Key Posts | Anorak - Part 238

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Bansturbation In Australia: Banning The Internet

IN AUSTRALIA the new mandatory net filter is being readied to block 10,000 websites that deal in “unwanted content”.

How is it unwanted? We know not, only that it is.

Posted: 13th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (4)

Kos We’re Conservatives, Tories For Obama

MICHAEL Gove, the Wind In The Willows’ extra who went it alone, is the Conservative Party’s schools spokesman.

Gove is using his Telegraph column to consider all things Obama. Gove salutes the Daily Kos, “a place of very articulate, widely dispersed and highly motivated activists”.

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Posted: 13th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (4)

Shannon Matthews: No Noose Is Good Noose

SHANNON MATTHEWS: The trial of Karen Matthews and Paul Donovan…


There is a stench of sexual perversion in the Sun’s headline. But sex was not the alleged motive in the “kidnap” of Shannon Matthews, money was.

It is alleged that mum Karen and “loner” Donovan wanted the £50,000 reward, in part out up by the Sun.

QC Julian Goose, prosecuting, says “that while Shannon was physically unharmed, Donovan had kept ‘ruled control’ over her when he left the flat to go shopping.”

The rules were:

You must not make any noise or bang your feet
You must not go near the windows
You must not get anything or do anything without me
Keep the TV volume low, only up to eight or less
You can play Super Mario and you can play some DVDS and some CDs

Those who read the Sun may wonder if Shannon was cared for while she was away from her dear old mum and Craig Meehan?

Reader may wonder if the Sun is not a little disappointed that the case does not feature sexual depravity. And what with Shannon in her kinky school uniform, and all…

DAILY MAIL (front page): “’WICKED’”


No, not the words of a million Mail readers, rather those said to have been uttered by Shannon Matthews

Donovan says he was threatened by Karen Matthews. Karen Matthews says she was threatened by Craig Meehan, Donovan’s nephew. Daily Mail readers say they feel threatened by just about everything and wonder if either party was wearing a hood…


Donovan tells police:

“She asked me to take care of Shannon. She told me there would be money in it for me.”

Well 24 days at £3.50 an hour babysitting adds up…

“She said I was to keep Shannon and look after her and she would report her missing. I was to keep her at my place. I wasn’t happy about that and she threatened to get three lads on to me. I knew one of the lads had stabbed someone and killed him. I was frightened so I said I would do it. She said if I told anyone I would be dead.”


“Excited Shannon Matthews jumped into her step-uncle’s car looking forward to a visit to a fair but it was the start of a 24-day ordeal…”

The Mirror paints the scene of a case that though genuinely shocking it considers to be lacking in emotion. Donovan’s state of mind at the time is not given, but we imagine that he was pretty excited, too…

In the flat:

“A white elastic noose found hanging from a roof beam was long enough so she cold get to the toilet but not the front door.”

Shannon was kept restrained while Donovan went to buy lottery tickets, just in case the alleged plot did not work out and he needed some money to facilitate an escape…


The noose suggests torture. Was it worn about the neck? Duuno. We’re not told. But the noose soon becomes a “leash”, by which, it is alleged, Donovan kept Shannon from wandering away while he popped out.

Shannon was also said to have been fed Temazepam.

The case continues, although given the reporting, it seems all decisions have been reached…

Posted: 13th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (3)

Tongue Fisting The I’m A Celebrity Wannabes

A TONGUE twister to limber up your lips on the cover of today’s Daily Star: “I’M A CELEB WAG WAR.”

Take it away I’m A Celeb agonist Esther Rantzen… “I’m A Stheleb Tonth Tvisther.”

Go, go, failed London mayor and ex-gay copper Brian Paddick: “I am a celebratty tonguey fister.”

Now you EastEnders Joe Swash: “OimashlebtungtwistersthOiAmOiIam.”

And so it goes, all the way to Robert Kilory Silk: “I am a tongue shitter.”

No lie: the Star really is 10p cheaper than the Sun and “10 times more fun.”

The Sun can only go on about “Baby P” who died in the care of its “vile” mum and stepdad.

If the Daily Star got its hand on the story, it would be a game of spot the difference between Baby P and Baby M.

So funsters, we turn back to the Star, and learn that miniature Wag Carly Zucker, former Muppet Dani Behr and Friend-Of-Anorak Nicola McLean will be providing more tongue twisters should they and any of the aforesaid Swash, former Blue singer Simon Webbe or Martina Navratilova gel in the dell.

Anorak will be rooting for Our Nicola, who used to play with our patron Old Mr Anorak’s youngest at the Corum Fields drop-in centre, London.

You go, Nicola. And if you see fit to win and want to do good deeds, how’s about returning that pencil your little sister took…

Posted: 12th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (12)

Vadge And Bitchie: Learn To Speak Guy And Madonna

THE STAR reports that Madonna has orders Guy Ritchie to adhere to her rules.

They are the 10 Rules of Woman given to Man by Madge the Vadge.

Of course, a few days with Bitchie and the Open To Bids (Kids) will be speaking like their You’ve Been Had (Dad).

Here’s Anorak’s print out and keep guide to how She’s A Gonna (Madonna) can keep with her children, and better communicate with them:

Apples and Pears – Kabala Prayers

Adam and Eve – Mum’s wears a weave

Pony and Trap – See RocknRolla

Butcher’s Hook – Sex colouring book

Whistle and Flute – Divorce law suit

Porkie Pies – Non-macrobiotic diet

Trouble and Strife – Sent down for life

A-Rod – Better Bod

Dog And Bone – She’s never at home

Tit for Tat – We were once the perfect couple

As spoken in Malawi…

Posted: 12th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (4)

Before Their Very Eyes

SHE was a brassy blonde whose cleavage was a ticket to fame and fortune. She played dumb and acted smart. She was a one-woman industry with a one-word name: not Jordan, but Sabrina.

Before she was Sabrina, she was Norma Sykes of Stockport, Cheshire. A junior swimming champion (breaststroke, naturally) at the age of 12, she might have become a ‘golden girl’ of the pool. Alternatively, she could have ended up working at her mum’s B&B in Blackpool.

An attack of polio changed everything. Two years in hospital (where doctors operated and considered amputation) were followed by months of rehab in the pool and gym. What didn’t kill her made her stronger, and her well-developed arms, legs and pecs would serve her well when she upped sticks and headed for the Smoke at the age of 16.

The big break came two years later in February 1955. Arthur Askey was fronting a BBC television show, Before Your Very Eyes, and he wanted a ‘dumb-cluck’ for comic purposes. Norma was in the right place at the right time. She was 18 years of age, with a new hair colour (peroxide blonde), a bigger-than-ever bust (42 inches), a smaller-than-ever waist (17 inches), and, courtesy of Askey, a new name that nobody would be allowed to forget.

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Posted: 12th, November 2008 | In: Flashback, Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (4)