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Key Posts | Anorak - Part 231

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Madeleine McCann: A Look At The Brand McCann Accounts

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

It’s time to look at those end-of-year Our Maddy Fund accounts and McCann Incorporated:

The Sun: “Maddie’s donors in £2m bid”

WELL-wishers donated almost £2million to the fund to find Madeleine McCann in the ten months after she vanished, it has emerged.

They gave almost £260-an-hour after Madeleine went missing aged three in Praia da Luz, Portugal, on May 3 2007, accounts lodged with Companies House show.

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Posted: 29th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (72)


The Ten Best Birthing Songs Ever

CHARLOTTE Church delivers the customary celebrity post-natal blow-by-blow and reveals that throughout the birth she listened to Phil Collins.

Church says he was plugged into lover Gavin’s iPod and when the song In The Air Tonight came on, out flew Dexter.

Might Church have stumbled on an alternative drug-free therapy? Make a pain somewhere else in the body – in this instance, the ears – greater then the pain elsewhere?

True enough, the baby’s first earthly sounds will not be mum’s comforting screams but the soft rock of Collins, but you take your chances. We will only understand the perils of such exposure when Dexter grows up and expresses himself by rolling up the sleeves on his linen jacket and shaving his head into a sharp widow’s peak.

Anorak has passed this news on to our resident scientists and by the process of playing a stereo in the vicinity of Poole General Hospital they and we now bring you the…

Ten Best Birthing Songs Ever!

In The Air Tonight – Phil Collins

 

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Posted: 28th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comment (1)


Celebrity Spotting With The Kray Twins

LEAFING through the Kray twins auction, we note a signed photo of Fern Britton – “To Reg, with very best wishes, Fern X.”

The lot for sale at the Chiswick Auction rooms also includes a signed print of Muhammed Ali, and autographed snap shots of Barbra Streisand, actress Patsy Kensit and singer Mark Knopfler.

There is also a signed copy of Norman Wisdom’s autobiography.

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Posted: 27th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment


Nancy Pelosi Accepts Role As Contraceptive Device

NANCY Pelosi advocates a “stimulus” package for contraception. Her face will from September 2009, be used to stimulate a crisis of confidence in men and women of breeding age.

Black vans will patrol neighbourhoods of high birth rates and low incomes and beam a holographic image of Nancy into the night skies, down alleys, into cars and wherever people are copulating.

A megaphone will blurt out at all hours of the day and night:

“Before pregnancy Nancy Pelosi looked like this (picture of nubile young woman) and now after five children – Nancy Corinne, Christine, Jacqueline, Paul, and Alexandra – as well as seven grandchildren she looks like this.”

Then the clincher: “Nancy Pelosi is 15.”

In schools, adolescents will be encouraged to masturbate frequently and take classes in premature ejaculation (see poster of the young Pelosi). Pelosi, a Catholic school graduate, will seek out predatory priests and get them to scare the kidz off sex by a series of one-on-one sessions.

All hot water will be turned off, boys will be issued with a regulation sponge and collecting vial (with calibrated targets) and girls… Well, women don’t like sex anyhow, do they Nancy, so they will all become lesbians, nuns, Democrat party congress women or anti-global warming activists.

Advert breaks in football matches will be reduced to 11 seconds. And a new sex education book will teach students that to have really good sex you must first ingest handfuls of cat fur and nail polish, a truism backed up by a big online porn drive.

Says Pelosi:

The exchange:

The revelation came during an exchange Sunday morning on ABC’s THIS WEEK.

STEPHANOPOULOS: Hundreds of millions of dollars to expand family planning services. How is that stimulus?

PELOSI: Well, the family planning services reduce cost. They reduce cost. The states are in terrible fiscal budget crises now and part of what we do for children’s health, education and some of those elements are to help the states meet their financial needs. One of those – one of the initiatives you mentioned, the contraception, will reduce costs to the states and to the federal government.

STEPHANOPOULOS: So no apologies for that?

