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Reviews | Anorak - Part 673

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We don’t just report off-beat news, breaking news and digest the best and worst of the news media analysis and commentary. We give an original take on what happened and why. We add lols, satire, news photos and original content.

Trude Awakening

‘TO paraphrase Leo Tolstoy: All cute babies are alike; all ugly babies are ugly in their own way.

Dad

And they don’t come much uglier than the little bundle of joy that ”celebrity vet” Trude Mostue and fiancé Howard Thomas have produced.

To be fair to Trude, it is not entirely her fault – but let this be a lesson to all you women out there. If you are going to have a baby with a bald bloke, check his baby photos for the dreaded ginger first.

Trude didn’t – and look at little Froya Molly now. Even Hello! cannot manage a ”cute”, still less a ”beautiful”, about the two-month-old.

But we’re sure she will grow up to be a fine, upstanding member of the community and stick her arms up cow’s arses just like her mum.

Posted: 19th, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Who would have Gest it?

‘WHEN Liza Minelli walked down the aisle with 113th husband David Gest in March, she looked (in the estimation of no lesser authority than the National Enquirer) ”radiant”. And the magazine has a picture of the diva with her mouth closed to prove it.

The cracks were beginning to show as long ago as March

But such has been her gruelling schedule since her nuptials that photographs show a completely different Liza. The first thing to strike you is that Liza now has her mouth open – a clear sign that the strain is taking its toll.

The second thing that is apparent is the legend ”…and the strain is taking its toll” – also recognised as an early sign of stress.

The third thing that keen-eyed observers will notice – and this is the clincher – is the caption. Where Liza had been radiant as recently as July, she is now stressed-out – and that can only mean that she is already fighting to save her six-month marriage.

The Enquirer puts on its poshest frock and books the table next door to Liza at a New York restaurant to eavesdrop on her conversation with one of her husband’s friends.

What followed can only be described as a bitter ”spat” which ended with Liza leaving in tears and with her mouth well and truly open.

But amazingly (and despite this public row between Liza and an unnamed person) friends suggest the marriage can be rescued.

”There was a kiss and make up scene between Liza and David that very night,” a friend says, although without specifying which one was doing the kissing and which one was wearing the make-up.

”All David has to do to keep Liza happy is cut her a break and stop running her like a racehorse.” It sounds so simple…

Posted: 17th, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Green-Eyed Monster

‘IF only it were that easy for Brad Pitt to keep Jennifer Aniston happy. The Enquirer reports on the ”cheating secret” that is wrecking the Hollywood golden couple’s wedding.

Brad took to wearing a false beard to escape his wife

Not ”secret cheating” you notice, but ”cheating secret” – and the secret is that Jenneifer doesn’t want her husband to cheat on her.

At one point, she went as far as declaring: ”I’m frightened of infidelity.”

Little wonder, therefore, that Brad has just about had enough of all this nagging.

On one occasion, his wife even flew to a movie set where he was filming, so consuming is her fear.

She has been known to hold his hand in public and sometimes even link arms to prevent him from running off with the first woman he meets.

When they are at home together, Jennifer insists on sleeping in the same bed as her husband so she can check up on him throughout the night.

A source close to the couple tells the Enquirer: ”Everyone can see that Brad adores Jennifer – everyone but her. Having to constantly reassure Jennifer is starting to annoy him.” We don’t blame him.

Posted: 17th, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Not Hugh Again

‘WE are sad to report that Hugh Grant is up to his old tricks again, creating further work for the law enforcement establishment on the other side of the Atlantic.

Crime has become something of a way of life for Grant

Grant, you may recall, was arrested in Los Angeles in 1995 after being found in a car with prostitute, Divine Brown.

Well, the star of Four Weddings And A Funeral and Notting Hill is a one-man crime wave, although on this occasion he is running amok on the East Coast.

The Enquirer snaps Grant sauntering down a New York street with what looks suspiciously like a half-drunk bottle of Heineken in his left hand.

It is, of course, illegal to drink alcohol on the streets of the Big Apple.

Let’s hope the cops throw the book at him this time.

Posted: 17th, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Star Quality

‘WHEN ”The Star” (aka Jade Goody, former Big Brother nutcase) visited Chessington World of Adventures recently, OK! magazine was on hand to record the event for posterity – or prosperity as The Star would no doubt put it.

Davina is bowled over by The Star

And prosperity would be an apt word to use in conjunction with The Star, for OK! says that since she left the Big Brother house, the money has been rolling in.

Meanwhile, the other sort of pounds have been rolling off, as befits a modern celebrity.

”The Star has said she’s made a concerted effort to shed a few pounds,” says the magazine approvingly, and notes that she eschewed the fast food on offer at the fairground.

”Instead she bought a toy caterpillar,” the article explains, although it does not indicate whether this was for personal consumption.

There will be speculation of course, but that’s just par for the course for The Star, who is used to having her life picked to pieces by the press.

She’ll take it in her stride, for, as OK! explains, she’s coped with her fame ”with restraint and maturity so far”. We expect nothing less of her.

Posted: 17th, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Marks And Spencer’s Pants

‘ANORAK has no axe to grind with Marks and Spencer. Since the launch of our Comfi-Slax range of elasticated trousers for the fuller figure, we have had to endure a constant stream of carping and criticism from the troubled high street retailer, but we have never once felt the need to respond.

Proud to endorse Anorak’s Comfi-Slax range

We prefer to let our product do the talking – and judging by our sales figures, the public certainly seems to be listening.

Now our would-be rivals are resorting to desperate measures, and have brought in David Beckham to front their latest desperate attempt to make an impression on the men’s clothing market.

OK! is doing its bit, with a helpful two-page feature on the launch of Beckham’s DB07 range of cardigans, slippers and – yes, you guessed – adjustable leisure slacks.

”I wanted to create clothes that are different from what you normally expect to see at the store,” explains David, whose role is described as ”hands-on”.

We wish him well of course, and remind readers once again that our new range of gabardine winter wear – as approved by Manchester United ace Sir Bobby Charlton – is available now at very reasonable prices.

Posted: 17th, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Too Much Information

‘HAVE you ever wondered whether Linda Barker is a bath or a shower person? Of course you have. And now, here’s OK! to provide the eagerly awaited answer.

Linda wonders what shade of eyeliner to put on

”Are you a bath or shower person?” it asks, bold as brass. And the ”beautiful ‘House Invaders’ star” doesn’t duck the question.

”I usually opt for a shower because of the time factor,” she replies, ”but when I can I love to take a long bath with scented oils and candles.

”My bathroom is pretty fabulous – I’ve got a huge oval bath, bang in the middle of the room, with Jacuzzi jets, and, once you’re in it, you don’t want to come out again.”

There’s more, but we must press on. ”Do you spend time on your nails?” asks the magazine, with a hint of implied criticism.

”I wish!” retorts Linda. ”They’re shocking, but it’s impossible to keep them looking nice when I’m working with hammers, nail guns, and jigsaws, which are all terrible for the nails.”

But elsewhere the report is more favourable. She ”likes being tall” and finds that her visits to Charles Worthington’s hair salon in Percy Street are ”a real pleasure”.

She has ”no problem” with plastic surgery either – ”if you feel you need it”, that is. Not that she does, of course.

”I’m more aware of my lines than I used to be,” she admits, ”but they don’t bother me at the moment.”

Nor should her legions of admirers be too concerned either, for she reassures us that if it gets to the point where the wrinkles do become a problem, then she ”might do something about it”.

Comforting words, we’re sure you will agree.

Posted: 17th, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Bums On Seats

‘WELL, Hello! It’s our old friends Edward and Sophie Wessex, caught on camera (by the paparazzi, not CCTV) as the ”celebrate religious diversity at the Jain Temple in Leicester”.

Massive crowds await the arrival of Edward and Sophie

In a week that Hello! is careful to remind us was ”packed with royal appointments”, the royal couple travelled specially to Leicester in order to visit the religion’s only fully consecrated church in Europe.

By ”a happy coincidence” the visit took place on the first day of the Jain Festival of Forgiveness.

And, although Edward and Sophie obviously don’t need to be forgiven for anything, it was indeed a happy coincidence, because their arrival brought huge crowds of people to the temple, and thus helped swell the numbers for what Hello! describes as ”the holiest of times in the religion’s calendar”.

It’s the same effect we have seen time and again at cup finals and other sporting events. Get yourself a royal and you’ve got yourself a crowd. And they do it all gratis, without a thought for themselves.

God bless ’em. They do a marvellous job.

Posted: 11th, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Harry’s Game

‘EXCUSE us while we let out a low whistle. Who’s the hunk? Prince Harry, that’s who! In a red-and-blue polo jersey and red-and-blue face to match, he’s a sight for sore eyes and no mistake.

He’s the spitting image of his mum

Hello! reminds us that the ginger prince is a bit of a joker, and that Diana used to say ”Harry’s like me – always in trouble!”

He once pretended to swallow a goldfish at Tiggy Legge-Bourke’s wedding, and then there was the time he experimented with soft drugs – before seeing the error of his ways and switching to crack cocaine.

But there’s the other side, too, like his decision to donate his pure blue blood to the mobile Blood Donor van that visited Eton, or the way he queued up for a hot dog and cola at a recent polo match, and then paid in cash.

Whatever amazing new thing he does, he’s always in the headlines, but, like his late great-grandmother, he always makes it look so easy. And that’s not all.

”With his mother’s wicked sense of humour and that boyish grin, Harry is shaping up to rival Prince William as the new royal heartthrob,” promises Hello! And there’s not a red-blooded man among us who would disagree.

Posted: 11th, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Old Friends

‘DON’T know about you, but we find ourselves getting more and more concerned by what we find in Hello! these days.

On a clear day you can see the refugees getting off the boat

Frankly we’ve never heard of half of them, and when one asks them who their people are, they give you the name of an agent or a PR girl. So it’s good to see some familiar faces this week.

Look, there’s John and Anthea Warde, revealing ”the truth behind their charmed life at Squerryes Court”, Kent. This should be interesting.

”I suppose sometimes visitors see me sitting here and imagine that I lead some sort of charmed life,” muses Anthea, ”but the reality – as with all these privately-owned and lived-in family seats – is somewhat different.” How true.

Indeed, it transpires that she tackles most of the domestic duties herself, with the assistance of a gardener and a part-time help, who is of course ”marvellous”.

We are then taken on a tour of the house in all its splendours, the highpoint of which is the Picture Gallery with its masterpieces by Rubens and Van Dyck, and what looks like a Tracey Emin creation, but which turns out to be a pile of laundry that Anthea hasn’t yet got around to.

”Only the distant rumble of traffic on the M25 is a constant reminder that Westerham is no longer the quiet backwater that it once was.”

That, and the sound of gunshots as the drug dealers, gangsters and refugee-smugglers of this historic county go about their traditional way of life.

Posted: 11th, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Farewell, Kate

‘AAAAHHHHH!!!! Sorry, readers, but ever since OK! began to insert its Hot Stars section into the middle of the magazine proper, the pages routinely flop open on some less than lovely things.

The Undead

You might bury David Gest and Liza Minelli (and looking at him, it seems someone has tried) but they can pop up and shock us with no warning.

But we’ve quickly turned the page, and having gazed at a shot of Gareth Gates in Paris with win-a-date winner Alicia Cunliffe, we’re now feeling balanced and able to go on.

And we do exactly that until we come to Kate Lawler. Make that Kate Lawler, Emma Chard and Jo Oates. Like an Atomic Kitten tribute band, Kate and her equally dark-rooted blonde pals offer the world their best sides as they welcome OK! aboard a boat.

And, no, although Kate has made many millions from her Big Brother win and is friends with the mega-famous Duncan from Blue, the yacht is only a loan, and after the high fun on the high seas are over, she has to give it back.

But not before she and her crew have strapped on some shorts with the word ”Hot Shots” written on the back. And Kate has pulled on some other shorts with ”Soccer Stars” written on the front.

And then she tells the world that someone called Spencer, with whom she has a ”brother-sister thing going on” (Kate: ”I really fancy him and always have done”), calls her ”Buttmonkey”.

Which is Spencer’s way of ”being totally horrible to me in the nicest way possible”. Which is not even trying. How about just ignoring you. Let’s see if we can all do that…

Posted: 10th, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Get Ahead, Get A Bump

‘WITH the world set to end at any minute, there are at least five people out there who have yet to wear the cloak of celebrity.

Vanessa had a big bump long before it was fashionable

It’s an outrage, we agree, but if any of those poor forgotten few are listening and are able, they should get along to the sperm bank and make a withdrawal.

Because it’s a” Celebrity Baby Boom”, and if you haven’t got a designer bump, then you, dear friend, are not in the club.

And what a club it is! There’s Sadie Frost, with her tummy hanging out the bottom of her T-shirt. And why if it isn’t Sarah Jessica Parker walking in New York with her latest must-have accessory.

And Sharleen Spiteri is not just big in Glasgow but is equally rotund in London and pretty much everywhere else she dares to go. And who could fail to recognise Natasha, er, thingymabob from Atomic Kitten?

Look, there’s good old Natalie doing the thing with Francis de la Tour and the other member of Atomic Kitten.

So come on, girls, get out there and get pregnant. And if you can’t find a willing man, have a word with Darren Day’s agent.

Posted: 10th, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


On The Homefront

‘ONE man who already has children who call him dad is Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen.

Anyone would be proud to call Laurence ”dad”

No, it’s true, and to prove it OK! has been along to see the little loves actually admit on camera that Laurence is their papa.

For the occasion, Laurence dresses in refreshing white, and then wears a pink and blue shirt to dance and skip on the sands near his Cornish cottage, where he lives with his wife.

Yes, wife, as in woman who has his children. And there she is, snuggling up to her man. And then they’re off, to clamber aboard Laurence’s boat, The Geisha Boy.

But soon it’s back to an evening round the fire, while she reads stories and Laurence prepares for his show, Homefront. Which is something we couldn’t make up…

Posted: 10th, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Farewell, Kate

‘AAAAHHHHH!!!! Sorry, readers, but ever since OK! began to insert its Hot Stars section into the middle of the magazine proper, the pages routinely flop open on some less than lovely things.

The Undead

You might bury David Gest and Liza Minelli (and looking at him, it seems someone has tried) but they can pop up and shock us with no warning.

But we’ve quickly turned the page, and having gazed at a shot of Gareth Gates in Paris with win-a-date winner Alicia Cunliffe, we’re now feeling balanced and able to go on.

And we do exactly that until we come to Kate Lawler. Make that Kate Lawler, Emma Chard and Jo Oates. Like an Atomic Kitten tribute band, Kate and her equally dark-rooted blonde pals offer the world their best sides as they welcome OK! aboard a boat.

And, no, although Kate has made many millions from her Big Brother win and is friends with the mega-famous Duncan from Blue, the yacht is only a loan, and after the high fun on the high seas are over, she has to give it back.

But not before she and her crew have strapped on some shorts with the word ”Hot Shots” written on the back. And Kate has pulled on some other shorts with ”Soccer Stars” written on the front.

And then she tells the world that someone called Spencer, with whom she has a ”brother-sister thing going on” (Kate: ”I really fancy him and always have done”), calls her ”Buttmonkey”.

Which is Spencer’s way of ”being totally horrible to me in the nicest way possible”. Which is not even trying. How about just ignoring you. Let’s see if we can all do that…

Posted: 9th, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Get Ahead, Get A Bump

‘WITH the world set to end at any minute, there are at least five people out there who have yet to wear the cloak of celebrity.

Vanessa had a big bump long before it was fashionable

It’s an outrage, we agree, but if any of those poor forgotten few are listening and are able, they should get along to the sperm bank and make a withdrawal.

Because it’s a” Celebrity Baby Boom”, and if you haven’t got a designer bump, then you, dear friend, are not in the club.

And what a club it is! There’s Sadie Frost, with her tummy hanging out the bottom of her T-shirt. And why if it isn’t Sarah Jessica Parker walking in New York with her latest must-have accessory.

And Sharleen Spiteri is not just big in Glasgow but is equally rotund in London and pretty much everywhere else she dares to go. And who could fail to recognise Natasha, er, thingymabob from Atomic Kitten?

Look, there’s good old Natalie doing the thing with Francis de la Tour and the other member of Atomic Kitten.

So come on, girls, get out there and get pregnant. And if you can’t find a willing man, have a word with Darren Day’s agent.

Posted: 9th, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


On The Homefront

‘ONE man who already has children who call him dad is Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen.

Anyone would be proud to call Laurence ”dad”

No, it’s true, and to prove it OK! has been along to see the little loves actually admit on camera that Laurence is their papa.

For the occasion, Laurence dresses in refreshing white, and then wears a pink and blue shirt to dance and skip on the sands near his Cornish cottage, where he lives with his wife.

Yes, wife, as in woman who has his children. And there she is, snuggling up to her man. And then they’re off, to clamber aboard Laurence’s boat, The Geisha Boy.

But soon it’s back to an evening round the fire, while she reads stories and Laurence prepares for his show, Homefront. Which is something we couldn’t make up…

Posted: 9th, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Oprah’s Bigger Than Ever

‘PHEW! This week’s (pant) celebrity issue of National Enquirer is (woo) a really heavy (puff) read. But we’ve made it back from the newsagents at no more expense to you, but at great cost to our backs, to tell you what’s what.

A river runs through it

And what’s a lot of what is that Oprah Winfrey has just hit the scales at a ”deadly” 19 stone. In American that’s 278 lbs, and in anyone’s language, that’s big.

And the Enquirer had the pictures to prove it. Oprah’s face is seen as ”puffy and full of ripples”, which makes for an interesting, calming effect when she moves but a less than beautiful mug shot.

But Oprah is battling to put the weight behind her (that which is not already there on her burgeoning backside) and has taken to jogging.

Perhaps as she moves, make that ripples, through the Hawaiian paradise she could spur herself on by telling herself that her ass is after her.

”Got to get away from the ass,” pants Oprah as she pushes herself a yard further into her fitness regime. ”The ass is gonna get me. Must…escape…the…ass…”

But the head that’s straining to move as far away from her relentless posterior as possible has changed so much that it might not in fact be Oprah Winfrey but someone else.

”Her face is swollen nearly beyond recognition,” says an ”inside source”. ”The flesh is bumpy with peaks and valleys.”

And no doubt has a river of sweat meandering thought it at the merest whiff of exercise.

But let’s do what her ass is doing and get behind Oprah. You can do it, girl, and if you can’t, your face sounds like an ideal place for a hike.

Posted: 5th, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Butt And Ben

‘BUT back to bums, and so to the wedding of Jennifer Lopez and…Ben Affleck.

J-Lo cursed the day she started wearing padded knickers

Yes, that’s right, J-Lo has married again, just after her marriage to Cris Judd has ended. And the Enquirer was there to see the ”fairytale wedding”.

And all the usual suspects are on show. There are the ugly sisters, Leslie and Lynda, who made up two parts of the six-strong bridesmaid cheer team.

And there’s Matt ”Peter Pan” Damon on hand to give a best man’s speech and slap his thigh and shout ”Hurrah! at the top of his voice.

And… Oh, we’re halfway down the story and now the Enquirer tells us that Ben and Jen are only ”planning” to get married.

She’s not yet divorced from Cris Judd and any wedding can’t take place until the divorce is final, and that’s not until early next year.

And those guests are only in waiting and the likes of Elton John, Stevie Wonder, Ricky Martin and more are on the list but not yet in receipt of an invite.

Which gives plenty of time for Cinders to lose her shoes to another man.

Posted: 5th, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


What A Pair!

‘BUT there was one wedding in town, and that was the matrimonial joining of ”Baywatch beauty” Yasmine Bleeth and ”Detroit club owner” Paul Cerrito.

Yasmine shows off her wedding dress

It was romance, romance, romance as the ”romantic” couple were ”transported” in a golf cart from the ceremony to their reception at the Bacara resort and Spa in Santa Barbara, California.

”Yasmine’s dress was breathtaking,” says one guest. ”Her hair was swept up into a gorgeous bun with an attached veil.”

And the sensations didn’t end there, as moments before the ceremony stunned guests were served lemonade and Italian soda.

Suitably intoxicated, Yasmine stepped down the aisle, heralded by the sounds of Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game and taking care not to tread on the flower girl who went before her throwing orchid petals in her path.

And in a trice she was at the front, the music had stopped, the judge had said a few words, and Yasmine and Paul were married.

”Yesss! I finally did it,” said Paul in his new wife’s ear, and loud enough so the gusts and the Enquirer’s reporter could hear.

And with that another fairytale came to an end, and another Grimm story began.

Posted: 5th, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Young Fogles

‘KINVARA Balfour is an aristocratic rebel. In the olden days, this normally involved raising an army and picking a fight with the King (or, failing that, another member of the aristocracy), preferably over religion.

Skye: where people go mad

These days, it involves ”baring almost all for a men’s magazine”, being shortlisted for Big Brother, doing a pilot for ”a dreadful TV dating show” and being invited to appear on Blind Date. And Kinvara – daughter of Lady Tessa Fitzalan-Howard (sister of the Duke of Norfolk) and Roddy Balfour (heir apparent to the Earl of Balfour) – has done the lot.

But it is not that, her old career as a freelance (read unemployed) journalist or her new career as an up-and-coming (read unemployed) actress that Hello! is interested in. It is her boyfriend, Castaway heartthrob Oliver Reed. Sorry, wrong Castaway. Actually, Kinvara is dating Ben Fogle, he of the Arran jumpers, Labrador dog and ‘Why can’t you go out with a boy like that, darling?’ manner.

Not just dating, she is in love and has been ever since their first date at 192 in Notting Hill. ”We sat down at 8pm and at 2am the waitress came to say ‘Sorry, it’s time to close’,” she tells Hello! ”We’ve been together ever since.” So how did Ben feel about Kinvara running off with the waitress? What? It’s Ben and Kinvara who are still together? Okay, now we understand.

”People think we spend our lives going to rent-a-crowd parties but that’s simply not what Ben and I do,” says Kinvara (clearly under the mistaken impression that anyone devotes a second’s thought to what her and Ben do). Okay, so now we’re curious. What do Ben and Kinvara do? ”We do mad things.” Of course, you do. But just how mad? Give us an example.

”To welcome in the New Year, we went to Skye and rented a cottage for ten days and just read books and made bread and took Inca [the Labrador] for walks,” Kinvara explains. ”There was no TV, no phone, no papers…and it was a lot of fun.” Wow, you kids, you’re just mad with a capital B-O-N-K-E-R-S.

Posted: 4th, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Hello! And Goodbye To Lucy

‘YOU would have thought that madcap Kinvara and just-plain-nice (and there’s nothing wrong with being nice) Ben would have made it onto the cover of this week’s magazine.

Lucy manages to rein in her emotions

But you’d have been wrong. These days, one obscure soap star with no breeding whatsoever can trump generations of the Fitzalan-Howards – and it is Lucy Benjamin, EastEnders’ Lisa, who occupies the prime spot.

Except she is no longer EastEnders’ Lisa because she has been sacked – and what better way to cope with the trauma of being given the boot than to pour your heart out to Hello! In fact, Lucy has been carrying this round as a secret for the past two months, but the sight of Hello!’s proffered cheque book was enough to persuade her to unburden herself.

”It felt like I’d been punched in the stomach,” she says. ”I just sat there just trying to concentrate on not crying. I could feel my chin wobbling a bit and I sat there thinking to myself, ‘This is just a job, be brave, it’s fine, take it on the chin’.” But her chin was wobbling so much, this proved easier said than done and she ended up sobbing in the arms of on-screen boyfriend Steve McFadden.

But all is not lost – once a year, there is always pantomime and Lucy (one of the country’s most talented actresses) has already signed up to play Cinderella in Tunbridge Wells (book early to avoid disappointment). And, as her brother Ben said when Lucy told him she was leaving the BBC soap, ”Thank God for that, you might get sane now”.

The world really doesn’t have room for all these mad, mad people.

Posted: 4th, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


State Of The Union

‘AND you can bet it’s mad, mad, mad behind the scenes at Popstars: The Rivals, which is where Hello! is rummaging around this week. Maddest of all is that ”pop icon” Geri Halliwell, one of the judges of the show, is turning into Dougal The Dog from The Magic Roundabout.

Will the flag ever again run up the flagpole that is Geri?

But even madder than that – and we’re so mad here at Anorak that we can be madder than mad – are the people auditioning. Like Essex-based Sarah Besley, who burst into the auditions wearing a Union Jack dress a la Ginger Spice. ”Geri is my idol,” she explained. ”It was my mum’s idea and I had to do something to get Geri’s attention.”

Flashing her breasts always worked for your idol, but we find the best way to get Geri’s attention these days is simply to whistle.’

Posted: 4th, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Baby Talk

‘ELIZABETH Hurley may be using the tabloids as a platform for her law-and-order demands – more bobbies on the beat, etc – but when it comes to OK! she has a different agenda.

”Damn! I can’t get enough of this Cow & Gate stuff”

And fortunately for the magazine, this agenda fits in nicely with its own obsession: babies.

”I love ironing romper suits,” she trills. ”I didn’t even know I had an iron!”

And that’s not all. ”I didn’t know I liked changing nappies,” she continues, referring presumably to those worn by her four-month-old son Damian.

”I love sterilising bottles. It’s a remarkable feeling. I love it. All I want to talk about is my baby.”

And even Matthew Perry is talking about him too. Hurley’s Serving Sara co-star ”responded with wit worthy of his alter ego, Chandler Bing” to rumours that he is the father of Hurley’s pride and joy.

”I must be pretty good to get a woman pregnant without sleeping with her,” he laughed. Or without her noticing.

Posted: 3rd, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Virgin On The Ridiculous

‘THE legend of Queen Britney continues to unravel. ”Who cares if I had sex? It’s nobody’s business,” says the former cheerleader for celibacy.

”Sex and drugs and rock ‘n’ roll…”

Nor does her parents’ divorce seem to have upset the famous role model, who describes it as ”the best thing that ever happened to my family”.

She also admits to smoking and drinking – having repeatedly cautioned her fans to abstain from both vices.

Then there was the Mexico City incident, when Britney gave the audience at her concert what appeared to be an obscene gesture and abandoned the stage during a thunderstorm.

Recent press stories have alleged that the real reason for her departure was a diarrhoea attack caused by excessive use of laxatives for slimming purposes, but OK! makes no mention of it. Or does it?

”Britney refuses to surrender her throne,” it states in uncharacteristically gnomic fashion.

Posted: 3rd, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Bangers And Mash

”’CAR-MAD David Beckham has just added another top-of-the range model to his collection,” gushes OK!

”And I think one of these would like nice in your drive, Mr Beckham…”

”The new supercharged Ford Harley-Davidson F-150 pickup truck joins the likes of his Mercedes-Benz, two Ferraris and his beloved Bentley Arnage.”

Apparently, Beckham told staff at Old Trafford that the left-hand-drive truck was built for ”stylish utility” rather than extravagance.

OK! reports that Manchester City’s Nicolas Anelka has bought a black Cadillac Escalade similar to Beckham’s truck, while David’s new team-mate Rio Ferdinand prefers a ”gleaming” Aston Martin Vanquish.

All very interesting, to be sure. But of Roy Keane’s latest purchase – half a dozen top-of-the-range Centurions with 105mm L7A2 guns – there is strangely no mention.

Posted: 3rd, September 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment