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Love Me Tender

‘ALSO tying the knot in this week’s Hello! are Lisa Marie Presley and Nicolas Cage, daughter of the dead music legend and nephew of the star director respectively.

The groom also wore white

”Despite the couple’s Hollywood credentials, the top-secret ceremony was kept low-key and intimate,” says Hello!. But not so intimate that the magazine couldn’t sneak a couple of spies with telephoto lenses into the grounds.

”Lisa Marie and Nicolas looked very much in love,” an onlooker at the luxurious Mauna Lani Bay Hotel in Hawaii tells Hello!. ”They way he put his arm around her and held her was very tender and delicate.”

But is there something a little troubling about their love? Could it be that, like Charles and Di, there are three people in this marriage? Hello! writes that ”Nicolas’s longtime fascination with Lisa Marie’s late father… threatened to jeopardise the relationship”.

”A lifelong fan, Nicolas had a collection of memorabilia dedicated to The King and had even mastered a near-perfect impersonation of him – as demonstrated in the films Honeymoon In Vegas and Wild At Heart.”

But, fortunately, ”this did not impress Lisa Marie” – and she certainly never asks him to dress up for her in his rhinestones and white jumpsuit at home.

Posted: 21st, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Baby Talk

‘NOW that Nicolas and Lisa Marie have made it legal, it surely won’t be long before they hear the pitter-patter of little blue suede shoes around the house.

One of the lovely things Damian has taught Liz

But Liz Hurley didn’t wait for a husband before she went forth and multiplied, and she couldn’t be happier about her decision, as she tells Hello!.

”It’s enhanced every single part of my life,” she says of being a mother. ”All I secretly want to do is go home and play with Damian.” So it must be very difficult for her when all she publicly wants to do is go out to parties in designer frocks.

”I just love having him in my life,” she continues. ”It really, really reminds you of what’s important and what brings you great joy. And you see him bring such great joy to everybody else, too, it’s enchanting. I had absolutely no idea that it could possibly be that lovely.”

One of the reasons Ms Hurley was so unprepared for the joys of motherhood was because, as she says, ”I never really knew that many babies before and had hardly ever spent any time with them.”

Isn’t she forgetting those 13 years she was with Hugh Grant?’

Posted: 21st, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Stepping Down The Aisle

‘WE’RE in familiar territory in this week’s Hello!, where an obscure singer has just got married in a ”fairytale wedding”. These are not the nuptials of Kym Marsh and Jack Ryder (see OK!), but of Faye Tozer and Jesper Irn.

In this fairytale, Faye plays the ugly sister

”Who?” we hear you ask. Faye is formerly of the band Steps, while Jesper is her long-term Danish lover. And, as Hello! assures us, ”It was never going to be an ordinary wedding, even by celebrity standards”.

After all, it’s not every celebrity who gets hitched in a dress apparently constructed from slaughtered swans, or displays such an all-encompassing lack of taste when it comes to celebrating their special day.

Rather using the words tasteless and pretentious, Hello! prefers to describe the proceedings as ”spectacular and unashamedly over-the-top”.

The event had a ”distressed fairytale” theme – not a reference to orphaned children and sexually suspect dwarves on the bride’s side, but ”a whimsical, romantic wedding with an ironic modern twist”.

”Think pre-Raphaelite and Gainsborough with some Jane Austen and a stately home thrown in,” suggests Hello!.

We have another suggestion – but we’ll save that until after the kiddies have gone to bed.

Posted: 21st, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


The Neverending Story

‘NO PRIZES for guessing the big story in this week’s OK! magazine. It’s the wedding of Jack Ryder and Kym Marsh, and OK! has the ”WORLD EXCLUSIVE” – which must have annoyed all those American magazines desperate to pay top dollar for the story.

”Will you marry me? Think of how much we’ll make…”

But to the victor go the spoils, and OK! is proudly displaying its spoils at the front of the stall.

”ALL THE PICTURES THE WORLD HAS WAITED TO SEE,” it calls to passers by. ”THE DRESS, CEREMONY, CELEBRITY BRIDESMAIDS, RINGS, STAR GUESTS AND INTIMATE INTERVIEWS.”

Phew! Quite a list. They’re going to need a lot of space to fit that lot in. Luckily though, they have found space: pages 46 to 73, to be precise.

And very nice it is too, with lots of pictures, and an interesting interview too, in which they talk about their vows, their religious views, the wedding dress, the rings, the name-change, the honeymoon, the guest-list, and all sorts of other delightful things.

In fact, there are so many interesting things that not only do we not have room to go into them, but even OK! itself can’t do the story justice in a mere 27 pages.

So in next week’s issue we get part two (”JOIN THE COUPLE AT THEIR STAR-STUDDED RECEPTION FOR A NIGHT TO REMEMBER”). Ask your newsagent to reserve you a copy.

And don’t forget to take your medication.’

Posted: 20th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Better Late Than Never

‘KATE LAWLER graces the pages of OK! this week, and the Big Brother winner’s chosen venue for the photo-shoot is Highbury, home of Arsenal Football Club, the great love of Kate’s life.

Arsene – just a minor figure at Highbury

But she reveals that there is no Gooner tradition in her South London family. ”My dad’s Charlton, my twin’s Millwall, my mum’s Crystal Palace, my sister’s Millwall and my brother’s Tottenham,” she explains.

Kate started supporting Arsenal because a friend of hers did. ”And we loved Ian Wright!” she enthuses. And Ian visited the Big Brother house while Kate was incarcerated there during the summer, greeting her through the one-way mirror.

The Arsenal talk continues for a while, but eventually, like all good things, it has to come to an end. And when it does, Kate remarks casually that she hasn’t been to see the Gunners for a while.

How long’s that, then? ”I haven’t seen a match since Arsene Wenger’s been in charge,” she says.

Oh well, not to worry, Kate. You haven’t missed much.

Posted: 20th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Alex Cleans Up

‘ALEX from Big Brother is busy cleaning up as a result of his new-found fame, cashing in on his notorious fastidiousness with a new television ad.

Next in line to feel Alex’s wrath

In case you haven’t seen the ad, OK! describes it in detail and we are happy to repeat this service for any of our own readers who haven’t yet had the pleasure.

It all plays on the famous BB incident in which the Essex model freaked out upon discovering that fellow housemates were urinating in the shower.

We think that we see Alex repeating the deed himself, until the camera pulls back to reveal that the jet of liquid spurting from Alex’s groin is… Domestos!

And he turns around and mimes to That’s The Way (I Like It), the song with which he became synonymous after the famous Seventies disco that thrilled the nation.

It’s all very amusing and clever, but a slightly odd idea for a story – after all, aren’t ads normally kept separate from the main body of a magazine?

OK! clearly thinks otherwise: in next week’s issue it promises to show ”Alex looking totally sexy in another ad campaign – this time for hair gel giant Schwarzkopf Professional”.

Watch this space.

Posted: 20th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Historical Continuity

”’PRINCE Andrew is set to receive a multimillion-pound windfall from the sale of Sunninghill Park,” reports Hello!, after the Queen agreed to allow him to buy the place freehold from the crown.

”I love being a Windsor!”

She had originally gifted him the freehold of the 50-room mansion as a wedding present and had expected to take back ownership of the house, which is on Crown land.

Now she has agreed to let him ”reap the proceeds” from the sale, providing that he uses the money (expected to be around £10 million) to renovate the late Queen Mother’s Royal Lodge, which Andrew will now move into.

”It was felt that, with her love of historical continuity, the Queen Mother would have appreciated another Duke of York moving into her beloved home,” claims Hello!.

So, Andrew finds himself in the agreeable position of supporting historical continuity, moving into a luxurious new pad, and having £7 million in change left over after everything’s taken care of. Which is nice.

Posted: 15th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Atherton Off The Mark

‘EVERYONE in Hello! seems to have a new baby – with the exception of Cherie Blair, whose miscarriage is unaccountably given two pages of coverage in the current issue – and thus the unlikely appearance of taciturn Michael Atherton in the hallowed glossy pages is immediately explained by the small bundle of warm flesh and wet nappy that dangles from a harness on his chest.

Athers tried to raise a smile for Hello!

And as he emerges from the hospital with his girlfriend (”wealthy publisher’s daughter Isabella”) and new son Joshua, Hello! notes that the former England cricket captain looks as if he’s taking his new responsibilities seriously.

Which is Hello!-speak for ”Curmudgeon Atherton looked grumpy and surly as usual”.

”I imagine my long-term marriage prospects are slim because I’m so passionless,” said Atherton soon after he and Isabella met. But like Tim Henman, Atherton has now done the business with a lady and looks set to go all the way to the altar.

It gets them all in the end.

Posted: 15th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Hoffman In Chair Scare Shocker

‘POOR old Dustin Hoffman. As if his unscheduled appearance as a pundit on Big Brother wasn’t bad enough, he seems to be surrounded by misfortune.

The stuff of Dustin’s nightmares

First there was the heroic saga of the stranded marine life on the beach near his Stateside domicile. Now he’s in trouble in Blighty, as Hello! pictures Hoffman ”RECOVERING AFTER A DECKCHAIR INJURY”, as the headline bluntly puts it.

Don’t laugh, please; it isn’t funny. Indeed, Dustin looks extremely grumpy about it as he attempted to ”put his fight with a deckchair behind him last week on a shopping expedition to Sloane Street”.

He cut his hand while putting the chair up in the garden of his Kensington home, whereupon the chair collapsed, trapping his hand and arm. The doctor told him he was the eighth person that day who had come to him having had the same accident – although why they were all messing about with Hoffman’s chair is anybody’s guess.

Meanwhile, he isn’t letting the trifling matter of an arm sling get in the way of his good works. The magazine reports that he is channelling his energies into a campaign to save a chestnut tree near his home. Hasn’t anyone warned him about the dangers of conkers? ‘

Posted: 15th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Running Scared

‘BRITNEY is on the brink, according to this week’s big National Enquirer feature story. The booze and the heartache are all played out in minute detail, but the most shocking news comes on the gossip pages at the back of the mag.

”Oops! I did it again!”

”POOPS! I DID IT AGAIN!” laughs the ever-sophisticated DISH! Column, edited by the pleasingly-named Lycia Naff. The incident occurred during Britney’s performance in Mexico City, when she had to run off stage in the middle of a song for fear that lightning was about to strike the stage.

”I’m sorry Mexico, I love you. Bye!” she shouted, and was gone. The spectacular scenes that ensued in the bathroom were certainly an indication of a high level of terror, but her distress was not the result of lightning.

It transpires that she was in fact OD-ing on laxatives, resulting in ”several near misses and one full-blown accident” according to what Ms Naff coyly calls ”my spy close to the constipated crooner”.

Apparently, Brit has been using the drugs as a slimming aid for years, and the Mexico debacle was not an isolated incident. Not only that, but ”she often jokes about surprise bathroom attacks causing unplanned costume changes”.

An ”insider” (not literally, we hope) says elsewhere in the magazine: ”She’s definitely in meltdown mode.” And when the story breaks, the Enquirer will be the first to splash it all over.

Posted: 15th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Holy Odd Couple!

‘AS Bruce Wayne and his youthful ward Dick Grayson, aka Batman and Robin, actors Adam West and Bruce Ward were a byword for teamwork. Some even suggested that their close on-screen relationship had undertones of homosexuality.

”Holy cow, Batman! Not another lame joke!”

Yet away from the cameras their relationship could hardly have been less cosy. In fact, as the Enquirer reports, they could barely stand the sight of one another.

Now the old antagonisms have arisen again, as the pair is hard at work on a CBS nostalgia special in LA. ”Burt is still a prima donna,” says the inevitable ”source”.

”He’ll have his chauffeur wait in his driveway while he feeds his horses, or he’ll sit in his trailer just so that Adam has to wait for him to start a scene. Adam gets annoyed, and they grumble at each other.” The odd couple indeed.

But best of all is the following exchange. Ward pulls a picture of a jackass from his coat. ”See this, Adam?” he says. ”That’s you!” To which West responded: ”Just grow up, Burt!”

Let’s hope the dramatic tension makes it to the screen.

Posted: 15th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


The Sum Of All Fears

”’YIKES!” shrieks the Enquirer. ”Stars’ bizarre phobias turn Hollywood into Hollyweird.” And in the spirit of sympathy and compassion for which it is justly renowned, the magazine proceeds to list the foibles and fears of Tinseltown’s finest.

Woody wonders whether he’ll ever be hot

Michelle Pfeiffer is claustrophobic (”prefers roomy rooms and open spaces”). Kim Basinger is agoraphobic (”a fear of open, public places”). Billy Bob Thornton is ”afraid of antique furniture”. Mel B is afraid of old people.

Woody Allen is scared of overheating and ”has been known to take his temperature every two hours” (although he might simply have been ill at the time – a possibility that is not considered in this ever-so-slightly glib exercise).

But what of the phobias that dare not speak their name? Robin Williams’ aversion to funny movies, Brad Pitt’s pathological fear of decent clothing, Keith Richards’ fear of a new chord structure…

We could go on, but it only encourages them. ‘

Posted: 15th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Tarted Up

‘THE only good thing about Kate Lawler being in the Big Brother house was that she couldn’t talk to OK! magazine. But now the ”blonde, beautiful, confident, funny” Kate is on the outside once more, and she’s giving an interview to OK! because it’s her ”favourite magazine in the world”.

New pictures show Kate wooing the female vote

So, Kate, how does it feel to be the first female winner of Big Brother? ”I feel totally freaked out!” she squeals. ”It’s absolutely unreal.” And why did you apply for Big Brother in the first place? As it transpires, it wasn’t for the chance to be violently ill in front of a TV audience of millions. Nor was it the opportunity to break the record for the number of times the phrase ”Oh my God” can be uttered in a 15-minute period. ”It was almost as if the whole of Britain felt they had to audition,” claims Her Blondeness.

And indeed, all of Britain did audition, except for the 59.85 million people who didn’t. Kate was warned by the psychotherapist that appearing on Big Brother could ruin her life, and that the show ”was like a pantomime and we’d all be cast as characters”.

Kate was assured by her BB chaperone: ”You’ll probably be cast as the pretty girl.” ”I thought that was sweet,” says Kate, ”but I wondered if she meant I’d be the house tart.” And so it came to pass. ”I flirted with Spencer because I fancied him,” she reveals. ”I flirted with Alex because I thought he was fit, but I didn’t fancy him. I never flirted with Jonny, I didn’t fancy him.”

But it didn’t stop her snogging him for the votes.

Posted: 14th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Named And Shamed

‘IN another hymn to blondeness, OK! also interviews Kerry Katona this week. It wasn’t so long ago that Kerry was telling the magazine’s readers all about the heartbreak she suffered when a lapdancer told the tabloids about her stag-night fling with Bryan Westlife, aka Mr Kerry Katona. But the pair have obviously kissed and made up, as Kerry is now expecting their second child.

Where little Corby was created

”Is it true both babies were conceived in the same hotel?” asks OK!. ”Yes, both times it’s been at the Conrad International London, in Chelsea,” grins Kerry. Will Kerry and Bryan do a Posh and Becks and name their child after the place of conception – Conrad if it’s a boy, and Chelsea if it’s a girl?

They may be pretty awful names, but they’re nothing compared with the monikers Geri Halliwell had as a youngster. As OK! notes, the artist formerly known as Ginger turned 30 last week, ”yet she’s already packed enough into her life to satisfy a 70 year old”. Not wanting to think about how Geri might satisfy a 70-year-old, we move on to read that ”most people’s reaction to Geri turning 30” – apart from supreme indifference, of course – ”will be one of suspicion”.

”The singer’s age has long been a topic of debate, earning her the nickname Old Spice,” OK! writes. But members of her own family had much worse nicknames for her than that. Poor Geri was ”branded Caquitas (little poo) and La enana (dwarf) as a child by her Spanish aunts”.

But now that Geri is all grown up, we’re pleased to report that the adjective ”little” no longer applies.

Posted: 14th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


The Golden RULERs

‘OK! itself has come up with a clever nickname for ”the most desirable men on the planet”. ”They’re roguish, unattached, loaded, eligible romeos – or ‘R.U.L.E.Rs” and they are ”the charismatic cads who are impossible to tame”.

The new RULERS pick their queens

Their numbers include Hugh Grant, George Clooney and Tim Jeffries, men whose ”magnetic charm” means ”they are never short of a beautiful woman to take to the season’s hottest party or premiere, and the women they are linked to are as plentiful as the invites that land on their gold-trimmed doormats”.

But somehow onto this list of ”serial ladykillers” have crept the likes of Mick Hucknall, Gary Lucy and Michael Greco. ”They are the men all fathers fear,” claims OK!. And the men that all women laugh at.

Posted: 14th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Going The Gay Way

‘BRITNEY Spears might have an image so clean that it squeaks, but this week the Enquirer smears that image with whipped cream and encourages it to jelly-wrestle with one of America’s top porn stars.

More than a girl…

”Britney Spears has a passion for porn – especially lesbian love!” it announces, adding that pop’s most famous virgin has befriended a top X-rated actress. ”Britney isn’t the goody-two-shoes everybody thinks she is,” says a source. ”She loves to watch porn and has her own personal collection of hot sex videos.” A pal adds: ”She and her friends watch it together and she is absolutely fascinated.”

Insiders say that Britney has become close to porn star Jenna Jameson – but not close enough for some people. ”There’s a definite attraction between them,” says Jenna’s fiancé, Jay Sterling, optimistically. Could it be that, having had her heart broken by a callous male, Britney is considering swapping sides? The Enquirer notes that after her break-up with Justin Timberlake, Britney attended a party thrown by porn producers, where such cinematic offerings as Where The Boys Aren’t, She Town and Blonde On Blonde were screened.

Psychotherapist and sex expert Dr Judy Kuriansky tells the Enquirer: ”I think it would be perfectly natural for her to be curious about lesbian sexual adventures because she’s a very sensual young woman who attracts both male and female fans.” And Jay says that if Britney’s music career flops, she could certainly make it in the porn industry. ”Sterling says his bride-to-be would love to perform in a movie and even has a name for the project – Britney Loves Jenna.”

Stand by for news of the release – and the sound of box-office records shattering.

Posted: 14th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Pretty Nasty Woman

‘IF Julia Roberts had such warm feelings for her new husband’s ex-wife as Britney has for Jenna, Danny Moder would probably think he was the luckiest man on earth. But, as the Enquirer reveals, the Pretty Woman is still doing her best to hurt poor Vera, judging that stealing her husband and marrying him in a very public ceremony didn’t quite plunge the knife in deep enough.

”Watch out, honey. Your husband’s next”

”Julia Roberts has been caught in a bizarre wedding lie,” says the Enquirer. She ”fibbed with a completely straight face” and told reporters she and Danny would spend their honeymoon in London, Paris and Greece, when the truth is that they never left the States. The newlyweds were too busy to have a proper honeymoon; Julia had press junkets to attend for her latest film, while cameraman Danny had to shoot a new Burger King commercial.

But ”sources say Julia’s lie was meant to make Danny’s ex-wife Vera jealous!” ”Julia completely made up all the stories about going to Europe with Danny on their honeymoon,” reveals a ”Moder family insider”. ”Julia knew Vera would be watching, that she wouldn’t want to miss all the coverage. So Julia wanted to make her envious by telling the world about all the wonderful places they went together. Julia wanted to make her and Danny’s life seem as blissful as possible – as the ultimate revenge against Vera for dragging out the divorce proceedings with Danny.”

But Vera need not have been jealous. Paris is full of French people, Greece is swarming with inebriated British teenagers and, as for London, who’d be mad enough to want to go there in the summer?

Posted: 14th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

‘THE news on Jenna Jameson and Britney Spears has no doubt cheered men up considerably, but the Enquirer’s report on Pamela Anderson could bring them back down to earth again. ”Baywatch babe could go bald and may lose her bodacious boobs,” is the magazine’s headline, illustrated with a picture of how Pammy might look without her trademark bleached locks.

”My hair’s blowing off”

”Infected with liver-destroying hepatitis C and terrified of dying, Pamela Anderson is set to undergo debilitating drug treatment that will cause her to lose her hair,” it writes. ”The blonde bombshell is so fearful for her health, says a friend, she’s thinking about having her breast implants removed.” ”Pam wants to make a completely new, fresh start,” explains the pal. ”She’s so scared, she wants to remove anything artificial from her body.”

Which means that the next time we see an article on Ms Anderson in the Enquirer, it won’t be accompanied by any pictures at all. ‘

Posted: 14th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Named And Shamed

‘IN another hymn to blondeness, OK! also interviews Kerry Katona this week. It wasn’t so long ago that Kerry was telling the magazine’s readers all about the heartbreak she suffered when a lapdancer told the tabloids about her stag-night fling with Bryan Westlife, aka Mr Kerry Katona.

Where little Corby was created

But the pair have obviously kissed and made up, as Kerry is now expecting their second child.

”Is it true both babies were conceived in the same hotel?” asks OK!. ”Yes, both times it’s been at the Conrad International London, in Chelsea,” grins Kerry. Will Kerry and Bryan do a Posh and Becks and name their child after the place of conception – Conrad if it’s a boy, and Chelsea if it’s a girl?

They may be pretty awful names, but they’re nothing compared with the monikers Geri Halliwell had as a youngster. As OK! notes, the artist formerly known as Ginger turned 30 last week, ”yet she’s already packed enough into her life to satisfy a 70 year old”.

Not wanting to think about how Geri might satisfy a 70-year-old, we move on to read that ”most people’s reaction to Geri turning 30” – apart from supreme indifference, of course – ”will be one of suspicion”. ”The singer’s age has long been a topic of debate, earning her the nickname Old Spice,” OK! writes.

But members of her own family had much worse nicknames for her than that. Poor Geri was ”branded Caquitas (little poo) and La enana (dwarf) as a child by her Spanish aunts”. But now that Geri is all grown up, we’re pleased to report that the adjective ”little” no longer applies.

Posted: 12th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Pretty Nasty Woman

‘IF Julia Roberts had such warm feelings for her new husband’s ex-wife as Britney has for Jenna, Danny Moder would probably think he was the luckiest man on earth.

”Watch out, honey. Your husband’s next”

But, as the Enquirer reveals, the Pretty Woman is still doing her best to hurt poor Vera, judging that stealing her husband and marrying him in a very public ceremony didn’t quite plunge the knife in deep enough.

”Julia Roberts has been caught in a bizarre wedding lie,” says the Enquirer.

She ”fibbed with a completely straight face” and told reporters she and Danny would spend their honeymoon in London, Paris and Greece, when the truth is that they never left the States.

The newlyweds were too busy to have a proper honeymoon; Julia had press junkets to attend for her latest film, while cameraman Danny had to shoot a new Burger King commercial.

But ”sources say Julia’s lie was meant to make Danny’s ex-wife Vera jealous!”

”Julia completely made up all the stories about going to Europe with Danny on their honeymoon,” reveals a ”Moder family insider”.

”Julia knew Vera would be watching, that she wouldn’t want to miss all the coverage. So Julia wanted to make her envious by telling the world about all the wonderful places they went together.

”Julia wanted to make her and Danny’s life seem as blissful as possible – as the ultimate revenge against Vera for dragging out the divorce proceedings with Danny.”

But Vera need not have been jealous. Paris is full of French people, Greece is swarming with inebriated British teenagers and, as for London, who’d be mad enough to want to go there in the summer?

Posted: 8th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Spending A Penny

‘THE show may be finished, but the tills are just starting to ring for the Big Brother housemates. This week’s OK! cover star is moaning model Alex Sibley.

They thought the shower was bad – the bath was even worse

”Though he lost to Jonny and Kate, no one can call Alex a loser,” writes OK! Would a loser ever appear in a magazine like this?

Alex’s ”world exclusive” interview is accompanied by ”amazing pictures”, in which readers can discern a hip pocket bulging with what we assume is an enormous wad of cash.

Inside, Alex embarks on a detailed discussion about urination, a topic we very much doubt has been previously canvassed by OK! He says he tried in vain to encourage his fellow housemates to aim for the bowl when visiting the toilet.

”The fellas were peeing on the seat and, four days later, Alison came out disgusted – there was urine all over the seat. No one had listened to me!” But worse was to come.

”Then they came up with peeing in the shower,” he recalls with a shudder. ”People were saying: ‘Why bother going to the toilet first when you can just pee in the shower?”’

But as it turns out, Alex was friends with one of the worst offenders in this particular area. ”Kate was shown footage of Sandy doing a very long pee into the kitchen bin – she and Sophie unknowingly cleaned it out. Did you know that?” OK! asks. Alex confirms that he has been shown the incident.

”He peed in the bin on the morning of his escape,” he says. And it’s lucky for Sandy that he got out of there when he did – who knows what Alex would have done to him if he discovered such a disgusting act of unhygienic treachery?

Posted: 6th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Marketing Spencer

‘EVEN by OK!’s standards, this is a particularly vapid interview. But then, Spencer Smith is a man who shot into the celebrity stratosphere by doing nothing more than test the bounds of personal hygiene on our television screens for a couple of weeks.

Spencer lets another one rip

”He’s been christened the best-loved housemate never to win Big Brother,” claims OK! Now, ”due to constant requests from fans and readers alike” – rather than any desire to cash in before his ephemeral fame starts to wither and die – Spencer has ”invited OK! to his home town of St Ives in Cambridgeshire for a world exclusive interview”, denying all those eager hacks in countries around the globe the interview of the year.

In it, the lad known as Spanky reveals that he is as devoid of opinions as he is of personality. He reckons the Big Brother experience ”hasn’t really affected me all that much” and that ”life as the UK’s newest heart-throb” is ”quite exciting but can be a bit tiring”.

Now that he is no longer a part of the show, his interest in it was waned considerably. When asked which one of his former housemates he wanted to win, he replied: ”I don’t really care any more”.

But, thankfully, things have livened up a little for Spencer since he was turfed out of the house. He has turned down an offer to feature on an ironing board cover, ”where I’d be photographed in a pair of boxers that disappear when the iron gets hot” and is toying with the idea of starring in a TV show in which he takes ”sexy famous birds fishing”.

There is one point on which Spencer does have an opinion, however – his best moments in the house. ”The compilation that Davina showed of me constantly farting and burping, I was chuffed with that,” he says. Naturally – who wouldn’t be?’

Posted: 30th, July 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


All Style, No Substance

‘SPENCER Smith challenges the defining doctrine of OK! magazine: ”Being a celebrity is all about looking good”. He proves that sometimes, it can be about hilarious bodily emissions as well.

Brooklyn’s hospital gown was designed by Baby Gap

But after OK!’s uncharacteristic detour to Cambridgeshire, Posh Spice is on hand, as always, to steer the magazine back onto a more customary course.

”Expectant mums, it seems, can go one of two ways,” proclaims OK! ”Either they look pale and interesting – or, to put it in a less flattering way, jaded, sick and tired – or they look positively glowing with health.”

Of course, OK! has no interest in those unattractive pregnant lumps on the verge of nervous exhaustion, and fortunately for them, Victoria Beckham slips easily into the latter category of mums-to-be.

”Carrying that extra bit of weight, with her skin rosy and her hair brightened with blonde highlights, she looks fabulous, despite her baby’s imminent arrival,” it approves. ”Not one to experiment with wild fashion-for-the-sake-of-it outfits, Victoria sticks to what suits her, even when she’s nearly eight months pregnant.”

But two Beckhams are better than one, giving the magazine the opportunity to take a retrospective look at Victoria and husband David, ”the country’s biggest style icons”.

”As individuals they were stylish, but together they became a fashion force to be reckoned with,” writes OK!, remembering the glory days of David’s ”adventurous” sarong, bandanna and mohican, Victoria’s fake lip ring and ”sultry” hair extensions, and the pair’s matching diamond crucifixes.

We can hardly wait for the impending birth, when Victoria will wear a delightful backless hospital gown in light green by her favourite designer, Maria Grachvogel, while Becks dons a matching bandanna and surgical mask.

Posted: 30th, July 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Unhappy Families

‘JORDAN is looking jaded, sick and tired – and she’s not even pregnant any more. The poor man’s Posh is photographed with the poor girl’s Becks – Dwight Yorke – as they register the birth of their baby son, Harvey.

One for the family album

Dwight, who failed to follow David Beckham’s example either on the pitch at Old Trafford or in the maternity ward, is in for more of OK!’s stinging opprobrium this week. The snaps of the trio are billed on the cover as the ”first ever pictures as a family”, but inside, the family is far from happy.

”Dwight Yorke has not been the most consistent of men when it comes to his new baby son,” writes OK! Glamour model Jordan ”claims he was unfaithful to her during their stormy relationship and was not there for her when she fell pregnant”, lending credence to Dwight’s assertions that Harvey was not his.

”Then, when little Harvey was born – several months after they broke up – Dwight turned up late at the hospital then refused to cut the umbilical cord,” OK! continues. ”Weeks later, to top it all, he is said to have remarked that the little boy could not be his because he is ‘too white’.”

There were rumours he was going to do a Steve Bing and insist on DNA testing to prove he was Harvey’s father, but now Dwight seems to have accepted that he did indeed sire Harvey.

”On a recent trip to a register office near Jordan’s East Sussex home, Dwight tagged along to put his name on Harvey’s birth certificate,” writes OK!. ”Jordan was only too happy to show off the document as they walked out, probably in a defiant gesture towards those who questioned the identity of Harvey’s father.”

If only, for Harvey’s sake, it was the identity of his mother that was in question.

Posted: 30th, July 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Mel’s Hell

”I HAVE never been talented at dating. But now that I am out and about again, four years after having had a child, I’m a walking disaster area at the ripe old age of 38.

Martin was only too happy to take Mel under his wing

‘Bits of me are not quite what they used to be. My boobs have all the dignity of a pair of flip-flops. And, to my horror, I recently discovered…’

Er, excuse us interrupting, but is this the right room for the Kabbalah reading group? Next door? Oh, terribly sorry… And with that we tip-toe out, closing the door quietly behind us.

For we have just mistakenly intruded upon one of Hello!’s sidelines – its counselling service for distressed folk from the world of celebrity.

In church basements up and down the country, small groups huddle around clutching polystyrene cups of instant coffee and let it all hang out.

Take Melanie Cable-Alexander, the tragic lady we just heard pouring out her heart. Once she was Lord Snowden’s lady, and bore him a son. Now, she has ‘flapping’ upper underarms, teeth that are ‘losing their grip’ and a ‘yawning gap in the front of my mouth’.

Yet thanks to Hello!, she’s getting her life together, and she even has a new man, Martin.

Admittedly, she met him in Streatham, but the good news is that Melanie wasn’t walking the streets at the time.

They met at a ‘supper party’ – although what kind of supper isn’t specified. (Something out of a tin, probably – ever such fun!)

He’s called Martin and they met for their first date at Fortnum and Mason, where Martin ‘had been invited to spend an evening shopping’ – well, it was better than the offer of a free fitting at Specsavers.

Needless to say it all went horribly wrong, with Melanie’s new dentures popping out, and various other humiliations, but they got on like a house on fire and all was well in the end.

But we can’t stand around talking about Melanie all night: it’s time to get spiritual…

Posted: 25th, July 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment