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The Thrice-Cursed Enemies Of Kim Jong-Il

FROM the desk of the Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Il, aka Kim Jong-Not-Ill-In-Any Way-But-In-Rude-Health-So-Watchout, of North Korea, and not that of Gordon Brown:

Heading: “S. Korean Puppet Plot-Breeding Group’s Anti-DPRK Sabotage Moves Disclosed”

Pyongyang, December 18 (KCNA) — The moves of the puppet plot-breeding group of south Korea to sabotage the DPRK have recently reached an extremely reckless and dangerous phase. A spokesman for the Ministry of State Security of the DPRK issued a statement Thursday in this regard.

Ahem:

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Posted: 20th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comment


Cliff Richard To Get Mobile Memorial In Wimbledon’s Centre Court

SIR Cliff Richard is not dead, but one day he might be.

Says Cliff:

“There is a family plot where my father and mother are buried but I have been assured that when I do pass on a lot of fans will want to pay homage to me and visit my grave, so that family plot might not be suitable.”

Adding:

“Perhaps I should think of a last resting place that is more accessible to people.”

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Posted: 19th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (10)


Tumour In Baby’s Brain Contained Body Parts And A Foot

DR. Paul Grabb is operating on three-day-old Sam Esquibel at Memorial Hospital for Children.

An MRI scan suggests a microscopic tumor on the newborn’s brain.

The skull if opened and Dr Grabb (indeed) pulls out a baby’s foot and assorted body parts. Says he:

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Posted: 18th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (3)


2008: Gordon Brown’s Non Celebrity Celebrity Year

GORDON Brown is not a celebrity. And that’s good.

Says Gordon Brown, serious politician:

I think we’re moving from this period when, if you like, celebrity matters, when people have become famous for being famous. I think you can see that in other countries too – people are moving away from that to what lies behind the character and the personality.”

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Posted: 17th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (3)


Cake Nazi: No Cake For You Little Adolf Hitler Campbell

HAPPY birthday, Adolf Hitler!

For he’s a jolly good…

It’s master (race) Hitler’s third birthday. A grinning blur of blond hair and blue-eyes, Hitler is celebrating his third birthday in some style.

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Posted: 17th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (5)


Fast Food Rivals React To Burger King Perfume

BURGER King has brought its scent to market, allowing fans of ready-to-wear meat-based products to smell of friend beef, onions, gherkin, cardboard, bun, a flash of toilet-door-left-open-wee and ketchup away from the shopping precinct, playground and bus.

Flame “captures the essence of that love and gives it to you. Behold the scent of seduction, with a hint of flame-broiled meat.”

Bitches will not be able to resist the smell of Flame, literally, sniffing at your genitalia, nibbling your body parts and taking a huge chunck of flesh from your inner thigh in an orgy only David Attenborough can imagine.

Bitches will go crazy for your whopper! Hey, if it worked for Elvis.

With Flame selling like hot beef sandwiches, other will bring their own scents to the fore, competing for market share.

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Posted: 16th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Money | Comments (2)


Man Killed By China’s Weather Machine

REST in pieces Wang Diange, formerly of Inner Mongolia, your remains found in the wreckage of a house where a wake had been taking place.

The rain was falling. The thunder was clapping. And the mourners heard a loud explosion. Half the roof was blown off.

Wang has been killed by the storm. He is sent to the crematorium.

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Posted: 16th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (3)


Iraqi Shoe Chucker ‘Munty’ Muntadar To Play For England

GOOD news that Iraqi journalist and champion shoe tosser Muntadar al-Zeidi has unearthed a British granny and can play cricket for England.

But first he must be released from where he is having the souls of his feet mercilessly tickled.

The Sun says:

“Thousands of Iraqis took to the streets…to demand the release” of the man many are calling “The New Botham”.

The Suns adds:

“They yelled in Arabic: ‘This is a farewell kiss, you dog…this is from the widows, the orphans and those who were killed in Iraq!”

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Posted: 16th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comments (7)


Muntader al-Zaidi And The Ten Worst Protests Ever

WHAT next for Muntader al-Zaidi, the shoe thrower of old Baghdad? A spot of badinage on his socked feet?

As al-Zaidi languishes in jail, Anorak notes how unfazed Bush was by the attack. If the protest was to make Bush look bad, the protest failed.

In the sprit of the times, Anorak brings you the Top Ten Worst Protests Ever.

Star Wars For Fanboys

Star Wars” fans attempted to hold protests in support of Kyle Newman’s unreleased “Fanboys” movie at Friday’s screenings of the Weinstein Co.’s “Superhero Movie” on both coasts, but whether any substantial protest occurred is a subject of debate.

A “Star Wars” fan group known as the 501st called for fellow fans to show up at the AMC Theatres in New York and Los Angeles. The 501st claims 14 members showed up in New York and, when confronted by two security guards, chose to go inside and pay to see “21” instead.

Iraq The Model

Iraq War protester-hippies poured red paint on the sidewalk outside of an Army recruitment office today. When a recruiter — who, along with his colleagues, was counter-protesting — noticed the spill, he asked some hippies what impact pouring red paint on the sidewalk has on the war. One hippie responded along the lines of, “It’s the blood of foreign countries that you’ve spilled.” The recruiter responded with something about bringing peace to the Middle East. This really happened. They each went their own ways after a minute or so — the hippie back to his hippie mob which was chanting “fuck the war!”; the recruiter back to his Army friends who were responding with “win the war!” (although it might have been “bring the war!” which is, well, terrible). Between these two groups was a puddle of red paint on the sidewalk, claiming naive pedestrians one-by-one.

Shrink-Wrapped Humans

IT’S World Vegetarian Week and the animal lovers at Peta are showing how much they care for all creatures by wrapping  their interns up in cellophane on a hot day to protest cruelty against animals.

When officers inquired about the well-being of intern Shawn Herbold and volunteer Thomas Olsen, a sweat-soaked Herbold replied that she was in pain and feeling nauseated from the heat after being wrapped in cellophane for 30 minutes, and also asked how much longer she needed to stay there.

They shoot horses, strangle chickens and stun gun cows; oh, and hang, draw and quarter pigs:

Byrne let her know it wouldn’t be much longer and left her under the hot afternoon sun for 30 minutes more while debating with the officers. PETA would never treat a cow that way, but I guess it’s OK for an intern.

Jon Drummon Says Not Fair

To the athletic world championships in Paris 2004.

Former American champion Jon Drummond and Jamaica’s Asafa Powell were disqualified for false starts in a heat.

An angry Drummond refused to accept the ruling, staging an impromptu sit-in. After appealing to officials, the 34-year-old American laid down in the middle of the track to multiple hoots and whistles from the Parisian crowd.

Jamaican Dwight Thomas was first called for a false start, and under the new IAAF rules, only one false start is allowed per race. After that, any athlete called for jumping the gun is disqualified. Both Drummond and Powell were caught moving too quickly in the re-start.

Race officials eventually postponed the heat before completing it later in the afternoon. Drummond remained visibly distraught as he moved onto the grass beside the track.

Three Fans React With Fury As Kevin Keegan Resigns

The Sun said the fans had gathered to protest the sacking of King Kev. How many? Six. Six fans. “ASHLEY WISE OUT,” said the legend on the piece of cardboard.

Back again live to the scene and three fans are shouting at traffic. Back again, and there are two of them…

Such was the fury…

Posted: 15th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (10)


Russell Brand Strictly Come Dancing Vote Nightmare

MORE BBC phone awfulness as Russell Brand makes a call to Strictly Come Dancing.

“Sickly Cum Revolting,” screams the Mail. “Dancing into a storm.”

“Angry Strictly Come Dancing fans have demanded their money back after the voting shambles that hit Saturday night’s show.”

Russell brand’s text vote for “pro” dancer Camilla Dallerup was counted. The Mail is outraged, so too is Blue Peter garden survivalist and potato penis polisher Esther Rantzen:

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Posted: 15th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (4)


Nickelodeon’s Big Green Global Challenge Brain Wash Game

THE Climate Kinder have a new weapon: The Big Green Help Global Challenge.

In an effort to educate and encourage action, Nickelodeon is set to release what could be the first ever online multiplayer video game that deals with environmental issues. As a component of the broader Big Green Help initiative, the game will tie together an overall theme that the company launched on Earth Day last April.

Earth Day is when you, er, turn off electrical things and sit in the dark marvelling at how terrific electrical things are.

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Posted: 14th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (3)


How To Finger A Chicken On German TV

PETA has noticed the antics of German TV farmer Hansi who has been “sexually abusing chickens”.

The 71-year-old rose to prominence on the fourth series of German TV’s Bauer sucht Frau’ (“The Farmer wants a Wife”) – soon to be renamed: the Famer Wants A Bigger Chicken.

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Posted: 14th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (3)


Pardon: Rod Blagojevich Offers Senate Seat To George Bush

A MAN throws his shoe at George Bush in Iraq.

He misses. George Bush smiles. Says George Bush:

I’m OK. It doesn’t bother me. So what if he threw a shoe at me. All I can report is it is a size 10.

You’ll miss him when he’s gone…

As one pundit puts it:

“The single best thing about the election of Obama,” he says, “may be that we now have a chance to view the terror threat without the distorting lens of Bush hatred.”

That’s Obama, whose name is being muddied by association with Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, you know the guy who offered the U.S. Senate seat to the cop who arrested him.

The American electorate is waiting for that other shoe to drop…

Posted: 14th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (4)


Peddling Grief: Baby S Comes After Baby P

THE SUNDAY Mirror delivers Sean, a “NEW BABY P”.

The grief-peddling paper goes on:

Scandal of Baby S: 18-month-old taken off at-risk register and killed by his mother

Baby S? Well, with the Baby P story running out of steam, it’s time for some more baby Porn. Some see. Pull out a hankie.

Tragic toddler Sean Denton – left by Social Services to die at the hands of his drug-abusing mother who had already served a jail sentence for manslaughter.

Terrible stuff. Shocking. But Sean Denton’s life and death is not as brutal a story as that of Baby P’s, whose mother awaits sentencing. But perhaps if the Sunday Mirror can call him Baby S it can look like a progression of the Baby P story?

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Posted: 14th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (6)


The Kim Il Jong Dog Zoo And Farm

TO North Korea where supreme leader General Secretary Kim Jong Il give  a salutatory warning that all dogs are for study purposes and not for other pursuits:

Pyongyang, December 11 (KCNA) — The number of rare animals is steadily increasing at the Central Zoo at the foot of picturesque Mt. Taesong.

General Secretary Kim Jong Il made sure that the Central Zoo was reconstructed on an expansion basis, indicated an orientation and ways of sprucing it up well under a long-term plan and sent many rare animals to it in order to provide people with better conditions for cultural and emotional life.

At least 650 animals of more than 100 species have been sent to the zoo in more than 40 installments this year to be helpful to the working people’s cultural and emotional life and the education and upbringing of youth and children.

What wonders are on show, Supreme Leader?

44 dogs of 17 species for admiration were sent to the zoo recently.

88 dogs of 24 species for admiration have been lived the zoo since January this year to please the visitors.

There are also numerous rats, mice and cockroaches…

Image: Kim Il Jong – the hair; the heels; the girls – is North Korea’s Gary Glitter. Leader!

Posted: 13th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (4)


Eoghan Quigg Has The Madeleine McCann X Factor

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

DAILY MIRROR: “NO CHEERS FOR TEARS”

It’s sardine munching Tony Parsons. He’s got mourning sickness.

If Eoghan Quigg wins The X Factor tonight, it will be because he tugged the nation’s heartstrings by sobbing like a big softy on last week’s show…Even boyband JLS would be preferable to cry-baby Quigg and his croaking, fist-punching High School Musical routines…

But cry-baby Quigg could nick it after blubbing his heart out when Diana got the boot. Personally, I thought I was going to vomit.

Sod Cowell and Tweedy’s Cry In – who’s for a game of Tabloid Bingo?

I remember when we said goodbye to another Diana, and William and Harry walked behind their mother’s coffin, their hearts breaking but their eyes dry.

Tick. Tick. Tick. (It’s a quick game.)

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Posted: 13th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (103)


The Top Ten Rod Blagojevic Fingers and Hair Pictures

ROD Blagojevich is accused of wrongdoing. Has he had his fingers in the till? Those hands and that hair – they follow you around the room…

The Top Ten Blago Hair and Hand Pics Ever. Well, call it ten. Do we understand each other?

Rod Bla -lego – vich

Posted: 12th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Photojournalism, Politicians | Comment


Knife Crime And Media Scare Stories: 1981 Revisited

“FOR David,” says the Sun’s editorial on David Idowu who was knifed to death earlier this year.

It’s a tragic water of life. But that’s enough about David, because the Sun is soon using his death to lead into a piece on the wider malaise of “Broken Britain”.

Crime figures reveal a small dip in knife crime “largely due to increased stop-and search action”. Brrr! It’s cold out there. Anyone want to fight now or wait until the summer when we get to stay out late?

The solution:

“…increasing stop and search operation.”

Cast your minds back to 1981 when the ‘Sus’ law meant anybody could be stopped and searched if officers merely suspected they might be planning to carry out a crime. In early April that year, Operation Swamp Sussed more than 1,000 people in six days.

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Posted: 12th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comment (1)


Career Suicidal Thoughts With Jon Gaunt On Matthew Norman

JON Gaunt says assisted suicide “is wrong and should never be allowed”.

Gaunt writes for the Sun, owned, like Sky, by Rupert Murdoch:

“However I fully support Sky showing the assisted suicide of Craig Ewert…on Wednesday night because at least it has kick-started a much–needed debate”

Earlier Gauny got onto the thorny matter of Matthew Norman:

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Posted: 12th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (6)


Actor Hoevels Cuts Own Throat On Stage

DANIEL Hoevels is on stage. He picks up a blunt stage weapon and makes to slice his throat.

He collapses with blood foaming from his neck. The audience stands to applaud Friedrich Schiller’s play Mary Stuart.

Bravo. How very realistic. Bravo! More!!!

But there will be no encore. Not yet.

Hoevels, 30, does not take a bow, less his head fall off and the Austrian crowd at Vienna’s Burgtheater clap all the harder.

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Posted: 11th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (4)


The 12 Most Wanted Least Wanted Football Chants And Chanters

GOOD news that two Spurs fans have been arrested for aiming homophobic chants at Portsmouth Town footballer Sol Campbell.

In all 16 suspects have been caught on camera singing songs about the player.

And once these are dealt with, the police will round up any and all other sick-midned fans. The 12 Most Wanted Least Wanted Football Chants And Chanters (NSFW):

Do you know the fans who…:

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Posted: 11th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comments (8)


Whatever Happened To Karen Matthews’ Other Baby?

SHANNON Watch: Anorak’s looks at Shannon Matthews, Karen Matthews and the greater Matthews clan…

Karen Matthews is guilty of a serious crime: she made columnists look like fools:

BEATRIX CAMPBELL: “Who do we blame?”

Compare and contrast the stories of Shannon Matthews and Madeleine McCann – and what we see is a narrative of nasty class prejudice

Shannon Matthews’ neighbourhood, community and family are poor, lacking in resources, and yet they have spontaneously displayed remarkable resourcefulness – children organised a vigil, adults went out searching for the missing child, community intelligence led the police to her. And once she was found, a party was promised.

Karen Matthews has acted appropriately throughout: she was waiting for Shannon at home; she contacted the police as soon as she had exhausted all the obvious locations.

And yet, our eye is drawn to her poverty, numbers of partners, cans of lager going into her household. Everything about Ms Matthews’ life has been up for scrutiny.

Continues for a few hundred more words…

THE SUN: ‘Let Shannon go please’”

She said Shannon’s disappearance had broken her family apart and told how she cried herself to sleep at night and could not go into her daughter’s bedroom.

She said she accepted police had to carry out criminal checks on members of her family.

DAILY EXPRESS: SHANNON MOTHER MAY BE PREGNANT

THE mother of Shannon Matthews is thought to be pregnant with her eighth child.

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Posted: 11th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (17)


Three Baby Ps A Week, Every Week

“THREE BABY Ps A WEEK,” announces the Daily Mirror on its front page.

No-one can accuse the Mirror of not offering value for money. It’s some promise but can the paper really spend half the week leading with the deaths of children?

There is the danger of readers getting a hardened heart from a diet only of grimness. Here’s what you the readers are saying about it:

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Posted: 11th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comment (1)


Kerry Katona Opens Her Sack

“ONLY me,” screeches Kerry Katona from the cover of OK!. It’s top news for those tens of Katatonics already missing her weekly column.

Kerry is cuddling her children, to: a) hide her tum-tum; b) keep warm; c) keep steady; d) show us what a proud a terrific mum she truly is?

Inside and Kerry is sat on Santa’s knee. She reaches into his sack and pulls out…

Well, can you guess? Is it?

a) A baked potato
b) A litter of wet kittens
c) Brian McFadden
d) Fern Britton’s autobiography: “Phil Her Up”

It’s e. And Kerry opens her mouth in shock. This is the “lean, man glamour mum” at work and even with her mouth agape no-one dares pops in an Iceland squirrel vol-au-vent or even a wine gum.

Says Kerry: “I’ve got brand new agent, a new me, a new figure and a brand new fresh start.”

And where else do you start but from the bottom. Which bring us to Santa, aka Mark Croft, who tells us that Kerry’s slurred speech on This Morning was down to her medication.

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Posted: 10th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (32)


Suicide Watch: Craig Ewart Is Not The Bridgend Of The World

CRAIG Ewart is being filmed dying at the Swiss clinic Dignitas.

His death will be broadcast on Sky Real Lives programme Right to Die?, Mr Ewert drinks a fatal dose of barbiturates, as prescribed by a local doctor.

His reasons:

“If I go through with it I die, as I must at some point. If I don’t go through with it, my choice is essentially to suffer and to inflict suffering on my family and then die. Possibly in a way that is considerably more stressful and painful than this way.”

Possibly.

Sky is owned by Rupert Murdoch’s news Leviathan, which also owns the Sun, where suicide is will treated with not a bit of sensation. Readers may remember Bridgend, a place the Sun was keen to label Suicide Town.

While Switzerland, with its strong sense of civic pride, gnomes and fascism is a place that actively encourages suicidal thoughts, Bridgend is something else.

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Posted: 10th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (6)