Tabloids | Anorak - Part 38

Tabloids Category

The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.

Fergus Shanahan Sees Tony Blair’s Cancer Plot

FERGUS Shanahan, the Sun’s deputy editor, has today’s non-sequitur of the day. It’s stream of consciousness journalism…

Former EastEnders actress Wendy Richard is dying of cancer. Shanahan says Richard reminds him of Pat Phoenix, who played Elsie Tanner in Coronation Street, and also died of cancer.

When ill, Pat married Tony Booth, father to Cherie Booth, wife to Winston Churchill Blair.

“I wonder if he [Tony Blair] feels if three Labour governments have made enough progress on improving Britain’s dismal cancer survival rates.”

Journalists used to ask politicans questions, now they just wonder. Perhaps cancer can form part  of a soap opera storyline, and Fergus can investigate by watching..? 

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Posted: 7th, October 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Gemma Atkinson Pulls On Jack Osbourne’s Rubber

TODAY Gemma Atkinson will be telling Daily Star readers about her “WILD ROMPS” with Jack Osbourne.

Jack is the son of vibrating pop sensation Ozzy Osbourne and pixie-voiced house-poo enthusiast Sharon Osbourne. Jack also wears glasses. That’s Jack.

Gemma is a former soap actress, wannabe Wag and the owner of two signed Cristiano Ronaldo that she keeps close to her heart beneath the skin on her chest.

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Posted: 7th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (10)

Strictly Come Dancing Judge Exposed As Straight Man

TO the set of the BBC’s bloated Strictly Come Dancing, then. And news that dance judge Craig Revel Horwood is an illegal immigrant.

We have never seen beneath the desk at which Revel Horwood sits, but allegations are that it houses a Colombian cleaning lady, a family of Ukrainian shoe polishers and three Bangladeshi waiters.

Born in Australia, Revel Horwood is alleged to have married a British woman called Jane in 1990, who he left 12 months later to set up home with one Lloyd Rooney.

The allegation is that Revel Horwood is not a camp dance judge with drip-dry hair, but a hot-blooded heterosexual male who has bedded women.

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Posted: 6th, October 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)

Amy Winehouse Sicko: You Can Hear Mitch Winehouse Shaking

WITH Blaaaake Fielder-Dreams in jail, Amy Wineshouse’s professional dad Mitch is the singer’s man at large.

Today the Sun brings news of a letter Mitch has received from Blake. It’s “Blake’s sicko threats to Mitch.” Says a source:

I could hear Mitch physically shaking when he phoned to tell me about the letter. He couldn’t even bring himself to read it out loud as it was just too sickening.”

Maybe if he took his cab keys out of his pocket he’d make less noise?

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Posted: 6th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Football Manager Owes Billions In Tax

MONEY madness in the Daily Mirror:

“THREE TV stars and a football club manager are at the centre of £1billion tax-dodging investigation”

They just aren’t paid enough

Posted: 6th, October 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comment

Zeroes For Heroes: Simon Cowell Fights On The Front Lines

WHAT better way to salute the British armed forces than by instructing 12 wannabe singers and budding celebs to sing a warbling version of Mariah Carey’s Hero?

Answer: none.

The Sun features the X Factor’s first ever song for charity, and hears Simon Cowell say that:

“It’s too good an opportunity to pass up.”

Indeed, even in war there is opportunity for spivs, arms manufacturers and entertainers to get rich and famous. For Vera Lynn, read four-piece girl group Bad Lashes.

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Posted: 6th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (4)

The Great Starbucks Spoon Debate

MORE news on the Sun’s big Starbucks story, and the paper wonders if the firm’s current protocol is the best way to clean a spoon.

The Sun says “the tap is used only to clean spoons”.

Although it had early thrown in the exotica of “utensils”.

To the ishoo in hand: is rinsing in running water the best way to clean a spoon, or is it preferable to employ a small Peruvian fair trade farmer to lick each spoon clean, and so make one and all feel better and that they are doing their bit?

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Posted: 6th, October 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)

Starbucks Creates Skinny Rain And Foamy Seas

STARBUCKS’ coffee drones are required to leave the taps on all day in their shops.

“In STARBERKS”, the Sun leads with news that the coffee chain “wastes 23 million litres of water a day”. How so?

“That would be enough to fill an Olympic Swimming pool every 83 minutes.” Although, given the impending London 2012 Olympic Games, that represent not a waste but an investment in the country’s future.

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Posted: 6th, October 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)

Big Brother Housemates: The Cull Begins

BIG BROTHER stars in bloodbath,” screams the Daily Star. “AMAZING STREET BATTLE.”

And so the cull is upon us. OMA Law Of Perpetual Celebrity states:

“For every one new celebrity created an existing celebrity should be thrown onto the EU Celebrity Mountain; there should be no more than 62 front-line celebrities at any one moment; one must be called Noel Edmonds.”

If you want to find what happened to H from Steps, Caprice and Faria Alam go to Silo 13245b on the complex that borders Brussels Airport. Wear boots, overalls and no branded merchandise.

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Posted: 6th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)

High Times In Class C As Pupil Gives Teacher Hash Cakes

HIGH times at Class C, at Wortley High School in Leeds, West Yorks, where a 15-year-old has been expelled after, allegedly, giving hash cakes to two teaching assistants.

Says the Sun:

The members of staff fell violently ill with dizziness and severe headaches hours after tucking into treats the teenager made at home.

It was cannabis. Well, “probably”. The Sun says the cakes have not been tested.

The student would seem to have right to appeal, and should we not applaud her home economics skills. She did not buy the hash cakes ready made but produced them self from scratch, and all natural ingredients.

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Posted: 6th, October 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (16)

Lily Allen Stands On Her Feet

LILY Allen news of the day:

“LILY Allen, 23, looks more like a rain-soaked refugee than chart-humping singer as she stands outside a club in London” – Goss, Daily Star

More Lily Allen news tomorrow…

Posted: 6th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)

How The Media Treats Australian Backpacker Britt Lapthorne

The frantic family and friends of missing Australian backpacker Britt Lapthorne are appealing for help to trace her.

Anorak picked up on the story of the 21-year-old Melbourne woman who has been missing since September 18 after she visited a night club in Dubrovnik, Croatia, and seems to be among the first of the UK media to do so.

Britt, above, had been staying at a backpacker hostel and police failed to react quickly to a fellow backpacker’s anxious inquiries about her the following day. It was several days before her family were informed and her brother, Darren, and father, Dale, are now in Croatia and urging police to do more.

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Posted: 5th, October 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (15)

Show And Tell: Bill Henson In The Playground

“PREMIER John Brumby has demanded an investigation into how controversial artist Bill Henson was allowed to visit a Victorian primary school to find young models.”

To Australia…

Mr Brumby has ordered an urgent inquiry into how Henson was allowed to tour the Melbourne school to look for boys and girls for his artwork, which often features children in various states of undress and nudity.

To the changing rooms…

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Posted: 5th, October 2008 | In: Strange But True, Tabloids | Comments (5)

Waking Up With Craig Meehan And Peado Spotting With The People

THE story so far: former upermarket fishmonger, Ken Morley look-alike, one time live-in male role model to Shannon Matthews and look alike Craig Meehan is found to be in possession of illegal images. He serves time in jail. He is then released. Now read on…

THE PEOPLE: “Shannon stepdad tries to lure girl to his house.”

EXCLUSIVE Inside the twisted world of kidnap Shannon’s pervert stepdad Craig Meehan He sends dirty txts & lures girl to house WITHOUT telling police.. Brags he’ll be ONLINE within days – Boasts he should be on Big Brother – Spends days on his Xbox, swigging lager and cuddling kitten at taxpayers’ expense…

A kitten… For shame! Joshua Layton And Jessica Boulton investigate…

The shameless stepdad of kidnap case girl Shannon Matthews has secretly tried to lure a pretty girl into his safe house for a sex tryst.

Shameless. Yeah, like the TV show. This is news reporting for anyone who thinks Shameless is a documentary and Craig Meehan an extra on it. Do you have trouble seperating fact from fiction?

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Posted: 5th, October 2008 | In: Politicians, Reviews, Tabloids | Comments (18)

Lily Allen’s Argos

LILY Allen News Of The Day: Lily’s Mail Order Jewels…

Showing money really doesn’t buy you class, Lily Allen’s been spotted shopping in her local Argos – Daily Mirror

More Lily Allen news tomorrow…

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Posted: 4th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)

Madeleine McCann: Paedos From Lamp-Posts, Hating Fiona Philips And JonBenet Ramsey

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

QUEENSFERRY GAZETTE (Scotland): “We’ve been ad”

A CONCERNED mum has spoken out about the potential hazards posed by new outdoor advertising boards. Janette Sheppard is also worried that other parents may think the boards are simply lamp-posts.

Lamp-posts, for paedos to hide behind… Like those (G)litter bins

She said: “These have just sprung up – one is outside my son’s primary school. At first glance it would be easy to mistake them for lamp-posts, but they are actually advertising boards.”

The wonders of modern technology. Who would have thunk it. Go on…

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Posted: 4th, October 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (293)

The Family Business: The Difficulty Of Being Peaches Geldof

WHO the hell is Peaches Honeyblossom Michelle Charlotte Angel Vanessa Geldof, Pitt The Younger Algernon Winstona Disraeli Goo-Foo Trevor Benjamin Mandela Puff?

Or to put it another way: who is her dad?

Peaches is blessed with all the cool of a wasabi enema. She is everything any genuine teenage rebels abhors and avoids being.

Being Peaches cannot be easy. As Anorak has said, being Peaches is like turning up at swingers’ party to find your mum handing out the towels. She just has to make the best of her lot.

And dad Bob Geldof wants the best for his kids; all sane parents do. So Peaches decides on a career as a professional Geldof, and is encouraged. As such, she has little to do. She is a member of the elusive club of children of the rich and successful. She can just be.

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Posted: 3rd, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7)

How To Get Ahead In Journalism, By Rachel Royce

BUDDING hackettes should know that one way to snare a column is to date a columnist and then: a) have him leave you; b) leave him.

You will then be on the path to byline fame, and – who knows – maybe even a spot on Loose Women.

Rachel Royce has taken our advice to heart, and having found herself separated from Rod Liddle, rubs her chin and..:

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Posted: 3rd, October 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (9)

Sir Ian Blair Knifed

“STOP KNIVES, SAVE LIVES,” says the Mirror, which also reports on the parting of Sir Ian Blair. Was he pushed, or did he fall down the stairs?

Sir Ian Blair is deposed as “Britain’s top cop (all papers) and how does the Mirror, annonce the departure?

“PLOD OFF. Knifed by Boris…”

Police are looking for Boris, an IC3 male who went that way…

(Image: Beau Bo D’Or)

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Posted: 3rd, October 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (5)

Muslim Fundamentalists Promise To Destroy EastEnders Omnibus

ANORAK has found it hard to admire Muslim fundamentalists. But this might be about to changes the Star thunders:


Might the front-page screamer read:


It’s Ian Beale, right. His plans for Square domination are the hallmarks of the Jew. First the café, then the fish ‘n’ chops shop, and when he has the world food supplies in his thrall, he comes for the little children…

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Posted: 3rd, October 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (5)

Abusing Russell Brand: Jon Gaunt Doesn’t Read The Sun

RUSSELL Brand makes a crass joke about rape.

COMIC RUSSELL BRAND was condemned by rape charities yesterday after he rang a sex attack hotline during a gig.

“Amusing,” says the Sun sub-header.

Brand later apologised, saying: “I am devastated by the possibility I may have offended vulnerable people” – Sun – July 16, 2008


Come on Russell, prove you’re a real man and apologise to the women anjd their families who you gravely insulted – Jon Gaunt, Sun October 3, 2008

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Posted: 3rd, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)

A Free Knife With Every Hoodie

THERE’S a great twofor deal at TK Maxs: shoppers can buy a hoodie and get a free knife stitched into the lining.

The Sun gives its front page over to the news that: “T.K Maxx sell jackets with knives sewn in.”

For just £59 shoppers can buy a jacket that doubles as an urban survival aide. Says one kebab shop regular:

“It’s great. If the boffins can put an optic of curry sauce in the zip, it will be greatest invention since the chainsaw.”

Inside and in “FOOL METAL JACKET,” the Sun shows a youth in school tie done up to the neck and clean blue jumper pulling the knife from his coat’s lining.

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Posted: 3rd, October 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4)

Geri Halliwell’s Ugenia Lavander Cleans Up

GERI Halliwell has been named “the most successful celebrity author of the year”.

In five months she has sold 250,000 of her Ugenia Lavender stories, the tales of a female hygiene product as it wends its way from an Indian farm collective to a landfill site in the East Midlands.
Says Geri:

“I’m so happy that everyone loves Ugenia as much as I do.”

Indeed, sick of reading the side of perfume bottles and cans of mace as he irrigates his colon, Old Mr Anorak says the Ugenia Lavender product is far more stimulating, although the hard cover version can chafe…

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Posted: 3rd, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)

That Britney Spears Ghalib Sex Tape In Full

READERS may recall the news of the sex tape that Brummie Adnan Ghalib is said to be flogging. Says the former confident of Ms Britney Spears:

“There is no sex tape. I’m extremely upset and taking legal action”.

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Posted: 2nd, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (8)

It Was The Sun Wot Done The Economy

A RUN on UK banks in the Sun:

“FEARS rose last night that millions of pounds could be sucked out of the UK as Brits switch their savings to Irish banks to dodge the financial crisis” – Sun

“But there are still safe places to go. The Post Office, for example, offers several savings accounts run by Bank of Ireland” – Ian King, Sun Business editor

Fear is what Tabloids do best…

Posted: 2nd, October 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (4)