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Royal Family | Anorak - Part 24

Royal Family Category

The Royal Family, the House of Windsor, in the news and on a horse

Royal Wedding Tat Watch: The Sick Bag

ROYAL Wedding Tat Watch: The Prince William and Kate Middleton Commemorative Sick Bag…

Spotter and maker: Lydia Leith

Posted: 16th, February 2011 | In: Key Posts, Royal Family | Comments (6)


Prince Harry Is Target Of Homophobic Abuse At Gay Club

PRINCE Harry has been to a gay bar in London’s Soho. The News of The World, enraged by former Sky Sports football pundit Andy Gray’s sexism of TV, peppers the story with these phrases:

“Ginger beer”

“…his shirt lifting out of his jeans.”

“Then, with muscly armed policemen in tow, he strolled past sex shops in London’s red light district before being driven home”…

“Harry, 26, usually leaves nightclubs by the back door…”

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Posted: 13th, February 2011 | In: Key Posts, Royal Family | Comment (1)


Kate Middleton Kidnapped In Amersham: Royal Wedding Watch

KATE Middleton has been kidnapped in Amersham, Bucks. Was she shopping for frumpery at local boutique Amber’s of Amersham? No. Kate was in a field by hundreds of children. Persons dressed in balaclavas approached and abducted her.

Prince William is there. He turns to the kidz and says, “Thank f***! She was diong’ my head right in.

No. That’s a joke. He appeals for help. Will the kids help him find Kate? There’s a badge in it, maybe. And a woggle. Two woggles if you find her intact. And Camilla got spare fags. Who’s in?

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Posted: 12th, February 2011 | In: Key Posts, Royal Family | Comments (8)


Royal Wedding Tat Watch: The JFK Julianne Moore

IS that Kate Middleton and Prince Williams on the Birmingham Mint’s Royal Wedding Coin? Or is it JFK marrying Julianne Moore..?

Posted: 11th, February 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comments (4)


Prince William And Kate Middleton Are Sid And Nancy: Photo

ROYAL Wedding Art Watch: Rich Simmons has created a mural on the Southbank in London in support of the upcoming royal wedding. Prince William is Sid Vicious to Kate Middleton’s Nancy Spungen.

Vicious is thought by many to have murdered Spungen. Not longer after his death he tried to commit suicide. Not long after that he died of a drugs overdose.

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Posted: 10th, February 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment (1)


Royal Wedding Tat Watch: Kiss Me Kate Beer

ROYAL Wedding Tat Watch: Castle Rock Brewery has created a commemorative beer called Kiss Me Kate. Castle Rock’s head brewer, Adrian Redgrove, bubble over:

Kiss Me Kate will be elegant, tasteful and British to the core. It’ll be brewed to 5%, pale in colour and, we’re sure it’ll be the ideal way to toast the couple’s future happiness.”

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Posted: 9th, February 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment (1)


Camilla Gives Kate Middleton A Spinning Wheel

THE Duchess of Cornwall’s day out in Wiltshire was notable for three things:

1. We now know that there is a Chairman of the village shop Committee. He’s called Guy Bagnett

2. Camilla is gearing up for Prince William’s wedding to Kate Middleton by learning how to work a wooden spinning wheel. Yep, like in the fairytales. This might not bode well for Kate should her future step-mother-in-law give her a spinning wheel for a wedding fit and leave a few sharp edges on which fingers may be pricked. (Who needs a battered white Fiat Uno when you’ve a spinning wheel?)

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Posted: 7th, February 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Prince William Measured For His Wick

A MEMBER of the Stephen Friedman Gallery measures a life size wax model of Prince William by the artist Jennifer Rubell on show in London.  The statue is complete with a replica of his fiancee’s sapphire and diamond engagement ring attached to its forearm, will allow royal fans to pose as would-be Kate Middletons… (If you see Fergie…)

Posted: 7th, February 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment (1)


Diplomatic Protection Squad Get Tasers To Prod The Royal Family Into Action

TOP news is that should anyone poke Camilla with a stick – and she look like she’s not enjoying it – the Diplomatic Protection Squad will zap the perp with a Taser blast. What could possibly go wrong?

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Posted: 6th, February 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Royal Wedding Condoms For Your Prince Willy

IN readiness for the wedding for Prince Williams to Kate Middleton, we invite you to sport an themed condom. As thee blurb says:

“Like a Royal Wedding, intercourse with a loved one is an unforgettable occasion.”

The condoms are brought to you buy “the world’s leading supplier of heritage prophylactics“.

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Posted: 29th, January 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment (1)


Kate Middleton Is Beyond Parody: Just Ask Johann Hari, Rod Liddle And Talbot Church

KATE Middleton’s lessons in being unemployed Royal are progressing well. She’s already given up he job, thus putting on an equal footing with Prince Edward. And she’s not getting classes in history form TV history pundit Andrew Roberts. This is how journalism works:

The Independent Spoof:

Mindful that not everyone knows the proud history of the Royal Family, aides have asked pint-sized historian Andrew Roberts to talk the bride-to-be through the history of the House of Windsor. Talbot Church (aka Terence Blaker), Dec 15

The Joker:

The historian Andrew Roberts is to give Kate a lesson in the history of the House of Windsor. ‘Mainly German and not terribly bright’ should do it, I would have thought. Jan 1, Rod Liddle

The Independent Outrage:

It has been revealed that a far right-winger who blames concentration camps victims for their own deaths is giving history lessons to Britain’s future Queen, Kate Middleton. Rod Liddle discloses in passing here that Andrew Roberts is “tutoring” her in the run-up to the royal wedding. To find out just who this “historian” is, read my expose of him here. Johann Hari, January 10, 2011

The Facts:

Andrew Roberts has not been invited to give constitutional history or other lessons to Miss Middleton. There are no plans to approach Andrew Roberts. David Allen Green, Jan 11

The End:

A certain chilliness has entered relations between the palace and leading historian Andrew Roberts. When Roberts was asked to help Kate Middleton with her royal history, it was on the strict understanding that the arrangement would remain confidential. Within days The Spectator got wind that “historian Andrew Roberts is to give Kate a lesson in the history of the House of Windsor”. Amid hurried denials from Clarence House, future coaching lessons with Roberts are now said to be “on hold”. Talbot Church, Jan 12

The Princess:

kate-middleton-nice

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Posted: 25th, January 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comments (2)


Kate Middleton Gives Up Work To Prepare For Life As A Royal

BIG news iss that Kate Middleton has quit her job working for the family’s party firm to “throw herself full time into planning her wedding”.

The future Queen stepped down from her role at Party Pieces just before Christmas, royal aides confirmed today. One said: “She has handed over her work to colleagues and is now preparing for her future life.”

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Posted: 25th, January 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comments (4)


Denmark’s Crown Princess Mary And Crown Prince Frederik Have Twins: Photos

WHAT news from Denmark, land of Johnny Jensen, bacon and one bag of wool? Well, Crown Princess Mary (born Mary Elizabeth Donaldson in Australia) and Crown Prince Frederik of Denmark (born Frederik Andre Henrik Christian) are showing off their twins outside the Rigshospitalet hospital in Copenhagen. They’ve had a boy and a girl.

Kate Middleton is under no pressure whatsoever…

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Crown Princess Mary, and Crown Prince Frederik of Denmark, leave the Rigshospitalet in Copenhagen with their new baby twins, a boy and a girl, born last Saturday morning.

Posted: 14th, January 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Royal Wedding Route Revealed: Students Excitedly Grab Barge Poles

STUDENTS – to your marks: St James’s Palace have confirmed the route that Prince William and Kate Middleton will use when they travel to and from Westminster Abbey for their wedding.

News is that the knobs will be in open-topped carriages as they pass by Parliament Square, Whitehall, Horse Guards Parade and The Mall.

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Posted: 5th, January 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Prince Harry Spotted At PDC World Championship Of Darts: Photos And Debate

THE PDC World Championship of darts is proud to support Prince Harry. Prince Baseball Cap was with former England rugby player Will Greenwood at Alexandra Palace, London. This is one of the few palaces granny doesn’t own, but giving the austerity measures and lack of security about her Kensington pile she will contemplate a move for grimy north London once the smell of cheese nachos has expired.

Meanwhile, the conversation turns to whether or not spotting Prince Harry in public qualifies it as an actual sport? We say it does. It’s a sport if you want it to be one.

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Posted: 2nd, January 2011 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Royal Family Christmas Photos: Prince Edward Gets Useful

SO. There they were, the Earl and Countess of Wessex – the Weed In Tweed and the former topless stunna. You can wait an entire year to see Eddie. And then, as if by magic, he’s there. It was the Christmas Day service at St Mary Magdalene Church, on the royal estate at Sandringham in Norfolk. Sophie Wessex wore a small plum duff on her head, which due to the hot lights of the photographers flashbulbs, began to slide. But no worries. Eddie, armed with his trademark silver spoon, would step in to avert disaster…

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Queen Elizabeth II receives flowers after attending St Mary Magdalene Church, on the royal estate in Sandringham, Norfolk for the Christmas Day church service.

Posted: 26th, December 2010 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Prince William’s Adam’s Apple Goes Bjork: The Royal Mint’s Coin Con

PRINCE William’s adam’s apple and lustrous hair are joined by Kate Middleton on the five pound Royal Mint celebrity wedding coin. As they say at court: Laryngeal Prominence et WTF!?

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Posted: 23rd, December 2010 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Zara Phillips And Mike Tindall Sell Wedding Rights To Hello!?

IT our joy to announce that Mr Mike Tindall (of the Swollen Face Tindalls) is engaged to Zara Phillips (of the Windsor-Munsters, Hello! magazine and an equestrian champion riding WG Grace’s Watersports Videos to much glory) are to be married. There is much joy. (Prince William and Kate Middleton will be recycling gifts and leftovers.)

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File photo dated 04/05/2007 of Zara Phillips and boyfriend Mike Tindall kissing.

Posted: 21st, December 2010 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Kate Middleton Does Teenage Cancer Like Prince Diana: Photos

PRINCE William and Kate Middleton arrived together for a Christmas Spectacular and Reception in aid of Teenager Cancer Trust at the Thursford Collection, Thursford, Norfolk. A cue, then, for the BBC news’s mawkish, whispering, creepy Nicholas Witchell to front a report into how Princess Diana was linked to the same charity, wore her hair in a bun, had a school friend called Kate and was a great friend and cause of comfort to sufferers of ingrown toenails.

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Posted: 18th, December 2010 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Prince Charles And Sophie Okonedo Bring Much Drama To The Palace

PRINCE Charles passed the day with the Royal investitures. Chief among them was actress Sophie Okonedo, now Sophie Okonedo OBE. When Charles gave it to her, she dropped it. Then she picked it up. It’s what passes for drama when Charles isn’t doing an impression of Bugsy Malone in his big car…

Posted: 17th, December 2010 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Hurrah For The Students: Prince Charles And Camilla Make For A Unifying Target

THE student protests against a rise in university fees have been reduced in the mainstream media to a fight between the violent minority and the police.

The other big thread is that the Rolls Royce carrying the hypocrite Prince Charles and his lady wife Camilla was attacked. (Did anti-warming campaign Charles having the car’s heating on while the window was wound down to take in the atmosphere?)

Had the Queen been in the car, we’d have cared. The country would have been split. Condemnation would be rife and moods foreboding. But Charles and Camilla do not excite much sympathy, do they?

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Posted: 13th, December 2010 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Video Of Prince Charles And Camilla Being Attacked In Regent Street

HERE’S a video of Prince Charles and his fragrant wife Camilla being attacked by student fees protesters as they motor down Regent Street – their street – in central London.

Charles and Camilla are making their serene way to the theater, where they will watch the Royal Variety Show. (They missed Corrie live – and failed to see Molly (based on Camilla) telling her lover’s wife Sally (Diana) that she’d been shagging Kevin (Charles). Still, good night out – memorable, even…

Photos:

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Police clash with protesters in Parliament Square, London, as part of a protest against the rise of university tuition fees.

Posted: 11th, December 2010 | In: Key Posts, Royal Family | Comments (8)


Prince Charles And Police Intelligence: Students Outwit Soft Targets

STUDENTS outwitted Prince Charles and the police. This is a job akin to finding your arse with both hands. But, still, good to see that the students are brighter than the future head of state and the people who keep the streets safe.

Richard North adds:

ONE would like to think that those who attempted to trash Charlie’s car last night were protesting against his green idiocy. We can all dream, but that one would be more of a fantasy. Several things do emerge from the incident, however – not least that so unprepared was the Prince that he had to be warned to wind up his window to stop attackers throwing things inside the car.

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Posted: 10th, December 2010 | In: Royal Family | Comment (1)


Coronation Street Live Activists Try To Free Camilla And Charles From Night At Royal Variety Show: Photos

THE anti-Royal Variety Performance campaigners were not enough to save Prince Charles and Camilla from an evening spent with the N-Dubz, Mark Owen and comedy’s very own Mr Johnny Boden, Michael McIntyre. Says a spokesman for the masked activist network:

“We knew Coronation Street Live was on and that Camilla was a big fan. To see her hermetically sealed inside that mobile fish tank was a scandal and an outrage. We tried and tried to bust her out but it was no use. The glass was just too tough. Sorry, ma’am.”

Says Camilla:

“Never again. Please.”

Posted: 10th, December 2010 | In: Royal Family | Comments (2)


Caption This: Prince Charles And Camilla Attacked

ON their way one mile up the road to watch the Royal Variety Performance green activist Prince Charles and Camilla’s big car and convoy is attacked by students. Any idea for a caption?

Posted: 9th, December 2010 | In: Royal Family | Comments (14)