Tabloids | Anorak - Part 253

Tabloids Category

The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.

Treading Water

‘CAN Michael Barrymore swim? On that question would seem to hang what little remains of the TV joker’s reputation and future after claims that he lied during last week’s inquest into the death of Stuart Lubbock.

”I have never knowingly given Michael Barrymore the kiss of life,” says local Essex lifeguard

He told the coroner that he didn’t dive in to help after the father-of-two was found floating in his pool because he couldn’t swim – a claim immediately contradicted by his ex-wife Cheryl.

And now the Sun has news that the 50-year-old host of Strike It Lucky was once president of his local swimming club. He was offered the honorary role by the Harlow Pengiuns before the fateful night last March when Mr Lubbock died.

”He was only too willing and came to one of our galas,” a club source said. ”If he can’t swim, it’s strange he didn’t mention it – he would have been guaranteed free lessons.”

Not only that but the Sun also reveals that swimming lessons were compulsory at the school in Bermondsey that Barrymore attended.

Former pupil Jean Royle told the paper: ”The only way to avoid it was with a medical note. I’m sure I’d have remembered if anyone did, I’d have been jealous.”

Surely, though, you don’t have to be as wise as Solomon to solve this little conundrum. Push Barrymore into a pool. If he drowns, he was telling the truth. If he swims, he was lying – and should be thrown back in, but this time with a concrete block tied round his feet.’

Posted: 18th, September 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Thin Blue Linesman

‘HAVING safely disposed of Michael Barrymore, we move onto the case of Sgt Nigel Miller. The 42-year-old told bosses last month that he was too ill to deal with the strain of police work – and so joined the ranks of thousands of coppers who are paid to sit at home and watch The Bill on UK Gold.

”Gave that dark fella Thierry Henry a ticket for speeding once…”

So you would imagine his bosses must have got a bit of a surprise when they tuned in to watch the grudge match between Leeds and Manchester United at the weekend and saw their erstwhile colleague running the line.

Not a bit of it. They had, says the Star, not only given him permission to attend the match, but had suggested that officiating at the hate-filled encounter might be ”therapeutic”.

Wear Valley councillor Derek Jago (who is also chaplain of Bishop Auckland FC) said the case sent out a bad message. ”Anyone with common sense would say that if you were ill, you would not put yourself in that situation,” he said.

Or was Sgt Miller merely anticipating new Home Office guidelines. Published yesterday, they call for coppers to take their meal breaks in fast food restaurants and cafes to help boost police visibility.

And what could more visible than a televised Premiership football match?

Posted: 18th, September 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Which Way’s North?

‘THERE is unlikely to be much fall-out from Sgt Miller’s unorthodox recuperation regime, if only because Home Office officials probably won’t be able to find Durham on a map.

Somewhere north of Manchester

The Daily Mail reports that disturbing news that more than half of all southerners cannot even pinpoint Birmingham on a map. It may be the second biggest city in the UK, but for some southerners it is in the Lake District, for others it is near Bristol, and for still others it’s just north of Watford.

But Birmingham fared better than the likes of Glasgow (which only one in six people could correctly locate), Inverness and Bradford.

Pollsters asked 1,037 people from London and the South East to place nine cities on a map. Nineteen per cent missed the target with all nine.

None of which would be very surprising had not the pass rate for A-level geography this year been something just over 100%.

Posted: 18th, September 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Time Bandits

‘WITH war with Iraq averted for at least the time being, the papers are looking for other ways to show how we are all doomed.

”I dunno what it says, but I reckon it’s pub time”

And the Mail finds the evidence in time. It unearths researchers who ”reckon” that 31 per cent of eight years olds cannot tell the time from a clock with hour and minute hands – what the paper calls a ”traditional clockface”.

To the man and woman in the street this might not be such bad news, but to Nick Seaton, head of an entity called the Campaign For Real Education, it is like spitting in the Queen’s face.

”It’s very serious that many children are not being taught how to tell the time effectively,” he says.

Because where would we be if we didn’t know the hour of the day? Well, we wouldn’t know when we hit 16 and were able to buy fags, or 18 and entitled to get blotto in the pub (at least until such a moment when the landlord inexplicably called ”Time”).

You see, time is important, and time spent with our children is golden.

According to more of the Mail’s cutting-edge researchers, parental affluence is an effective shield against the evils of drugs.

Apparently, youngsters who are close to their mother are more likely to be straight, and if dad’s around they’ll do well at school.

And if you do well in class, you can, in time, earn lots of money, and then pay for the surgery that will stop time in its tracks.

And then when asked how old you are, no-one will be able to tell for sure.

Posted: 17th, September 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Young Sherlock

‘STAYING with time, isn’t it funny how policeman are getting younger these days?

Joyriders are getting younger and younger

Look, there’s one just gone by in his Vauxhall Omega at 140mphm, sitting on his helmet to see over the wheel and blasting out S Club 7 Juniors on the stereo.

And, watch out! Oh, he’s crashed into a wall near Swindon. But he’s okay and now he’s walking along a canal bank, dressed in immaculate uniform and swinging his truncheon with something approaching real enthusiasm.

And here come some of his colleagues. They’re much bigger than him. Ooer, that looks nasty. They’re giving him a proper talking to, and are stripping him of the stab-proof vest, utility belt, handcuffs, speed gun, breathalyser, radio and torch he got at the Thames Valley Police outfitters.

And they’ve grabbed the keys to the car, and are taking him away to a secure unit.

They tell the Mail that the young cop is only 16-years old and that he must go to court to be disciplined.

Which is a shame because the force needs all the men it can muster, although, as the Mirror reports, police numbers are at the highest level (129,603) since 1921, so one might not be missed too much after all.

Posted: 17th, September 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)

Asia Minors

‘DID you know that in 1996 children ordered chips three times a week from the school cafeteria? And did you know that an ”amazing” 17 out of 22 kids say they enjoy school dinners?

Caviar – a new entry on the favourite school dinner list

And did you also know that while the average price of a school dinner is £1.56 a day, parents give their brood an extra 77p to buy sweets, chocolate and fizzy drinks.

If you didn’t know anything, don’t worry because you now know the truth; and if you did, then well done you for reading the Mirror.

And courtesy of that paper we all learn that ”curry ousts chips as kids’ fave nosh”.

And before the Mail can run a story on how that’s because one in two of our children are of Asian origin, we note that the little gourmands also love pizza, burgers, pasta and, heaven’s above, roasts.

And the sensation doesn’t end there as the paper says that for dessert children like to eat ”cakes and buns”.

They also like sweets, but anyone seen giving them these will be exposed by the News Of The World and then shot.

Posted: 17th, September 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Bun Fight

‘THEY might be gun-crazy in America, but north of the border, they take no chances when it comes to dangerous weapons. Police in Vancouver have arrested a Canadian man for carrying an iced bun.

They say they feared he was going to throw it at Prime Minister Jean Chretien, who was hit in the face with a custard pie during a walkabout two years ago.

William Christiansen, 41, was stopped by a policewoman during the Prime Minister’s visit and questioned about the iced bun.

”I told her I was going to eat it,” he told the Toronto Globe and Mail. ”She said, ‘Why not eat it now?’ I said ‘Not with you watching,’ and it just escalated. I can’t believe this happened over a piece of cake.”

”We take all the steps we need to ensure the safety of those we’re charged to protect,” said Constable Danielle Efford.

Other steps taken to protect M Chretien from the threat of baked goods included towing away a car in case its boot was full of cakes. Its owner, lawyer Cameron Ward, was also arrested.

”It’s outrageous,” he said. ”I can assure you I have not visited a bakery within the last 48 hours.”’

Posted: 17th, September 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Baby Love

‘TRYING times at Virgin airlines. The Sun brings news of vandalism in the mother and baby room in the company’s new airbus.

”Yes, the Spanish Fly is awfully good”

The 5ft by 4ft room contains a plastic table intended for changing nappies, but this has been broken and replaced several times already, despite the fact that the plane has only been in service for a few weeks.

Unfortunately, the room has become popular with infantilists: grown men who enjoy dressing up in nappies while they are ”mothered” by Virgin air hostesses.

Of course, the whole thing has been hushed up, and the Sun insists that ”couples keep wrecking it by sneaking in for a quick bonk”. A likely story.

