offender has a motive of either gaining sexual gratification or causing humiliation, distress or alarm to the victim”. What about if you’re an underwear researcher for M&S? What about if it’s newsworthy?

The Daily Star once alerted us to the “clea-vadge”, a happening so rich it was hailed as “The FILTHIEST celeb trend yet”. Female celebs had taken to wearing very small knickers and skirts with long slits. Men wielding very long lenses with endoscopy attachments were taking photos of the ‘trend zone’. You’ve seen 90% of the star’s naked flesh but the contest to reveal the remaining portions is keenly fought in panting PR agencies and on the kerb.

You say ‘flashed’ they say’ cheeky’

Following the arrival of the new anti-upskirting law the questions for editors are: when are knickers being “flashed” and when are you just gawping at a woman’s crotch?

In 2014, the Express brought us: “Top 10 knicker flashes including Kate Middleton, Susanna Reid and Emma Watson.” Flashing suggests an act of free will. But in its article the Express said these leading flashers were “blundering”. BBC TV presenter Alex Jones was a flasher because she “had unwittingly showed off her brown polkadot pants as she crossed her legs in front of the camera, giving viewers a little more than they bargained for.”

Upskirting

The paper went on:

Kate Middleton proved that not even royalty can escape the embarrassment of an accidental flash. The mother-of-one ended up victim to a bluster of wind during a nine-day Canadian tour with Prince William, and showed off bottom when the breeze lifted up her yellow summer dress…

Emma Watson revealed more than she intended when she made a quick dash to the shops in 2011.

“For the second time, the 42-year-old star gave viewers an eyeful thanks to a tight, short dress”

Is it now the case if a celebrity accidentally “flashes” her knickers that if no police action follows the gusset exposure was accidentally-on-purpose?

Just what is the message police and media are presenting us with? Now magazine once looks for meaning in Britney Spears’ gunties – and found some:

We now await the first paparazzo tried in court for upskirting who solicits the defence: “If I’d spotted early stage of cervical cancer, she’d be thanking me.”

Posted: 12th, April 2019 | In: Key Posts, News, Tabloids | Comment


Barking teenager extorted millions from porn users

Zain Qaiser
The Tosser’s Tosser

Zain Qaiser was quite the bedroom entrepreneur until the law caught up with him. Qaiser, a student from Barking, London, is estimated to have made £4m blackmailing pornography enthusiasts. Hit the wrong site, press the wrong button (often disguised as an advert on a legal porn site) and trigger malware to download. You read the message demanding money on pain of never being able to access your computer / aide to masturbation again, which has suddenly frozen. Habitual onanists might see this as a blessing.

For added punch an on-screen messages would issue an additional threat, saying something like: “HALT! This is the FBI. You have broken the law. Face jail or pay a fine. We have webcam footage of your disgusting self-abuse and will not hesitate to use it in a court of law and publish details in the Rotary Club newsletter”

Fearful of being exposed as a tossers, the threatened victim pays up and stays schtumm. And that was where the sophistication ended. Qaiser was, of course, the biggest tosser of the bunch (you have to know your victims’ flaws intimately to be an adept blackmailer) spending his cash – estimates are that he cleared £550,000 – on a vulgar and predicable Rolex watch, prostitutes (natch.), drugs and gambling, including around £70,000 at a casino in what one site calls “an upmarket shopping centre”.

Can it happen again? Not if we get our porn licences and everyone knows that everyone else is looking at smut. Of course, we already do know. Take this from 2011, in which Craig Brown harks back to the 1960s, spotting Harold Pinter, Vivien Merchant, Peter Cook, Wendy Cook, Lord Snowdon and Princess Margaret watching a post-prandial porn movie at Kenneth Tynan’s pad. The film, for you buffs, is Un Chant d’Amour by Jean Genet:

Peter Cook saves the day by starting to speak over the images. Tynan is thankful: ‘He supplied a commentary, treating the movie as if it were a long commercial for Cadbury’s Milk Flake chocolate and brilliantly seizing on the similarity between Genet’s woodland fantasies and the sylvan capering that inevitably accompanies, on TV, the sale of anything from cigarettes to Rolls-Royces. Within five minutes, we were all helplessly rocking with laughter, Princess M included.’

No sex tape was made. Or was it? Send £250 to the usual address and await further details.

Posted: 9th, April 2019 | In: Key Posts, Money, News | Comment


Hollywood PRs weep as Felicity Huffman admits guilt

Felicity Huffman

In a move that has sent a chill wind through the offices of the Hollywood PR industry, actress Felicity Huffman offered no sympathetic backstory or refreshingly dishonest non-denial denial as she accepted “full acceptance of my guilt” in buying her daughter a place at college. She is in a state of “deep regret and shame” over her actions.

“I am ashamed of the pain I have caused my daughter, my family, my friends, my colleagues and the educational community,” says Huffington, the voice barely audible over the din of wailing spokespersons.

“I want to apologise to them and, especially, I want to apologise to the students who work hard every day to get into college, and to their parents who make tremendous sacrifices to support their children and do so honestly… In my misguided and profoundly wrong way, I have betrayed her. This transgression toward her and the public, I will carry for the rest of my life.”

Says one Hollywood PR: “Maybe therapy can save her – and us! I think she must be ill.”

Posted: 9th, April 2019 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts, News | Comment


Fire Brigades Union official censured for using antisemitic phrase ‘rootless cosmopolitans’; Corbyn escapes

The Wandering Jew by Samuel Hirszenberg (1899).

Fire Brigades Union official Paul Embery must stop all social media activity at some point in the future or else, reports the Jewish News. His offence is to have used the phrase “rootless cosmopolitans”. He tweeted: “I fear this encapsulates the divide in our society – between a rootless, cosmopolitan, bohemian middle-class … and a rooted, communitarian, patriotic working-class.”

A spokesperson for the Fire Brigades Union goes on the record: “Racism in all its forms weakens and undermines trade unionism. The FBU has a longstanding history of standing up to and challenging racism. These traditions are not reflected in the recent comments made by someone who is an official of the FBU, whether this was done knowingly or not. We sincerely regret the use of this phrase (“rootless, cosmopolitan”) by an FBU official, and have requested that the person in question ceases all activity on social media until our executive council is able to meet to discuss. The FBU will deal with any potential abuse of policy in accordance with our organisational rules.”

In case you are not au fait with the phrase and why it is anti-Semitic – and, I know, there are so may rich, snide, sneaky and varied ways to insult Jews (see Book of Corbyn) that knowing them all can be testing. Jews are pretty good at spotting it.

Labour MP Alex Sobel explained all in a tweet: “Literally an antisemitic trope used by Stalin the culmination of which saw many good bundists imprisoned by East European Communist regimes (including my grandfather) just what I needed to see after the @JewishLabour AGM. Stop othering Jews.”

Embery tells Jewish News: “My remarks were directed at a section of Britain’s middle-class liberals and were made during a discussion that had absolutely nothing to do with Jews, Jewishness or race in general. How some can construe this as antisemitism is beyond me. The fact that Stalin might have used similar words in a derogatory way a century ago does not mean that everyone who ever uses those words in the future intends them to be heard in the same way. Normal people are not obsessed with communist history in that way. It’s a shining example of how Twitter sometimes goes all hysterical and is desperate to take offence at innocent comments. If people are ‘offended’, it can only mean they were looking to be offended.”

It can also mean that ignorance is no defence. Which brings us to Jeremy Corbyn. And his words are relevant because the FBU supports the Labour leader – and, boy, does Jeremy have a problem with Jews.

Let’s look beyond Corbyn’s schilling for Holocaust-denying Iran, liking a huge anti-Semitic mural painted on a wall in London, honouring Jew killers with a wreath, his reluctance to sign up to the International Holocaust Remembrance Alliance’s definition of antisemitism, and for purposes of this article focus solely on what he told two unnamed British Jews. They “clearly have two problems,” said Corbyn. “One is they don’t want to study history, and secondly, having lived in this country for a very long time, probably all their lives, they don’t understand English irony either … So I think they needed two lessons, which we can perhaps help them with.” That is blatantly anti-Semitic. That is othering. And Jezza is still on Twitter. He’s still leader of the Labour Party. In 2018, he told one and all: “I am proud to lead a Labour Party that is supported by the FBU and its members campaigning for worker’s rights, social justice and defending our public services.”

The union never did upbraid Corbyn for his bigotry. But Embery, who has no previous, is, reportedly, fair game. Context matters. Embery has explained his phrasing, and why not accept his words at face value? Corbyn on the other hand, should get no pass. If the FBU wants to make a stand against racism, it can start by calling out the man it supports.

Lead image: The Wandering Jew by Samuel Hirszenberg (1899).

Posted: 8th, April 2019 | In: Key Posts, News | Comment


Shami Chakrabarti to Jews: don’t panic Corbyn won’t be leader forever

The Jeremy Corbyn and Jewdas Seder abridged
Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour turn things upside for Jews

Shami Chakrabarti, given a seat in the House of Lords and made a Dame after telling us there is no anti-Semitism in the Labour Party, was on the telly this morning telling the Jewish Labour Movement they should remain in Labour because Jeremy Corbyn “won’t be the leader forever”. True. But have you see who they want to follow him?

Raus!

“My plea to the Jewish Labour Movement is to stay in the Labour movement and to tackle racism together, not to personalise it and make it about Jeremy Corbyn, because he is one person and he won’t be leader forever.”

You can tackle racism with the rest of Labour just as soon as, er, the leader Shami fully supports and wants to govern the nation has gone. In the meanwhile, your presence in Labour is an endorsement of the Party accused of being rife with Jew hatred.

Don’t worry, turkeys, says the turkey farmer looking at his full Christmas order book, next year we’ll all be vegans and things will be great.

Time for Jexit.

Posted: 7th, April 2019 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comment


Desperate poacher killed by elephants and eaten by lions

rhino poacher elephant

Shall we unpack the story of the poacher killed by an elephant then eaten by lions? Do you want to hear about the dead man’s impoverished, brutal life, his dear relative’s cancer diagnosis and her urgent need to pay for life-saving treatment, and how having already sold all his duplicate organs, a Chinese investor offered the man a few rand and a gun loaded with a single bullet to slaughter a rhino in a region patrolled by massive elephants and man-eating lions?

Up in the chap seats at the Twitter Colosseum, there’s much baying for blood:

Let’s just smile at events in South Africa’s Kruger National Park, and display the human skull and a pair of trousers (very possibly soiled) found after story of death-by safari park hit the police radios as a triumph of animal wit over human greed. Human death and misery is ok by us. One man’s hideous death might even be a sign of God’s love:

“Entering Kruger National Park illegally and on foot is not wise,” says the park’s MD. said. “It holds many dangers and this incident is evidence of that. It is very sad to see the daughters of the diseased mourning the loss of their father, and worse still, only being able to recover very little of his remains.”

Note to poachers: steal a van.

Spotter: SanParks

Posted: 7th, April 2019 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comment


State steals Teagan Appleby’s cannabis medicine; the Dark Web beckons

Walk down most streets in London and you can small skunk, the strong, hot-house grown cannabis. The Mail says cannabis is so commonplace throughout the UK that police don’t bother nicking people for smoking the stuff.

Daily Mail cannabis

But if you want to use marijuana to treat your sick child, the authorities will get you. Emma Appleby schlepped to The Hague to buy £4,000-worth of TGC oil capsules, a form of medical cannabis, for her daughter Teagan, 9, who has severe epilepsy. When the family arrived at Southend Airport, boarder guards confiscated all of it. It’s pretty clear that Mrs Appleby is neither weed dealer nor pot head. A quick chat with Anorak’s slacker division reveals that you can get all this stuff delivered to your door via the dark web or ‘Malc The Talc’, who has a mate in ‘The Dam’ who can post it. Next time, eh…

Mrs Appleby had tried to get the treatment with a prescription. UK doctors can issue the drug legally. But she was refused because the medics say THC is a psychoactive compound found in cannabis and might be detrimental to Teagan’s wellbeing. So Emma asked for help via a crowdfunding campaign, raised some money and arranged to collect the blow at a Netherland’s pharmacy.

“I’m absolutely gutted,” she said after the drugs were seized. “They just took everything. This is our last resort. There’s nothing else. We’ve tried all the medications at home. If there’s a single, slight chance that this medication will help and save her I’m going to be here.”

A government spokesman goes on the record: “The decision to prescribe cannabis-based products for medicinal use is a clinical decision for specialist hospital doctors, made with patients and their families, taking into account clinical guidance, which is based on the best international evidence. The Border Force has a duty to enforce the law and stop the unlawful import of controlled substances into the UK.”

And what’s a mother’s duty – to accept that guff and watch her daughter suffer? The drugs seems to help. This from December 2018:

A young girl with a severe form of epilepsy is back at home after receiving cannabis-based medication in a London hospital. Teagan Appleby of Milner Crescent, Aylesham, had up to 300 fits a day but her life-threatening condition has now stabilised. Doctors at the Evelina Children’s Hospital have successfully treated the nine-year-old who was born with the rare condition Isodicentric 15, a chromosome abnormality that has led to Lennox-Gastaut syndrome, a form of acute epilepsy.

Teagan spends her days in a wheelchair. Would you take her medicine away and turn her mother into a criminal?

Posted: 6th, April 2019 | In: Key Posts, News | Comment