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Key Posts | Anorak - Part 239

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The Best Dorset Lapland Top 10 Christmas Album Ever

“ANGRY people just kept shouting,” says Elf No.1, an escapee from Dorset’s trashed version of Lapland. “It was really doing my health in.”

Anorak is listening, and for small charitable donation will represent Elf No.1 and eLf No.2 before Mr E. Bunny at the Fairyland court of arbitration.

But hey, kids, it’s Christmas. Sing. Sing. Sing!!!

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Posted: 4th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (3)


Madeleine McCann: Spotted In Monkey Land, Fled To Lapland And A Christmas Message

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

THE SUN: “Xmas TV appeal in hunt for Maddie”

Will Kate McCann be asked to deliver the alternative Queen’s Speech on Channel 4?

A WORLDWIDE television appeal will be launched at Christmas to appeal for help in finding missing toddler Madeleine McCann. The plea is set to be fronted by a celebrity and will feature previously unseen footage of Maddie.

Have you been good little boys and girls?

Clarence Mitchell, the couple’s spokesman, said: “It is likely there will be a Christmas message – with the focus on Madeleine.”

Silent night. Holy night…

BOURNEMOUTH DAILY ECHO: “Toddler escaped from Poole play centre”

Claire Mason thought her son Jack was safe at Monkey Bizness at Tower Park, Poole, but the toddler managed to leave the play area, pass reception, go down a flight of stairs and get out of the building.

The little Monkey. Maybe he’s in Lapland, also in Dorset?

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Posted: 4th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (22)


Preacher’s Daughter Jessica Simpson, Like, Gets Religon, Sort Of

SAYS Jessica Simpson:

“I’ve been contemplating taking a college course in religion. I love religion. I remember whenever the book ‘The Da Vinci Code’ came out, the Discovery Channel did this three-night piece on it that I TiVoed and then watched eight times.”

Is she that clever to make herself sound so stupid and unthreatening? Discuss.

In the meantime, pray for her…

Image: 14

Posted: 3rd, December 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)


Slapland: Dorset Santa Attacked In Great War On Christmas

TO the Lapland New Forest in Dorset, where the little alcopop munchers are dandling on Santa’s arthritic a knee:

Santa: “So – ho-ho – what d’yer want for Christmas/XMas/Diwali/Eid/Winter solsctice/ Chanukah Christmas/ Bhodi/Present Day (delete as applicable), little girl?”

Armani Alcopop: “You f*** you callin’ a ho, muvverf****r? Give me the lot or I’ll tell me mum you touched me and you listen to Gary Glitter records. Paedo!”

Too late. As the Sun screams from its front page: “Santa and three elves beaten up in Lapland.”

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Posted: 3rd, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (6)


Irish Judge Stops Drink Drive Trial For Urine Steam Inhalation

JUDGE James O’Connor’s is presiding at Killorglin District Court in Kerry, Ireland.

Judge O’Connor hears defence submissions that inhalation of urine fumes could have affected breath-test results.

Solicitor Mr O’Connell argues that during the 20-minute period when the defendant must be observed by a garda at the police station before his breath sample is taken – and forbidden from eating or drinking anything – both his clients had used a toilet to urinate.

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Posted: 2nd, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (5)


Ps And Qs: David Cameron Joins The Baby P Debate

BABY P. No rest yet. The court case has yet to be played out. The mother, step-father and lodger have yet to be sentenced.

Children’s Secretary Ed Balls has seen a report into the case. He has made his views know. But as is the fashion in modern politics, no-one makes a decision and moves on, they only join the debate.

His lack of a firm hand and inability to deliver a final ruling allows papers like the Sun to emote and start campaigns. They join the debate. We all join the debate. And nothing gets done. Not really.

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Posted: 2nd, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (19)


Life In The UK Is Lonelier Than Ever Before

THE research has been done and the BBC can confirm that “Life in UK ‘has become lonelier'”.

Researchers from the University of Sheffield had planned to speak with hundreds of people, but once they knocked on the door of widow Mrs Linda Hartle, and she answered, they felt unable to leave, staying for a spot of tea and to look through countless photo albums of life as it once was.

When Mrs Hartle began to cry and plead that it was too late for the researchers to go home, and what with the icy roads and hoodies too dangerous, they decided to stay a while longer…



Posted: 2nd, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (5)


Halo Dinner: The Barack Obama Golden Plate Offer

NOW we own a piece of history. Can you? Yes you can!

Such is the demand the world over for Barack Obama gold plates, historians one and all are limited to taking away just two per visit.

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Posted: 1st, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (9)


Baby P: Ed Balls Statement In Full And Sun’s Failed Campaign

TOUGH luck on the Sun and its legion of campaigners. Only three people have lost their jobs over Baby P.

Sharon Shoesmith, the head of children’s services at Haringey Council, has been sacked. The council’s leader George Meehan and the cabinet member for children and young people, Liz Santry have resigned.

Says Ed Balls: “In the case of Baby P things did go tragically wrong.”

No doubt about that.

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Posted: 1st, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (13)


In Living Colour: A Short History Of British Television

BRITAIN was the first country in Europe to provide regular colour television broadcasts.

Early experiments in the 1950s led to the announcement in March 1966 that a fledgling service was planned. (A live colour feed was provided for the World Cup final, but, as with numerous other broadcasts, no one appears to have considered it worthy of keeping.)

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Posted: 1st, December 2008 | In: Flashback, Key Posts | Comments (4)


Police Help Iraq Veteran Aspinall Atune To Broken Britain (Video)

FOLLOWING news of CCTV devices that can predict crime, Anorak hears of Lance Corporal Mark Aspinall being toughened up for life in Broken Britain by three uniformed officers in Wigan, Lancashire.

Having been beaten up, Aspinall is then hauled before the Beak and convicted of attacking the policemen. He is ordered to pay one PC Lightfoot £100 in compensation and one of the other officers £150. He is also ordered to serve 200 hours community service and given a three-month suspended prison sentence.

Says Aspinall:

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Posted: 1st, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (9)


Madeleine McCann: Introducing Amelie, Celebrity Kate And Xmas Marks The Spot

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

THE PEOPLE: “KATE: I KNOW OUR MADDIE IS ALIVE -EXCLUSIVE New worldwide appeal as McCanns face second heartbreak Xmas Star gives TV backing

Little news of Our Maddie, the missing child who is still missing. But Christmas is approaching, another landmark.

Writes Tracey Kandohla:

Missing Madeleine McCann’s mum Kate remains certain she is still alive – and plans a worldwide appeal at Christmas for help in finding the tot.

Merry Christmas, everyone! It’s panto season:

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Posted: 1st, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (94)


Robert Fisk Leaves Indy To Write For The Daily Star

ROBERT Fisk writes for the Daily Star:

MODEL agencies are turning down sexy Miss England Laura Coleman because she is too fat. The blonde has gone up a dress size to a perfect 10. But Laura, who will take part in Miss World in South Africa next month, has found most agencies have a problem with her new curves.

That’s Laura, the reason why Fisk no long covers Middle East politics.

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Posted: 30th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (3)


The Boob Job Piggy Bank

THE Boob Job piggy bank is great.

Girls can save up and when they’ve got enough money, use some glue and attach the boob bank to their chest.

The Boob Job piggy bank is rock hard, so just like a genuine fake breast.

Your friends and punters will never be able to tell the difference!

Spotter, Via and here.

Posted: 30th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Money | Comments (4)


Keep It Civil: Amy Winehouse’s Star-Boxed Lover Leaves Her High And Dry

BLAKE Fielder Civil confesses that it was he who got England’s sickly-sweet-smelling Amy Winehouse into drugs. The couple are past their dancing days, and this is the end:

“I dragged Amy into it and without me there is no doubt that she would never have gone down that road. I ruined something beautiful. Now I have to let her go to save her life. I am not abandoning her. I am doing this out of love.”

He loves her enough to let her go. That’s love. It’s like a modern day Romeo and Juliet with dirtier fingernails. Get this from Blaaaaaake – oh, tempt not a desperate man:

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Posted: 30th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (9)


The Shannon Matthews Christmas Gift Range

HEY, Kids. With Christmas approaching faster than a Somalian pirate with a bad case of the trots, Anorak has produced some T-shirts.

A real Anorak Bazaar will soon appear in the gigantic online shopping mall, but to whet your appetite we’ve produced some new T-shirts.

All T-shirts cost £19.00 or $1.

Yo-Ho-Ho. It’s off to the shops we go!

I’d run over my mother to get an Anorak T-shirt” – US shoppers collective.

NEW IN – The Shannon Matthews Doll and Money Box

It’s a dolly! It’s a money box!! It’s a bed warmer!!!

The Shannon Matthews Doll can be whatever you want it to be – but it can never be lost! Attaches to the bed, wall or attic with stretchy elastic, allegedly.

Collect by car.

Posted: 30th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (5)


Sadistic Police Give Freezing Cold Drunk Women Flip-Flops

IN Devon women are being handed flip-flops by police in large black boots. It’s a woman’s right to shoes, says the Mail:

Drunk women who stagger about in high heels are to be protected – at public expense – from twisting their ankles. They will be handed flip-flops to wear by police outside nightclubs as they wend their way home. The scheme is part of a £30,000 drive by police and councillors to prevent ‘alcohol-related harm’.

It’s sub-zero in Devon. And the local police – sadists – are giving girls in miniskirts flip flops.

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Posted: 29th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (13)


The UK Really Is A Police State

DAMIAN Green is arrested – well, if you arrest the Opposition, you’re bound to win an election.

The civil servant at the heart of a Whitehall leak investigation was in hiding last night as a political storm raged over the arrest of the Tory frontbencher Damian Green.

Hiding from whom? (Image Beau Bo D’Or Website)

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Posted: 29th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (5)


Nicolas Sarkozy Feels A Little Prick

ONE of the more marketable things about Nicolas Sarkozy is that he is pocket sized. And this is good news for voodoo practitioners, who have fashioned a life-size replica of the French President.

One proviso to sale is that the voodoo dolls should carry a label saying they are offensive to him, rules the French judiciary.

How the stuffers of the Petit Sarkozy must rejoice at that, a badge of dishonour from the Beaks should multiply sales.

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Posted: 29th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (2)


Mumbai’s British Terrorists Engage In Citizen Journalism

“ARE they British?” asks the Telegraph, lens focused on an image of two on the men behind the Mumbai massacre?

“Gang used Blackberrys to monitor reaction in the British press.”

One wonders what press reaction the murderous expect? Are we to hear from their spokesman saying that the Daily Express has always been dead set against them and that the Sun’s Page 3 “News in Briefs” is Islamophobic?

“How can the Daily Mail lead with news of Damian Green?” asks an incredulous mass murderer. “What the f*** is the world coming to?”

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Posted: 29th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (4)


Damian Green Round Up: The Martyr, The Clunking Fist And The End Of The Commons

DAMIAN GREEN MP, the shadow immigration minister, has been arrested at his constituency home in East Kent. He was arrested for “aiding and abetting misconduct in public office”.

His “crime” is the obtaining of leaked Whitehall documents and for “aiding and abetting misconduct in public office”.

It is an act worthy of Robert Mugabe, or Stalin, a police state.

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Posted: 28th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (8)


A Father’s Pop-Pee For Baby P

ANYONE not shocked and sickened by the death of Baby P, and who may be having trouble being shocked and sickened by the torture of a small child, can look through any number of newspaper articles to learn how shocked and sickened columnists are.

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Posted: 28th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (10)


Sheffield Rapist: Britain’s Josef Fritzl Is A Uniquely British Crime

HAVING been told that Josef Fritzl’s crimes could only happen in Austria, Ben Macintyre tells Times readers that the Sheffield man who made his two daughters pregnant 19 times – Britain’s Fritzl – is essentially a tale of Britishness.

The man had “an acute understanding of how modern British society can sometimes fail to see the most glaring crimes”.

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Posted: 27th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (8)


The Waterproof Guide To Scuba Sex

SCUBA diving sex. A how and when guide:

COUPLES often write into his column, asking for advice about how to have sex while scuba diving. Basically, although popular, scuba sex is not recommended. Potential problems include the inhalation of water droplets in horizontal positions (which can lead to chocking), keeping cumbersome equipment in the vertical position, losing buoyancy control when excited, and being unaware of the increased oxygen consumption required.

Stage 2:

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Posted: 27th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (4)


Daily Mirror Backs Conservative’s Slug Eating Campaign

BRIAN Reade, writing in the Mirror, says he “loves it when a Nice-But-Dim Tory reveals himself to be the kind of animal we always knew he was. One with the heart of a wolf and the brain of a slug.

“Take health spokesman Andrew Lansley who believes recession can be good for people because they will eat less.”

Reads muses: “If only the Tories had been around in 1845 when the Irish potato famine started…”

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Posted: 27th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (2)