Royal Family | Anorak - Part 30

Royal Family Category

The Royal Family, the House of Windsor, in the news and on a horse

Brass Neck: Timothy Laurence’s Stable Digs

anneandtimothy.pngAFTER yesterday’s expose on squalid living conditions at the Brize Norton military base, the sun presses its pug nose to the gates of Gatcombe Park.

And who lives there? Why, none other than Vice Admiral Timothy Laurence, husband to Princess Anne, son-in-law to Her Majesty the Queen and chief executive of Defence Estates.

The point seems to be that while “Our Boys” live in rat-infested slums, the boss resides in splendour.

It is a point well made. But who is to say that Laurence does not earn his money and deserve his ermine toilet paper and luxurious Matey bubble baths?

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Posted: 18th, April 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Princess Diana Inquest Fact Of The Day

diana-closeup.jpgTHE Princess Diana inquest cost us £13million, says the Star (12.5m echoes the Express) – or the price of twenty seven dresses, three winter getaways to the Mediterranean, two engagement rings and a new hair-do…

Posted: 16th, April 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Watching Paint Dry With Prince Edward And Sophie

prince-eddie.pngCALLING Prince Edward.

Calling Prince Edward.

Last call for Prince Edward.

Where the f*** is Prince Edward?

To the studio of artist Richard Stone, who has spent the past nine years capturing the marriage of Prince Eddie and Sophie in oil, paint and crayon.

“I didn’t ever discuss with Prince Edward show long it was going to take, but I never envisaged it would take me this long ,” says Stone in the Mail.

In that period three of the wedding party have shuffled off the canvas – Sophie’s mother, the Queen Mother and Princess Margaret.

Should Stone take much longer his work will get ever more simple. By the time Stone gets to Eddie, the prince will be resemble no more than a two-minute boiled egg in a check tank top, a rendition of children’s favourite Bod.

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Posted: 15th, April 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Mr McBean, MRSA And Canada Honours Its Dead At Rush Hour

war-on-terror-coffins.png“HARRY HERO GETS MRSA,” says the Sun’s front page, so adding some perspective to the War on Terror and meaning to Royal Marine Ben McBean.

Mr McBean is Prince Harry’s hero because Harry says he is a hero. McBean lost an arm and a leg in Afghanistan when a Taliban mine exploded.

McBean was taken to Selly Oak NHS hospital, where he was given the best treatment and a dose of MRSA, as is alleged.

To the Sun this is “SICKENING”. The NHS denies Mr McBean contracted MRSA in their care, and deep in the article the paper notes that he is in possession of ‘colonised’ MRSA and his wounds are not infected.

But who needs facts when the story fits in neatly with the Sun’s Help For Heroes campaign to salute our servicemen.

We need to honour and reward our armed forces. But do we do enough?

The pictures are of Canada saluting its War On Terror dead on a typically busy Canadian road and of Britain saluting its fallen in a traffic jam.

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Posted: 15th, April 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Princes Wills And Harry Hazza Turn The Boxers Blue And Royal Stag Do

prince_harry_stag-do.jpgPRINCE Harry wears “royal blue” boxer shorts.

Suitably reassured, we look to the Sun for other views on Pete Phillip’s stag do.

Before we do, Amii shows Sun readers her royal pink knickers and says: “They could have chosen to party in the Caribbean or a West End club, but they plumped for a pub on the Isle of White. Good on them – it proves they are just like the rest of us.”

But are you wearing royal blue boxers? And if you are, should you be?

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Posted: 14th, April 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Death Stalks Princess Anne’s Ex-Husband Mark Phillips

princess-anne.jpgPRINCESS Anne, equine daughter to Queen Elizabeth, is said to be odds with her horse-enthusiast ex-husband, Mark Phillips (what did he ever see in her?)

The New York Post looks at a story in The New York Times that says that three riders hoping to qualify for the US Olympic equestrian team have died during competitions in the US. Phillips is the team’s coach.

Know that nine more riders worldwide have died over the past year and half. No, not horses, the riders.

The Post says deaths are up “because the sport has become more popular and the jumping courses, some designed by Phillips himself, have become more challenging”.

“Phillips is about to be crucified as the halfwit menace,” says one British journalist.

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Posted: 11th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Royal Family | Comments (5)

Never Say Diana: Al Fayed Has Enough And Paul Burrell’s 10-Year Sentence

princess-diana-waving.pngPRINCESS Diana is dead. That’s just one of the things the latest inquest into her death has established.

Now Mohammed Al Fayed speaks out. Again.

“Enough is enough,” he says.

It may even be too much for Paul Burrell, the Rock-like limpid the Mail says will face a police inquiry over allegations he committed perjury during the inquest.

The paper says: “If found guilty, he could face ten years in jail.”

But as Burrell would no doubt put it, what has the last decade without Diana been if not a life sentence?

Posted: 9th, April 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Princess Diana, The Prototype David Beckham: ‘It Was Murder’

princess-diana-wedding-dress1.jpgIT’S 3873 AD (After Diana) and the papers carry news of the self-styled Princess of Hearts.

The Inquest into her death has closed. The ruling is that Princess Diana and Dodi Al Fayed were unlawfully killed due to the “gross negligence” of driver Henri Paul and the paparazzi. Diana was killed because she did not use her seatbelt.

The snappers are pictured on the Times’ cover page. They and Paul are the “usual suspects”.

The Telegraph leads with “Let that be the end, say Princes”. Readers learn that William and Harry “hope unlawful killing verdict will bring to a close speculation over mother’s death”.

“Now let her rest in peace,” says the Scotsman on its cover.

So that’s it, then. Goodbye Diana. You came. Your shook hands. You were blonde. You went on holiday. You were a prototype David Beckham.

But the Metro newspaper, one of London’s top hundred free daily newspapers, wonders: “Diana: The final verdict. Or is it?” There is the “threat of a legal challenge”.

Is there? Even the Express leads with “DIANA WAS KILLED UNLAWFULLY”, accepting that she was not murdered by a combination of Prince Philip, Chicago neo-Nazis and a flash photography.

‘It Was Murder’  

A spokesman for Dodi Fayed’s father, Mohamed Al Fayed says: “We’re looking at all possibilities.” No, not that Dodi and Diana were killed by the Queen Mother and Mr princess-diana.jpgGrassy Knoll. Well, not only that. Fayed in said to be investigating the possibility of pursuing a private prosecution against the paparazzi in the French courts.

The Times hears Mr Fayed’s statement: “The most important thing is that it’s murder.” The verdict was “unlawful killing”. But that’s not important. What is important is: “It has been a long fight to uncover the truth. I am not the only person who says they were murdered.”

Indeed not. There’s Keith Allen, father to one-hit wonder Lily Allen, who the Scotsman says has made a documentary about the inquest into the deaths of Diana and hopes it’s a hit at Cannes. He says: “To this day I absolutely believe that this wasn’t an accident. I just know.”

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Posted: 8th, April 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Paul Burrell And Heather Mills Tour Of Duty

burrell-mills-stage-show.pngSAYS Justice Scott Baker of Princess Diana’s “rock” Paul Burrell: “It was blindingly obvious, wasn’t it, that the evidence that he gave in this court was not the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

“He had written books, one was into its second edition, and in a number of ways he had cashed in on his selfserved position as having been Diana’s rock. All in all, you may think Burrell’s behaviour has been pretty shabby.

“You may think that a thread running through his evidence was the impression that he thought he was giving and a consideration of the impact whatever he said might have on any of his future enterprises.

“I advise you to proceed with caution especially when and if you are left with the impression that he only told you what he wanted you to hear.”

The Mirror nots that the coroner is heard reminding the jury that the 49-year-old has been described as “quite a porous rock”, given the number of the princess’s secrets he has leaked.
Says the Sun: “Former flunky Paul Burrell was yesterday branded a shabby, bitter, money-grabbing liar by the Diana inquest coroner.”

“What now for Paul Burrell – a US tour with Heather Mills?” asks the Scotsman.

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Posted: 2nd, April 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities, Royal Family | Comments (4)

Dan Brown’s Princess Diana Code And Dodi’s Baby

the-diana-code.pngPRINCESS Diana is today wearing a blue dress, gold earrings and a sunny disposition.

In “DIANA – Coroner says it wasn’t murder”, conspiracy theorists learn that the coroner in the Diana inquest can find not one shred of evidence to support the theory that Our Lady of the Immaculate Handbag was murdered.

Of course, this is grist to the mill for conspiracy theorists who know that they and the pigeons in the shopping precinct are privy to the truth.

Says the Mail: “After 89 days, £7million and 250 witnesses, Diana coroner decides what we all knew…she WASN’T murdered (and even Fayed’s lawyer’s agree).”

Indeed, dear readers, the Mail is in on it too.

“Di Judge Lashes The Liars,” says the Mirror’s front-page headline. But no, these are not those liars, those high-up Nazis, those MI5 operatives, those Royals, but they who say Diana was assassinated in an elaborate plot involving a car, a playboy and a tunnel.

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Posted: 1st, April 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Scaling The Heights: When Carla Bruni And Prince Philip’s Eyes Met

bruni-sarkozy-sex.jpgNICOLAS Sarkozy is sharing the platform (heels) with Her Majesty, Prince Philip and Carla Bruni.

La Bruni is not with Phil but the Guardian’s front-page picture of her looking at the Queen’s consort, a smile playing across her lips, suggests she longs to be. While Philip smiles broadly, Carla’s eyes sparkle. Sarkozy is looking into the camera, a man unnerved.

The Telegraph’s snips Sarkozy away and features only Phil’s noble profile and Bruni’s gaze. “Britain is enchanted by Madame Sarkozy,” says the Express on its cover. And Madame Sarkozy is enchanted by a Briton.

On the Times’ cover, Bruni is with Her Majesty, who is talking and pointing something out. But Carla has only eyes for Liz, her head a whirl of what hold this woman has over Philip, and how it can be slackened.

As the paper’s headline says: “When the Queen met Madame le President”. It’s a Lloyd-George-knew-my-father moment.

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Posted: 27th, March 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Politicians, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (2)

The Queen Brings Sarkozy To Elevated Heels

french-president-heels.jpgHER Majesty is meeting with M. Sarkozy:

All this is dressed up in glowing terms as, “a new Franco-British brotherhood,” with Nick telling us that we ought to get together as “we have the same enemies throughout the world.” Not quite right is that.

He forgot to count the French.


Posted: 26th, March 2008 | In: Politicians, Royal Family | Comments (2)

John McCain Calls Up Prince William To Iraq

prince-harry-mccain.pngSAYS John McCain: “I regret that Harry’s service was short-circuited by the unnecessary publication of his presence in Afghanistan.”

John McCain is talking about Prince Harry, leader of the Ronald McDonald Army.

“His willingness and his eagerness to serve provides an inspiration to other young men and women to serve the cause of freedom in Afghanistan.

“All of us Americans and British are proud of him. Americans admire the Royal Family. I respect and admire the Royal Family and I think those two young princes are very good role models.

“I would like to see Prince William serve if it is possible.”

Just as soon as Wills gets back from Baghdad, we’ll pass on the message from his would-be commander in chief…


Picture: via Jay

Posted: 21st, March 2008 | In: Politicians, Royal Family | Comment

Paul Burrell Is Attached To An Icon

paul-burrell-windsor.jpgPAUL Burrell is the Rock, appearing in furniture shop in Memphis, Tennessee.

The Sun sees him. He sees the Sun: “This is what happens when you are attached to an icon. You get followed wherever you go and people take your picture. That’s why I’ve come to live in America — the greatest country in the world because that doesn’t happen in America.”

Britney Spears nods. The Paul Burrell revelations keep on coming.

Says Burrell: “I tell it as it is, I tell it straight — that’s who I am, I can’t change who I am. I tell it as it is and some people don’t like that but I am telling the truth, just the truth.”

If people don’t want to hear that the late Prince Margaret told him in confidence that he was the son she always wanted, and truly had, then so be it. If they don’t want to hear that the Queen Mother would blush at the mention of Omar Sharif and carry in her pocket a picture of Dodi Fayed, then that it is not his problem. And if he did look at Diana’s notebook and see that she had written his name ‘King Paul’ and encircled it in a crown, then the truth does out.

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Posted: 13th, March 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Prince Harry Reloaded In Lego

lego-prince-harry.pngIT’S “Rambo royal Prince Harry”.

War changes you. That much is certain. Gone are Prince Harry Baseball Cap’s twinkling eyes, his ruddy complexion and his toothsome grin.

In its place are the alloyed features of a warrior. Eyes are black pits, windows on an inner hell. Unblinking. Staring. Not there. The skin is yellow, jaundiced by his time on the frontline.

Harry seems no longer a man. He is a shell. Hollow.

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Posted: 12th, March 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (2)

New Pictures Of Prince Harry In Afghanistan

prince-harry-afghanistan.jpgPRINCE Harry has been waging the War On Terror. Tally-ban.

The plans is simple. Read it here: Prince Harry Leads The Ronald McDonald Army To Victory in Iraq…

All part of the plan, of course. Harry arrives. The Army stick red wigs on their own heads and atop each passing camel. The enemy charges about firing at everything. And they are picked off.

We win. Ronald McDonald gets a foothold in Iraq. And all is right with the world.



Posted: 10th, March 2008 | In: Photojournalism, Royal Family | Comment

Prince Harry And The Media

A SOLIDER is said to have tried to sell pictures of Prince Harry in Afghanistan to The Sun. The paper declined to publish them until Harry was on his way home:

British media, including The Observer, agreed not to report Harry’s deployment throughout his time in Afghanistan. ‘Obviously people in theatre knew about it, and it was extremely unlikely that no one would attempt to try to leak stuff. There were never any guarantees,’ said one source. ‘But all in all it went pretty well.’

Troops serving alongside Harry were warned not to tell their families at home about the royal in their midst. Harry himself later admitted that there had been a couple of occasions when the deal might not have held without behind-the-scenes help from the British media in alerting officials to potential leaks.

One soldier. One. A united army. A united media. Things mgiht not be so bad…

Posted: 9th, March 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Royal Family | Comment

Paul Burrell: A Life In Books

the-rock11.jpgIN “Burrell: I Won’t Come Back To Face The Music”, Express readers get a new insight into Paul Burrell latest tome.

In this work, Paul Burrell “faces a police investigation into allegations of perjury”.

And: “Now he could become the subject of a Scotland Yard investigation when the inquest ends next month.”

“WILL DIANA’S ROCK END UP IN THE DOCK?” asks the Mirror. In Burrell: My Dock Hell you will learn that Burrell “faces arrest the next time he sets foot in Britain after refusing to return to be questioned about whether he lied at her inquest”.

Did Diana really listen to Terry Wogan in the morning? Did Diana once hide in a chest freezer for seven full minutes? Did Diana cough twice on June 15 1995 in a signal that only Burrell knew the meaning of? Now read on…

“WANTED,” says the Sun’s front page headline. “PAUL BURRELL aka ‘THE BOTTLER’.”

“He could now be extradited to face perjury charges.”

Read Burrell: Dark Forces in all papers…

Posted: 7th, March 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (6)

Prince Harry Is In Chelsea In Chelsy, And Vice Versa

“HARRY’S BACK IN CHELSEA,” say the Sun’s front-page headline.

Adolescent innuendo for our “HOMECOMING HERO”? Our just our twisted minds working on a headline illustrated by a picture of Harry (Tally-ban!) and his lover Chelsy Davy (Tally-beau!).

And the news that Harry is back in Chelsea, “partying with pals”.

But the Sun so loves a pun (“hostilities between them are over”) and a literary nudge and wink (“They spent their first three days together ‘catching up’”) that you start looking for a joke in every line.

Better, then, to turn to the Mail and learn the facts that “Harry’s back on party duty”.

No joking, subtlety or snide malice there…

Posted: 6th, March 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment

Death Cult: Prince Harry Is ‘Expendable’ To Americans

OUR American allies are discussing Prince Harry and the War on Terror:

‘Good Morning America’ co-host Chris Cuomo joked on Monday’s show that Britain’s Prince Harry “has been over in Afghanistan fighting because he’s expendable.” Fellow host Robin Roberts appeared somewhat shocked by the comment and sputtered, “What did you say?” Cuomo, who was previewing an ABC special on the royals, didn’t back off his assertion and reiterated, “It’s true. The reason that Harry is allowed to be in Afghanistan is because he’s not the heir to the throne. William’s not allowed to be there.”

Do we know that William is not there?

How Americans love to imagine leaders being killed. The Barack Obama Death Cult is in full swing…

The Barack Obama Death Cult
The Barack Obama Death Cult II

Posted: 4th, March 2008 | In: Royal Family | Comment (1)

Princess Diana: The Summer Wine Years


Finally the truth is out.

The Star says Princess Diana wore a wig to meet her former lover Hasnat Khan in Ronnie Scott’s Jazz Club, London. Had the wig not been topped by a discreet crown, Mr Hasnat might not have recognised her.

But we have seen Diana is disguise. And in our new book Diana: I Was Compo, Anorak explores how Diana played the part of lovable rogue Compo in TV’s Last Of The Summer Wine for three seasons…

Princess Diana 

Posted: 4th, March 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment

Princess Diana, Hasnat Khan And Al Fayed’s Protection Money

di-khan.pngIT’S 3839 AD (After Diana) and there is news of the princess’s love life, as ever there was and will be.

“Diana dumped me for Dodi, says Hasnet,” says the Express on its front page.

For purposes of recognition, Diana wears a black dress and pearl-drop earrings. At first look, she appears alive, waiting for the photographer to reload his film and give her a break from being the country’s celebrity princess. But no break comes.

(Anorak readers can read Diana: The Cover Girl Years, a book in which a selection of the only people never to have met Diana comment on her hairstyles over the past ten years.)

Today’s Diana news also features on the Mail’s foremost page, where Diana is dressed in a white shroud-like robe. To her side is Dr Hasnat Khan, the man she dumped because she was “dazzled by the Fayed family fortune”.

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Posted: 4th, March 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Prince Harry Wants To Be Like Everyone Else

RECESS Monkey says that Prince Harry would like to be treated just like everyone else save for:

…primogeniture, corporation tax, inheritance tax, capital gains tax and wildlife protection laws.

Tim responds:

Primogeniture means that it’s his older brother who will inherit. So, fair enough, he might be against it. The corporation, inheritance and CGT issues: well, they’re all to do with the Duchy of Cornwall. Which, as a result of the primogeniture issue won’t go to Harry, but to, umm, his older brother.

As for assassinating wildlife, that’s what the aristocracy is for, isn’t it


Posted: 3rd, March 2008 | In: Money, Royal Family | Comment

Prince Harry Earns His Promotion To Bikini Blast

prince-william-harry1.jpgONE man’s pay packet is the nation’s front-page news as the Mirror leads with: “£11 RISE FOR HARRY.”

Young Prince Harry Baseball Cap has been promoted to the rank of Lieutenant and seen his wages rocket by £11 a day.

A look over the menu at Mayfair’s Mahiki venue reveals that Harry can afford one daily glass of Moh’hee’toh (£10.50) as the sun sets over the yard arm, with enough spare change for a toilet wallah’s tip.

Save up and it’s a Bikini Blast (£22) restorative. And save harder still for a Mahiki Treasure Chest (£100), “the one the generals drink.”

“Will he ever see action again?” asks the Mail on its cover. Well, if he drinks enough Harry may feel a little punchy, and the paparazzi may care to step back.

On closer inspection, it turns out the Mail is talking of Harry’s war record and wondering if her will make a return to the front line.

What’s Next For Harry? 

Given the secrecy levels afforded to his last deployment, it is unlikely the Mail will be able to form a definitive answer. So we wonder. “What’s next for Harry?” asks the Mirror.

Well, Mahiki doesn’t open until 5.30 this Saturday, so we’d place our money on a trip to Boujis (Evens). Killing a Stag (3-1). Hooking up with Chelsy and going on holiday (8-11). Or following in his mother’s footsteps and starting a new life in Bahrain (5-1).

Expert opinion is needed. So the Mail invites Royal Raspberry James Whitaker to suggest Harry will stay in the Army. And someone called Malcolm Dawkins says Harry should settle in South Africa. Harry, it turns out, is the same age as Dawkins’ son Ross who is studying wine-making at Stellenbosch University near Cape Town, and making his dad proud.

It’s an idea. Especially if the college does a course on cocktail making…

Posted: 3rd, March 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Jon Snow Has ‘No Contact With Ordinary Human Feeling’

JON Snow has in an instant shown what is wrong with the self-aggrandizing media elite:

Using the oldest and falsest royal chestnut, he accused the editors who had made the agreement of seeking knighthoods. He must know that, except for a few restricted orders in the Queen’s personal gift, honours come from a system controlled by the Prime Minister.

Then Snow claimed to be horrified that so much fuss was being made to do a special favour to “so small a thing as a prince”. What other free country would connive at such a cover-up, he wondered?

Why, he jeered, did Prince Harry have to be a soldier anyway? “He could do banking.” Were the press so servile, asked Snow, with an absurdity of bad taste, that “if he gets injured or shot dead, the papers wouldn’t report that”?

The three people on the show – the editor who had brokered the deal, a Tory MP and a man who had served recently in the Army – looked at Snow almost with incomprehension.

It was one of those moments when one realised that some media people have no contact with ordinary human feeling. Prince Harry was not being given a privilege. His situation was unique.

More here 

Posted: 2nd, March 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Royal Family | Comments (3)