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manchester united | Anorak - Part 20

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Manchester United football club news, Manchester United transfers, Premier League

Manchester United balls: Louis Van Gaal calls Chris Smalling ‘Michael’ again

van-gaal-united

 

Manchester United centre-back Chris Smalling has a new nickname: Michael. Following Manchester United’s 1-0 win over CSKA Moscow, Louis Van Gaal hailed the performance of “Michael Smalling”.

Who he?

 

 

“David De Gea has saved us, then after that, Michael Smalling has saved us,” Van Gaal said.

The United boss made the exact same gaffe back in July while proudly naming Mike Smalling as his new vice-captain as Chris Smalling sat right beside him…

 

What is it to be loved.

Posted: 4th, November 2015 | In: manchester united, Reviews, Sports | Comment


Transfer Balls: Youri Tielemans wanted by Arsenal, Liverpool, Man United, Man City, Liverpool and Chelsea in full-house of tabloid TB

 

Transfer Balls: Manchester United and Manchester City want to sign 18-year-old Anderlecht midfielder Youri Tielemans says the Daily Star. In the paper’s “exclusive” we learn that United and City will have to pay £30m, for the “star”.

Paul Hetherington writes:

City’s strong Belgium contingent is headed by skipper Vincent Kompany and Kevin De Bruyne, an instant hit since his record £56m move from Wolfsburg in the summer.

Kompany and De Bruyne are the only Belgians in City’s first team squad.

For good measure this scoop also name-checks a load of other clubs:

Tielemans is also being linked with possible moves to Chelsea, Barcelona and Borussia Dortmund.

But Spanish organ AS told us Tielemans had signed for Atletico Madrid:

 

Youri Tielemans

 

The Express, sister paper to the Star, said the young blade was worth £14m and was heading to Arsenal or Chelsea:

 

Screen Shot 2015-11-02 at 19.41.56

 

The Star’s “exclusive” was the Mail’s story a week ago:

 

Screen Shot 2015-11-02 at 19.43.21

 

And that price is falling on the Express:

 

Screen Shot 2015-11-02 at 19.44.27

 

And in March the Star said he was on his way to Chelsea, snubbing Liverpool:

 

Screen Shot 2015-11-02 at 19.46.48

 

 

In May Youri Tielemans – a player linked by the tabloids bullshit.com to the six biggest clubs in English football – signed a new five-year contract with Anderlecht.

Such are the facts.

Posted: 2nd, November 2015 | In: Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool, Manchester City, manchester united, Reviews, Sports | Comment


Leicester City are the Premier League’s most efficient side; Arsenal shoot on sight; Manchester United are shot shy

If football is all about taking your chances, then Leicester City epitomise the mantra. The Premier League club have scored 23 goals from an average of 14.8 shots per match in the Premier League.

The Foxes are third place in the Premier League, one above huge-spending Manchester United, with 15 goals scored at a rate of just 10 shots a match.

Top of the table Manchester City have 26 goals at 18.7 shots per match.

Arsenal are the league’s most shot happy team, firing on goal 19.2 times a match with 21 hitting the target. The Gunners work to a different golden rule: if you don’t shoot, you can’t score.

 

 

 

Posted: 2nd, November 2015 | In: Arsenal, Manchester City, manchester united, Reviews, Sports | Comment


Manchester United balls: Van Gaal swats Scholes through Google Translate

Paul Scholes, the former Manchester United player, has been working a pundit. He tell the BBC what he think of Louis Van Gaal’s Man United team:

“There’s a lack of creativity and risk. It’s a team now you wouldn’t want to play against because they’re tightly organised. But it seems he [Van Gaal] doesn’t want players to beat men and it’s probably not a team I’d have enjoyed playing in. The style is not something that Sir Alex Ferguson would have adhered to….

“The hardest thing to coach is scoring goals and creativity. I was at the derby on Sunday and Rooney’s movement was brilliant but when he’s playing in that team there’s no one prepared to pass to him. I think after 20 minutes you’d be tearing your hair out. I played with some brilliant centre forwards and I don’t think they could play in this team — the likes of Ruud van Nistelrooy, Andy Cole, Dwight Yorke, Teddy Sheringham. You don’t get crosses into the box or midfielders looking for runs.”

Louis Van Gaal responds in his intriguing way of being one of the few Dutchman who can’t speak English better than the English. Van Gaal heralded on United match by telling the TV pundits: “I shall be very disappointed when we don’t win.” Van Gaal is like listening to a man speaking through Google Translate. he says:

 “I think you have a fantastic expression here: sticks and stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me. I think Manchester United is always entertaining and I read also in the papers and I see it is boring but I don’t think there are more spectators in other stadiums than this ground… You ask me if I take risks? I take always risks!  I am not agreed with his opinion but I don’t want to defend myself because I cannot defend, because he is a legend and has a lot of resonance I hear. So I think when you are a legend you have to speak with the manager, or with his friend Ryan Giggs, or has to speak with Ed Woodward. But not with because he shall be paid by the media or something like that, and then you have to say something.

“I shall do everything for this club because I think with these fans, I have said many times, these fans are unbelievable. We are improving at lot but when you think it can be done within one year I have said it is process and it takes three years. That’s why I signed here three years. But when Mr Scholes thinks I can better go, then I go. But he is not the man responsible for that. That is the Glazers and Mr Woodward.”

A media row ensues.

Posted: 30th, October 2015 | In: manchester united, Reviews, Sports | Comment


Transfer balls: Arsenal chase Hakan Calhanoglu who signed for Manchester United and two Mesut Ozils

Transfer balls: the Daily Express says Arsenal and Manchester United are after Bayer Leverkusen’s 21-year-old Turkish attacking midfielder Hakan Calhanoglu.

Hakan’s also wanted by Atletico Madrid and Barcelona. And he’ll cost £29m.

Is he any good? Well the Express says he’s has been “hailed as the ‘next Mesut Ozil'”. By whom we’re not told. And why would Arsenal need two Ozils?

The Independent says United are “readying a €40m bid” for the player. Its sources is German newspaper Bild.

But over there we find not a single mention of either Arsenal nor Manchester United. Bayer Leverkusenboss Michael Schade tells Bild: “We want to keep Hakan, but with us there is a pain threshold.”

The paper adds: “From a release of EUR 40 million Bayer should be ready to talk. At Bayer we know about the interest of the English.”

The English Press really is full of utter balls. After all, according to the Express, Hakim signed for Manchester United in the summer:

 

Screen Shot 2015-10-29 at 11.45.07

 

Such are the facts.

Posted: 29th, October 2015 | In: Arsenal, manchester united, Reviews, Sports | Comment


Transfer balls: Manchester United wait for Neymar as Barcelona show him the money

Neymar: dreaming of Salford

Neymar: dreaming of Salford

 

Transfer balls: Are Manchester United buying Neymar?

The Sun says Barcelona will offer the Brazilian £500,000-a-week.

Can United top that?

In another article the Sun says Man United will “play the long game”. Neymar is 23, Will United wait until he’s, say, 43, before swooping?

In a remarkable spout of balls, Neil Curtis writes:

IT WAS thought the pull of Manchester United in world football had diminished since Sir Alex Ferguson bowed out at Old Trafford. The very fact that Neymar is about to have his wages doubled at The Nou Camp to £500,000 a week shows it hasn’t.

Eh? Is the thinking that because United want Neymar, Barcelona have been panicked into making him the third best played player in the world, after Messi and Ronaldo?

Such is the concern surrounding United’s interest in the Brazilian star, 23, that he will be propelled into the same wage brackets as Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo. Two other players who United would not hesitate in trying to get to Old Trafford.

This isn’t news. It’s PR. We’re told United would love to buy the world’s top players. Well, so would every other club. Would the players want to join United?

Any indication from the Messi camp that he is after pastures new and they would be straight in there.

Looking desperate and assuring the Argentinean that his national team-mate Angel Di Maria loved living in Manchester and playing under Louis Van Gaal.

Twice they have attempted to get Ronaldo back to Old Trafford and there is still a romantic view that he will play out his final couple of years as a professional back at the club where he made his name.

And twice they have failed. As for romance, surely Ronaldo returning to Sporting Lisbon, from where United bought him, would be a sweeter story.

There was much scoffing on social media when SunSport broke the story that United had tried to get Neymar.

Tried. And failed. Such is that “pull” of Manchester United.

It remains tempting for someone who would be happy to be THE star at another club on the same level as Barca. United are a club under the executive vice chairman Ed Woodward who are not afraid to ruffle the feathers of the likes of Real and Barca.

Real and Barca then puff our their plumage and strut off with the world’s best players. After such puffery, Curtis then reads Neymar’s mind:

Whether United get Neymar any time soon or not, they have put down a marker for the future. By making that shock move, they have made the player think about options that were not previously there. They have made him think about a future elsewhere.

Yeah, because one of the world’s best players had no idea other clubs would like him to play for them.

 

Posted: 29th, October 2015 | In: manchester united, Reviews, Sports, Tabloids | Comment


Manchester United and Manchester City in corporate Premier League horror show

Manchester United and Manchester City played out a match so dull it must make all those Americans, Chinese and oil-rich sheikhs tuning in wonder if the Premier League is just hype and more hype, less a sport than a televised festival of consumerism. Let’s compare the marketing with the fact:s

The Guardian:

 

 

Screen Shot 2015-10-25 at 21.02.32

 

 

The BBC:

 

Screen Shot 2015-10-25 at 20.59.35

 

Before the match the talk was of passion, history and cash.

Daily Mail:

Screen Shot 2015-10-25 at 21.09.48

 

It’s all about the money.

 

Screen Shot 2015-10-25 at 21.34.02

 

 

The dullest most lifeless Manchester derby ever. A shameful passion-free example of the snuffing out of tradition by

And:

DAnny Baker tweets

Can we have your game back, please?

Posted: 25th, October 2015 | In: manchester united, Reviews, Sports | Comment


Transfer Balls: Manchester United have £50m for Spurs’ Harry Kane

Transfer Balls: Manchester Untied will offer Spurs £50m for their striker Harry Kane, says the Daily Star.  The paper says United manager Louis Van Gaal is  “demanding the Old Trafford top brass” sign the 22-year-old England striker.

The paper says United launched a failed £25m bid for Kane over the summer.

Will Kane and Spurs take the money?

Who know? After all, this is the Daily Star, which told Google News that Kane already plays at Old Trafford:

Screen Shot 2015-10-24 at 14.15.57

 

And:

Screen Shot 2015-10-24 at 14.18.37

Such are the facts…

Posted: 24th, October 2015 | In: manchester united, Reviews, Sports, Spurs, Tabloids | Comment


Transfer Balls: Nicolas Gaitan move to Manchester United is done and off

Transfer Balls: The Daily Express says Benfica’s Nicolas Gaitan is NOT heading to Manchester United.

 

gaitan manchester united

 

Uche Amako finds no room in this tale of the “saga” to mention that Gaitan already agreed to join Manchester United. We read it in the Daily Express:

 

Screen Shot 2015-10-23 at 17.21.26

 

Gaitan’s transfer to Man United was confirmed in the Express‘ sister title, the Daily Star:

Screen Shot 2015-10-23 at 17.31.20

 

And:

 

Screen Shot 2015-10-23 at 17.36.15

 

Such are the facts…

 

Posted: 23rd, October 2015 | In: manchester united, Reviews, Sports | Comment


Transfer Balls: Manchester United want Lionel Messi and Ronaldo

Messi to Liverpool

 

The Sun leads its sports coverage with the rugby World Cup  news that Chelsea, Manchester United and Manchester City hope they each have enough money to “persuade Lionel Messi to swap Barcelona for the Prem.”

Would Messi come to Manchester or London? The Sun says the Argentine superstar has “given the trio the clearest hint yet that he is ready to listen”.

 

All three clubs are convinced that Messi is genuinely considering a move to a different environment and that he could become the Prem’s stellar asset for his last few top seasons.

If he signs we get to see the fading great. He’s 28 now. And he’s only coming for the money – “the Argentine growing increasingly angry at ongoing issues with the Spanish tax authorities. Messi and his father Jorge face trial over an alleged £3.1million tax fraud relating to image rights deals despite prosecutors recommending the charges should be dropped.”

Can you leave Spain be a tax exile in England?

 

Messi’s current deal has a prohibitive buy-out clause of 250million EUROS, making a move this summer infeasible.

Unfeasible for Manchester City’s trillions?

But by June 2017, when he turns 30 and with one year left in his contract, Barca may be more keen to sell, although the English trio would still have to smash their wage structure to accommodate Messi’s demand for a deal matching his current one.

Who wants to pay a fortune to eke a couple of years value from a 30-year-old Messi? Maybe Manchester United want him to team him up with an ageing Ronaldo?

ronaldo manchester united the sun newspapers

 

Such are the facts…

Posted: 23rd, October 2015 | In: Arsenal, Manchester City, manchester united, Sports | Comment


Manchester United wants to get Everton’s Galloway on the cheap

Transfer Balls: Everton fans will be delighted to leans via the Mirror that “Manchester United are keeping tabs on Brendan Galloway”, looking to sign the player in January.

Everton’s 19-year-old left back is a good player who will only get better. Everton are a top Premier League side. But that Mirror headline infers that one day, if the lad plays well enough, United’s scouts will advise their bosses that the time is ripe to give Galloway his chance.

 

Galloway joined Everton from MK Dons in the summer of 2014, signing a five-year deal. Injury to Leighton Baines gave Galloway a chance to break into the first team; talent has kept him there.

Better news for Everton fans is that Galloway has been offered a contract upgrade.

Posted: 23rd, October 2015 | In: manchester united, Sports | Comment


Manchester United: Chinese turn Bastian Schweinsteiger into a Nazi doll

schweinhund

                              Schweinhund                                                                   Schweinsteiger 

In China you can buy a Nazi figuring that looks like Manchester United’s German midfielder Bastian Schweinsteiger. Yeah, that’s what we thought: who in China buys Nazi figurines? This one costs HK$958 (£80).

Schweinsteiger is upset enough to set his lawyers on the Hong Kong-based company, makers of ‘Bastian’, the one-sixth lifesize doll. They say it’s pure coincidence the doll looks like him. all Germans look the same, see.

“We have no figure which is based on a football player,” Patrick Chan tells Bild (not to be confused with the Vőlkischer Beobachter). “It was pure coincidence that the ‘Bastian’ figure looks like Schweinsteiger. The figure is based on the typical German. We believe that all Germans look like this.”

They do. Stick this one in a dress and it’s Heidi Klum.

Posted: 22nd, October 2015 | In: manchester united, Reviews, Sports, The Consumer | Comment


Manchester United balls: rip-off ‘revealed ‘

The BBC’s annual Price of Football study is a pretty useless exercise, unless, that is, you work in the media in which case it’s a rich source of bilge about how terrible football is. Media likes nothing better than writing about media, and the BBC bigs up its survey. Take this example on the BBC’s website:

Parenting web site Mumsnet has accused clubs of exploiting young fans after the BBC study revealed a full Manchester United junior strip, with name and number printed on the back, cost more than £100.

Mumsnet had no idea how much a football kit cost until the BBC’s investigative team of crack journalists went online and added up the bits.

Wow.

Posted: 20th, October 2015 | In: manchester united, Sports | Comment


Manchester United: new adidas retro kit comes with free Chelsea bottoms

Man United chesesa kit

 

Adidas know their market when it comes to flogging footy gear to the new fans. The firm’s new line of retro Manchester United kit includes the  ‘1985 track jacket’.  For a mere £65 the jacket goes well with the Chelsea sweatpants.

 

man-utd-retro-jacket-chelsea

 

Spotter: Pies

Posted: 13th, October 2015 | In: Chelsea, Fashion, manchester united, Sports | Comment


Transfer balls: Muller invites Manchester United to show him the money

daily mirror backpageTransfer Balls: Can it be that Bayern Munich’s Thomas Muller is on his way to Manchester United?

The Manchester Evening News reports:

Manchester United transfer news: Muller hints at ‘tempting’ MUFC move

What was his hint? He said:

 

“In the end, we should not forget that playing football is our job. People should accept that wages will always play a role in a player’s decision-making. Of course, the wages that are being paid in the Premier League are very tempting. It would be hypocrisy to deny that.”

And…

“You have to look at the complete package to determine whether something is right for you. What’s good for you one day will not necessarily still be good for you the day after. I know that a lot of German clubs are unhappy with the Premier League clubs’ spending, but I think it is something good for all clubs in the end. It can only be a good thing for football when clubs invest so much money…”

…in Premier League footballers’ wages. Because that’s where the money goes.

In 2014, Muller said:

“[On Manchester United’s multi million euros offer], of course, I was aware that I could theoretically earn more with a transfer. The sums that were standing by foreign clubs in the room were already astronomical. I can only say: For me, a change was never really an issue anyway. FC Bayern is my club.”

Bayern reportedly rejected a £60m bid from Manchester United for Müller last summer.

 

 

Posted: 12th, October 2015 | In: manchester united, Sports | Comment


Manchester United: Van Gaal blames team for Arsenal defeat; team blames him

In an “Exclusive”, the Times says Manchester United players were “baffled” by Louis van Gaal’s tactics against Arsenal. United were lucky to lose 3-0 at the Emirates.

Manchester United’s players were left dismayed by Louis van Gaal’s unwillingness to adopt the counterattacking tactics at the Emirates Stadium that have served them well against Arsenal in the past. Van Gaal had been encouraged in the build-up to the game to play a system that would involve sitting deeper and hitting on the break but the United manager rebuffed that request in favour of playing a pressing game that failed miserably en route to a dismal 3-0 defeat.

Arsenal ripped them to shreds.

The Dutchman questioned his players’ desire and failure to follow his game plan after United fluffed the first serious test of their Barclays Premier League title credentials on Sunday… Arsenal had won just one of their previous 13 league meetings against United, who have often successfully utilised a counterattacking strategy against Arsène Wenger’s side. Several members of United’s squad believed this was a proven formula that had worked well in the past and would be worth persisting with.

To the Daily  Express, this news translates into:

Louis van Gaal faces potential crisis with Man Utd players dismayed over Arsenal tactics

The Indy quotes Van Gaal:

“I was surprised, amazed. I didn’t expect that: not performing to our game plan, not the will to win. I have not seen that. When you give a team like Arsenal so much space to play football then you know you will lose. We have prepared ourselves to play more compact and not losing our aggression. I am very disappointed.

“I don’t know why it happened. I put the question at half-time and after the match because normally I say the things how I see them in the game. We have lost, and lost in a way that you cannot lose when you are top of the league. You cannot start like we started. The worst thing is that now everybody is going away now (on international duty). I can’t build up a new situation so they have the confidence to play football to win your next battle.”

He says it was them. They say it was him.

 

Posted: 6th, October 2015 | In: Arsenal, manchester united, Sports | Comment


Arsenal: Wenger wanted Martial but Monaco owed Manchester United over Falcao

radamel falcaoArsenal manger Arsène Wenger says he thought about signing Anthony Martial, the French footballer now with Manchester United. Wenger thought about buying Martial when he was at Lyons. But the French club told him Martial wasn’t for sale.

Martial then joined Monaco for 3 million.

Monaco told Wenger Martial was “not sellable”. So off he went to Manchester United for £36 million.

The simple story, of course, is that Arsenal quite liked Martial but were never going to pay a fortune to sign him. Chances are other clubs also like other top players but just can’t find the odd £36m to actually sign them.

The media continue to press Wenger on Martial. He replies to their probing:

“I was surprised they sold him. The amount of money was massive. I believe that you could think that, if you are Monaco, you could have sold him as well next season. So I thought they would not sell him this year because they sold many other players.  I thought they would maintain their word. He was not sellable. He was not on the list. He was one of the players Monaco did not want to sell, so we never made an approach for him. Only an acceptable amount of money after could do it. We always liked him, even when he was in Lyons. That was a surprise too, that Lyons sold him on the last day of the transfer market for €5 million [£3 million].”

Should Arsenal have bought the player? Wenger adds:

“The future will tell us if he is overpriced. Manchester United spend the money they have. It is not artificial. They are entitled to do it.”

Monaco’s  executive vice-president, Vadim Vasilyev, tells Marca that one club outbid United:

“There was another club that offered even more than United. I will not say how much, but the fixed price, without variables, was even better, and they also offered us [the chance] to have him for a further year in Monaco. But the boy wanted to go to Manchester. It was his dream and we let him go with the bonus of [£36 million]. Had it not been for so much money, he would have stayed.”

A year earlier, United took Monaco’s Radamel Falcao on loan. The Colombian, now with Chelsea, joined for a £6m fee plus wages of  – get this- £265,000-a-week. United also took the option to sign Falcao on a longer contract for £43.5m at the end of the loan spell. He proved to be not all that good. United had been sold a dud.

You have to wonder how much that deal impacted on Monaco and United’s decision to do business over Martial? Monaco might have beee able to get more for Martial from another club, but having seen United take the overpriced Falcao off their books, maybe they thought it right to return the favour?

Posted: 3rd, October 2015 | In: Arsenal, manchester united, Sports | Comment


Ronaldo To Manchester United Watch: the happy ‘big hint’

Ronaldo Watch:a  look at bullshit.com reporting that Cristiano Ronaldo is leaving Real Madrid to rejoin Manchester United.

Today the Manchester Evening News thunders:

Manchester United transfer news: Ronaldo hints he could leave Real Madrid next summer

Hints?

Cristiano Ronaldo has put Manchester United on red alert after hinting his future at Real Madrid is not certain.

Incoming!

“My future is at Madrid. I am good here. I want to win things here and I feel good, but I have said millions of times that nobody can tell what will happen in the future. We will see what happens. I have a good relationship with everyone, the president, coaches, workers. The relationships are good because I am a professional. Nobody knows what will happen next year. I want to win things at Madrid as I think that this club has the potential to win things, but I do not know the future.”

So he’s happy at Real. Or as the M.E.N pouts it:

Former Man Utd forward Cristiano Ronaldo has again raised doubts about his future at Real Madrid amid reports he’s unhappy at the Bernanbeu.

Such are the facts.

Posted: 2nd, October 2015 | In: manchester united, Sports | Comment


Arsenal: Manchester United can bank on success, says Wenger

The football media love to make sensation for nothing. So it is for Arsenal’s press conference ahead of their match with Manchester United. According to the Star, Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger  has “revealed the real reasons” Man United are top of the Premier League.

Cocking an ear for the ‘real reasons’ – the position of the stars alignment, bribery or a psychic octopus – we hear Wenger say:

“I defended Van Gaal last year and I think the experience he has in his career it is not surprising that they are doing well. Manchester United has the money that they spend. It is not artificial. It comes from their own resources. You have to accept that they’re huge but they can do it and they are entitled to do it.”

United are top because they are a huge team that spends vast amount of money. Who knew?

Well, we all did. Because back in July, Wenger said much the same thing. Although today the Metro still teases:

Arsenal boss Wenger gives surprising opinion on Man United’s transfer business

What he said back then was:

“You can take Barcelona or Man United, who had a generation and built their success on players who came from within. These are our values and it is our DNA and it’s important we keep that. With United’s success they have created huge financial resources and today there is no patience for them to continue to do what they did — and they have the financial resources to go with a different policy.”

And how did the media bill that entirely sensible observation:

Sky: “Arsene Wenger questions Manchester United transfer policy”

M.E.N: “Manchester United are trying to spend their way to success, claims Wenger”

Such are the facts…

 

Posted: 2nd, October 2015 | In: Arsenal, manchester united, Sports | Comment


Wayne Rooney: the Daily Mirror didn’t hack the ‘thick’ Manchester United star’s phone out of respect

rooneyBrian Reade has penned a defence of Manchester United and England captain Wayne Rooney.

Class snobs who try to keep council-estate-kid sports stars down and revel in their failings at it again before a new documentary on the striker, says Brian Reade

Class snobs? Would this be the same Brian Reade who said of the white-working class:

Welcome to the Brook Estate in Eltham, south east London. The breeding ground of four of the five men accused of stabbing Stephen Lawrence to death as he waited for a bus a short walk away on the eve of St George’s Day six years ago.

Five products of a twisted philosophy drummed into them from birth. “If they’re black, stab ’em in the back.”…

A way of life passed down from father to son. You see the link emerge in the fading white graffiti sprayed 30 years ago on the walls of the old railway bridges around the estate, written by the last generation of Eltham Boyz. In three feet high letters: “SKINHEADS.”…

Give me the father and I’ll give you the son who will give you the son who will abuse, persecute and even kill another human being for committing the heinous crime of not being born white.

Racism was inherited. Get the killers and purge the land.

This is White Man’s Gulch… This is E-reg Escort-land.

So much for the snobbery. What else does Reade know about Rooney?

Gary Lineker is letting it be known that next Monday’s documentary on Wayne Rooney is so touching it will radically change the nation’s perception of him. That’s why the BBC released previews about how Rooney is a sensitive soul who writes poetry for his wife.

Cue would-be satirists’ rhyming couplets running over as they imagine the literary outpourings of someone it has been assumed can barely write a cheque.

Would-be satirists like the, er, Daily Mirror’s Polly Hudson, who opines:

Depriving the public of enjoying these Rooney masterpieces is ­basically a crime… so it’s lucky that I’ve managed to get my hands on Wayne’s notebook…

Have snarked at Rooney, Hudson offers:

By Wayne Rooney, age 29 and 7/8

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

You are well hot.

So you’re probably more like a summer’s day  abroad then,

Cos the weather here is usually rubbish.

So much for the satire.

Reade adds:

It’s not that he’s a multi-title winner with a century of caps who has broken England’s all-time goalscoring record and become an extremely wealthy man. It’s that he has survived, and flourished, against all the odds in a class-obsessed country which loves nothing better than seeing council-estate kids who make good, very publicly self-destruct.

We get examples:

Think of George Best, Paul Gascoigne and Alex Higgins and how certain sections of our society have taken pleasure in pointing at them in the gutter and warning other working-class talents that serious life-enhancement should be left to their betters.

Would that be the same Paul Gascoigne whose phone the Daily Mirror hacked? Gazza told the High Court:

“I knew I was getting hacked by the Mirror. This continued for ages. Phone calls to my father and family were getting blocked so I changed my mobile. It happened again so I kept on changing mobiles, five or six times a month… I couldn’t speak to anybody, I was scared to speak to anybody… my parents, my family and kids, it was just horrendous. And people can’t understand why I became an alcoholic…. At the time I was going through a bad time because I knew I was getting hacked, 110 per cent. Of course (people) wouldn’t believe it – my family and Mr McKeown (therapist Johnny McKeown). As I was speaking to him on the phone, it clicked again. He told me I was paranoid, I was going through a mental disorder. I said ‘No, there’s fuck-all wrong with me’. I knew, I knew. I put the phone down… I’ve never told a lie, nothing to lie about, nothing. Disgusting. Crap… I have waited 15 years to be sat here so I am disgusted, really. I would like to trade my mobile phone in for a coffin because these guys have ruined my life. I have no life.”

In May the ex-England footballer was awarded £188,250 in damages.

Back to Reade:

Rooney came up across horrendous snobbery right from the off.

And back to Polly Hudson in the Mirror:

As celebrity adulteries go, this one is particularly bad, even by footballers’ standards. Coleen was pregnant at the time. But the only reason Wayne and his hooker didn’t get it on at the Rooney marital home was because SHE thought it out of order. When a prostitute has better morals than you, it’s probably time to worry.

Wayne may be known for being completely thick but his recent actions still beggar belief.

And Fiona Phillips in the Mirror:

Almost overnight, Coleen the innocent A-level student disappeared and Coleen the Queen of Chav arrived. It was disappointing

Chav? Yeah, that’s what the Mirror has called Coleen over and over

THE style bible of the fashionistas, Vogue, has asked Coleen McLoughlin to be a cover girl.

I don’t know what thrills me more. The idea of the curvy, chav girlfriend of Wayne Rooney on the cover of the world’s poshest magazine. Or the thought of Victoria Beckham’s face when she heard the news.

The Mirror told readers what a chav is:

YOU may know them as Kevs, Slappers, Neds, Townies or Scallies – but a new Internet website has branded them Chavs, from an old gypsy word for child…

Female Chav: When not wearing her baseball cap, you will notice her DIY facelift: badly-dyed hair scraped back into the tightest bun possible. She loves denim and shops at New Look, Pilot or her local market stall. Top Shop is too sophisticated. The classy female Chav wears t-shirts with slogans she finds witty – “Friendly when drunk”, French Connection’s FCUK or the “F*** You” one Britney Spears made famous. Her skirt is more like a belt, barely covering her mottled blue thighs and flabby midriff.

And they are thick:

For most of us cinema is an art form which enriches our lives. For Chavs it’s the place to text your mate and snog your bint. They love sequels because an original idea is something to be feared. Any flicks with an R&B star such as 50 cent, Aaliyah or Ice T is almost enough to make a Chav wet their pants in excitement. A good example is Romeo Must Die featuring Aaliyah and DMX. Don’t try telling them the plot is influenced by Romeo and Juliet. You’ll get a blank look.

Oh, and Wayne is also a chav:

For girls it’s Chelsea, Chardonnay, Kayleigh, Crystal or Britney. Boys are Jay, Wayne, Jake, Romeo or Dean.

But Reade makes no mention of his own paper in any of this snobbery. He just points the finger at a rival:

In a Daily Mail article which suggested he could be Gazza Mark II, a leading commentator asked: “Is there some hidden vice, some secret in Rooney’s psyche, which is yet to emerge? Drink, drugs, wife-beating?” It was a perfect summation of a country which judges people on their accent and background without getting to know their character.”

Meanwhile….in white man’s gulch…

 

Posted: 1st, October 2015 | In: Key Posts, manchester united, Reviews, Sports | Comment


Transfer balls: Mata to Liverpool, Ronaldo to Manchester United and Guillem Balague on The Metro’s speed dial

Transfer balls: The Metro’s Will Giles says Manchester United will sign Cristiano Ronaldo and pay him £1.2m a month.

WOW! Manchester United will pay Ronaldo less than Wayne Rooney, who earns up to £300,000 a week?! Ronaldo must be chomping at the bit to rejoin United.

Of course, Ronaldo can get a gigantic signing-on fee, too. Giles adds:

Manchester United will bid £92.5million next summer in an attempt to prise Cristiano Ronaldo away from Real Madrid…

Ronaldo leaving Madrid this summer is a more realistic proposition than ever before, with Spanish expert Guillem Balague claiming that the 30-year-old will have to seriously consider his future at the end of the season.

Guillem Balague… who he? Well, he’s on the Metro’s internet speed dial:

September 2014: Balague is quoted:

‘I have a pretty good idea of when he wants to go. It won’t be this month or next month, but he wants to go back to Manchester United and everything is in place for him to return to Old Trafford.’

February 2015: “Arsenal transfer target Sami Khedira ‘will sign for Bayern Munich’”

…respected journalist Guillem Balague was asked where he thinks the in-demand midfielder will be playing his football next season…. Balague suggested his team-mates at the Bernabeu are of the opinion Khadira will return to his native Germany and join Bayern Munich.

Khedira signed for Juventus.

February 2015: “Atletico Madrid ‘confident’ of sealing transfer deal for Arsenal’s Santi Cazorla as talks begin”

Atletico Madrid ARE in talks to sign Arsenal’s Santi Cazorla and are confident of signing the player, La Liga expert Guillem Balague has confirmed.

In July, Cazorla signed a new deal, extending his terms for another two years.

May 2011: “Liverpool make Juan Mata a ‘£20m priority’ for summer”

Says you know who…

 

Posted: 30th, September 2015 | In: manchester united, Sports | Comment


Chelsea: Garth Crooks, Juan Mata’s Manchester United magic, Mourinho’s shame

Screen Shot 2015-09-28 at 14.05.28

 

In the haste to pile in on Chelsea, BBC pundit Garth Crooks salutes Manchester United’s Juan Mata. He’s the Spaniard United bought from Chelsea for a then club record fee of £37.1 million in January 2014. For that much cash, it should not come as too much of a shock to realise that Mata is pretty good at football. And he’s been pretty good for some time – Chelsea signed him from Valencia for £23.5 million in August 2011.

Here’s Crooks:

It is with some irony that I find Chelsea struggling at one end of the table and Manchester United on top.

Irony?

It would be remiss of me not to mention Juan Mata at this point; the man who Mourinho couldn’t wait to get out of the revolving door at Stamford Bridge.

The man they sold for a record fee.

It has been Mata’s consistent performances for the Red Devils under Louis van Gaal that have helped transform their season. Mata was instrumental in United’s victory over Sunderland and should they win the title, his departure could prove to be Mourinho’s final embarrassment.

Er, Garth, mate, Chelsea won the Premier League title last year. Mata’s United finished fourth. the year before, United finished in seventh with Chelsea in third.

 

 

Posted: 28th, September 2015 | In: Chelsea, manchester united | Comment


Manchester United balls: a critis at Old Trafford Sunderland can only dream of

crisis

 

Manchester United are in “crisis“. Well, that’s what the Daily Mirror says in its report on United’s build up to a home match against Sunderland. Man United are second in the Premier League. Sunderland are bottom.

 

Screen Shot 2015-09-26 at 06.13.23

 

The “crisis” at Old Trafford is that Luke Shaw and Marcos Rojo are both injured, leaving United with “one fit left-footed defender” in the shape of Danny Blind.

 

If that’s a crisis, what are Sunderland suffering?

Sunderland head coach Dick Advocaat sets the tone:

“If you have a draw there [Old Trafford], you have a great result… Normally United would beat us but we can give them a really tough time. That will happen, you will see.”

Crisis? No. This is normal service.

Posted: 26th, September 2015 | In: manchester united, Sports | Comment


Transfer Balls: Manchester United make inflated Muller bid on Metro’s bullshit.com template

Will Giles Metro news

 

Transfer Balls: Anorak’s search for the most clickbait football news story takes us, as ever, to the Metro, where Will Giles has news for Manchester United fans:

Manchester United made £120million worth of transfer bids to sign Thomas Muller – report

 
What Giles does it tot up the bids United apparently made for Bayern Munich’s German star Muller – £55m and £65m, according to Bild – and came up with a new story.

It’s a marvellously contrived story that SEOs must admire.

And, accordingly, we can expect more of the same vein. Look out for:

* Chelsea made £76million worth of transfer bids to sign John Stones – report
* Spurs made £62million worth of transfer bids to sign Saido Berahino – report
* *** made *** worth of transfer bids to sign **** **** – report

Easy.

Posted: 24th, September 2015 | In: manchester united, Sports | Comment


Manchester United: Alex Ferguson ‘reveals the real reason’ he quit Old Trafford (again)

Screen Shot 2015-09-19 at 11.22.48Sir Alex Ferguson today “reveals the real reason for his retirement as Manchester United manager” to the Daily Telegraph. It’s an “exclusive“. But really it’s just part of Fergie’s marketing for his new book, Leading. And is the news a revelation? Not really, no.

Sir Alex Ferguson would have stayed on as the most successful manager in English football history, but for the death of his wife Cathy’s twin sister, Bridget Robertson, which persuaded him to retire to be by her side.

Says the great manager:

“I definitely would have carried on. I saw she [Lady Cathy Ferguson] was watching television one night, and she looked up at the ceiling. I knew she was isolated. “Her and Bridget were twins, you know?… When I told her this time I was going to retire she had no objection whatsoever. I knew she wanted me to do it.”

And that’s it.

In his last autobiography, Sir Alex told readers why he left Manchester United:

The seeds of my decision to step down had been planted in the winter of 2012. Around Christmas- time the thought became sharp and clear in my head: ‘I’m going to retire.’ ‘Why are you going to do that?’ Cathy said. ‘Last season, losing the title in the last game, I can’t take another one like that,’ I told her. ‘I just hope we can win the League this time and reach the Champions League or FA Cup final. It would be a great ending.’ Cathy, who had lost her sister Bridget in October, and was struggling to come to terms with that bereavement, soon agreed it was the right course. Her take was that if I wanted to do other things with my life I would still be young enough.

Contractually I was obliged to notify the club by 31 March if I was going to stand down that summer. By coincidence David Gill had called me one Sunday in February and asked if he could come to see me at home. A Sunday afternoon? ‘I bet he’s resigning as chief executive,’ I said. ‘Either that or you’re getting sacked,’ Cathy said. David’s news was that he would be standing down as chief executive at the end of the season. ‘Bloody hell, David,’ I said. And I told him that I had reached the same decision. In the days that followed, David rang to tell me to expect a call from the Glazers. When it came I assured Joel Glazer that my decision had nothing to do with David relinquishing day-to-day control. My mind had been made up over Christmas, I told him. I explained the reasons. Cathy’s sister dying in October had changed our lives. Cathy felt isolated. Joel understood. We agreed to meet in New York, where he tried to talk me out of retiring. I told him I appreciated the effort he was making and thanked him for his support. He expressed his gratitude for all my work. With no prospect of a change in my thinking, the discussion turned to who might replace me.

One great difficulty, in the days around the announcement, was telling the staff at Carrington, our training ground. I particularly remember mentioning the changes in my life and Cathy’s sister dying, and hearing a sympathetic, ‘Aaah.’

Not quite the revelation it’s billed as, then.

 

Posted: 19th, September 2015 | In: Books, manchester united, Sports | Comment