PELOSI: No apologies. No. we have to deal with the consequences of the downturn in our economy.

Lights fade. Mood music. Sound of muffled sobbing…

Say What, Speaker Pelosi?
Pelosi: Cutting Poor Babies Accelerates Economic Growth
Maybe it’s all that talk about “stimulus”
Kids are Free! Who Knew?
That’s Probably It
Pelosi’s Inane Rant of the Day
Cheaper to kill ‘em than to pay for them
Pelosi: Contraception is Good Stimulus for the Economy

Posted: 26th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (4)


BBC Jonathan Ross Shags Octogenarian Gaza On A Swing As Satanic Slut Observes

GAZA and the appeal that will not be aired on the BBC. Says the Daily Mail.

Crisis at BBC escalates as 11,000 complain over refusal to broadcast Gaza appeal

Is that all? Perhaps if Jonathan Ross can intervene on behalf of the charities and say that he is f**king Gazza on a swing in his garden things can improve?

The crisis is the latest controversy to hit the BBC, which is still reeling from the enormous backlash over the Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand affair.

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Posted: 26th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (15)


Your Invitation To The Madeleine McCann Look-alike Party

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

UK tabloid invites readers to Maddy look-alike do – details to follow…

THE PEOPLE: “MCCANN’S FACE ANOTHER FAMILY MILESTONE WITHOUT MADDY”

Tom Mctague is walking the Maddy Mile, putting in the hard yards. He has just passed another marker:

Kate and Gerry McCann will this week brave another family milestone without their beloved daughter Maddie – their twins’ fourth birthday.

How is that a milestone, then? Is reaching the grand old age of four now a milestone in this paedo, pervy age? If he turns up, call the cops.

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Posted: 26th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (21)


New Homes For Guantanamo Bay Mates At LAWNS 12-Step Programme

GUANTANAMO Bay is closing and Old Mr Anorak has selflessly offered to find bed and board for three and maybe four – should Svetlana not return for her trip to the immigration centre – of the Bay’s more handsome residents.

OMA is not obsessed with looks, far from it. He would often compliment the first Lady OMA on her top knot of sun-kissed skin upon which her thatch of blonde hair perched like a smug Tweety pie on a comatose Sylvester (Memoirs Vol. IX, Chapt. XXXVI).

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Posted: 26th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (2)


Shannon Matthews: Karen Matthews And Craig Meehan To Breed

KAREN Matthews has been jailed for 8 years for her part in the kidnap of her daughter Shannon Matthews.

Now read on…

NOTW: “I want babies with my Karen”

It’s Craig Meehan. His image is captioned:

Perv’s jail wedding bid.

He wants babies? And you’ll remember who she was heavily pregnant?

THE vile boyfriend of evil kidnap scam mum Karen Matthews has revealed they want to start a FAMILY when she gets out of prison. Craig Meehan, who was jailed last year for having child porn images on his computer, also intends to MARRY Matthews inside.

B-b-b-but…

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Posted: 25th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (9)


George Bush: Memo To Self (Me) – Things To Do

WHEN President Barack Obama started work in the White House he noticed a piece of paper that had slipped down the back of his desk drawer. The document bore the unmistakable handwriting of the forty-third President of the United States of America.

MEMO TO SELF (ME): THINGS TO DO

1. Declare war on Geese. We need to kick the butts of geese for bringing done plane in New York. Geese are agents of evil. Dick says Saddam had geese in palaces. There¹s ya link!

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Posted: 24th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (8)


Ten Odd Things Banned From Football Grounds

FEW things are not banned from football grounds these days. The chants of old have been replaced by the steward’s shrill command “Sit down”. Anorak looks at ten things banned from our grounds, where passion is policed:

PARROTS

A PARROT was banned from Hatfield Town for imitating the referee’s whistle during a crunch match between local rivals Hatfield Town and Hertford Heath.

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Posted: 22nd, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comment (1)


Obamism: Obama Says British Black Woman Are Thick And Lazy

A LETTER from Barack Obama to prove that Bush might have gone but we still have US President to poke fun at.

