Anorak

Tabloids | Anorak - Part 257

Tabloids Category

The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.

Dyke A L’orange

‘YESTERDAY Jade ate her whole fist. In fact, yesterday Jade managed to eat herself. Which is more than pop did.

The identity of the waitress was kept secret for her own safety

But follow the van to the front page of the Sun and we find that lesbians have been engaged in a sex scandal at Chequers – or, as the headline has it, ‘LESBIANS SEX SCANDAL AT CHEQUERS’.

More specifically, ‘a Blair chef’ (one of the half dozen special forces gastronomes retained by No.10 Downing Street to be parachuted into France in case of all-out war) groped a Wren waitress.

Our beloved Prime Minister is, we are all not surprised to learn, ‘shocked by claims his head woman chef groped a Wren waitress at a drunken party’.

While Tony was waiting for his seared tuna on a confit of rustic potatoes and a drizzle of rain, it appears that chef Corporal Rose McLaughlin was (according to evidence at a court martial) sticking her hand up a waitress’s skirt and trying to pull her knickers down.

The Sun is naturally horrified by the claims. ‘The scandal,’ it says, ‘has stunned Mr Blair and his wife Cherie. They both appreciated the superb dishes prepared by McLaughlin and her team.’

And so say all of us – as we hope she washed her hands before preparing said dishes. ‘

Posted: 26th, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Ready, Aim, Duck!

‘THIS is just the start. They want our monkey on Gibraltar. They catch our fish. And now they want to slaughter our ducks. How long is it before the Spanish come for our heads?

Six down, 3994 to go

According to the Mail, 4,000 ruddy ducks (not a drinking game) are facing slaughter to satisfy Spanish conservationists, who see the whole species as ‘a genetic menace’.

And that represents the entire population of the duck, which was introduced to Britain from the Americas 50 years ago.

The Mail says 20 marksmen are employed to shoot the birds in a £5m operation, which could take 10 years to complete.

Animal Aid director Andrew Tyler said: ‘This is a callous, very expensive and anti-democratic exercise in the genetic cleansing of nature.’

Indeed it is. Who gave the mallards the vote?

Posted: 26th, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment


The Fight Club

‘EXTREME wrestling came to Walford this week as a freestyle bout between the Slaters and the Trumans broke out in The Vic. The standoff began when Cat accused Zoe of being ‘a selfish caaahh’ for not coming to Little Mo’s appeal.

Paul then discovered that Mo had been spreading rumours that the B+B had mice so decided to get her in a headlock to teach her the error of her ways.

The bout ended as a draw, but with the Slaters coming out just ahead on points. Paul lost more than the fight though, as in the chaos, Angel appeared and whisked Precious away.

Angel was found not guilty at his murder trial and went to track down his errant wife. But being a reasonable sort of murdering psychopath, he gave her the option of disappearing and never seeing Paul again if they both wanted to live.

Paul has taken Precious’ departure badly and is taking the Angie Watts heartbreak cure. ‘Take a bottle of whisky for breakfast, a handful of painkillers for lunch…’

There’s more heartbreak in store in Walford for Mark as Lisa has started seeing Phil again. ‘You can’t fight it,’ whispered Phil in her ear, ‘and the longer you hold out, the better it’s going to be.’

Lisa managed to hold out for a whole two episodes before succumbing to the charms of Mr Potato Head, which in soapland is pretty impressive. But as Mark is due to be written out of Walford in the next few months it’s safe to assume he’s going find out.

Gary is also about to discover that Lynne has been serving up more than fried sausage to Jason. Lynne almost left Gary for her former finance and a new life in Dubai. But then she discovered that dogs have to spend six months in quarantine so decided that she couldn’t face it.

Sam Mitchell has decided that she wants to change her life too. She’s replied to an advertisement in the Walford Gazette for ‘Models Wanted’. Something tells me though that Sam will end up ‘modelling’ just a light layer of baby oil, answering an advert like that.

Ian is likely to be modelling a vat of boiling oil once Laura finds out he’s gone to have a vasectomy behind her back (so to speak). Ian’s decided he doesn’t want to have a child with Laura and rather than mention this to her, he booked himself in for the snip. Laura is already bearing down on him with a thermometer, demanding that he impregnate her.

Mind you, if she does eventually drag him down the fertility clinic, he might be off the hook, as any expert will surely pronounce that Laura’s face is the best form of contraception known to humanity.

Posted: 26th, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Future Schlock

‘LIFE after Big Brother? Surely there’s no such thing. How could life be worth living once the Elstree house is deserted and Kate, Alex, Jade and Jonny are no longer welcomed daily into our homes?

Jade took instantly to the modelling game

The Star is not so pessimistic, however, and consults PR guru Max Clifford to draw up a ‘guide to the career prospects of the most famous housemates in Britain’.

Fireman Jonny Regan is tipped to become a celebrity chef a la Jamie Oliver, but with a much smaller tongue.

Kate, with her propensity to strip down to her smalls at the slightest provocation – or none at all – would make a good model for lingerie firms Wonderbra or Agent Provocateur.

Hygiene-obsessed model Alex is set to become the poster boy for Domestos and Brylcreem.

As for Jade, the possibilities are endless. Unfortunately, none of the ones canvassed in the Star involves shooting her into orbit as part of the Pigs In Space programme.

Clifford says the porky one’s raunchy antics with PJ could result in her advertising condoms and with her enormous gob ‘she’d be perfect for advertising food or booze’.

He also adds that her fondness for stripping, ‘despite her kebab belly’, could see her become a Page 3 model.

Even though readers of such august organs as the Star and the Sun rarely bother to look at the faces of topless models, the prospect of seeing Jade’s nearly naked body is no more attractive than having to gaze upon her porcine features.

Besides, unless the tabloids start publishing in broadsheet format, they’d never fit all of her on one page.

Posted: 25th, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Fat Of The Land

‘JADE herself is clearly aware that drastic steps will have to be taken if she ever wants to model for anything other than Wall’s Smoked Back Bacon.

‘If you want us naked, you pay extra’

The Star reports that the ‘dizzy blonde’ is considering having a facelift and has vowed to have a boob job if she scoops the £70,000 prize – but a reduction, not an enlargement.

Resorting to surgery to remove unwanted flesh is an extreme measure, but it’s the only one that could possibly help Jade – and the men of Britain could soon find themselves in a similar predicament ‘as they pile on weight as never before’.

A report in the Express reveals that as well as having to contend with the traditional beer belly, men ‘will now be able to swap sob stories with wives and girlfriends over rapidly expanding backsides, hips and thighs’.

Their hip measurements have grown by an average of two inches in three decades, and the Sun adds that by 2032, they will measure ‘a whopping average of 42in around the hips’.

Long periods spent sitting down at work, combined with booze, lack of exercise and a high-fat, high-sugar, fast-food diet, are responsible for the encroaching flab.

‘Already one in ten men is so embarrassed by his big backside that he won’t strip in front of his partner,’ says the Sun.

Could that be the reason why they make love in their socks?

Posted: 25th, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Space Invader

‘IT’S a depressing thought that in 30 years, the average bloke will have to convert a marquee into a pair of trousers to have any hope of squeezing his 42in hips into them.

Coming to a planet near you

But there’s no need to take out that gym membership or embark on that low-fat diet just yet – hope is at hand, and just 17 years away.

‘The Armageddon asteroid is coming,’ announces the Mirror. Astronomers have discovered that ‘a giant asteroid is hurtling towards Earth at 28 kilometres per second’.

‘If the huge rock strikes – and scientists predict that on its present course it will crash from the sky on February 1, 2019 – the impact will be devastating,’ says the paper.

‘It will hit with the explosive force of hundreds of atomic bombs, causing catastrophic global changes, igniting immense fires and transforming the climate.

‘If it plunges into the ocean it will create killer tidal waves which will wipe out millions.’

So those of you sitting at your desks while tucking into a high-fat, high-sugar mid-morning snack from your nearest fast-food establishment may continue – you might as well live for the moment.

Posted: 25th, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment


An Offer Too Good To Accept

‘BURGLARS who have been raiding a Norwegian company might get away with more than they planned, after the company boss offered them a two-month holiday.

Bill Schjelderup, managing editor of Bergen Energy, says recent burglaries have cost the company £86,000, and that sending the thieves on a holiday would be more cost-effective.

‘This is completely crazy,’ he told the Bergens Tidende newspaper. ‘We can’t take any more. If the thieves will report in I’m willing to give them a two-month southern holiday, plus spending money.’

If the police happen to be there when they report in, however, then they’re likely to go away for a lot longer than two months. ‘

Posted: 25th, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Ciao, Tony

‘THAT we should be so lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky to be asylum seekers. Instead, we’re saddled with debts, and a future that says no pension, no NHS and no World Cups.

We’re all going on a summer holiday

We have no-one to complain to, either, since our MPs are off on their 81-day summer holidays this afternoon.

The Mirror reminds readers that our top politicians get four months off work each year, and have already taken five days off at the turn of the year, 12 days off at Whitsun and 10 days off over Easter.

Interestingly enough, the dash to Tuscany coincides with Transport Secretary Alistair Darling’s unveiling of a plan to increase the number of runways at Stansted, Heathrow and Manchester airports.

When parliament reconvenes, look out for tax breaks for people buying second homes on the continent, index linked Chianti and generous perks for employing non-domestic au pairs.

Or asylum seekers, as the Mail would have it.

Posted: 24th, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Money Troubles

”MILLIONS drown in a sea of debt,’ announces the Express. ‘Asylum seekers’ summer fun with YOUR £1m,’ says the Mail.

Young asylum seekers train for their first Channel crossing

Which all adds up to money leaving YOUR pockets and going into theirs. The Express ponders those ‘caught in the debt trap’, the ones who will be ruined should taxes or interest rates rise.

People like Clarissa Jones, 25, who has £13,000 of debt ‘and blames the high cost of modern living on the woes’, and Elizabeth Martin, 24, who works at her parents’ bakery.

Debt might be an ugly word but its face is white, fresh and full of feminine vigour. And not a little unlike Mari Hill’s, 32, and Sarah Dutson’s, 26, who both appear in the Mirror’s feature on the Kylie generation.

According to the Mirror’s economist, teenagers of the late 1980s, the so-called ‘Kylie generation’ have ‘matured into financially independent adults’. To illustrate, see Sarah’s £60,000 second home, and Mari’s designs to take a bank loan and replace her bathroom – her indoor bathroom, no less.

The haves and the have nots look pretty similar, sound much alike and have nice pouting mouths. Nothing like those asylum seekers.

Mail readers don’t get to see pictures of Ali, Osman and Svetlana because they’re at the beach having too much fun to pop into the paper’s offices.

And, boy, does it sound like fun. Having stepped from the ‘Ride of Death’, a lorry-style adventure, asylum seekers are now learning how to abseil, set up camps and swim.

Home Office Minister Beverley Hughes says the aim is to help asylum seekers ‘use their time constructively’. And what could be better than improving their swimming technique, learning how to scale cliff faces and live off the land?

If apprehended, those living in Kent can cut the local police down to size with a karate chop learned at class. ‘You’ll never take me alive, copper!’ as the repatriated may soon be saying in Bosnia, Afghanistan, Sydney…’

Posted: 24th, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Madame’s Newest Girl

‘PART of the cavalcade of fun enjoyed by the hard-partying refugees involves a trip to Madame Tussaud’s.

Kylie begins to melt under the heat of the museum lights

‘Dear mother,’ writes Yuri on the back of a photograph of himself and David Beckham, ‘England is fantastic. I have new friends (see reverse) and am happy.’

Yuri might then send another snap to his pals, the lads back in the village. ‘This is me with my new girlfriend. She, like me, is an immigrant to this wonderful country. Her name is Kylie.’

At first glance, Kylie appears to have fallen in with a bad lot, conjuring up money by turning tricks with her foreign body. And thanks to the front pages of the Star and the Sun, Britishers who can’t afford to have ‘fun’ in Madame Tussaud’s can see what they’re missing.

What they’re missing is the chance to see Kylie showing off her black lacy knickers as she crawls along the carpet, dressed in a red basque and black thigh-high boots.

Back in Kyrgystan, a million more men and women clamber into a truck, with dreams of Kylie and being ‘Kylie independent’ in their minds.’

Posted: 24th, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Nasty Nick Nicked

‘UNLIKE most British villains – the Krays, Frankie Fraser, Kenneth Noye, John Palmer – Nicholas van Hoogstraten scores some big points at scrabble.

S-A-S-S-I-N-A-S-S

It is a pity that he didn’t stick to playing scrabble as this morning the papers celebrate the end of a life of crime for the multi-millionaire property developer.

The Sun tells how the ‘£500m killer’ swapped his palace for a prison last night after being found guilty of hiring two hitmen to bump off a rival. And the Mirror expects the man it dubs ‘Britain’s most evil landlord’ to receive life behind bars when he is sentenced in October.

It tells how he used killing, blackmail, intimidation and extortion to build up a huge fortune, with ‘a crooked CV that included beatings, jury nobbling, a fire-bombing and even a grenade attack’.

But it is his views on ginger people that really upset Mirror reporter David Edwards (who, you will no doubt have guessed, is a carrot-top himself). ‘He dismissed people with ginger hair – such as myself – as ‘anarchists’,’ Edwards writes in horror.

Well, anyone who watched Big Brother Tim’s constant flouting of the rules and saw him urging his fellow inmates to tear down the rich-poor divide will know there is some truth in Nasty Nick’s opinion.

Admit it, David – even you have thought about crossing the street without waiting for the green man, haven’t you?

Posted: 23rd, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment


(Sex) Toys R Us

‘WHAT do you think of when talk – as it inevitably does – turns to the subject of sex toys? A blow-up rubber Jordan (with foot pump provided) for sir; a Fokuoko 9000 or Hitachi Magic Wand for madam. Maybe thoughts turn to harnesses and restraints, to Prince Alberts or Prince Edwards – but rarely do you think of a Scooby-Doo souvenir.

Put a tiger in your love life

However, according to the Star’s front page this morning, that is precisely what ‘saucy’ Big Brother couple Kate Lawler and Alex Sibley are using to play kinky bedtime games. ‘Model Alex found the unlikely sex aid in a cereal packet and saved the glow-in-the-dark toy for his secret sessions under the duvet with curvy kick-boxer Kate,’ the Star reports.

And what pray is this glow-in-the-dark toy? It is ‘a toy version of the doggy detective’s famous Mystery Machine’, which the pair use to play their kinky games of ‘Follow The Van’. The Star explains the rules: ‘She lies in her bed and hides the van under the covers. Excited Alex then has to grope around in the dark to find the glowing toy.’

How the days – and nights – must fly by…

Posted: 23rd, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)


The Breast Of Hear’Say

‘HEAR’SAY ordering Myleene to cover up her boobs may not be quite in the same league as the Rolling Stones asking Mick Jagger to get lip reduction surgery – but it does mean that now the only two boobs on show in the band will be Danny and Noel.

Myleene steps from her corset and into obscurity

And that should sound the long-awaited death knell for the Popstars winners.

The Sun says the 24-year-old’s ‘glorious cleavage’ [passim] has been leaving fellas agog at gigs in Wolverhampton, Southampton and Newcastle. But record company bosses are worried that her 34D chest is so popular it is overshadowing the rest of the band.

An insider tells the paper: ‘Myleene’s image is great, but we want to contain things a little bit. Over recent weeks most of the pictures in the Press have focussed on Myleene’s chest. All the talk’s about her breasts, not the band’s performance.’

Reason enough, you would think, for the record company to beg Myleene to perform topless.

Posted: 23rd, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Arranged Marriage?

‘WAITING for ‘the one’ often drives people crazy with frustration. But no one considers that ‘the one’ might not even be born until they’re 57.

The ridiculousness of this notion was quashed when a 20-year-old Iranian man married a 77-year-old virgin in the village of Gonabad (how apt). Local reports claim that the youthful groom, Hesam Khalili, has wed septuagenarian Fatemeh Jamshidi Khakhi – referred to by newspapers as the ‘happy girl’.

But speculation has begun to mount that the groom had wed his ageing bride so as to cut his two years of military service. Married men only serve half the term. ‘

Posted: 23rd, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Caine Mutiny

”WILLIAM Hickey meets Michael Caine. Again and again and again and again…’ Thus spake John Cooper Clarke a quarter century ago, in his seminal work, (You’ll Never See A Nipple In) The Daily Express.

‘My name is Sir Michael Caine – and no-one likes me’

And upon buttering our toast and sipping our tea from a bone china cup, we pick up the Daily Express dated 22 July, to discover, on Page 7 … Michael Caine.

And once again, the Express lends a sympathetic ear, with its Caine-in-a-nutshell headline: ‘Everyone hates me for being a success, but I don’t mind.’

Yet even the Express is finding Michael’s routine a little difficult to take, what with him being a knight of the realm and being regularly voted at the top of the popularity polls in the land of his birth.

Not only that, but three of his films were voted the ‘coolest’ of all time by what the Express describes as the ‘younger generation’.

It all makes his claims that he was resented for his working class origins a little hard to swallow.

The paper quotes Caine’s biographer William Hall, who is ‘disappointed’ by this latest outburst.

‘I’m amazed he’s still mentioning this,’ says Hall. ‘I certainly thought he had got it out of his system at the Baftas and, frankly, if the knighthood didn’t settle it I don’t know what will.’

First President of the Republic of England might do it, we humbly suggest.

Posted: 22nd, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment


It’s Andy being a Royal

‘WE mock Michael Caine’s class paranoia, but then something happens that makes you wonder if there isn’t something in it.

Andy on the trail of another birdie

The Sun recounts how a ‘shocked motorist’ saw Prince Andrew brush off a police officer who had the temerity to stop the Royal heartthrob as he gadded about in his Land Rover.

The hapless officer’s impertinence got short shrift by the man formerly known as Randy Andy.

‘I’m in a hurry,’ he barked. ‘It was only 50,’ he added – referring, presumably, to his speed, and not his David Boon-like intake of tinned beers.

So while other drivers were booked, the Prince drove off in the direction of Heathrow, where he caught a flight to watch the Open golf tournament.

Scotland Yard confirmed that no action will be taken against Andrew. ‘Not everyone stopped for speeding is prosecuted,’ said a spokesman.

Meanwhile Michael Caine lies rotting in a cell, while police complete the paperwork on his damaged windscreen-wiper.

Posted: 22nd, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Suited And Booted (Out)

‘MORE evidence of class bias from the Express. This time, the victims were entirely innocent, as the opening sentence immediately indicates, concerning as it does, ‘three middle-aged consultants and two executives’.

He’s got trouble written all over him

Not only that, but these pillars of society were ‘sharing a drink with a council’s chief executive and a firm’s managing director’.

Pretty impressive, you will agree, but it doesn’t stop there. ‘They arrived at the Curlew pub in West Purley, Dorset, in a Porsche and a Jaguar,’ the paper drools.

This was all too much for the surly landlord, green with jealousy, who promptly barred them under the flimsy pretext that the pub refuses to serve ‘groups of lads’.

Mike Turvey (chief executive of Christchurch Council in Dorset) professed himself ‘absolutely gobsmacked’ by the treatment.

‘I explained to the barman who we were but he said he’d thrown executives out before.’

And he’ll throw them out again if they turn up in the nude. No exceptions – rules is rules.

Posted: 22nd, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Soul Bidder

‘WHEN Faustus sold his soul, he expected 24 years of power and pleasure in return. But all Gareth Malham got for his soul when he auctioned it on an internet site was £11.61.

The impoverished artist from Byker, Newcastle, advertised his soul on eBay and sold it to a man from Oklahoma who had lost his own soul in a bet over a game of air hockey.

Gareth, 26, said he is an atheist and did not believe he would come to any harm from making the deal, despite several warning emails from Christians.

‘I asked the guy who was buying it and he said he wasn’t a Satanist, thank God [sic],’ he said.

He will sign over his soul to the lucky buyer by writing a legal document in his own blood – just as soon as he receives his cheque. ‘

Posted: 22nd, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment


The Spirit Of Free Enterprise

‘YOU’VE insured your house, your car, your cat and your complete collection of The People’s Friend Yearbook. But have you insured your home against ghosts?

Ultraviolet, a Bristol-based insurance company, is happy to do so, and who can blame them? The policy is called Spooksafe policy, and it will pay out up to £100,000 for death, injury or damage to personal affects caused by a ghost or poltergeist. It also includes visitors from outer space.

Ultraviolet will also insure people against being changed into a vampire or werewolf, with a pay-out of £1 million if someone can medically prove they have been transformed.

The firm has already paid out £100,000 on one policy, after a woman who died when she was thrown over the banister in her home. Simon Burgess, chief underwriting officer at the group, said: ‘We had a specialist firm of investigators look into it and they were convinced that a ghost was responsible.’

Most clients have been in the California, not surprisingly.’

Posted: 19th, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Jamie Puckers Up

‘THERE are some headlines guaranteed to make even those of the hardiest disposition nervous. And one such appears on the front page of this morning’s Express. ‘Britain In Germ Terror Threat,’ says the headline – but it is the neighbouring picture and accompanying caption that strikes true fear into any right-thinking reader. ‘Jamie Oliver and wife in nude pictures row,’ says the paper (beneath a picture of the fat-tongued chef and his mo-del wife) and urges us to turn to Page 41.

Oliver: All tongue and still no taste

With trembling hand and beating heart, we turn inside in mortal fear that we might be subjected to a glimpse of the Naked Chef, well, naked. Could the grinning e-gomaniac’s craving for publicity have taken a new and grotesque twist and he and Jools posed in the buff a la John Lennon and Yoko Ono?

Had some sick pervert caught on camera that moment of congress between man and wife that had produced Poppy Holly? Or had Jools been forced to disrobe for a top-shelf magazine to earn the money to send her husband to the US for the tongue-reduction surgery he so urgently requires?

Thankfully, it is none of the above – and it is with a huge sigh of relief that we can report that no nude pictures of the couple exist. But not thanks to Sainsbury’s. The supermarket chain had wanted to film an advert featuring the two in the bath, but had to pull the plug (so to speak) because ‘no-one wants to go ahead with it’. It couldn’t have had anything to do with the lack of responses to the job of Jools’ body double, could it?

After all, what woman wouldn’t have been overjoyed to receive £350 to sit topless in the bath with Jamie?

Posted: 19th, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Babe And The Woods

‘HAPPY now, Bob Styles, aged 26, of Eastbourne? Yesterday, readers will recall, you were gutted at Channel 4’s decision not to show a full frontal of Big Brother’s Kate when she whipped her bikini top off. But this morning the Sun rectifies that oversight, publishing a picture of Kate clad only in a wet T-shirt.

Meanwhile, the real Elin Nordegren ponders her next move

However, Bob’s thoughts are probably elsewhere today, specifically on swimsuit model Elin Nordegren, the woman who, the Mail says (with stunning originality), has ‘caught the eye of the Tiger’.

Both the Mail and the Express devote their respective Page 3s to pictures of the 22-year-old Swede wearing only a yellow bikini and what looks like about half a gallon of baby oil. The Mail finds it easy to see why she caught the eye of the world’s best golfer when she was introduced by Swedish golfer Jesper Parnevik, whose children she was looking after, last year.

But how Parnevik got away with employing a well-oiled blonde swimsuit model as an au pair is another issue entirely.

Posted: 19th, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Readers’ Pets

‘IT is just as well for the charms of Miss Nordegren because being a Mail reader is a depressing business. This morning, that misguided bunch learn that a ‘summer of air chaos’ is in the offing. ‘Union militants are back and the next target is your holiday,’ it warns.

‘I look nothing like my cat’

Not anyone else’s holiday, you understand, but YOURS. Just as the Government pays for its expensive follies by raiding YOUR piggy bank, gambles with YOUR kids’ futures, sells YOUR kids drugs etc.

But Mail readers are not without blame themselves as this morning’s front page points out. ‘Are we killing our pets with kindness?’ asks the paper next to a picture of a fat Dalmatian. The answer is, of course, yes. The PDSA says more than 50% of pets are now overweight as they pay their price for their owners’ lazy lifestyles.

The Mail is so concerned about this that it has put Science Reporter Tim Utton on the case, who appeals to readers to send in pictures of their colossal cats or paunchy pooches to a special ‘Fat Pets’ address.

You know what they say about owners coming to look like their pets. Let’s see what Mail readers really look like in the next few days…

Posted: 19th, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Belinda Passes Her MOT

‘Laura decided to take Ian back after he promised her that she could have a baby. But being the lying, two-faced little weasel that he is, he’s also booked himself into a vasectomy clinic without telling her.

As the rest of the world rejoices that they’re won’t be any more little Beales in the world, it’s unlikely Laura’s going to see it that way. Laura is getting more and more deranged with every episode. From deep frying Ian’s business proposal to throwing boiling milk at Janine, she’s now taking to manically staring at Ian with her gooseberry eyes out on stalks and whispering ‘you better not let me down Ian, or you’ll be sorry.’ No wonder he’s looking scared.

And speaking of mentalists, Little Mo has been granted an appeal on the strength of Donna’s testimony. Unfortunately, Kat in her usual caring way has managed to scare her so badly that she’s run away. Kat’s people skills are second to none. She also told her own daughter that she was ‘dirt’ and ‘to keep away forever’. With interpersonal skills like that, it’s only a matter of time before she’s snapped up by Labour’s Spin Doctors.

Can someone please explain who’s bright idea it was to cast Lynne Slater in the role as the modern day Helen of Troy? First it was Beppe, declaring that she was ‘the most perfect woman in the world’, then Gary realised that he ‘couldn’t live wifout ‘er’, and now ex-fiance Jason is back on the scene.

‘I made the biggest mistake of my life, lettin’ you go Lynne,’ he told her. We all know she’s got a great wrist action when it comes to shaking that chip basket, but surely there’s got to be more to it than that?

Lynne has decided to run away with Jason and leave Gary. As Gary spends most of his life comatose on the sofa, he probably won’t realise for a couple of months anyway. Another Slater sister who’s proving that Kat isn’t the only one to put the slapper into Slater is Belinda.

Belinda has turned up again, complete with comedy frightwig ostensibly to support the family in their hour of need over Zoe, but really it’s because her Neville asked her to put on a ‘costume’ (the details of which we were thankfully spared).

Belinda chose to demonstrate her wifely virtues by embarking on a fling with Jamie. ‘I think it needs a good servicing,’ she breathed as Jamie was bent over her car, like something out of ‘Confessions of A Driving Instructor’. It wasn’t long before Jamie had her hood up and was rummaging around under her bonnet.

When Phil told him he needed to strip some old bangers, I’m not sure that’s quite what he had in mind.

Posted: 19th, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Bring Your Own

‘MARCO Arellano, 34, of Brooklyn, New York was arrested in the Alpine Gourmet Farm on Seventh Avenue for adulterating the food.

He had done the same in various salad bars in the centre of town using a dressing he had prepared earlier and brought along in a bottle, which he used to squirt the liquid.

The owner of the Alpine said no-one had complained about the food that day, which is odd, as the ingredients of Arellano’s dressing were his own urine and faeces.’

Posted: 18th, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Police In Pub

‘WE all know the police weren’t exactly happy about Home Secretary David Blunkett’s plans for reform, but few of us suspected that the Boys In Blue would go this far.

Police release picture of Blunkett insider wanted for questioning

A top-secret dossier outlining police plans for the minister’s protection was ‘accidentally’ left outside a Sheffield pub, providing what the Sun describes as ‘a godsend for terrorists’.

Unfortunately for the coppers, Osama Bin Laden wasn’t having his normal shandy in the pub at the time, and the document was picked up by a public-spirited punter who handed it to the Sun.

‘It was just lying on the pavement by the front door,’ said the former soldier (who is not named, presumably because he is now a terrorist threat). ‘You can’t imagine a policeman taking a report like this with him to a pub – but there can’t be any other explanation.’

Indeed not, mystery man. In fact, we can scarcely imagine a rozzer going into a pub at all unless it was to break a pork scratching smuggling ring or for a half of best bitter to celebrate 25 years of successful thief-catching.

Posted: 18th, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment