Anorak

Strange But True | Anorak - Part 235

Strange But True Category

Weird, offbeat and bizarre news from around the world. Funny, strange & odd news stories that make you wince, laugh and fear for humanity.

Mother’s Milk

‘A NEW Zealand prostitute is offering customers an extra service at the brothel where she works – fresh breast milk.

The 25-year-old, who gave birth six weeks ago, said the idea was suggested by a client and claimed business was booming since she started advertising the service.

However, fears have been raised about the hygiene implications of what she is doing.

La Leche League director Rosemary Gordon warned that there could be a risk of infectious diseases, like herpes, hepatitis and tuberculosis, being spread through cross-infection between the baby, clients and the mother.

But the prostitute, who goes by the name of Brooke, insists she washes herself with hot salt water and showers before feeding her son, and does not believe there was a risk of cross-infection.

‘My kid comes first,’ she said.’

Posted: 24th, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Ray Feels Peculiar

‘PETER Barlow has a larger capacity for self-deception than Jeffery Archer himself – and, like Archer, it’s only a matter of time before his incredible arrogance causes his downfall.

‘Eeny, meany, miny, mo…’

Peter and Shelly were due to get married this week – in spite of the small fact that Peter is actually already married to Lucy. Peter didn’t seem to think this was a problem though, although Shelly’s mum Bev did. How unreasonable!

On the eve of the wedding, Ciaran let slip to her that Peter had been seeing another woman. Bev told Shelly who then told Peter that she never wanted to see him again.

But in Soapland, ‘never’ usually constitutes about an episode and, true to form, weasel Peter managed to turn things round so that he actually blamed Shelly.

‘You’re throwing away your only chance at happiness,’ he told her. ‘How could you do it to us?’ Amazingly, Shelly agreed to marry Peter and happily trotted off down the aisle looking like a pig in a duvet.

And of course as luck – or the scriptwriters – would have it – who should be in the registry office next door at the very same time but Lucy: registering her (and Peter’s) son’s birth.

Producers had shot three different endings to the wedding and in the end went for the one that drags the storyline out the longest. Quelle surprise!

In the end, Shelly and Peter got married without a hitch, in spite of Tracy threatening to speak up at the ‘does anyone know any lawful impediment?’ bit.

Tracy had more mischief to make though, when she set out to win her one penny bet with Bev that she could seduce Roy. Hayley was away tending to a sick relative so Tracy offered to ‘look after’ Roy at the wedding.

Which is a bit like putting Ozzie Osborne in charge of a bat sanctuary.

When Tracy realised that Roy wasn’t going to crack, she drugged his drink with the date-rape drug she found at Shelly’s hen night. ‘I – I feel a bit peculiar,’ Roy stuttered while unloosening his tie and turning red. Tracy offered to take him home.

‘You’re a regular angel,’ taxi driver Mick told Tracy as she carried Roy into her house. The sort of ‘angel’ you find down Stringfellow’s Cabaret of Angels perhaps.

Mercifully we were spared any bedroom scenes and the next episode opened with poor Roy stuffing his pants into his pocket and running out. Tracy was sporting her best smirk face as she claimed her penny from Bev.

But when Ken found out, he demanded that the gurning monster tell Roy nothing happened or he’d throw her out. ‘He’s a broken man,’ shouted Ken. Not as much of a broken man as Hayley’s going to be when she finds out though.

Posted: 23rd, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Silence Is Golden

‘MANY couples have different ways of making their marriages work, but most tend to agree that communication is the key.

Except one Chinese man and wife, whose recipe for wedded bliss has involved not talking to each other for five years.

The middle-aged husband and wife from Leiqing, Zhejiang province, used to argue day and night until in 1998 they decided the only way to save their marriage was not to speak to each other or even acknowledge the other’s existence.

They continue to live under the same roof and sleep in the same bed – and the husband proudly boasts: ‘We haven’t had an argument in five years.’ ‘

Posted: 23rd, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Jumbo Dictionary

‘TWO Swedish zoo keepers are off to Thailand to learn the language so they can issue commands to a pair of elephants given as a present to the King and Queen of Sweden on a visit to the country earlier this year.

Magnus Nilsson, boss of Sweden’s Kolmaarden safari park (which had to destroy all five of its elephants recently after they were infected with tuberculosis), said the alternative was teaching the elephants Swedish.

The pair will also attend a special training camp for elephant keepers in readiness for the jumbos’ arrival in October.’

Posted: 22nd, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


French Letters

‘LIKE Canute trying to stop the tide, the French government is desperately fighting the spread of English words in the language. Its latest step is to ban the word ‘e-mail’ in all its ministries, documents, publications and websites and replace it with ‘courriel’.

The Culture Ministry ruled: ‘Evocative, with a very French sound, the word courriel is broadly used in the press and competes advantageously with the borrowed mail in English.’

The trouble is that most of France hasn’t got a clue what it means. Marie-Christine Levet, president of French ISP Club Internet, said: ‘Protecting the language is normal, but e-mail’s so assimilated now that no one thinks of it as American. Courriel would just be a new word to launch.’

Posted: 21st, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Bare Cheek

‘WHO says the Germans have no sense of humour? Okay, hands down – all of you.

The fact is, as any Austrian will tell you, Germans are all about fun. And no group is more fun than local councillors in Krov, a town in the Mosel wine-producing region and home of the Krover Nacktarsch brew.

The new community centre was in need of a name so the local dignitaries chose Nacktarschalle – the Naked Arse Centre.

Elmar Trossen, the town’s mayor, says: ‘Can you imagine being invited to a wedding reception or holding a classical concert at the Naked Arse Centre?’

Posted: 18th, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Bloomin’ Marvellous

‘SEA View Terrace, Burry Port, Wales is bloomin’ lovely.

The council-maintained borders and flowers pots are full of large red flowers.

These blooms are a big hit with visitors who have been seen picking the flowers to take home.

But now Carmarthenshire County Council has ordered the plants to be removed after learning their true identity.

A local botanist identified the poppies as the papaver somniferum variety, a species big in the opium trade. ‘

Posted: 17th, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Lessons In Love

‘ENGLISH teachers who want a job abroad are hereby directed towards an advert in a Romanian newspaper.

In looking for an English tutor for his child, a Romanian man has placed an advertisement in his local rag that reads: ‘Married man, looking for nice student who knows English for tutoring child. Home and sex included.’

It’s the kind of offer that further shows how far our domestic education system has slipped behind the rest of Europe.’

Posted: 16th, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


A Real Ball-Breaker

‘WHEN most burglars break into a house they don’t believe their escapade will leave their testicles impaled on a broken window in the victim’s bathroom.

It’s what happened to a man in Crowthorne, Berkshire. When the man screamed he was dying, Joyce Edwards, the 80-year-old homeowner, replied: ‘Good.’

Woken by the sound of breaking glass, then screams, Joyce went to her bathroom and saw the man dangling on shards of glass in his groin. Rather than help him, Joyce ran out the house.

By the time police arrived to make an arrest, the assailant had lost four points of blood.’

Posted: 15th, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Shelly’s Heroes

‘SHELLY had her hen night this week, in the newly discovered/ built Weatherfield Arms. ‘I just want a quiet night,’ she told Tracy before being whisked off onto the dance floor and force-fed double gins.

And the bride wore vomit

Someone else had other plans for Shelly that night in the shape of random extra, Bob.

Bob was on a dare with his mate to see how many women they could sleep with (let’s face it, you’d have to be on a dare to pull Shelly), and decided that a bride-to-be on her hen night was the best a man could get.

After she rejected his advances, he decided to play dirty and drug her drink. Tracy realised what was going on and managed to stop him – not before Bob landed a punch on Ciaran, who’d come in to try and find Sunita.

To be fair, though, punching Keith Duffy in the face can hardly be classed as a crime. Ciaran went to hospital to get a check up (‘no, still no sign of his brain’) and as luck – and soap coincidence – would have it, who should he bump into there but Lucy, about to give birth.

Ciaran phoned Peter who rushed to the Weatherfield General labour ward which, luckily for him, is about the only ward not run by Martin Platt.

Lucy refused to see him until he told her that he’d broken up with Shelly ‘months ago’. ‘I only hope me wedding day is less eventful than me hen night,’ said Shelly. I wouldn’t count on it, love.

Elsewhere on the Street, love is running more smoothly for Curly and Emma, who have kissed and made up, and for Steve and Karen.

Steve had tracked down the international master criminal to her aunt’s flat on a council estate. After a lot of close-up sobbing scenes, Karen agreed to go back to Weatherfield with Steve to resume her career of bitching and backstabbing.

She’ll need to fight hard to regain her Bitch Of The Street title though as Tracy Barlow is a hot young contender. After trying – and failing – to pull a pensioner (Wally), an Asian David Essex impersonator (Dev) and Steve, she’s now undertaken a bet with Bev to pull that well-known ladies man, Roy Cropper.

‘I’m more of a woman than you’ll ever be,’ she spat at poor Hayley. Well, that much at least is true.

Posted: 14th, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Pedigree Chums

‘GIVEN the recent stories about German cannibals, it is not such big news to say that our Teutonic friends have interesting tastes.

Now Uwe Dressler, 45, and Alexander Neumeister, 31, from Dresden have produced a recipe book for cooking with dog meat.

Their work, The Cold Dog, lists the ways they like to cook up poodles, terriers and Afghan hounds.

It is against the law to eat dog meat in Germany but the writers say they won’t let this stop them.

‘Dog meat is low in fat and easy to digest,’ Dressler says. ‘We’re calling for it to be legalised.’ ‘

Posted: 14th, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Between A Rock And A Hard Face

‘POOR Peter Barlow: stuck between a rock (Shelly) and a hard face (Lucy). With his wedding only a couple of weeks away, he’s dithering like an out-of-contract West Ham player.

‘Come into my kennel…’

Shelly’s mum Bev is getting suspicious and later this week she manages to get Ciaran to confess that Peter ‘was’ involved with someone else.

Apparently producers have shot three different endings to Shelly’s wedding day scenes but it’s a fairly safe bet that whatever happens, Peter’s not going to be capable of fathering any more children for a long, long time.

The mighty Karen McDonald is back where she belongs – with Steve and propping up the Rovers’ bar with a pint in her hand.

At the moment she’s eating humble pie as Janice, Mike and Fizz rage at her for her failed scheme to put them all out of jobs, but this is Karen – she always ends up on top (which as we all know is her favourite position).

‘Don’t worry love,’ Steve comforted her, ‘you won’t be public enemy number one for long.’ And how right he was; within the space of an episode, reigning champion Tracy Barlow regained that title.

Tracy has made a bet with Bev that she can get Roy Cropper into bed and is pulling out all her best seduction techniques. Which strangely seem to consist of her leering at Roy in The Rovers and offering him driving lessons.

Hayley could bear it no longer and tipped a bucket of ice over her. ‘What’s the matter?’ sneered Tracy. ‘Frightened of competition from a real woman, one with ovaries and breasts?’

I fear, gentle reader, that we’re in for much worse from Ms Barlow, as she drugs Roy and rapes him in the next couple of weeks.

There’s more sexual scandal in the Street as Martin succumbs to the ‘charms’ of Katy and sleeps with her later this week. There’s a lot been made about this ‘shocking’ storyline but anyone who’s seen her can testify that Katy’s actually 112 in dog years.

Especially with her new hair do, she’s a dead ringer for Doreen from Birds of a Feather. Martin made his move at the hospital disco where Katie’s working in the canteen. ‘I can’t help the way I feel,’ he told her.

Don’t worry Martin, you won’t have that problem soon – when dad Tommy finds out, you won’t have any feeling at all as he breaks every bone in your body.

Posted: 14th, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Incredible Hulk

‘ACTION Man famously doesn’t have one, but the Incredible Hulk does. Ask six-year-old Leah Lowland, who won the Hulk doll at a fair on Brighton Pier and noticed that it had a mystery bulge under its ripped purple shorts.

When she investigated, she discovered that the toy, which is made in Valencia in Spain, came complete with two-inch penis. Mother Kim, from Biggin Hill, Kent, says the dolls should be banned.

‘A hulk with a bulk like this just shouldn’t be allowed,’ she said. ‘Considering the doll is only 12-inches tall it’s amazing how big his willy is.’ That’s why they call him the Incredible Hulk.’

Posted: 11th, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Bare Necessity

‘MARIA Ilieva, a Bulgarian ballerina who was sacked after appearing in a porn magazine, is now considering a naked protest in the country’s parliament.

She was sacked as dance director of ballet productions at the Sofia Opera House, after appearing topless in the latest Bulgarian edition of Playboy. She says she was making a protest at the lack of promotion for ballet in the country – and may now take her protest to the very top.

‘I did it out of desperation,’ she said. ‘It’s a cry of despair, or rather a scream to make people aware that the National Ballet exists. My colleagues suggest we go to parliament naked to make them see us. I am desperate. We just have no hope. We are a very good team but we survive thanks to magic and enthusiasm which is about to run out.”

Posted: 10th, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Bum Deal

‘ITALIAN men are known the world over for their wandering eyes (and occasionally wandering hands).

But they will have to clean up their act quickly after the country’s High Court overturned a controversial ruling that decreed that pinching a woman’s bottom was not a crime.

In January 2001, it was decreed that it was not a crime for a man to pinch or touch a woman’s bottom provided it was a ‘sudden and isolated action.’

But a panel of judges sitting in Rome have decided that that is no way to treat a woman.

‘Fondling buttocks, unquestionably constitutes a sexual act because the perpetrator commits a substantive and concrete intrusion into the victim’s sexual sphere,’ they said.

‘Such acts, albeit superficial, amount to assault.”

Posted: 9th, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Love At First Site

‘A 22-YEAR-OLD single mother in Norway has received 5,000 offers of a date after she advertised for love over the Internet.

The woman, known only as Vikki, has even got eight marriage proposals after setting up a website, featuring pictures and video recordings of herself.

However, she says she still hasn’t found anyone suitable.

‘I am shocked at the amount of interest I have received,’ the blonde mother-of-two said. ‘I never thought a homepage could bring this amount of interest. I believe in true love.

‘Only time will show when I will meet the man of my dreams. It could be online or at the grocer’s tomorrow.’

Only men from Bergen should apply, however, as Vikki has said she will never move from her hometown.’

Posted: 8th, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


What A Carry-On!

‘ESTONIAN couple Margo Uusorg and Egle Soll have underlined their dominance in the Wife-Carrying World Championships by beating 22 other pairs to win the title for the third year in a row.

To emphasise the Estonian hold on the trophy, Margo Uusorg’s younger brother, Madis, and his partner Ivi Loomets finished second.

About 8,000 spectators turned up to watch the event on the small Finnish town of Sonkajarvi and see the couples tackle a 253-metre track, which featured water and timber obstacles.

Estonians have now won the event every year since pioneering a new technique in 1998.

Such is their dominance that organisers introduced a separate contest this year in which partners had to be married and wives had to be carried piggy-back.

It was also won by an Estonian couple.’

Posted: 7th, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Magical Mystery Tour

‘WHAT happens after your child has boarded the school bus? An insight into this burning question has been provided by a school bus driver from Bury, Greater Manchester.

What was supposed to be a simple 10-minute trip to school became a 2-hour journey into the unknown when the driven became lost.

Getting to Tottington High School was proving to be a problem, which became worse when he asked directions of a group of school children. They, of course, sent him off in completely the wrong direction.

When he did arrive at a school, it was the wrong one. ‘

Posted: 4th, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


It Could Be You

‘FRANE Selak is a lucky man. Or is he unlucky? To date, the Croatian has had seven accidents.

He survived when the train on which he was travelling left the track and dived into a river in 1962. In 1963, he was sucked out a plane door, but landed on haystack.

In 1966, he was on a bus that did as the train did and took a river swim. He has been driving in two cars that have ‘exploded’. He has been hit by a bus – presumably before it plunged into an icy stream.

And in 1995, he leapt from an out-of-control car and landed in a tree – the car flew down a ravine.

On a brighter note, he has just won £600,000 on the Croatian national lottery ‘

Posted: 3rd, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Stupid Burglar

‘STUPIDITY knows few bounds, especially where crime and America is concerned.

So when a man in Stillwater, Oklahoma, saw an advert for a job at a building company, he went for it.

And he knew the firm well – better than he should – since on the previous day he had burgled it.

Halfway through his interview, he was arrested after a keen-eyed worker recognised his face from the CCTV pictures of his caper.’

Posted: 2nd, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Fair Call

‘WHAT is your wife worth to you? Could a price be placed upon her head? Such a thought entered the mind of a businessman in China, who went to buy a new mobile phone.

He wanted to try out the new Nokia outside the store before making a purchase and agreed to leave a deposit, a guarantee that he would return.

So he left a packet of cash and his wife. And then decided not to come back – ever!

Investigations found that the cash was, in reality, just waste paper and the ‘wife’ was an unmarried woman he had met three days before.’

Posted: 1st, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Stick To Tghts

‘DESPERATE times call for desperate measures, and so it was for the robber who tried to steal from a supermarket in Blackwood, south Wales.

His perfect crime began to go awry when the pair of underpants he had pulled onto his head in order to conceal his identity slipped. Shaken, but undeterred, the robber grabbed the till with such a mighty heave that it came loose of its moorings and smacked him in the face.

He then fled – bleeding.

Said a policeman: ”He had two holes cut in the pants to see through, but this does not seem to have been the best prepared attempt.”’

Posted: 30th, June 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Tracy Luv You Long Time

‘THE Street’s very own Bonnie and Clyde rode off into the sunset last week, not with the proceeds of Mike’s factory but with their tails between their legs.

”Tracy! Did you order a spring roll?”

Karen had confessed all to Mike on the promise that he’s not go to the police and that she’d get her job back.

You’d think that Karen would have been working for Mike long enough to realise that his promises are about as reliable as a Connex train timetable – once he’d got her to sign a confession, he promptly told her that she had to pay him eight grand in compensation or leave the Street forever.

As Karen’s collection of Ratners jewellery was never going to come close to that amount, she was forced to leave the Street alone and in tears.

”Good riddance to bad rubbish,” remarked Janice on hearing the news. Steve, however, feels otherwise and, after Hayley told him that Karen hasn’t gone off with Joe after all, Steve has vowed to track her down.

But even he hasn’t been pining too hard for Karen during her absence as he decided to make use of Weatherfield’s latest leisure facility, Tracy Barlow.

On hearing that Steve was to spend his birthday alone, Tracy decided to give him a very special present to unwrap. ”Fancy a Chinese?” she whispered into his ear. ”How do you like it? Hot and spicy or cool and creamy?”

And just like a dodgy takeaway, anyone who samples Tracy is left feeling a bit sick. ”You can’t just dump me like this Steve,” she wailed in the Rovers.

Hayley had just been lecturing Tracy on how shallow and meaningless all her relationships are only minutes before and Tracy decides to take her anger out on the harmless, well-meaning ladyboy.

According to the tabloids, Tracy Luv is set to spike Roy’s drink and pretend that she’d slept with him. In what way is pretending to sleep with Roy Cropper going to enhance her reputation? Even her mum, Deirdre, wouldn’t stoop that low.

Posted: 30th, June 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Johnny Foreigner

‘A NORWEGIAN condom manufacturer has sparked a row in the country after urging people to have sex in public places, such as the royal palace and parliament.

RFSU has launched a campaign, called Discover Oslo’s Pearls, which displays prominent tourist sites with large white arrows to point out possible spots for sex.

Manager Tone-Berit Lintho says: ”Sex is something fine and maybe at its best outdoors. The campaign flirts humorously with this theme, while reminding about condom use. I think both the palace and politicians will have a twinkle in their eye and see the humour in the campaign. We know that young people have sex and they don’t appreciate moralising admonitions.”

However, police insist that having sex in a public place is illegal in Norway and people who are caught in the act risk stiff penalties, including fines and even a year in prison.’

Posted: 27th, June 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Well, I Never

‘POLICE in Switzerland surely don’t have the most demanding job in the world, so they must have been pretty excited when they were called out to tackle a deadly snake.

The cops turned out in force after residents of Allschwil near Basel claim to have spotted the snake down a well.

After confirming that it was not one of the slow-worms resident to the area, officers decided that the long green snake was a deadly African Mamba.

But after poking the deadly snake with a long stick for over an hour, it dawned on the police that it was in fact nothing more dangerous than a rubber toy.

”The light in the well was poor and from where we were standing it looked real,” a police spokesman said. ‘

Posted: 26th, June 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment