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Key Posts | Anorak - Part 231

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A Father’s Pop-Pee For Baby P

ANYONE not shocked and sickened by the death of Baby P, and who may be having trouble being shocked and sickened by the torture of a small child, can look through any number of newspaper articles to learn how shocked and sickened columnists are.

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Posted: 28th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (10)


Sheffield Rapist: Britain’s Josef Fritzl Is A Uniquely British Crime

HAVING been told that Josef Fritzl’s crimes could only happen in Austria, Ben Macintyre tells Times readers that the Sheffield man who made his two daughters pregnant 19 times – Britain’s Fritzl – is essentially a tale of Britishness.

The man had “an acute understanding of how modern British society can sometimes fail to see the most glaring crimes”.

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Posted: 27th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (8)


The Waterproof Guide To Scuba Sex

SCUBA diving sex. A how and when guide:

COUPLES often write into his column, asking for advice about how to have sex while scuba diving. Basically, although popular, scuba sex is not recommended. Potential problems include the inhalation of water droplets in horizontal positions (which can lead to chocking), keeping cumbersome equipment in the vertical position, losing buoyancy control when excited, and being unaware of the increased oxygen consumption required.

Stage 2:

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Posted: 27th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (4)


Daily Mirror Backs Conservative’s Slug Eating Campaign

BRIAN Reade, writing in the Mirror, says he “loves it when a Nice-But-Dim Tory reveals himself to be the kind of animal we always knew he was. One with the heart of a wolf and the brain of a slug.

“Take health spokesman Andrew Lansley who believes recession can be good for people because they will eat less.”

Reads muses: “If only the Tories had been around in 1845 when the Irish potato famine started…”

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Posted: 27th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (2)


Madeleine McCann: Baby P And Me

MADELEINE MCCANN & Baby P: What Did You Do For Them, Daddy?

The mawkish reaction to Baby P’s horrific life and death has turned into an ‘I was there moment’.

Up and down the land young faces are turning to parents and guardians and asking: “What did you do for Baby, P?”

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Posted: 26th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (79)


I’m A Celebrity: Mallett Snookered By McLean

TIMMY Mallett has been “HAMMERED” by his wife (Sun) and then “Bashed” (Star) by Nicola and Carly.

First up to have a go at Mallett is Mrs Lynda Mallet, who says of her man in the day-glo shorts, “He’s an annoying git.”

And it’s hard not to like him for it as Timmy laughs long and too loud at Robert Kilroy-Silk, a man who if he was half as fascinating to others as he is to himself would be stood in a glass box at the British Museum.

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Posted: 25th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (6)


Pre-Budget Report: Darling Brings Us In From The Arctic Monkeys

CAN Britons civil servants and public sector workers buy enough HD-ready televisions to bring the country back from the gaping maw of depression?

Gordon Brown says yes, adding:  

“With any luck a pre-budget report will provide more work for the key public sector demographic. If it works, we’ll be looking to introduce a pre-pre budget report and push on from there to a concerted pre-pre-pre budget report and, paper willing, a pre-pre-pre-pre budget report.” 

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Posted: 25th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Money | Comments (7)


Fire At Will: British Police Get Stun Gun Tasers

NEWS on the wires that police officers will be given 10,000 Taser stun guns. They’re regulation issue.

Specially trained officers will be able to use the 50,000-volt weapons when faced with the threat of serious violence, says the Home Office.

Good news, then, for the police. Stick a magnet on the end and when deployed the wires glue the perp’s knife and make him dance like a demented John Sergeant.

But not everyone is happy.

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Posted: 24th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (5)


A Good Stuffing: Gordon Ramsay’s Naked Lunch

THAT’S panicky TV chef Gordon Ramsay on the front page of the Sun (“Don’t mention the F-word”), Mail, Mirror (“IN THE SOUP”) and Star (“Becks saves Gord”).

Is the F-word football? Is Ramsay teaming up with the Beckhams on Celebrity Soup Kitchen, in which celebrities try to survive in a suburban shopping precinct, enduring a series of Borough Tucker Challenges, such as eating kebab remnants and bin diving for used condoms?

The Mail clears up the confusion by its prosaic headline: “’Family man’ Gordon Ramsay is accused of seven-year affair.” Yeah, the f is for “f*****g, a thought that is never too far from Ramsay’s lips.

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Posted: 24th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment


Nebraska’s Butt Bandit Comes To A Sticky End

TO Nebraska, where the Butt Bandit has been tracked down. The actions of a “lone deviant” are at an, er, end.

As reported:

Since spring 2007, imprints of an individual’s naked behind – created with lotion or petroleum jelly – have been appearing on windows of businesses in Valentine, Cherry County.

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Posted: 23rd, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (5)


Gordon Brown Reacts As Sarah Palin Boost Turkey Sales

SARAH Palin gets to see Turkey from her house, and the press gobbles it up.

The LA Times wonders if the birds can be killed after they’ve died. And Americans choke on their murder burgers and go mad for vegetarianism:

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Posted: 23rd, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comment (1)


NBC Cancels Global Warming

WHO knew that global warming could just be cancelled, it being, after all, a media phenomena:

NBC Universal made the first of potentially several rounds of staffing cuts at The Weather Channel (TWC) on Wednesday, axing the entire staff of the “Forecast Earth” environmental program during the middle of NBC’s “Green Week,” as well as several on-camera meteorologists.

A cold wind.

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Posted: 23rd, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (2)


The BNP List Is A Dead Loss

THAT leaked list of BNP members continues to make headlines.

The Sun leads with the news, “Palace pair are in BNP”. This is illustrated by a picture of not the dear old Queen Mum, but Her Majesty.

Inside, the members are revealed to be HRH “storeman Paul Murray and a retired porter”.

As a source tells the paper:

“Although his [Murray] name is on the list he has told us that it is only on there because he was invited to a social event that he did not attend.”

Also on the list is a Talk Sport Radio DJ called Rod Lucas. He says he joined up for “journalist research”.

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Posted: 23rd, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (53)


Baby P: Like Diana’s Death, I Was There

TO the Sun the story of Baby P is being told in numbers and gestures.

The big news is that 700,000 people have signed its cut-out-and-send petition that calls for members of Haringey social service and medical staff to be sacked.

At the cemetery where Baby P’s ashes are scattered, the Sun has erected a plaque to “BABY P”. It’s a land grab for readers’ hearts and minds.

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Posted: 23rd, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (13)


Sarah Palin Shows Gordon Ramsay How Meat Is Murder

SARAH Palin shows the US that the turkey on their plate was once alive and full of blood and brains.

The US rears between 250million and 300million turkey for laughter each year.

And in the LA Times strict vegan Elizabeth Snead notes:

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin pardons Tom the Turkey, then blabbles on, making little to no sense (as usual), while talking turkey and politics to a news crew. What she does not know is that at least two helpless turkeys are being slaughtered alive in the background, their legs wiggling as their heads are stuffed into a grinder by a smiling camera-hog executioner.

Nice to see someone who enjoys their work, huh?

Slaughtered alive. The swine! Can’t the killers wait for the birds to die in their sleep and then kill them?

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Posted: 22nd, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (10)


Come All Ye Faithful: The Madonna of Orgasm Church

“THE orgasm is God, the orgasm should be worshiped,” says Carlos Bebeacua from Lövestad in southern Sweden in the Kvällsposten newspaper.

“The orgasm is the ultimate feeling of lust, it shouldn’t be limited to ejaculation. You can reach it through art or by looking at a landscape and thinking ‘Wow!’”

Henceforth the Madonna of Orgasm Church (Orgasmens Madonnas kyrka). Last week a court ruled it had the right to be registered as a faith community.

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Posted: 22nd, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (3)


Madeleine McCann: Do Libel Laws Damage The Investigation?

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

IN The New Year, a House of Commons inquiry will investigate press standards, privacy and libel laws.

The cross-party Culture, Media and Sport Committee is now looking for views on a wide range of key topics affecting the press from newspaper publishers and any other interested parties.

The case of missing Madeleine McCann will be high on the agenda.

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Posted: 22nd, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (155)


Baby P: The Mother Revealed, Dad’s Grief And The X Factor

BABY P Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Baby P in the news…

DAILY MIRROR: “Baby P mum bid for new ID after jail”

Who’s to say she will get out of jail?

The mother of tragic Baby P could get a new identity when released from jail, it emerged last night.

Could. Such are the facts…

Tory MP Philip Davies said: “The taxpayer may have a huge bill to protect her rights. It’s offensive.”

May. Such is the outrage…

THE SUN: “A father’s grief for tragic Baby P”

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Posted: 22nd, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (17)


Go West Luck Bronx Mowgli Wentz

OH, the simple joys the of the celebrity name. We look forward to them as we humans once used to look forward to the names of atom bombs, new sexually transmitted diseases and colonised lands.

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Posted: 21st, November 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)


Nicola McLean’s Optics Illusion To Timmy Mallett’s Little Kilroy-Silk

IN the I’m A Celebrity Jungle “our Nicola” McLean “has still got her boobs out”.

Only she hasn’t. Nicola’s boobs remain restrained in her top waiting for the moment when despair takes root in the celebrity camp and she can uncork out her nipples and dispense a hearty broth (left) and nip of gin (right) to one and all.

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Posted: 21st, November 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment


GM Ford And Crysler Keep The American Dream Burning

THREE CEOs – Rick Wagoner of GM, Alan Mulally of Ford, and Robert Nardelli of Chrysler – are supporting the beleaguered trade in private jets by refusing to travel by anything else.

As ABC news reports:

THE CEOs of the big three automakers flew to the nation’s capital yesterday in private luxurious jets to make their case to Washington that the auto industry is running out of cash and needs $25 billion in taxpayer money to avoid bankruptcy. Even as their companies fail, Ford and GM CEOs continue lavish lifestyles.

Hats off to the trio for reminding the politicos wrestling with the economic crisis what it is Americans are fighting for. It’s the American dream, stoopid.

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Posted: 20th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (8)


Baseball For Jesus And Jews In Hell

ANORAK’S look at religion making news.

FROM the Rapture Ready site:

Just last night after baseball practice, my 11yr old son and I were driving home when someone almost pulled out in front of us. It could have been a bad accident. After I blew my horn and mumbled to myself about how ignorant some people could be, my 11yr old said “Oh well….we would have just gotten to Heaven a little sooner. You know how much I like baseball, Dad, but I am ready to go now.”

Strike one…

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Posted: 19th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (12)


Bush And Brown To Invest In Piracy, The World’s Growth Industry

PIRACY is booming. It’s the world’s growth industry.

Over the newswires, Anorak learns that a Hong Kong cargo ship has been attacked by pirates in the Gulf of Aden near the Yemen coast.

The good ship Delight is loaded with 36,000 tonnes of wheat.

Says one UN insider:

“They’ve got oil for heating and fuel, and now they’ve got wheat. If they can hijack a boat carrying the G20 leaders, they will have democracy.”

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Posted: 19th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (7)


NHS Doctor Admits To Terrorism, ‘If You Want To Be Technical About It’

NHS Doctor Admits To Terrorism, “If You Want to Be Technical About It”, by David Burge, Anorak Satire Correspondent

AN NHS DOCTOR accused of car bombings in London and Glasgow has admitted in court that he is a terrorist according to English law.

“Sure, I guess, if you insist on stereotyping anybody who blows up a few car bombs or drives a flaming Jeep into an airport as a quote-unquote ‘terrorist,'” said Bilal Abdulla, 29, sarcastically making air quote gestures with burnt stubby fingers as prosecutors read him the legal definition of terrorism.

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Posted: 18th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts | Comments (10)


A Cockatoo With Every Happy Meal

McDONALD’S is giving out a free endangered animal with every Happy Meal.

Hold on a moment, smiling animal killer, that whale is not for eating. Sure the gherkin fits neatly over it’s blow hole, and the fighting wallaby’s pouch serves as a decent pot for your curry sauce, but these animals are stuffed toys.

So, don’t worry kids. Keep eating that ground up cow and that mashed up and shaped chicken. Those animals are not endangered, nor are calves and baby chicks in the least bit cute.

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Posted: 18th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comment