Posted: 16th, September 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Light Relief

”’SIXTEEN men spent nearly four months and £1,000 changing a LIGHTBULB,” gasps the Sun. ”So what?” you reply. Sounds about right, doesn’t it?

Fun With Lightbulbs, part 7: Travel Light

But in Wakefield, where folks are easily amused, this is a matter of some fascination. Locals apparently ”watched in amazement” as a ”relay” of council workers tried to replace a street lamp.

”It would be funny if it wasn’t costing so much,” said Graham Beecher, who ”speaks for them all”. We beg to differ, Mr Beecher. There is NOTHING funny about this story, and even the Sun is incapable of putting an amusing spin on it.

A spokesman for Wakefield council concurs. ”It’s been dragging on so long I’m starting to lose the will to live,” she said – a remark that should on no account be taken out of context when discussing West Yorkshire.

Posted: 16th, September 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Hurray For Harry

”’MANY Harry Returns,” declares the Star, and we can only concur. For the ginger prince is now a man, and a nation rejoices. But not for the new Prince Hal the dubious pleasures of the Rattlebone Inn.

Tired of waiting for Harry ‘The Eighth’ to turn up, Rattlebone Inn regulars turned to booze

For like his Shakespearean namesake, he has put his hellraising days behind him, in favour of nobler pursuits. No wild celebrations for him. No siree.

”My father offered me a birthday party at home, but I turned it down,” he reveals. Instead, the paper reports, he spent ”an uneventful day relaxing with Prince Charles”.

And like a ”magic eye” picture, you can stare at those two sentences and see whatever you like.

Posted: 16th, September 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Simon Says

‘ABUSE against the young touches even the upper echelons of our society, and so it is that the Star features Gareth Gates in a heart-wrenching piece entitled ”Day I Met Mr Nasty”.

Gareth’s hair was lethal at close range

But this story doesn’t start on a bus ride to school or in the pet shop. It begins on a sunny day at the Pop Idol TV studios.

And in Gareth’s own stammering words it sounds all the more painful.

”I sat there waiting my turn,” says Gareth. ”I wasn’t really talking to anyone. I was listening to what everyone was saying – and all they were talking about was this nasty guy who was on the judging panel.”

And when young people began to stream from the audition room in floods of tears, Gareth began to worry. He worried so much that he began to stutter, and when he was called up, he took 20 seconds to even say his name.

But, whether out of fear or fortune, he sang, and when he had finished the nasty man leaned forward and said: ”You’re going to London. Well done!”

But Gareth returned to tell his tale, albeit slowly, and Mr Nasty went to America to see some more eager-to-please young talent.

Posted: 13th, September 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Camberwell Carrot-Top

‘OTHER children just learn from their parents, and not all of what they learn is good.

”Psst. Got any smack?”

So when the Express writes ”Harry does a Diana”, we peer through our fingers over the banisters and fear the worst.

But the Diana he’s doing is not a tumble down the stairs nor is he sharing a bed with the playboy son of a wealthy Arab. What he is doing a la Diana is working with the ”sick and needy”.

The Prince turns 18 on Sunday, and in readiness for the big binge, he chose yesterday to attend a young offender’s football programme at West Ham United.

Soon schooled in the best way to hotwire a car and turn one ounce of cocaine into three, Harry went to Kid’s Company, a charity based in Camberwell, South London.

And the Mail says that while he was there a ”teenage boy” was marched off the premises after rolling a cannabis joint.

And Harry? Well, he was looking forward to his party, and lashings of fizzy pop, jellies and whatever his new mates care to bring along.

Posted: 13th, September 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Caught Out

”’TECHNICALLY, the only sexual assault that has taken place is upon my client,” argued Craig Hilton Bell’s counsel, ”though clearly at his own request, and we therefore request leniency.”

Bell’s unusual case prompted the judge to acknowledge the mitigating circumstances, having heard how he had committed an estimated 300 offences while pretending to have been injured by a cricket bat.

Under pressure of losing his job at the Commonwealth Bank, Bell discovered that he could only become sexually aroused if his testicles were fondled by a woman.

To this end he made appointments with female doctors all over Queensland, asking them to examine his testicles. Complaints were made after he became ”visibly aroused” during one examination.

”You are the first person in the history of Queensland ever to be convicted of procuring a sexual assault against himself, and for that reason I have decided not to pass a custodial sentence” said Judge Michael Forde. ‘

Posted: 13th, September 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Kindergarten Cops

‘WITH Ian Huntley not due back in court for a while, there comes news that we trust will keep the baying mob that followed his every move intact.

”What are we protesting about today?”

The Sun reports that Detective Constable Brian Stevens, who read a poem at the service to mark the lives of Jessica Chapman and Holly Wells, has been arrested on suspicion of child porn offences.

He and one other police colleague have been arrested following an operation that targets users of US pay-per-view websites.

It’s the kind of story that were it not in black and white would have the mob foaming in outrage that such a thing could be made up.

”Where are these journalist sickos who pass this stuff off as entertainment?” they ask. ”Hang them!” ”Kill them!” ”Maim them!” scream the mothers and the children they fight to protect.

According to Sun, Stevens visited a website that contained pictures of children as young as five.

And if that doesn’t get you on the first train to Cambridgeshire for a day out with the kids, then the Mail’s news that the children were ”as young as a few months old” should.

But before you go, ask yourself whom you are travelling with? That train driver looks a bit shifty, and what business is it of the ticket inspector if your child is under sixteen, a ”minor” as the twisted pervert puts it.

And, in any case, not all the teachers have been given a clean bill of mental health by the Government yet, so what irresponsible parents are even sending their children to school in the first place?

Safest just to call everyone a paedophile. That way the children will retain their innocence for a little while longer.

Posted: 13th, September 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Mail Shot

‘RIGHT, who wants some? Iraq? Stitch this! Afghanistan? Have some of that! Bosh! Now, who fancies a pint? If only life were that simple. If only our leaders would just see sense and SORT IT OUT.

Mail reporters were delighted with their new company cars

Or, to put it another way, if only the world were more like the Daily Mail. And if only a woman could be more like a man. And if only this woman would stop pussyfooting around and tell us what she really thinks.

What’s that? There IS such a woman? And she DOES spell things out, in a ”provocative but passionate article”? Jees, that’ll be worth a read – what’s it called?

Something big and ballsy, we reckon, something like: ”Damn the fainthearts and the naïve: bomb Iraq and, if necessary, take on Iran, and Syria and Saudi Arabia, too!”

And what’s the name of this modern day Boadicea? Melanie Phillips? That’s ironic, because there used to be a bleeding heart liberal called Melanie Phillips who wrote for the Guardian until a couple of years ago.

What’s that? It’s the same woman? And she knows where we live? And she’s got a million followers who pass around her propaganda in their Airwick-scented breakfast nooks?

And they’re mad as hell and not going to take it any more? Oh, humanity!

Posted: 12th, September 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

New Moon Rising

‘WITH World War III just around the corner, perhaps it’s worth considering a move to somewhere quieter. And where better than another planet?

”It looks familiar – I just can’t quite place it”

The Moon would be nice, but it’s a bit too accessible for our liking. So we’re moving to the other one, the new Moon that has just been discovered by Bill Young.

The Sun reports that Bill discovered ”Moon No 2” while doing some sort of routine survey of the skies (and certainly not while enjoying a sly peek at his neighbours).

He noticed an unusual planet passing over Mrs B’s roof, and adjusted his telescope to observe it more closely.

Having established its existence to his own satisfaction, he reported his find to the boys at NASA, whose fancy equipment had somehow failed to pick it up.

”This must have been captured by the Earth’s gravity this year because otherwise it would have been detected much earlier,” said a spokesman, in a steady, confident voice.

So that’s cleared up the new moon. Now, what about the million-ton meteorite just behind it?

Posted: 12th, September 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Foreign Money

‘ONCE upon a time, our grandmothers tell us, money used to burn a hole in your pocket.

All that glisters…

Now, thanks to technological progress, it makes your hands itch instead.

Scientists have warned that the new Euro coins contain 320 times too much nickel, and the Mirror reports that this could cause problems for people with sweaty hands.

The Star and Sport, whose readers are particularly at risk in this respect, maintain a suspicious silence on the issue.

Posted: 12th, September 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Not So Slim Pickings

‘PRAGUE is currently at the mercy of the so-called Obese Family, a ruthless gang of pickpockets.

”It’s a military operation,” said Bruce Jefferson, ”and if The Obese Family chose you, there is nothing you can do about it. They’re so fast, the victim can’t even see what’s going on, so he has no chance.”

The gang operate on trams, and their method is simple but unusual, as another witness explains: ”First, an innocent-looking pregnant woman gets into the tram and demands a tourist’s seat, and when he stands up, five hugely obese men quickly move in and surround him with their stomachs.

”Within seconds, the gang is rifling his pockets, and his valuables are dumped into a carrier bag, which is handed to a slimmer youth. He flees from the tram, often screaming ‘The Obese Family has struck again’ in Czech, while the tourist is detained by a wall of blubber until the next stop.

”The five fat men are usually so noisy that the tourist usually doesn’t even realise what’s going on until it’s too late. He just thinks that the tram is particularly crowded. And when The Obese Family are on board, it is.” ‘

Posted: 12th, September 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

The Tough Get Going

”’WILL They Strike Today?” asks the Daily Express on its front page. And the answer, gauged from the TUC Conference in Blackpool, is: no, but they’ll have a bloody good grumble.

New pictures of call centre supervisor revealed

Tony Blair addressed the conference yesterday, and delivered a few desultory words on union rights, told the delegates to behave themselves, and came to life only when playing to the (TV) gallery with a speech about Iraq.

Judging from the reception from the hall, the speech appeared to be about as welcome as the proverbial fart in a lift. The Star’s cartoon shows Blair addressing the assembled trade union malcontents. ”Why take on Saddam?” asks one, and there are echoes of ”Why?” around the hall. ”Because he’ll be easier than you lot,” replies Tony, wagging his finger angrily.

Presumably this is intended to indicate that Saddam is just about the most dangerous thing imaginable, yet even he pales into insignificance beside the massed ranks of organised labour.

The effect, though, is the opposite, and merely suggests that the Iraqi ”monster” is no more threatening than a bunch of trade union ”leaders” who can’t even influence their own political party.

So why attack Iraq? Tony Parsons gives it to us straight in the Mirror, in a column entitled ”Shame on you self-loathing, American-hating liberals who make me sick to my stomach”. The reason why is that, whereas ”once we were told” that Saddam ”set up rape camps in Kuwait”, we are now told that he likes Quality street. ”Remember, remember, September 11,” he concludes.

Admittedly, we were told a lot of things about Saddam. We remember how he killed the Kuwaiti babies by disconnecting the incubators, and covered all those poor cormorants in crude oil? Neither of these actually happened, of course, but they were good stories nonetheless. We don’t remember being told about Kuwaiti rape camps, but even if they don’t exist, someone would have to invent them.

Parsons may fear a strike from Saddam, the Express may fear a strike from Bin Laden, and the Star may fear a strike from the Amalgamated Wheeltappers, Boilermakers and Call Centre Operatives Union. But the most likely strike will come courtesy of Bush and Blair, with God – and Tony Parsons – on their side.

Posted: 11th, September 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Drawing The Line

‘TODAY, on the 365th day of remembrance of Nine Eleven, the badger community will also be mourning the death of one of its own. As with human beings, it is illegal to kill a badger in this country unless you have official permission, so the Mail’s picture of a prostrate furry corpse is particularly disturbing for those of us who believe in the rule of law.

”And this was after they’d pulled the eyes from cats and stuck them in the road”

But the reason for publishing this upsetting picture is not simply to upset animal loving Mail readers as they nibble their toast and marmalade in their Airwick-freshened breakfast nooks. It is to point out once again the incompetence and callousness of the lower orders.

”Workmen painting road couldn’t be bothered to budge a dead badger” complains the headline, and sure enough, there, across the dead creature’s stomach, is a white line, perfectly aligned with the road markings on either side. ”I couldn’t believe what I was seeing,” said salesman Chris Crabtree, the father of four from Congresbury, North Somerset who photographed the scene.

The Mail itself is less surprised. ”It is not the first time that council workmen have decided to cut corners to get the job done quickly,” they remind us. And it won’t be the last, just you mark our words.

Posted: 11th, September 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Shane’s Shame

‘EVER wondered what it’s like to snog Christine Hamilton? No, us neither, but here’s the Sun to tell us anyway. ”Snogging Christine Hamilton was like kissing an octopus,” it declares in very big letters.

”I thought he was a highly convivial and interesting man and I was very glad to meet him”

This is the verdict of ”hunky Aussie Shane Dilena”, whose nightmarish experience came hours after the self-styled battleaxe was voted off I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here!.

Shane was a member of the camera crew and says that the assault took place in full view of husband Neil. He doesn’t say whether Neil was crouched in the wardrobe, watching through the keyhole, so it’s safest to assume that he was.

”She straddled my legs and rubbed herself up against me,” says Shane. Eventually, Neil said, ”Christine, stop molesting that young man”, but his voice must have been muffled by the clothes surrounding him, because she appeared not to hear.

The following day she pursued him at a beach bar and arranged to meet him later – an arrangement he did not keep. Never mind, Christine will always have the pictures to remember him by. And thanks to the Sun, so will we.

Posted: 11th, September 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Pet Cemetery II: Return Of The Mummy

‘PET cemeteries are scary places rarely talked about. Mummies are scary objects often talked about. But now a cemetery for animal mummies has been found, a new horror movie is surely in the making.

The burial area was found near the sacred city Abydos in the south Egypt, about 350 miles from Cairo. The settlement’s vast complex of tombs and temples was apparently seen by ancient Egyptians as the gateway to the underworld.

Archaeologists also found eight small limestone coffins which contained the mummified remains of rodents – thought to be rats – about 10cm long. What wonderful villains they would make, eh? ‘

Posted: 11th, September 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Young Tear-Away

‘LACHRYMOSE larcenist Edward Hardy burst into tears when a shopkeeper told him to get lost as he was trying to rob the shop.

Hardy had pointed a gun at the 60-year-old grocer and demanded the money from the till, but when Stan Tilotson refused he started sobbing and ran out of the shop. ”My heart sank when he refused,” he later told police.

Sentencing Hardy to 19 months in jail, a judge said: ”Never was there a more unlikely robber.”’

Posted: 10th, September 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

King Of The Jungle

‘TONY Blackburn claimed his sole reason for taking part on I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here was to get fit. But the 59-year-old DJ will soon be able to afford all the treadmills and personal trainers he wants as he stands to make £1m from the show.

Another dose of TB

The Star says his ”Mr Nice Guy” manner, which helped him win the show, makes him an adman’s dream – and he has been swamped with offers from ad agencies and TV chiefs since it finished. Not to mention newspapers, with the Mirror (the paper that these days eschews celebrity tittle-tattle) claiming the exclusive interview with the king of the jungle.

And what has Tony got to say about his experience? Well, he reveals that some of his fellow contestants used to argue a lot and occasionally use ”tasteless” language – and he liked logs. ”It was torture out there,” he tells the paper. ”It was like being in a prison.” Which is where most of Tony’s fellow DJs from the 1960s are currently languishing.

But not our Tony-tastic hero, whose mother congratulated him on behaving like the perfect gentleman throughout his ordeal. ”And I’m glad she said that because I think it’s something this country has lost,” he says.

Is it really too late for a second TB in Downing Street?

Posted: 10th, September 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Spanish Armada

‘TOMORROW the papers are likely to don black mourning clothes as they celebrate the first anniversary of the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon, but for now they are content to feast on their usual daily diet of sex and celebrity.

What would you rather wake up to?

The Sun may have ditched its Page 3 girl for a week or so in the aftermath of 9/11, but since then its defiance against Osama and his cronies has more often than not taken a 36DD shape.

And this morning it is the turn of Big Brother winner Kate Lawler to occupy the most famous berth in British Tabloidland – ”frolicking topless in the sun” while on holiday in Spain.

Take that, Bin Laden!

Kate’s chest may not stretch much further than her vocabulary (”wicked”) and it is not exactly of the Sun’s normal 36DD variety – but it was enough to leave fellow holidaymakers ”gawping”, especially when at one point ”she and girl pal relaxed in a pool on airbeds and KISSED”.

What do you think of that, Mullah Omar?

”A couple of blokes came over to chat them up but didn’t get very far,” an onlooker told the Sun. ”Kate seemed more interested in her brunette girlfriend. They spent a lot of time holding hands.”

So – as they say in Wapping – up yours, Saddam Hussein…

Posted: 10th, September 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment