Anorak

Tabloids | Anorak - Part 40

Tabloids Category

The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.

Daily Mail On Cheap And Lazy Rehashes

SAYS RICHARD Littlejohn in The Daily Mail:

And finally, ITV says it will have to drop local news bulletins. It can’t afford its ‘public service’ commitments. Frankly, regional news on both BBC and ITV is a disgrace – consisting of on-the-cheap, lazy rehashes of stories nicked out of the newspapers…

Whereas the Daily Mail creates cheap and lazy rehashes of stories from foreign newspapers and the telly. In today’s organ:

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Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Eye-Eye: Madeleine McCann, Robert Murat And Gordon Brown In The Frames

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

INVERNESS COURIER: “Media is write stuff for latest Burn tale”

Caroline Flynn is at the Inverness Book Festival. And “Gordon Burn has assembled a cast of familiar faces for his latest — and perhaps final — novel.”

His last novel. Well, it will be hard to top…

Tony Blair, Gordon Brown, Madeline McCann [sic] and John Smeaton all feature in a book set in the busy summer of 2007. But it is not the characters or the plot which form the core of “Born Yesterday”.

Sounds great. God. Politics. Maddie. Terror. Go on:

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Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (45)


Lily Allen Wears A Necklace

LILY Allen News Of The Day: Lily’s Uzi Scuzi

Singer Lily Allen scored more than a fashion own goal, when she was seen wearing a gold necklace with an Uzi machine gun pendant hanging from it Daily Mail

More Lily Allen news tomorrow…

Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (17)


The Rosie Fingered Dawn Of Soapy Porn

“And over on ITV, Corrie turns more tawdry than ever,” says the Daily Mail, a fact illustrated by picture of Corrie’s 18-year-old slapper Rosie Webster in her bustier.

It is not the first time Coronation Street has gone for a shock effect using the Rosie Webster character. She was just 17 when scriptwriters cast her last year as a Lolita-style seductress having a sordid affair with her tutor.

How old was he, then? Just for, er, interest’s sake?

Mail readers clack their marmalade-coated tongues and fire off a foamy email:

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Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (5)


Journalism Is Dead In Melbourne

VIA Tim Blair, news from Melbourne:

Journalism skills are hardly rocket science and can be acquired with experience and a little training,” writes Antony Loewenstein in Melbourne’s Age. Being deficient in both areas, the paper spells his name as “Lowenstein”.

Beyond parody…

Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)


UK Is A Vegetative State

CREDIT Crunch news of the day: A turnip for the books…

“The humble turnip is helping crash-strapped UK families take the credit crunch out of the credit crisis”- Sun

Ours is a vegetative state…

Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (5)


Headline Of The Day: Car Not Stolen In Liverpool

LIVERPOOL cannot forgive the Sun. The paper’s coverage of the 1989 Hillsborough football stadium disaster in Sheffield, where 96 people died and hundreds were injured, followed the headline: “THE TRUTH”.

The paper said fans had picked the pockets of crushed victims, that others urinated on members of the emergency services as they tried to help. They had assaulted a Police Constable “whilst he was administering the kiss of life to a patient” (19 April 1989).

Now it says:

“Man united legends’ car NOT nicked in Liverpool”

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Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)


Spice Girl Mel B Auctions Off Her Former Selves

“I HOPE that people have fun bidding for piece of me,” says Mel C, the former Spice Girl and Carol Jackson acolyte.

Old Mr Anorak has always quote fancied Mel’s left bosom as a novelty soap dispenser.

And he and you can bid for that and more. Also up for sale is “the designer frock she wore when she met Nelson Mandela.”

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Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment


Cheryl Cole Can More Than She’s Cried

“I CAN’T CRY ANY MORE THAN I’VE CRIED,” says Cheryl Cole in OK! magazine.

“SOBBING CHERYL’S AXE FACTOR,” announces the Star’s cover page. “She’s told: Stop all that snivelling or you’re out.”

Cheryl can cry when teh job demands it.

As a judge on the X Factor talent show, Cheryl and has correctly realised that the point of the thing is to reveal the judges to be caring, sensitive, talented people who can cry as some sad sack with adult acne/ a poorly mum/ starving brown bay-bies sings a version of a Bette Midler song.

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Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)


Amy Winehouse Is Sick On Harvey Nichols

HARVEY Nichols loaned Amy Winehouse £25,000-worth of clothes. And the store got it all back. As the Mirror notes:

“She ended up in the loos, where she was violently sick. She eventually couriered them back on Monday, but didn’t wrap them separately. So sick had gone on all the clothes.”

“Even worse, green, furry mould had developed on some gowns, making them unwearable. The store has now asked for its £25k back.”

Of course, this might be the start of a new fashion. Ashley Cole has been notified….

Posted: 25th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)


McCartney Plays Israel And The Super Furry Animals Die

PAUL McCartney is to play Israel, and the suicide bomber will try to hit a moving target as Macca’s head wobbles this way and that.

“We have worked it out,” says the Indy’s front page

All you need is 5,000 bodyguards – £1.5million security blitz to protect Macca from security threats,” says the Mirror, in words that Yasser Arafat look-alike Ringo Starr would put to music.

But what if… what if Macca is killed?

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Posted: 25th, September 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)


Javine Hylton Summons The Celebrity Police Force

JAVINE HYLTON has been arrested by the Celebrity Police Force, reports the Sun.

Javine was arrested after, allegedly, “leaving a foul-mouthed voicemail for her ex-manager”.

Readers may believe that obscene phone calls are Javine’s new work, her singing career having hit the skids since the halcyon days of failing to get a place in Girls Aloud and flashing a nipple (hers) on Eurovision.

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Posted: 25th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)


On The Sofa With Jordan’s Off-Cuts

CHANTELLE Houghton is a Big Brother housemate emeritus.

And now the Big Brother fanzine known as the Daily Star brings front-page news: “MY MARRIAGE WAS A BIG BROTHER FAKE.”

Chantelle, a woman comprised of Jordan’s rendered off-cuts – bits of Jordan are pressed together and piled onto Chanelle in the manner of chicken fillets onto a shish kebab – is on the telly with Piers Morgan in his show The Dark Side Of Fame.

Says she:

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Posted: 25th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7)


Madeleine McCann Not A Victim Of The Credit Crunch

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

STOCKPORT EXPRESS: “WHAT Credit crunch”

Can the credit crunch be linked to Madeleine McCann? It’s been tried before.

DESPITE the credit crunch, one or two businessmen and woman are doing well enough to make it onto Stockport’s rich list, according to a recent publication.

Stockport’s rich list is required reading in the area’s golf clubs and jails…

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Posted: 25th, September 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (242)


At Home With Gordon Brown And His Props

OLD MRS Anorak The IV would like to tell all Anorak readers that her husband is a brilliant man and though not a celebrity, he is a good egg and blessed with the stamina of a Latvian fighting cock.

Like Gordon Brown, the non-celebrity who tells the Mail:

“The boys are our lives. They are just an amazing gift, and, when John was born, it was such an exciting occasion. To know he was healthy was incredibly important.”

Because as Gordon says: “My children aren’t props: they’re people.”

Posted: 24th, September 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (6)


Culling Time: Big Brother’s Jen Promises To Kill Sara

ANORAK calculates that there are still five more permutations for Big Brother housemates to work: Sara has yet to shag Jen, who has yet to shag Mo, who has yet to shag Steph, who has yet to shag Mario who has yet to be admitted to The Priory.

Today the Star reports that Sara has been involved in “girlie romps” with Jen.

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Posted: 24th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment


Who’s Saari Now: The 12th Rule Of Tabloid Journalism

THE 12th Rule of Tabloid Journalism states:

“Each and any incident that can be linked to a website on the internet must be. If victim or perpetrator of crime or deed has a social networking account it should be mentioned at all times, preferably in the headline. The inference should be that the web was the trigger to the action.”

Example:

Matti Saari, 22, shoots and kills 10 people at a school in Kauhajoki, western Finland. He had posted online videos of himself at a gun range. He killed himself.

Headlines:

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Posted: 24th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)


Robbie Williams Catches Big Foot

IN “ROBBIE GOES APE”, Daily Star readers are told that Robbie Williams has emerged from a “12-week exile dressed in a gorilla suit”.

Further in, and the suit is billed as that of a “gibbon”; although both beasts do allow the Star the chance to say that Williams has gone “bananas”.

There’s the pun: there’s the news story. There’s the call from Peta.

But…

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Posted: 24th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)


Princess Diana On A Horse And The Elephant In The Room

IT’S her. It’s Princess Diana on the front-page of the Express. Today Diana is wearing a pearl chocker, pearl earrings and a lilac collar.

This is Diana’s letter-writing outfit du jour. And the Express has peeked at her “revealing letters to nanny”.

“HOW DIANA CONFESSED IN LETTERS: WHEN I DANCE I LOOK LIKE AN ELEPHANT.”

Is that an elephant dancing, or just an elephant in a sequined dress and heels? And when did Diana see either vision, at a party, perhaps, for Prince Edward’s 21st?

Nanny is Mary Clarke, who is selling off her Diana Letters to the highest bidder. The letters are nothing short of sensational.

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Posted: 23rd, September 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment


Credit Crunch: Sue Carroll Is Down There With The Have Nots

SUE Carroll, the Mirror’s well-paid blonde, white columnist is considering the credit crunch, and hits upon the idea that when money is tight the poor suffer.

In “It’s Britain’s poor who are really feeling the credit crunch”, Carrol opines:

As a nation we’re feeling stressed, physically under par and tired. I get that.

Adding:

There’s nothing more repellent than listening to the haves pretending they’re down there with the have-nots.

Yeah. That is just so pathetic…

Posted: 23rd, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (4)


Chip Shape Victoria Beckham Calls The Baby Ordering Service

“I’M not even trying to get pregnant at the moment,” says Victoria Beckham, batting off advances from the Sun’s Victoria Newton and a loaded turkey baster.

Instead Her Poshness wants to make use of the Celebrity Baby Ordering Service, the Anorak agency that logs all demands for babies from our elite stars.

Says Posh:

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Posted: 23rd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (14)


The Madeleine McCann Christian Prayer Circle Says God Took Her

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

CHRISTIANITY TODAY: “Christians pray for missing Madeleine”

Christians around the world joined in prayer on Friday for the safe return of missing Madeleine McCann and the release of all children held by criminal networks.

Do the Christians know what happened to Madeleine, then?

The worldwide day of prayer was organised by the Madeleine Prayer Circle.

Join hands…

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Posted: 23rd, September 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (225)


Schoolboys Encouraged To Get Back To Nature

“SOMETHING is not right when a boy can’t sit down and watch a nature documentary on TV because he is to busy doing maths.”

Or doing Countdown, as it is known in the parlance of the modern school.

Gary James, deputy head of the Tiffin boys school, puts into words what millions of us have long thought.

Year 7 is a haven for boys aged between 11 and 12, and if they can’t watch two dung beatles copulating on a pile of donkey excreta, then what is education all about?

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Posted: 22nd, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (6)


Lily Allen’s Key II

LILY Allen News Of The Day: Lily’s keys II

Lily Allen managed to keep a Smile on her face after locking herself out of her new North London home – Gordon Smart, The Sun

More Lily Allen news tomorrow…

Posted: 22nd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Money, Tabloids | Comments (6)


Credit Crunch: The Baby Boom And Bust

CREDIT Crunch news of the day: “BED-IT CRUNCH”

BRITAIN is heading for a baby boom as the credit crunch is forcing couples to entertain themselves at home. People have limited cash to splash at pubs and restaurants so are spending more time in the bedroom.

Sales of maternity clothes rose by nearly half last week, says the Sun:

But it’s no free ride:

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Posted: 22nd, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (2)