Reviews | Anorak - Part 674

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Cheesed Off

‘THE WORLD’S richest vagrant is getting it in the neck again from the Enquirer.

”Would you like cheese with that, sir?”

We have noted before how Brad Pitt’s appearance increasingly resembles that of a down-and-out ”street person”. Now the fragrant Jennifer Aniston is getting in his face – or at least, she would be if she could reach it through his beard.

The beard is described as ”horrible” by an ”eyewitness”, and we have no reason to doubt them. ”Jennifer can’t stand the face fur,” says a ”friend”. ”It irritates her skin when they make love.”

He has other faults, too, such as dressing in the same clothes day after day, which offends Aniston, ”a clean-freak who loves to take scented baths”. Lately she has been encouraging Brad to take them with her, apparently.

Then there is Brad’s fondness for pigging out on junk food like Taco Bell, Domino’s Pizza, Twizzlers, Frosted Flakes, Mountain Dew, ice cream, and of course beer (eight Ace, presumably).

But it is in this respect that the beard comes in handy for Jen. She has put Brad on a low-fat diet, so when he came home one night with ”some strange guck stuck to his beard” she was able to examine it with a magnifying glass and had no trouble detecting the tell-tale signs of burrito bingeing.

”That’s Taco Bell CHEESE!” she shrieked triumphantly (according to Lycia Naff’s forensically researched column). ”Well, from now on your beard will be my diet police. I’ll always know when you’re cheating on me!”

Cheating on Jennifer Aniston with a burrito? How low can a man go?

Posted: 30th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

Bam Ham Slam – Thank You, Ma’am

‘BRAD should take a leaf out of Sly Stallone’s book – now there’s a guy who knows how to please a woman.

Sensitive, articulate, refined

When not beating his meat in an abattoir as Rocky or hiding behind bushes as Rambo, the Italian Stallion was living up to his name in the bedroom of former supermodel Janice Dickinson.

For a start his arms were ”massive – bigger than Christy Turlington’s thighs” (and bigger than Charles Hawtrey’s too, we might add).

Not only that, but he would say ”bam ham slam” after sex – presumably working on lines for his next silver-tongued cinematic role. For he had a winning way with words, despite his rudimentary vocabulary.

”Say nice things about me,” he told her, ”and I’ll say nice things about you.” And she does – in her new book No Lifeguard on Duty: The Accidental Life of the World’s First Supermodel.

Pity Warren Beatty didn’t come to the same arrangement…

Posted: 30th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

Rooms For Rent

”’WANNA SLEEP IN MICK’S BED?” enquires the Enquirer, above a picture of the wrinkly rocker.

Man of mystique with a place on Mustique

Er… not really, no, but what is the relevance of this line of enquiry? It’s news because Old Rubber Lips is renting out his ”fabulous six-bedroom oceanfront villa on the isle of Mustique” for the very reasonable price of between $13,000 and $16,000 a week.

Other stars currently offering their beds are Randy Travis ($9,000 – $12,000), Jane Seymour ($23,000), and Harrison Ford and Sting (no prices provided).

Or for those on a more modest budget, there’s Brad Pitt’s crash pad, at the South Central Homeless Community Center, which is free to all those able to prove hardship.

(NB: beards will be inspected for food particles as part of the rigorous means-testing door policy.) ‘

Posted: 30th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

Her Light Shines On

‘ALTHOUGH she plagued her royal relations when she was alive, in death Diana is the biggest asset the Windsors have, and her influence is still being felt today.

Di’s friends remember her as she would have wanted

”Would the Golden Jubilee have been such an open, inclusive and adventurous series of happenings if it had not been for Diana?” asks Robert Lacey. ”Would we have seen Brian May on the roof of Buckingham Palace or Hell’s Angels in The Mall?”

Such things can only reflect well on the monarchy, and on British society as a whole – and we have Diana to thank for them.

Because, as Mr Lacey writes, ”we finally have a royal family who express their feelings about people, not just horses and royal yachts”.

Their feelings during the Party in the Palace might have been ”Anyone found here past midnight will be shot”, but at least they let the rabble in for a few hours.

Aside from opening up the Windsors’ emotional floodgates, Diana made another vital contribution to the Royal Family, being instrumental in producing its only two vaguely good-looking members.

