Anorak

Tabloids | Anorak - Part 40

Tabloids Category

The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.

The Idiots Guide To The Lehman Brothers

LEHMAN Brothers bank collapses, proof that capitalism works and you’re never to big to go under.

Big news, then. But the red-tops have a problem: they need to make their readers understand what Lehman Brothers was. They do this by finding an easy point of reference and talking down to them in words of one syllable or fewer.

THE SUN (front page): “CRASH – BANG – WALLOP”

Jobs have been lost. Lehman’s hasn’t half a sixpence to its name. But what does it man? Well:

“Manchester Utd sponsor AIG could be next.”

That’s right. Man United fans might be forced to buy a new shirt. And with the season but a few weeks old. For shame!

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Posted: 16th, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (8)


Was Mark Saunders Murdered By The Police?

MARK Saunders has gun. Mark Saunders is alone. A call to the police. Police come. There have been shots fired.

Mark Saunders has been drinking. Mark Saunders is divorce lawyer. Mark Saunders has been rowing with his wife.

Mark Saunders lives in a £2.2million flat in West London. Police arrive and shoot Mark Saunders in the brain, heart and liver. Officers hurl gas grenades into Mark Saunders’ fat and go in.

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Posted: 15th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (9)


British College Bans Easter And Christmas

CHRISTMAS is… banned. Easter… The bunny is dead. Sarah Palin got it.

BOSSES at Yorkshire Coast College have removed the words Christmas and Easter from their calendar so as not to cause offence to ethnic minorities or religious groups.

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Posted: 15th, September 2008 | In: Strange But True, Tabloids | Comments (17)


The Big Brother Cocaine Wrap Party

MORE front-page news on Rex Newmark, the boy whose daddy bought him Big Brother.

The Star says Nomark was surrounded by a “blizzard of drugs” after the show ended.

Well, they don’t call it a wrap party for nothing (geddit?)…

Posted: 15th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)


Amy Winehouse Missing From Amy Winehouse Story

IT’S Amy Winehouse’s 25th birthday party and all the usual faces are at London’s Jazz After Dark club, save one: Amy Winehouse is at home.

What she up to, then? Says a “pal” in the Sun:

“Amy was standing in front of the mirror telling everyone how rough she looked …She kept saying she was ugly…”

Reports of Winehouse’s drug taking are the stuff of record, and Anorak invites its resident expert, Matt The Talc, to advise us against looking down at mirror’s as they can distort the concept of yourself.

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Posted: 15th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (13)


Sarah Palin Watch: Britain’s View Of Sarah Palin

SARAH Palin Watch: Anorak’s look at Sarah Palin in the news…

THE SUN: “I taught Sarah to shoot and butcher a moose…the boys in Washington won’t scare her.”

Sarah’s dad Chuck Heath shot a grizzly bear three years ago and its skin adorns a sofa in Sarah’s office. Now she is in the political bear pit after accepting the Republican Vice-Presidential nomination.

Kill it. Skin it. Decorate with it. Says Chuck:

“She started shooting a gun when she was eight and shot her first animal when she was ten. It was something small, possibly a rabbit.”

Every child wants a pet…

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Posted: 15th, September 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (7)


Jade Goody’s Bicycle Tour And Bombshell News

JADE Goody ‘the Hoody’ appears on the Sun’s front page to tell readers about her “NEW HOPE”.

Jade says that since her hysterectomy she thinks doctors are wicked and wants to team up with Dr Grame Garden and Tim Brooke-Taylor and cycle round the country promoting Goody news and Goody tidings.

Before that, though, “BRAVE” Jade Goody is pictured crying while the paper’s Colin Robertson tells readers that “one of the biggest upsets in her cancer battle is facing up to the fact that she will never have a daughter.”

No little Jade. For shame!

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Posted: 15th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (8)


Celebrity News Of The Day: Vernon Kaye Is Not Dead:

GORDON Smart, the celebrity hack styled to look like a suburban estate agent – thus combining two despised professions in one body – brings news that Vernon Kaye is not dead.

Smart says a “sad act with nothing better to do” wrote on tall TV presenter Kaye’s Wikipedia page of a tragic accident. Ah, Wikiepdia, where celebrity journalits look to for news.

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Posted: 15th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)


Madeleine McCann: Let’s Investigate Kate McCann’s Pain

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

Kate McCann’s Diary extracts are published. Now read on…

DAILY EXPRESS: “HEARTBREAK DIARY REVEALS KATE’S ANGER AND DESPAIR”

In one heartbreaking entry Kate writes: “Can’t stop thinking about Madeleine, about her fear and pain. How can I go on knowing that her life could have ended like this? This week I have been quite overtaken by black thoughts. Please God, bring her back.”

Can’t stop writing about Madeleine… What says the “WORLD’S GREATEST NEWSPAPER”?

Last night experts said Kate’s emotions read like those of a bereaved mother.

Can’t pull the wool over the Express’ experts…

Chartered psychologist Dr Rick Norris said: “The diary shows she is an intelligent woman who is able to articulate her feelings on paper.”

Get a load of that spelling…

“This is a horrible situation – every parent’s worst nightmare.”

So says the expert reading from the big tabloid book of expert quotes.

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Posted: 15th, September 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (174)


Lancashire Mafia Wants Gordon Brown Out

“LANCASHIRE MAFIA SPRING HIT ON BROWN,” says the Mail on Sunday’s front page.

No, no Gordon Brown’s not got his own death cult. He’s not that exciting. It’s just the tabloids love to talk of Mafia when MPs are revolting: Tafia (Welsh MPs), Rafia (Ex-forces MPs), Fifafia (Football mad MPs), Dafia (Duck-faced Mps), Jafia (MPs Biscuit and Snacks Select Committee) and so on…

So here’s the Lancashire mafia. “Ta-ra-luv,” say the Lancashire mafia as they dispatch their mark with a rogue Eccles cake.

And the Laffia the are getting rid of the capo, wher is Jack Straw, MP for Blackburn, Lancashire:

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Posted: 14th, September 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (7)


Cheryl Cole Calls The Celebrity Baby Ordering Service

THE People advertise the news that Cheryl Cole, of the Chelsea Coles says: “I want a baby with Ashley next year.

Well, what’s one more, alleged puking, diamond-pooing little darling? But before the world can welcome into its bosom anther Ashley Cole, Cheryl needs to call Anorak’s Celebrity Baby Ordering Service.

Says Cheryl: “I want to start working on that baby.”

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Posted: 14th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)


Omar Bakri Beats The Drum For Paul McCartney In Israel

“SIR PAUL TERROR TARGET,” screams the – Sunday Express, a shocker illustrated by shot of Sir Paul McCartney caught in the crosshairs.

Thankfully, Sir Paul is reputed for his famous head wobble and there is every chance would-be assassin will need at least a dozen shots to even clip an ear on former Beatle’s tussled head.

Which gives us time to discover the identity of the killer. No, not Heather Mills. No, not Yoko Ono. It’s… Omar Bakri. Yeah, the mad mullah, the Tottenham Taliban, the owner of a green Ford Galaxy and some NHS prescription glasses.

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Posted: 14th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (21)


Madeleine McCann: Inside Kate McCann’s Diary, The Care Blairs And Algarve Paedos

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

NEWS OF THE WORLD (front page): “Kate’s Diary”

Here’s the news you’ve been waiting for. Here are selected extracts from Kate McCanns’ diary that was leaked on July 28, 2008. It is now September and the NOTW has the, er, scoop.

“For the first time the heartbreaking TRUTH that destroys the lies of Portuguese police.”

Maddie… Maddie who? We’re watching the parents. If only the Cuddle Cat could talk – perhaps a tabloid writer could get inside the mind of the Cuddle Cat and tell us what really happened? It could be worth millions– like those diaries.

“PLEASE GOD IS SHE DEAD? – Read Kate McCann’s diary”

Isn’t it rude to read someone else’s diary? We don’t wish to pry…

Kate wrote: “I can’t bear being without Madeleine. It’s like torture— a slow painful death.”

Hearing the parents…

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Posted: 14th, September 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (224)


Paul Gascoigne’s Last Words And Testament

PAUL Gascoigne is unwell. And rumours of his impeding death are exaggerated.

As the Star leads: “GAZZA LEAVE ME ALONE TO DIE.”

At once we see a mental image of Paul Gascoigne lying on his death bed, his head raised as a team of men in white try to squirt a jet of elixir into his flapping maw.

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Posted: 13th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (5)


Madeline McCann: Seeking Andrew Gosden, Not Denise Pipitone And Demonising Gypsies

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

THE TIMES: “One year on, missing Andrew Gosden is still a blank space in family’s heart”

Andrew Godsen is missing. He ran away form home one year ago. He was 14. Watch the parents…

As with the parents of Madeleine McCann, the Gosdens are leading a life suspended. Unlike the McCanns, they have not done so in a blaze of global publicity and suspicion. Mr Gosden said that he and his wife felt “deeply, deeply sorry” for Gerry and Kate McCann and suspected that the two families “have an awful lot in common”, in all but one respect.

Andrew Godsen ran away. Did Madeleine McCann?

“You get a lot of press if your child is little, blonde and female, but it hurts just as much when you’re missing a teenage son.”

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Posted: 13th, September 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (306)


Murderers Wear Horror Masks And Blood To Aid Detection

IN “MONSTER’S BALL”, the Sun leads with news of “the sickest jail knees-up ever”. Eat your shepherd’s pie heart out, Jeffrey Archer.

This is “a horror-themed party for some of Britain’s most evil killers.”

Readers see a picture of the women of Holloway Prison’s Life Sentence Unit dressed as ghouls and vampires and monsters and devils and Noel Edmonds and more.

It’s the “slammer house of horror”, £500 Halloween party last year. The Sun calls the image “chilling”.

But it’s not.

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Posted: 12th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)


Danielle Lloyd Is Engaged To DJ Ironik’s PR

DANIELLE Lloyd is the Star’s strumpet-in-residence. And ever when there is no news about our Dani, and she’s between chests, you can create some copy.

Here’s the latest news on Dani’s associate DJ Ironick, to whom she is engaged.

The former Celebrity Big Brother contestant quietly began dating DJ Ironik just months ago and the pair wasted no time getting engaged – Daily Mail

Then:

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Posted: 12th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)


Gordon Smart’s Celebrity Pies

GORDON Smart is the Sun’s celebrity PR-in-residence. Says Smart:

“Pies are the new sushi, if you ask me”

More celebrity puff pastries tomorrow…

Posted: 12th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)


Cock-Knees Up: Thieves Strike At Guy Richie’s Birthday Bash

COR luve a hound, Guv’nor, wots all this abaht Guy Richie’s birthday party?

The Star says that while the Mockney one was engaged in an East End sing-song with friends, thieves struck at a neighbouring telephone exchange.

No more details are listed, and it thought that the coffee leaves had it on their plates of foie gras with a few phone books and some stamps.

But are the two incidents connected? Says the Star:

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Posted: 12th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment


No Point To The Big Brother Lust Triangle

PSST! Wanna see a short, sarcastic ginger bloke having sex with a drippy assisted blonde who likes to moan?

Stay tuned then, because the Star’s font page threatens: “BIG BROTHER REX’S SECRET SEX TAPE.”

Readers learn that viewers will soon be able to see “ALL” of the action that Big Brother cut from the show.

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Posted: 12th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (5)


International Madeleine McCann: And Eye For Denise Pipitone And Finding Rose Pizem

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

DAILY TELEGRAPH: “Italy’s Madeleine McCann ‘found safe and well after four years’”

Italy has it’s own Maddie. Like Isreal? Are we working throught alphabet? If so, look out Jamaica…

Urgent DNA tests are being carried out on the eight year old girl found in Greece to see if she is Denise Pipitone, who vanished in 2004. She missing from outside her grandmother’s house while playing.

And?

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Posted: 12th, September 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (474)


Daily Mail, Daily Wail: Women Should Be Afraid

THE Daily Mail searches horro stories, medical reports and research notes for news, and finally its quest bears dividends:

WHY women have the scariest nightmares”

Well, in today’s Mail:

  • Woman executive ‘strangled in office by former colleague’
  • Midwife shortage is ‘forcing women to risk their lives in dangerous DIY home births’
  • Doomed by mum’s diet: Calorie- cutting during pregnancy ‘puts your baby at risk of obesity in later life’

And many, many more…

Posted: 11th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Amy Winehouse Finds Demons In The Farmhouse

AMY Winehouse is going to “battle her demons” in a “secret country retreat”.

Of course, the countryside is where demons live and the real fear is that Londoner Farmhouse, story, Winehouse, will merely be exchanging her old demons for new ones called Seth.

To prevent Winehouse from making a terrible move, the Sun gives clues to the secret hideaway in the hope that someone will gazump our Amy.

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Posted: 11th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Money, Tabloids | Comments (3)


Daily Express To Be Edited By Robots

THE Daily Express and Sunday Express move one step closer to being written and edited by monkeys.

News is that subs are being sacked in favour of a new editorial system called Woodwing.

In a letter to the downtrodden, group managing editor Ian Parrott (all his own words) says the system will allow the paper to “revolutionise the way pages are written and edited and therefore reduce costs”.

(Image: Beau Bo D’Or Website)

He goes on to blame that ever-present excuse: my dog ate it, Miss. No, it’s the credit crunch, dummy:

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Posted: 11th, September 2008 | In: Money, Photojournalism, Tabloids | Comments (4)


Jennifer Ellison Puts Her Backs Into Her New Title

JENNIFER Ellison is the Rear of the Year.

Who knew that after years of pushing her chest into lad’s mags and red-top newspapers, it would be the back of the blonde former soap actress we’d love best?

Knickers off to our Jen.

But there is controversy: Who voted for Ellison’s backside, when no-one has ever seen it..?

Posted: 11th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)