Anorak

Tabloids | Anorak - Part 40

Tabloids Category

The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.

Ann Widdecome On Paul Newman

ANN Widdecombe is discussing Paul Newman:

“He also knew when to stop acting, an example many others would have benefitted from following”

Not including his voiceover work, Newman appeared in Empire Falls in 2005. His work won him an Emmy for Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or a Movie.

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Posted: 1st, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)


Crocodile Shoe: British Tourists Eaten In Australia

ARTHUR Booker – “Tragic Arthur Booker” – is in the Australian outback on holiday. His wife Doris is sleeping.

He wakes early to check his crab pots on the bank of the Endeavour River.

He does not return. Doris awakens and finds the crab pot rope snapped, large crocodile slidemarks and the couple’s new video camera, Arthur’s watch and a single shoe.

Is this a John Stonehouse moment, we wonder?

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Posted: 1st, October 2008 | In: Strange But True, Tabloids | Comments (19)


Banker Aide: Britain Invests In Keeping China Sweet

BRITAIN gave China £38.6million in aid last year,” says the Sun. And that will stop, should the Tories get into power.

Says shadow international development secretary Andrew Mitchell, a man who proves that the longer the title the more insignificant the job:

“Many British taxpayers would be astonished to learn that we are still giving aid to China.”

The Sun says China is so rich it can spend more than £20bn on the Olympics and put a man in space.

Readers may care to recall that when landed, the Chinese astronauts were sat on Argos garden furniture and carried off by saluting removal men. It was more as the Victorians had landed in Guinea than evidence bleeding edge of technology and the future of mankind.

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Posted: 1st, October 2008 | In: Money, Politicians, Tabloids | Comment (1)


The Sun Makes Murder A Spectator Sport

THE Sun’s “major summit on crime” concludes that “killers should be stripped of human rights”.

To the Sun’s Broken Britain summit where the greedy (Cherie Blair), the gung-ho (“Top American cop” Bill Bratton) and the gray (Chris Grayling, the shadow works and pensions secretary) are chewing the fat with the grieving relatives of victims: former EastEnders actress Brooke Kinsella, whose brother was stabbed to death; and Marcia Shakespeare, whose daughter was murdered.

The Sun seems to have adopted the interviewing policy of its sister organ at Sky Sports, seeking the opinions of those still hot with endeavour and rage.

Reporter: “So Marcia, what do you think of your daughter being murdered? Disappointed to have lost a loved one in controversial circumstances?”

Victim: “The judiciary have made a mockery of it. What’s the point when that happens? They got away with murder out there today.”

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Posted: 1st, October 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Lottery Winner Buys UK Bank

IANTHE Fullager stuffed her winning lottery ticket down her bra. She is “BOOM AND BUST” (Sun), and being wooed by the banking sector.

Fullager of Fullager & Bingley Brothers now has more money than the entire banking sector combined, and as such a commands the Sun’s front page.

“I wanted to keep my ticket where I thought no-one would look for it,” says the 18-year-old, who may need to reconsider her hiding places give her new levels of attractiveness.

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Posted: 1st, October 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (13)


Tarnishing The Paul Newman Idol

PAUL Newman is dead, and the Mirror’s Sue Carroll salutes the “family man”.

Newman had six children, three from an early marriage that ended in divorce and three with actress Joanne Woodward, whom he married in 1958.

A two family man.

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Posted: 30th, September 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (19)


Red Tuesday: Banks Fall, The Experts’ Top Tips And Spending Is The New Saving

MORE news that no-one knows what’s going on in the money markets as the Sun screams: “BLACKEST DAY”. Or as the Mirror puts it: “BLACKEST MONDAY.”

Black Monday is the name given to Monday, October 19, 1987, when stock markets around the world crashed. Should not yesterday be “Blacker Monday”?

Readers may be confused. To be in the black means to be free of debt; it is in the red that suggests debt and poverty. The Sun’s headline should read: “REDDEST DAY.”

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Posted: 30th, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (24)


Jools Oliver Calls BOAST

JOOLS Oliver makes a call to Anorak’s Celebrity Baby Ordering And Star Treatment Service (BOAST)

“If I’m really honest, I’d like another girl,” – Jools Oliver, Mrs Jamiel Oliver, Sun

BOAST. Make the call now…

Myleene Klass And Norman Cook Call BOAST

Posted: 30th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)


Manchester City And Prince Harry In For Britney Spears Sex Tape

IT’S a Britney Spears sex tape.

Celebrity sex tape enthusiasts who want to see a mother-of-two having sex with an early-middle-aged Brummie can buy the goods for £5m.

What with the credit crunch, though, only the very few can afford to buy the tape, and it is believed it is being offered first to Manchester City, Prince Harry Baseball Cap and George Soros.

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Posted: 30th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment


Lily Allen Wears Shoes

LILY Allen news of the day: Brought to heel…

“Lily ditched her trainers for some killer heels and a sexy black and white dress” – Sun

More Lily Allen news tomorrow…

Image

Posted: 30th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (9)


Ant Rap: Ant Sues Ant And Dec

ANT Kalloniastis is suing Ant McPartlin to stop him using his name in the United States.

As the Sun reports, Ant K. is the host to f Celebrity Fit Club (US). He says he is losing work because he’s been mistaken for Ant P., who along with Declan Donnelly fronts the US show Wanna Bet?

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Posted: 30th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7)


Mick Jagger And The Adventures Of Molly Miller Mundy McCartney

MICK Jagger is said by the Mail to have been seen out in the company of 23-year aristo Molly Miller Mundy.

Miss Molly Miller Mundy is the son of Mark Miller Nundy, who tells us:

“I’m thrilled it’s Paul McCartney.”

If it were, she could marry him, and be Molly Miller Mundy McCartney.

So we take the point…

Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7)


Armed Courses: Sending The Troops Into Britain’s Schools

THE Conservatives have unveiled their “Troops For Teachers” scheme. “SEND IN ARMY TO SORT OUT SCHOOLS,” says the Express on its cover.

The Sun says servicemen and women “would be paid to re-train as teachers on leaving the forces in a bid to boost tough inner-city schools.”

Yeah, nothing like a few trained killers in the tuck shop to teach those cocky kebab shop knifers what’s what.

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Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (7)


Sock A Mum: Victoria Beckham Wears Gloves In Bed

VICTORIA Beckham goes to bed wearing socks and gloves.

This is not to best please Day-vid, who is building up to the day he gets his wife to wear a full balaclava and tuxedo in the bedroom, but to prevent her from ageing.

Says Vicky:

“I put really thick foot lotion on with socks before I go to sleep. I also use thick hand cream with gloves at the same time.”

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Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)


Soldier Ant: Ant And Dec Fight In Afghanistan

DECLAN Donnelly and Ant McPartlin are in Afghanistan.

While the enemy has boy soldiers, we have soldiers who look like toddlers. The Mirror leads with news that both are under attack.

The tots are in the war zone on the pretext of presenting our squaddies with Daily Mirror Pride of Britain awards, plastic medallions featuring the faces of EastEnders Mitchell brothers and the legend: “REAL NEWS… REAL ENTERTAINMENT, 40p.”

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Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)


Spotting Paedophiles In McDonald’s

“SEX offenders are being allowed trips to McDonald’s,” says the Star.

“Health bosses at a secure hospital are worried about breaching human rights.” Well, in that case don’t take them to the home of the international murder burger.

But too late.

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Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4)


Jade Goody’s Epithet Of The Day

JADE Goody epithet of the day:

“BATTLING Jade Goody looks deep in thought yesterday as she prepares for another cancer fight” – Sun

More on Battling Jade to follow…

Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)


Back To Celebrity School With Peaches Geldof

THE headline “PEACHES: SPEND NIGHT WITH ME FOR £5K,” may bring readers to the conclusion that desperate Peaches Geldof is working as a good time girl.

It turns out that Peaches is being paid to attend “A list parties”.

So says the Star. But Anorak wonders if an A-list party needs a D-list starlet? And if the A-list party treasury committee have heard of the EU Celebrity Mountain and that you can hire a jobbing celeb for the whiff of a flashbulb and a pint of creme de menthe.

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Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)


Chanelle Hayes Exposes Omar Bakri’s Plot For Jihad In The Pole Dancing Club

DAYS on from news that mad mullah Omar Bakri paid for his daughter’s boob job and the plan to bring jihad to the country’s gentlemen’s clubs is curtailed.

The Star brings the front-page news that Chanelle Hayes will NOT be having her chest enlarged.

The Big Brother strumpet has made her decision in response to a Star reader’s poll. Tough on the War On Terror, and as patriotic as the next scaffolder, Star readers are turning their backs on artificial breasts, staring Islamofascism in the chest and saying “No”.

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Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)


Paul Newman Is Dead But There Are Icons Aplenty

PAUL Newman is dead. And the Daily Express’s Robert Gore-Langton asks: “WHERE HAVE ALL THE ICONS GONE?”

A trawl through the paper’s website reveals that they have gone into the huge file maked “Icon”:

Tonight sees the 90th birthday celebrations of one of the world’s most iconic and influential figures – Nelson Mandela.

SHE is the undisputed fashion icon of her generation – Kate Moss

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Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)


Madeleine McCann: Our Danny Baldwin And Using Maddie For PR

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

NEW ZEALAND HERALD: “TV Review: Out of the treacle comes trouble for everyone”

If anyone has wondered whatever happened to Coro’s cheeky cockney Danny Baldwin (Bradley Walsh), who went missing from the soap not long ago, here he is…

Where’s Our Danny?

“…playing a cheeky cockney in the missing-child drama Torn, which started on TV One last night.”

Any good?

When Torn screened in Britain a year ago, there was some debate over its merits because of the Madeleine McCann case.

With or without Our Maddie, it was dire… “it was like wading through treacle… Or like running up and down a beach in thick sand.”

PC WORLD (online): “Bungie accused of using Madeleine McCann case to promote Halo – ‘Maddie, where are you?’”

PC World… Isn’t that where Gary Glitter took his hard drive to?

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Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (112)


Nigel Lawson’s Law: All Fat Peopel Want To Look Rich

NIGELLA Lawson would like to tell Mail readers about her husband Charles Saatchi’s “nine eggs a day diet.”

In an exclusive interview with The Mail on Sunday’s You magazine today, 48-year-old Ms Lawson says her husband’s ‘completely mad eggs, eggs and more eggs diet’ now means that he is thinner than her.

Anorak recalls how former chancellor of the Exchequer Nigel Lawson, the masculine singular root of Nigella, also lost a shed load of weight.

It seems odd that the two males most associated with Nigella both now resemble the Christmas turkey that got away.

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Posted: 28th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)


Paul Routledge Can Rejoice As Credit Crunch Banker Tops Himself

“CREDIT CRUNCH BANKER KILLS HIMSELF,” screams the Daily Mail’s front-page headline.

Kirk Stephenson, who was married with an eight-year-old son, died in the path of a 100mph express train at Taplow railway station, Berkshire. Mr Stephenson is believed to have taken his own life after succumbing to mounting personal pressures as the world’s financial markets went into meltdown.

Believed by whom, is not said. But at least one man is happy: Paul Routledge can rejoice:

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Posted: 28th, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (9)


Prince Edward Finds Work On Queen’s New Jet

ONE day on from the Daily Star’s shocker:

“The Queen is skint and will run out of cash in just three years time..The news follows Playboy boss Hugh Hefner laying off his bunnies”

And the Sun leads with:

“AIR FORCE ONE – Queen to buy £7milion private jet – Her Majesty, who currently shares the use of VIP flights with Government ministers and military chiefs, has taken a close personal interest in the new jet’s design.”

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Posted: 27th, September 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (8)


Daily Mail, Daily Wail: Drinking Cat Piss

THE Daily Mail searches horro stories, medical reports and research notes for news, and finally its quest bears dividends:

Wine taste funny? It may contain cat litter… Malcolm Gluck reveals the unpalatable truth about the wine industry

Although licking the litter tray is all the rage in France…

Posted: 27th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (18)