Royal Family | Anorak - Part 30

Royal Family Category

The Royal Family, the House of Windsor, in the news and on a horse

Princess Diana: The Summer Wine Years


Finally the truth is out.

The Star says Princess Diana wore a wig to meet her former lover Hasnat Khan in Ronnie Scott’s Jazz Club, London. Had the wig not been topped by a discreet crown, Mr Hasnat might not have recognised her.

But we have seen Diana is disguise. And in our new book Diana: I Was Compo, Anorak explores how Diana played the part of lovable rogue Compo in TV’s Last Of The Summer Wine for three seasons…

Princess Diana 

Posted: 4th, March 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment

Princess Diana, Hasnat Khan And Al Fayed’s Protection Money

di-khan.pngIT’S 3839 AD (After Diana) and there is news of the princess’s love life, as ever there was and will be.

“Diana dumped me for Dodi, says Hasnet,” says the Express on its front page.

For purposes of recognition, Diana wears a black dress and pearl-drop earrings. At first look, she appears alive, waiting for the photographer to reload his film and give her a break from being the country’s celebrity princess. But no break comes.

(Anorak readers can read Diana: The Cover Girl Years, a book in which a selection of the only people never to have met Diana comment on her hairstyles over the past ten years.)

Today’s Diana news also features on the Mail’s foremost page, where Diana is dressed in a white shroud-like robe. To her side is Dr Hasnat Khan, the man she dumped because she was “dazzled by the Fayed family fortune”.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 4th, March 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Prince Harry Wants To Be Like Everyone Else

RECESS Monkey says that Prince Harry would like to be treated just like everyone else save for:

…primogeniture, corporation tax, inheritance tax, capital gains tax and wildlife protection laws.

Tim responds:

Primogeniture means that it’s his older brother who will inherit. So, fair enough, he might be against it. The corporation, inheritance and CGT issues: well, they’re all to do with the Duchy of Cornwall. Which, as a result of the primogeniture issue won’t go to Harry, but to, umm, his older brother.

As for assassinating wildlife, that’s what the aristocracy is for, isn’t it


Posted: 3rd, March 2008 | In: Money, Royal Family | Comment

Prince Harry Earns His Promotion To Bikini Blast

prince-william-harry1.jpgONE man’s pay packet is the nation’s front-page news as the Mirror leads with: “£11 RISE FOR HARRY.”

Young Prince Harry Baseball Cap has been promoted to the rank of Lieutenant and seen his wages rocket by £11 a day.

A look over the menu at Mayfair’s Mahiki venue reveals that Harry can afford one daily glass of Moh’hee’toh (£10.50) as the sun sets over the yard arm, with enough spare change for a toilet wallah’s tip.

Save up and it’s a Bikini Blast (£22) restorative. And save harder still for a Mahiki Treasure Chest (£100), “the one the generals drink.”

“Will he ever see action again?” asks the Mail on its cover. Well, if he drinks enough Harry may feel a little punchy, and the paparazzi may care to step back.

On closer inspection, it turns out the Mail is talking of Harry’s war record and wondering if her will make a return to the front line.

What’s Next For Harry? 

Given the secrecy levels afforded to his last deployment, it is unlikely the Mail will be able to form a definitive answer. So we wonder. “What’s next for Harry?” asks the Mirror.

Well, Mahiki doesn’t open until 5.30 this Saturday, so we’d place our money on a trip to Boujis (Evens). Killing a Stag (3-1). Hooking up with Chelsy and going on holiday (8-11). Or following in his mother’s footsteps and starting a new life in Bahrain (5-1).

Expert opinion is needed. So the Mail invites Royal Raspberry James Whitaker to suggest Harry will stay in the Army. And someone called Malcolm Dawkins says Harry should settle in South Africa. Harry, it turns out, is the same age as Dawkins’ son Ross who is studying wine-making at Stellenbosch University near Cape Town, and making his dad proud.

It’s an idea. Especially if the college does a course on cocktail making…

Posted: 3rd, March 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Jon Snow Has ‘No Contact With Ordinary Human Feeling’

JON Snow has in an instant shown what is wrong with the self-aggrandizing media elite:

Using the oldest and falsest royal chestnut, he accused the editors who had made the agreement of seeking knighthoods. He must know that, except for a few restricted orders in the Queen’s personal gift, honours come from a system controlled by the Prime Minister.

Then Snow claimed to be horrified that so much fuss was being made to do a special favour to “so small a thing as a prince”. What other free country would connive at such a cover-up, he wondered?

Why, he jeered, did Prince Harry have to be a soldier anyway? “He could do banking.” Were the press so servile, asked Snow, with an absurdity of bad taste, that “if he gets injured or shot dead, the papers wouldn’t report that”?

The three people on the show – the editor who had brokered the deal, a Tory MP and a man who had served recently in the Army – looked at Snow almost with incomprehension.

It was one of those moments when one realised that some media people have no contact with ordinary human feeling. Prince Harry was not being given a privilege. His situation was unique.

More here 

Posted: 2nd, March 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Royal Family | Comments (3)

Hunting With Harry: Prince Harry At Highgrove

prince-harry-hat.jpgPRINCE Harry’s War. Scene III. A room in highgrove house…

MAIL: (loudly) HARRY’S HOME. (Purses lips) Chelsy makes 200-mile dash for a romantic reunion.. and to talk about their relationship. (The clack of marmalade-coated tongues can be heard)
Were you so terribly lonely, Harry?

EXPRESS: Harry’s home and Chelsy’s waiting

Where the f*** have you been. Ten week’s I’ve been sat ‘ere!?

MIRROR: (Standing to attention and reading from a small black notebook) She “was out night-clubbing until the early hours before packing her stuff and dashing down the motorway to see Harry… The blonde danced the night away at Rio’s nightclub in the centre of Leeds with a group of mainly female friends until after 4am.

Harry stares at the wall 

She looked stunning in a black dress at the club, which costs £10 to get in. Under six hours later she emerged from her student digs in the city and dragged a huge blue case to her car.

Nothing moves, save for the TV images of Ross Kemp on Gangs 

Clutching hair straigheners and a folder of college work, she also placed her beloved mongrel puppy into the passenger seat.


STAR ON SUNDAY: Harry’s home

Harry’s back at Boujis

OBSERVER: (Wearing ‘We’re all Hezbollah’ now T-shirt) Harry tells of ‘anguish’ over injured heroes

Did you record it, Chelsy? What about the EastEnders omnibus?


SUNDAY MAIL: “There was outrage in Australia last week when Central Coast Mariners star Andre Gumprecht dressed up as Hitler at a club party. The 33-year-old German followed Prince Harry’s lead by turning up in a Nazi uniform and even went a step further by sporting a dodgy moustache.

Will they never leave him be. Why do they stare?!


A cave.

GEORGE GALLOWAY: Prince Harry was saying on TV that he was engaging the enemy. I don’t know about you, but I have no enemies in Afghanistan. The Taliban are not the enemy for me.

Lights dim. The sound of thunder and a white Fiat Uno starting up  

Posted: 2nd, March 2008 | In: Royal Family | Comment

Prince Harry And Jon Snow’s Enigma

PRINCE Harry and media padre Jon Snow’s reaction to news that young Baseball Cap was fighting in Afghanistan:

A question I’d like to put to Jon Snow, the chief news reader of Channel 4 news and usually a fairly cool-headed fellow, is whether he would have complied with any wartime requests to keep the Enigma achievement a secret, had he been a working journalist in the 1940s. Judging by his antics over the Prince Harry and Afghanistan episode, the answer to that question would be a no.

Anyone else like Snow to be sent to the frontline..?

Posted: 2nd, March 2008 | In: Royal Family | Comments (3)

Hunting With Harry: The War On Terror Won, Prince Harry Returns Home

harry-hunting.pngPRINCE Harry’s War. Scene II: We rejoin the action on the tarmac at Brize Norton airbase. The UK Media Corps is discussing the news that Prince Harry is returned home a hero after winning the War on Terror.

Now read on…

ALL: THEY say Harry is back. He walks among us…

MEDIA CORPS: Tally-ban!


Shhh! Those “British fanatics” might hear you and take it as a call to arms

STAR (Private): HARRY IS TOP TERROR TARGET – Prince home but not safe

Quick! To Boujis. It’s a lock in. Hurry!


They say he is covered in a teflon coating and he has a heart twice the size of a normal man

THE TIMES (Major): The Prince returns a hero and an enemy

TELEGRAPH (Brigadier, retired): Let me go back, please Harry

But, Harry, it’s Boujis. You remmber, Boujis? Oh, how the war changes them

GUARDIAN (Peace Corps): Dirty Harry – dog of war, or prince of public relations?

Harry run. A price is on your head. Max Clifford and the Taliban are after you. Run, Harry, run…

Caption Contest – With a prize

Prince Harry

Posted: 1st, March 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (6)

Prince William Already With Royal Navy In Afghanistan: Breaking

prince-william-harry.jpgPRINCE William is off to war.

With the spare retuned, the heir can now move freely about the enemy, slaughtering them at will. Hurrah!

The Sun says Wills is to serve aboard a Royal Navy warship. More details are not given.

We will need to wait for our allies in the US to pinpoint Wills’ exact location and make it public knowledge.

For any Taliban looking in, Anorak can revels that Afghanistan is a landlocked a country and Wills will be onboard a “frigate” or a “destroyer”.

Posted: 1st, March 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Prince Harry Lands At Brize Norton

PRINCE Harry lands at Brize Norton tomorrow.

Book the booth at Boijis.


Posted: 29th, February 2008 | In: Royal Family | Comment

Matt Drudge Is An Idiot, So Too Jon Snow

AS Perry writes on Samizdata: “The Ministry of Defence is to be commended (not often I write that) for the way they have handled Prince Harry going to Afghanistan. Aware that knowledge of his presence would greatly increase the risk to him and those serving with him (killing a Royal Prince would be a propaganda coup for the Taliban), they hid the fact for ten weeks, which is no small feat in this day and age. Their tactic was to both appeal to reason and to in effect ‘buy off’ the highly competitive UK media by promising juicy photos of Harry if they kept their collective cakeholes shut whilst he was deployed… quite clever really and it is a credit to the wiser heads amongst the UK press that they could see there was no broader ‘public interest’ at stake here (quite the opposite in fact).”

I am all for the media and new media reporting the news and in particular news that the powers-that-be might be discomforted by. However reporting a wartime operation detail likely to increase the chance particular group of serving soldiers will attacked by the enemy (namely revealing the presence of a political ‘high value target’ in the war zone) fall way outside acceptable behaviour. Even if you oppose the war, such behaviour suggest you are not so much against the war as actually on the other side. It is at the very least socially despicable and quite frankly giving aid to an enemy in wartime. Unsurprisingly that is something far beyond the ken of a dim bulb like that self-important idiotarian ass Jon Snow.

MATT Drudge and the German Newspapers were not the first to mention where Prince Harry had been deployed, that dubious ‘honour’ goes to the Australian publication New Idea, who have at least expressed regret that they blew Prince Harry’s cover, suggesting they may be guilt of a lack of thought rather than callous disregard for someone’s safety in a war zone. The MoD kept quiet when New Ideafirst broke the story, suggesting they rather sensibly assumed an Australian woman’s magazine was probably not high on the reading list of many Muslim fundamentalists and indeed it took over a month for it to get picked up elsewhere. But the person who really moved this into wider circulation and got the story picked up globally was Matt Drudge. Although the Berliner Kurier and Bild also reported this, Drudge was at some point claiming this as an ‘exclusive’ and claiming the ‘credit’ for himself, so I willtake him at his word and call him an honourless shit in that case.

Perry is right. Drudge is a pillock. And Jon Snow is a fool…

Prince Harry Plays At Tabloid Soldiers: Matt Drudge Reads New Ideas

Posted: 29th, February 2008 | In: Royal Family | Comment (1)

Prince Harry Plays At Tabloid Soldiers: Matt Drudge Reads New Ideas

prince-harry.jpgWE join the action in the wastes of Helmland Province, Afghanistan. The UK Media Corps is discussing the news that Prince Harry has been fighting the Taliban, something they all knew weeks ago but which was made public by New Ideas magazine in January, an Australian woman’s weekly- and claimed as a scoop in March by the self-serving Matt Drudge:

PSSST! They say Prince Harry is in Afghanistan.

MEDIA CORPS: Hurrah! Tally-ban!




EXPRESS: “Harry and the Gurkas give the Taliban a pasting.”

Keep it down, lads. Mindless chatter costs lives and..

SUN (Private): “ONE OF OUR BOYS. Frontline prince kills 30 Taliban.
MIRROR (Corporal): MY WAR

It’s Operation Harry. All the lads have pulled on their regulation issue Harry Hair and to the cry “I’m Harry Windsor” attracted the Taliban from their fox holes and caves, so facilitating an easier slaughter?


Keep it down. We can’t have the enemy knowing Harry’s secret call sign…

SUN: “Wills says mum would be so proud.”

Diana was ever one for the Army. And khaki is this year’s black…


Don’t be so hard on yourself, Harry

SUN: Tears on the phone to his Chelsy”

ANDY McNAB (Professional Shoadow): “I’m gutted for Prince Harry. I really feel for the fella as reports from the front line were that he’d been doing a sensational job… but the foreign press who leaked the tour of duty have now blown Harry’s chances out of the water…The leak has now thrown a potential hand-grenade into his career.”

Take cover!

MAIL (Lieutenant): “Harry puts his life on the line”

JON SNOW (Padre): “I never thought I’d find myself saying thank God for Drudge”
Because he broke the secret – the one many in the UK media already knew – that Harry was in Afghanistan? Because Jon Snow was wondering where Harry had got to? Because Jon Snow is a sanctimonies handwringer, the media’s in-house vicar?

(Jon Snow may care to know that the story was not broken by the self-serving Matt Drudge but by weekly women’s magazine New Idea)

MAIL: “Harry calls in an air strike”

4 Horseferry Road, London…

ALL: Incoming!!!!

Posted: 29th, February 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (7)

That Prince Harry Interview And The Boredom Of War

PRINCE Harry is in conversatison from the trenches. Says the Times:
“Prince Harry explained life on the frontline from the forward Operating Base, Delhi, Afghanistan on January 1, 2008”:

How are you finding Delhi?

“Delhi is fantastic, I started off with a week in Dwyer, flew from Kandahar to Dwyer, spent a week in Dwyer and then asked the Commanding Officer if I could come down here and spend Christmas with the Gurkhas because I had spent some time with them in England on exercise on Salisbury.

“Everyone is really well looked-after here by the Gurkhas, the food is fantastic – goat curries, chicken curries – probably shouldn’t say goat curries, but yeah, it’s really good fun and, yeah, we’re really well looked after.”

You said before you came out that you were very keen to get out on patrol. Were you surprised to be so far forward so soon?

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 29th, February 2008 | In: Royal Family | Comment

Prince Harry Is Fighting In Afghanistan: Tally-Ban


Young Prince Harry Baseball Cap is in the trenches with the lads.

He was deployed 10 weeks ago and his fellow soldiers were sworn to secrecy.

Chief of the General Staff Sir Richard Dannatt, who is head of the British Army, says he is disappointed the news had leaked.

“I am very disappointed that foreign websites have decided to run this story without consulting us. This is in stark contrast to the highly responsible attitude that the whole of the UK print and broadcast media, along with a small number overseas, who have entered into an understanding with us over the coverage of Prince Harry on operations.”

Of course, it may all be a ruse. Harry has a price on his ginger head. But the plan is afoot.

The British Army has been issued with regulation ginger fright wigs. Each will don their Harry Hair and thus flush the rabid enemy from fox hole and cave. This will make them easier to slaugher. Harry will be the hero.




Posted: 28th, February 2008 | In: Royal Family | Comments (7)

The Prince Of Wales Chews The Fat On Foie Gras

CONTINUING the ocassional series “The Royals – They’re Just Like You And Me”.

A Clarence House spokesman tells us, via the Express: “The Prince of Wales has a policy that the chefs do not pcrchase foie gras.”

We urge all readers to follow his lead…

Posted: 27th, February 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (6)

Paul Burrell’s ‘Gay Sex’ Cabaret With Princess Diana

diana-burrell.jpgSAYS the News of the World: “’Diana’s rock’ Paul Burrell trawls saunas for gay sex.”

Paul Burrell is “treacherous”. Paul Burrell is “sordid”. Paul Burrell is “slimy”. And in words that could come from the mouth of Mohamed al Fayed, Paul Burrell is “a secret predatory QUEEN”.

Says “a close pal”: “I saw him pick up countless men using his royal chat to lure them to bed.”

The paper says Burrell “SEDUCED a male pal of stargazer Russell Grant”.

Says the source:

“Paul IS a greedy liar, a devious snake. He’s also ruthless and selfish. He’s always made out that he’s this happily-married family man when in reality he’s gay and only interested in sex with men. He told me he hadn’t slept with Maria for years. He’s constantly on the lookout for gay pick-ups all over the world. And he shamelessly uses his back catalogue of Diana stories to hook his targets.”

Most sensational of all, Paul Burrell “was a ticking gay timebomb at home and at work”. One wrong move and – kaboom! – Burrell would blow. In Burrell: The Bomb, learn how this was the triger for Diana’s anti-landmine campaign.

Of one encounter we are told: “Paul went to the hotel gym and announced he was going ‘cruising’ in the sauna. He emerged about half an hour later with a really bloodshot eye—the result of a slip-up while giving a man oral sex. He just told Maria that he’d accidentally been poked in the eye!”

These are all just allegations, no more. Mr Burrell’s reaction to them is not recorded. And we may only know the truth when Burrell releases his book Burrell: Diana The Gay Icon.

The book will detail how it was Burrell’s duty to tell us how he and Diana would dress up as Liza Minnelli and Master of Ceremonies Joel Gray and sing Cabaret before a room full of Corgis dressed as Nazis, including one very tall dog called Philip…

Posted: 24th, February 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment

Prince William, Mr Benn And Kate’s New Princess Diana

mr-wills-mr-benn.jpgPRINCE William and Kate Middleton are cooling things orf.

The News of the World reports that “he wants to put their love on hold while he concentrates on his military training”.

Having worked in the City, the Army, the Peace Corps and as an impresario, Wills is now learning to fly with the RAF.

Wills is not unlike Mr Benn, the children’s TV character who pops into a costumiers and by the process of magic gets in character and lives the dream for a while before moving on to the next adventure.

After the RAF, Wills will try his luck as a clown, a Prince Edward look-alike and a butler.

But before that he’s got the jets and with it the lifestyle of a single man as he agrees a “SECRET PACT” in which he and Kate will have little contact over the next year.

This will get Kate ready for a life married to a taciturn royal, as she adopts the Diana position.

A source says: “William has told Kate if they can survive this long stint apart then he’ll propose to her.”

She should watch the Telegraph’s Court Circular page for further updates, or, and Wills is ever the modern royal, the fax machine…

Posted: 24th, February 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (7)

The Trials Of Paul Burrell And Princess Diana

burrell-book.jpgPAUL Burrell is in the newspapers.

“Burrell is recalled by judge,” says the Sun’s front page.

“NOW TELL THE TRUTH, BURRELL,” commands the Express on its cover.

The Diana inquest coroner, Lord Justice Scott Baker, has written to Burrell’s solicitor, asking him to return to London from Florida to explain himself and tell the truth.

The Express says that if found guilty of perjury could face up to 10 years in jail. “If” and “could” in the same line. Finally the Diana inquest is making progress.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 23rd, February 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Diana Another Day: MI6 C Section Sensation

diana-bond.jpgKILLED by SPECTRE under orders from Cock Robin and the man with The Grassy Knoll, we can reveal that Princess Diana was not murdered by MI6.

This was an idea touched upon in the book Paul Burrell: What Roger Moore Told Me. And now the Sun hears it confirmed by former “master spy” Sir Richard Dearlove.

The Sun listens in as Sir Richard addresses the Princess Diana inquiry.

Brace yourselves for a “fascinating insight into the working of the intelligence service”.

Come closer. Closer. Know that Sir Richard’s code name was “C” for…“Chief”. The Times leads with news that ten MI6 members have bene requested to appear at the inquest, the list thought to feature Chief Secretary Intelligence (CSI), District Organisational Zone Yemen head (DOZY) and Tim.

The paper says C was director of operations command of the “James Bond organisation” when Diana died. The James Bond thing is a myth.

C says there was no plot to kill Diana (D), listen to Diana nor become romantically entwined with Diana an an ocean liner (P&O), a plane (BA) or on a moving train (RMT)…

Posted: 21st, February 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Definitely Maybe Princess Diana Was Murdered

murder.jpgFOLLOWING Al Fayed’s “He Duns It” show at the High Court, it is the turn of Dodi Fayed’s “US assistant” Melissa Henning to take the stand.

(Yes, yes, we’ll get to you in a minute. Patience. Everyone will get their say.)

Via the Mirror, Di-ana-rakians hear Ms Hennigns say how Dodi Fayed “‘deeply believed a Royal Family plot to kill her was possibility.”

Believe, Possible. Maybe…

Posted: 20th, February 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (10)

Mohamed Al Fayed’s Off The Cuff Remarks

alfayed.jpgMOHAMED al Fayed is on the cover of the nation’s newspapers. Mohamed al Fayed has been speaking about all things Princess Diana and Dodi. Mohammed al Fayed, he says lots.

For reasons unexplained, Mr Fayed has chosen the moment of his greatest attraction to dispense with his usual outfit of skin-tight double-breasted suit and vomit-‘n’-cuff shirts, those stripy shirts with white collar and cuffs he has made his own. Fayed appears in a dark blue suit with large check pattern, and a similarly designed shirt over a blue turtleneck top.

In all papers, Mr Fayed is pictured raising his hand to the air like Topol’s impish wife asking him off the bloody roof get, or else looking like a very small man pleading with the much taller sweetshop owner to help him reach the top shelf.

The news:


“Charles wanted Di dead to wed Camilla,” and baked in a pie with all the poor blackbirds, innit, like Robert Kilroy-Silk, Elvis, Anthea Turner and Lee Harvey Oswald?

“Philip’s a Nazi..go back to Germany!” – He like Ken Hitler to that fuggign Klaus Barbie woman. That Osama bin Laden and Philip have never been seen in same room at same time. Shock. Is truth!

DOILY MAIL: “Al Fayed tells inquest Prince Philip’s a racist Nazi called Frankenstein, Camilla is a crocodile and royals are a ‘Dracula family’.” Still he insists.. I’M NOT MAD”.



DOILY ESPRESS: “’Prince Philip and Blair ordered murder. And the Queen, he adds, bought off Burrell”

It’s all just so fanciful that , given how implausible life can be – see the tabloids every day – there remains the chance that Mr Fayed is hitting upon some kind of truth.

If you can spot it – and if the agents from SPECTRE don’t get you first – let us know what the truth is…

Posted: 19th, February 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (9)

Mohammed AL Fayed On Princess Diana, Philip Frankenstein And Reptilian Royals

MR Al-Fayed is at the High Court.

Says he: “It’s time to send him back to Germany from where he comes. You want to know his original name? It ends with Frankenstein.”

We check the facts. Prince Philippos of Greece was born…

“She told me that she knew Prince Philip and Prince Charles were trying to get rid of her.” The Roayls? “”That Dracula family.” And Camilla “his crocodile wife”. Someone call David Icke.

Still checking…

“Diana told me on the telephone that she was pregnant. I’m the only person they told. They told me they were engaged and would announce their engagement on Monday morning. She would speak to her sons when she returned from Paris.”

Shall we check that, too?

“You want me to get the proof but I am facing a steel wall from the security services. I have been fighting for 10 years to be where we are.”

Still checking…

Mr Al Fayed has a theory. Anything could have happened. Although not that his son died because he was not wearing a seat belt, in a car driven well in excess of the speed limit, by a driver who had nearly three times the permitted amount of alcohol in his blood. That is utter madnsss…

Posted: 18th, February 2008 | In: Royal Family | Comments (10)

Paul Burrell ‘Lied’ Over Princess Diana

the-rock1.jpgPAUL Burrell: “I lied to Di inquest.” It is time for Paul Burrell to break his silence.

The Sun has seen a video. It’s an exclusive. The Telegraph has seen it too.

Before Burrell: Royal Lies can hit the shelves, Burrell is on a video. The Sun says it was “uncovered”, but declines to say how.

For the tape, Burrell is, as is alleged, heard to, say: “I told the truth as far as I could — but I didn’t tell the whole truth. Perjury is not a nice thing to have to contemplate.”

Burrell: My Perjury – In this week’s instalment Burrell recalls how he and Diana’s lover Atticus Finch never believed Tom Robinson guilty of rape and made his stand accordingly…

He goes on: “I was very naughty and I made a couple of red herrings, and I couldn’t help doing it. I know you shouldn’t play with justice and I know it’s illegal and I realise how serious it is. Maybe I didn’t tell the whole truth.”

Burrell: My Whole Truth will be Paul Burrell’s fifteenth book on his time with Princess Diana and her quest to win the X Factor…

Says Burrell: “Do you honestly think I am actually going to sit there in a court of law and tip out my guts and tell them? That’s what he wanted me to do — the judge — to actually tell them what I know, all the secrets. No! You know me better than that.”

Burrell: My Integrity is a work based on Princess Diana’s time working undercover at a garden centre in East Grinstead…

“Do you honestly think I’ve told everything I know? Of course I haven’t,” he goes on. “Do you honestly think I am actually going to sit there in a court of law and tip out my guts and tell them? That’s what he wanted me to do — the judge — to actually tell them what I know, all the secrets. No! You know me better than that.”

Burrell: My Guts is the story of one man who can stomach no more…

Says Burrell: “They don’t get it in Britain. They think I’m living off the death of the Princess and off her name. I don’t have a Princess Diana doll that I am selling throughout America. I would make a fortune. But I don’t do that. So I get tarred and feathered for things I haven’t done. My brand isn’t in Britain, I will never be forgotten in Britain.”

Burrell: What A Doll reveals a different secret with each pull of the string…

Says Burrell: “Quite frankly, Britain can f*** off. I don’t want to go back to Britain. The crunch will be when the Queen dies and Charles becomes King and ‘She’ becomes Queen. At that time I will be very happy to give back my British passport. It’s either that or to chain myself to the railings of Buckingham Palace.”

Burrell: My Suffrage – the story the Queen Mother’s romance with the Pankhurst girls

“Greedy Burrell” goes on: “That’s why I am here (in the US) indefinitely. I was here today to close a deal with my jewellery — royal jewellery I designed myself, just diamonds. I keep adding to my licensing programme. I don’t have to think about Britain any more. Britain’s a tiny little place.”

Burrell: The UK Is Shrinking – A Global Warming Crisis is available in hardback…

Posted: 18th, February 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (2)

HooRAH Henry, Prince William’s Oasis Is Shattered

prince-william.jpgPRINCE William and Prince Harry are RAHS.

This, as Grazia magazine tells us, means they are “Royals And Heiresses”. They are HooRAH Henrys. No big departure for HooRAY Henrys (Rich And Young), but on such details are the reputations of magazines made.

Wills and Harry Baseball Cap are also “the new Noel and Liam”, believed not to be Irish footballer of yore Liam Brady and resurgent TV personality Noel Edmonds, rather Liam and Noel Gallagher, popular singers and champions of wrapping up in a chill wind. (“Hoods and Anoraks on, kids!” is their catchphrase.)

No sign of a scarf and woolly hat for Wills on the Mail’s front page, but he is sat before 14 bottles of alcopops and two pints of lager.

Can it be that having dabbled in the City, the Armed Forces and as a peacenik, Wills is now learning to be a hellraising rock ‘n’ roll star?

William and the clubber slashed with a bottle,” comes the headline. And we wonder some more.

“Our future king on a boys’ night out. An hour later in the same nightclub, a reveller is slashed with a broken bottle.”

Are the two things linked? “ROYAL EXCLUSIVE,” announces the Star on its front page. “WILLS GLASS ATTACK HORROR.”

Wills is on a “larger and vodka bender”. He is “caught up in a vicious attack”. There is a “bloodbath”.

To the Barracuda club in Newquay, Cornwall.

I WAS BOTTLED AT PRINCE WILLIAMS £1-A-DRINK PUB.” So says the Mirror’s front-page headline, which makes it seem as though Wills is drinking for research purposes, having opened a nice little boozer on the south coast.

But look out! Dan O’Callaghan has “just spotted Wills” and his. Dan is having a row with two men. A broken bottle is introduced to his face. And 25 stitches later (35 stitches, says the Mail) he is speaking to the Mirror.

“I watched Wills down £1 drinks… then thugs did THIS to my face,” says the headline, a neat surmising of the night’s events.

Are the two events linked? Did looking at Wills earn Dan a bottling, or glassing as the Star has it, exclusively?

In what way are the two things connected? We need to know. This one could run and run…

Posted: 14th, February 2008 | In: Grazia, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Fears Over Sienna Miller, The New Princess Diana

sienna-miller.jpgTO a courtroom in West London. Professional girlfriend Sienna Miller is addressing the gathered.

The Sun hears Miller recall the moment when Otis Ferry, son to Bryan Ferry, snatched the keys from two photographers’ cars “to stop them chasing his brother Isaac – who she was then dating – last year”.

Why did he do this? Says the Sun: “Ferry told cops he feared they would die like Princess Diana.”

Young Otis is not sent down, nor up, as his name demands, but cleared of criminal damage.

Sienna Miller survives to be blonde another day…

Posted: 12th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment (1)