Weird, offbeat and bizarre news from around the world. Funny, strange & odd news stories that make you wince, laugh and fear for humanity.
Well, help is at hand. Beat the Boss, aka Xeku’s Body Orifice Security Scanner (BOSS), will give you a gel-free “hygienic cavity search”. Ostensibly targeted at prisoners smuggling contraband into choky, the BOSS will be a boon to sexual explorers and nudists who spend too long asking, ‘Has anyone seen the keys?”
When the British enjoy a bagel, they really go all in. A bagel is not just a nice Yiddisher roll; it’s a conversation piece, play toy and agitator. Dougie Stew was there to see what happened when a woman put a bagel on her head on a British train:
— dougie stew🗿 (@DougieStew) February 26, 2017
When Saudi Arabia’s king travels to Indonesia he’ll have packed 506 tons of stuff into his bags. As well as spare knickers, travel plugs and mints, King Salman bin Abdul Aziz will travel with two Mercedes limousines and two elevators?
It’s the first time the King has visited Indonesia for 46 years. He was meant to go earlier but by the time the hand luggage was sorted and he’d found the wife he wasn’t sure if he’d packed or not, the 1980s and 1990s had come and gone.
The Washington Post looks on:
The Jakarta Post reports that the Saudi group will total about 1,500 people, including 10 ministers, 25 princes and at least 100 security personnel.
Not all of the staff will in the hold.
No longer content with dreaming of being Camilla’s tampon, Prince Charles has focused his senses on squirrels’ genitalia, notably those of the invasive grey strain. Charles want to reduce their numbers by giving them contraceptives and thereby increase the number of nuts and nooks for red squirrels to conquer.
The preferred method is not for condoms, pills and and workshops advocating abstinence before marriage, but a drug hidden in chocolate spread. If it work with squirrels, expect the Government to lobby Nutella and makers of supermarket own-brand gunk to do their same to pestered and hated fat people.
The afterlife’s better with a Harley Davidson motorbike. When 84-year old Bill Standley of Mechanicsburg, Ohio, died he was buried in a plexiglass and wooden coffin sat astride his 1967 Harley-Davidson motorcycle. To complete the look, Bill wore a helmet, leather jacket and biker boots.
The Columbus Dispatch says Standley started to plan his funeral 18 years before he breathed his last. “This was his dream,” said one of his daughters, Dorothy Brown. “He was a one-of-a-kind.”
Of course, not everyone rides their Harley to the great hereafter. You can buy a used bike here.
But just in case Bill wasn’t one of a kind and you also want to be buried with your Harley, we’d like to recommend some music to be lowered into the underground garage by. It’s Serge Gainsbourg’s Harley Davidson, as recorded by avid biker Brigitte Bardot.
The song was sung by Serge Gainsbourg, Gerard Depardieu and Johnny Hallyday on French TV in 1980. And for reasons unexplained, Serge is astride astride a BMW. Maybe his glasses are just a tad too dark.
This post is sponsored by Jennings Harley Davidson.
To France, where ‘Theo’, a 22-year-old black man, claims he was raped when police inserted a truncheon in his anus. An internal police inquiry found nothing untoward. But Theo was showing severe anal injuries.
Police now says the wounding was an accident. In a video of the incident, police see a copper ‘applying a truncheon blow horizontally across the buttocks’. Theo’s trousers ‘slipped down on their own’. As such ‘there are insufficient elements to show that this was a rape’.
But an investigating magistrate disagrees. They’ve charged one of the police officers with rape.
French President Francois Hollande has taken the time to visit Theo in hospital and Prime Minister Bernard Cazenueve says their is an official state of ‘solidarity’ with the alleged victim.
In what officials are calling ‘not a normal case’, a Buddhist monk has been arrested in Myanmar with 4.6 million methamphetamine pills, a grenade and ammunition were found in his car.
“This is not a normal case, and when we were informed that the monk was arrested, we were all shocked,” says Kyaw Mya Win, a township police officer.
“It is not a very common case, but not impossible to happen. What will happen to the monk is that he will have to give up his monkhood right away and face trial as an ordinary person,” adds Myanmar’s director general of the Religious Affairs Ministry, Soe Min Tun.
It’s unlikely the pills were for personal use. So was he buying the pills for his mates or selling them for other mates?
Myanmar has a history of persecuting the country’s Rohingya Muslim minority. In 2012, ‘Buddhist extremists drove tens of thousands of Rohingya out of their homes, many risked their lives to escape in smugglers’ boats; more than 100,000 others are living in squalid internment camps’.
The Strait Times reported this month:
The UN report issued on Friday said Myanmar’s security forces had committed mass killings and gang rapes of Rohingya Muslims and burned their villages since October in a campaign that “very likely” amounted to crimes against humanity and possibly ethnic cleansing.
Myanmar has said it is conducting a lawful counterinsurgency campaign.
Is the army marching on methamphetamine?
To Oregon, where Ashley Glawe’s pet Ball Python snake, Bart, has got stuck in her stretched earlobe. Ashley playing with Bart when it began to side through her stretched earlobe.
Unable to free herself of Bart, Ashley called the emergency service to “extract” the critter. A nick from a surgical blade, some Vaseline and Bart was free.
Big news on the Sun’s cover is that teetotal Muslims who eat at Brewer’s Fayre and Whitbread Inn pubs will be “outraged” to learn their beef lasagne contains pork. How many Muslims are shocked, dismayed and angered by the presence of non-kosher meats in their non-halal stomach liner could run into the single digits.
The cheesy beef lasagne is, we’re told, 8.5 percent beef and 4.5 per cent pork.
The meal is made by Creative Foods in Flint, Wales. The Sun recalls that in 2013 Creative “sold lasagne containing horse DNA to Whitbread”. Which, as any Italian will tell you, made it pretty authentic.
What do we make of the news that ‘A British man who fell pregnant after he used Facebook to find a sperm donor has said he will be the “greatest dad”.’ That’s the start of the Indy‘s article on Hayden Cross, 20, a woman who, having been told by the NHS that she wouldn’t be able to freeze her eggs for use at a later date due to her hormonal gender transitioning, found a sperm donor on the web and got pregnant.
The Indy says, “He is now four months pregnant and may be the first British man ever to give birth.” Be he isn’t. Because, well, he’s not a he. He is not pregnant. She is. We can agree on that, surely? No. The Sun says, “He is legally male.”
The Indy is at pains to tell readers that Hayden Cross is a man. “Mr Cross said his first attempt using donor sperm had been successful and he would continue his transition process to remove his breasts and ovaries as soon as he has given birth,” says the paper.
Every paper agrees that Hayden is a pregnant man.
PREGNANT DAD-TO-BE Who is Hayden Cross? UK’s first pregnant man undergoing gender realignment treatment – Sun
FIRST PREGNANT MAN! British man four months pregnant after receiving sperm donation – Express
Proudly showing off his baby bump: Former Asda worker is the first British MAN to become PREGNANT after finding a sperm donor on Facebook – Mail
Hayden (born Paige) tells the Sun: “In September I got pregnant by a sperm donation. I found the donor on the internet… The man came to my house, he passed me the sperm in a pot and I did it via a syringe. I felt I’d no choice, I couldn’t afford a proper clinic. I don’t know who the bloke was. To be honest I can’t remember anything about him. He wouldn’t even tell me his name. He said he was just doing it to help people.”
Can Hayden be certain the sperm was the man’s and not harvested from another source? If you got a pot of jism from a stranger would you be not a little circumspect?
“It was the first attempt and it worked,” adds Hayden. “I was really lucky.”
It is an unusual story. But is there really no newspaper editor looking on thinking it’s not the story of a pregnant man?
Local News Watch: Adam Hart spots two paragraphs in the Western Gazette which, as he says, show us “journalism at its very best”.
The story is about a car parking matters. Two cars have been spotted parked close together in Frome, Somerset. The local news hound places the happening in context: “They’re not the first two vehicles to have been pictured inches from one another in the town. A yellow Citroen parked inches away from a blue Volkswagen at Sainsbury’s a few months ago.”
This story might be missing the still bigger scoop: who is going around Frome taking pictures of cars almost touching and are they on a police register?
Spotter: Adam Hart
To Chicago, where Latasha Eatman has been jailed for 49 days for something she didn’t do. CBS News reports that Eatman was arrested in 1993 on minor marijuana possession charges. Her punishment was to complete a period of community service. But Eatman was unable to comply because the facility to which she’d been detailed was closed and full whenever she turned up. And she turned up on numerous occasions. Eventually a judge excused her from probation.
Fast forward to 2016 and police looking for shops selling contraband cigarettes spot Eatman and run her name through the computer. The machine flags up an outstanding warrant for failure to complete community service. On the strength of the shoddy data and poor admin, police arrest Eatman and locked her up. After ten days in prison, the mother of a six-year-old is brought before the Beak. She tells him what happened and of the previous ruling. But this judge calls her a liar. He orders that Eatman is slammed back in prison and held without bond. For 29 days she remains in choky.
By chance, one Cara Smith, a chief officer at the Cook County Sheriff’s Office, is running an audit of first-time offenders locked up in their jail. The authorities realise their error. Whoops!
One day later, Eatman is released.
And how was your day?
As the internet watches footage of a man punching a kangaroo in the face (see below), we’ve been looking at the story of the Glasgow Celtic fan who throw a burger at a police horse before the Champions’ League match at Manchester City’s Etihad stadium.
The fan was arrested and fined £90 for a public order offence.
(The horse did not eat the ‘beefburger’. Horses are not cannibals.)
Minds turn to April 2013, when Newcastle United fan Barry Rogerson, 45, threw something else at a police horse working at the match: a punch. He told the tabloids: “I reacted stupidly but I did not go out to attack a horse. I love animals. I’ve got three dogs, a fish pond out the back and I feed foxes across the road.”
Maybe it’s time police adopted the football clubs’ policy of not using real animals, but mascots? Why should animals be hurt when people are willing to put there beaks and snouts in the firing line.
“We all thought he was having a laugh, but then he called us a bunch of “c****” and after a few words exchanged he waddled off back to the Family Stand,” said one Torquay fan of club mascot Gilbert The Gull. “At the end of the game, Gilbert came over again and in front of us on the pitch, he gave the ‘come on then’ body language towards us and wouldn’t stop until hiding behind the stewards and again waddling off as we moved towards the exits.”
Others have behaved worse, like Chaddy the Owl (Oldham Athletic), who set about the Blackpool mascot. Blackpool press officer Matthew Williams told us: “I was in the press box and they were play-fighting, when Chaddy waded in and seemed to be kicking 10 bells out of Bloomfield Bear.”
And now for the kangaroo puncher. He’s Greig Tonkins, 34, an elephant keeper at Taronga Western Plains Zoo in Dubbo, New South Wales. He was out hunting wild pigs when his dog was grabbed in a headlock by a roo.
Tonkins wins by a technical knock out.
Kangaroos are feisty. In June a roo broke a woman’s breast implants. “Just out of the corner of my eye I’ve seen this kangaroo up on this ledge,” Mrs Heinrich told News Ltd in Australia. “I thought, ‘he’s cute’, and then he jumped on top of me and used me to launch off and on to my girlfriend. [The implants] are silicon and saline, and the saline will just go through your body but the silicon now congeals so it stays within the area but it’s very painful, it’s up there with cracked ribs.”
Greig had best take care. And watch out for those wild pigs. They’re huge.
We’re gonna need a bigger fist.
We are at a loss. Cultural imperialism is rife. The Sun reports on “mum” Priscilla Terumalai, who was “hauled” into Mayville Primary School in Leytonstone, East London, to explain why her 5-year-old daughter and her classmates had been giggling at their teacher: Miss Butt. For some reason, the figurative blighters found the name funny.
Indeed, dear reader, this is grim news. Miss Bottom, Miss Gluteus Maximus or Miss Arse would all be more suited to triggering laughter at a traditional British school. Miss Butt is so Americanised. It can’t be long before the kids are finding Miss Booty-Call hilarious.
Anyhow, Priscilla says the school is unhappy that Miss Butt was the butt of the kids’ laughter and may now move her children Annalise and Destiny to… Yes, Destiny.
Stop that! Stop that laughing. Stop it now!
PS: the local newspaper began its report: “A MOTHER says she feels ‘intimidated’ by a school after a teacher became the butt of her daughter’s humour.”
Free speech. No butts.
Cardiff council has invested £30,000 renting the biggest Christmas tree in the country.
At 40 metres the fake tree made of metal, plastic and more plastic would have been the envy of every municipal council in the land. But something went wrong and the tree if only 40ft high.
The tree, made in China, was hired for £10,000 a year on a three-year contract.
The council has yet to put an ‘angel’ on the tree but the city’s head of parks and gardens is being lubed up as we write.
To Boston, where the FBI will pay a $1,000 reward for information leading to the capture of the “Spelling Bee Bandit”, so called because he can’t spell robbery. Police say the felon has robbed four different banks in Massachusetts over a two-week period. In every case, the criminals puts on sunglasses and hands a demand note with the word “Robery” written on it.
The robber is slim, male, white, in his late 30s or early 40s who is between 5’11” and 6’2″ and approximately 160 pounds. He talks with a “local” accent.
He is most likely getting increasingly aggressive as the tellers continue to ask him what a “robery” is and is they are dressed appropriately.
To Brisbane, Australia, where police have located a loaded gun wedged between a biker’s buttocks. Police located not one but two handguns. The second handgun was in his…car.
Officer Mick Niland is delighted: “It was great work by city officers acting promptly on reported suspicious activity and conducting a thorough search of the vehicle. Those that associate with OMCGs [outlaw motorcycle gangs] have to realise there is a cost and a risk to being a member or an associate of these crime gangs and organised crime.”
Well, quite. But given the location of that gun, bikies might be a danger to themselves.
To Germany, where a man looking for a lost wedding ring has found – wrapped around a carrot he dug from the ground.
The 82-year-old man lost the ring three years ago. He found it while the ring while gardening in Bad Muenstereifel.
It was a real turn-up for the books. (Ouch!)
To the Gulf of Ob, northwest Siberia, where thousands of massive snowballs pebbledash the beach. The snowballs – ranging from the size of a tennis ball to almost 1m (3ft) across – are formed by ice rolled by wind and water.
File under: Russia’s got big balls.
Lord Heseltine tells the story of the time he strangled a dog.
Anyone seen that coat? And can is pass for human hair?
“These must be the best costumes of Halloween 2016 by my sisters friends in Wicklow,” tweets @ChrisJudge.
More Halloween oneupmanship as we read of 37-year-old Candice Kreidel. She’s been arrested for partially dressing up as a clown – she was mostly naked – and chasing cars.
Wearing clown make-up, a stocking cap and “either partially or completely nude”, Kreidel was seen running up and down a road in Clarksville, Tennessee. Police says she appeared to be chasing cars and jumping in front of other vehicles.
The local newspaper reports:
While officers were headed to the location, there were four calls to 911 from a woman who berated, threatened, and cursed the dispatchers. Police determined these calls came from the suspect’s phone. When police arrived at her home, they found her in a sports bra, pyjama pants, and a stocking cap. Police said her face and body were covered in what could be described as clown make-up.
Kreidel, admitted to making the phone calls and running about in the road.
It;s an odd story. you’d think a driver might stop and help the naked woman stood in the street. Give her the right amount of make-up and what chivalrous man would not offer his assistance. Over-do the pancake and men forget their urges, slam their foot to the floor and make for the hills at speed.
Tweet of the Week was supplied by @S_alqsimi , via, Deanne DuKhan (@DukhanD), who responds to news as to why women driving is forbidden. “Lorraine in the UK asks, which makes and models please?”
Hey, ladies, Curb Your Enthusiasm (language is NSFW):
Hot dogs are un-Islamic, says the Malaysian Islamic Development Department (MIDD). To receive halal certification,the MIDD, a religious government body, says hot dogs must be renamed.
MIDD’s Sirajuddin Suhaimee explains says: “In Islam, dogs are considered unclean and the name cannot be related to halal certification.”
Yes, but the hot dog contains no dogs, it being most often a composite blend of pigs’s scrotum, anus and lips.
“Malaysian halal food guidelines say halal food and halal artificial flavour shall not be named or synonymously named after non-halal products such as ham, bak kut teh, bacon, beer, rum and others that might create confusion,” he adds.
The Auntie Anne store has been refused halal certification unless it renamed its “Pretzel Dog”. Mr Suhaimee says it should be called a Pretzel Sausage”.
And in keeping with Islamic law, Auntie Anne might care to ‘circumcise’ the tip of its Fat Torpedo: