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Key Posts | Anorak - Part 232

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Flagging Economy: I’m Backing Britain, Again

“SPEND, spend, spend” is the order of the day, as we are urged to do our patriotic duty and buy British in an attempt to get the economy moving. But haven’t we heard this somewhere before?

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Posted: 15th, January 2009 | In: Flashback, Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (9)


Alien Microbes Emit Gas On Mars

THE Sun tells Earthlings that “ALIEN microbes living just below the Martian soil are responsible for a haze of methane around the Red Planet.”

Out goes the theory that the red planet was the cosmos’s knocking shop, a beacon for sex and debauchery.

Last week, the Sun brought news that aliens had damaged a wind turbine in Lincolnshire.

There were lights in the skies. Shapes in the skies. Aliens in command of the kind of advanced technology that would make our heads spin had piloted their state-of-the-art machine into a metal windmill.

On the aliens home planet, an investigation is endeavouring to discover if the pilot had imbibed too much space dust and the onboard satnav malfunctioned.

Back to Mars, and the news that we’re next:

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Posted: 15th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (2)


The Torture Of Wearing A Man Bra: Crawford Confesses

SUSAN Crawford, A “senior member of the Bush administration,” says inmates were tortured at Guantanamo Bay. Well, she says one was:

Saudi national, Mohammed al-Qahtani, 30, was accused of involvement in the 9/11 attack. US authorities refer to him as the “20th hijacker”.

What of his torture? Says Crawford:

“For 160 days his only contact was with the interrogators. Forty-eight of 54 consecutive days of 18-to-20-hour interrogations. Standing naked in front of a female agent. Subject to strip searches. And insults to his mother and sister.”

Worse than it sounds, no doubt. The Guardian says it was “torture”.

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Posted: 15th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comment


Bernie Madoff Writes

BERNIE Madoff, the man who used his own greed to tap into the greed of his investors, who confessed to stealing $50 billion, resides under house arrest in his $7 million Upper East Side penthouse.

Prosecutors argue that Madoff should have his bail revoked and be sent to jail because – get this – he might not be all that honest and trying to break the law by secreting monies away.

When he’s not, allegedly, writing checks for £173million – prosecutors claim to have found 100 signed checks worth $173 million in Bernard Madoff’s desk – he’s penning letters to his neighbours:

Dear Neighbors,

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Posted: 15th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Money | Comments (3)


Madeleine McCann: The Evening Standard Donates, Simon MacMillan And Gerry’s Hope

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

THE SUN: “Maddie hunt trip gives Gerry hope”

GERRY McCann returned home yesterday after “positive” talks in Portugal on the hunt for missing daughter Madeleine.

Any facts?

Mr McCann is”40”.

EVENING STANDARD: “Kate and Gerry McCann”

As readers will recall, since Madeleine McCann’s abduction in May 2007, The Evening Standard has covered the story extensively and reported developments in the police investigation and search for Madeleine.

Well, yes, the Standard and every other news organ…

During the last few months of 2007 we, along with much of the media, published a number of articles which may have been understood to suggest that Kate and Gerry McCann may have been involved in Madeleine’s disappearance.

May have been understood? Could the paper be less specific?

We regret this and wish to make clear, for the avoidance of any doubt, that we fully accept that there is no evidence whatsoever to suggest that Kate and Gerry were involved in the disappearance of their daughter.

Good that the Standard accepts that with no proof and no evidence of any crime having been committed, the missing girl’s parents are not guilty of hamring their own daughter. How’s that for, er, standards?

We continue to support Kate and Gerry in their search for Madeleine. There is no evidence that Madeleine has come to any harm and clearly there are people out there who know where she is.

“Continue to support”? But didn’t the Standard write things that “may have been understood” to be less than supporting?

Therefore we are today calling on Evening Standard readers to redouble their efforts to find Madeleine. We have now made a very substantial donation to assist with the search and are continuing to run adverts in the foreign editions of our sister paper, the Daily Mail, asking for information which might lead to Madeleine being found.

A donation. And an apology. What happened, then, to bring about such largesse?

We wish Kate and Gerry all the best and will continue to work with them to help find their daughter.

“Continue…”

Just yesterday the Mail, the Standard’s sister organ, told readers:

Mr McCann said he was unaware of how much money remained in the Find Madeleine Fund but admitted his family had “scarce resources and did not want to waste them”.

Waste them on… lawyers?

As the Mail said of the Daily Express’s case with the McCanns and subsequent “donation“:

Media lawyer Paul Gilbert, from the firm Finers Stephens Innocent, said: “Clearly the Express’s lawyers felt this was a case they should settle without a high-profile trial and as a result have saved considerable costs.

“It certainly is a warning sign to newspapers in the future – if they’re going to speculate, they’ve got to be very careful about what they speculate about.”

THE SCOTSMAN: “Madeleine expert joins Uist search”

AN EXPERT who reviewed the hunt for Madeleine McCann has been called in to try to help solve the mystery of the Merchant Navy cadet who disappeared on South Uist early on Boxing Day.

The failed search for Madeleine McCann is now a career defining moment for many, and no barrier to future employment.

As the search for Simon MacMillan, 21, goes on, a new team of police dogs from the mainland was sent to the Hebridean island yesterday. Police have also drafted in Mark Harrison, the national search adviser to the National Policing Improvement Agency, who was brought in to the search for Madeleine after police drew a blank.

And after Mr Harrison drew a blank…

Madeleine McCann is missing, and after months of speculation and innuendo, she remains missing…

Posted: 15th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (28)


Media Studies: The BBC Is The Daily Express Broadcast Corporation

OK, the aforesaid headline is not entirelty true. The Daily Express has its own broadcast unit – the straight-to-tissues Fantasy Channel.

But it’s those BBC phone polls that are so very like the phone polls in the Express.

Newspapers hold phone polls for the same reason that Saddam Hussein used to hold the occasional election – not to provide an objective measure of public opinion, but to see how close to 100% of the vote they could get.

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Posted: 14th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comment (1)


Prince Harry’s Shame: Hal’s Admits To Having A ‘Paki’ Friend

PRINCE Harry’s popularity has been on the wane in Pakistan ever since he decided to attend a party dressed as Adolf Hitler and NOT local celebrity Osama bin Laden.

In a bid to repair the damage Harry has befriended a “Paki”, but it might be too little, too late.

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Posted: 14th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (42)


Sooty And Weep: The Top Ten Royal Family Nicknames

KOLIN Dhillon is 58. He is, says the Telegraph, a multi-millionaire property developer in Gloucestershire. He is a member of the Cirencester Park Polo Club. His nickname is Sooty.

Prince Charles and his two sons, Harry ‘Paki‘ Baseball Cap and Wills, “always referred to him as Sooty whenever they meet”.

Behind his back they called him “Doogle”, Mr Dhillon, “little Paki” and “Smudger”.

Mr Dhillon says the Sooty nickname as a “term of affection”.

“I have to say, you know you have arrived when you acquire a nickname!”

Indeed, when Prince Philip arrived from Greece, he was delighted to be called “Nick”, the “BFG” (Big Fat Greek – he was carrying some timber at the time), Zorba, Kaiser and “Ni**er”.

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Posted: 14th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (5)


Madeleine McCann: Gerry McCann Returns, Paedos And Yorkshire Ripper

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

DAILY MIRROR: “MADDY’S DAD IN ALGARVE TO PUSH FOR NEW HUNT”

Maddy.

Gerry McCann flew back to Portugal yesterday in the hope of reviving the hunt for missing daughter Madeleine.

Madeleine McCann.

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Posted: 14th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (24)


The Top 10 Intifada Cup Sing-Alongs

HAMAS FC are on tour in London and in anticipation of Intifada Cup (“It’s a Mickey Mouse Cup and thus part of the Zionist conspiracy” – E.I.Adio) Anorak brings you the Top Ten Hooligan Chants, you’re likely to hear.

Pull on your Gaza Strip and (ok, get on with it – Ed):

Christian Druze FC Ultra’s favoured taunt to Islamic Jihad Athletic

Come and Allah go if you think you’re hard enough

To Un Secretary General Ban Ki-moon, sung by al-Aqsa Martyrs

Moon, Moon
Wherever you maybe,
You eat dogs in your home country,
It could be worse,
You could be Maus
Eating Arabs in me granny’s old house

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Posted: 13th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (4)


The Ten Best Acting Awards Speeches Of All Time

KATE Winslet accepts her Golden Globe and re-enact Meg Ryan’s famous scene from when Harry Met Sally.

After Winslet’s gush and Gwyneth Paltow’s Oscar spew, the stage is cleared for the Anorak Awards Show.

Here are the 10 Best Awards Acceptance Speeches Ever.

Before we go on, I’d just like to thank everybody I’ve ever met: Dr Patel, Midwife Jane, Elizabeth Rex, Bob, Tim, Lucy, Petra the tortoise, Danny, Bill the cabbie, Patricia, Judy, Fran, mum…

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Posted: 13th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)


Madeleine McCann: Slumdog Millionaire, Gaza, Tories And Demons

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann featuring: Slumdog Millionaire, Gaza, the Conservative Party and Demons

DAILY HERALD: “We can’t gloss over the brutal abuse of children”

Colette Douglas Home has been to the cinema to see Slumdog Millionaire with her daughter.

Her daughter turns to her:

“Weren’t you upset by the child abuse,” she asked. That’s when I remembered the child abuse; and that’s why I’m feeling uneasy about my initial reaction to the film as well as its Golden Globe success.

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Posted: 13th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (51)


How To Win An Oscar: A Guide

ALL actors dream of winning an Oscar. But the odds on doing so are tougher than Laura Bush’s Nicotine path.

But Anorak is here to help. We have examined past winners and can now bring thesps our print-out-and-keep guide to winning an Oscar love toy.

How To Win An Oscar

Module 1: The Script

* Does it contain a good Nazi?

* Does it contain a bad Nazi?

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Posted: 12th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)


Kate Winslet Rejoices As Nazis Win Golden Globe Again

ARMBANDS off to Kate Winslet who has won the Golden Globe for best supporting actress for her role in The Reader.

Having missed out on a gong for her portrayal of Leonardo DiCaprio’s mum in Titanic, Our Kate has finally brought home some much need precious metal.

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Posted: 12th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)


Prince Harry, The Paki And The Raghead

THE News of The World says Prince Harry three years ago did call a person a “paki” and referred to others as “ragheads.”

St. James’s Palace says Prince Harry did not intend much by it – it being him joshing about.

Here’s the round-up. And – get his – Harry is now Jade Goody…

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Posted: 10th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (30)


Madeleine McCann: Top Young Tory Matthew Lewis Dresses Up As Maddy

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

UPDATE – here.

Matthew Lewis, a member of Conservative Future (CF), writes on his Facebook page that his New Year’s Ever costume for a fancy dress would feature a blonde wig, “pink pyjamas, a teddy bear and a vial of fake blood”.

Yeah, he’s coming round the corner when he comes, dressed as Madeleine McCann. Here he comes. And there he goes – and with it his political career.

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Posted: 9th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (30)


The Top Ten New Crisp Flavours

PASS the Cajun squirrel-flavoured crisps.

Other crisp flavours that may soon be hitting he shelves are:

Chilli and chocolate.
Crispy duck
Onion bhaji
Fish and chips
Builder’s breakfast

Crisp firm Walkers wants crisp enthusiasts to suggest a 21st century rival to our old favourites.

Anorak has conducted its own poll and brings you the Top Ten British Crisp Flavours:

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Posted: 9th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Photojournalism, Strange But True | Comments (7)


Rogue Trader II: Nick Leeson Reviews Gordon Brown Sequels

ROGUE Trader II promises to be the summer’s big British blockbuster. In Rogue Trader, Nick Leeson managed to bring down merchant bank Barings Bank and find fame.

Gordon Brown watched and made notes and can be seen, as Lesson says, “throwing someone else’s money at the problem rather than facing up to his original mistakes”. Gordon’s well-thumbed copy of Leeson’s Fiscal Guide is always to hand.

Others looked on with envy. Could they do a Leeson and be just as famous? The Leeson franchise was born:

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Posted: 9th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Money | Comments (2)


2009: Anorak’s Diary

2009 – That Was The Year That Was: Anorak’s diary for the upcoming 12 months…

JANUARY

Barack Obama makes history as the first African-American sworn in as President of the United States; Invoking legacy of Franklin Roosevelt, promises America “nine years of economic depression, four years of world war, eventual nuking of Japan”

Obama supporters left disappointed as oceans remain at static levels, planet fails to heal self, Dow drops below zero

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Posted: 8th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (21)


Terrorists Target Jews Sugar, Winehouse and Ronson: Blair Outraged

ALAN Sugar is on a “Hit List” of prominent UK Jews to be offed by Islamists. So says the Sun, which leads with “TERROR TARGET SUGAR”.

Given Sugar’s beard, his “You’re fired” catchprase on The Apprentice and gruff demeanour, on reading the headline Anorak supposed Sugar was being less targeted than wooed by the new brown shirts to overhaul their recruitment policy.

Reading on, the Sun talks of “fears” that a list is being drawn up, and that the one who fears most is “British anti-terror expert Glen Jenvey”. He “is convinced online forum Ummah is being used to prepare a deadly backlash against UK Jews”.

On the Ummah site, “Saladin1970” asks for help compiling “a list of those who support Israel”.
“Abuislam” asks: “Have we got a list of top Jews we can target? Can someone post names and addresses?”

Names given include: Sugar, DJ Mark Ronson, Foreign Secretary David Miliband and Amy Winehouse. That’s a real kick in the teeth to the likes of Alan Yentob, the BBC bigwig who must have fancied himself to be a target.

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Posted: 8th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (24)


Marks & Spencer Bag A Life Campaign

MARKS and Spencer says it is closing 27 stores and releasing 1,230 staff.

In these hard times it’s not easy being a greengrocer, and in a bid to save still more costs, M&S has altered one of its TV adverts to include an address to staff.

Now Piers Morgan will pause from extolling the juiciness of his rump and be seen sat before huge a red button.

So as not to cause undue distress, Morgan’s voice will be dubbed by Dervla Kirwan (6:30 ITV1) and David Jason (7:45 ITV2).

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Posted: 8th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Money | Comment


10 Things You Didn’t Know About Farting, With Paris Hilton And Barack Obama

FARTING is sure to catch on. And to be prepared, here are Anorak’s Top Facts About Farting:

1. Barack Obama was schooled in Indonesia, where farting is considered an art form on a par with finger painting.

2. In times of recession, sales of baked beans and vegetables and raisins soar. Scientists at the North American Institute Of Global Warming calculate that the Arctic began to break up in the 1970s, when, ironically, power cuts and the three day week were at their height.

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Posted: 6th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (3)


Freedom For the Islamic Republic Of Southall, Sharia Capital Of Britain

WHEN Islam takes over the UK, Anjem Choudary says the capital should be in Southall.

Southall as the UK’s administrative district has much going for it, and could well become the UK’s answer to Canberra, a place as far removed from romanticised visions of sun-bleached Australia as you can get without actually being a foreign country.

Says Choudary:

“We will rise up. We will rise up, my dear Muslims. One day we shall have Sharia here. And who know, maybe even Southall can be the capital of the Islamic state when we conquer it.”

Can Southall be conquered? Can a veil be drawn around it?

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Posted: 5th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (4)


Metropolitan Police Advertising On Google For Right-Wing Extremists

THE Metropolitan Police is advertising on Google for Right-Wing Extremists:

Right Wing Extremist – Suspect it? Report it. Your call could be vital to us.

You’d think the Met would be chock full of staff from this key demographic. But needs must.

Other adverts in the offing will call for:

* Muslim Extremists
* Catholic Extremists
* Left–Wing Extremists
* Apathetic Extremists
* Anarchists
* Enthusiasts of any other persuasion.

The Met is an equal opportunities employer.

The Met’s site includes this illumination:

Further examples of suspicious activity

Van Passport Chemicals Information

And:

Funding Protective equipment Travel Storage

So if you see a White Van Man, a padlock, a bag, a credit card or more ‘things’call the police. And if you’re a right wing extremist, do call in person…

Spotter, Via

Posted: 5th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (10)


The Top Ten Cars To Burn In Paris

ISRAEL and the Palestinians are giving hacks a break from the credit crunch, waiting for Obama, ignoring the rest of the world (does South America exist?) and writing lists of what to do in 2009.

In France the situation is a trigger for a bout of voiture flambee, the country’s signature dish. Later we’ll bring you the Top Ten Cars To Burn In Paris. But for now:

Protesters set cars on fire and several luxury store windows, such as the Louis Pion watch store, were smashed and looted by protesters by evening.

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Posted: 4th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comment