Anorak

Tabloids | Anorak - Part 40

Tabloids Category

The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.

Amy Winehouse Is Sick On Harvey Nichols

HARVEY Nichols loaned Amy Winehouse £25,000-worth of clothes. And the store got it all back. As the Mirror notes:

“She ended up in the loos, where she was violently sick. She eventually couriered them back on Monday, but didn’t wrap them separately. So sick had gone on all the clothes.”

“Even worse, green, furry mould had developed on some gowns, making them unwearable. The store has now asked for its £25k back.”

Of course, this might be the start of a new fashion. Ashley Cole has been notified….

Posted: 25th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)


McCartney Plays Israel And The Super Furry Animals Die

PAUL McCartney is to play Israel, and the suicide bomber will try to hit a moving target as Macca’s head wobbles this way and that.

“We have worked it out,” says the Indy’s front page

All you need is 5,000 bodyguards – £1.5million security blitz to protect Macca from security threats,” says the Mirror, in words that Yasser Arafat look-alike Ringo Starr would put to music.

But what if… what if Macca is killed?

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Posted: 25th, September 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)


Javine Hylton Summons The Celebrity Police Force

JAVINE HYLTON has been arrested by the Celebrity Police Force, reports the Sun.

Javine was arrested after, allegedly, “leaving a foul-mouthed voicemail for her ex-manager”.

Readers may believe that obscene phone calls are Javine’s new work, her singing career having hit the skids since the halcyon days of failing to get a place in Girls Aloud and flashing a nipple (hers) on Eurovision.

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Posted: 25th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)


On The Sofa With Jordan’s Off-Cuts

CHANTELLE Houghton is a Big Brother housemate emeritus.

And now the Big Brother fanzine known as the Daily Star brings front-page news: “MY MARRIAGE WAS A BIG BROTHER FAKE.”

Chantelle, a woman comprised of Jordan’s rendered off-cuts – bits of Jordan are pressed together and piled onto Chanelle in the manner of chicken fillets onto a shish kebab – is on the telly with Piers Morgan in his show The Dark Side Of Fame.

Says she:

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Posted: 25th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7)


Madeleine McCann Not A Victim Of The Credit Crunch

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

STOCKPORT EXPRESS: “WHAT Credit crunch”

Can the credit crunch be linked to Madeleine McCann? It’s been tried before.

DESPITE the credit crunch, one or two businessmen and woman are doing well enough to make it onto Stockport’s rich list, according to a recent publication.

Stockport’s rich list is required reading in the area’s golf clubs and jails…

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Posted: 25th, September 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (242)


At Home With Gordon Brown And His Props

OLD MRS Anorak The IV would like to tell all Anorak readers that her husband is a brilliant man and though not a celebrity, he is a good egg and blessed with the stamina of a Latvian fighting cock.

Like Gordon Brown, the non-celebrity who tells the Mail:

“The boys are our lives. They are just an amazing gift, and, when John was born, it was such an exciting occasion. To know he was healthy was incredibly important.”

Because as Gordon says: “My children aren’t props: they’re people.”

Posted: 24th, September 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (6)


Culling Time: Big Brother’s Jen Promises To Kill Sara

ANORAK calculates that there are still five more permutations for Big Brother housemates to work: Sara has yet to shag Jen, who has yet to shag Mo, who has yet to shag Steph, who has yet to shag Mario who has yet to be admitted to The Priory.

Today the Star reports that Sara has been involved in “girlie romps” with Jen.

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Posted: 24th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment


Who’s Saari Now: The 12th Rule Of Tabloid Journalism

THE 12th Rule of Tabloid Journalism states:

“Each and any incident that can be linked to a website on the internet must be. If victim or perpetrator of crime or deed has a social networking account it should be mentioned at all times, preferably in the headline. The inference should be that the web was the trigger to the action.”

Example:

Matti Saari, 22, shoots and kills 10 people at a school in Kauhajoki, western Finland. He had posted online videos of himself at a gun range. He killed himself.

Headlines:

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Posted: 24th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)


Robbie Williams Catches Big Foot

IN “ROBBIE GOES APE”, Daily Star readers are told that Robbie Williams has emerged from a “12-week exile dressed in a gorilla suit”.

Further in, and the suit is billed as that of a “gibbon”; although both beasts do allow the Star the chance to say that Williams has gone “bananas”.

There’s the pun: there’s the news story. There’s the call from Peta.

But…

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Posted: 24th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)


Princess Diana On A Horse And The Elephant In The Room

IT’S her. It’s Princess Diana on the front-page of the Express. Today Diana is wearing a pearl chocker, pearl earrings and a lilac collar.

This is Diana’s letter-writing outfit du jour. And the Express has peeked at her “revealing letters to nanny”.

“HOW DIANA CONFESSED IN LETTERS: WHEN I DANCE I LOOK LIKE AN ELEPHANT.”

Is that an elephant dancing, or just an elephant in a sequined dress and heels? And when did Diana see either vision, at a party, perhaps, for Prince Edward’s 21st?

Nanny is Mary Clarke, who is selling off her Diana Letters to the highest bidder. The letters are nothing short of sensational.

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Posted: 23rd, September 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment


Credit Crunch: Sue Carroll Is Down There With The Have Nots

SUE Carroll, the Mirror’s well-paid blonde, white columnist is considering the credit crunch, and hits upon the idea that when money is tight the poor suffer.

In “It’s Britain’s poor who are really feeling the credit crunch”, Carrol opines:

As a nation we’re feeling stressed, physically under par and tired. I get that.

Adding:

There’s nothing more repellent than listening to the haves pretending they’re down there with the have-nots.

Yeah. That is just so pathetic…

Posted: 23rd, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (4)


Chip Shape Victoria Beckham Calls The Baby Ordering Service

“I’M not even trying to get pregnant at the moment,” says Victoria Beckham, batting off advances from the Sun’s Victoria Newton and a loaded turkey baster.

Instead Her Poshness wants to make use of the Celebrity Baby Ordering Service, the Anorak agency that logs all demands for babies from our elite stars.

Says Posh:

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Posted: 23rd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (14)


The Madeleine McCann Christian Prayer Circle Says God Took Her

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

CHRISTIANITY TODAY: “Christians pray for missing Madeleine”

Christians around the world joined in prayer on Friday for the safe return of missing Madeleine McCann and the release of all children held by criminal networks.

Do the Christians know what happened to Madeleine, then?

The worldwide day of prayer was organised by the Madeleine Prayer Circle.

Join hands…

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Posted: 23rd, September 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (225)


Schoolboys Encouraged To Get Back To Nature

“SOMETHING is not right when a boy can’t sit down and watch a nature documentary on TV because he is to busy doing maths.”

Or doing Countdown, as it is known in the parlance of the modern school.

Gary James, deputy head of the Tiffin boys school, puts into words what millions of us have long thought.

Year 7 is a haven for boys aged between 11 and 12, and if they can’t watch two dung beatles copulating on a pile of donkey excreta, then what is education all about?

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Posted: 22nd, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (6)


Lily Allen’s Key II

LILY Allen News Of The Day: Lily’s keys II

Lily Allen managed to keep a Smile on her face after locking herself out of her new North London home – Gordon Smart, The Sun

More Lily Allen news tomorrow…

Posted: 22nd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Money, Tabloids | Comments (6)


Credit Crunch: The Baby Boom And Bust

CREDIT Crunch news of the day: “BED-IT CRUNCH”

BRITAIN is heading for a baby boom as the credit crunch is forcing couples to entertain themselves at home. People have limited cash to splash at pubs and restaurants so are spending more time in the bedroom.

Sales of maternity clothes rose by nearly half last week, says the Sun:

But it’s no free ride:

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Posted: 22nd, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (2)


Victoria Beckham Runs On Chips

SUN readers can learn today why Victoria Beckham has “finally started to smile”.

Beneath a picture of Her Poshness, the Sun’s other front-page story is: “DAD KILLS TWO TOTS”. We wonder if these exclusives are linked and Posh has developed a darker, meaner character?

Inside the paper, we learn that Posh is happy because: “I’m eating more, I run 4 miles a day and I shop less.”

If she ran to the shops, Sticky Vicky could combine her twin passions and not be so hard on herself? Better yet, if Posh were to have her keep-fit trainer run just ahead of her trailing a hearty rice cake and a mirror?

And why else is Vicky smiling-ish?

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Posted: 22nd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (15)


Credit Crunch: Heroin Dealers Make Rasher For It

CREDIT Crunch news of the day:

“SHOPLIFTERS ARE GETTING RASHER – Bacon is stolen to order”.

It’s the CREDIT BRUNCH, reports the Star, albeit missing the pun.

To a boarding house in Burnley, where the breakfast menu is being perused…

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Posted: 22nd, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (3)


Strychnine Come Dancing: Jessie Wallace Declares War

JESSIE Wallace “EXPLODES”.

With Big Brother at an end, the Daily Star mans the news wires and looks elsewhere for news.

And it finds the sensation that Jessie Wallace, the former EastEnder starring as a trainer dancer on Strictly Come Dancing, has called model Jodie Kidd a “horse” and actress Cherie Lunghi a “snob”.

And when Jessie Wallace explodes, you’d best duck lest a sequin take an eye out. This is “war”.

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Posted: 22nd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (5)


Lily Allen’s Camper Keys

LILY Allen News Of The Day: Lily’s keys

So we weren’t surprised to see this snap of Lily, 23, laughing her wellies off after dad Keith locked his car keys inside his camper” – Daily Star, Goss Girls

More Lily Allen news tomorrow…

Posted: 22nd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)


Madeleine McCann: The News Of The World’s Sorry Apology For Tabloid Reporting

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

HAVING read “the heartbreaking TRUTH that destroys the lies of Portuguese police”, the oh-so-caring News of The World tells its readers:

“We today offer Kate our immediate and sincere apologies.”

No need, surely..?

The News of the World only published extracts from Kate McCann’s private diary because it cares. It wants to help. It has investigated the case of her daughter’s vanishing and found that the Portuguese police are bungling and to blame.

Yeah, those sicko coppers like Goncalo Amaral who seek to profit from the McCanns agony by publishing books. Not sure how much Amaral’s book costs, but the NOTW is under a pound.

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Posted: 22nd, September 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (353)


Brave Jade Goody Is Sobbing

“I’M IN pain but I won’t tell my boys,” says Jade Goody in the news of the World.

Better, perhaps, Jade’s little pork balls read it themselves, or learn it from one of their classmates whose mum or dad reads the NOTW.

As ever celebrity cancer-victim Jade Goody has an epithet. Having been, “Crack” Jade Goody, “BRAVE Jade Goody,” and “WEEPING Jade Goody”, she now appears as “SOBBING Jade Goody”.

Jade has enjoyed a type of fame for some years now but still the papers resist calling her “TROUBLED Jade Goody”. How she has tried to attain the ultimate qualifier, but it stubbornly remains the preserve of for A-listed like Britney Spears and Amy Winehouse.

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Posted: 21st, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)


The Greatest Non-Sequitur Of The Decade

HEADLINES like “WE‘RE ALL F***ED” (all papers) might have led readers to believe that the world’s economy was in freefall and we were all doomed to rearing turnips as a source of fuel, housing and good, clean, honest fun.

Now the Times says we’ve been to “Hell and back”. The Express leads with “SHARE BOOM SENSATION”. “The panic is over…possibly,” says the Independent. And the Sun commands readers to “FILL YOUR BOOTS”.

We’ve never had it so good.

(Image: Beau Bo D’Or Website)

And that goes for Gordon Brown, too, who is the recipient of the Guardian’s non-sequitur of the decade: “After the crash, a record bounce – and Brown fightback begins.”

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Posted: 20th, September 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Money, Tabloids | Comments (2)


Lap Dancing For Puritans

SAYS the Mail: “Pole dancing club licensed to open at site where Mayflower set sail… what would the Puritans have said?”

Well, considering they were leaving for the US, perhaps “Goodbye”, or “phwoarr!”..?

Posted: 19th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (13)


The Paedo King Of London’s East End

THE Paedo King is upon us. He’s a new kind of paedo Leader. That; him in the picture, the star of the BBC’s fly-on-the soap EastEnders documentary.

People are up in arms. Or at least a person is: “Viewer fury over Enders paedo plot,” says the Sun.

The row comes as it was revealed actor Chris Coghill, 34, is under 24-hour police protection over fears he will be attacked for playing paedo King

Says the paedo king:

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Posted: 19th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)