Reviews | Anorak - Part 672

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We don’t just report off-beat news, breaking news and digest the best and worst of the news media analysis and commentary. We give an original take on what happened and why. We add lols, satire, news photos and original content.

Fat Friends

”’I GIVE this ring as a sign of our love, that now I make the choice to share this life with you. Let my arms be your haven, let my heart be your home.”

”Doesn’t she look lovely…?”

And with words that serve to explain why actors use a scriptwriter, Friends star Matt LeBlanc plighted his troth to former model Melissa McKnight.

She then repeated the words – that are now forever etched in cheese – and the two were duly pronounced photo opportunity and wife.

And what photographs there are. Sadly, they all appear to have been taken from the wrong side of a sand dune on the Hawaiian island of Kauai.

Undeterred by an overlooked invitation to party with the LeBlancs, the Enquirer took its happy snapper and went down to the beach, where wedding guests Courteney Cox and Jennifer Aniston were in their bikinis.

Over the page, and the two friends of the groom were still in their two-piece swimsuits, and had been joined by a large-boned girlfriend dressed in many acres of red swimsuit.

Jenn can be seen looking at her unnamed pal while placing her hand over her heart and adopting a look of horror. How did someone so large get in shot?

Well, Jenn, this what you get for leaving Hollywood – having to share lens coverage with fat people, who expect to sit on the same bit of sand as the slim and perfect.

It is just so very wrong.

Posted: 16th, May 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment

M Marks The Spot

‘WHAT’S great about being Mark Wahlberg is that when everyone else forgets who you are, you can just roll up your sleeve, consult your arm and know that you are ”MW Wahlberg”.

But what does it mean?

That’s what it says on the tattoo etched in dark ink on the actor’s upper right arm.

And before you mock, let is be said that there is a fashion in Hollywood for writing the name of a loved one on your body. And at last Mark, unlike Angelina Jolie, will never fall out of love with himself.

As for the winsome actress, she can be seen with makeup covering the name of her former lover Billy Bob Thornton, and getting another tattoo at the local parlour.

The new artwork consists of five vertical rows of ancient Cambodian script linked on her back.

The words are said to keep off bad luck, but we have employed the services of an ancient Cambodian to tell us what they really mean.

And the message is simple: ”Mark Wahlberg.”

Posted: 16th, May 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment

Stress Busters

‘IT might sound incredible, but it makes it no less true – Hollywood stars do get stressed out, just like the rest of us. And the Enquirer has looked into ways they battle feelings of angst and worry.

”I didn’t steal it. I knit for Gucci!”

Julia Roberts and Penelope Cruz like to get the needle from acupuncturist Suk Woon. ”Stars are stressed because of work or relationships. Or from working at relationships,” says Suk.

No wonder Julia Roberts seeks solace in knitting, along with Sarah Jessica Parker, Uma Thurman and Winona Ryder, who all swear by it. Although, on occasion we have heard that shoplifting is a bit of light relief.

Madonna, Cameron Diaz and a load of lithesome others turn to yoga. While Robert Duvall loves dancing and, get his, had a private dance floor put in his barn.

Other ways to alleviate stress include hiking (Brad Pitt), jogging in tandem (Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell), riding a motorcycle (George Clooney and Patrick Swayze) and playing golf (Bill Murray).

The rest, we suppose, just stick to the tried and tested formula of drugs, booze and kinky sex.

Posted: 16th, May 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment

An Everyday Tale

‘IN days of yore, Lady Helen Windsor was a darling of the tabloids with a tabloid nickname to match – Lady Helen ”Melons” Windsor.

Lady H had a feeling she was being stalked by Superman

These days, however, the only thing you are likely to see protruding from the chest of the 39-year-old daughter of the Duke and Duchess Of Kent is her new baby, Eloise.

Eloise is only two months old, but is already a great advert for a balanced melon diet.

As for Mum, Lady Helen may be 25th in line to the throne, but she is determined to play down her Royal pedigree, insists Hello!

Her accent is, we are told, ”well-spoken but classless” and to all intents and purposes she is just a regular gel.

As Hello! catches up with her in her five-bedroom house in Belgravia, Lady Helen is exhausted.

Husband Tim is out, presumably overseeing his new art gallery, which opens on May 20 in Dering Street. And sons Columbus and Cassius are at school.