”Diana’s abiding legacy is there for us all to see – in her sons,” reads Hello!’s headline.

”William and Harry carry with them their mother’s looks, along with aspects of her character and spirit, wherever they go,” writes the BBC’s royal correspondent Jennie Bond.

But there is another – ”unwelcome” – legacy of Diana’s death – Harry’s ”periodic falls from grace”.

”His liking for a few too many drinks and his confession about dabbling in drugs could stem from an adolescence spent without his mother to watch over him.”

And no amount of regal relatives, policemen and bodyguards, crazed female fans or members of the British media can ever watch over him like a mother could.

Posted: 28th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

Pain In The Arse

‘IT’S not every fairytale that ends happily ever after, even if your names aren’t Charles and Diana.

”Ouch! I felt a little prick”

And we should pity poor newlyweds Kym Marsh and Jack Ryder who, Hello! is sorry to tell us, were forced to abandon their honeymoon because of an unexpected drama.

Following the obligatory ”fairytale” nuptials, the pair ”endured a horror honeymoon, forcing them to cut short their holiday by a week”.

Kidnapped from the island of Corfu by a religious extremist group, Lawn Bowlers For Jesus, Kym and Jack were robbed, beaten and had their eyebrows shaved off.

They were then shut in a bar that only served alcopops and had Hear’Say playing on a continuous loop, while extortionate ransom demands were made to their families.

Actually, none of that is true. The honeymoon ”had started off promisingly as the couple soaked up the sun beside the pool at their private villa” on Corfu.

”Unfortunately, things took a turn for the worse when, within the first few days, Kym, 26, was stung on the bottom by a wasp which left her in such pain that she was unable to sit down.”

Kym and Jack are currently receiving counselling, and will no doubt share their horrifying ordeal with the world in a special lift-out in next week’s Hello!

Posted: 28th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

Lest We Forget

‘IT’S that time of the year again when, on the anniversary of her death, Hello! mourns the loss of its favourite cover girl and tries to boost circulation by publishing yet more tributes to Diana, Princess of Wales.

Di was about to sign for Aston Villa when she was tragically killed

Five years after her tragic discovery that chauffeured Mercedes and Paris tunnels are not a good combination, the magazine takes a look at the ”lasting legacy” of our sorely-missed Queen of Hearts.

Royal historian and biographer Robert Lacey remembers the ”scornful” tabloid headline, ”Di’s Leg-Over”, with ”yet another set of snaps of the Princess cavorting in a bathing suit with Dodi Fayed” and ”posing provocatively on a diving board, canoodling with her boyfriend on an open deck”.

Not everyone remembers her so fondly, however. ”I thought she was going bonkers,” one respected royal correspondent recalls.

But the terrible events of August 31, 1997, altered all our opinions forever. ”From the grief and shock at the senseless death of a beautiful young woman” – so much more shocking and senseless than the death of, say, an elderly hag – ”emerged St Diana, ‘the People’s Princess’, beacon of all that was heroic and humane”.

”Death gave shape and meaning to a life that had been losing its way,” notes Mr Lacey – and how.

It’s not everyone who could make it from royal pariah to national treasure, martyr and icon in one simple step, and surely premature death was but a small price for Diana to pay for so successful a rehabilitation.

Posted: 28th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

Snapping Out Of It

‘THERE are many ways to approach Michael Jackson’s nose. Iconic object, medical curiosity, aesthetic statement…

Is his nose out of joint?

One thing we can all agree on, however, is that it is a delicate creation, and should be handled with care.

Its fragility was demonstrated at one of Michael’s recent concerts, when he accidentally yanked off a nostril, sending it flying into the lap of a lucky fan in one of the front rows.

No doubt such items are available for sale on the internet to those in the know. So it is disturbing to read in the Enquirer of an incident during a lunch that Jacko recently had with singer Denise Rich and a group of assorted music moguls.

”His eyes were rolling back in his head as if he was totally out of it,” says ”an observer”. ”The only way of getting his attention was to snap your fingers in front of his face.”

Can this be true? Surely the last thing one should do when dealing with the King of Pop is snap your fingers in his face. This kind of thing could trigger a facial avalanche, with eyelids, nostrils, lips and earlobes all over the shop.

No, the correct way to elicit a response is to approach slowly, and whisper, ”Mr Jackson, ET will see you now”. Jacko’s eyes will then roll back into their correct position, and sparkle delightedly.

He should then be lifted carefully, placed in his perspex bubble and rolled gently away, taking care to avoid any steep bumps in the carpet.

Posted: 23rd, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

Daddy’s Girl

‘THE KING of Pop was once married to Lisa Marie Presley, daughter of the King of Rock.

Nic battles pre-wedding jitters in his special wedding jumpsuit

Exactly what went on in that particular marriage is a secret that only Bubbles the Monkey and one or two other trusted friends of Jacko will ever know. But we can surmise that it was unorthodox, even by the standards of American celebrity.

Now Lisa Marie has married again, in what the Enquirer calls a ”fairy-tale wedding”, although this time the phrase is used figuratively, which is not always the case when Michael Jackson is involved.

”If only my daddy was here,” said Lisa-Marie – a sentiment with which her new hubby would concur. For he is actor Nicolas Cage, who just happens to be an Elvis obsessive, and has memorably impersonated The King on film.

Nothing unusual about that, of course: after all, Liza Minnelli recently married a long-standing bachelor whose apartment includes a shrine to her mother, Judy Garland.

Only a sicko would think there was anything strange about a man who carried one of Elvis’s rings in his pocket while marrying the man’s daughter, and wore a rhinestone jumpsuit to the reception afterwards.

Then again, there are a lot of sickos out there…

Posted: 23rd, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

The Comfi-Slax King

‘THIS story is brought to you by the makers of Comfi-Slax, the adjustable trousers for men of stature.


We are proud to announce our association with Peter ”Big Elvis” Vallee, the 550lb Elvis impersonator who has been treading – and breaking – the boards for more than 20 years, delighting young and old alike with his brand of heavyweight hits.

The stage rocks and Vallee rolls as he sings his song about pork-and-greens, invites us to a Clambake, and implores us not to step on his blue suede colostomy bag. Shut your eyes and you could be listening to The King himself, twenty-five years on.

And Vallee has an interesting theory as to the source of his talent. He believes it’s hereditary. ”My mother told me she had an affair with Elvis in 1964, right around the time I was conceived,” he says. ”She never had a paternity test done, so it’s possible that I could be Presley’s illegitimate child.”

Anything’s possible, of course, but we can think of other likely candidates. Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott, for example, was working as a ship’s steward at the time, and we feel sure that not every unattached female customer from the Americas would have been able to resist his silver-tongued charm. ‘

Posted: 23rd, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

Stepping Down The Aisle

‘WE’RE in familiar territory in this week’s Hello!, where an obscure singer has just got married in a ”fairytale wedding”. These are not the nuptials of Kym Marsh and Jack Ryder (see OK!), but of Faye Tozer and Jesper Irn.

In this fairytale, Faye plays the ugly sister

”Who?” we hear you ask. Faye is formerly of the band Steps, while Jesper is her long-term Danish lover. And, as Hello! assures us, ”It was never going to be an ordinary wedding, even by celebrity standards”.

After all, it’s not every celebrity who gets hitched in a dress apparently constructed from slaughtered swans, or displays such an all-encompassing lack of taste when it comes to celebrating their special day.

Rather using the words tasteless and pretentious, Hello! prefers to describe the proceedings as ”spectacular and unashamedly over-the-top”.

The event had a ”distressed fairytale” theme – not a reference to orphaned children and sexually suspect dwarves on the bride’s side, but ”a whimsical, romantic wedding with an ironic modern twist”.

”Think pre-Raphaelite and Gainsborough with some Jane Austen and a stately home thrown in,” suggests Hello!.

We have another suggestion – but we’ll save that until after the kiddies have gone to bed.

Posted: 21st, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

Love Me Tender

‘ALSO tying the knot in this week’s Hello! are Lisa Marie Presley and Nicolas Cage, daughter of the dead music legend and nephew of the star director respectively.

The groom also wore white

”Despite the couple’s Hollywood credentials, the top-secret ceremony was kept low-key and intimate,” says Hello!. But not so intimate that the magazine couldn’t sneak a couple of spies with telephoto lenses into the grounds.

”Lisa Marie and Nicolas looked very much in love,” an onlooker at the luxurious Mauna Lani Bay Hotel in Hawaii tells Hello!. ”They way he put his arm around her and held her was very tender and delicate.”

But is there something a little troubling about their love? Could it be that, like Charles and Di, there are three people in this marriage? Hello! writes that ”Nicolas’s longtime fascination with Lisa Marie’s late father… threatened to jeopardise the relationship”.

”A lifelong fan, Nicolas had a collection of memorabilia dedicated to The King and had even mastered a near-perfect impersonation of him – as demonstrated in the films Honeymoon In Vegas and Wild At Heart.”

But, fortunately, ”this did not impress Lisa Marie” – and she certainly never asks him to dress up for her in his rhinestones and white jumpsuit at home.

Posted: 21st, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

Baby Talk

‘NOW that Nicolas and Lisa Marie have made it legal, it surely won’t be long before they hear the pitter-patter of little blue suede shoes around the house.

One of the lovely things Damian has taught Liz

But Liz Hurley didn’t wait for a husband before she went forth and multiplied, and she couldn’t be happier about her decision, as she tells Hello!.

”It’s enhanced every single part of my life,” she says of being a mother. ”All I secretly want to do is go home and play with Damian.” So it must be very difficult for her when all she publicly wants to do is go out to parties in designer frocks.

”I just love having him in my life,” she continues. ”It really, really reminds you of what’s important and what brings you great joy. And you see him bring such great joy to everybody else, too, it’s enchanting. I had absolutely no idea that it could possibly be that lovely.”

One of the reasons Ms Hurley was so unprepared for the joys of motherhood was because, as she says, ”I never really knew that many babies before and had hardly ever spent any time with them.”

Isn’t she forgetting those 13 years she was with Hugh Grant?’

Posted: 21st, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

The Neverending Story

‘NO PRIZES for guessing the big story in this week’s OK! magazine. It’s the wedding of Jack Ryder and Kym Marsh, and OK! has the ”WORLD EXCLUSIVE” – which must have annoyed all those American magazines desperate to pay top dollar for the story.

”Will you marry me? Think of how much we’ll make…”

But to the victor go the spoils, and OK! is proudly displaying its spoils at the front of the stall.


Phew! Quite a list. They’re going to need a lot of space to fit that lot in. Luckily though, they have found space: pages 46 to 73, to be precise.

And very nice it is too, with lots of pictures, and an interesting interview too, in which they talk about their vows, their religious views, the wedding dress, the rings, the name-change, the honeymoon, the guest-list, and all sorts of other delightful things.

In fact, there are so many interesting things that not only do we not have room to go into them, but even OK! itself can’t do the story justice in a mere 27 pages.

So in next week’s issue we get part two (”JOIN THE COUPLE AT THEIR STAR-STUDDED RECEPTION FOR A NIGHT TO REMEMBER”). Ask your newsagent to reserve you a copy.

And don’t forget to take your medication.’

Posted: 20th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

Better Late Than Never

‘KATE LAWLER graces the pages of OK! this week, and the Big Brother winner’s chosen venue for the photo-shoot is Highbury, home of Arsenal Football Club, the great love of Kate’s life.

Arsene – just a minor figure at Highbury

But she reveals that there is no Gooner tradition in her South London family. ”My dad’s Charlton, my twin’s Millwall, my mum’s Crystal Palace, my sister’s Millwall and my brother’s Tottenham,” she explains.

Kate started supporting Arsenal because a friend of hers did. ”And we loved Ian Wright!” she enthuses. And Ian visited the Big Brother house while Kate was incarcerated there during the summer, greeting her through the one-way mirror.

The Arsenal talk continues for a while, but eventually, like all good things, it has to come to an end. And when it does, Kate remarks casually that she hasn’t been to see the Gunners for a while.

How long’s that, then? ”I haven’t seen a match since Arsene Wenger’s been in charge,” she says.

Oh well, not to worry, Kate. You haven’t missed much.

Posted: 20th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

Alex Cleans Up

‘ALEX from Big Brother is busy cleaning up as a result of his new-found fame, cashing in on his notorious fastidiousness with a new television ad.

Next in line to feel Alex’s wrath

In case you haven’t seen the ad, OK! describes it in detail and we are happy to repeat this service for any of our own readers who haven’t yet had the pleasure.

It all plays on the famous BB incident in which the Essex model freaked out upon discovering that fellow housemates were urinating in the shower.

We think that we see Alex repeating the deed himself, until the camera pulls back to reveal that the jet of liquid spurting from Alex’s groin is… Domestos!

And he turns around and mimes to That’s The Way (I Like It), the song with which he became synonymous after the famous Seventies disco that thrilled the nation.

It’s all very amusing and clever, but a slightly odd idea for a story – after all, aren’t ads normally kept separate from the main body of a magazine?

OK! clearly thinks otherwise: in next week’s issue it promises to show ”Alex looking totally sexy in another ad campaign – this time for hair gel giant Schwarzkopf Professional”.

Watch this space.

Posted: 20th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

Historical Continuity

”’PRINCE Andrew is set to receive a multimillion-pound windfall from the sale of Sunninghill Park,” reports Hello!, after the Queen agreed to allow him to buy the place freehold from the crown.

”I love being a Windsor!”

She had originally gifted him the freehold of the 50-room mansion as a wedding present and had expected to take back ownership of the house, which is on Crown land.

Now she has agreed to let him ”reap the proceeds” from the sale, providing that he uses the money (expected to be around £10 million) to renovate the late Queen Mother’s Royal Lodge, which Andrew will now move into.

”It was felt that, with her love of historical continuity, the Queen Mother would have appreciated another Duke of York moving into her beloved home,” claims Hello!.

So, Andrew finds himself in the agreeable position of supporting historical continuity, moving into a luxurious new pad, and having £7 million in change left over after everything’s taken care of. Which is nice.

Posted: 15th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

Atherton Off The Mark

‘EVERYONE in Hello! seems to have a new baby – with the exception of Cherie Blair, whose miscarriage is unaccountably given two pages of coverage in the current issue – and thus the unlikely appearance of taciturn Michael Atherton in the hallowed glossy pages is immediately explained by the small bundle of warm flesh and wet nappy that dangles from a harness on his chest.

Athers tried to raise a smile for Hello!

And as he emerges from the hospital with his girlfriend (”wealthy publisher’s daughter Isabella”) and new son Joshua, Hello! notes that the former England cricket captain looks as if he’s taking his new responsibilities seriously.

Which is Hello!-speak for ”Curmudgeon Atherton looked grumpy and surly as usual”.

”I imagine my long-term marriage prospects are slim because I’m so passionless,” said Atherton soon after he and Isabella met. But like Tim Henman, Atherton has now done the business with a lady and looks set to go all the way to the altar.

It gets them all in the end.

Posted: 15th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

Hoffman In Chair Scare Shocker

‘POOR old Dustin Hoffman. As if his unscheduled appearance as a pundit on Big Brother wasn’t bad enough, he seems to be surrounded by misfortune.

The stuff of Dustin’s nightmares

First there was the heroic saga of the stranded marine life on the beach near his Stateside domicile. Now he’s in trouble in Blighty, as Hello! pictures Hoffman ”RECOVERING AFTER A DECKCHAIR INJURY”, as the headline bluntly puts it.

Don’t laugh, please; it isn’t funny. Indeed, Dustin looks extremely grumpy about it as he attempted to ”put his fight with a deckchair behind him last week on a shopping expedition to Sloane Street”.

He cut his hand while putting the chair up in the garden of his Kensington home, whereupon the chair collapsed, trapping his hand and arm. The doctor told him he was the eighth person that day who had come to him having had the same accident – although why they were all messing about with Hoffman’s chair is anybody’s guess.

Meanwhile, he isn’t letting the trifling matter of an arm sling get in the way of his good works. The magazine reports that he is channelling his energies into a campaign to save a chestnut tree near his home. Hasn’t anyone warned him about the dangers of conkers? ‘

Posted: 15th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

Running Scared

‘BRITNEY is on the brink, according to this week’s big National Enquirer feature story. The booze and the heartache are all played out in minute detail, but the most shocking news comes on the gossip pages at the back of the mag.

”Oops! I did it again!”

”POOPS! I DID IT AGAIN!” laughs the ever-sophisticated DISH! Column, edited by the pleasingly-named Lycia Naff. The incident occurred during Britney’s performance in Mexico City, when she had to run off stage in the middle of a song for fear that lightning was about to strike the stage.

”I’m sorry Mexico, I love you. Bye!” she shouted, and was gone. The spectacular scenes that ensued in the bathroom were certainly an indication of a high level of terror, but her distress was not the result of lightning.

It transpires that she was in fact OD-ing on laxatives, resulting in ”several near misses and one full-blown accident” according to what Ms Naff coyly calls ”my spy close to the constipated crooner”.

Apparently, Brit has been using the drugs as a slimming aid for years, and the Mexico debacle was not an isolated incident. Not only that, but ”she often jokes about surprise bathroom attacks causing unplanned costume changes”.

An ”insider” (not literally, we hope) says elsewhere in the magazine: ”She’s definitely in meltdown mode.” And when the story breaks, the Enquirer will be the first to splash it all over.

Posted: 15th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

Holy Odd Couple!

‘AS Bruce Wayne and his youthful ward Dick Grayson, aka Batman and Robin, actors Adam West and Bruce Ward were a byword for teamwork. Some even suggested that their close on-screen relationship had undertones of homosexuality.

”Holy cow, Batman! Not another lame joke!”

Yet away from the cameras their relationship could hardly have been less cosy. In fact, as the Enquirer reports, they could barely stand the sight of one another.

Now the old antagonisms have arisen again, as the pair is hard at work on a CBS nostalgia special in LA. ”Burt is still a prima donna,” says the inevitable ”source”.

”He’ll have his chauffeur wait in his driveway while he feeds his horses, or he’ll sit in his trailer just so that Adam has to wait for him to start a scene. Adam gets annoyed, and they grumble at each other.” The odd couple indeed.

But best of all is the following exchange. Ward pulls a picture of a jackass from his coat. ”See this, Adam?” he says. ”That’s you!” To which West responded: ”Just grow up, Burt!”

Let’s hope the dramatic tension makes it to the screen.

Posted: 15th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

The Sum Of All Fears

”’YIKES!” shrieks the Enquirer. ”Stars’ bizarre phobias turn Hollywood into Hollyweird.” And in the spirit of sympathy and compassion for which it is justly renowned, the magazine proceeds to list the foibles and fears of Tinseltown’s finest.

Woody wonders whether he’ll ever be hot

Michelle Pfeiffer is claustrophobic (”prefers roomy rooms and open spaces”). Kim Basinger is agoraphobic (”a fear of open, public places”). Billy Bob Thornton is ”afraid of antique furniture”. Mel B is afraid of old people.

Woody Allen is scared of overheating and ”has been known to take his temperature every two hours” (although he might simply have been ill at the time – a possibility that is not considered in this ever-so-slightly glib exercise).

But what of the phobias that dare not speak their name? Robin Williams’ aversion to funny movies, Brad Pitt’s pathological fear of decent clothing, Keith Richards’ fear of a new chord structure…

We could go on, but it only encourages them. ‘

Posted: 15th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

Tarted Up

‘THE only good thing about Kate Lawler being in the Big Brother house was that she couldn’t talk to OK! magazine. But now the ”blonde, beautiful, confident, funny” Kate is on the outside once more, and she’s giving an interview to OK! because it’s her ”favourite magazine in the world”.

New pictures show Kate wooing the female vote

So, Kate, how does it feel to be the first female winner of Big Brother? ”I feel totally freaked out!” she squeals. ”It’s absolutely unreal.” And why did you apply for Big Brother in the first place? As it transpires, it wasn’t for the chance to be violently ill in front of a TV audience of millions. Nor was it the opportunity to break the record for the number of times the phrase ”Oh my God” can be uttered in a 15-minute period. ”It was almost as if the whole of Britain felt they had to audition,” claims Her Blondeness.

And indeed, all of Britain did audition, except for the 59.85 million people who didn’t. Kate was warned by the psychotherapist that appearing on Big Brother could ruin her life, and that the show ”was like a pantomime and we’d all be cast as characters”.

Kate was assured by her BB chaperone: ”You’ll probably be cast as the pretty girl.” ”I thought that was sweet,” says Kate, ”but I wondered if she meant I’d be the house tart.” And so it came to pass. ”I flirted with Spencer because I fancied him,” she reveals. ”I flirted with Alex because I thought he was fit, but I didn’t fancy him. I never flirted with Jonny, I didn’t fancy him.”

But it didn’t stop her snogging him for the votes.

Posted: 14th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

Named And Shamed

‘IN another hymn to blondeness, OK! also interviews Kerry Katona this week. It wasn’t so long ago that Kerry was telling the magazine’s readers all about the heartbreak she suffered when a lapdancer told the tabloids about her stag-night fling with Bryan Westlife, aka Mr Kerry Katona. But the pair have obviously kissed and made up, as Kerry is now expecting their second child.

Where little Corby was created

”Is it true both babies were conceived in the same hotel?” asks OK!. ”Yes, both times it’s been at the Conrad International London, in Chelsea,” grins Kerry. Will Kerry and Bryan do a Posh and Becks and name their child after the place of conception – Conrad if it’s a boy, and Chelsea if it’s a girl?

They may be pretty awful names, but they’re nothing compared with the monikers Geri Halliwell had as a youngster. As OK! notes, the artist formerly known as Ginger turned 30 last week, ”yet she’s already packed enough into her life to satisfy a 70 year old”. Not wanting to think about how Geri might satisfy a 70-year-old, we move on to read that ”most people’s reaction to Geri turning 30” – apart from supreme indifference, of course – ”will be one of suspicion”.

”The singer’s age has long been a topic of debate, earning her the nickname Old Spice,” OK! writes. But members of her own family had much worse nicknames for her than that. Poor Geri was ”branded Caquitas (little poo) and La enana (dwarf) as a child by her Spanish aunts”.

But now that Geri is all grown up, we’re pleased to report that the adjective ”little” no longer applies.

Posted: 14th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

The Golden RULERs

‘OK! itself has come up with a clever nickname for ”the most desirable men on the planet”. ”They’re roguish, unattached, loaded, eligible romeos – or ‘R.U.L.E.Rs” and they are ”the charismatic cads who are impossible to tame”.

The new RULERS pick their queens

Their numbers include Hugh Grant, George Clooney and Tim Jeffries, men whose ”magnetic charm” means ”they are never short of a beautiful woman to take to the season’s hottest party or premiere, and the women they are linked to are as plentiful as the invites that land on their gold-trimmed doormats”.

But somehow onto this list of ”serial ladykillers” have crept the likes of Mick Hucknall, Gary Lucy and Michael Greco. ”They are the men all fathers fear,” claims OK!. And the men that all women laugh at.

Posted: 14th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment

Going The Gay Way

‘BRITNEY Spears might have an image so clean that it squeaks, but this week the Enquirer smears that image with whipped cream and encourages it to jelly-wrestle with one of America’s top porn stars.

More than a girl…

”Britney Spears has a passion for porn – especially lesbian love!” it announces, adding that pop’s most famous virgin has befriended a top X-rated actress. ”Britney isn’t the goody-two-shoes everybody thinks she is,” says a source. ”She loves to watch porn and has her own personal collection of hot sex videos.” A pal adds: ”She and her friends watch it together and she is absolutely fascinated.”

Insiders say that Britney has become close to porn star Jenna Jameson – but not close enough for some people. ”There’s a definite attraction between them,” says Jenna’s fiancé, Jay Sterling, optimistically. Could it be that, having had her heart broken by a callous male, Britney is considering swapping sides? The Enquirer notes that after her break-up with Justin Timberlake, Britney attended a party thrown by porn producers, where such cinematic offerings as Where The Boys Aren’t, She Town and Blonde On Blonde were screened.

Psychotherapist and sex expert Dr Judy Kuriansky tells the Enquirer: ”I think it would be perfectly natural for her to be curious about lesbian sexual adventures because she’s a very sensual young woman who attracts both male and female fans.” And Jay says that if Britney’s music career flops, she could certainly make it in the porn industry. ”Sterling says his bride-to-be would love to perform in a movie and even has a name for the project – Britney Loves Jenna.”

Stand by for news of the release – and the sound of box-office records shattering.

Posted: 14th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment