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Reviews | Anorak - Part 670

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We don’t just report off-beat news, breaking news and digest the best and worst of the news media analysis and commentary. We give an original take on what happened and why. We add lols, satire, news photos and original content.

Low-Rent Kents

‘THE Queen barely gets a look-in in this week’s edition of Hello! before she is muscled out of the way by Prince and Princess Pushy.

Pushy Palace

While Her Majesty has to content herself with a couple of shots at the races, Prince and Princess Michael hog the limelight with an intimate and revealing interview.

In it, we learn that the Princess is, in her own words, ”a rather easy-going central European woman” – although she spoils the effect somewhat by also admitting to being ”volatile and Hungarian”.

Nor could the accusation that the couple swan around doing nothing be further from the truth.

”We work very hard,” says Princess Easy-Going. ”We earn what we live on. We pay for every gallon of petrol, every sheet of paper…”

Everything, in fact, except of course for the small matter of the £120,000-a-year rent on their apartment in Kensington Palace.

”We did it up ourselves and we pay for everything including staff,” says Princess Laid-Back. ”We don’t pay rent, but no member of the family pays rent. It is in the Queen’s gift.”

And it’s not hard being generous when you have a dozen or so palaces to your name…

Posted: 25th, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment (1)


Wills’ Way

‘FROM royalty it is only a small step up to Catherine Zeta Jones and a small step down again to Prince William, whose 21st birthday seems to have gone on for a whole month.

Prince William spends much of his time looking at porn on the Internet

Hello! is just the latest of a long, long line of magazines and newspapers to publish ”his most candid interview ever”.

In it, William admits that he enjoyed a two-year fling with Britney Spears, has experimented with cocaine and ecstasy and once walked in on The Queen polishing Prince Philip’s crown jewels.

Okay, so not all of that’s strictly true but, as you will now no doubt have read the interview 100 times, you will know that the truth is really very anodyne.

Prince William is a polo-playing toff, who gets on well with his brother, enjoys walking, doesn’t have a girlfriend, drinks cider, rides motorbikes and wants to help others.

He is also fascinated by the royal families of Europe and loves nothing better in his free time than dressing up as Marie Antoinette…

Posted: 25th, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


An MA In Marriage

‘WE hereby propose that the first year of a couple’s marriage be renamed forever – from the Paper Anniversary to the Magazine Anniversary.

Where are they now?

And to celebrate their MA with us are Jack Ryder and Kym Marsh, ”proving the doubters wrong”.

Can it really be a year since Kym and Jack got married? It must be because OK! says it is, and invites us to take a look at what the nine-carat-gold-plated couple are up to now.

”The time has flown by,” says Jack, who would be expected to say that time has dragged as he’s been pretty much unemployed since his soap character was killed off.

But it seems that each day with Kym is like a lifetime. ”It feels like we have known each other for ages, for years, for all our lives. But when you look at the time scale it has been five minutes…”

What was that about time really dragging when you’re having fun?

Of course Jack forgets to mention past lives, when Kym was a famous popstar with golden tonsils and polycystic ovaries (like Victoria Beckham and Jools Oliver), and he was ”every girl’s pin-up”.

But that was then and this is now…

Posted: 23rd, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Pitta Bred

‘JADE Goody’s new baby Bobby is doing fine. He’s taken to Jade’s kebabs like a duck to a piece of soggy pitta bread and is building up his strength.

A Bobby-eyed view of Jade’s onion ring

And mum and dad are eager for the love not to end there. Putting the gherkins in Bobby’s doners will be dad, Jeff Brazier, who will provide the fatherly yang love to Jade’s mothering yin.

But they will not marry. There will be no Magazine Anniversary for Jade and Jeff.

”I just think we need to concentrate on our house and baby,” says Jeff on the subject of marriage. ”There’s no rush, really.”

But how can she, being unwed, have just completed a version of Celebrity Wife Swap, the show in which two husbands swap their wives in the manner of a 1970s cliche, albeit without the drama or the sex?

Has Jade committed TV fraud?

Like real talent, the truth will out…

Posted: 23rd, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Future Perfect

‘FORGET MI5, the lone Duke with the pistol on the grassy footbridge, and cast a glance at Rita Rogers.

”I see James Hewitt and Prince Harry talking…

For those not in the know, Rita was a close pal of the late Princess Diana.

Rita is a great clairvoyant, the woman with the medium touch who foresaw that Diana would NOT be in the car when it crashed on that fateful day in Paris.

That’s right, she claims to have known nothing.

But how can we believe her when her soothsaying credentials are so impeccable? It was a mutual connection between her and Di.

When they met, Diana is reported by Rita to have said: ”I’ve got a feeling we’re going to become very good friends.” And so it was.

”She would call me and I’d say: ‘You’re going to the theatre tonight, aren’t you?’ She would reply: ‘Oh you’re so clever, Rita. How do you know that?’ And I’d tell her exactly what she was going to wear and what colour.”

As a stylist, Rita, who sadly fails to practise what she preaches, is a legend.

But how can someone so gifted have failed to spot that Di would perish as he did?

”On my children’s lives,” says Rita, ”this is true. I predicted every single bit of that crash, every bit, apart from that.”

And it gets us thinking. Looking into the ball, we see that Rita will dine out on such tales for years to come, regaling all and sundry with stories of how close she and the Princess were.

Or should that be are?

Posted: 23rd, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Moore Is Less

‘WHEN Demi Moore spent $400,000 on a new body, she went for most of the usual features – new breasts, new bum, new stomach, new thighs and new face.

Demi’s left hip and knee had rusted again

But she foolishly said ‘no’ to one important optional extra – and now she is paying the price.

According to the National Enquirer, the 40-year-old actress is being cheated on by her toyboy lover, Ashton Kutcher – and she doesn’t know anything about it.

A source close to the 25-year-old says he has one major vice, women, and he is not very good at monogamy.

”Demi’s very possessive and if she knew he was out on the town flirting with other girls at this early stage of their relationship, it would break her heart,” the source said.

”She’s going to need eyes in the back of her head to keep up with Ashton because he’s the biggest hound in Hollywood.”

Ironically, Demi could have had eyes fitted in the back of her head for only an extra $20,000 when she went for her full body makeover.

To have them fitted now could set her back $100,000 – a lesson, if ever we needed one, that it doesn’t pay to skimp on important capital projects.

Meanwhile, Kutcher’s own eyes are wandering and the object of his lust is Mrs Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston.

”That photo of her with her legs crossed from Rolling Stone was the screensaver on my computer right through college,” he admitted.

But his attempts to update that image with a more candid shot failed recently, despite having a $1,000 bet with a friend that he would take the married actress out on a date.

”Ashton approached Brad at a party and asked for permission to take his wife out,” a friend of the couple tells the Enquirer. ”Brad wasn’t even mildly amused.”

And nor we suspect will Demi be when she finds out. In fact, it would break her heart – were it not now made out of a toughened, shatterproof plastic.

Posted: 22nd, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Pitt Of Despair

‘ASHTON Kutcher is not the only person who fancies Jennifer Aniston, it appears.

More than just a Friend

In fact, the Friends star who was recently named as the most powerful person in showbiz is just about the hottest property in Hollywood at the moment.

And that has hot hubby Brad Pitt jealous, says the Enquirer – not of his wife’s success but because he’s worried that she’ll run off with one of her co-stars.

The magazine claims that Brad’s blood pressure skyrocketed over Jen’s ”steamy” on-screen love scene with Jim Carrey in Bruce Almighty.

And at 39, he is worried that Jen’s leading men are just going to get younger and more handsome.

And that is bad not just for Brad’s blood pressure but for other vital signs such as his resting heart rate and cholesterol levels.

”It was one thing when Jen was just a TV star on Friends,” explains an insider. ”Brad knew Jen considered these guys as brothers. She’d never hook up with them.

”But now Brad is watching Jen pair off with one sexy hunk after another in her films – and it’s killing him.”

Which no doubt explains why he took his portable blood pressure monitor into the cinema with him to watch Bruce Almighty.

Posted: 22nd, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Love-Hate Relationship

‘IF God didn’t exist, Voltaire said, it would be necessary to invent him.

”Lo siento, no hablo ingles”

If Courtney Love didn’t exist, we doubt there would be inventers queuing up round the block to come up with a prototype.

This week, Courtney’s large gob (was it any wonder her band were called Hole?) is open for business and its target is Salma Hayek, girlfriend of her ex, Edward Norton.

She insists that Norton will never marry Hayek because ”he can barely understand half of what she’s saying” – a remark reported to have infuriated the couple.

Love, says the Enquirer, soon apologised, insisting that Noton had never said anything derogatory about Hayek to her.

”I especially apologise to Miss Hayek, who is nothing if not brilliant…with a firm grip and style with the English language.”

And that, after all, is what North American men find most attractive about Latin American women. ‘

Posted: 22nd, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


My Best China Plate

‘BEFORE we get to the Hello! supplement on ”Prince William at 21”, we are invited to celebrate the Prince’s coming of age with tea and cake.

Instructions: ‘Smear in gravy and then lick all over’

”To mark this major milestone in the life of a young man destined to be King,” say the type, ”we have a commissioned a number of charming commemorative pieces. Each will form a distinctive, lasting record of this special occasion, and make a delightful addition to any collection.”

The choicest fragment of this china collection we believe to be the ”The Caverswall Loving Cup”, a limited edition. With this cup, commoners other than Wills’ own mum will get to feel close to their champion.

The only shame is that his lips are not placed on the lip of the cup so affording his legion of admirers the chance to ”kiss a Prince” with each sip of tea.

Of course, such fragile future heirlooms should be treated with utmost care and only used for great occasions, like William’s birthdays.

In the meantime they should be wrapped up for safe keeping. Rather than read the 52-page report into how great Will is, we invite you to screw it up and pack it round the sides of your new china tea service.

That way when you are pouring, you can glance down at the fragments of newsprint and pepper your conversation with niceties, like the Prince is ”a fine young man”; ”he’s a ”creditable swimmer, footballer, skier, polo and rugby player and huntsman”, dontyerknow; he’s ”attractive” and ”presentable”; and he is ”Prince of all hearts”.

You could even eat your dinner off him…

Posted: 20th, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Taking It Easy

‘ONE person who knows all about being adored and revered the world over is Prince Edward.

”Have you got a brother?”

This Prince among men will surely be a guiding light to William as he matures, an example of what can happen with hard work and raw talent.

Sadly, Eddie is not available to speak to Hello! being as he is in the middle of the Mediterranean, cruising off the coast of Capri.

And why is Eddie out in the wilds? Because Eddie is a true gent and, hearing how his pregnant wife Sophie was told to take it easy, has taken it upon himself to show her how it’s done – by taking it even easier.

You imagine that if Eddie could have the baby for his wife, he would volunteer. But he can’t, so he’s just going to have to work hard keeping her relaxed and unexcited.

Good job, Eddie.

Posted: 20th, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Crimes Of Fashion

‘IT takes a strong man to say something like: ”Heidi Klum and I are creating something important between us.”

Why the Klum face, FB?

But that’s what ”charismatic” Formula One boss Flavio Briatore is: strong.

So strong is he that he laughs at the obvious danger of a middle-aged man wearing red corduroy trousers and a chunky gold bracelet.

He thinks nothing of walking around wearing a hat with ”FB” embroidered on the front.

He guffaws when he sees a pair of monogrammed slipper (FB again) and a shirt with the same initials on the breast.

There is no danger of Flavio forgetting who he is since his name appears on just about everything he owns. Other than the aforesaid Ms Klum, who remains blessedly single.

Posted: 20th, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Chest Expander

‘JODIE Marsh might be taking over Jordan’s mantle as tabloid slapper-in-chief, but the 25-year-old model is not going to give up without a fight.

More silicon than a Bill Gates convention

Not only is Jordan planning to embark on a singing career, but she has got a book out this Christmas and is even set to have yet another boob job.

A friend tells OK!’s Hot Stars magazine: ”She sees her boobs as her business and thinks that, to continue her success, they need to be as big as possible.”

The trouble is that plastic surgeons in Britain already think the 32FF monstrosities are as big as possible – and are refusing to carry out the operation.

Plastic surgeon Dr Prakash, who performed the first two boob jobs, said the model already looked ”grotesque and out of proportion”.

So, it looks as if Jordan will have to fly to the United States to have the operation.

No doubt, being the devoted mother that she is, she will be taking son Harvey with her.

And while she’s over there, she may even go shopping for another baby.

”I’ve found out that it’s easier to adopt in Mexico,” she says, ”so that’s something I’m thinking about.

”What I can’t wait for is to have a kid with someone I care about.”

At least, with the new boob job, there will be no problem breast-feeding an extra child.

In fact, she could probably keep half of Mexico in milk for six months…

Posted: 16th, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Who Are You?

‘SINCE it started its Hot Stars magazine, OK! has developed a worrying schizophrenia.

Former Spice Girl and English soccer player

While the main magazine remains as sycophantic and fawning as ever, its gossipy sister dares to suggest that not everything in the celebrity garden is rosy.

For instance, OK! follows David and Victoria Beckham to Disneyland, where it says they were ”the star attractions”.

A quick look at the accompanying pictures, however, suggests otherwise as the Yanks pay no attention whatsoever to the publicity-hungry pair.

And in Hot Stars we learn the truth – namely, that people in the States didn’t know who the couple were and cared even less.

”David And Victoria Who?” is the headline to its story of how the Beckhams’ attempt to crack America came unstuck on a wave of public indifference.

”In what was a toe-curling glitch on their Stateside trip, Posh and Becks were turned away from a sports shoe store after they requested that the shop be closed to the public while they browsed its aisles in peace,” it says.

The owner refused their request with the immortal line: ”I have no idea who you are.”

Ignorance, in this case, really is bliss – and the shoe store owner was not alone.

In a survey of 10 celebrity hot spots in New York and Los Angeles, only four venues had heard of the Beckhams.

But back to OK!, where the lack of turning heads in Disneyland is easily explained.

”The great thing about a park to which thousands come every day is that, once standing in the queues for the rides, even a pop star and internationally famous footballing hero can be just like any regular mum and dad,” it explains.

”Other celebrities who have enjoyed family visits to Walt Disney amusement parks include Pierce Brosnan, Sir Steve Redgrave, Kym Marsh, David Seaman, Jonathan Ross, Jordan and Patsy Palmer.”

After all, if Kym Marsh can spend an afternoon in Disneyland without being mobbed, so can anyone.

Posted: 16th, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Dodgy Boats

‘PICTURES and make-up can do people a lot of favours, says Liberty X’s Michelle Heaton – when asked how she likes being a sex symbol.

The boat that sunk a thousand ships

The trouble is that even a trowel-ful of make-up and OK!’s top photographer can’t turn a troll into a doll.

Instead, the three Liberty X girls have to resort to the old Atomic Kitten trick of flashing the flesh to distract from the dodgy boats.

And we’re not talking about the gin palaces moored behind them as they pose for photographs in Monte Carlo.

As for the music, Tony Lundon offers hope to fellow flopstars One True Voice – as well as music-lovers everywhere.

”I think any band are two good songs away from a yacht in Monaco for the weekend,” he says, ”or two songs away from getting dropped.”

Here’s hoping…

Posted: 16th, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Clowning Around

‘WANT to look like a celebrity? Well, if you can’t afford the $400,000 the magazine says it took Demi Moore to look good at 40 then you can paper in the cracks with make-up.

Kate and Goldie are like two peas in a pod

A series of photographs show what actresses look like before and after a day in the make-up artiste’s chair.

And Mira Sorvino must put it on with a trowel. As must Kate Hudson, whose ‘before’ shot shows a ‘plain Jane’ type. A few weeks later, with the final layer of powder still moist, Kate is transformed into a ravishing beauty.

Much the same can be said of Drew Barrymore and Goldie Hawn, Kate’s mum, who both need to put on more than a brave face to parade before the cameras.

But take care not to overdo it. Dolly Parton, Cher, Elizabeth Taylor and Kelly Osbourne show what happens when Gaudi takes over from Rembrandt.

Posted: 13th, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Maggie’s Den

‘ACCORDING to a source that has spoken with the National Enquirer, Princess Margaret and actor Richard Harris’ similarities stretched further than their both being recently pronounced dead.

”And she’d have had that Harry Potter if she’d been around today”

Harris is seen smoking, a passion the couple shared. But it seems that they also shared a bed.

The story says that the pair enjoyed an ”on-again, off-again” relationship. They first dated in the 1960s and then after a break of some years rekindled the dying embers of their love, and their ciggies, in 1983.

”Richard was quite the ladies’ man and he was known to pals as ‘bonker’,” says an unspecified ”London society source”. Harris, we learn, was a man blessed with a ”voracious sexual appetite”.

He was, though, as with all these things ”discreet” about his relationships.

And since he’s still keeping mum about things, taking secrets to his grave and all that, we’re asked to take his biographer Noel Botham’s word for how his life really was.

According to Botham, ”everyone in London society” knew of the affair. ”It was one of the worst-kept secrets of the ’60s and ’80s.”

To give you the best bits of the gossip that ”everyone” already knows, Harris is also supposed to have bedded, Sophia Lauren, Merle Oberon, Ava Gardner and Vanessa Redgrave.

Notches on Margaret’s bedposts correspond to dates with a ”vindictive small-time actor”, Group Captain Peter Townsend, Antony Armstrong-Jones (the man she was to marry), Robin Douglas-Home, a lesbian love affair with the daughter of a US diplomat, Peter Sellers, Roddy Llewellyn and Mick Jagger.

Other liaisons are available on demand, and besides sleeping with the now deceased Harris, Margaret might also have scored Frank Sinatra, Elvis, Muhammad Ali and the entire 1966 English World Cup winning team.

Posted: 13th, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Love Me Do

‘THIS week’s Enquirer is shaping up into an extravaganza of Brit power. And following the story of the Princess and the actor, we hear of Paul McCartney and his new wife Heather Mills.

Rich old man kisses younger blonde woman – latest

The magazine says that the 60-year-old former Beatle is ”deeply hurt” that none of his four adult children bothered to congratulate new wife Heather on her pregnancy.

A picture of Paul hugging Heather’s tummy and doing his open-mouthed pop face, while she pouts to the camera, accompanies the news.

Amazingly, that failed to impress his children, and so too did Paul’s apparent attempts to patch things up by suggesting that daughter Stella organise a baby shower for Heather.

Once more we are stunned to report that the ice has not been broken. An insider even says that Paul’s children ”made a point of snubbing” the honest and down-to-earth Heather.

But not to worry because once he’s got his new child, he can lavish all his attention on it. And the ungrateful foursome can disappear – forever.

Posted: 13th, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Kylie Minogues Suds’ Law

‘KYLIE Minogue has a lot to answer for – and not just because she has turned Britain into a nation of arse obsessives.

J-El prepares some material for her second album

When she shrugged off her oily overalls and said goodbye to Ramsay Street in 1988, she opened the door for countless other soap stars who had once been told they could sing to embark on a pop career.

Most, thankfully, hit the rocks almost as soon as they launched – but not before we had spent a fortune on ear-plugs.

Neighbours alone gave us Jason Donovan, Stefan Dennis, Craig McLaughlan, the Blakeney sisters, Holly Valance and, most recently, Delta Goodrem.

EastEnders has given us Nick Berry and Michelle Gayle; Tracy Shaw released a record at the height of her Coronation Street fame; and Emmerdale’s Malandra Burrows once reached No.11 in the charts before sinking back to well-deserved obscurity.

In fact, in a decade and a half of trying, Kylie is still the only soap star successfully to make the transition to pop princess – but still they keep coming.

And the latest in a long and undistinguished line is Brookside’s Jennifer Ellison, who is hoping to storm to the top of the charts by way of a sexy video and an anodyne cover of Transvision Vamp’s 1989 hit, Baby I Don’t Care.

The problem is that Jen does care – she cares so much that she has given up her job on Brookside and signed a five-album deal with Warner EastWest Records.

Given the track record of her predecessors, at least four of the five albums are likely to be photo-albums, filled with shots like the ones in this week’s Hello!

But Jen is nothing if not positive, again quoting Kylie as an example that it can be done.

”I must admit the track record of people going from soap to pop and making a success of it isn’t very good,” she says. ”Even so, it was something I just had to try.”

And she’s not going to stop there in her quest to become the most famous woman on the planet.

”I can’t wait to do a Hollywood movie,” she tells Hello! ”I’ve been asked by 20th Century Fox to take the leading role in an action film as a feisty young blonde.

”Anna Friel started in Brookside and ended up in the United States, so who knows?”

A lot of people have started off in Liverpool, Jen, and ended up in the United States. Most of them happened to be slaves…

But for the moment, Jen is just counting her blessings.

”Sometimes I lie awake at night and think, ‘My God, I’ve got a marvellous house, a lovely car, a great boyfriend and a happy family. Why am I so lucky?”’

Lucky, lucky, lucky…

Posted: 11th, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


US And Them

‘WHILE Jennifer Ellison just dreams of taking the United States by storm, David and Victoria Beckham were doing just that.

Demi worried that the plastic surgeon hadn’t reassembled her correctly

At least, that’s what Hello! would have us believe – despite the fact that couple’s appearance on stage at the MTV Movie Awards was cut from the version shown to American TV audiences.

The magazine is certainly impressed, however, as the couple ”glided onto the stage hand-in-hand, in gleaming white Dolce & Gabbana outfits and dripping with silver and diamonds”.

But before the assembled guests have time to mutter to each other ”Who are they?”, our attention turns to another celebrity couple – the much-loved Hilton sisters.

Much-loved that is in a Biblical sense.

And, talking of much-loved, isn’t it nice also to see the re-emergence of Demi ”Gimme” Moore, complete with her new £400,000 body and 25-year-old boyfriend Ashton Kutcher?

”There were a lot of famous faces there,” said one guest, ”but everyone kept staring at Demi and Ashton.”

In the brief periods when they weren’t staring at David and Victoria, you mean…

Posted: 11th, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Street Party

‘WHEN Brian Capron got married, the whole street turned up – the whole of Coronation Street, that is.

”I take thee, Gail…”

And just as well because without them, Brian would have had a very lonely wedding to his long-time partner Jacqueline Bucknell at the Portmeirion Hotel.

In fact, before Brian got the part of serial killer Richard Hillman in the Granada soap, one suspects he would have struggled to fill a phone box on his wedding day.

As it was, the guest list for this wedding was very similar to the guest list for Brian’s on-screen wedding to Gail – a fact not lost on Jacqueline.

”I only found out recently that Brian said the full vows when he married Gail,” said the actress, star of the Flash commercials.

”Let’s hope it wasn’t a real registrar, otherwise I’ll be married to a bigamist.”

And let’s hope he’s not a real serial killer, otherwise you won’t be married to a bigamist for very long…’

Posted: 11th, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


A Real Character

‘JESSIE Wallace is the sexiest woman in soaps. She is not the sexiest woman in soap, just the sexiest woman in soap operas.

”And I look nuffink like ‘er neever!”

It’s the kind of subtle difference we must hold in mind when we see OK!’s interview with the soap – not soapy – sex symbol.

OK! is keen to press its claim that Jessie is not at all like her soap character, Kat Slater.

”You wonder where on earth she conjures Kat Slater up from,” OK! says. Whereas Kat is a tart-faced slapper, Jessie is ”quietly spoken” and ”sweet-natured”.

Cue the first question: ”Jessie, can you tell us why you were suspended for two months from EastEnders recently?” ”It was just breach of contract,” says Jessie. ”I was late a few times.” Odd for a character far removed from the unruly Kat.

She’s just got to let her true self shine through and not let that loud, brash cow take over. Jessie agrees. ”I’ll end up an old woman smelling of cat’s pee if I’m not careful.”

Demure has nothing on Jessie.

And so we move on, progressing through questions about Jessie’s alleged fight with fellow EastEnder Hannah Waterman, her drinking, how the only position summer lover Andy Burton knew how to do was ”line dancing” and her recent court appearance.

It’s amazing how far removed from the woman she plays on screen she is. For starters, Kat hasn’t been to court.

Posted: 10th, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Aloud And Proud

‘TAKE Kimberley, Nicola, Nadine, Cheryl and Sara, stir them all together in a bag of truly terrible clothes, inject a skilled recording engineer, choreographers and a lighting expert and what do you have?

How may true voices?

Yes, that’s right, Girls Aloud.

Of course, there is more to being a popstar than being lucky, lucky, lucky. There’s having a good bum, for one thing. And an ability, as Sara puts it, to ”believe in yourself, be confident and don’t be deterred by anything people might say to you”.

That singing coach who says you carry a tune like a dog carries fleas – forget her. She’s only jealous of your bum.

In any case, you’ve got a sexy image. And you all fancy Justin Timberlake. ”It’s his talent,” says Cheryl. ”He’s not particularly good looking, but there is something about him.”

It’s called charisma, Cheryl. And if you want to know what it is, it’s in the dictionary after char and before court.

Posted: 10th, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


That’s Rich

‘IF you’re not that attractive, not that talented but want to get in between the pages of OK!, you’d best be rich.

”To die for” – Foxy Loxy

And that’s what Hannah, Emily and Octavia, three gels of fine stock are – although OK! is at pains to point out that the trio all ”work for a living”.

Hannah writes and appears in magazines, Emily won Fear Factor, a Sky TV show, and Octavia works part-time in a jewellers called Wint & Kidd.

But what they really work at is their wardrobes, which OK! tells the world are ”to die for”.

So expect lots of leather and fur.

Posted: 10th, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Aisle Be Back

‘LIKE planes stacked in a holding pattern above LAX airport, Hollywood’s finest are queuing up to take their turn down the aisle this summer.

Pam was determined to have a traditional white wedding

And first up is the most stacked of them all, Pamela Anderson, who is expected to get married for a second time this summer to Kid Rock.

But don’t expect a repeat of Pammie’s beach wedding to Tommy Lee – Kid (real name Bob Ritchie) tells the National Enquirer that it’s going to be a traditional affair.

”It’s going to be a religious ceremony,” he says, ”big white dress, tux and tails, hundreds of guests – comprised of close family and friends – and lots and lots of delicious food.”

And from there it’s straight off to co-star in their first movie together – Pammie Goes On Honeymoon II.

Following Bob and Pam down the aisle are, of course, Ben Affleck and J-Lo (making her third journey in this particular direction), with Hawaii the favourite as a venue.

Coming in to land next are Harrison Ford (also making his third trip down the aisle) and Calista Flockhart; Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro (both for the second time); and Julianne Moore (also making a repeat visit) and Bart Freundlich.

But how many of these couples will be married by this time next year is anyone’s guess – as the Enquirer observes, ”the Hollywood divorce rate is higher than Jennifer Lopez’s bottom line”.

Remember Nicolas Cage and Lisa Marie Presley, who tied the knot in August and promptly untied it three months later.

And Julia Roberts and Danny Moder, who pledged their eternal love to each other last July and have been wondering whether a year counts as an eternity ever since.

Posted: 5th, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Tom & Nic – The Sequel?

‘IT is no wonder that the gossip mags love Hollywood weddings when they get to report the divorce only a few months later.

Marriage in 44 of the 50 states

But only in very special cases do we get the marriage, the divorce and then the remarriage.

But that’s where Tom Cruise and ex-wife Nicole Kidman are heading, according to the Enquirer.

It reckons that pint-sized Tom is on the verge of dumping Latin lover Penelope Cruz – and then nothing would stand in the way of a reunion with his Aussie ex.

A pal of Nicole said: ”She knows she can survive on her own and be just as successful as he is – but, if you ask me, her heart belongs to him.

”I think that if they get together again, everyone will breathe a sigh of relief and rejoice in their great happiness. They might as well try it again.”

That’s not quite enough for us to rush to the church and start ringing the bells, but the Enquirer has more evidence for its claim.

Nicole and Tom spent half of Christmas Day together with their children; she lets his peck her on the cheek when they meet; and at times they hold hands.

Given that there are parts of America where a kiss on the cheek and holding hands actually constitutes a marriage, we’d say Nicole should be thinking about throwing away her heels…

Posted: 5th, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment