Reviews | Anorak - Part 60

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We don’t just report off-beat news, breaking news and digest the best and worst of the news media analysis and commentary. We give an original take on what happened and why. We add lols, satire, news photos and original content.

Manchester United: Wayne Rooney can’t stop scoring

MANCHESTER, ENGLAND - AUGUST 08:  Wayne Rooney of Manchester United celebrates his 1-0 win in the Barclays Premier League match between Manchester United and Tottenham Hotspur at Old Trafford on August 8, 2015 in Manchester, England.  (Photo by Clive Brunskill/Getty Images)

Wayne Rooney of Manchester United celebrates his 1-0 win in the Barclays Premier League match between Manchester United and Tottenham Hotspur at Old Trafford on August 8, 2015 in Manchester, England. (Photo by Clive Brunskill/Getty Images)


How’s life treating Manchester United and England captain Wayne Rooney? After United had completed these routine defeat of Aston Villa at Villa Park (in their last 40 league matches, Villa have won once, lost 29 and drawn 10), the papers shone a light on the nation’s main man.

All but one news source thought Rooney was poor:

Daily Mail: “Wayne Rooney is on his way to being burnt out and the Manchester United captain looks as ineffectual as he has ever been”

Daily Mail: “Manchester United need a new striker: With Wayne Rooney out of sorts, Louis van Gaal needs fresh firepower to boost title hopes”

The Guardian: “Loose passing, wasteful finishing and a particularly bad night for Wayne Rooney kept the hosts in the game”

ESPN: “There were hopes that Manchester United captain Wayne Rooney would rediscover some form against Aston Villa on Friday night… Remarkably, though, he was even worse than he was against Tottenham last week. His lack of mobility, touch and pace prevent him from leading the line successfully. When you compare him to strikers at rival clubs, like Sergio Aguero, the gap in quality between them is embarrassing.”

The Times: “They need more, of course — not least from Wayne Rooney, who looks short of fitness or confidence or both”

MEN: “Manchester United fan ratings: Rooney struggles”

BBC: “Striker Wayne Rooney was supposed to be the main man up front this season but the early signs have been a little worrying for United. As in the opening game against Tottenham the United and England skipper struggled to make an impact leading the line. And it was not until injury time that he touched the ball in the opposition penalty area”

And the one that disagreed:

The Sun: “SUN STAR MAN — Wayne Rooney, Manchester United”


Screen Shot 2015-08-17 at 13.41.44


Wonder which newspaper wants Rooney as its next columnist?

Posted: 17th, August 2015 | In: manchester united, Reviews, Sports | Comment

Transfer Balls: Nicolas Otamendi agrees Manchester United but joins Manchester City



Is Nicolas Otamendi going to play for Manchester United? Or is the Valencia defender off to play for Manchester City?

There’s been lots of talk about Nicolas Otamendi joining Manchester United. Stories like: “Manchester United AGREE deal to sign Valencia star Nicolas Otamendi”; “Deal done: Man United target Nicolas Otamendi agrees move, will be announced today” (both Daily Star); “Nicolas Otamendi to Manchester United: Club agree to sign £36m-rated centre-back” (Independent); and “Real Madrid believe Manchester United have sealed Nicolas Otamendi transfer” (Daily Mirror).

It turns out these stories are all utter balls because the Daily Mail says Manchester City are “close to completing the £28.5m signing of Valencia defender Nicolas Otamendi, 27, with City defender Eliaquim Mangala, 24, likely to go to the Spanish club on loan.” Although, the Express says the fee is £35m.

Posted: 17th, August 2015 | In: Manchester City, manchester united, Reviews, Sports | Comment (1)

Man draws gun: British man holds up Polish bank with artwork

gun crime

To Warsaw, Poland,where a 33-year-old British man is holding up a bank. He draws a gun. He hands the cashier a piece of paper. The bank worker sees the drawing. He hands her a second piece of paper, on which he’s written in imperfect Polish: “This is a robbery I have a gun give me all the money.” 

The cashier tells him to wait whilst she goes to vaults to collect the money. He waits. She does not return stagging beneath the weight of a large piece of paper on which she has drawn a massive gold ingot. He, more the pity, does not accept the drawing of gold bullion and escape.

What she does do it call the police, who arrive and arrest the desperate cartoonist. He faces up to 12 years prison for attempting an armed robbery.

But so long as he’s got a pencil and paper, our artistic villain should be ok, what his yacht, escape tunnel and harem.



Posted: 17th, August 2015 | In: Reviews, Strange But True | Comment

Eva Carneiro: doctor’s crime was exposing Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho as a ‘cheat’

Why was Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho so enraged when Dr Eva Carneiro dashed on to the field of play and treated a writhing Evan Hazard?

Dominic Lawson has an idea, writing in the Sunday Times he says what really irked the bitchy Chelsea boss was not Dr Eva’s womanhood or her decision to place her own moral compass and professionalism ahead of team tactics. Her crime was exposing Mourinho’s plot to stretch the rules:

It looked as if the player concerned was badly hurt but he wasn’t — and Mourinho understood this. Indeed the reason why the rules now state that injured players must be removed from the field of play — so the match can continue — is precisely because so many players were feigning injury to waste time.




Lawson adds:

What Mourinho appeared to be saying was that his medical team were not in on the scam — and it was unforgivable that they did not sufficiently grasp that faking or exaggerating injury is part and parcel of the professional game. In other words, it was their job to spot those rare occasions when the player really was badly injured — and to ignore the referee’s summons when the official might not have realised that this was just play-acting. 

Can players use a secret signal to tell the bench it’s an act? Time, perhaps, for a return to daytime tell Una Stubbs, whose mega TV careeer includes a role as team captain on Gives US a Clue. Move over Dr Eva, there’s a new woman on the Chelsea bench and she’s got a bigger media profile than even you:




Now play along: see if you can spot the fakes in our great collection of football ‘injuries’.

Posted: 16th, August 2015 | In: Chelsea, Reviews, Sports | Comment

Christian sex: ‘Jon eats a raw potato to take himself out of the mood’

Christian sex


Spotter: @69hunna

Posted: 16th, August 2015 | In: Reviews | Comment

Kiss and tell: my sex and more sex with sex mad Chelsea doctor sexy Eve Carneiro

sex rupert dr evaDid you know that Chelsea doctor Eva Carneiro is “sex mad”? It’s all she thinks about.

When Arsenal fans are asking “Have you ever had a Gooner up your arse?” and Manchester United supporters are telling her to “Get your tits out for the lads”, Dr Eva is thinking about sex. When she’s treating Eden Hazard in the closing stages of Chelsea’s opening game of the 2015-16 season at Stamford Bridge she’s thinking about sex. When bitchy Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho is belittling her in public, she’s thinking about sex. Even when she’s rubbing John Terry’s thighs she is thinking about sex. Eva Carneiro is “sex mad”.

The Sun delivers the news that matters, reporting the words of one Rupert Patterson-Ward. He says he and Dr Eva had sex “a million times”. He says:

“This woman ruined my life. Eva would blurt out she had slept with one of the players during heated rows. She said it just to make me feel bad. I don’t believe it was true.’’

He didn’t believe it but does believe we should know.

Rupert, 33, then talks about sex.

“Eva is a very sexual woman and not many people know the real her. She’s ruthless and gets whatever and whoever she wants. I was besotted with her and we were planning a family, but she chewed me up and spat me out.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 16th, August 2015 | In: Chelsea, Reviews, Sports | Comment

Thomas Muller: ‘Ask Manchester United If They Will Pay More For Me’

Is Thomas Muller heading to Manchester United?

MILAN, ITALY - FEBRUARY 23:  FC Bayern Muenchen head coach Louis van Gaal (L) and Thomas Muller celebrate victory at the end of the UEFA Champions League round of 16 first leg match between Inter Milan v FC Bayern Muenchen on February 23, 2011 in Milan, Italy.  (Photo by Valerio Pennicino/Getty Images)

MILAN, ITALY – FEBRUARY 23: FC Bayern Muenchen head coach Louis van Gaal (L) and Thomas Muller celebrate victory at the end of the UEFA Champions League round of 16 first leg match between Inter Milan v FC Bayern Muenchen on February 23, 2011 in Milan, Italy. (Photo by Valerio Pennicino/Getty Images)


The Sunday Express leads with news that Bayern Munich’s Thomas Muller, 25, wants to join Manchester United. Readers learn that United have had a £60 million bid rejected this summer but Bayern manager manager Pep Guardiola is “prepared to cash in”.

The Telegraph says the bid was £50m.


Screen Shot 2015-08-16 at 07.01.41


The German champion’s chief executive Karl-Heinz Rummenigge is wary of Premier League cash, telling media:

“The Bundesliga has to be careful not to fall further behind. We would be out of our minds to sell Muller… It’s difficult. Everyone knows our old friend Louis van Gaal. He is very stubborn in those things. Maybe he thinks that there is a price where Bayern will start to ruminate but there is no price at all. As I said because of our partners and our really good financial situation we are completely resistant. There is no price, Thomas Muller has four years more on his contract. There is no one, not here or anywhere, who can explain to me why we should sell Thomas Muller.”

But he wants to join, right? The Express reports:

“Muller has confided in friends that he is interested in a move to United alongside Schweinsteiger who has been delighted with his Old Trafford welcome. Muller knows that his wages would enjoy a hefty rise.”

Is that the ploy: confide in’ friends’ who betray their pal’s trust by telling media that the star could earn a lot more at another club thus triggereing a pay rise? Are those nameless friends also employees of Muller’s agent?

The Metro reads the Express‘ “exclusive” and thunders: “Thomas Muller desperate to make Manchester United transfer.”

Helpfully, Thomas Muller was happy to talk about the rumours after scoring twice in Bayern’s 5-0 tonking of Hamburg. Asked if Van Gaal was after signing him, Muller replied:

“I don’t know, you have to ask him. I am the wrong man for this question.”

So. He’s not desperate to join Manchester United, then.


Posted: 16th, August 2015 | In: Chelsea, Manchester City, manchester united, Reviews, Sports | Comment

Chelsea: Jon Fearn is the real victim of sexism

Eva Carneiro


It’s sexism, isn’t. The row between Jose Mourinho and his medical team is all about sex and gender. It’s Jose Mourinho v Dr Eva Carneiro. No one spares a thought for Jon Fearn, the domestic-reared male who works as the Chelsea physio. When he and Dr Carneiro dashed onto the Stamford Bridge turf to treat the stricken Eden Hazard, the journalisomobile noticed only Mourinho jittering on the sidelines and Dr Eva looking astonishing female.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 15th, August 2015 | In: Chelsea, Reviews, Sports | Comment

Edward Heath the peadophile: Jimmy Savile’s nephew says, police trawl, Myra Ling-Ling Forde’s tame coppers

9th January 1979:  Edward Heath, British Conservative politician and prime minister (1970 - 1974) playing the piano to the amusement of Kermit the Frog and Paddington Bear.  (Photo by Evening Standard/Getty Images)

9th January 1979: Edward Heath, British Conservative politician and prime minister (1970 – 1974) playing the piano to the amusement of Kermit the Frog and Paddington Bear. (Photo by Evening Standard/Getty Images)


No-one has dug Ted Heath up and buried the former Prime Minister face down in an unmarked grave. Yet. Police in Wiltshire and the NSPCC are inviting anyone who ‘believes’ they may have been absued by the dead Tory Leader in his lifetime to get in touch via a hotline.

The advert trills:

Sir Edward Heath has been named in relation to offences concerning children. He lived in Salisbury for many years and we would like to hear from anyone who has any relevant information that may assist us in our enquiries or anyone who believes they may have been a victim.

Not alleged offences. Simply offences. Ted is “named”. It has been decreed. And it’s hard to escape that part about “belief”. Once upon a time, only victims were allowed to call the official hotlines dealing with historical sex abuse. Now anyone who believes they’ve been a victim can call.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 14th, August 2015 | In: Politicians, Reviews | Comment

Prince William issues his latest attack on free speech: Prince George and Princess Charlotte are beyond your grasp

kate naked


Kensington Palace says photographers must stop harrassing Prince George and Princess Charlotte. Look out for lots of stories demanding Kate and Wills have their privacy, all illustrated with stick drawings of the Family.

Kensington Palace communications secretary Jason Knauf tells us:

“It is of course upsetting that such tactics – reminiscent as they are of past surveillance by groups intent on doing more than capturing images – are being deployed to profit from the image of a two-year-old boy.

“In a heightened security environment such tactics are a risk to all involved.

“The worry is that it will not always be possible to quickly distinguish between someone taking photos and someone intending to do more immediate harm.”

It’s a terrorism issue? The paps want shooting? Maybe instead of shooting a lovely creature in cold blood, Prince George right of passage could involve spearing a photographer in the face?

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 14th, August 2015 | In: Reviews, Royal Family | Comment

Muslim religious sectarianism is destroying the myth of a British community

When is racism not racism? When it’s “religious sectarianism”. The Times says Britain’s Muslim “community” is not all that united. Not that people who share a common spirituality or colour hold community meetings. The world ‘community’ is patrionising, individual-denying and horribly misused. If you’re in a community you get to have a community spokesman (often the kind of utter berk who likes control and power) with whom the majority can meet to sort out your issues. It saves time and the effort of seeing people as contradictory and complex selves.

An investigation by The Times has found a sharp but largely hidden rise in sectarian tensions between the minority Shia community and the dominant Sunni groups, driven by the long, bitter war in Syria. Ill-feeling is being stoked by vitriolic preachers on both sides of the divide — including some who lecture at British universities — and incidents such as assaults, attacks on buildings and intimidation online.

You see. Berks.

Sayed Ammar Nakshwani, one of the world’s leading Shia clerics, revealed that he recently left Britain for the United States after enduring years of intimidation from hardline Sunnis who allegedly threatened his life, followed his parents and vandalised his car.

Sheikh Ahmed Haneef, a Shia imam in London, called for 24-hour police protection for Shia mosques and said that community leaders needed to step up security to guard against the threat of “blowback” from Islamic State sympathisers carrying out terrorist attacks.

Qari Muhammad Asim, a leading Sunni voice and imam at the Makkah mosque in Leeds, is quoted:

“Our faith doesn’t condone takfir [excommunication] of another. It is against Prophetic tradition and if we follow the same path as the Middle East, where sectarianism has fuelled conflict, we are in trouble.”

Mr Haneef, of the Islamic Centre of England, a Shia mosque in north London, makes a sound point:

 “The ­venomous preaching combined with the jihadists coming back into the country and looking to carry out ­opportunist attacks — that puts us in a very dangerous situation. We’re a soft target for opportunist terrorism. We have been ramping up security but I don’t think it’s enough — we should have round-the-clock police protection. The community needs to be more aware of the threat. We need to be more like the Jewish community, who are extremely sensitive to the security issues.”

We’d argue that people need to think more for themselves.


Posted: 14th, August 2015 | In: Reviews | Comment

Arsenal: Wenger slaps Mourinho with a delicious swipe at Chelsea

LONDON, ENGLAND - OCTOBER 05:  Managers Arsene Wenger of Arsenal and Jose Mourinho manager of Chelsea clash during the Barclays Premier League match between Chelsea and Arsenal at Stamford Bridge on October 4, 2014 in London, England.  (Photo by Shaun Botterill/Getty Images)


What the row over Chelsea club doctor Eva Carneiro needed was the views of Arsenal manager Arsène Wenger. Jose Mourinho has behaved badly, comparing Dr Carneiro to a secretary and banishing her from the bench for the match away to Manchester City on Sunday. Her offence was to have raced onto the pitch to treat a stricken Eden Hazard (Jose said he was “tired”) against his wishes during Chelsea’s 2-2 draw with Swansea City at Stamford Bridge last Saturday.

So. Here’s Wenger fielding a question on the fracas from the Press pack:

“I’m not greatly interested about what is going on at Chelsea. It is a problem inside the club that if you are not united it is more difficult. It is the trust and unity that makes the strength.”


“The rules are quite clear that when the referee gives an indication that the medical [staff] can come on they come on. After that what happens specifically in the situation I don’t know but the rules are quite clear. It is the referee who makes the decision.”


Cue Arsenal’s Mikel Arteta:

“The way he behaved and the way he defended the club when we were really under pressure is something I admire. We all owe him.”

Unity they name is Arsenal.

Posted: 14th, August 2015 | In: Arsenal, Chelsea, Reviews, Sports | Comment

Shoplifter hid stolen meat in his colostomy bag (with mug shot)

colostomy thief


To South Carolina, where “an older white male” has stolen $75 worth of ribeye steaks by secreting the meat inside his colostomy bag.

David Samuel Hoyt, 55, admitted the theft.

The steaks remain missing.



Posted: 14th, August 2015 | In: Reviews, Strange But True | Comment

Listen to Okilly Dokilly: the Ned Flanders trubite band have a song out

ned flanders tribute band


To Phoenix, Arizona, where Okilly Dokilly – the world’s first and only Ned Flanders tribute band – are talking to James McCann. They play ‘Nedal’ music. It being what The Simpson’s character would have wanted.

As their Facebook bio notes: “most of our songs are direct Ned quotes.”

Lead Singer Head Ned On How They Got Started

“Myself and our drummer (Bled Ned) were in line at a grocery store, entertaining ourselves by coming up with really cutesy names for really hardcore, brutal bands. The name Okilly Dokilly came up and was very funny to us. We ran with it. I contacted a few friends (Red Ned, Thread Ned and Stead Ned), and here we are. Most of us have played in other bands around our hometown. This is definitely the heaviest sounding project any of us Neds have done.”


The Sound

“Not as fast as Bartcore, and a little cleaner than Krusty Punk. Not as heavy as ‘Homer J.ent’ – Nedal is a happy medium in the Simpscene.”



Are You All Left Handed?

“I am,”says Head Ned. “The other Neds aren’t so lucky. It made writing All That Is Left pretty fun,” he continues. “It’s our homage to the Leftorium, and the bridge is entirely left handed puns.”


The Dream

In reality, this is all just an over-the-top attempt at getting Matt Groening’s autograph, even if it comes on a cease and desist letter.


And now for the demo tape:

Posted: 14th, August 2015 | In: Key Posts, Music, Reviews, TV & Radio | Comment

Manchester United Transfer Balls: Van Gaal tosses David De Gea to the wolves

LEON, SPAIN - JUNE 11:  Goalkeeper David de Gea of Spain arrives at Reino de Leon Stadium before the international friendly match between Spain and Costa Rica on June 11, 2015 in Leon, Spain.  (Photo by Gonzalo Arroyo Moreno/Getty Images)


Spanish goalkeeper David Ge Dea has, says the Sun, told Louis van Gaal he does not want to play for Manchester United. The hammer-headed Van Gaal is quoted:

“We’ve talked with him, he was fully agreed with our decision. We have a goalkeeping coach, Frans Hoek. He had a meeting with David De Gea and he asks him ‘Do you want to play?’.

“No. So then I have to take the decision. It is a process.

“We had been observing him in preparation, he was not so good, he was not the same David de Gea as before. He was my best player last season. According to the fans, he was the best of the last two years.”

Why would Van Gaal share that informaion with the media? Is he trying to shame De Gea into staying at Old Trafford?

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 14th, August 2015 | In: manchester united, Reviews, Sports | Comment

Kerry Katona relies on the Sun for news of her husband’s arrest

kerry-katona-naked-tongueKerry Katona “has no idea” her husband Geroge Kay has been arrested. Former rugby league player George Kay was held on suspicion of conspiracy to commit robbery — “but wife Kerry has no idea.”

A “source” close enough to know the contents of Kerry’s mind tells us:

“Kerry doesn’t know that George has been arrested. When she finds out she will be heartbroken. It is the last thing she needs after the year they have had.”

Who needs social media and faddish telephones when you have the Sun to broadcast news on your personal life. Kerry’s not yet seen the Town Crier hold up an analogue sketch of her bum and yell “OMG!” but we’re seeing the start of a retro news trend. It can’t be long.  


Picture 1 of 23



Posted: 14th, August 2015 | In: Celebrities, Reviews | Comment

Police hunt man who cyber-flashed London woman a photo of his penis

Analogue flashing

Analogue flashing


You can send anyone a photo of your penis via a feature “buried in Apple’s iPhone”, says the Indy. No need to download Snapchat or send an email. One iPhone user found the feature and sent a stranger a photo of his knob.

The woman received the picture during her journey on a train in South London, when she was sent it using Apple’s AirDrop feature. The technology is intended to let people easily share pictures between phones — but can be used by anyone in the immediate vicinity to send images to other people.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 13th, August 2015 | In: Reviews, Technology | Comment

Julian Assange: free to leave London in 2020 if he’s not roasted to death first

LONDON, ENGLAND - MARCH 16: Supporters hold placards during a vigil outside the Ecuadorean embassy on March 16, 2015 in London, England. Wikileaks founder Julian Assange has lived there since claiming refuge in 2012 to avoid extradition to Sweden where he is wanted for questioning over sex assault allegations. Supporters are to hold a vigil today to mark the 1,000 days since Assange originally claimed asylum at the embassy.  (Photo by Carl Court/Getty Images)

Supporters hold placards during a vigil outside the Ecuadorean embassy on March 16, 2015 in London, England. Wikileaks founder Julian Assange has lived there since claiming refuge in 2012 to avoid extradition to Sweden where he is wanted for questioning over sex assault allegations. Supporters are to hold a vigil today to mark the 1,000 days since Assange originally claimed asylum at the embassy. (Photo by Carl Court/Getty Images)


Julian Assange still lives in London. The Wikipedia founder sought in connection with an alleged rape is living in swanky Knightsbridge, in the Ecuardorean Embassy.

The Times is no fan of Assange. It says his time in the one of the best parts of London is coming to an end. .

The Ecuadorean embassy in swish Hans Crescent, long-suffering host to the whistleblower for more than three years, is no penal colony. It has, however, been turned upside down by its grandstanding squatter.

Is he squatting? He’s surely an invited guest. London is no longer as interesting as it once was, a place where squatters could occupy the good parts. London’s smartest districts are now gilded in foreign cash, peopled by brash Russian oligarchs and their lickspittles. Squatter! If only.

Now the Ecuadoreans are wondering whether the latest shift in Mr Assange’s legal status — original sex abuse allegations, denied by him, are no longer chargeable after August 19 — will soon have him packing his bags. Or, as some fear, he could be digging in for the long, long haul.

The BBC adds:

Under Swedish law, charges cannot be laid without interviewing the suspect. Prosecutors had until 13 August to question Mr Assange about one accusation of sexual molestation and one of unlawful coercion, while the time limit on a further allegation of sexual molestation runs out on 18 August. The more serious allegation of rape is not due to expire until 2020.

An unnamed “diplomat” tells the paper:

“Day has been turned into night, night into day. It is virtually impossible to conduct a normal diplomatic relationship when you are also functioning as a one-man boutique hotel.”

What facilities are their at the hotel?

Mr Assange inhabits a back office in the ten-room Victorian apartment. There is a treadmill, donated by the film director Ken Loach, a sun lamp — the embassy has no garden and he cannot even enter the lobby of the block without risk of arrest — a computer, a kitchenette.

Ken Loach donated a treadmill. If only Brian Glover had lived to it.

His celebrity visitors — was it Yoko Ono? Dame Vivienne Westwood? The actress Maggie Gyllenhaal, perhaps, or Eric Cantona? — lobbied the ambassador. Julian needed his sleep. So a women’s toilet was converted into a bedroom, and the embassy shrank yet further.

We learn that the embassy now uses keycards, because the doors cannot be left unlocked at night.

Mr Assange holds dinner parties sometimes but the guests bring the food and drink.

Assange never leaves – not even when someone shouts ‘FIRE!”:

There was even speculation in Ecuador that the British authorities might be trying to smoke out Mr Assange when the fire alarm sounded recently, sending all of the inhabitants of the building to the street in accordance with the evacuation plan. Only Mr Assange and one of the guards stayed behind, prepared to risk a roasting rather than arrest.

Assange of Arc never did materialise. The divine would-be martyr lived.

The President of Ecuador rarely calls nowadays, however, and has other things on his mind. Today President Correa faces a day of national protests and the prospect of a general strike. He is, say his critics in Quito, having to fight for his political survival. That does not augur well for the “guest” whose checkout time is fast approaching.

Balls. He’s there for the long haul.

Posted: 13th, August 2015 | In: Reviews | Comment

Chelsea: Eva Carneiro exposes what Jose Mourinho thinks of working women

Eva Carneiro jose


When Chelsea FC’s manger Jose Mourinho thought it a good idea to admonish club doctor Eva Carneiro in public for treating Eden Hazard on the pitch, he crank-started the journalisomobile.

Michael Oliver, the referee, indicated that Hazard required attention. Mourinho felt that the more important factor was his team being down to nine men against Swansea (one had already been sent off).

Mourinho was upset, stating:

“I wasn’t happy with my medical staff because even if you are a medical doctor or secretary on the bench you have to understand the game.”

A secretary? Smell that whiff of sexism?

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 13th, August 2015 | In: Chelsea, Reviews, Sports | Comment

Celebrity Big Brother: Danniella Westbrook is ‘incredibly incoherent’

Danniella Westbrook’s Celebrity Big Brother comeback is off. The Sun says a CBB “shrink” (actually the show’s psychologist) talked with the 41-year-old former EastEnders actress and reformed cocaine addict who became known to millions as the “girl with no nose” and decided it would be best to cancel.

But the real shocker is that CBB was prepared to pay the former star £200,000 to be on the telly. We don’t know what the actress was paid to appear on I’m Famous – and Frightened with former TV chef Rustie Lee. ‘Handy’ Andy Kane from Changing Rooms, Jade Goody’s boyfriend and Madge from Neighbours but we’d guess it was shy of £200,000. And surely it was alway a risk to hire Westbrook who quit I’m a Celebrity when she found a rat in her hammock.


Danniella-Westbrook naked sexy


Westbrook’s hopes to rival Katie Price in the hardback bestseller lists are dashed. 

A nameless “source” arrives to tell us what legend Danniella is:

 “The producers were desperate to get Danniella on the show because, let’s face it, she’d make great TV. She was invited to meet them and alarm bells started ringing straight away. She was incredibly incoherent.”

That’s what happens when you work too long on EastEnders. You end up talking in a BBC Cockney patois. Trains of thought are interrupted by massive pauses. You reply to questions by barking ‘Sort it aht!’. You are routinely out-thought and out-acted by a dog.

It’s hard not to feel some sympathy for Danniella. TV careers have been built on less.


Picture 1 of 14

LONDON - JANUARY 30: Actress Danniella Westbrook poses for photographers as she arrives at the premiere of Two Weeks Notice on January 30, 2003 in London. (Photo by Scott Barbour/Getty Images)

Posted: 13th, August 2015 | In: Celebrities, Reviews, TV & Radio | Comment

Edward Heath: Myra “Ling Ling” Forde is more trustworthy than everyone in power

Edward Heath: a round-up of the claims that the former – now dead – Prime Minister and Tory MP was a child abuser.

The Sun: “Truth about me and Heath”

Me is…

EXCLUSIVE: Brothel madam says ex-PM was gay but no paedo

If you can’t trust a brothel madam named Myra “Ling Ling” Forde to sell a story deep in fact and veracity about a famous dead man to the tabloids, who can you trust? She is news because, as the Telegraph reported:

A retired senior detective from the force came forward last year to allege that his colleagues quietly dropped a trial against twice married Forde in order to protect the reputation of the former Tory leader.

That allegation is now the subject of an Independent Police Complaints Commission (IPCC) investigation, but Wiltshire Police have also appealed for any potential victims of Sir Edward to come forward.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 12th, August 2015 | In: Reviews | Comment

Transfer Balls: Benzema and Cavani in two-pronged assault on Arsenal fans

Transfer Balls realises that in footballing terms The Metro is now working as the Daily Telegraph’s feeder club. Following the DT’s news that Arsenal had signed Karim Benzema from Real Madrid last Friday – and were paying him less than Theo Walcott earns – the paper tells is readers that Benzema is not coming.


daily telegraph arsenal


Arsene Wenger will surprise Arsenal fans by moving for PSG striker Edinson Cavani – and not Karim Benzema, according to reports.

The DT shamelessly adds:

While many expect Wenger to make an official bid for the Real Madrid forward, the Arsenal manager is said to be lining up an offer to sign the south American star instead.

Many expected Benzema to join Arsenal? Or as the Telegraph put it:


Screen Shot 2015-08-11 at 21.17.53


Readers now learn:

…now Arsenal are ready to free Cavani from his PSG days by making their move, according to the Metro.

Er, no. What the Metro says is:


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Lee Hurley writes:

If you were to believe the press reports over the past 24 hours Arsenal are ready to bid for Edinson Cavani (again) and Karim Benzema has/is flying in for a medical with the club.

You means Press reports like this one:


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And this one:


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Hurley adds:

The Cavani reports seem to stem from Spain, an unlikely point of origin for a player who is currently in France but being linked with England, while the Benzema reports seem to come from Twitter – a hotbed of nonsense at the best of times (although a goldmine for information if you have your bullsh*t filter tuned correctly).

The Telegraph prefers a bullshit pipeline from The Metro.

Posted: 11th, August 2015 | In: Arsenal, manchester united, Reviews, Sports | Comment

Madeleine McCann: Pittsburgh terrorists, the blonde theory and Frankie Boyle’s fun with child murder

madeleine mccann first press call


Madeleine McCann: it’s the summer and, naturally, the missing child is back in the news.

Daily Mail: “Eye-scanners used to track terrorists adapted to help search for missing children like Madeleine McCann”

Why missing children like Our Maddie? Why not anyone whose missing?

Eye-scanners used to track terrorists are being adapted to help search for missing children. Researchers at a Pittsburgh university have developed high-resolution cameras that can be placed at major checkpoints, such as airports and border crossings, to scan a person’s iris from 40-feet away.

So. Not children, then. It’s a story about a technology hat can be applied to anyone, regardless of age.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 11th, August 2015 | In: Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comment

Sex: woman has 6 spontaneous orgasms every day in her foot

feet sex orgasm


Do you suffer from Foot Orgasm Syndrome (FOS)?Dr. Justin Lehmiller reports on on those who endure /enjoy orgasms via their feet:

“Mrs. A” (as she is identified in the case report) was having 5-6 orgasms per day in her left foot that were very similar in nature to orgasms she had experienced through genital stimulation; however, they were typically a bit shorter than a vaginal/clitoral orgasm, lasting 5-6 seconds before cutting off abruptly. These foot orgasms occurred suddenly and spontaneously—no sexual desire or arousal necessary. In addition, while they originated in the left foot, the orgasmic sensations traveled to other areas of the body, including up the left leg and to the vagina, and she sometimes experienced vaginal lubrication along with these orgasms.

Read on: Foot Orgasm Syndrome: She Experienced 5-6 Orgasms A Day Originating In Her Left Foot


Posted: 11th, August 2015 | In: Reviews, Strange But True | Comment

Welsh glow worms deterred from sex with lamp posts with new LED lights

glow worm wales

Welsh perverts and badger enthusiasts looking to further their interests can add glow worm watching to the list of hobbies.

Glow worm populations in Llandudno’s Great Orme have “boomed” following the council’s move to replace traditional street lights because they were interfering with beast’s mating habits. It turns out that male glow worms thoughts sex with a sodium illumination more alluring that the local talent. But the new LED lights are not nearly so shaggable so it’s back to her indoors for Gary Glow Worm.

The Daily Post reports:


The realisation that the sodium lamps were interrupting the mating patterns was made by amateur naturalist Jenni Cox, who noticed the problem on Marine Drive. She said: “I first discovered them in 2011 when I was just walking down Marine Drive. I reported my findings to the national glow worm survey and came back out to count them. I counted 300 females, although there didn’t seem to be many males finding them.



The males were all watching the local doggers and MPs, allegedly.

Posted: 11th, August 2015 | In: Reviews | Comment