Obama has typoed a missive on House of Commons stationery – he is our President now – and in championing Dawn Butler MP manages to insult all but one of Britain’s other black women.

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Posted: 22nd, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (4)


Madeleine McCann: The Maddy Porn Mag On Display

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

But is it porn? Mourn Porn? Yesterday we had the “paedo!”. Now we have the “porn!” Two words can keep this story going, and they are not “Maddie found”.

HACKNEY GAZETTE: “MADDIE STUNT FURY”

A vile stunt in which a group of Hackney artists made pornographic artwork using images of Madeleine McCann has sparked outrage.

Vile. Outraged! Did you see it? Well, in case you didn’t go to a minor art exhibition in a easy-to-miss part of London and be outraged, know this:

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Posted: 22nd, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (53)


Barack Obama: First Day Picture Gallery (Exclusive)

BARACK Obama is upon us. The seagulls have spoken. and Anroak has obtained these exclusive pictures of the President’s first day in office.

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Posted: 22nd, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Photojournalism, Politicians | Comments (4)


Ten Alternative Barack Obama Slogans

“YES we can,” says Obama.

Yes we can,” chant the Obamites.

And now Goonies fan Obama is in power, we can, or – better yet – he can (what with him being organiser of the global community and all).

And now Obama is in power what will he say about can, hope and change? Will he combine all three into a united vision – “Hope we can change”, backed by the sign of the crossed fingers? Or should the teleprompter fail, will he demand “Change we hope can Hope can change we”?

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Posted: 21st, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (10)


The Top Eight Green Creatures Found In Food

DO you like your salad with a little body? Well, you’re in luck as Anorak looks at frogs making their way into mainstream food.

The Prisoner

To a chopping board in Meole Brace, near Shrewsbury, where a four-inch lizard is set to become the family pet.

Says Paula Walsh:

“My daughter had been cutting the broccoli for lunch when she screamed, ‘Mum come quick, come quick – there’s something crawling in the broccoli’. I pulled gently and out he came.”

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Posted: 21st, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (9)


Yes We Karma: Boy George For Obama, A Tribute

BOY George is for Obama.

Boy George is in jail.

Boy George can be pardoned by the President of the World?

Video:

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Posted: 20th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (7)


Barack Obama: Snow, Lesbians, The Menu And the Chant Begins

BARACK Obama has not only acrued 100% of the American public’s backing, but the media has also bought into the dream. Who but Obama could deal with this level of expectaion that he will heel the world?

Two months after the election, young people are still calling his name, “Obama, Obama…”

In the UK, the children hear the call:

In the UK, events are being held in cities including Belfast, Edinburgh, Birmingham, Leeds, Liverpool and London. Organisers say it’s important for UK communities to mark Obama’s success.

Blessed are the car washers:

Oxford car wash owner Khalid Ahmed is so certain new US President Barack Obama can clean up the world he has named his business after him.

As the world celebrates the inauguration of Obama as the 44th President of the United States today, Mr Ahmed, 30, renamed his car wash ‘Obama’ and promised: “If he needs his car washed, I am his man”.

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Posted: 20th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (21)


Britney Spears Moves To Her Own Island

2009BRITNEY Spears tells MTV, in the documentary Britney: For The Record of her desire to live on an island.

That would be heaven – to have my kids on an island, and a man, and nobody can get to us.”

It’s the kind of comment that makes we Britons, an island race, count our blessings.

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Posted: 19th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)


BBC Newsreader Tasmin Lucia Khan’s On Air Orgasm?

TASMIN Lucia Khan is breathing life into the moribund BBC 3 schedules by breathing breathy life into the news.

With Israel no longer in esistence, the BBC is forced to look elsewhere for lead news items, and Tasmin is: a) enjoying searching for new stories in her in-tray; b) panicking; c) examining the perfect orgasm; d) auditioning for life after news.

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Posted: 19th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comment


Hamas Wins: Israel Dismantles And World Is In Total Harmony

In Melbourne, the anti-war – or are they just on the other side? – protestors march for peace in Israel and Gaza.

In Israel, Jews respond by saying that they have heard the will of the entire world and enough, already.

Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert says he realises that the world’s ills can all be laid at the feet of Israelis.

He’s been on TakeMeBack.com and having traced his ancestors to the site of a village in the Ukraine, he and his will be heading back there next Tuesday.

In Austria, local peaceniks celebrated the news of the Jews return by holding a candlelit vigil.

Says one campaigner:

“Now finally the world can be at peace. With no Israel we can all sleep easy in our beds knowing that harmony is all and peace has been achieved.”

A spokesman for the BBC issued this statement.

“The BBC welcomes the decision by the Israeli state to dismantle itself and for its peoples to return from whence they came. The BBC is now free to lead with happy news stories of swearing parrots, Her Majesty’s new winter wardrobe and the Boat Race, both preparations and aftermath.”

More thoughts from around the world:

The end days are upon us. We have but seven days to round up all the Jews, put them in a field and bomb the hell out of planet Earth. And with no President Bush, it’s gonna be harder then ever. But if we can all unite in prayer we can.” – Evangelical Congregation of Armageddon, Wyoming.

“Hopefully now the Palestinians can create the liberal dream Yasser Arafat craved. Palestinians can look forward to shared parental leave, reducing carbon emissions, legalisation of cannabis, fostering respect for all creeds and creating a Sustainable Market in Aviation”Nick Clegg, Leader of the Liberal Democrats

“Thank f**! Now we can admit that Osama bin Laden was never real and was invented by Jews as a front for an attack on Iraq, Afghanistan and – well, then it would have been Iran, Pakistan, Dubai and, had Man City defeated Spurs, Abu Dhabi”Ayman “Hymie” al-Zawahiri

“Ich bin ein Jew” Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

“It was me. Well, and Him upstairs. But mostly it was me” Tony Blair

Israel will be cleared in a week. Jews will all leave just as soon as Poland is made ready…

Image spotter

Posted: 18th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comment (1)


Plush Uterus Toy Remove From Child Notice

WARNING:

“If the plush uterus toy is being used by a small child, please remove it immediately”

– Recall notice for the 2008 Plush Uterus toy

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Posted: 18th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (7)


Dinner For Two: Joe Biden Plate

THE Joe Biden Commemorative Plate offer…

Some key fact about the Joe Biden plate:

Comes with free light bulb

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Posted: 17th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (3)


Hudson New York Plane Crash: Pilot Averted Flight To London

SOME doubt on the plane crash in New York’s Hudson River as the Times leads with “All 155 survive crash” and the Mail counters with the front-page screamer: “All 153 onboard escape.”

The Telegraph reports that the flight was going from New York’s La Guardia airport, to Charlotte, North Carolina. But Anorak has received news that the plane was on course for London.

Says a source:

“When the pilot got the news that plane as going to London he panicked. Last time he went there they lost his luggage and he was forced to survive for 17 hours by offering to sip opened bottles baby milk and Linctus of mothers waiting to pass through customs.”

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Posted: 16th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (10)


Madeleine McCann: Snatched, Lowe Humour And More Flick Cox

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

Gerry MCann returned to Portugal. Kate Mcann did not go with him. Here’s the story of the story that keeps on going:

DAILY MIRROR: “Madeleine mum can’t face return”

Heartbroken Kate McCann was too upset to go back to Portugal where her beloved Madeleine was snatched.

A breakthrough. She didn’t wander off. Cancel the Channel 4 investigation! Madeleine McCann is another Diana to milk like a surrogate cow.

The Mirror has proof?

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Posted: 16th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (20)


Top Ten Stairs Fails

STAIRS. They go up. But to where? From where? Here are the Top Ten Stairs fails:

Posted: 15th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Photojournalism, Strange But True | Comments (2)