Royal Family | Anorak - Part 20

Royal Family Category

The Royal Family, the House of Windsor, in the news and on a horse

Radiant Kate Middleton Is Skeletal: Daily Express Undermines Daily Star Expert

KATE Middleton needs “CAKE”, declares the Daily Star.

The Star calls upon an “expert” in looking at photos of Kate Middleton and work out how thin she is. The guru is called Laura Williams, “a dieting expert who has appeared on Channel 5’s Vanessa Show”.

Williams tells the Star, owned by Richard Desmond, that Kate looks “stressed and drawn at the moment”, adding:

“She is under tremendous scrutiny and the attention could well be getting to her.”

More of that pressure on 5, Richard Desmond’s TV station.

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Posted: 21st, April 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment

Stalkers Set To Really Enjoy The Wedding Of Prince William And Kate Middleton

HURRAY! There’s a Royal Wedding! Of course, every single Briton absolutely adores those deserving, clueless, blueblooded lizard men!

Naturally, there are those who don’t really like the Royal Family, but you can’t complain too much because they’ve wafted their well-bred hands and got us all a day-off work, which collectively, we’ll not want to enjoy too much on the off chance it makes us look like we’re rooting for those scaly swine!

Either way, the Royal Wedding, complete with capital letters, is going ahead and whether you like it or not, it’ll be the talk of lovers and haters alike while Prince William stands very upright gnashing his impossible teeth and Kate Middleton looks for all the world like she’s to become The Next Princess Diana (aka designed entirely to be slightly less posh than her new in-laws, forever to destined to nod meekly at AIDS suffers and limbless orphans).

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Posted: 21st, April 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment

Royal Wedding Watch: Digging The Princess Catherine Bush

PLANS are being made for Princess Catherine, nee Kate Middleton. At the Savill Garden in Windsor Great Park, a man with a spade is digging in a patch of earth. We gulp. Is she to be another Diana?

The site of digging adds a certain diablerie to the wedding preparations.

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Posted: 21st, April 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment

Royal Wedding Watch: The Bunting Is Erected In London

THE bunting runs the length of Regent Street. London is ready for a party? Are you going? Will you be waving a flag and cheering for Wills and Kate? Do you have bunting..?

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Posted: 20th, April 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment

Daily Express Honours Princess Diana By Calling Kate Middleton A Bitch

FOLLOWING yesterday’s news that the Independent admits to writing “shit” stories, we being news that the Daily Express thinks Kate Middleton is a”bitch” (click the image):

The Express rehashes a press release based on a dating site’s opinion poll that Kate Middleton is more shaggable than Princess Diana.

The joke is, of course , that the Express has been shagging Diana’s bones ever since the celebrity royal shuffled off the Fabled Sixth Floor of Harvey Nichols.

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Posted: 20th, April 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment

Royal Wedding Jelly Bean Watch: Independent’s PR Fiction For People Who Love Shit

FOLLOWING the debate in the Independent’s mini-me i newspaper on how to cover the Royal Wedding in a superior and condescending fashion,

And under the URL (click the image):

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Posted: 19th, April 2011 | In: Key Posts, Royal Family | Comments (4)

Royal Wedding Death Plot: Loving Kate Middleton Is A Mental Illness

KATE Middleton has “STALKERS”! The Daily Mirror leads with news that “COPS” have “SWOOPED” on these Stalkers.
Reading on we learn from Victoria Murphy that:

STALKERS out to gatecrash the royal wedding are being targeted by police.

Who are these stalkers plotting to bypass the police, the cavalry, the snipers, the footmen, the SAS and Camilla to get close to Princess Catherine?

They have swooped on at least a dozen suspects, including mental health patients, and warned them to stay away from Wills and Kate’s big day on April 29 – for their own safety.

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Posted: 18th, April 2011 | In: Key Posts, Royal Family | Comment (1)

Royal Wedding Tat Watch: The Cake

ROYAL Wedding Tat Watch spots the World’s Largest Canine Cake – weighing 68kg, 76 inches tall (including the base) and made from dog-friendly ingredients (bone, chum, postman, Fergie and jelly).

The Guinness Book Of World Records says this is the world’s biggest dog cake.

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Posted: 15th, April 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comments (2)

The Royal Wedding Is For Conformist Idiots: So Says The Liberal Elite

THE Royal Wedding is but days away, and with Kate ‘Dodi’ Middleton is the front runner to marry Prince William and save us all from a President for at least another generation.

Others, however, think the monarchy is a joke they can see through. Guardian columnist Tanya Gold want to show us that she knows what you are too stupid to realise:

“I am going to be tried for saying this, but a royal wedding will make idiots of us Brits.”

What it is to be superior to the dolts who buy plates and mugs (how apt). They have no idea that the plate is just a bit of china with a photo stuck on it. Good that the liberal intelligentsia can point out their flaws and call them idiots. Hang the fact that the wedding is harmless froth, a bit of fun that look good on the telly and in your street, if you are inclined to hang out bunting and enjoy yourself. You’re all mentally negligible fools. The smart option is to spend the day sneering publicly, recycling and telling your pals that you are not watching the wedding.

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Posted: 14th, April 2011 | In: Key Posts, Royal Family | Comments (2)

Kate Middleton: Princess Diana’s Ring Haunted By Bulemia

IN “WIDTH THS RING”, the Sun brings front-page news that Kate Middleton is now so thin her engagement ring has been reduced in size to fit her finger.

“Super-slim Kate has Diana’s engagement band shrunk to fit.”

Is the Sun fast-tracking Kate to Diana-dom? Is Kate not even waiting until the marriage to a Prince before she loses weight? Never mind the Kate hand being unable to support a ring, we’re watching to see how long it is before her too-thin neck causes her head to tilt to one side – like Diana’s did!

Gulp! Is the ring haunted by an eating disorder!? Does Kate Middleton’s ring have bulemia?

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Posted: 13th, April 2011 | In: Key Posts, Royal Family | Comment (1)

Kate Middleton And Prince William Reveal Wedding Dress Nerves In Lancashire: Photos

PRINCE William and Princess Catherine were in Darwen, Lancashire. This was her final official engagement with Prince William before their wedding.

Kate pulls on a sensible high-street jacket, takes a deep breath before leaving her hermetically sealed life in Anglesey and gets to work in the regions.

(When Kate is married she will revert to her usual style of masses of bling, huge back-combed hair and Disney-themed shoes.)

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Posted: 11th, April 2011 | In: Key Posts, Royal Family | Comment

Dublin Landlord Who Banned Queen Elizabeth Arrested In Dublin

LAST time we saw the The Players Lounge, Fairview, in Dublin today, John Stokes, the father of Celtic player Anthony Stokes and the bar’s landlord, was sticking up a huge banner banning Her Majesty The Queen from entry during her tour of Ireland.

Today, the bar was hit by police during an organised crime raid. Stokes has been arrested on suspicion of possessing firearms.

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Posted: 8th, April 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment

Prince Charles Is Not OK! In Vanity Fair: Exclusive

AS Anorak readers you will know that OK! – “First For Celebrity News” – exists in that grey area where truth and fable collide. But in this week’s edition the magazine pushes the envelope of disingenuous reporting with a “ROYAL EXCLUSIVE” in which we are privy to an “AT HOME WITH HRH PRINCE CHARLES”.

Can it be that OK!, sister organ to the Daily Express, the paper that has done more to push the theory that Princess Diana’s was murdered, has scored an interview with the future King?

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Posted: 6th, April 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment

Royal Wedding Tat Watch: Teeth Rotting Love Hearts

ROYAL Wedding Tat Watch presents edible wedding stuff in the shape of Love Hearts. We are shown the one that is “JUST MARRIED”. The rest of the sweets in the tube say: “JE T’AIME”; “I 8 CPB”; “H 4 NE1”; “KISS ME KATE”; “I DO”; “I MIGHTS;”NO I F*****G WON’T”…

Posted: 5th, April 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment

Royal Wedding: A Look At The Kate And Wills Tat On Sale On London’s Oxford Street

ROYAL Wedding Tat Watch went for a stroll down London’s grimy Oxford Street to take look at the Prince William and Catherine Middleton stuff on sale. Do tell us what tat you see. We’re building quite a collection of divorce stamps, car polishers, Highgrove tea, figurine, idiot plates, knit wits, condoms, ode, dusting, sausage roll, towel, sick bags, JFK hair, spit, beer and other stuff of historical record…

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Posted: 5th, April 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment

Prince Charles And Camilla In Morocco: Photos Of The Peaceful Revolution

PRINCE Charles and the Duchess of Cornwall are in Morocco. Camilla was at the Villa des Arts in Rabat. A student presented her with a picture of a house. Camilla then inspected the Moroccan Parachute Regiment Ist Infantry Brigade.

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Posted: 4th, April 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment

Royal Wedding Tat Watch: William And Catherine’s Divorce Stamp

PRINCE William and Catherine Tat Watch journeys to New Zealand where the Post Office has made ready for the couple’s separation – literally.

The twin stamps have a perforated line running down the middle, enabling them to be split in half. The whole stamp costs 5.80 NZ dollars, but when torn apart, Catherine Middleton is worth just 2.40 dollars to Prince William’s 3.40 dollars.

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Posted: 4th, April 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment

Kate Middleton’s Bullying Hell: Who Put A Poo In Her Bed?

KATE Middleton wants to tell you about “MY BULLYING HELL”.

Was the future Mrs Prince William a kindergarten tough? Well, no. The News of the World has news:

ROYAL bride Kate Middleton suffered a devastating ordeal at the hands of a gang of vicious bullies, the News of the World can reveal.

It was those Palace flunkies that did for Diana, we’d wager?

Her teenage tormentors even put excrement in her bedsheets at posh Downe House school and hounded Terrified Kate, 29, was hounded for being “too perfect”.

That’s her story and she is sticking to it – literally.

School pal Jessica Hay said: “She told me she was very, very badly bullied.”

This might not be the best advert Downe House, that school where gels are processed into young ladies, has seen published.

We are told that Kate was “too nice for her own good“. Her two terms at the Berkshire school were a “tears-filled nightmare”.

The story is rooted in a new book by Sean Smith, authour of Cheryl, (a book about Cheryl Cole) Robbie (Robbie Williams), Jennifer: The Unauthorized Biography of Jennifer Aniston, Kylie: The Biography (Kylie Minogue), Britney: The Biography (Britney Spears), Victoria Beckham: The Biography, Justin Timberlake: The Biography, J.K.Rowling: A Biography and Royal Racing: The Queen and Queen Mother’s Sporting Life.

His books are published by Simon & Schuster, and distributed by Harper Collins, owned by Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation. Mr Murdoch also owns the Sun. This front-page news looks a lot like an advertorial.

Here’s the blurb about the book:

Kate’s journey begins with her remarkable mother, Carole, a true rags-to-riches story. Sean Smith examines Kate’s early life, her unhappy time being bullied at school before finding her feet at Marlborough College where she was transformed from an ugly duckling to a swan. He travels to St Andrews in Scotland where she met Prince William.

Yep. It’s a modern fairytale, in which the normal “ugly” girl suffers to become a swan.

As for that headline-making bullying… Well, the stories are rooted in Smith’s interviews with some of Kate’s “closest friends”. You may suppose that Kate’s closest friends would not talk to the media and writers of unofficial biographies. But you’d be wrong, apparently.

“The bullying was far worse than just knocking her schoolbooks out of her hands or pushing her to the back of the lunch queue.”

Worse than that?!

“Poor Kate was lonely, homesick and frequently in tears.”

So. It wasn’t just the alleged bullying that made her time at the school trying. She was homesick at boarding school at age 13.

And if there was bulling there must have been bullies. Will those girls now grown up bridle at the accusation?

“She had run into a pack of bullies who reduced her to an emotional wreck. Until then she had been at mixed schools and had no experience of how bitchy girls could be.”

Because girls at mixed school aren’t bitchy? Who knew?

This is followed by news of Kate being too perfect, her, er, eczema, and:

Kate’s parents went to see the then Marlborough headmaster, Ed Gould, to plead with him to take Kate in the middle of the summer term. Mr Gould listened sympathetically to their story and found her a place in the school’s all-girl house Elmhurst, renowned for its sporting excellence.

But what about girls being bitches when they are in one school?

Get a load of these alleged bitches, or as the paper puts it: “Famous old girls who survived.”

As Kate won the trust of her new pals, she told them how she “absolutely hated” her time at Downe House, which numbers BBC sports presenter Clare Balding, TV sitcom star Miranda Hart and model-turned TV chef Sophie Dahl among its former pupils.

And then we read the clincher: Kate Middleton is just like the caring News of The World:

She has never publicly spoken about her bullying ordeal – but has asked the 1,900 guests at her wedding to donate to charity Beatbullying, which has campaigned with the News of the World to stamp out the national problem.

Hurrah for Kate! Hurrah for the NoTW! Bully for them!!


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Posted: 3rd, April 2011 | In: Key Posts, Royal Family | Comment (1)

When The Queen Visited Prince William In Anglsey: Photos

ANY idea what the Queen said to Prince William on her visit to Anglesey?
The Queen and The Duke of Edinburgh visited RAF Valley, in Anglesey where Prince William showed his grandparents a Sea King search and rescue helicopter. He wold have invited them back to his place for tea, but his live-in lover’s there and you know how grandpa gets…


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Prince William greets Britain's Queen Elizabeth II and the Duke of Edinburgh at the hanger where the Sea King Helicopter he flies during his training as a Search and Rescue pilot is kept, during a visit to RAF Valley in Anglesey.

Posted: 2nd, April 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comments (3)

Prince Andrew Made Governor Of New South Wales

PRINCE Andrew made Governor of New South Wales:

The fun-loving but troubled British royal HRH Prince Andrew, the Duke of York is to be appointed Governor of NSW by the new premierBarry O’Farrell, taking up his appointment in November this year when the current incumbent Marie Bashir retires.

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Posted: 1st, April 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment

Walking With The Wounded Expedition Photos: Photos With Prince Harry’s Iced Orange

PRINCE Harry is on a jolly in Norway with the Walking With The Wounded expedition. He pulled on a livid orange immersion suits and dived into the icy waters. He looked like a tangerine wedge floating in a frozen daiquiri at Boujis.

However, the stars of the expedition are: Martin Hewitt (Paralysed right arm), Steve Young (Fractured vertebra), Guy Disney (Amputee – Right leg below knee) and Jaco van Gass (Amputee – Left arm through elbow).

The aim is for them and the non-wounded to walk to the North Pole.

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Posted: 30th, March 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment

Prince Charles And Camilla Head To Theatre Via Portugal, Spain And Morocco

THE Prince of Wales and Camilla are in Portugal. They’ve been to the Belem Presidential Palace in Lisbon. After that, Charles and his wife are off to Spain and Morocco. Says Camilla: “After the last trip out to the theatre, we decided to take the long way round.” Any anti-monarchy protestors in Spain and Morocco have been forewarned…


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The Prince of Wales gestures alongside Captain Proencamendes, on board the NRP Sagras, dockside in Lisbon, Portugal.The Prince of Wales and Duchess of Cornwall are in Portugal for a 10-day tour promoting UK trade.

Posted: 28th, March 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment

Royal Wedding First Dance Fail: Crash Test Dummies At 16-1

ROYAL Wedding betting time now, readers, as we look to what Prince William and Princess Katherine’s first dance will be. The Daily Mail says that Victoria Chandler is offering 16-1 on – get this – Chasing Cars, by Snow Patrol. As the Crash Test Dummies were wont to say, Mmmmmmm….


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The Prince and Princess of Wales at Buckingham Palace with their son Prince William on the day of his christening.

Posted: 25th, March 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comments (5)

Prince Harry Gets A Job – For A Whole Day!

PRINCE Harry has scored a job. Hello! says he has joined the Navy “for a day”.

He leaves the senior service highly decorated and on full pension…

Posted: 25th, March 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment

Count Carl and Countess Nathalie Von Bismark Chew The Fat In Hello!

WHAT have Count Carl and Countess Nathalie Von Bismark been up to? Happily, that question can now be answered thanks to an interview in Hello! magazine.

“Countess Nathalie Von Bismark hitches up the chiffon hem of her Ralph Lauren gown to give a glimpse of a shapely leg encased in the softest white fur–lined Chanel boots.”

Hello! notes that “her raven tresses” offer a “neat Disney-esque contrast to the snowy backdrop”.

Is she a two-dimensional cartoon character? Nothing of it. Once upon a time Nathalie was fat in every way.

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Posted: 23rd, March 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment