Key Posts | Anorak - Part 234

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The Top Ten New Crisp Flavours

PASS the Cajun squirrel-flavoured crisps.

Other crisp flavours that may soon be hitting he shelves are:

Chilli and chocolate.
Crispy duck
Onion bhaji
Fish and chips
Builder’s breakfast

Crisp firm Walkers wants crisp enthusiasts to suggest a 21st century rival to our old favourites.

Anorak has conducted its own poll and brings you the Top Ten British Crisp Flavours:

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Posted: 9th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Photojournalism, Strange But True | Comments (7)

Rogue Trader II: Nick Leeson Reviews Gordon Brown Sequels

ROGUE Trader II promises to be the summer’s big British blockbuster. In Rogue Trader, Nick Leeson managed to bring down merchant bank Barings Bank and find fame.

Gordon Brown watched and made notes and can be seen, as Lesson says, “throwing someone else’s money at the problem rather than facing up to his original mistakes”. Gordon’s well-thumbed copy of Leeson’s Fiscal Guide is always to hand.

Others looked on with envy. Could they do a Leeson and be just as famous? The Leeson franchise was born:

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Posted: 9th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Money | Comments (2)

2009: Anorak’s Diary

2009 – That Was The Year That Was: Anorak’s diary for the upcoming 12 months…


Barack Obama makes history as the first African-American sworn in as President of the United States; Invoking legacy of Franklin Roosevelt, promises America “nine years of economic depression, four years of world war, eventual nuking of Japan”

Obama supporters left disappointed as oceans remain at static levels, planet fails to heal self, Dow drops below zero

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Posted: 8th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (21)

Terrorists Target Jews Sugar, Winehouse and Ronson: Blair Outraged

ALAN Sugar is on a “Hit List” of prominent UK Jews to be offed by Islamists. So says the Sun, which leads with “TERROR TARGET SUGAR”.

Given Sugar’s beard, his “You’re fired” catchprase on The Apprentice and gruff demeanour, on reading the headline Anorak supposed Sugar was being less targeted than wooed by the new brown shirts to overhaul their recruitment policy.

Reading on, the Sun talks of “fears” that a list is being drawn up, and that the one who fears most is “British anti-terror expert Glen Jenvey”. He “is convinced online forum Ummah is being used to prepare a deadly backlash against UK Jews”.

On the Ummah site, “Saladin1970” asks for help compiling “a list of those who support Israel”.
“Abuislam” asks: “Have we got a list of top Jews we can target? Can someone post names and addresses?”

Names given include: Sugar, DJ Mark Ronson, Foreign Secretary David Miliband and Amy Winehouse. That’s a real kick in the teeth to the likes of Alan Yentob, the BBC bigwig who must have fancied himself to be a target.

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Posted: 8th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (24)

Marks & Spencer Bag A Life Campaign

MARKS and Spencer says it is closing 27 stores and releasing 1,230 staff.

In these hard times it’s not easy being a greengrocer, and in a bid to save still more costs, M&S has altered one of its TV adverts to include an address to staff.

Now Piers Morgan will pause from extolling the juiciness of his rump and be seen sat before huge a red button.

So as not to cause undue distress, Morgan’s voice will be dubbed by Dervla Kirwan (6:30 ITV1) and David Jason (7:45 ITV2).

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Posted: 8th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Money | Comment

10 Things You Didn’t Know About Farting, With Paris Hilton And Barack Obama

FARTING is sure to catch on. And to be prepared, here are Anorak’s Top Facts About Farting:

1. Barack Obama was schooled in Indonesia, where farting is considered an art form on a par with finger painting.

2. In times of recession, sales of baked beans and vegetables and raisins soar. Scientists at the North American Institute Of Global Warming calculate that the Arctic began to break up in the 1970s, when, ironically, power cuts and the three day week were at their height.

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Posted: 6th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (3)

Freedom For the Islamic Republic Of Southall, Sharia Capital Of Britain

WHEN Islam takes over the UK, Anjem Choudary says the capital should be in Southall.

Southall as the UK’s administrative district has much going for it, and could well become the UK’s answer to Canberra, a place as far removed from romanticised visions of sun-bleached Australia as you can get without actually being a foreign country.

Says Choudary:

“We will rise up. We will rise up, my dear Muslims. One day we shall have Sharia here. And who know, maybe even Southall can be the capital of the Islamic state when we conquer it.”

Can Southall be conquered? Can a veil be drawn around it?

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Posted: 5th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (4)

Metropolitan Police Advertising On Google For Right-Wing Extremists

THE Metropolitan Police is advertising on Google for Right-Wing Extremists:

Right Wing Extremist – Suspect it? Report it. Your call could be vital to us.

You’d think the Met would be chock full of staff from this key demographic. But needs must.

Other adverts in the offing will call for:

* Muslim Extremists
* Catholic Extremists
* Left–Wing Extremists
* Apathetic Extremists
* Anarchists
* Enthusiasts of any other persuasion.

The Met is an equal opportunities employer.

The Met’s site includes this illumination:

Further examples of suspicious activity

Van Passport Chemicals Information


Funding Protective equipment Travel Storage

So if you see a White Van Man, a padlock, a bag, a credit card or more ‘things’call the police. And if you’re a right wing extremist, do call in person…

Spotter, Via

Posted: 5th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (10)

The Top Ten Cars To Burn In Paris

ISRAEL and the Palestinians are giving hacks a break from the credit crunch, waiting for Obama, ignoring the rest of the world (does South America exist?) and writing lists of what to do in 2009.

In France the situation is a trigger for a bout of voiture flambee, the country’s signature dish. Later we’ll bring you the Top Ten Cars To Burn In Paris. But for now:

Protesters set cars on fire and several luxury store windows, such as the Louis Pion watch store, were smashed and looted by protesters by evening.

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Posted: 4th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comment

English Footballers Support Limit On Foreigners

IN Barnsley all eyes are on the Sheffield and Hallamshire Senior Cup match between Royston Villa and Sheffield’s Mosborough.

We are 80 minutes into the game and a player has been red carded.

Says a Mosborough FC spokesman:

“One of their lads got sent off and came back and had weapons and that’s why it got abandoned. We don’t want to comment because there is an inquiry and the referee’s report has got to be submitted.”

The weapons are, reportedly, a golf club a “long sword”. Neither sporting goods have been usual football paraphernalia since the mid-1970s, although both items are quintessentially English.

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Posted: 3rd, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comment

Big Brother: Verne Troyer Plays Ulrika Jonsson’s Little Guy Up Front

“MINI ME: I’LL SHAFT THE LOT” is the Daily Express’s front-page headline attributed to Celebrity Big Brother hopeful Verne Troyer.

Troyer (or should that be Tryer?) stands 2ft 8in (81 cm) in his socks and is “one of the world’s smallest men”.

The BBC features a gallery of the Big Brother stars but does not provide the height details for the other housemates. Showbiz is the No.1 industry for short people, followed by tunnelling, rodeo riding, Tom Cruise stunt doubles, pantomime extras and shoe making.

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Posted: 3rd, January 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (6)

Let’s Hear It For Obama The Magic Negro In 2009

LIVE from New York, Fox News broadcasts the countdown to 2009, and a cheery message for Barack Obama:

“Let’s hope the Magic Negro does a good job – Jen and John C”

Fox bashers will jump on this and see it as sign of racism but the phrase was first used in connection with Obama by Hollywood writer David Ehrenstein in a March 2007 op-ed in the Los Angeles Times that concluded:

“Like a comic-book superhero, Obama is there to help, out of the sheer goodness of a heart we need not know or understand. For as with all Magic Negroes, the less real he seems, the more desirable he becomes.”

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Posted: 2nd, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (7)

Waiting For You To Be Ready For The Rapture

THE Rapture is a-comin’. When? It’s a-comin’ soon. Evangelists know it. Do you know it? Yes. Are you ready to be rapt? Yes. Frank Gonzalez bring the good news in instalments.

If you’re not ready for the Rapture, he can wait for you…

IN 2007, Frank Gonzalez brought us

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Posted: 2nd, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comment (1)

Woolworths Uniforms For The Unemployed

FOR Christmas, Old Mr Anorak was delighted to buy his staff Woolworths.

Staff at Anorak Towers are now obliged to wear their new uniforms of smart red T-shirt branded by the country’s favourite discounted shop.

Say Old Anorak: “In your face, sub Pri-mark!”

And Anorak is not the only one embracing the change.

To save money, prisoners will now be issued with smart new grey shorts and be fed on a diet of pix ‘n’ mix.

Says one lag:

“I used to go shoplifting in Woolies with me dear old mum and the big boys. Wearing these scratchy shorts brings back fond memories of my youth.”

The Royal Navy will be dressed as Spiderman, and Superman at bedtime…

Posted: 2nd, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Money | Comment

Police Sentence Last Man In Britain To Discover Internet

DAVID Jell, of Queens Road, Hawkhurst, Kent, has been banned from carrying on his person felt tip- pens.

Mr Jell is also banned from writing abusive comments, people’s nicknames or contact details in a public place, and from “acting anti-socially by causing harassment, alarm or distress to others”.

One may wonder how you can be banned from causing distress to another when the odds on getting along with everyone are so remote? If this rule can be enforced, Anorak hereby petitions the rule makers to apply it to Mr Noel Edmonds, Mrs Cherie Blair, the BBC’s Breakfast ‘Team’ and anyone who has ever appeared on Strictly Come Dancing.

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Posted: 2nd, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (2)

Israel, Gaza And Iran: Cynthia McKinney, Hopsital Massacre And Ahmadinejad Finally Sees A Holocaust

FORMER Democrat Congresswoman and Green Party presidential candidate Cynthia McKinney is has been on a humantarian trip to help Hamas:

A boat carrying international peace activists, including former Georgia congresswoman Cynthia McKinney, and medical supplies to the embattled Gaza Strip sailed back into a Lebanese port on Tuesday after being turned back and damaged by the Israeli navy, organizers of the trip said.

Watch out for Lauren Booth! Ahoy!

Dearest Cynthia:

The Green Party of the United States yesterday nominated one of the most anti-semitic individuals ever to recently serve in the United States Congress for President.

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Posted: 30th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (11)

Tongue, Glorious Tongue! Food As It Used To Be

Tongue, glorious tongue!

Fish paste! Tinned peach slices!! Ox tongue!!! They had it all in 1976. And if you didn’t live near a “Big Choice” Liptons, there was always a fabulous array of groceries available at the Little Shop on the corner.

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Posted: 30th, December 2008 | In: Flashback, Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (4)

Israel’s Zio-Nazis And Palestinian Jews

GRIM stuff from Israel and the Gaza Strip. This is war. And war is never pretty. Hamas is the underdog, and the world likes those. When Israel was weak in 1967, it was cheered. Now Israel is the stronger side and tolerance will be tested.

The killing must stop. But do both sides want it to?

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Posted: 30th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (12)

The Top 11 Unwanted Christmas Gifts

CHRISTMAS is over, presents harvested, and it’s now time to get down to the serious business of asking aunty for a receipt for her gift – I just need to change it for a pink one – and cahsing in.

But if no proof of purchase is to hand, you can always sell them on eBay.  A search brings up the:

Top 11 Unwanted Christmas Gifts*


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Posted: 29th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Money | Comments (2)

How Barack Obama Will Save Bridgend, End Knife Crime And Sadness

IN it’s news review of the year, the Guardian’s Decca Aitkenhead takes readers “from the election of Barack Obama to economic meltdown, from the Beijing Olympics to the Baby P trial”. She “recalls the year’s best and worst times”.

But rather than being a time to reflect and make sense of things, Aitkenhead ends with a spot of mawkish media sensation, a spot of Mourn Porn:

Perhaps the saddest place of all in Britain was Bridgend, where another young suicide in August brought the total to 23 since 2007. The mystery of why so many youngsters did want to die was one no one could answer.

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Posted: 29th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (2)

2008 Media Year: Russell Brand, Robert Peston, Strictly Come Dancing And Jonathan Ross’ Dogger Bank

IT’S been a great year for media stories about the media, starring Russell Brand, Jonathan Ross, Robert Peston, the BBC, Strictly Come Dancing and fines. The media loves media stories about the media, and so do audiences.

In 2009, the BBC will strive to bring you even more stories about the media, such as how BBC Breakfast presenters Bill Strictly and Sian In Need are never far away from a pair of spoons, and how BBC5 is to be the Beeb’s new TV channel for stories just about the media.

But what about 2008? Phew! It was quite some year.

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Posted: 29th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comment

Madeleine McCann: She Speaks To Spaniard And BBC Scores Points

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

THE SUN: “Fury at Maddie ‘ghost chat’”

No, not a ghost chat show – it’s not a publicity stunt. It;s not even a follow up to the Daily Star’s front page screamer: “MADDIE GHOST VISITS MUM”. It’s:

A SICK comedy writer has sparked outrage by publishing a spoof interview with Madeleine McCann’s “ghost”. Jose Perez, 28, who writes for Spanish TV, reports in his online blog that Maddie — who vanished in May 2007 aged three — visited his house.

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Posted: 29th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (73)

Obama Says He’d Bomb Hamas, Do Whatever It Takes

HAMAS asks for a damn good thrashing. Israel obliges. And Barack Obama..? Well, he’d do more, Remember this?

President-elect Barack Obama has voiced sympathy for Israel’s predicament. During his visit to Israel last summer, he held a news conference in Sderot, the southern town that has borne the brunt of the Gaza rocket attacks, saying he does not “think any country would find it acceptable to have missiles raining down on the heads of their citizens.”

“If somebody was sending rockets into my house where my two daughters sleep at night, I’m going to do everything in my power to stop that,” Obama said at the time. “And I would expect Israelis to do the same thing.”

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Posted: 28th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comment

A Matter Of Loaf And Death: TV Highlights 2008 And 2009

THE tops TV show over Christmas was A Matter of Loaf and Death, a rendering of Alan Bennett’s search for a tapioca sandwich, with Wallace and Gromit.

That the denouement to a year of telly should feature no actors and no celebrities is a sure sign of how much the views craves entertainment over:

* The BBC’s output of Ian Beale debating economic policy on Question Time with Will Young (only one part of that is made up)

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Posted: 26th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (7)

A Prayer For Baby P’s Abusers

THE Rt Rev Nicholas Reade, Bishop of Blackburn, would like the flock to pray for the killers of Baby P.

The Sun, which owns the image rights to Baby P in his world and the hereafter, hears the Rt Rev Nicholas Reade says they should pray that sinners could be “brought face to face with the baby in the manger”.

So long as the social services are on hand to observe this meeting of child abuser and Baby JC then all should be well, although not in Haringey, which is, in any case, in the lower circles of Hell.

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Posted: 26th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (3)