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Strange But True | Anorak - Part 234

Strange But True Category

Weird, offbeat and bizarre news from around the world. Funny, strange & odd news stories that make you wince, laugh and fear for humanity.

Stag Shagged

‘JUSTIN Scheidt had a stag night that he can never forget.

Following incidents at the Showgirl III nightclub in Fort Wayne, Indiana, Scheidt clams he has been left unable to consummate his marriage.

The story goes that pole dancers took it in turns to slide down a 6ft pole onto the groom’s groin.

Said club owner Bub Butler: ”The girls are told they can’t slide down the pole onto anybody.” ‘

Posted: 4th, June 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Fangs A Lot

‘DENTISTS are just about the least popular members of any society. But news from Italy casts them in a new light.

The country’s Order of Dentists estimates that there are over 45,000 unqualified people working as dentists in Italy.

A survey has revealed that plumbers, traffic wardens and even tailors have been spotted rooting around in people’s mouths.

The question, however, is not how these people get away with it, but why on earth they would want to do it…’

Posted: 3rd, June 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


The Pits

‘MARKETING types who talk of breast men, leg men and, in this post-Bridget Jones world, bottom women now have another group: armpit lovers.

In response to being called the armpit of America, the town of Battle Mountain, Nevada, is staging a contest to find the most beautiful armpit.

Other competitions will include a trial to see who is the quickest with an anti-perspirant spray and a ”sweat T-shirt” contest.

Posted: 2nd, June 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Looking A Million

‘AS Les continues to languish in jail, Emma and Curly are serving their own marital prison sentence – one where you don’t even get time off for good behaviour. Emma has been promoted to Inspector (which means she’ll be able to corrupt even bigger cases) but on the condition that they leave Weatherfield in case Les causes a stir when he gets out.

”What do you see in me, you great hunk of man?” ”Is someone there..?”

Not surprisingly, Curly isn’t too keen on the idea. ”You’ve always put your career before us,” he shouted, clutching baby Ben. ”It’s either us or the job.” Unfortunately it was Curly who was left with nothing, as Emma locked him out of the house – leaving him with nothing but the clothes he stood up in and Jack Duckworth for comfort.

As tabloid readers will know, Curly is set to leave the Street and in a case of life imitating art, I predict it won’t be long before he puts his acting skills to proper use and becomes a real-life supermarket shelf-stacker.

Steve is also desperately trying to sort out his love life. He’s determined to win back Karen, despite the fact that she’s now moved in with Joe and refuses to speak to him. ”I didn’t want it to end this way,” Steve told his sobbing wife. Steve should hang in there, though, as it’s surely only a matter of time before Joe’s get-rich-quick scheme comes to a very messy end. If Steve’s really lucky, Joe will get to share a cell with Les Battersby.

The path of true love is proving to be smoother for teenagers Sarah Lou and Todd. They’re planning on moving in together in Oxford, although they’ve yet to share the joyous news with their parents. However, as the only revision Todd seems to have done consists of sitting in the caff with a plate of chips and an open folder, they may not have to bother.

After being dumped by Dev, Tracey Luv has decided that love isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and the way to happiness lies with an 80-year-old millionaire called Wally. Wally is Blanche’s new boyfriend; or rather he was until Tracey discovered that he’s a millionaire several times over.

”I could never resist a beautiful woman,” purred Wally, as Tracey leaned over him in a very tight top. Which just goes to show how senile the old goat must be. Blanche catches Tracey at Wally’s house next week and the pair launch into a comedy catfight. Jerry Springer, eat your heart out.

Posted: 30th, May 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Almost A Stiff

‘A ROMANIAN man has been saved from almost certain death – by a prolonged erection.

Mihai Tancau suffered concussion and several fractures after a road crash and was taken to hospital for treatment.

But doctors failed to notice that his spinal cord was also damaged – until they started to investigate why he could not get rid of his erection. He was taken away for tests and the problem as diagnosed.

Doctors say the 44-year-old from Bacau would almost certainly have died had the injury not been spotted.’

Posted: 29th, May 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Arrest At Last

‘IN 36 years on the force, Bombay’s assistant police sub-inspector Gangaram Rane had not made a single arrest. And, needless to say, his dismal arrest rate was the butt of his colleagues’ jokes.

Not anymore – Rane was patrolling Mumbai at night when he heard there were four armed robbers at a residential colony barely yards away the Dadar police station.

When he arrived, he found local residents had already overpowered four of the five robbers, who armed with knives, a pistol, a sword, had entered a jeweller’s shop and stolen £15,000 of jewellery.

”Though I was carrying a revolver, I was a little worried,” Rane said after his ordeal. ”But I wasn’t scared, because the people had already overpowered the robbers.

”I have managed my first arrest thanks to these brave people.”’

Posted: 28th, May 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Going Dutch

‘THE best way to beat the breathalyser is by not drinking before you drive. Another way is to drink so much that you break the machine.

That’s what a 44-year-old Dutch man did when he was pulled over by police in Wormerveer.

When the man breathed in the machine, it initially refused to work before showing out of range. A police doctor had to give the boozed-up offender a blood test and found he was seven times over the limit.

The man, from Krommenie, claimed to have only drunk ”four beers”. He was given a 15-month driving ban, a £600 fine and a two-week suspended jail sentence.’

Posted: 27th, May 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Idiot Wanted – Position Vacant

‘ANGELIKA Wedberg was desperate for a better job. Being a 30-year-old care worker in Sweden was no fun. So she considered her options and placed an advert in a Stockholm newspaper.

”I want a well-paid job,” it said. ”I have no imagination. I am anti-social, uncreative and untalented.” As a result she has received stacks of job offers, including one offering her three times her previous pay.’

Posted: 23rd, May 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Les Goes Down

‘LES Battersby, the Rodney King of Weatherfield, went to court this week. After telling Curly that she was going to tell the truth, Emma changed her mind at the last minute and ensured that Les was given six months at Her Majesty’s pleasure.

”It wasn’t me either”

Now it’s Emma who’s facing her own sentence, as Curly proceeds to act with self-righteous moral indignation. ”I thought you were better than that,” he sniffed. ”You’ve let me down.” Mick on the other hand is delighted. ”He got what he deserved,” he told Janice over a celebratory pint.

Kirk has vowed to clear Les’ name, which is a bit like having Forrest Gump as your legal representative.

Karen and Joe could well be seeing the inside of a prison cell soon, as their plan to defraud Mike out of his factory gets out of hand. Mike has handed over the running of Underworld to them as he attempts to bond with son Adam, who’s run away from school.

”I want it all,” Joe told Karen as he showed her round a penthouse show flat, ”together we can do it babe.” As the pair are more Terry and June than Bonnie and Clyde it’s a pretty safe bet that they’re going to end up getting caught.

Dev is back from India a changed man. To show he’s turned into a caring, sharing New Man, the wardrobe department has put him in an embroidered waistcoat and given him facial hair Catweazel would have been proud of.

Dev has decided to settle down and mend his Peter Stringfellow-like ways by marrying Sunita. He hasn’t actually mentioned this to Sunita yet, though.

Another unlikely romance developing on the Street is Martin and Katie. The middle-aged father of three and the schoolgirl are getting disturbingly close as they train together for a fun run. ”She’s a very attractive girl isn’t she?” he said to Roy. Which just goes to show how old Martin really must be – his eyesight is going. ‘

Posted: 23rd, May 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Thick As Thieves

‘HOLE-in-the-wall cash machines are an attractive target for thieves. But they are hard to get into.

For this reason, thieves in Calcot, Berkshire, obtained an oxyacetylene torch to aid their crime.

Having punctured the outer surface of the safe, the thieves were forced to flee empty handed – when they set fire to the cash inside. ‘

Posted: 22nd, May 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Shaggy Dog Story

‘DOSHA the dog is made of tough stuff. Having been hit by a car in California, the stricken hound was spotted by a local cop, who, in an attempt to alleviate unnecessary suffering, shot Dosha.

The pooch was then taken to the local animal control centre, and placed in a freezer. Two hours late, when the icebox was open, Dosha was alive and well.

Aside from a dose of hypothermia, she is back to normal. ‘

Posted: 21st, May 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


It Takes Allsorts

‘FOLLOWING the story about the boy with his finger in the dyke, comes a tale of policeman Simon McEvoy.

Upon smelling gas leaking from a pipe in Oldham, McEvoy plugged the fissure with a Liquorice Allsort sweet.

”I tried a coconut allsort, but it didn’t fit,” says McEvoy. ”Then I tried a liquorice one and it as a perfect fit.” ‘

Posted: 20th, May 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


All’s Wells That Ends Well

‘RESIDENTS of Tunbridge Wells have been asking themselves who the masked man is who’s been protecting the citizens of that fair town.

A man in a mask and brown cape first came to the rescue a few weeks ago, when he saved a woman from a gang of louts. The would-be victim told the local paper, the Kent and Sussex Courier, how ”a masked man rushed past me, swept in, broke up the commotion and ran off”.

More recently, the same hero returned a lost purse and swung from a rope to rescue a man from another gang of local ne’er-do-wells.’

Posted: 19th, May 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Detached Retina

‘A FILM company in San Francisco is looking to brighten up its reception area by recruiting a person who can not only answer the phones and do a bit of filing but can play the piano as well.

Retina has advertised the job, which pays about £9 an hour, on the San Francisco Conservatory of Music website – and is expecting fierce competition for the post.

”It’s a new business and the owner thought it would be nice to have some music going,” said interim receptionist Meg Lopez.’

Posted: 16th, May 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Welsh Auction

‘The Welsh town of Aberystwyth has gone under the hammer – and fetched only £22.

That was the top bid from visitors to online auction site, eBay, who were invited to bid for a seaside town that’s ”in a good condition”, ”can smell slightly” but where ”locals are occasionally a problem”.

It works out at 0.2p a person for the town’s 11,000-strong population.

A spokeswoman for eBay said the prank auction had probably been put up by a disgruntled visitor. It has since been taken down.’

Posted: 15th, May 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Jumbo Diet

‘EVEN celebrity dieters like Geri Halliwell and Kate Winslet would be hard-pressed to compete with a 39-year-old elephant called Koala who has lost a staggering half a tonne after being put on a diet.

Staff at Rio de Janeiro zoo in Brazil have limited Koala to a paltry 150 kilos of food per day – with no bread or peanuts – for the past four months.

She will stay on the diet until she has lost another half tonne and is down to only four tonnes.

Valdir Ramos Junior said: ‘Her thighs were too big and her waist was too thick. But it wasn’t only for beauty purposes that we decided to put her on a diet. She was too fat and her hamstrings were suffering.”

Posted: 14th, May 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


It’s Life, Jim

‘WANTED: US mental health group seeks interpreter who can speak Klingon.’

It’s true – officials at a facility that treats mentally ill patients in Multnomah County, Oregon, are looking for someone who is familiar with the Star Trek language to help communicate with patients.

‘There are some cases where we’ve had mental health patients where this was all they would speak,’ said county official, Franna Hathaway.

Although created for Star trek, Klingon was designed to have a consistent grammar, syntax and vocabulary and is considered by many to be a complete language.

Officials claim they are obliged to find such patients a translator.’

Posted: 13th, May 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Australia – Where Men Are Women

”EVEN the quietest, shyest person really comes to life,’ says make-up artist and Swinburne University of Technology lecturer Michael Schifferle. And so he does – especially if he is one of the many drag queens who have enrolled on the college’s make-up course.

‘It is a way of transforming yourself. I think there is a suppressed performer in everybody,’ Schifferle said to Reuters. ‘It is a serious art form, but it is a bit of fun too, as all make-up should be.’

And very good at hiding a three-day growth…

Posted: 12th, May 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Australia – Where Men Are Women

”EVEN the quietest, shyest person really comes to life,’ says make-up artist and Swinburne University of Technology lecturer Michael Schifferle. And so he does – especially if he is one of the many drag queens who have enrolled on the college’s make-up course.

‘It is a way of transforming yourself. I think there is a suppressed performer in everybody,’ Schifferle said to Reuters. ‘It is a serious art form, but it is a bit of fun too, as all make-up should be.’

And very good at hiding a three-day growth…’

Posted: 9th, May 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


The Eyes Have It

‘DAVID Platt, the boychild who shares a name with an England footballer of yesteryear and a face with Robbie Williams, is making peace with Vera.

Kirk has another thought

He did this in the manner of George Bush – and lobbed a large angry house brick, of the type found in northern streets after riots, through the window of Vera’s stone-clad hovel. And it worked.

Soon David was in Vera’s house, sharing a cup of her witches brew and warbling on about how he can hear mum Gail sobbing herself to sleep at night.

How we laughed.

But soon we were worried. Les and Kirk were hatching a comedy plot, which if it had been an egg would have been small and misshapen. And rotten.

Les was having trouble getting a character witness for his trial. So Kirk called in Swanny, a thug with a thick neck and head to have a go at Les in the Rovers.

This he did for £20. But as luck had it, when the row ensued, Les forgot to duck and got a right-hander in the eye. And then (Ho! Ho!), Kirk couldn’t pay Swanny. Bosh! Eyes a la mode for Kirk and Les.

Posted: 9th, May 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Geena Gees Up The Boys

‘THE handbags at dawn feud between Joe and Dev finally spilled over into violence this week, with Dev suffering terrible injuries – his hair got messed up. Joe is out of prison on probation and Dev knows that any trouble and he’ll going straight back inside so he decides to goad Joe into hitting him.

Dev oiled his way into The Rovers and sidled up to Joe, whispering in his ear just how good Geena’s pump hand really is. Not surprisingly, Joe lost it and the pair had a bit of a roll around outside the pub, causing Vera to drop her chips (surely an arrestable offence in the North?).

Geena was so horrified at her boyfriend’s street fighting skills, she promptly dumped Joe, which has made Dev a very happy shopkeeper. But in the world of soap, the path of true love is more tangled than Christine Hamilton’s hair after two weeks on Celebrity Survivor.

Dev may want Geena back, but Sunita has just realised that she’s in love with Dev herself. ”You’re my number one girl,” he purred to her while she was bent over the freezer, unpacking the Findus Cripsy Pancakes, but as usual, he meant that she is the first person he turns to when he wants someone to cover him from irate girlfriends and business associates.

Sunita shouldn’t give up hope though. Given Dev’s track record with his female employees, it’s surely only matter of time before he gets round to her.

The Hooded Claw of Coronation Street (Richard) continues to delight with his split personality performance. This week he’s gone from doing the washing-up and helping David with his homework to breaking into Audrey’s house in a bid to convince her she’s going mental.

Richard’s creditors are closing in and the only way he can see to raise the three hundred odd grand he needs by Christmas is to get power of attorney over Audrey. He’s been going into her house while she’s out and switching on the radio to make her think she’s forgotten to turn it off. If this is the best he can come up with to convince her she’s going mad, then he’s got a long way to go.

Les and Toyah had a big falling out when Les discovered that she’d used his old chair as her art project. ”It symbolises the descent of working class man,” she told the press, ”from proud worker to lazy slob.” Les took umbrage at being described in such terms and I’m not surprised – he has never done an honest day’s work in his life.

Posted: 20th, September 2002 | In: Strange But True | Comment


More Pants Plots

‘THE all-pervasive influence of ‘Changing Rooms’ has even reached as far as Weatherfield. Fizz and her reluctant flatmate Toyah, have decided to redecorate their flat. ”Don’t worry, Audrah,” Fizz reassured her, ”it’ll be tasteful, like everything I do.”

The pair decided to throw a decorating party. And in true soap style, the ubiquitous ‘Now That’s What I Call Music 54’ was on the portable CD player and the cans of lager in the fridge before you could say: didn’t we have this exact plot three weeks ago in Eastenders?

Toyah invited some of her student friends (who looked suspiciously like the extras from The Rovers) and Karen made sure the party went with a bang by blowing her bingo winnings on booze.

Although of course Karen is used to being the big bang of every party. But since she’s become a married lady, it looks like she’s passing that title on to Fizz, as Fizz ended up decorating Kirk’s bedroom floor with her knickers.

And on the subject of knickers, it looks like they are about to get Steve and Joe into very big trouble. Joe persuaded Steve to go with him to steal back the order that Dev’s cousin hadn’t paid for.

But having about as much ability to burgle a building quietly as The Chuckle Brothers, it’s hardly surprising that by the end of the night, Joe was unconscious in a heap at the bottom of the stairs with the alarm blaring out into the night.

Pinky and Perky somehow managed to make it back to Weatherfield only to be told by Mike that Dev had promised to pay his cousin’s debt anyway.

If only Tricky Dicky’s financial problems were so easily solved. After a meeting with his bank manager, Richard has been given until Christmas to find the 350 grand he’s in debt by, otherwise he stands to lose everything: business, home and irritatingly smug wife.

Richard’s not unduly worried, as he explained to Gail, ”I see a lot of liquidisation of assets in the winter.” Meaning that a lot of the old dears he’s lent money too are more prone to dying in the winter months (unless he gets at them with a shovel first).

Richard’s a businessman though and he doesn’t want put all his eggs in one basket, so is formulating a back-up plan. He overheard Audrey and Emily talking in the Rovers about how their memories were getting worse and that Alzheimer’s wasn’t probably too far away. No indeed, if Richard has anything to do with it.

Posted: 13th, September 2002 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Knickers!

‘RICHARD, being a financial advisor, always has plenty of money-making ideas up his sleeve. From stealing money off corpses to bludgeoning ex-wives over the head, he’s now moved on to stealing his own car. With creditors snapping at his heels, he came up with the bright idea of selling his car and then telling everyone it had been stolen. At this rate, by Christmas he’ll be selling baby Bethany on the Internet to the Kilshaws.

There are also cash flow problems over at the factory. Mike agreed to supply a large order of Gareth Gates Pants for Dev’s cousin and promised the girls big bonuses if they finished on time. Unfortunately for them, it turns out that Dev’s cousin is about as reliable as the stitching on an Underworld gusset and his cheque bounced. He’s clearly a brave man though: having a fuming Mike Baldwin chasing after you is one thing (he’d only be able to punch up to your knees anyway) but having twenty rabid factory girls is another.

And to make matters worse for poor Mike, it looks Karen McDonald will be asking him for her old job back. Karen’s job in a designer furniture store (think Ikea pine covered in leopard skin off-cuts from Underworld) didn’t last very long. As hard as she tried, she couldn’t hide the fact that she thought Starke was the TV partner of Hutch.

Things are looking up on the job front for Sally though. Somehow she’s managed to convince Peter to take her on at the bookies. With Aunt Sally behind the counter, his profits are going to take a nosedive. It won’t be long before she’s lecturing punters on how they should be spending their money on fish fingers for their kids and not on the 12-1 long shot at Ripon.

Ashley has come clean that is was him who defaced the plaque outside their house, changing it from ‘Balmoral’ to ‘Immoral’. I find it hard to believe; Ashley wouldn’t know how to spell ‘Immoral’.

Vera, though, is still persisting on calling her stoneclad shack ‘The Rectory’ and has even gone as far as getting Kirk to print up calling card announcing the fact. ”Who’s Jock Duckwort?” asked Betty when Vera proudly handed her a card. Vera hasn’t paid much attention to Jack in the 30-odd years they’ve been married, so I doubt she’s going to start worrying about a little thing like his name now.

Posted: 6th, September 2002 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Ave It All Maria

‘Tricky Dicky’s money worries are spiralling out of control. The bank is threatening to close in on his loan, his swanky flats are now worth slightly less than a caravan in the Ukraine and the wedding bills are piling in. Gail has agreed to re-mortgage the house for him but on hearing that the bank will only lend her £17,000, Richard knows it’s time to turn to desperate measures.

Rather than get out the shovel, which seems to be his favourite method of parting women from their money, he decides to convince Audreh that she’s going mad and get power of attorney over her money. Audreh’s grasp on reality has always been tenuous to say the least (she still maintains that she’s under 50) so it shouldn’t take too much to tip her over the edge.

Someone else who’s clearly mental is Kevin: having escaped the clutches of the Black Widow once, he’s now back for a second dose. Last week Kevin and Sally shared an intimate moment over the washing up bowl but the morning after, Sally decided it had all been a horrible mistake. ”I wish I had mistakes like that in my life,” signed Eileen when Sally whinged to her over a digestive.

But of course nothing is ever good enough for Little Miss Perfect. Sally should get down on her knees and thank God that she’s got someone who’s prepared to care for her and her two devil children and live off a diet of spaghetti hoops for the rest of their lives.

Maria knows when she’s on to a good thing, and she’s 20 years younger than Sally. The lovely hairdresser agreed to go to Canada with Nick and even Tyrone’s last minute to dash to the airport couldn’t change her mind. Something tells me that Tyrone shouldn’t give up hope though as I suspect that the charms of living with a cardboard boy will wear off soon enough.

There’s also love brewing between Fiz and Kirk. A more perfect couple it’s difficult to imagine, they’re the Krankies on acid. Shelly and Peter are also back together as Peter finally realised that his best mate Kieran was actually a member of Boyzone in disguise and kicked him out.

Ken is getting into his role as the Weatherfield Gazette’s Agony Aunt, Hermione, with alarming ease. He’ll be sporting floral smocks before long and appearing on ‘This Morning’, offering advice on the menopause. Everyone who said that Ken was an old woman are about to be proved right.

Posted: 2nd, September 2002 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Doreen Goes Doo-Lally

‘THE Hillmans are back from honeymoon and they walk right into a Dame Shirley Porter style housing scandal. Richard is devastated to discover that a prisoners’ charity has bought the house next door to the flats he refurbished and now all the buyers have pulled out.

You’d think that Richard would be more accommodating to prisoners’ needs though, seeing as he’s probably going to be one himself by the end of the year. Richard faces financial ruin as he’s been robbing Peter (and not to mention murdering, ex wives) to pay Paul and the bank is demanding its money back.

Gail offers to re-mortgage her house to bail him out and Richard, having no other little old ladies on hand to con, has to agree. Which means that Gail is set to lose not only her husband but also her home when the truth about Richard finally comes out. There must be sixteen million people counting down the days.

Nick has persuaded Maria to leave Weatherfield for Canada (bet that was difficult) after explaining that it’s all over between him and his girlfriend. But something tells me the closest Maria will get to Canada will be the Rocky Road ice cream stall at Manchester airport as Tyrone makes a dash to declare his undying love to her.

Poor Maria, it’s a difficult choice to make: how do you choose between the missing link and an extra from Planet of The Apes?

Maxine’s mother Doreen is making quite an impression in Weatherfield. Apart from resembling the bride of Frankenstein and scaring small children, she’s also managed to catch the eye of Mike Baldwin. He decides to dump Audrah and take Doreen to an important business dinner instead.

But unfortunately the gin and the HRT patches have an adverse reaction and Doreen goes a bit mental, crying into her stuffed avocado about how she’s on the scrapheap at 45 (ahem). Doreen also decides that Maxine and Ashley need to smarten up their image and christens their house ‘Balmoral’, much to the amusement of the neighbours.

Although the fact that the Peacocks live in a house full of mentally subnormal men and vain, shallow women, it’s perfectly fitting that they chose to name their house ‘Balmoral’. ‘

Posted: 19th, August 2002 | In: Strange But True | Comment