It is a situation that, we are sure, mothers up and down the country can relate to.

And not only that, but Lady Helen has to juggle all this with her job – as global fashion ambassador for Giorgio Armani.

But at least she has help from hubby Tim – when he’s not opening a new art gallery, that is.

”He has always been a very hands-on father,” says Lady Helen. ”I do most of it because I’m better at it, but he’s very good at bringing up cups of tea in the morning.”

The epitome of a modern man – and so much preferable to one who brings up pints of lager in the evening…

Posted: 15th, May 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment

Here’s Looking At You, Kidd

‘YOU have to hand it to the toffs – they can breed.

Auntie Jodie had ruined the dining room table

Norway’s Princess Martha Louise and husband Ari Behn show off their first born, Maud Angelica in this week’s edition of Hello!

And international polo player Jack Kidd introduces us to his new-born son John ”at his magnificent home near Windsor Great Park.”

Now, some of the more common Hello! readers might not know Jack Kidd – so the magazine, with perfect manners as always, is keen to help out.

Jack, we are told ”is perhaps better known as the son of polo star Johnny Kidd”.

Still no? Remember motorbike stuntman Eddie Kidd? Footballer Brian Kidd? Cowboy Billy The Kidd? Pirate Captain Kidd? Radio DJ Dave ‘Kidd’ Jensen?

Well, Jack isn’t related to any of them but, if it makes it any easier, he is the elder brother of supermodel Jodie and celebrity make-up artist Jemma.

And his wife’s called Be. So there.

Posted: 15th, May 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment

A Swede And A Leak

‘HOW did the news that celebrity shagger Ulrika Jonsson and Lance Gerrard-Wright were engaged leak out?

Lancelot and Lanced-a-lot

Well, the news broke on a visit to her future in-laws’ house in Folkingham, Lincolnshire – and the culprit appears to have been a local shopkeeper.

According to one observer, Ulrika asked the owner of the village store: ”Can you keep a secret?” After being reassured that he couldn’t, she flashed her ring.

”Then she said, ‘I’m getting engaged’,” reports the observer. ”She then kissed him three times.”

The poor shopkeeper was momentarily stunned, fearing for a second that he had just committed himself to becoming Ulrika’s Husband No.3.

But it all worked out all right in the end – the photographers quickly turned up in Folkingham and Ulrika was able to flash her ring and a smile at a much wider audience.

In fact, the only downside on the whole thing was that the £5,000 platinum and diamond ring Lance had bought his Swedish belle was the wrong size.

”Although she could initially wear the ring,” says Hello!, ”she was in pain every time she moved her finger and it had to be returned to Tiffany to be enlarged.”

Given the number of times Ulrika has been engaged, you would have thought the jeweller would have a template of her finger by now…

Posted: 15th, May 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment

Cover Girl

‘WHILE Neighbours brings us Natalie Imbruglia, Jason Donovan and, or course, Stefan Dennis, Brookside has also provided TV light entertainment with some faces.

Not-her-own material girl

Anna Friel has worn some decent outfits and had her picture taken, oh, dozens of times. And Claire Sweeney, the refreshingly untalented Test Card girl is as ubiquitous as the very air we breathe.

But now they are all set to be trumped by Jennifer Ellison, the girl OK! says is a ‘soap star turned pop sensation’.

And since OK! is never wrong, we can only sit back in awe as the magazine invites us for an audience with the woman who explains ‘why Madonna had better watch out’.

First we get to hear what a record bigwig told Jen when she was worried about being considered a fraud for opening her fantastic career with a cabaret version of Transvision Vamp’s Baby I Don’t Care.

‘You’d be silly not to release the Transvision Vamp one,’ said the man in the indoor sunglasses. ‘It’s a great track, everybody knows it. Who are you trying to impress? The kids or the ‘cool crew’ from Notting Hill?

You’re not Bono trying to change the world. You’re in it to have fun, aren’t you? Well, take a chance and go for it.’

And go for it she has, taking a real risk in opening her pop account with another band’s hit song.

Living the life of an artiste is a scary business, putting so much of what you are on the line for the public to do down or up.

But, then, as we heard, Madonna had best watch out. You see, our interviewer has spotted the uncanny resemblance between Jen’s Scouse scream and Madonna’s multi-platinum selling voice.

‘In fact you sound like a young Madonna,’ says the interviewer. ‘My mum said that,’ says Jen. ‘Especially when I sang her a ballad I’d recorded. And the producers I worked with said it, too.’

Which suggests it might be time for Madonna to take a risk with her career and go for it. Look out for her ‘cover’ version of Every Loser Wins soon.

Posted: 13th, May 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment

If The Cake Fits…

‘LAST time we saw Tania Bryer she was up to her neck in the world’s tallest fairycake.

Tania shows off the style that made her Reader’s Wife Of The Year

It was the birthday of either Francesca or Melissa, her daughters, and they’d invited a host of photogenic pals to be on their best behaviour and do as the man with the camera says.

Now Tanya and her accessories are in the Bahamas, wearing clothes that, according to OK!, explain why she is the ‘perfect choice of beauty columnist for the Daily Express’.

That the two organs are published by Richard Desmond’s firm is mere coincidence.

And we are sure that Tanya would be just as suited to a role in I Shag For Publicity and Blonde And Haughty as any other hard-working mum.

Posted: 13th, May 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment

The White Stuff

‘RUNNING OK! magazine presents some real challenges. After all, do you put the story of Atomic Kitten going to the funfair ahead or behind the tale of how Victoria Beckham wore a dress?

Martine, Martine, give us a wave

Thankfully, there is Martine McCutcheon, who is yet again on hand to deflect attention away from this minefield and onto her white skin.

Looking at Martine frolicking with ‘toy boy’ lover James Tanner we are rendered momentarily snowblind.

Blessedly, both Martine and James are soon in their sunglasses, walking hand in hand along a promenade in southern Spain – or Spine, as Martine would have it.

But our eyes are still damaged. And we an only hope they’re better for next week’s edition – when Martine, Tania and Jen tell us more about their utterly fantastic lives…

Posted: 13th, May 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment

And Baby Makes Two

‘CELEBRITY decoding No.43: ‘My baby always comes first.’

Like father, like daughter-in-law

This has one of three meanings. It either means ‘My career’s on the skids and I’m stuck at home with nothing better to do’ or ‘I can’t get a man for love or money.’ Or, of course, both.

This week, we can look at two examples, courtesy of OK! magazine.

The first comes from Emma Noble, one-time model, one-time actress and one-time wife of James Major (son of one-time Prime Minister John Major).

‘I want to be a success, but my little boy will always come first,’ she is quoted as saying.

Not a particularly hard job for three-year-old Harrison at the moment, however.

Mum’s out of work after the show she was in, Crossroads, was axed, and Mum’s clean out of a husband after her four-year marriage came a cropper.

But Mum’s not ‘a fuss-and-nonsense person’.

‘I’m a terrible worrier, but then when it’s all over, I forget,’ she says. ‘I wouldn’t say nothing touches me because it clearly does, but things move on. There’s no point in looking back.’

There may be no point, but that’s not going to stop OK!, which is more than happy to pick over the bones of Emma’s marriage and remind her of some of the things she has said in the past.

Such as ‘We both believe marriage is for ever and I couldn’t bear it if we split up’ and ‘Infidelity would not be forgivable in my relationship’…

The second example is provided by another former soap star, Tina Hobley, who ‘reveals why no man can compete with the love of her life – her beautiful daughter Isabella’.

Again, this may have something to do with the fact that she also separated from her husband Steve Wallington – also after four years of marriage – a few months ago.

Tina is at least currently working – the former Coronation Street barmaid has been to nursing college and is now helping out on the wards of Holby General.

But it is only to provide for her daughter. ‘She’s the most important person in my life – nothing else matters,’ she says.

Yes, nothing else matters when there is nothing else…

Posted: 9th, May 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment

Lancaster Bombs

‘WHEN Penny Lancaster gave up modelling, she became Rod Stewart’s girlfriend. And a photographer.

Penny and her assistant

As the former, she has done an excellent job. Mind you, as the only qualifications are being blonde and leggy and as Penny’s a leggy blonde, it wasn’t a difficult task.

But she doesn’t seem to have got the hang of this photography malarkey yet.

Penny’s problem is that she keeps taking off her clothes and appearing on the other side of the camera – as indeed she does in this week’s OK! magazine.

The 31-year-old is apparently the new face and body of Ultimo lingerie – and is more than happy to give readers a preview of the Spring/Summer collection.

Not only that, but she sits and talks about ‘the terrifying ordeal that made her give up modelling in her twenties, her run-ins with the paparazzi and her famous cleavage…’

Exactly what this terrifying ordeal was we are at a loss to explain, but it might have had something to do with seeing Rod first thing in the morning before he had put his make-up on.

All Penny will say is: ‘I knew I couldn’t model forever, so I looked for another career and that is photography.’

And as soon as she works out which side of the camera is which, we’re sure she will be a great success.

Posted: 9th, May 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment

Bit Of An I Do

”WHEN you’re young, gorgeous, successful and in love, what better way is there to seal your devotion to one another than to organise a glamorous, star-studded wedding?’

The soon to be former Mrs Murphy

A fair question from OK! – and one to which a whole host of celebrities answer, in lemming-like fashion, ‘I do’.

But when you’re slightly less young, slightly less gorgeous, slightly less successful and very definitely no longer in love, what better to do than to organise an expensive and acrimonious divorce?

Heading for the divorce courts by way of a church this summer are, according to OK!, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, Davinia Taylor and Dave Gardner, Shane Filan and Gillian Walsh, Nicky Byrne and Georgina Ahern, Natalie Imbruglia and Daniel Johns, Nicole Appleton and Liam Gallagher, Stella McCartney and Alasdhair Willis and Joanna Taylor (who, we are sad to say, is still on holiday) and Danny Murphy.

If any of the above are having last-minute jitters, they could do worse than leaf through this week’s magazine, where they will soon discover that marriage is very definitely not for life.

Just ask Emma Noble or Tina Hobley. Or Tracy Shaw. Or Angelina Jolie. Or Michael Douglas. Or Rod Stewart. Or Liam Gallagher…

Posted: 9th, May 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment

A Dog’s Life

‘BY our reckoning, Jennifer Lopez has at least two wedding dresses hanging up in one of her many walk-in wardrobes.

She’ll be all white on the night

But that’s not enough for the big-bottomed diva, who has apparently splashed out $100,000 on a new gown for her upcoming nuptials.

The National Enquirer publishes an artist’s impression of the ‘dreamy’ dress – the creation of French designer Azzedine Alaia.

And judging by the picture, there will only be one star of the wedding – J-Lo’s bum.

‘Alaia’s one-of-a-kind wedding creations are designed to flatter the part of the female form that he values most,’ says the magazine.

‘And that’s the bottom line for the derriere-blessed diva.’

Little wonder that a fashion insider says the pairing of the Latin singer and the Tunisian-born designer is ‘a match made in heaven’.

Can the same be said, however, for the match between J-Lo and her fiance Ben Affleck?

According to the Enquirer, the 30-year-old Affleck is sick of being treated like a dog by his wife-to-be.

A close friend of the couple revealed that Ben sat Jennifer down and told her: ‘I am your lover, not your pet.”

Friends say that Affleck was upset at being made to sell his Los Angeles bachelor pad, being told what to wear and how to do his hair and having to make appointments to see his fiancée via her PA.

‘After much shouting, crying and arguing they finally made peace,’ the magazine says.

Ben gave Jennifer a diamond necklace; Jennifer gave Ben a stroke on the head and a Boneo.

Posted: 9th, May 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment

Flood Warning

‘WE’LL all be talking about Jennifer Lopez’s wedding dress for a long time to come, says someone has seen it – which means we’ll probably still be discussing it at her fourth wedding.

Staci denies copying Britney

We’ll probably also still be wondering then whether the on-off relationship between Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears is on or off.

We are none the wiser this week after reading the Enquirer’s report that the former NSYNC star has been dating one of Britney’s friends.

The magazine says Justin and Britney got back together in March – but ‘he just neglected to tell her he was also rocking Staci Flood’s body, too’.

‘Staci has been seeing Justin for months,’ says a source close to Flood. ‘They don’t go out on public dates because she’s not Justin’s girlfriend – she’s his booty call.

‘She’s willing to go along with it. She’s crazy about Justin and she’s sure it’s just a matter of time before she wins him over completely.’

Of course, it is – just as it is only a matter of time before Madonna wins a Best Actress Oscar.

‘She says Justin’s as sexy in bed as he is on the dance floor,’ a pal says.

In other words, a pale (or should that be darker?) imitation of Michael Jackson.

Posted: 9th, May 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment

Elvis Lives

‘THERE is sensation aplenty in Hello!ville as it is reported on the magazine’s front page that Elvis is alive.

‘Daddy’s shadow is awful big…’

To give full throat to the magazine’s headline story, the joyous news reads: ‘Lisa Marie Presley steps out of her father’s shadow.’

To cast a shadow, we can deduce that The Pelvis is a) alive; b) a ghost; or c) lying in state in Lisa’s front room, picked in burger fat and cheese slices.

Whichever it is, given the girth of the singer when he ‘died’ all those years ago, Lisa Marie has done well to battle free of his mighty shadow.

And now breathing the rich oxygen of publicity, Lisa Marie wants to sign about it. And you can hear her do just that on her debut album, To Whom It may Concern.

‘You want to know who I am and what I am,’ says the scion of the Presley clan. ‘It’s in here.’ One imagines she taps the case of her CD as she says this.

‘This is how either crazy I am, deranged or stupid or whatever you want to call it.’ Whatever you call it, do not call it music or talent.

Although the duet with an unnamed man with a familiar voice is a pleasant enough tune…

Posted: 9th, May 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment

So Solod Crew

‘XENIA Gorbachev has much to thank her dear old grandfather Mikhail for.

‘And then this pigeon…’

If it weren’t for him, her wedding to Kirill Solod would have been a date with pickled herring (both kinds), vodka that guarantees to get guests blind, drunk or blind-drunk and as much salt as you can eat.

But Russia is not what it once was and the wedding celebrations included the trappings that have made the West the decadent place it is today.

There was a ‘towing wedding cake’, fresh berries (canned 2001!), and other delicious treats served up by ‘the most exclusive catering service in Moscow’.

It had it all.

All that’s left to do is to wish the happy couple the very best of what the free market and capitalism have to offer – namely, a speedy divorce and a chance to sell their stories of what went wrong for a shed-load of money.

Posted: 9th, May 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment

Mumba One

‘FAME is a cruel mistress. How was Samantha Mumba to know that after meeting and talking about marriage and kids with boyfriend Mark Henderson (known later in the piece as Mark O’Connor) she would make it big?

‘Anyone remember my boyfriend’s name?’

Samantha is seen on her ‘homecoming’ trip to Zambia in her role as ambassador for UINICEF. She poses with the locals in her father’s homeland, getting them to look so happy that they might just burst.

But it is the shot of she with Mark that really raises an eyebrow.

To be blunt, Mark is normal. Not normal in a refreshing way, but normal in a way that says: ‘What’s she doing with him?’

Is this cruel? You betcha, but this is fame and it is hurtful, painful stuff.

As for Mark, we only hope he takes care not to get eaten alive in the game reserve he is pictured visiting – or in the Hollywood Hills, where the plain and ordinary are sucked up and spat out like so much dust…

Posted: 9th, May 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment

Livin’ Doll

‘HE’S got himself a cryin’, talkin’, sleepin’, walkin’, livin’ doll. He’s gotta do his best to please her, just cos she’s a livin’ doll.

”I’ll never lay my hands on another woman again”

He’s got a rovin’ eye and that is why she satisfies his soul. He’s got the one and only walkin’, talkin’, livin’ doll.

Take a look at her hair, it’s almost real, highlighted to blonde perfection, to match, er, his.

But he doesn’t have to lock her up a trunk so no big hunk can steal her away, because he’s Darren Day and she’s Adele Vellacott…and they are in love.

She makes Darren feel like a man, and the day he met Adele he knew he was the winner. ”We should be together,” said Darren in not so many words, and she agreed.

And looking at the two of them cuddled up close in the garden, on the sofa, on the bed, on the steps, on a pile of wood, by a window, back on the bed, by a pile of wood and by a wooden door, it is clear that some people are born for each other.

They love to walk holding the other one’s hand. They always understand. She knows that although he missed her nights, and she missed him day, he would return from his televised Australian adventure to be once more her little bitty pretty one.

”You’re my love,” says he with his eyes. ”You’re my angel. You’re the girl of my dreams. And I’d like to thank you for waiting patiently.”

Nice, and totally original. But let’s not intrude a moment longer, and simply say congratulations and celebrations to the bachelor boy, a misunderstood man, and his devilish woman, for whom life is one long Cliff Richard song.

Posted: 23rd, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

The Fat Of The Land

‘IT’S a little known fact that in Australia all the best pineapples and lemons are exported, leaving the locals to feast on a misshapen mush of unappealing failures while we happy foreigners dine on perfection.

Jono tried in vain to shift 8st of unwanted flesh

And as it is for fruit so it is for celebrities, and while Paul Hogan and Mad Chopper Matthews and his Performing Deckchair wow them in Sydney, we lucky Brits get Holly Vallance and Jono Coleman.

But since Holly’s mother was born in Southampton, we are only getting back what is rightfully ours. So when Holly says ”I do feel like England is my home now”, we know she means it.

Which just leaves Jono Coleman to fly the flag for the brothers and sisters Down Under. And if Jono uses his T-short we might all be covered in an infectious swathe of blue – because Jono is a huge star in the mould Vanessa Feltz.

Jono is fat. So fat is he that he is now famous for being fat. And that means he gets to go to ”Celebrity Fit Club” (some typo surely) and get in shape with the likes of Coleen Nolan, Ian McCaskill, Rik Waller and MP Ann Widdecombe (a sure portent that the end of the world is nigh).

Lining up shortest at the front, tallest at the back, the gang resemble a set of Russian dolls, each one capable of being swallowed whole by the one behind.

But on the command ”split”, the group get in formation. Jono goes wild and puts his hands on his hips, breathes in and out.

The rest just look on in awe, happy to be in the same shot as what is truly an immense talent.

Posted: 23rd, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

Rock The Kass Bah

‘HANDS up all of you who went to the Elvis Does Vegas party at the Kass Bah? So that’s everyone.

”Know who I am yet?

But since you all went in costume it is hard to see who is under all that makeup and strap-on hair.

At a push, we’d say that the painted boiled egg over there is Tamara Beckwith.

And unless we are very much mistaken (and, boy, are we never make mishtakes), that’s Kelly McGiness, head of production at Fox, although it could be Elizabeth Turner, who temps at Sky? Hmmm, they do look sooo alike.

And hello dear, dear Slim Jim Phantom and if it isn’t our old mate Peter Golding.

And, wotcha, Barbara Machen, looking wonderful as ever. You must agree that that is one girl who knows she got style.

And who’s that fat lad at the back, the one eating all the cheeseburgers and saying how he used to be famous?

Of course, it’s Jono Coleman. Great. And if you want to know who else was there, look in the phone book under Z.

Posted: 23rd, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

The Sting

‘HOW do you say ”I love you”? If you’re a hip and with it young thing, you say it in a text message: ”I LV U.”

”Ooooh! My ring!”

If you’ve just had a Botox injection, you will have enrolled on the post-theatre sign language course and be able to point to yourself, then your heart before finally opening your hands palms up to the world.

And if you’re a Hollywood star you buy the object of your admiration a rock the size of Gibraltar.

That’s what Antonio Banderas did to show his affection for Melanie Griffith. But it ended in high drama when the ”gum-drop”-sized gem in her ring came unstuck from its setting.

”OHMIGOD,” screamed Melanie as she realised that the stone had gone, leaving behind the superglue and foil casing.

Melanie’s cry of anguish was heard by Sting, who stopped the concert he was giving, ordered the lights to go on and began a mass hunt for the gem.

”Finders keepers, losers weepers,” sang Sting to the tune to Don’t Stand So Close To Me as the on-stage troupe and guests at the concert in Cannes went hunting.

But the ring was gone. And so soon was Melanie, in floods of tears.

Meanwhile back in the hall, the lighters that light up the life of all gigs for the middle-aged music brigade were still switched on. And Sting played on.

Posted: 19th, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

Diamonds Are Forever

‘BUT the Enquirer has news to gladden Melanie’s heart as it unveils a seven stone diamond and gold eternity ring.

It says it all

This ring really is for keeps, and who wouldn’t want to stare in awe at the amazing jewel-like stones until cataracts turn the thing into a blur of yellow metal and glass.

And the even better news is that the ring is now on special offer, slashed in price to a remarkable £199.50, or £39.90 a month for resting actors.

Gorgeous is not a word we use lightly, so we won’t use it now. But rather we’ll wait until she buys something for him. And as if my magic, there it is: the gentleman’s platinum ingot watch.

Imagine an entire ingot of precious metal strapped to your wrist that not only builds the muscles in your forearms to a Van Damme-esque 17 inches in the round but also tells the time accurately at least twice EVERY day.

And you’d best hurry because this offer only lasts until 20th October, 2000, which in the romantic world of Hollywood is two engagements, three marriages and a pregnancy away.

Posted: 19th, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

Maid For Pleasure

‘BUT what if your love knows no price? Well, then you look for other ways to show your love for your other half.

Cooks, cleans, irons. Maid’s uniform optional. $5/hr

You could do what Mike Myers did and wipe your computer’s hard drive of the mountains of porn that seem to have infected it.

”I’ve been spammed,” said Myers by way of defence as wife Robin breezed into his computer den.

But if erasing your valued collection of adult erotica is not for you, how about inviting your paramour into your perverted world?

Kinky sex is best when it’s backed with love, and it’s working for J-Lo and her current man tied to the bed with a nappy on his head, Ben Affleck.

Reports in the Enquirer say that J-Lo and Ben like nothing more than playing maid-and-master sex games.

Which role goes to whom is not revealed, but rumours abound that to get in part, Ben has been hiring himself out as a $5-an-hour cleaner.

Those lucky enough to hire kinky Ben are advised to make him use his own rubber gloves and keep him well away from the Hoover. And if you don’t, on your head be it.

Posted: 19th, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

Tara Gets It Off Her Chest

‘RANK the following three objects in order of usefulness: 1) A chocolate tea-pot; 2) An ashtray on a motorbike; 3) Tara Palmer-Tomkinson’s bikini top.

”See – nothing!”

A pat on the back for all those who came up with the right answer 1-2-3, except of course those of you who are doing this test under the Oxford & Cambridge Board supervision – it doesn’t matter what you put, you’re still wrong.

This week, Hello! has plenty of pictures of the world’s most redundant object being modelled by the world’ second most redundant object, as Tara opens up her heart to Hello! and cashes in on the short-lived fame following her appearance on I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here!

Surely, one thinks, the girl who put the I into ‘It girl’ would be only too keen to forget the tears and the tantrums in the Aussie jungle.

Far from it – she rates coming second in the TV gameshow as ”the first time in my life I’ve ever felt proud of something I’ve done”.

”My sister was head of school,” she explains, ”my brother got straight As [in the days when straight As still meant something], while I was blackboard wiper and then the black sheep.”

No longer – as the other P-Ts carve out successful careers and fulfilled lives for themselves, how they must glance enviously over at their sister and recall that it was her, not them, who came second in I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here!

But what of Darren Day, the man who accused Tara of sexually harassing him?

”If he called me tomorrow and suggested we meet up, I would decline,” says our strong-willed heroine. ”I could never be friends with someone who has lied to me. If he’d won, I’d have lost faith in the entire British public.” Us too, Tara. Us too.

However, Tara’s lowest ebb came when Nigel Benn was voted off the show.

”I felt like someone with broken legs who’s had their crutches taken away,” she reveals. ”I got into my sleeping bag and just cried and cried. I felt like a lemon with all the zest squeezed out of me.”

But judging from the spread in this week’s Hello!, we are happy to report that Tara is back to her zesty best.

So, how did Tara get through the terrible ordeal? By ”praying every night in the privacy of the camp’s makeshift lavatory”.

God may move in mysterious ways, but Tara, it appears, is as regular as clockwork.

Posted: 19th, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

Would You Adam ‘N’ Eve It?

‘WHO’S that giving Hello! a revealing interview ”about marriage, compromises and the dramas of shooting their film”?

”Lawks, me Brad Pitts are spillin’ out”

Why, if it isn’t Guy Ritchie and his trouble and strife, Madonna.

Cor blimey, guv’nor, it looks like they’ve been avin’ a Leo Sayer in the battle cruiser. Madonna’s so Schindler’s, she can’t even Hackney Grand – what a two ‘n’ eight, innit.

So what’s the Jackanory? Turns out Guy’s been watchin’ the old ball ‘n’ chain avin’ a Melvyn Bragg with some uvver geezer. But only dahn the dolly mixtures. Lor luv’a duck!

Wot’s that? Guy’s in the Christopher Hitchen, sortin’ out some Bernhard Langers for the bin lids. Turns out he’s a bit nifty with the old Count Dracula.

Wot a Charlie Ronce, innit!

Posted: 19th, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment