Reviews | Anorak - Part 39

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We don’t just report off-beat news, breaking news and digest the best and worst of the news media analysis and commentary. We give an original take on what happened and why. We add lols, satire, news photos and original content.

Caffeine-Use Disorder is as real as your hallucinations

coffee men


Scare story of the day is found in the Daily Mail (natch.), wherein we learn of “caffeine-use disorder”.

Sophie Freeman asks:

But how do you know when your love of coffee has gone too far?

When you’re on a coffee drip? The answer is with boffins at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore and the American University in Washington D.C.

Despite being the “most widely used psychoactive drug in the world”, caffeine can make you jittery, anxious and tense. A cup of coffee is the Daily Mail in liquid form.

As for the study behind the news of a new disorder to be treated by a new kind of therapy, the researchers surveyed 67 people. The coffee drinker were put on a “caffeine-fading scheme”, seeing their consumption reduced. They were given a booklet to “use between counsellor sessions”.

They were then locked alone inside their mum’s stuffy downstairs toilet for five days and invited to work through their delusions, nightmares and back copies of Readers’ Digest magazine.


Posted: 2nd, December 2015 | In: Reviews, Tabloids, The Consumer | Comment

Judge allowed defendant to be accompanied by his cat in court

cat in court


To Chelmsford Crown Crown, Essex, where defendant Aiden Wiltshire, 72, is in the dock. To his side is his cat Taylor, perched in a wheeled shopping trolley.

ITV says Mr Wiltshire “continually stroked” his cat.

Wiltshire’s lawyer, Gavin Burrell ,says of the cat and this client:

“It’s a crutch which he relies on. It’s in a basket and not roaming free. I appreciate it sounds somewhat odd but there’s documentary evidence that the cat does provide emotional support for the defendant to cope.”

As the defendant left the court, the judge advised him “don’t let the cat out of the bag”.

The tin lid is place on this story when we tell you that Wiltshire, of Chelmsford, is accused of two offences of… stalking. He has not yet entered any pleas. His case was adjourned until the new year.

The cat is blameless, allegedly.

Posted: 2nd, December 2015 | In: Reviews, Strange But True | Comment

Arsenal: Alexis Sanchez performs hokey cokey to prove his fitness

sanchez injured


How injured is Arsenal’s Alexis Sanchez?

He’s IN!

The Mirror: “Sanchez has handed Arsenal a huge boost ahead of Christmas the New Year.”

He’s OUT!

The Sun: “Arsene Wenger fears Alexis Sanchez may miss the festive programme.”


The Mail: “Arsenal are still assessing star forward Alexis Sanchez.”

In other words: he’s injured but the tabloids have no idea how badly.

Posted: 2nd, December 2015 | In: Arsenal, Reviews, Sports, Tabloids | Comment

Tabloids keep ISIS guessing when bombing raids will begin



When will Britain begin bombing Islamic State, formerly “so-called Islamic State”? The Mail says it’s 48 hours. The Sun says it’s 36 hours.

Jeremy Corbyn says ‘NEVER!”

Good old, Jezza. Loose lips sink ships, and all that.


Posted: 1st, December 2015 | In: Reviews | Comment (1)

Court rules a BMW motorbike will not give you a 2-day erection

BMW - 'But Mine Works'

BMW – ‘But Mine Works’


Can a BMW give you a two-day erection? The Marin Independent Journal learns the truth:

Wolf claimed he suffered an acute case of priapism – a painfully prolonged erection — after riding his 1993 BMW motorcycle for two hours. He claimed the vibrations in the “ridge-like” motorcycle seat caused the condition that lasted several days, so he sued BMW North America and the seat manufacturer, Corbin-Pacific Inc.The lawsuit claimed product liability, negligence and negligent infliction of emotional distress. Wolf said he was forced to seek treatment at Marin General Hospital and then with other specialists.

On Tuesday – in a 14-page decision laced with medical language about Doppler ultrasounds, tumescence and aspiration of the corposa cavernosa — a three-judge 1st District Court of Appeal panel affirmed a San Francisco Superior Court decision to dismiss the case.

The judges found that Wolf’s appeal “fails to comply with the rules of appellate procedure” by failing to cite the relevant cases or statutes, and it “contains no intelligible argument.” The panel ordered Wolf to pay the defendants’ costs on appeal, a sum?

File under: two stroke.


Posted: 1st, December 2015 | In: Reviews, Strange But True | Comment

Driver who killed teenager didn’t have a licence because he’s blind

blind driver


Hector Arroyo, 68, called police to tell hem he’d hit a deer while her was out driving. He had;’t. He’d hit and killed 13-year-old Helina Dirba.

Arroyo told Detective James Maltby he didn’t stop because he didn’t have a licence. Why not? Well, his licences was revoked because he’s “legally blind”.


Helina Dirba


Arroyo is charged with involuntary homicide-manslaughter with a vehicle, driving while licence suspended causing death and failure to stop at the scene of a crash causing injury or death.

Posted: 1st, December 2015 | In: Reviews, Strange But True | Comment

Arsenal balls: the media crisis that isn’t

sanchez injured


Arsenal have a lot of players injured. But some how they’ve managed to give themselves a fighting chance of progressing in the Champions’ League and sit just two points from the Premier League summit.

No disaster, then.

But to the Mirror Arsenal are in a “Greek tragedy”. Needing to beat an ordinary Olympiakos side by two clear goals or score three and win, the paper says the Gunners’ chances are reduced by injury. They are in “crisis”.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 1st, December 2015 | In: Arsenal, Reviews, Sports | Comment

Transfer balls: Chelsea in for Manchester United’s Thomas Muller

The Mirror says Chelsea have joined the hunt for Bayern Munich’s Thomas Muller. In “Muller In.. Mauler Out”, the paper says the German will replace Diego Costa, the Blues’ charmless striker.

According to Darren Lewis, Chelsea face a challenge from Manchester United for the superb Bayern star.

Why Muller should want to leave the German champions nicknamed FC Hollywood for life with Mourinho’s vanity project or Louis Van Gaal’s dullards is something former Germany captain Lothar Matthaus can’t work out.

“He does not need United or Xhelsea,” says Matthaus. “Barcelona perhaps could use him, but I don’t know whether he can deal with their game. He started his career at Bayern and I think he should end his career there.”

The Premier League is a bubble. The tabloids pretend it’s better than it is, talking up the money-bloated PL, linking the world’s top players to English teams more in hope than reality.

For instance, this drivel remain on the Daily Express site:


Muller signs MAnchester


Such are the facts.

Posted: 1st, December 2015 | In: Chelsea, manchester united, Reviews, Sports | Comment

Listen to Manchester’s Beetham Tower groan and hum in the wind

If you listen you can hear Manchester’s Beetham Tower grown in the wind.


Posted: 30th, November 2015 | In: Reviews, Strange But True | Comment

Tristram Hunt ‏MP ‘Beyond Excited” Stoke to get a Pizza Express

Labour MP Tristram Hunt says he is “Beyond Excited’ to learn that Stoke is to get a branch of the Pizza Express restaurant chain.



Tristram Hunt pizza expres


Tristram Hunt is not a parody –  why would anyone bother to make him up?

Posted: 30th, November 2015 | In: Reviews | Comment

Clickbait football: Manchester United and the ‘Jamie Vardy’ reject

In Clickbait Football, the Metro has news on the Manchester United “reject” who could have been Louis Van Gaal’s Jamie Vardy.

The paper’s headline declares:

Stats: Man United reject proving he could’ve been LvG’s Vardy, he’s smashing records in Europe

Is it Lee Chadwick?

No. It’s Javier Hernandez. And the record he’s setting is:

Chicharito’s six Bundesliga goals immediately make him the highest scoring Mexican in German top division.


Screen Shot 2015-11-30 at 14.37.36




Posted: 30th, November 2015 | In: manchester united, Reviews, Sports | Comment

Chelsea balls: Costa tosses his pink toys and misses Mourinho

Diego Costa is more entertaining off the pitch than on it. The Chelsea striker “threw his substitute bib at Jose Mourinho and his toys out of the pram” after being dropped, says the Mirror  in “Diddums Diego”.

The Independent agrees that Cost tossed his bib “at  Jose Mourinho”.

Which he didn’t. If he did, then he missed.



The Sun says Diego was in a “rage” at being dropped for Chelsea’ match at Spurs. After the boring 0-0 draw, Costa went and sat on the team bus on his own.

The Mail calls him “stroppy Costa”, adding that Chelsea ” looked better off without him”.

The Express says Costa’s future at the Blues is in the balance.

As for Mourinho, well, he opined: “If he wants to hurt me it would not be with a bib. I have a good relationship with him. Diego is physically fine, no problems. He works well, every day his mood is positive, he is the positive guy in the team. I do not expect to have a player on the bench jumping and shouting because he is not playing.”

Best save the hissy-fits for the management team.

Posted: 30th, November 2015 | In: Reviews | Comment

Leicester City striker Jamie Vardy gets the Hollywood movie treatment

vardy the sun


Jamie Vardy, Leicester City’s can’t-stop-scoring striker, is to star in a Hollywood film, says the Sun. Well, not him, but an actor playing the 28-year-old footballer.

And who might that actor be? Well, the Sun lines up Robert Pattinson, Andrew Garfield and Zac Efron.

To which the first question is: has anyone in Hollywood seen Jamie Vardy?

And then the season question: is Vardy’s catchphrase ‘Chat Shit Get Banged’ a working title?


Posted: 30th, November 2015 | In: Celebrities, Reviews, Sports | Comment

Princess Charlotte photos: three eyes, a comb-over and everything sponsored

Princess_Charlotte 111


Pictures of Princess Charlotte occupy the front pages of the Mail, TelegraphMirror and Express.

The Mirror says the child’s hair  is “light brown – somewhere between  the colour of Kate’s darks locks and William’s blond ones”.

The Mail says the photos taken by “proud Kate” show a child with a “sweep of dark hair and sparkling eyes”, making her  “most definitely her mother’s daughter”.




Some confusion about the hair, then.

The Mail can’t make its mind up about anything – the headline to Rebecca English’s story on Kate’s mini-me tells us Charlotte’s a mini-him


princess chatlotte


The Mail than further contradicts itself by saying Charlotte’s “twinkling blue eyes are inherited from her father.” Maybe she has one of Wills’ eyes and one of Kate’s?

Make that three eyes, because the Mirror says “six-month-old Charlotte seems to have inherited her late gran Princess Diana’s big blue eyes”.

The Mail notes how she sits “unaided in a shabby-chic-look armchair” at the family’s 10-bedroom Anmer Hall pile.  She is “gazing almost wistfully at something in the distance…perhaps her nanny, Maria Borrallo”, or perhaps at grandpa Charles whose talking to a pot plant and looking at her for traces of his own features.

The Express concludes that the child looks a “Lotte like her mum”. It assures all paparazzi that Charlotte is a “natural for the camera”. Phew!

The Mirror makes it a multimedia event, somehow noticing from two photos that Charlotte is “shrieking with delight”.

And on its goes. But what’s also bizarre about this story is the number of brand’s checked. Kate uses a Canon EOS 5D Mark II (Express) camera. Charlotte wears a dress by Liberty (Express) and ribbed baby pink tights by Amaia Kids (Mail). She looks at a Jelly Cat Fuddleworth Puppy (Mirror).

Is everything sponsored? Let’s hope so. It’s high time the Creosote Royals paid for themselves,

Posted: 30th, November 2015 | In: Key Posts, Reviews, Royal Family | Comment

Premier League footballer in Sun schoolgirl stunna sexting sensation

Which part of this Sun headline excites you the most?

Premier league star meets uniformed schoolgirl in street… then sends pics of his manhood just hours later

If it’s the part of the uniformed schoolgirl, then you might wonder if the Sun is approving in this observation or damning?

After all, the Sun does love a young woman in a school uniform.

Here’s former Page 3 stunna Sam Fox, who never was upbraided for slapping on a gym slip:


samantha_fox school uniform


And there was this story:


school uniform sex tabloids


The Sun told its readers:

“St.Trinian’s back with a bang – And they’re as wild and sexy as ever – FIFTY years after they first charged through the crumbling corridors of their school, the girls of St. Trinian’s are back. And they’re as wild and sexy as ever.”


 “In an exclusive interview, Everett and Firth discuss our ‘pervy’ attitude to school uniforms and revealed how they overcame their public feud of 23 years to star in the film.”

And the tabloids carried this ad for Ryan Air:




Now, about that manhood…

Note: the woman referred to in the Sun’s headline is 18-year-old.


Posted: 29th, November 2015 | In: Reviews, Tabloids | Comment

Transfer balls: Liverpool in for 7 Dortmund players (and one plays for Manchester United)

The Metro reports Liverpool manager Jurgen Klopp as having said “nothing stopping Liverpool grabbing Marco Reus and Mats Hummels”.

Is that really what he said? Because last January the Metro reported that Reus had agreed to join Real Madrid – which he hadn’t done:


reus liverpool


That balls was written by Jamie Sanderson, who is also the author of this latest news:


Screen Shot 2015-11-29 at 13.10.05


Sanderson adds:

Klopp has revealed he could sign the pair, because there’s no clause in his exit contract from Dortmund preventing him.


He could buy any Dortmund player for Liverpool, then. Indeed, in another article the Metro says Klopp wants to bring Neven Subotic to Liverpool.


Screen Shot 2015-11-29 at 13.13.02


That’s three Dortmund players. The Express spots Klopp’s shopping cart and adds Mats Hummels, Henrikh Mkhitaryan, Sven Bender and Ilkay Gundogan.

Can it be that Klopp will buy seven Dortmund players? We soon learn that the manager said:

…there could be a possibility – if we need a player then we could try. At this moment there is nothing to talk about. But there is no agreement that we can’t do business with Dortmund. There’s also no agreement that we can’t sell players to Dortmund!

One problem is that Hummels plays for Manchester United. He doesn’t? But we heard that he signed for them. We read that news in the Metro:


Screen Shot 2015-11-29 at 13.18.30



Such are the facts…

Posted: 29th, November 2015 | In: Liverpool, Reviews, Sports, Tabloids | Comment

ISIS and the nanny State agree: smoking is punishable by death

Can we relate to ISIS? Yes, says Brendan O’Neill, we can because they are like the worst of us.


Both are punishable by death

Both are punishable by death


He notes:

ISIS hates everything about the West. Except the nanny state. It loves that. (Top: ISIS anti-smoking poster. Bottom: European anti-smoking poster.)

Death to the smokers!

Posted: 29th, November 2015 | In: Reviews | Comment

Record Thief Returns Stolen Stone Roses LP After Finding God

record thief note


A born-again Christian regrets stealing vinyl from Out On The Floor Records in London’s Camden Town 10 years ago. The thief realised that his religion looks unkindly on stealing, so he parcelled up the goods and sent them back to the shop.

He slipped this note between the record sleeves:

“Dear – when I was a teenager, I pinched a few records from you, about 10 years ago. I became a Christian not too long ago and wanted you to have these records – I hope you can put them to good use. Sorry, with regards.”

The haul includes records by The Cure, The Smiths and The Stone Roses.

Let us pray:


Posted: 29th, November 2015 | In: Reviews, Strange But True | Comment

Why are 27 nail-studded baseball bats tied to phone polls in San Francisco?

In San Francisco, police have found 27 baseball bats tied to poles. The bats are studded with nails. Is insurrection in the air?


basbeball bat nails sf



Sgt. Michael Andraychak says it’s “very strange”.


bat sf 1


Is San Francisco gearing up for a fight?

Posted: 29th, November 2015 | In: Reviews, Strange But True | Comment

Transfer balls: Ronaldo in the ‘clear’ for Manchester United

Manchester United have been “ion red alert” for Cristiano Ronaldo ever since the player they bought from Lisbon said he dreamt of playing for Real Madrid and duly left the club.

Today the Metro delivers yet another Ronald-to-United story:


metro united ronaldo


Utter balls, of course. Tom Olver writes:

Manchester United transfer target Cristiano Ronaldo is ‘clear’ that he will leave Real Madrid at the end of the season…

Clear. No doubt.

Ronaldo’s countdown at Madrid began long ago and the legendary Portugal international is now considering his options away from the Bernabeu, according to Spanish news outlet El Confidencial.

Olver ends his report:

United may face stiff competition from Ligue 1 giants Paris Saint-Germain if Ronaldo does decide to move on next summer.

From being “clear” to leave, Ronaldo’s departure becomes an ‘if’.

Over on El Confidential, we read:

The fate of Cristiano Ronaldo, today, seems clear. His countdown as Real Madrid player launched himself long ago. Something privately repeated more than once, considering that the time has come to begin a new stage elsewhere.

Number of quotes from Ronaldo: nil.


Posted: 28th, November 2015 | In: manchester united, Reviews, Sports | Comment

Cynthia Robinson (1944 – 2015)

Cynthia Robinson has died of cancer. The musician played trumpet with Sly And The Family Stone Roots drummer Questlove salutes her life:

… she wasn’t just a screaming cheerleading foil to Sly & Freddie’s gospel vocals. She was a KICK ASS trumpet player. A crucial intricate part of Sly Stone’s utopian vision of MLK’s America. Cynthia’s role in music history isn’t celebrated enough. Her & sister Rose weren’t just pretty accessories there to “coo” & “shoo wop shoo bob” while the boys got the glory. Naw. They took names and kicked ass while you were dancing in the aisle. Much respect to amazing CynthiaRobinson.

This video show Robinson and the Family in 1968:


Posted: 28th, November 2015 | In: Celebrities, Music, Reviews | Comment

Dog gets stick stuck in his urethra (photos)

door uretha


Basil the elderly Jack Russell was out walking in Chapel Hill, Lincolnshire, when a shaft of plant got wedged up his urethra.


dog urethra


“He was walking like John Wayne when he ran back to us so I knew something was wrong,” says owner Jill Larcombe. “So I checked him and when I saw it I did a double take. I thought ‘oh my goodness, it can’t be’ – there was this stick-like shaft sticking three inches out of him. I tried to give it a little pull but he went ballistic.”


dog urethra 2


A vet, drugs and lubrication saved the day.

Posted: 28th, November 2015 | In: Reviews, Strange But True | Comment

Mother hosted beer and weed party for 12 to 14-year-olds

Mandy Wells weed party texas

Mandy Wells


To Texas, where mother-of-three Mandy Wells, 32, tells police she “thought for minute that it was a bad idea” to provide alcohol and drugs to a party of 12-14 year olds but “did it anyway”.

Court documents allege Wells provided her “depressed” 14-year-old daughter and her pals with cans of Coors Light beer (is that alcohol?) and marijuana, which she loaded into a glass “Hello Kitty” pipe.


weed pipe hello kitty



Wells allegedly confessed to, yes, letting the kids booze, and, yes, letting them get stoned, but she “kept them under control.”

These are the Calpol Kids who graduated.


Wells is being held in the Parker County jail in lieu of $20,000 bond. Her children are away with the social services and the fairies.

Posted: 28th, November 2015 | In: Reviews, Strange But True | Comment

Arsenal balls: Gunners take glorious 14 minute flight to Norwich

Upset at the long, long wait for flying cars, Arsenal have used a passenger jet to make the 14-minute flight from London Luton airport to Norwich ahead of Sunday’s game at Carrow Road.

The 115-mile journey from the club’s London Colney training ground to Norwich’s stadium would take around two hours by coach or train.

Flying rules!

Plane Stupid, a network of grass root groups that keep tabs on the expansion of the aviation industry and help bring an end to ‘needless’ short haul flights, are upset. Intolerant Plane Stupid spokesperson Ella Gilbert tells the London Evening Standard:

Having lived in Norwich and Finsbury Park, I can tell you that this is a distance that you can do in two hours by train, without fuelling climate change. This is ridiculous.

Trains run on water and dreams. Fact!

I’m a life-long Gooner so I’m used to being occasionally embarrassed by my team, but I prefer them to wait until after kick-off before humiliating their supporters.

Don’t fly to Norwich, the Canaries aren’t worth it.

Presumably a match against a bigger team, say, Tottenham or Chelsea, is more worth it Have the helicopters readied. Driving is for the stupid…


Posted: 28th, November 2015 | In: Arsenal, Reviews, Sports | Comment