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Royal Family | Anorak - Part 21

Royal Family Category

The Royal Family, the House of Windsor, in the news and on a horse

Royal Wedding Watch: A Short History Of Teeth

THE Royal Family are nothing without their teeth. In recognition of their services to big crunchy apples, ‘Barmy’ Baz Franks has spent six hours of his life having portraits of Prince William and Catherine Middleton pasted onto his mouth.

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Posted: 28th, April 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment (1)


Royal Wedding Graffiti Watch: Don’t Hate Kate

THE Royal Wedding is dividing opinion: there are those who love it and will be watching anything on the telly; and there are those who are smug, elite liberals who know better.

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Posted: 28th, April 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment (1)


Royal Wedding Smug Watch: Simon Callow Is

ROYAL Wedding Smug Watch: Simon Callow, actor, will not be watching Prince William and Kate Middleton tie the knot because:

“I shall be finishing a biography of Charles Dickens.”

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Posted: 28th, April 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comments (3)


Royal Wedding Smug Watch: The Roald Dahl Brick Wall

ROYAL Wedding Smug Watch: Michael Rosen, novelist and founder of the Roald Dahl Funny Prize, wants Times readers to know that he will not be watching the wedding:

I can think of a long list of things I’d rather do, starting with looking at a brick wall.

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Posted: 27th, April 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment (1)


Royal Wedding Dress Rehearsal: Photos

ARE you there yet? Are you at kerbside for the Royal Wedding parade? If not, you’d best hurry.You’ve already missed the pre-dawn dress rehearsal (pictures below), including the delivery of trees to Westminster Abbey, each field maple tree well shaken for signs of Sarah Ferguson. Terry Hutt is there. So is Whitney Currie. The fans are massing. If you want a decent view of Wavy Katy, you’d best get moving. If you want to sit at home with your Morrissey records, as you were…

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Terry Hutt waits outside Westminster Abbey, London, ahead of a pre-dawn dress rehearsal for the royal wedding by members of the military.

Posted: 27th, April 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comments (2)


Royal Wedding Smug Watch: Mariella Frostrup’s Social Climbing

ROYAL Wedding Smug Watch: Mariella Frostrup, the BBC television presenter, tells the Times:

“I’ve promised to climb the ‘craig’ with my kids, the biggest hill we can see from our house in Ayrshire. The only compromise is that my daughter Molly wants to see what Kate’s wearing before we set off. Seemed fair!”

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Posted: 24th, April 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Princess Eugenie Bucks The Royal Gene Pool: Photos

PASSING Windsor Castle, our attention was drawn towards the Royal Family traditional Easter Church service. Looking at the various walking gargoyles, it was hard not to be struck by Princess Eugenie. You pour all the genes into a vat, shakes them up and every so often fate deals a card from under the deck and a looker pops out…

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Princess Eugenie attends the traditional Easter Church service at Windsor Castle.

Posted: 24th, April 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Smug Michael Mansfield Says Anyone Watching The Royal Wedding Is Not In France

ROYAL Wedding Smug Watch: Michael Mansfield, QC, a man who made his name in the Princess Diana inquest, wants to tell the Times that he will not be watching Prince William and Princess Catherine tie the knot because:

“I’ll be in a Republic [France], which hasn’t had a monarch for over 200 years … Santé.”

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Posted: 23rd, April 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Superior Morrissey Says Anyone Watching The Royal Wedding Is Stupid

ROYAL Wedding Smug Watch: Morrissey tells the Times why he does not care a jot for Prince William and Kate Middleton:

I am an intelligent, artistic and compassionate human being. It therefore naturally follows that my interest in ‘william and kate muddleton’ is sub minus zero.

Not interested enough to deliberately get her name wrong in a comment to the press on how anyone who is watching the wedding is stupid?

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Posted: 22nd, April 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Minted Queen Give The Needy 85pence Each: Maundy Money In Photos

THE Maundy Service , saw the Queen The Archbishop of Canterbury Dr. Rowan Williams performing The Washing of The Feet ceremony during the Maundy Thursday service at Canterbury Cathedral in Kent. This is not a kink, rather an imitation of Christ at the last supper.

Over in Westminster Abbey, The Queen handed out specially minted coins in recognition of parishioners’ service to church and community.

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Posted: 22nd, April 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Royal Wedding Tat Watch: The Underground Carriage

ROYAL Wedding Tat Watch presents the Royal Wedding Oyster card. The card has been launched today for public transport travel in London. Wow, indeed.

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Posted: 21st, April 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Radiant Kate Middleton Is Skeletal: Daily Express Undermines Daily Star Expert

KATE Middleton needs “CAKE”, declares the Daily Star.

The Star calls upon an “expert” in looking at photos of Kate Middleton and work out how thin she is. The guru is called Laura Williams, “a dieting expert who has appeared on Channel 5’s Vanessa Show”.

Williams tells the Star, owned by Richard Desmond, that Kate looks “stressed and drawn at the moment”, adding:

“She is under tremendous scrutiny and the attention could well be getting to her.”

More of that pressure on 5, Richard Desmond’s TV station.

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Posted: 21st, April 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Stalkers Set To Really Enjoy The Wedding Of Prince William And Kate Middleton

HURRAY! There’s a Royal Wedding! Of course, every single Briton absolutely adores those deserving, clueless, blueblooded lizard men!

Naturally, there are those who don’t really like the Royal Family, but you can’t complain too much because they’ve wafted their well-bred hands and got us all a day-off work, which collectively, we’ll not want to enjoy too much on the off chance it makes us look like we’re rooting for those scaly swine!

Either way, the Royal Wedding, complete with capital letters, is going ahead and whether you like it or not, it’ll be the talk of lovers and haters alike while Prince William stands very upright gnashing his impossible teeth and Kate Middleton looks for all the world like she’s to become The Next Princess Diana (aka designed entirely to be slightly less posh than her new in-laws, forever to destined to nod meekly at AIDS suffers and limbless orphans).

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Posted: 21st, April 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Royal Wedding Watch: Digging The Princess Catherine Bush

PLANS are being made for Princess Catherine, nee Kate Middleton. At the Savill Garden in Windsor Great Park, a man with a spade is digging in a patch of earth. We gulp. Is she to be another Diana?

The site of digging adds a certain diablerie to the wedding preparations.

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Posted: 21st, April 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Royal Wedding Watch: The Bunting Is Erected In London

THE bunting runs the length of Regent Street. London is ready for a party? Are you going? Will you be waving a flag and cheering for Wills and Kate? Do you have bunting..?


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Posted: 20th, April 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Daily Express Honours Princess Diana By Calling Kate Middleton A Bitch

FOLLOWING yesterday’s news that the Independent admits to writing “shit” stories, we being news that the Daily Express thinks Kate Middleton is a”bitch” (click the image):

express.co.uk/posts/view/241563/4979-days-since-di-was-murdered-who-does-this-bitch-thin-she-is?

The Express rehashes a press release based on a dating site’s opinion poll that Kate Middleton is more shaggable than Princess Diana.

The joke is, of course , that the Express has been shagging Diana’s bones ever since the celebrity royal shuffled off the Fabled Sixth Floor of Harvey Nichols.

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Posted: 20th, April 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Royal Wedding Jelly Bean Watch: Independent’s PR Fiction For People Who Love Shit

FOLLOWING the debate in the Independent’s mini-me i newspaper on how to cover the Royal Wedding in a superior and condescending fashion,

And under the URL (click the image):

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/food-and-drink/utter-PR-fiction-but-people-love-this-shit-so-fuck-it-lets-just-print-it-2269573.html

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Posted: 19th, April 2011 | In: Key Posts, Royal Family | Comments (4)


Royal Wedding Death Plot: Loving Kate Middleton Is A Mental Illness

KATE Middleton has “STALKERS”! The Daily Mirror leads with news that “COPS” have “SWOOPED” on these Stalkers.
Reading on we learn from Victoria Murphy that:

STALKERS out to gatecrash the royal wedding are being targeted by police.

Who are these stalkers plotting to bypass the police, the cavalry, the snipers, the footmen, the SAS and Camilla to get close to Princess Catherine?

They have swooped on at least a dozen suspects, including mental health patients, and warned them to stay away from Wills and Kate’s big day on April 29 – for their own safety.

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Posted: 18th, April 2011 | In: Key Posts, Royal Family | Comment (1)


Royal Wedding Tat Watch: The Cake

ROYAL Wedding Tat Watch spots the World’s Largest Canine Cake – weighing 68kg, 76 inches tall (including the base) and made from dog-friendly ingredients (bone, chum, postman, Fergie and jelly).

The Guinness Book Of World Records says this is the world’s biggest dog cake.

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Posted: 15th, April 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comments (2)


The Royal Wedding Is For Conformist Idiots: So Says The Liberal Elite

THE Royal Wedding is but days away, and with Kate ‘Dodi’ Middleton is the front runner to marry Prince William and save us all from a President for at least another generation.

Others, however, think the monarchy is a joke they can see through. Guardian columnist Tanya Gold want to show us that she knows what you are too stupid to realise:

“I am going to be tried for saying this, but a royal wedding will make idiots of us Brits.”

What it is to be superior to the dolts who buy plates and mugs (how apt). They have no idea that the plate is just a bit of china with a photo stuck on it. Good that the liberal intelligentsia can point out their flaws and call them idiots. Hang the fact that the wedding is harmless froth, a bit of fun that look good on the telly and in your street, if you are inclined to hang out bunting and enjoy yourself. You’re all mentally negligible fools. The smart option is to spend the day sneering publicly, recycling and telling your pals that you are not watching the wedding.

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Posted: 14th, April 2011 | In: Key Posts, Royal Family | Comments (2)


Kate Middleton: Princess Diana’s Ring Haunted By Bulemia

IN “WIDTH THS RING”, the Sun brings front-page news that Kate Middleton is now so thin her engagement ring has been reduced in size to fit her finger.

“Super-slim Kate has Diana’s engagement band shrunk to fit.”

Is the Sun fast-tracking Kate to Diana-dom? Is Kate not even waiting until the marriage to a Prince before she loses weight? Never mind the Kate hand being unable to support a ring, we’re watching to see how long it is before her too-thin neck causes her head to tilt to one side – like Diana’s did!

Gulp! Is the ring haunted by an eating disorder!? Does Kate Middleton’s ring have bulemia?

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Posted: 13th, April 2011 | In: Key Posts, Royal Family | Comment (1)


Kate Middleton And Prince William Reveal Wedding Dress Nerves In Lancashire: Photos

PRINCE William and Princess Catherine were in Darwen, Lancashire. This was her final official engagement with Prince William before their wedding.

Kate pulls on a sensible high-street jacket, takes a deep breath before leaving her hermetically sealed life in Anglesey and gets to work in the regions.

(When Kate is married she will revert to her usual style of masses of bling, huge back-combed hair and Disney-themed shoes.)

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Posted: 11th, April 2011 | In: Key Posts, Royal Family | Comment


Dublin Landlord Who Banned Queen Elizabeth Arrested In Dublin

LAST time we saw the The Players Lounge, Fairview, in Dublin today, John Stokes, the father of Celtic player Anthony Stokes and the bar’s landlord, was sticking up a huge banner banning Her Majesty The Queen from entry during her tour of Ireland.

Today, the bar was hit by police during an organised crime raid. Stokes has been arrested on suspicion of possessing firearms.

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Posted: 8th, April 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Prince Charles Is Not OK! In Vanity Fair: Exclusive

AS Anorak readers you will know that OK! – “First For Celebrity News” – exists in that grey area where truth and fable collide. But in this week’s edition the magazine pushes the envelope of disingenuous reporting with a “ROYAL EXCLUSIVE” in which we are privy to an “AT HOME WITH HRH PRINCE CHARLES”.

Can it be that OK!, sister organ to the Daily Express, the paper that has done more to push the theory that Princess Diana’s was murdered, has scored an interview with the future King?

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Posted: 6th, April 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Royal Wedding Tat Watch: Teeth Rotting Love Hearts

ROYAL Wedding Tat Watch presents edible wedding stuff in the shape of Love Hearts. We are shown the one that is “JUST MARRIED”. The rest of the sweets in the tube say: “JE T’AIME”; “I 8 CPB”; “H 4 NE1”; “KISS ME KATE”; “I DO”; “I MIGHTS;”NO I F*****G WON’T”…

Posted: 5th, April 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment