Tabloids Category

The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.

Belinda Passes Her MOT

‘Laura decided to take Ian back after he promised her that she could have a baby. But being the lying, two-faced little weasel that he is, he’s also booked himself into a vasectomy clinic without telling her.

As the rest of the world rejoices that they’re won’t be any more little Beales in the world, it’s unlikely Laura’s going to see it that way. Laura is getting more and more deranged with every episode. From deep frying Ian’s business proposal to throwing boiling milk at Janine, she’s now taking to manically staring at Ian with her gooseberry eyes out on stalks and whispering ‘you better not let me down Ian, or you’ll be sorry.’ No wonder he’s looking scared.

And speaking of mentalists, Little Mo has been granted an appeal on the strength of Donna’s testimony. Unfortunately, Kat in her usual caring way has managed to scare her so badly that she’s run away. Kat’s people skills are second to none. She also told her own daughter that she was ‘dirt’ and ‘to keep away forever’. With interpersonal skills like that, it’s only a matter of time before she’s snapped up by Labour’s Spin Doctors.

Can someone please explain who’s bright idea it was to cast Lynne Slater in the role as the modern day Helen of Troy? First it was Beppe, declaring that she was ‘the most perfect woman in the world’, then Gary realised that he ‘couldn’t live wifout ‘er’, and now ex-fiance Jason is back on the scene.

‘I made the biggest mistake of my life, lettin’ you go Lynne,’ he told her. We all know she’s got a great wrist action when it comes to shaking that chip basket, but surely there’s got to be more to it than that?

Lynne has decided to run away with Jason and leave Gary. As Gary spends most of his life comatose on the sofa, he probably won’t realise for a couple of months anyway. Another Slater sister who’s proving that Kat isn’t the only one to put the slapper into Slater is Belinda.

Belinda has turned up again, complete with comedy frightwig ostensibly to support the family in their hour of need over Zoe, but really it’s because her Neville asked her to put on a ‘costume’ (the details of which we were thankfully spared).

Belinda chose to demonstrate her wifely virtues by embarking on a fling with Jamie. ‘I think it needs a good servicing,’ she breathed as Jamie was bent over her car, like something out of ‘Confessions of A Driving Instructor’. It wasn’t long before Jamie had her hood up and was rummaging around under her bonnet.

When Phil told him he needed to strip some old bangers, I’m not sure that’s quite what he had in mind.

Posted: 19th, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Police In Pub

‘WE all know the police weren’t exactly happy about Home Secretary David Blunkett’s plans for reform, but few of us suspected that the Boys In Blue would go this far.

Police release picture of Blunkett insider wanted for questioning

A top-secret dossier outlining police plans for the minister’s protection was ‘accidentally’ left outside a Sheffield pub, providing what the Sun describes as ‘a godsend for terrorists’.

Unfortunately for the coppers, Osama Bin Laden wasn’t having his normal shandy in the pub at the time, and the document was picked up by a public-spirited punter who handed it to the Sun.

‘It was just lying on the pavement by the front door,’ said the former soldier (who is not named, presumably because he is now a terrorist threat). ‘You can’t imagine a policeman taking a report like this with him to a pub – but there can’t be any other explanation.’

Indeed not, mystery man. In fact, we can scarcely imagine a rozzer going into a pub at all unless it was to break a pork scratching smuggling ring or for a half of best bitter to celebrate 25 years of successful thief-catching.

Posted: 18th, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Dyke Tied Up

‘THE papers seem obsessed this morning with what everyone’s wearing or not wearing. While the Star’s Page 4 is devoted to Kate’s topless back, the Mail’s Page 4 is concerned with far weightier issues, relaying a story about the BBC Director-General under the headline ‘Greg Dyke wears tie shock’.

Mail news archive unearthed

‘Mr Dyke, who usually favours open-necked shirts certainly pulled up his socks when he appeared before MPs yesterday,’ it says. ‘Despite the uncomfortable heat in the Commons select committee room, he teamed a dark suit with a light beige shirt and gold and black-spotted tie.’

Fascinating. And there is more. The paper goes on to quote a BBC spokesman who explained: ‘Mr Dyke has a large selection of ties and he wore one of them.’

The paper neglects to say whether Mr Dyke was wearing underpants and, if so, whether they were his own. We hope they will remedy that oversight tomorrow. ‘

Posted: 18th, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Bring Your Own

‘MARCO Arellano, 34, of Brooklyn, New York was arrested in the Alpine Gourmet Farm on Seventh Avenue for adulterating the food.

He had done the same in various salad bars in the centre of town using a dressing he had prepared earlier and brought along in a bottle, which he used to squirt the liquid.

The owner of the Alpine said no-one had complained about the food that day, which is odd, as the ingredients of Arellano’s dressing were his own urine and faeces.’

Posted: 18th, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

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