Anorak

Tabloids | Anorak - Part 22

Tabloids Category

The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.

No, the football sex abuse scandal is not bigger than Hillsborough

IT’S “FOOTBALL’s BIGGEST EVER CRISIS,” says the Daily Mirror as it continues to lead with the sex abuse story. Is it? Is it bigger than the Hillsborough disaster that saw 96 people lose their lives and be branded criminals by the State’s lying police force? Barry Bennell, the awful man at the epicentre of the story, is a convicted paedophile. He’s now been charged with eight sexual assaults involving a boy under 14 dating between 1981 and 1985.

 

football-abuse-barry-bennell

 

Bennell has been living as a free man in Milton Keynes. Is that justice? Eric Bristow thought it not. He said he’d have smashed the “poof” Bennell’s face in, as “real men” should. The men who did not confront their abuser are “wimps”. For expressing his crass opinion on twitter, Bristow has been sacked as a pundit on Sky Sports and paraded throughout the media as a pariah, an enemy of any right-minded human being.

You could compare Bristow to Eamonn Holmes, the Sky News presenter who earlier this year said an attack by West Ham fans on the Manchester United team bus was like Hillsborough.  “Now this is going back to the 70s and to the 80s to everything you were seeing that was bad about Hillsborough for instance,” opined Holmes on the TV. Unlike Bristow, he wasn’t shunned, and sacked.

Does the media operate a hierarchy of outrage, with being ‘unlawfully killed’ and branded a killer – and do consider 10-year-old Jon-Paul Gilhooley, the youngest to die in the horror (the coroner ordered a sample of his blood to be checked for signs of alcohol), Phillip Hammond (14), Victoria Jane Hicks (15), Peter Andrew Harrison (15), Lee Nicol (14), Philip John Steele (15) and Kevin Tyrrell (15) – lower in the table than child abuse, the horror that can be a useful way to showcase your own sound morals?

Holmes apologised and kept his job. Bristow deleted his tweets, apologised and lost his.

 

 hillsborough the sun the truth

Hillsborough-daily-star

 

When 96 people died at the football in 1989, the media blamed the victims, the State stomped on their relatives and presented all football fans as suspects. It took an arduous 26 year fight for the Hillsborough campaigners to be told the blameless dead had been unlawfully killed.

The story of sexual abuse in football is grim. Child sex abuse is an evil. But to say it is a worse football scandal than the horrors of Hillsborough is a cop out. Bennell is alive. Bennell’s victims are speaking out and being heard. They could have spoken out earlier. They might be heard in court yet. Bennell appears to have attempted suicide. He’s thought to be in the Lister Hospital, Stevenage.

The story of sex abuse in football has faces to attack, blame and shun.

The victims of Hillsborough could not speak. The coppers who lied to make killers of the victims all escaped court. They still await justice. Maybe the bereaved and abused should do as Bristow advises, take the law into their own hands and crack skulls. But that’s not easy when the weight of the State is against you. Where do you begin?

 

Posted: 30th, November 2016 | In: Key Posts, Reviews, Sports, Tabloids | Comment


Manchester United balls: Why everything’s ‘wrong’ at Old Trafford (it’s not Mourinho)

“What wrong at Old Trafford,” asks the Sun’s Neil Curtis? Nothing. Manchester United are in great shape. This we know because on 6th September 2016 Neil Curtis told us about the “RED-OLUTION” at Old Trafford. “Jose Mourinho has turned Manchester United around to become the force of old in just three months,” said Curtis. Mourinho has “lifted the clouds” at United. “Mourinho is trusting the players abilities, letting them breathe.”

 

the sun mourinho jose Manchester United Neil Curtis

 

Today Curtis tells us that Manchester United have had their “worst start to a season in 27 years”. Why? Well, it’s not because Jose Mourinho is failing. It’s about him “unpicking Louis Van Gaal’s philosophy”. That would be Van Gaal who unpicked David Moyes’ philosophy. (You can read more about Jose’s philosophy here.)

Curtis adds that United have “NO TOP-CLASS STRIKER”. Really. Because Curtis wrote:

In his £250m splurge, LVG made two that excited but could not get the best out of either in Angel Di Maria and Memphis Depay. Mourinho has made four and so far Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Paul Pogba and Eric Bailly have been immediate hits.

And:

Zlatan Ibrahimovic has got his Manchester United career off to a blistering start

Another reasons: “NEW SIGNINGS STRUGGLING.” So much for Mourinho’s “immediate hits”.

And finally, lest you think Curtis will blame Mourinho, he asks himself: “Have they got the right manager?” “In my opinion,” says Curtis, “most definitely they have.”

Next question is one of ours: Would Manchester United fans prefer to have signed Jurgen Klopp or Pep Guardiola instead of the chippy Mourinho?

Over in the Mail, you can read: “Inside the troubled World of Mourinho – An obsessive man at odds with himself and his players.” So much for the RED-VOLUTION.

 

Posted: 29th, November 2016 | In: Back pages, manchester united, Sports, Tabloids | Comment


Arsenal balls: Hector Bellerin’s Christmas comes early and ‘superb’ Carl Jenkinson is dropped permanently

When Gabriel came on for Arsenal as replacement for the injured Mathieu Debuchy in yesterday’s Premier League match against Bournemouth, Arsene Wenger was not surprised. “When I picked the squad I imagined that something could happen to Debuchy,” said the Arsenal manager.

Gabriel, the pacy Brazilian with the look of a 1950s mobster, was not all that convincing in the role. Should Arsenal fans be panicked? The Evening Standard says they should be, noting that “a fit Carl Jenkinson” was “left entirely out of the squad after two disappointing displays against Manchester United and Paris St Germain”.

He was dropped. Not rested?

At the United match, Carl Jenkinson made his first Premier League start for Arsenal in over two years. The Standard said “there’ll be a few more ahead of him with Hector Bellerin sidelined for around a month.” (Bellerin was injured on November 6).

So how did Jenkinson play against United? Well, the Standard told us: “Jenkinson defends superbly.”

The Mirror scored Jenkinson as Arsenal’s joint best defender in the 1-1 draw at Old Trafford: “Jenkinson – 7. Solid defensively, didn’t get much chance to go forward but passed a big test.”

How did Jenkinson do against PSG? The Standard’s live blog told us:

Jenkinson gets in a crossing position… and blazes his effort over the bar. It is greeted with major moans from the Emirates faithful but what more are you expecting from a reserve right back just back from a serious injury?

The Mirror told its readers: “Jenkinson 7 – Worked hard, got forward and played his heart out. Very committed.”

The Express had a score: “Worked hard and got forward well – 7

So back to the Standard, then, which ignores its own reports to say that Jenkinson has no future at the Gunners. James Benge writes:

Having dispensed with Jenkinson for Sunday’s game Wenger now has no choice but to persevere with the 24-year-old for at least the next fortnight, with Bellerin potentially sidelined until Christmas.

From being “superb” and worth a 7 out of 10 – and this a from player returning from a lengthy injury (“What more can you expect?”) – Jenkinson is now not even an option.

Oh, and is Bellerin out until Christmas? It’s unlikely. Because four days ago the Sun reported: “HEC OF A BOOST Arsenal injury news: Hector Bellerin hands Gunners boss Arsene Wenger a boost as he is set to return to training next week.”

Look out for more utter balls in newspapers’ football reporting every day.

 

Posted: 28th, November 2016 | In: Arsenal, Sports, Tabloids | Comment


Top politicians cleared of sex abuse but showbiz and sport is full of paedos

Are you confused by all the story of paedophiles in every walk of life? Hopefully by around 2099, the Government’s nationwide trawl of historic sex crimes will be completed. Of course, by then most famous faces will be long dead. The sane move is to forcibly freeze anyone of note and then when they get accused of an awful crime defrost them over burning torches and then beat them with sticks. Sure their brains might be mush but don’t let Lord Janner’s story put you off.

So weird has the story gotten that the Mail is not alone in realising that the story of the systematic sexual abuse of minors has taken on a life of its own.

On the front we get to know that former prime minister and Tory MP Ted Heath (dead) was not a nonce.

 

daily mail ted heath

 

But on the back we get to know that football and all other sports are riddled with paedos – maybe.

 

sport daily mail sex crimes

 

Look down not up, says the class-conscious peado hunter.

As Andy Dawson puts it: “Showbiz, sport, this stuff is/was rife. BUT NOT IN TOP-LEVEL POLITICS, OKAY?”

Posted: 27th, November 2016 | In: Back pages, Reviews, Sports, Tabloids | Comment


Punters suspicious of Daily Star fixed Lotto story

Is the Lotto fixed? We never thought it was. But the Star leads with news of a “new ‘FIX’ FURY”. The BBC has called time on the live Lotto draw broadcast on BBC1. From January, the falling balls will appear on the Beeb’s steaming iPlayer and not on TV channels. This has left “punters fuming” says the Star.

 

lotto-daily-star

 

On Page 9, we read that Lottery “bosses are facing new fix claims”. The thinking is that if the draw is not live on the telly, gamblers will “have to log on to the BBC iPlayer to watch the draw – meaning many are unlikely to see the balls coming out of the machine”. The many are “elderly people unable to use the internet”.  The Star says the draw will be live on Facebook, but because that is on the elderly-proof Internet, it’s useless, too.

A “regular player” tells the paper: “Far fewer people will see the live draw, and they’ll be suspicious of the numbers as a result.”

What the Star doesn’t tell you is what the Radio Times does tell you – “the winning numbers will be announced after news bulletins at intervals during the week.”

The Star also forgets to tell readers that its owned by Richard Desmond – the Press baron who also owns the Health Lottery, a rival to the Lotto.

Posted: 25th, November 2016 | In: Reviews, Tabloids | Comment


The Arsenal star and Little Mix singer’s secret dates at The Emirates

The Sun has news that Perrie Edwards, a singer with X-Factor products Little Mix, has been on “dates” with Arsenal footballer Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain. Apparently, she watched Arsenal play Spurs from Alex’s “personal box at the Emirates’ Stadium”. Perrie sat in the wingback seats at the Emirates library after browsing the club shop.

We then learn that Perrie is “keen to keep the relationship quiet”.  An unnamed source hammers this point hime by opining in the national tabloid: “They don’t follow each other on social media as they know a connection might give the game away.”

Better to sit in the player’s own box amid 60,000 other souls at a televised football match to keep it on the hush-hush.

PS: This is how the Sun followed up its scoop:

 

Oxlade-Chamberlain Perrie Edwards

 

Rose Hill writes:

LITTLE Mix’s Perrie Edwards showed that she was fully over her ex Luke Pasqualino – by wearing her new man’s team colours as she hit the stage in Italy.

Here’s the replica Arsenal strip Perrie wore:

Oxlade-Chamberlain Perrie Edwards

 

Arsenal play in red and white. Edwards is wearing red and black.

Such are the facts.

Posted: 25th, November 2016 | In: Arsenal, Celebrities, Sports, Tabloids | Comment


Barry Bennell: Manchester City implicated and Jimmy Savile exhumed in football’s peado scandal

The peado-hunt has reached football. Following the grim news that young players were molested by coaches, the Mail leads its sports coverage with a story that Manchester City are in a “sex abuse probe”. Is the entire club is in some way linked to paedophilia? Surely not. It makes you hanker for those wholesome days of randy footballers, glamour models, spit roasts at the Grosvenor hotel and super-injunctions. Seedy stuff it was was, but always between consenting adults.

The Mail’s story is overblown. City are looking at the club’s links with convicted paedophile Barry Bennell, who “coached junior teams connected to City”. The club is doing the sensible thing and looking into if Bennell ever represented City. We don’t know if he did, let alone if he abused any youngsters on City’s books.

The Mail seems to be linking a Premier League club with a lower-league scandal – Bennell was employed by Crewe Alexandra.

Over in the Mirror, which has twice this week led with the story on its front page, page 9 features a remarkable headline: “Rooney tells footy sex victims: Don’t suffer in silence.” That’s Manchester United and England’s Wayne Rooney. He wants anyone who has suffered to contact the new NSPCC hotline. ‘NSPCC chief Peter Wanless hoped Rooney would “give courage to those who may be afraid of coming forward’,” says the paper. How? Rooney was not molested. How does Rooney’s endorsement help middle-aged men confront their past? It all carries a faint whiff of PR, a chance for leading figures to be on the side of the right against a wrong anyone sane should know is criminal and revolting. Creating a sense of moral purpose from the pursuit of child-abusers is crass. But that’s how the peado-panic has been manifest for years. Child abuse stopped being about the victims and listening to someone regardless of age and social rank with respect when they make an allegation and into the nation’s defining characteristic.

 

Barry Bennell

 

And so the Sun. Over two page it invites readers to work out an answer to the headline poser: “Is beast Bennell the Jimmy Savile of football world?” The helpful bit about getting to any answer is that Bennell is alive and we know where he is: (Milton Keynes, says the Mirror; he’s in “hiding”, says the Sun). That makes him only half like Savile, who is decomposing, having died a blameless national treasure. The unhelpful bit is that the Sun’s story contains not a single fact linking Bennell to Savile. Other than in the headline, the Sun’s story on a convicted paedophile contains only one mention of the gibbering Yorkshire DJ – “the scandal now described as “potentially worse than Savile“.’

It’s lamentable that something as abhorrent as child abuse should be sensationalised. When being against child abuse is your media’s campaign, the bar has been set lower than Savile’s upturned toes.

Posted: 25th, November 2016 | In: Key Posts, Manchester City, Reviews, Sports, Tabloids | Comments (2)


Dr Morton’s rings The Donald Trump Death Cult

More on the Donald Trump Death Cult – an occasional look at media chatter on Trump’s demise. The Star being news that the US President-elect will “DIE ON THE JOB”. Jeff Farrell hears that that Trump is at “Significant risk” of dying – “if the workload as the next US president does not give him a heart attack, his missus could”.

This news comes from two medics.

dr-morton-donald trump-death

 

First up is Dr Karen Morton, billed as a “cardiologist”. There is no word that she’s ever met Trump let alone treated him. But Dr Karen has seen enough to tells us that Melania Trump will “make certain demands as a young woman in her prime”. Lest you think Dr Karen is a ghoul, she adds, “Let’s hope he doesn’t die on the job.”

The second expert is Dr Patrick Heck. He’s quoted as having told a medial conference: “He [Trump] is surely at a significant risk of a heart attack”.

Over the Express, Dr Karen is no longer a cardiologist, but “Gynaecologist Dr Karen Morton, of Dr Mortons”.

Dr Morton’s is a private medial service. We were quoted a fee of £10 per minute to speak to a doctor, after registering. An email consultation will set us back £25. The receptionist told us that, to the best of her knowledge, Dr Morton has not treated Donald Trump, father to a young child who will be surely delighted to know that such fine minds are discussing his dad’s death in the media.

It’s all done in the best possible taste, of course.

 

Posted: 24th, November 2016 | In: Politicians, Reviews, Tabloids | Comment


Media balls: PSG’s Cavani ‘cuffs’, ‘slaps’ and ‘chins’ Arsenal’s ‘playacting’ Ramsey

Should Edinson Cavani have been sent off in PSG’s Champions’ League match at Arsenal? The Star says the striker “cuffed” Arsenal’s Aaron Ramsey “on the chin”.

John Cross tells Mirror readers, “Cavani clearly aimed a punch at Aaron Ramsay. No surprise that Cavani missed Ramsey’s face.”

Tony Banks tells Express readers, “Cavani appeared to punch Aaron Ramsey on the jaw.”

Charlie Wyett tells Sun readers, “Cavani lashed out at Aaron Ramsey – he should have been sent off.”

 

cavani-arsenal daily mail

SLAP!

 

In the Mail things become more confusing. We see Cavani “losing it”. He “plants his hand into Ramsey’s neck”. Sami Mokbel says Cavani “aimed a punch at Ramsey”. The Mail says Cavani slapped Ramsey.

 

cavani-arsenal daily mail

SLAP!

 

cavani-arsenal daily mail

IN THE NECK!

 

Writing in the Mail, former referee Graham Poll counters his own paper by accusing Ramsey of “playacting”.  He says “Ramsey was not touched on his face – but Cavani escaped the yellow card he deserved”.

 

cavani-arsenal daily mail

ACT!

 

Such are the facts.

Posted: 24th, November 2016 | In: Arsenal, Back pages, Sports, Tabloids | Comment


Arsenal, PSG and the case of the missing Serge Aurier

Drama ahead of tonight’s Champions’ League between Arsenal and Paris St Germain. In an “EXCLUSIVE”, the Star thunders: “Serge Aurier’s career could be ruined after he was banned from entering Britain to face Arsenal tonight.”

You can read the same story on the Sun’s back page, where Arsenal’s hopes have received a boost from the Home Office. Aurier has been banned from entering the UK as a result of his conviction for assaulting a police officer in Paris. In September the 23-year-old Ivorian was found guilty of elbowing his victim as he left a Paris nightclub in May. He was sentenced to two months in jail and fined €600.

The club have not sacked him. The incident has not left his carder in ruins. But, apparently, not playing Arsenal might.

The Star’s twist on the story is based on the words of Aurier’s lawyer, Claire Boutaud de la Combe, who “fears  it could leave his career in tatters”. Really?

“Under France law he remains innocent until this appeal has been heard,” says de la Combe. “But such an appeal can take quite a long time, especially in Paris. It will take several months, maybe one year. We don’t understand why this has become a problem, there is no reason for his. Now this is a worry because maybe it will stop him being able to travel to other countries to play for PSG or the Ivory Coast because they will also not allow him entry.”

In February, PSG suspended Aurier for a Champions’ League match against Chelsea following comments he made about the coach, Laurent Blanc, and his team-mates on social media. The season before that, Uefa banned Aurier for three matches ‘after last season’s Champions League game against Chelsea following a video posted on Facebook in which he labelled the referee Bjorn Kuipers a “dirty son of a bitch” over the sending-off of his team-mate Ibrahimovic.’

PSG are getting used to playing Champions’ League matches without Aurier, who is, nonetheless, picked to play when not banned. His career is not in tatters. Far from it.

Oh, and to put the tin lid on this balls, note that the source is the Star, the paper that told us – yep – Aurier agreed to join the Gunners is 2014.

 

Serge Aurier Arsenal

 

A fact echoed by the Star’s sister paper, the Express:

 

Serge Aurier Arsenal

 

Aurier singed for PSG.

Posted: 23rd, November 2016 | In: Arsenal, Back pages, Sports, Tabloids | Comment


‘Madeleine McCann’ is a 21-year-old Swedish woman with Asperger’s called Embla

Madeleine McCann: a look at reporting on the missing child.

The Mirror (page 21): “‘MADDIE’ LIVING ROUGH IN ITALY IS SWEDISH STUDENT”.

Madeleine McCann was taken to Sweden, enrolled at university there before absconding to live rough in Italy? No. Tracey Kandohla tells us that Embla Jauhojarvi has been “identified” after “claims she could have been Madeleine McCann”. Madeleine McCann vanished in 2007. She was 4. Embla Jauhojarvi is 21.

 

Madeleine McCann Sweden

 

The Mirror says photos of Embla, who suffers from Asperger’s syndrome, look a bit like mock-ups of how Madeleine McCann might look were she 21-years-old and living rough on the streets of Rome.

Who on earth thought Embla could be the missing child? The Mirror notes: ” The Official Find Madeleine Campaign on Facebook, endorsed by parents Kate and Gerry McCann, alerted the Met Police.”

The story goes that Embla told Italian police her name was Maria and she was English. Italian police “said the girl was too old to be Madeleine”. Embla is 21. She is a woman. She is not a “girl”.

Daily Star (Page 6): “Hopes Dashed After Web’s ‘Maddie’ Claim”

Andrew James says Embla was “said to resemble Madeleine McCann”. She doesn’t. But she does have “the same distinctive blemish in her eye as Madeleine”. To recap: Embla is white and one of her eyes looks a bit like of the missing child’s eyes.

Say Rome police: “There has speculation but Madeleine would be 13 now and this is much older. It’s not her.”

As we look up the Italian for ‘No shit, Sherlock”, the Express has more.

 

Maria-Madeleine-McCann-Rome

Not a 13-year-old girl

 

Daily Express (Page 21): “Who is the mysterious ‘MARIA'”?

Well,  you could find out by reading the Mail’s tory of two days ago: “EXCLUSIVE: ‘That’s my girl!’ Swedish father reveals the mystery English-speaking homeless girl of Rome is his daughter, 21, who suffers from Asperger’s and vanished six months ago.”

Or you could read Dominic Midgley, who pulls on his gumshoes and writes on the woman sleeping rough in Rome:

She could not be fingerprinted because she had committed no crime but she was photographed. She stares out of the pictures with dull blue eyes that betray a resigned acceptance of her plight rather than active unhappiness…

As Midgley reads minds, we learn that Embla is daughter to Tahvo Jauhojärvi, “the owner of a gym equipment company in Stockholm.”

Mystery solved!

Daily Mail and Sun: nothing.

We all want to see a happy ending to the story of Madeleine McCann’s vanishing. But, as ever, the tabloids are going with sensation over facts. How does this help?

Posted: 23rd, November 2016 | In: Madeleine McCann, Reviews, Tabloids | Comment


Work at Buckingham Palace for ‘less than minimum wage’ and a flat in Mayfair

Buckingham Palace is been given a refit. The Mail’s Sebastian Shakespeare is shocked and dismayed that the penny-pinching Queen will not chip in to help with the £370m refurb. So tight is Her Majesty that staff are being short-changed. Below the headline “Gardener at Palace won’t get London Living Wage: Staff member would have cost of living in docked from their salary”, he writes:

The Royal Household is advertising for an experienced, qualified gardener who will be paid £17,000 per year — which works out at £8.72 an hour for a standard 37-and-a-half-hour week.

Grrr!

However, the successful applicant will, in fact, be paid less than £17,000 because they will be obliged to live in, the cost for which will be docked from their salary.

A small studio flat in Mayfair will set you back at least £2,000 a month.

And the job includes perks other than living in the Royal Mews:

You will be rewarded with a comprehensive benefits package, including 33 days holiday (inclusive of Bank Holidays), a 15% employer contribution pension scheme (with the option for flexibility – to increase contributions or draw down as salary), meals provided, training and development, as well as a range of recreational facilities. In addition, as this is a live-in role, you will be provided with single accommodation, and if eligible, be able to apply for self-contained accommodation, for which your salary will be adjusted.

So you don’t get paid less than minimum wage at all.

Posted: 22nd, November 2016 | In: Money, Reviews, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment


Transfer balls: Bellerin commits to Arsenal and never thought about leaving

Transfer balls: On October 14 2016, the Daily Mirror told its readers: “Arsenal’s Hector Bellerin wants to go to Manchester City.” That headline was part of the Mirror’s transfer rumours round-up. The paper stated:

Hector Bellerin could reject an offer to stay at Arsenal and leave for Manchester City in the summer…

That was based on a Times report: “Bellerín tempted by City and Barcelona.” If he was, Bellerin wasn’t saying as much. All we got was:

Sources close to the player insist that Bellerín’s preference is to join City, where he would be reunited with Pep Guardiola.

The Press has been linking Bellerin, once a winger at Barcelona’s youth teams, with a return to Spain and a move to Man City. In April 2015, the Star told readers:

 

Ballerin Arsenal Manchesrer City

 

He said that? No. He didn’t. “The Arsenal is giving me everything I am with amazing players. I do not think about the future. I just started,” said Bellerin.”I thank the people who speak well of me, but I’m only in the beginning. What has to arrive, will arrive.”

But in this era of clickbait balls, the Telegraph ignored the facts to thunder: “Hector Bellerin could leave for Manchester City or Barcelona.”

And so to the London Evening Standard, which declares today:

Hector Bellerin: I never thought about leaving Arsenal – this is my home

Having just signed a new deal to remain at Arsenal until 2023, Bellerin tells the Arsenal website:

“I’m really, really happy and this club is my home… I’ve been here for more than five years now so I was really, really excited when the club told me that they wanted to extend my contract. I wasn’t thinking about anything else other than staying here and continuing my development here. This is where I’m happy. I’m just very grateful and pleased to have signed. Arsenal is not only about being a footballer, you have to be good person to play here. That’s what everyone transmits inside the club. You represent more than just a football club.”

Such are the facts.

 

Posted: 22nd, November 2016 | In: Arsenal, Back pages, Sports, Tabloids | Comment


I’m A Celebrity threesome shocker: Scarlett Moffatt has Ant’s in her pants

Can you trust front-page headlines? The Daily Star’s cover story is that Ant and Dec have been in a “threesome” with “Jungle Scarlett”. Life moves pretty fast for Ant and Dec, the TV duo who just yesterday were triggering a “race storm” with “sensitive” Australians. Todays it’s a threesome with Scarlett, whose full name and title is “camp President Scarlett Moffat”.

 

Scarlett Moffatt threesome I'm A Celebrity

 

Over two pages of I’m A Celebrity news, readers scan for sign of the threesome. And in the small print on page 5, we find it. Scarlett Moffat, “star” of TV’s Gogglebox “reckons she should team up with Ant and Dec as a Geordie trio”. For sex, right? For a threesome?

 

Scarlett Moffatt threesome I'm A Celebrity

 

No. Scarlett made her views known not in the I’m A Celebrity jungle, rather in a book, in which she opined: “Imagine handing out with those boys all days and having a laugh.”

Yeah, just imagine that. Although if you’re a Daily Star reader, you’re most likely blown 30p imagining so much more.

 

Posted: 22nd, November 2016 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment


I’m A Celebrity offends ‘Sensitive Australians’ and other crawling creatures

Hats off to the Daily Star for one of the most absurd and joyous front pages. The paper brings news that Ant and Dec are in a “RACE STORM.

Ant and Dec are the faces of ITV’s I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, a show that’s been running so long the local wildlife has unionised.

The story is that Ant and Dec have insulted “sensitive Australians” by calling them “uncouth layabouts who rarely wash. The paper’s bit about the Poms’ joke upsetting “sensitive” Aussies is brilliant.

Years and years of storied abuse between the English and the Australians and the Star sets new standards. No longer rugged and tough, Aussies are “sensitive”.

It’s all very touchy feely Down Under.

 

 

Posted: 21st, November 2016 | In: Celebrities, Reviews, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment


City University student fascists defy the tabloid newspaper ban

The good new is that the next generation of prudes is on course to graduate from City University just as soon. The college’s student union has furthered democracy by voting to ban the sale of the Sun, Daily Express and Daily Mail from the campus. All papers have been ruled “facist” [sic] and “Islamophobiac” [sic] by the one percent of the student body that voted.

It used to be, of course, that the one percent referred to the gilded elite who exercised control over the proles. Now the 1% are the moral elite who think the 99% are the gilded, ignorant elite. If Labour and Jeremy Corbyn need to know why they won’t win a General Election, they should look at that 1% as their new core vote.

 

daily express phone poll

 

Also, it’s a tad ironic that the vote was more loaded than a Daily Express phone poll. But both newspaper and student union have a little way to go before they can emulate Saddam Hussein who in 2002 famously won 100% support from 11,445,638 eligible Iraqi voters.

In a vote on a motion called – and get this for title Joe Stalin would just love (deep breath) – Opposing Fascism and Social Divisiveness in the UK Media – these anti-fascists agreed that banning newspapers is just, right, progressive and human.

What does it all mean? Well, the “Press Gazette understands there are no retail outlets for newspapers on the campus”.

So you can bring your own to school, like these fine anti-fascists are doing.

 

 

Apparently, student fascists are now putting tabloids all over the campus (see photo above). Che Guevara is so out of date. If you students want to a real poster to showcase your rebellious credentials, slap up a picture of Vicky from Hounslow.

Posted: 21st, November 2016 | In: Key Posts, Reviews, Tabloids | Comment


Raw chicken gives you E.Coli and makes your cancer worse, says a Daily Mail scare story

Chickens. If you eat them raw, you might get ill. It’s a lucky dip. The Daily Mail leads with news that 2 in 3 chickens sold in “British stores” have a superbug. The small print tells readers that the superbug is E.coli and its resistant to antibiotics.

 

chicken superbugs daily mail

 

Readers of the Scottish Daily Mail get a different version. In Scotland “half of fresh chicken sold in Scottish stores” is infected with the “e.coli superbug”.

 

chicken superbugs daily mail

 

Whatever the geographic differences in contaminated chickens, the issue is getting worse. In September, the Mail said it was one in four chickens.

 

chicken superbugs daily mail

 

Over in today’s Sun, the story is that “most” chickens have the bug. But the paper is not as terrified as the Mail, noting early in the story.

The strain of the infectious bug has developed a resistance to some antibiotics, meaning people who fall ill could be more difficult to treat. It is not the killer O157 food poisoning strain and does not cause the usual diarrhoea and vomiting.

Compare that to the Mail’s opening lines:

Two-thirds of the fresh chicken sold in British stores is contaminated with an E.coli superbug, according to experts. The scale is far higher than previous studies have shown and points to a serious public health threat.

The Mail, as ever, links the bug to cancer:

The alarming effects of the antibiotic-resistant strain of E.coli come when you get ill. Someone infected by chicken a few years earlier, who then ends up having chemotherapy for cancer, or surgery, is vulnerable to infections such as pneumonia, which then cannot be properly fought with antibiotics.

You can avoid illness by washing your hands after handling raw chicken and cooking the meat. The Food Standards Agency tell us:

Don’t wash raw chicken: Cooking will kill any bacteria present, including campylobacter, while washing chicken can spread germs by splashing.

Panic over.

 

Posted: 21st, November 2016 | In: Reviews, Tabloids | Comment


Transfer balls: Messi agrees new Barcelona deal, heads to Manchester City for £200m and makes Arsenal fans laugh

Transfer balls: Manchester City are planning to offer over £100m for Barcelona forward Lionel Messi, 29, next summer. This we know because the BBC says so. Messi will be delighted to learn that City will offer him £500,000-per-week.

The Sunday Mirror says the full package will amount to a £200,000m investment in Messi.

How the Mirror knows this is moot. But it can read minds, adding that “the prospect of linking up with Guardiola again is a huge attraction” for Messi.

All very odd because the Daily Mail told us in July: “Barcelona agree new contract with Lionel Messi’s father as Catalan giants aim to tie down superstar to new Nou Camp deal.” Messi’s current deal expires in the summer of 2018. But he’d agreed a new one. Alex Bywater had the scoop:

 

messi contract

 

Bywater then supplied a few facts to prove how much Messi loves Barcelona.

Messi’s partnership with Neymar and Luis Suarez is at the heart of Barcelona’s success, with Brazilian Neymar having committed to the club on a fresh five-year deal this month.

Barcelona’s new 155 million euros sponsorship deal with Nike begins in 2018 and the cash-rich status of the club means they’re able to ward off interest from other clubs.

Messi has been occasionally linked with moves to the Premier League, but it remains likely he’ll see out his career in Spain.

But on October 8, the Sun reported: “WHAT A MESS – Lionel Messi wants new release clause allowing him to leave Barcelona for one club.”

Which club? Yeah, it’s Newell’s Old Boys, Messi’s boyhood club. The Sun notes:

The five-time Ballon d’Or winner is unlikely to leave Barcelona any time soon, but it says something about his determination to play for his boyhood club that he is already trying to lock the terms of his Nou Camp departure into the contract.

At the foot of a meandering article in which JJ Bull wonders where Messi could go next – Man City, Man United, er, Arsenal (ridiculous reason: “…it’s in London, which is where Messi’s friend Cesc Fabregas lives” – that’s the Fabregas most Arsenal fans are less than fond of and who plays for Chelsea), PSG, Chelsea, Inter Milan, Newell’s, somewhere in China, MSL  – the Telegraph writer realises what utter balls everything he’s just written is by stating: “But he’s definitely going to end up signing a new deal at Barcelona. Can you really imagine Messi in a different team’s shirt?”

Imagine it? Yes. Think it’s going to happen? No. But don’t that let stop you writing about it.

Posted: 20th, November 2016 | In: Back pages, Manchester City, Sports, Tabloids | Comment


Ugly, fat and thick: Manchester Untied’s Wayne Rooney takes a wedding night bashing in the Sun

How the Sun will miss Manchester United’s Wayne Rooney when he’s gone. This week the Sun spotted the England captain enjoying a drink at a Watford hotel as a wedding party made merry. It was “ROO’S BIG FAT TIPSY WEDDING”.

 

rooney wedding drunk

 

 

Lest anyone think that mere pun on the film My Big Fat Greek Wedding, which spawned TV’s My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, we refer you to past comments made by the Sun’s on Wayne Rooney’s girth and looks.

 

 

rooney wayne shrek fat

rooney wayne shrek fat

rooney wayne shrek fat

rooney wayne shrek fat

 

Rooney ugly

 

As for the news of Rooney’s drinking, the report shares the best eye-witness quote of the week, “He was shit-faced”. Wedding guest said – get this – “Wayne was “not a petty sight”.

 

rooney drunk

 

How they’ll miss Rooney when he’s gone.

 

Posted: 18th, November 2016 | In: Back pages, manchester united, Sports, Tabloids | Comment


Meghan Markle and Jamie Vardy in ridiculous tabloid plot

Meghan Markle is to play Jamie Vardy’s wife in a film. Well, so says the Daily Star. And who better than Prince Harry’s latest flame to pump the air as her man scores for Leicester City.

In scene 1, the actress is speaking to the News of the World. It’s 2001. “He had great muscles and I thought he’d be a great lover,” she says. “He was the worst lover I have ever had. He didn’t even attempt to satisfy me.” Whoah. Stop nodding Chelsy Davy. Meghan is reading the script from Rebekah Vardy’s insight into her time with sentimental pop acorn Peter Andre.

 

Meghan Markle Vardy

 

 

Of course it’s utter tosh. Markle has not been given the role. The Star only “reckons” Meghan would make a good Rebekah. After all both are dark hairs divorcees with a random ‘h’ in their names.

 

meghan markle Vardy

 

But being light on facts fails to stop the story gaining momentum. “Prince Harry’s girl Meghan Markle will play Jamie Vardy’s wife in new movie,” thunders the Mirror.  “Meghan Markle being lined up to play Jamie Vardy’s wife in Hollywood flick,” cries the Sun.

The Mirror nails how Hollywood casting work when it says, “with Meghan being 35-years-old, she’s just one year older thank Rebekah so would be well suited to playing the Leicester City hero’s missus.” The Sun’s story is based on the Mirror’s story, which is based on the Star’s story – which is based on not a single attributable quote or fact.

Rebekah Vardy is 34.

 

Posted: 15th, November 2016 | In: Celebrities, Reviews, Tabloids | Comment


Karen Danczuk pulls a leg of pork

The Sun spots Karen Danczuk kissing her new flame, David, 26. Karen, once billed as the ‘selfie Queen’ in all media and estranged from Labour MP Simon Danczuk, is spotted by Rochdale’s busy paparazzi stood by a doorway with her new “Spanish waiter lover”.

The Sun says David has “started moving his things in” to Karen’s place. What things the Sun enlarged on. Readers are told, Karen “helped her new man carry in chairs, boxes, suitcases and a leg of pork“.

Who says romance is dead?

 

 

 

 

 

Posted: 14th, November 2016 | In: Celebrities, Reviews, Tabloids | Comment


Donald Trump: 3 millions migrants, Farage’s Brex Pistols and a ‘riot’ 58 floors up

Donald Trump continues to set the tabloid news agenda. (Well, that and the I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here!).

The Mirror leads with Donal Trump’s “TV PLEDGE”. Ha, indeed. Everything we’ve seen of Trump has been a TV pledge. Even the people watching the live show should admit Trump’s words carry the legend “as seen on TV”.

“I Will Kick Out 3 Million Migrants,” runs the Trump telly pledge. The US President-elect will “deport or jail up to three million illegal immigrants”. Well, as soon as he gets a handle on the numbers, he can start building the prisons and fuelling the planes. Trump says it’s “probably two million, it could even be three million”. Why stop at three million? The answer could be because Trump understands media and that sound-bites are all. Save four million for a slow news day.

 

Trump Farage

 

The Express hears the headline figure and muses on its front page: “Trump to kick out 3million migrants…Now Britons asks: can we do the same?” By Page 4 readers have an answer: “UK backing for Trump to deport migrants.”

The Express then produces a phone poll: “Should Britain now send home all illegal migrants?” Ah, not all migrants, as the front-page said. All illegal migrants. Having delivered a poll more loaded than Trump’s can of hair lacquer, heard from three UKIP voices and one Tory, we leave the Express and look at the Sun’s front page. We see Nigel Farage, retired and re-instated UKIP leader ad nauseam. Farage “humiliated” the Government  by saying it was in the “national interest” for him to broker any post-Brexit trade deal with the US, says the Sun.

Which nation is unspecified, but given the calibre of Farage’s dream team – the “Brex Pistols” – we can’t rule out France.

 

Trump Farage

 

On Page 4, the Sun reminds reader that Farage is not the country’s popularly elected leader. It says Theresa May – who isn’t either – is Primer Minister.  May will deliver a speech in which she “promises to clamp down on rampant immigration”. She will do this by:

a) Building a wall.

b) Surrounding the country with water (see Ice Age-induced Brexit)

c) Saying it clearly.

d) See what Trump does.

trump may farage

 

It’s Trump and Farage on the Mail’s cover. It’s a terrific photo of the two men stood before Trump’s gold and diamond-encrusted front door. Over two pages, Andrew Pierce has the “riotous inside story” behind it. Farage and his four cohorts were “mesmerised” by Trump’s flat. One of them called a Renoir on a wall “magnificent”. Another called an Eros statue “striking”.

And, er, that’s it.

No riots.

They were outside.

Posted: 14th, November 2016 | In: Politicians, Reviews, Tabloids | Comment (1)


Transfer Balls: Spurs and Kane ‘agree’ to be at ‘loggerheads’ over bumper new deal

Spurs fans will tremble at the news that Harry Kane – “he’s one of there own” (insert picture of young Harry in his Arsenal short – ed) – has “KO-ed” a new deal at the club.

Harry Kane Spurs The Sun

 

Reading the Sun’s headline might lead you to suppose Kane will not be extending his Tottenham contract. The deal has been knocked out. Talks have been “called off”. Surprisingly the story does contain a muon of fact, albeit dressed in speculation, clickbait balls and hype.

Tottenham striker puts contract talks on hold with two parties at loggerheads as Manchester United, Chelsea and Manchester City circle

From being knocked out and over, the Sun sniffs the smelling salts and says talks to keep Kane at White Hate Lane are “on hold”. Not knocked out, then. Paused. The Sun then pretty much does Kane’s negotiations for him  by name-checking a few other clubs and noting: “Kane is paid £60,000-a-week, £35,000 less than Moussa Sissoko.” And, of course,  Manchester City, Chelsea and Manchester United can offer far higher wages than even the Frenchman trousers.

Oh, and so too can Arsenal. After all, the Express reported that Kane had agreed to join the Gunners:

 

Harry Kane Express Arsenal Spurs

 

Neil Ashton writes in the Sun:

HARRY KANE and Spurs have agreed to put all talks over a new contract on hold.

So both parties are in agreement. Ashton counters that in the every next line:

The England striker’s future is increasingly uncertain as the two parties are at loggerheads.The England striker’s future is increasingly uncertain as the two parties are at loggerheads.

News that Kane and Spurs have “agreed” to be a “loggerheads” will be a “massive worry for Spurs supporters”, says Ashton. Why? Kane’s contracted to Spurs until 2020 and currently earns £60,000 per week. Spurs have no need to rush.

It all amounts to a lot of nothing. But it’s enough for the Mirror to read the Sun’s story and cry: “Harry Kane and Tottenham at loggerheads.”

This is the same Mirror that reported in September:

Kane’s £50,000-a-week basic will be at least doubled in the wake of the money that has flooded into Premier League clubs due to the bumper new television deal.

And back to Sissoko. In today’s Sun, Ashton writes:

There is a feeling at White Hart Lane that Kane’s loyalty is being tested, especially with the club offering Moussa Sissoko £95,000 a week to sign from Newcastle in the summer.

But the Mirror said Sissoko is good news for Kane:

Sissoko’s arrival will see Kane’s basic weekly wage jump to around £120,000 – with bonuses and image rights he could end up taking home a cool £7.5m-a-year – meaning his entire package is likely to be in excess of £35m.

In conclusion: The tabloids haven’t got a clue.

Posted: 14th, November 2016 | In: Back pages, Sports, Spurs, Tabloids | Comment


Meghan Markle: the exclusive death threats that have nothing to do with Prince Harry

Meghan Markle might no longer be in the UK, but Prince Harry Baseball-Cap’s “girl” is all over the Mail’s front page.

 

Daily Mail Meghan harry

 

It is an “exclusive encounter” with Meghan Markle.

Scoop or what?

It’s only been a few days since Harry was complaining about the Press treating the celebrity Prince like a celebrity and abusing his lover. He is upset by “reporters and photographers trying to gain illegal entry to Meghan’s home”. Should we feel sympathy for Meghan? It’s “preposterous to claim that the publicity-hungry Ms Markle is a hapless victim,” said Sarah Vine in the Mail

Now Meghan’s talking to the Mail!

No. She isn’t. She spoke with Piers Morgan in June “months before the world learned about her Royal relationship”.

Words about Harry in this front-page exclusive? None.

So if not Prince Harry, what did she talk about?

Meghan revealed some more obscure secrets about herself – such as the fact that she is a trained calligrapher who wrote the invitation cards and envelopes for pop singer Robin Thicke’s 2005 wedding.

Is that like the secret she revealed in 2014, when she told Fashion:

“I could either wait tables or use a skill I had that I could do on my own time,” she says. Markle’s calligraphy led to her addressing envelopes for Robin Thicke and Paula Patton’s wedding and writing Dolce & Gabbana’s holiday correspondence.

And the death threats? The Mail reports:

…she was bombarded with hate messages when her character in the US drama series Suits, Rachel Zane, cheated on her boyfriend in the show.  She said: ‘People wanted to kill me! Not Rachel… ME. I never knew there were so many emojis with guns and knives. It was very unpleasant. Fortunately, Rachel got back on her pedestal and it stopped.’

“Prince Harry’s girlfriend Meghan Markle’s terrifying death threats,” screams the Daily Mirror. But those threats were nothing to do with her dating Prince Harry.

Elsewhere in today’s Mail, you can read:

The Mail exclusively revealed images of Meghan this week out in Kensington, near Harry’s home at Kensington Palace.

Time to once again revisit the pledge made by the Mail on 8 September 1997, eight days after the death of Princess Diana:

“The proprietor of the Daily Mail, Mail on Sunday and Evening Standard announced last night that his papers will not in future purchase pictures taken by paparazzi

“Viscount Rothermere, chairman of the Daily Mail and General Trust plc said: ‘I am, and always have been, an admirer of Diana, Princess of Wales, and nagged my editors to protect her so far as they could against her powerful enemies. In view of Earl Spencer’s strong words and my own sense of outrage, I have instructed my editors no ‘paparazzi’ pictures are to be purchased without my knowledge and consent.'”

Meghan is now back in her native Canada.

Best of luck to her.

Posted: 13th, November 2016 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts, Reviews, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment (1)


A special sort of of Armageddon: Daily Mirror cranks up fear of a Trump Presidency

The United Kingdom is “At The Back of The Queue,” says the Daily Mirror. The front-page headline echoes the words of Barack Obama, who thoughtfully flew to the country to remind British citizens that a vote for Brexit would mean the country relegated to the foot of the international business league table. Vote for Brexit and British companies seeking to do business with the US would be behind Germany, France, Egypt and Chad. At first glance, then, the headline looks sarcastic.

So much for being at the back of that queue, Barack, with Donald Trump in charge, a man with solid links to the UK, we’ll be closer to the front.

But the Mirror is serious. It says that after becoming President-elect, Trump only called Theresa May after first speaking with nine world leaders.

 

Trump Mirror

 

We’re Number 10!

The UK got the call after Trump dialled Ireland, Egypt, India, Mexico, Australia, South Korea, Japan, Turkey and Israel. He then called the UK. Yes, that means that after Ireland, the UK is the second most important European Union nation in Trump’s pecking order – ahead for France, Germany, Italy and Spain. The Mirror calls this a “snub”. But isn’t it progress? In 2009, the Guardian reported: “Barack Obama snubs Gordon Brown over private talks – White House spurned five requests from PM’s aides for bilateral meeting.” The Telegraph noted: “Barack Obama rebuffs Gordon Brown as ‘special relationship’ sinks to new low.”

In other Special Relationship news, the Mail says May is Trump’s Tatcher.

 

Trump Daily Mail

 

And the Express says Trump will help the UK thrive after leaving the EU.

 

Trump vow Express

 

Having read in the tabloids that Trump is both dire and great for UK-US relations, the Mirror lists on Page 3 – after more headlines of doom (“A new danger for the world order”; “Poor start to Special Relationship”)  “10 reasons Donald might not be all that bad”. That comes after Thursday’s front page which predicted a Trump-triggered armageddon.

 

Trump mirror

 

Donald TRump daily mirror

 

Donald TRump daily mirror

 

At number 3, the Mirror notes:

“OK, so he didn’t get round to ringing Theresa May for a while. But his mother is Scottish. He has many business interests in the UK. And he;s a big fan of Brexit. He will probably want to hug us close”

And at Number 10: “”Starting WW3 is not in his interests.”

To recap: the Mirror hasn’t got a clue what a Trump Presidency means. But if it can scare the readers, why not?

 

Posted: 12th, November 2016 | In: Key Posts, Politicians, Reviews, Tabloids | Comment