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Reviews | Anorak - Part 671

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We don’t just report off-beat news, breaking news and digest the best and worst of the news media analysis and commentary. We give an original take on what happened and why. We add lols, satire, news photos and original content.

The Silent Killer

‘ONE marriage that is still going strong, despite plentiful rumours to the contrary is that between Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston.

Jen got her protective coat on just in time

But only just because Jen recently survived a terrifying encounter with an in intruder in her new £14m Hollywood Hills home – mould.

”It was black and thick and really nasty,” a shaken Friends actress said in an interview. ”I had never seen anything that disgusting.”

Well, not since she accidentally walked into Matt Le Blanc’s dressing room while her co-star had his top off.

”I started cleaning it out,” Jen continues, ”than I got very, very sick.”

Fungal expert Dr Eckardt Johanning explains: ”Mould does not discriminate between rich and poor.”

At least not yet – scientists are, as we speak, working on a strain of mould that A-listers like Brad and Jen are immune to.

Next week, the day Meg Ryan came face to face with dust in her living room…

Posted: 5th, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Sins Of The Fathers

‘IT was inevitable that when Prince William gave an interview to the Press Association, Hello! would make less of a meal and more of a ten-course banquet from it.

Any military genes in your family, Major Hewitt?

The guts of the interview have been in the public realm for a while now – ”Everybody thinks I drink beer but I actually like cider” – leaving Hello! with the job of gilding the lily.

Volleying off more shots than a pheasant hunt, Hello! blasts readers with picture after picture of Prince Wills in various stages of sublime contentment.

If this were not enough, we are also treated to 21 headshots of the prince, a suitable number for a man who is soon to be 21 years of age – and more than handy for a game of darts.

And as Wills grows to look more like his mother, his brother gets ever more interested in military matters, a favourite pursuit of mummy’s special friend, the ginger love rat James Hewitt.

”Prince Harry’s zest for command and military action clearly shines through,” fawns the magazine’s caption of three pictures of ginger Harry running around with a gun and then firing it.

Harry is then seen taking on the role of parade commander, marching 48 cadets from Eton’s Combined Cadets Force onto the college fields.

It’s enough to make a watching Prince Charles beam with pride – and perhaps wonder whose genes the young chap has inherited…

Posted: 4th, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Cry Me A River

‘HAVE Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston heard that religion is the opium of the masses?

”And I baptise you Charlie…”

The husband and wife singers are shown in a state of spiritual ecstasy as they emerge after a plunge in the Biblical waters of the River Jordan.

Both Whitney and Bobby stand in white robes, heads pointed to the heavens, mouths open in the rictus of frenzied, pained enlightenment. Between them, head bowed, is their ten-year-old daughter Bobbi.

And if we cock an ear to the page we can hear what we imagine to be her private payer: ”When I open my eyes, please let it all have been some horrible nightmare…”

Posted: 4th, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Sven Will I See You Again?

‘WITH Victoria Beckham fighting to be recognised in America, Nancy Dell’Olio is making a bid to be the new top footballers’ wife.

More Chianti than Chardonnay

Granted, her beau Sven Goran Eriksson is no longer a player – he is manager of the England national team – but her pout and candour are cast in the mould of Mrs Beckham.

Leaning back against a tree in her native Rome, Nancy offers us the pearl of wisdom that ”the only person you can trust is your partner”.

Trust to do what? Even Hello!’s syrupy tones cannot add much sweetness to the fact that Nancy was married to lawyer Giancarlo Mazza when she fell for Sven.

”Your relationship is a gift,” says Nancy. ”There will be rainstorms but they can make your relationship stronger – and without them love would be easy and not worth having.”

Are we to deduce that she and Giancarlo are just going though something of rough patch, waiting to emerge over the other side in a haze of golden sunlight?

As Nancy says: ”I believe in marriage” – as sure a sign as any that Sven’s days are numbered.

Posted: 4th, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


It’s Life, Jim

‘HOW often do we see life imitating art?

Suranne and Jim in happier days – just after they’d received the OK! cheque

On EastEnders, Barry Evans is a fat, irritating loser. In real life, actor Shaun Williamson is a fat, irritating loser.

On Coronation Street, Karen’s marriage to Steve McDonald has crumbled; in real life, actress Suranne Jones has broken off her engagement to IT consultant Jim Phelan.

The couple insist that there is no-one else involved and that they have just grown further apart.

Only four months ago the couple were grinning happily from the cover of OK! as they chatted exclusively to the magazine about their plans for the future.

Sadly, however, it seems that the intimate Catholic wedding (with 150 people at most) will never take place; the Coronation Street bridesmaids (Sally Lindsay, Angie Lonsdale and Jenny James) won’t get to put their best frocks on; and Suranne will have to slip the antique engagement ring (”the most beautiful ring I have ever seen in my life”) off her finger.

What will happen to the cheque OK! gave them for the 11-page spread is not so clear.

”We still love each other dearly and it is with deep regret that we have reached the decision to separate, but we share a large group of very close friends and will continue to see each other socially,” they said.

And, who knows? Maybe love will blossom again, Jim will come up with another fairy-tale proposal and once again OK! will be forced to get its chequebook out…

Posted: 2nd, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Taking Over The World

‘JIM and Suranne may have failed to make it up the aisle, but it is now almost four years since Posh and Becks tied the knot in ”one of the most magical weddings the world has ever known”.

Was it really only four years ago?

The golden couple may have lost out to Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones as the world’s most romantic couple this year, but they are still ”blissfully happy” together.

And to celebrate the fact that their marriage has already lasted longer than both of Jennifer Lopez’s, OK! details the classic moments in the Beckham love story.

And using ”world exclusive pictures” and ”revealing words”, it reports on how the couple ”are achieving world domination”.

”Amazingly, while David is an international megastar,” it says, ”he was virtually unknown in the States until recently.”

But that is all set to change, OK! assures us, after they did an interview with the ABC network.

The editor of US magazine referred to them as ”the British answer to Ben Affleck and J-Lo”, it says, and magazines like The Globe ”went crazy for the loved-up pair”.

Crazy? This is how the Globe described the England football captain…

”A squeaky-voiced soccer player who paints his nails pink, wears a skirt and even wriggles into the sexy panties of his Spice Girl wife”.

Still, OK! thinks it’s only a matter of time before America is obsessed by the couple as it is.

”If it all goes to plan, it looks as though homes across America will also want a piece of David and Victoria,” OK! says.

”And it may not be long before Dollywood and Graceland have to make way for a new theme park – Beckingham Palace USA!”

Helium balloons provided…

Posted: 2nd, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Pigs Do Fly

‘FOR the past year, magazines like OK! have been trying to persuade us that there is something inherently interesting about Big Brother porker Jade Goody.

Goody-no-shoes

”She may not have won the show,” OK! reminds us, ”but she won a host of admirers – and is expecting a child in July with her model-turned-presenter boyfriend Jeff Brazier.”

In other words, to add to the qualities that we already know of – loudness, stupidity, drunkenness, obesity etc. – we can now add fertility.

With such an array of talents, it is no surprise that Jade has won over the nation’s hearts and is an estimated £400,000 richer than this time last year.

And there is more to come – she is about to appear with quiz show cheat Major Charles Ingram in a programme called Celebrity Wife Swap and is being paid £50,000 for a documentary about her pregnancy.

”No matter what happens,” OK! says, ”it looks like she’s here to stay.”

As, it seems, is the winner of last year’s programme Kate Lawler who runs the rule over this year’s contestants.

Of Gos: ”Every other word is ‘mate’, which is hilarious”; of Anoushka: ”Her walk is wicked!” of Ray: ”His Irish accent is wicked”; of Sissy: ”She’s a DJ, which is a cool job”; and, best of all, of Tania: ”She’s very posh”.’

Posted: 2nd, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Facing Up To Fat

‘UNLESS you are a tub, being called ”tubby” is rarely a good thing. But it’s the word used by the Enquirer to describe the woman who sank one huge ship: Kate Winslet.

”And here’s the face I eat chocolate with…”

The only lucky break is that the magazine says that Kate only used to be tubby and having lost a ”whopping” 56 pounds using a diet based on her facial features, is now as slim as any other Hollywood type.

The face diet is the master plan of nutritionist Elizabeth Gibaud, who has identified six basic face types, each of which commands a different set of nutritional needs.

The half dozen faces are not listed but as a rule of thumb, if you have a fat face, then you should try to eat less and exercise more.

Posted: 30th, May 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Falling Idol

‘HOW cool is Simon Cowell? Answer: as cool as an angry man eating a raw chilli on the face of the sun.

Smooth as a badger’s bum

But Cowell does know how to use his newfound fame, and the Enquirer says that star of American Idol has been trying get a date.

Giving a rare insight into Cowell’s social life, the magazine says that he’s currently trying to pull Tabitha Stevens, star of XXX hard-core porno films.

In one call taped on Tabitha’s voice-mail, which Tabitha sensitively played to the world on the Howard Stern Show, TV’s Mr Nasty is heard turning on his oily charm.

”Hi, sweetheart – it’s Simon again. How are you? Um, sorry I couldn’t talk earlier on. Um, I’m around. Give me a call back. You’ve got my number.”

As have we all Simon. As have we all…

Posted: 30th, May 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Pig And Muck

‘THERE are many things that could symbolise America better than the bald eagle or the good ol’ stars and stripes.

God bless America

In time to come, when the last eagle has been stuffed and mounted and Old Glory has so many stars on it – what with British and Caribbean inclusion – that it looks like a pincushion, America will look for a new symbol of what they are.

A pair of huge fake breasts will be tried out. The Presidential seal will take on an X-rated tilt, so soon be done away with in favour of a hamburger, a Stetson hat or a semi-automatic weapon in a handbag.

But this week’s National Enquirer has come up with an alternative image that seems to epitomise all that is good and bad with American life.

The entire episode runs as follows. ”Following dinner at Del Frisco’s Steak House, the hotblooded gals returned to Anna’s house, where they kicked her pet pig out of the bed and plunged into an all-night marathon lovemaking session.”

Refine now that image with the buxom charms of Anna Nicole Smith, married at the time to 86-year-old billionaire oilman J. Howard Marshall, and former nurse’s assistant Sandi Powledge.

Is this not a picture that shows how in America you can be whatever you want to be – and if you want to make it with a large porcine beast, then so be it?

And that goes for her pet pig, too.

Posted: 30th, May 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Ever So ‘Umble

‘SHAUN Williamson, known to millions as fat loser Barry on EastEnders, used to be a regular on Channel 5’s karaoke show, Night Train.

At least Shaun’s still got his looks

(Other regulars included Suggs, Will Mellor and a monkey.)

Our Shaun fancies himself as a bit of a singer and can’t resist any opportunity to belt out a tune, even on a show whose audience was measured in fractions.

That is just one of the reasons why Shaun is philosophical about the future, now he is no longer with EastEnders.

”I’m just lucky that I’m a singer and stand-up comedian and after-dinner speaker,” he says, ”so I’m confident I’ll always be able to pay my mortgage.”

But it’s not just Shaun’s many talents that will keep him going in the months and years to come, it is his immense ability for self-deception.

After telling us that he is ”very humble” and is just a normal bloke ”who walks his dogs across the field and puts his kids to bed”, EastEnders’ very own Uriah Heap tells of his plans for the future.

”Years ago, before I became an actor, a friend of my mum’s went to a fortune teller who told her,, ‘You have a friend called Irene’ – that’s my mum – ‘and she has a son called Shaun, and he’s going to be very famous one day,” he explains.

”When I got EastEnders in 1994, I realised that this might be it. And then I thought ‘Hold on, I hope this isn’t just it. I hope I’m not just remembered for being a soap actor’.”

Don’t worry on that account, Shaun. The chances are that you won’t be remembered at all…

Posted: 28th, May 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Supermum And Superbaby

‘WHERE did Elle McPherson get the name of her second son from – a scrabble dictionary?

Heaving a Cy

Cy might be worth only seven points in the normal course of events, but could prove invaluable at using up a stray ‘y’ and taking advantage of a double word score.

Not that Elle has got time for scrabble – she’s too busy being a supermother (looking after Cy and Flynn), a superwife (looking after partner Arki) and a supermodel.

And anyway, Cy is not just Cy. He is Aurelius Cy Andrea.

”Aurelius is after the wonderful Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius,” she says (which doesn’t really explain why they didn’t opt for Marcus).

”I think it’s a very strong name. Cy is after the artist Cy Twombly, whose paintings I love, and Andrea is a family name of Arki’s side.”

And also a girl’s name, but we’ll let that pass and ask about whether Elle sees herself as a supermum.

”I’m just a mother. I think that’s the best you can be – you don’t have to be a supermother,” she says.

”Anyway, all mothers are superstars because we have so much on our plate: raising children, running a household, being a wife. For me, I’m simply a mother, which is in itself a big job.”

But one that is made easier with the help of a supernanny, a supercook, a supergardener…

Posted: 28th, May 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


V Is For Victoria

‘LET’S hear it for Lady Victoria Hervey. No, we meant cheers for everyone’s favourite overexposed aristocrat, not boos…

Gratuitous photo of Daniela Hantuchova No.241

For here is Lady V in her obligatory see-through dress bringing some much-needed class and glamour to the World Sports Awards in Monaco.

Other great sporting luminaries who turned up included Rod Stewart’s girlfriend Penny Lancaster and his ex-wife Rachel Hunter (both keen equestrians), Kylie Minogue (an Olympic gymnast) and her fella Olivier Martinez (a keen amateur darts player).

A couple of less well-known sports stars, like Lance Armstrong, the Williams sisters and Ronaldo, were also invited, so there was someone to hand over the prizes to.

And, in the absence of Anna Kournikova, it was left to Daniela Hantuchova to represent the more glamorous side of woman’s tennis.

And to give us a cheap opportunity to publish her picture a full month before the start of Wimbledon.

Posted: 28th, May 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Gest Of Honour

‘SINCE the majority of David Gest is 50 years of age, the man seemingly made of wax threw a party for all his friends.

”I’m a great fan of David, er, Whatsisname”

And when Michael Jackson and Bubbles couldn’t make it – prior engagements and all – he let in the fist 400 hundred people who wanted as much publicity as they could eat and drink.

And OK! was in the vicinity and came along, watching as the likes of David’s dear and special friends Jessie Wallace, So Solid Crew singer Lisa Maffia and Jessica Taylor from Liberty X sashayed though the door of the Dorchester hotel on London’s Park Lane and made a beeline for the spot marked ”photo opportunity”.

In the dash to get their picture taken the likes of Blue’s Duncan James and Lee Ryan might have wondered who the odd looking chap with the dark glasses on was.

And we can tell them that his name is David Gest, and that’s his fizzy white wine and fish paste you’re pouring down your neck.

Now acquainted with the host, the guests were gushing in their praise for him.

”I’m really enjoying myself chatting to all the people here and I just love Liza Minelli,” says EastEnders’ actress Jessie Wallace.

Of course what she means to say is that she loves Liza and David both. After all, this is his party.

”I think Liza is amazing. She is an icon and I can’t believe I’ve been invited to the party,” says Jessica Taylor when asked to comment on David.

But before we can press her on how sexy David is, Claire Sweeney has pooped up.

”I’m a genuine Liza Minelli fan,” says Claire, ”and to be invited to her party is probably a dream come true. I’ve stood in the freezing cold in New York to get her autograph so to be here is a real honour.”

And then by way of human interest: ”I took my mum to see her in Victor Victoria – I’m just a massive fan.”

Of course Claire is wrong and it is not ”her” party, it is ”his” party, the birthday bash of David Gest, the man who could be a lifelike exhibit at Madame Tussaud’s – if only anyone knew who he was.

Posted: 27th, May 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


A Right Tit

‘IT’S rude to leave a party without thanking the host, and his wife, and OK! invites us to dally a while longer and share a few pleasantries with David and Liz.

Invited Gests

Cutting to the chase, the magazine asks how David feels about making it to 50.

”I never think about things in terms of age,” says David – a strange comment for man who has just had party to commemorate half a century of living.

”We have friends in every age group. There are people like Mary J Blige, Michael Jackson, Monica, Mya, Anastasia, Martine McCutcheon, Usher and Jane Russell.” And Claire Sweeney.

Having established his ‘people person’ credentials, David is free to talk about the friend who matters most, his lover Liza. The woman he must protect.

”If anybody tried to hurt Liza, I would kill them,” says David. ”I feel that strongly about her.”

And how safe she must feel knowing that David is there to shield her from the unwelcome attentions of weirdos and oddballs.

”The fact is I love the woman and I cannot go to sleep each night unless I am laying on her left breast,” he says.

”I still love her right breast, but her left breast is home and the comfort zone.”

He then asks: ”Who’d want to give that up?” Certainly not Liza, or any other woman in her right mind.

Posted: 27th, May 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


We’ve Always Got Paris

‘AS if you needed any more reminding, rich people are better looking than you – the poor.

The T-shirt says, ‘I LOVE PARIS’

In fact, they are better at everything, even at being poor, if only they were given the chance.

And the pin-up of the rich and ”aren’t I beautiful” is Paris Hilton, the one who is rapidly becoming the apple of OK!’s eye.

”Paris Hilton is everything a young woman could want to be,” we hear.

We are then reminded how Paris and her sister Nicky are ”heiresses to the Hilton hotel chain”, how Paris is an ”up-and-coming actress”, ”recording her first album” and ”finds time to do a bit of modelling”.

It truly is amazing that one fabulously wealthy woman can have so many fabulous careers. Why then is she, as the magazine that knows reminds us, ”ridiculed for being nothing but an airhead with a trust fund”?

How unfair is that? Especially since above all her many talents she is ”just a normal hard-working girl with normal dreams”.

”People don’t really say anything to me specifically,” says Paris. ”They might talk behind my back but they’re scared I might find out because they know they’ll be sorry.”

Since we are not told how these backbiters will be made to feel sorry, we are prepared to go where OK! dares not to tread and invite Paris to bring it on with a full frontal bite.

We think you are untalented and trading on your name.

Oh-oh! Paris has heard us. ”I feel like I’ve been working really hard and I’m not trying to live off my name at all.” Okay, Paris. Please, have mercy. We’re sorr…

”I’m recording an album.” Ahhh! ”I’m acting in movies…” Noooooo! ”…and I’ve done it all on my own.”

Please no more. We are sooo sorry. Just promise us you won’t mention children… ”I’d like to have kids but I also want to act and sing.” Ouch!

And why not combine the two, Paris. Ah-one, ah-two, ah-one-two-three-four – ”The wheels on the limo go round and round…”

Posted: 27th, May 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


And Now We Are One

‘CAN Julia Roberts make it to her first wedding anniversary with a husband in tact?

A bike and, er, another one

That’s the big question as the Pretty Woman star approaches the 11-month mark with current beau Danny Moder.

But the signs aren’t looking good, with the National Enquirer having this week to report that the couple’s marriage is in crisis.

It says the 35-year-old Roberts is preparing to turn her back on Hollywood to try to save the relationship – but it may be too late.

Moder apparently told his wife ”It’s over” after one of their frequent rows – and he’s then supposed to have announced that he’s going back to his first wife, Vera.

A close pal takes up the story. ”Julia begged Danny: ‘Please don’t leave me! I can’t live without you! I’ll do anything to save this marriage.”’

Anything, says the Enquirer, could include buying a place in Hawaii and relocating there for 18 months.

”I want to find a tropical paradise for me and Danny, as far away from Hollywood as I can get,” she reportedly told a friend.

Hawaii’s not exactly as far away from Hollywood as you can get, but it is thankfully in the good old US of A and therefore not full of nasty foreign types.

”This is Julia’s last desperate attempt to save her marriage,” a pal tells the magazine. ”She couldn’t take the embarrassment and humiliation of having yet another failed relationship.”

With so many behind her, you would have thought it was water off a duck’s back by now.

But even friends don’t think a career break or marriage counselling will save this one.

”It’s one thing for Julia, who is worth millions and has reached her goals by winning an Oscar, to step back and take a break from the business,” says a pal.

”But for Danny, it might not be such a great move to have Julia around all the time.”

The couple got married on July 4 last year. This year, July 4 might be independence day for them both.

Posted: 22nd, May 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


No Action Hero

‘AT least Danny and Julia made it up the aisle – Ben and Jen are having trouble even getting there.

J-Lo models her new gym gear

The Enquirer has been full of rumours, detailing the couple’s problems over the past few months.

And the latest seems to be that their sex life has gone to pot – a victim of J-Lo’s obsession with keeping in shape.

The magazine says she forced Affleck to get out of bed at 4am for hour-long workouts – and not ones of the horizontal sort.

”Jenny’s killing me, man,” Ben supposedly told a friend. ”She’s dragging my butt out of bed before the sun is up because she’s afraid of getting fat.

”But we’re both so tired at night, there’s no action.”

One would have thought that dragging J-Lo’s butt out of bed was a work-out in itself – but the 32-year-old diva also has a gruelling five-times-a-week regime of sit-ups, push-ups and butt-firming isometrics.

And Ben’s got himself caught up in it.

”He made the mistake of letting Jen talk him into these early-morning work-outs when they first started dating,” the friend says.

”But he’d rather stay in bed and make love – that’s exercise to him.”

Posted: 22nd, May 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


American In London

‘ONE of that select band of men who can call themselves Julia Roberts’ ex-boyfriend is over in London at the moment.

”Could that bus be any closer?”

And given most Yanks’ notion of us Brits, he must be amazed not to discover a city either full of Terry Thomas-like cads or Dick Van Dyke cockneys.

Certainly, that is what Enquirer gossip editor Mike Walker, who is also over on this side of the Atlantic, seems to believe.

He recounts the story of how Perry, who is acting in a West End play, was hit by a bus when looking in the wrong direction.

”The horrified driver and passengers erupted from the vehicle and swarmed around him as he groggily got to his feet – dazed, but insisting to all the good chaps that he was just hunk-dory.

”After briefly explaining the meaning of hunk-dory to the fascinated Brits, Matt took off down the street.”

And all us chaps were thankful that at last we knew what the title of that 1971 David Bowie album meant.

Next week, Kelsey Grammar explains the meaning of the word ‘funky’.

Posted: 22nd, May 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Darling Bud Of Mey

‘LIKE an empty bottle of gin, the country seems a hollow place without its spiritual mother.

Gone to the big gin palace in the sky

Ever since the Queen Mother passed away in her sleep at the age of 198, we’ve been rolling around like a lost ice cube in a tumbler of misery and drizzle.

At least Hello! knows what’s what, and has filled the chasm in our hearts, and the space between an advert for holidays in Egypt and pictures of Penelope Cruz in a dress, with an insight into how things used to be.

It’s as if the dear old gal had only popped out for a short trip to the off-licence as we peer around the inside of the Castle Of Mey, the Highland retreat she called ”Heaven on Earth”.

Now that she’s in Heaven for real, we the common folk have been permitted inside the grounds and even within the front door with no fear of a bite from a guard dog or a cannon ball in the head.

Words cannot do the place justice, imbued as it is with the essence of the Queen Mother. So instead let us look to a poem, written in regal hand in her visitors’ book.

”Although we must leave you/Fair Castle of Mey/We shall never forget/Nor could ever…” Stand the place? ”…repay.”

It goes on: ”A meal of such splendour/Repast of such zest/It will take us to Sunday/Just to…” Pick it from our wooden teeth? ”…digest.”

More: ”To leafy Balmoral/We are now on our way/But our hearts will remain at the Castle of Mey/With your gardens and ranger/ and all your good cheer/We will be back again soon/So roll on…” The barrel? ”…next year.”

Who would have guessed the Queen had a beautiful way with words? Well, not anyone who’s read that bilge.

Posted: 21st, May 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Ed Rest

‘ON account of the impending birth of the poor creature who will have to call Prince Edward ”daddy”, Sophie Wessex has not accompanied said husband on a tour of the Caribbean.

No Wessexes please, we’re British

Sadly, Edward’s dresser appears also to have stayed at home, as have the first Lord of the Mirror, Sir Horace Hat-Maker and a large chunk of the inhabitants of Grand Cayman.

What we are left with is a typically sorry sight of Eddie done up like a geriatric kipper walking along in the belief that a) people know who he is and b) people think he’s Stephen Spielberg.

All he could do was threaten them that Sophie would be with him ”next time”.

If ever there were a time for the poor peoples of Grand Cayman to go independent of the Crown it is now.

As it is, Eddie was only in town for four days, what with the demands of being so loved, he was needed for three days in Barbados and a further two in Jamaica.

Which must mean he’s now due some time off.

Posted: 21st, May 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Dressing-Up Boxes

‘WHEN it comes to being loved and worshiped even Eddie Wessex can doff his absurd oversized Panama hat in the direction of the soap actors’ guild.

Frock horror!

All the stars of the smallest screen came out to play for the British Soap Awards, and Hello! has the pictures.

Little can be said about the awards themselves, other than well done to Roly the poodle for being Most Fanciable Dog In Soap and to Megan Hargreaves, who plays Seth’s moustache in Emmerdale with such selfless professionalism.

What we will look at are the outfits. The rule for the girls is to flaunt whatever you’ve got, whether you have it or not.

We are thus treated to a selection of outfits a five-year-old girl with a dressing-up box would think were to die for. Sadly, the rest of us think they are horrible.

The message to the Hollyoaks girls, whose sense of style is on a par with their acting abilities, is next time you want to look good, stand next to Prince Edward.

And if he’s away, stick next to Carole Vorderman like a nervous limpet.

Posted: 21st, May 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Marriage By Numbers

‘ONE can only assume camp TV presenter Dale Winton’s marriage to glamour model Nell McAndrew is some kind of grotesque made-for-TV stunt.

”Not bad for a transvestite,” says Dale

Or possibly a comment on the shallowness of our celebrity-obsessed age.

Whatever the motivation, the whole thing is like an identikit C-list wedding, except that the bride and groom have been accidentally drawn from the same box.

As for the guests, they have all been picked at random from Les Dennis’ address book.

In attendance were the likes of Kym Marsh and her beau Jack Ryder; Blue’s Antony Costa and fiancee Lucy Bolster; Toby Anstis, Mystic Meg, Gina G, Esther Rantzen, David Seaman, Nicholas Parsons, Tony Blackburn…

Dale’s best man was footballer Graeme Souness, while his best woman was Cilla Black. Nell, meanwhile, was given away by TV home improvements expert Phil Turner.

Kerry Katona, the pneumatically-chested former Atomic Kitten, said the occasion brought back memories of her wedding to Westlife fatty Brian McPudding.

Presumably, that was because all the canapes had disappeared within five minutes of the start of the reception.

”I think a few people found it hard to take seriously,” she told OK!, ”but if two people are in love it’s nice.”

And if two people are doing it only to boost their profile and pick up a bit fat cheque, that’s nice as well.

Posted: 19th, May 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Straight Talking

‘IT seems that Dale and Nell are intent on having a very traditional relationship – no sex before marriage…and probably no sex after it.

Nell’s in for a big surprise

According to Cilla Black, Nell phoned her the night before the wedding to ask what her groom was like in bed.

”I told her he is a restless sleeper and prone to a fag or two,” said the Blind Date presenter in her speech, ”which had guests crying with laughter”.

”We all know that marriage is something of a gamble, like the lottery. And all I can say is that Nell, you might get a rollover tonight.”

After all, the odds are only about 14,000,000-1.

Looking to the future, Dale says: ”As for any indiscretions I may have had, I’ve certainly put that side of my life away for the moment – well, forever. Yes, forever!”

And Nell will never have to get down on her hands and knees again.

”Dale has already said that we’ll have staff to do all the cleaning so I don’t need to worry about getting my hands dirty,” she says, ”and he said I will never want for anything.”

Except, of course, a straight husband.

Posted: 19th, May 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Tears For Careers

‘NELL McAndrew was known only for taking her clothes off until her appearance on last year’s I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here!

”I’m looking for a role that requires lots of crying”

Since then, she hasn’t looked back and has been taking her clothes off with even greater regularity than before.

Let’s hope the same is true for the career of Danniella Westbrook, last seen blubbing her eyes out in the Australian rainforest.

Even if her brief appearance on the show doesn’t boost her career, it won’t all have been a waste.

”Every cloud has a silver lining,” says OK!, ”and, although Danniella didn’t enjoy her time in the Queensland ravine, there have been some positive outcomes.

”Not only did she show that she’s a bright, sparky individual who has come out of a 14-year drug addiction a better person, she proved what a devoted mother and wife she is.”

And there was us thinking she was just a needy, whining drama queen…’

Posted: 19th, May 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment