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Tabloids | Anorak - Part 42

Tabloids Category

The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.

Cosmetic Surgery: Making Over The Daily Mail

“COSMETIC cowboys could cost you your life, women warned,” announces the Mail.

Men called Billy-Bob dressed in chaps and surgical masks are using “irresponsible adverts to seduce them [women] into having operations”.

Many procedures advertised – such as lunchtime facelifts and discount five-in-one operations – are at best ineffective and at worst dangerous, the experts say.

Are you getting your five in a day?

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Posted: 19th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (5)


Laughing At The Unemployed City Boy Terrorists

THE Mirror is celebrating the loss of so many jobs in the City. Thousands – secretaries, traders, money makers, revenue, caterers, wealth generators, bar staff, cleaners and more – are looking at redundancy and the Mirror, voice of the worker, is delighted:

Brian Reade:

But I’m still laughing so hard at the sight of those City Boys departing Avarice Towers with their possessions in champagne boxes, that my face is redder than a glistening new Ferrari.

Or redder than an unpaid utility bill. Happily he then wishes death upon them.

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Posted: 19th, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (9)


Sky Viewers Pay For Noel Edmonds’ GCHQ

NOEL Edmonds has taken time out from his conversations with God to say he’d rather got to jail than pay his TV licence fee.

(Says one viewer of Deal Or No Deal: “Dead Anroak, I did not know that – 100% of FACT – One in every 10,000 boxes on Deal or No Deal says ‘Punch Noel Edmonds in the face.’”)

The Star says Edmonds already has one registered to his home address, so lags can rest easy.

Noel’s on Sky 1, infiltrating satellite dishes with his Noel’s HQ. It’s a version of his Noel’s House Party with the added blob of consumer advice and Noel telling us “the politicians have failed”. Now it’s Noel’s chance to rule the land.

It’s Noel’s GCHQ, and he’s listening.

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Posted: 19th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)


Madeleine McCann: More Kate Fury, Juliet Stevenson Feels And Ben Affleck Returns

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

DAILY MIRROR: “Kate’s fury at leaked diary story”

Such is Kate McCann’s weekly tabloid fury, it’s a wonder she has any time to do anything other then be furious.

Kate McCann was last night said to be devastated by the unauthorised publication of her diary. You mean those extracts that appeared in the News of the World, sister paper to the Sun, the Mirror’s main rival..?

Lawyers for the McCanns are thought to be demanding an apology and payout for the Find Madeleine fund. The McCanns did not comment.

A payout? Well, if her words sell newspapers, it seems fair.. Unless they are in the public interest?

DAILY MAIL: “Truly, madly, deeply disturbing: A missing child leads Juliet Stevenson to some grisly secrets in a dark new drama”

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Posted: 19th, September 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (573)


Cheryl Cole’s Private Affair Made Public

CHERYL Cole is back with her vomitous Ashley Sole. She wearing her wedding ring. Although, the Mirror says it might be a ring that was a present for her second anniversary.

Or it might be a spaghetti hoop that got lodged in Ashley’s throat, or a clutch of diamonds that became entangled in the toilet paper and stuck to Cheryl’s fingers?

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Posted: 18th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment


Lily Allen News Of The Day: Coronation Street’s New Bra Maid

LILY Allen news of the day: Corrie! Cop a load of our Lily…

Lily is mistaken for Coronation Street’s Kym Marsh – Daily Star

More Lily Allen news tomorrow…

Posted: 18th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)


Four Facts About Paul Gascoigne’s Drinking

“INFO maniac UK,” screams the Mirror. “Average Briton absorbs 13 new facts per day.”

But which facts? Luckily, Paul Gascoigne is here to help readers. Gazza is by the Metz public house, in Dunston, Gateshead.

DAILY MIRROR: “Desperate for a drink at 9.44am.” Fact!

THE SUN: “Desperate for a drink…” at 9.45am. Fact!

DAILY EXPRESS: “9.30am: Gazza tries to get a drink.” Fact!

DAILY STAR: “Gazza is desperately trying to get into a pub at 9am”. Fact!

Now for 11 more facts to complete the day’s quota… Who’s in the Spurs First XI tonight?

Posted: 18th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (11)


Celebrity News Of The Day: Jennifer Aniston Is Rushing

THERE’S a picture of Hollywood actress Jennider Aniston in the Daily Mirror. But why?

“Jennifer Aniston seems to be in a bit of a rush – perhaps she’s heading for a date with a new Friend?”

Yeah, perhaps…

Posted: 18th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)


No-One Reads The Daily Express

“YOUNG readers lose out,” says the Daily Express.

Children spend less time reading than their parents. Fact, says Charity Booktime and Booked Up. Maybe children should read the Daily Express? But they don’t No-one does:

Via

Posted: 18th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)


The Idiots Guide To HBOS And The Singing Malteser

HSBOS bank collapses, proof that capitalism works and you’re never to big to go under. (See Lehman Brothers.)

Big news, then. But the red-tops have a problem: they need to make their readers understand what Lehman Brothers was. They do this by finding an easy point of reference and talking down to them in words of one syllable or fewer.

THE SUN: “MASS EXIT – 40,000 face axe, including Howard.”

Howard..? Is he the boss of the failed outfit? In a way yes.

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Posted: 18th, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (11)


Unravelling Allison Pearson’s Message For Lehman Brothers Sorority

ALLISON Pearson, of the Daily Mail, is discussing the impact of the Lehman Bothersearthquake” and what investments bankers did to us when they never had it so good:

For years, investment bankers could outbid any family on a London house because they were always cash buyers. Flash Harrys and Jaspers with bonuses as big as their egos were happy to pay stupid money. So the property market duly went insane…

Who can afford those cray-zee prices?

Film studio Miramax has demanded that Allison Pearson return the $700,000 it paid her for rights to her novel I Think I Love You after the Daily Mail columnist failed to deliver the book. The novel, Pearson’s second following her successful debut I Don’t Know How She Does It, is about one girl’s infatuation with David Cassidy.

Pearson goes on:

The quality of British life became dangerously frayed. Kids unravelled.

Unravelling children. For shame! You’ve seen them, with their frayed fingers, unstitched heads and loose bits of digestive tract trailing behind them on a sodden grey pavement.

Pearson’s seen them. And she’s seen the kiddie unravellers at Lehman Brothers, once addressing the banks sorority:

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Posted: 17th, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (8)


Big Brother Star In Double Murder Horror

BIG Brother “STAR FLEES BLOODY DOUBLE MURDER”. So says the Star.

How we hope that this crime was caught on CCTV. Better had it been enacted in the house for our entertainment, but, fingers crossed, maybe next time a hissy fit can escalate into something worth watching.

Hopefully Kate Lawler, Big Brother winner emeritus, can tell all when the media catches up with her. As the Star says, two people have been butchered and:

“The TV star fled as the young women die in a blood-drenched flat yards from her city apartment.”

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Posted: 17th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)


Suicidal Thoughts With The Daily Sport

ANYONE know what percentage of suicides read the Daily Sport? And for another study, does reading the Daily Sport encourage feelings of suicide or are you already suicidal when you buy it?

And for a few pence more, why not just buy the Daily Mail and learn that things can be much worse and usually are.

Much to debate, then, in light of the Press Complaints Commission’s decision to censure the Daily Sport for a “gratuitous article that glamorised suicide” after the tabloid published a “Top yourself tourism” list.

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Posted: 17th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)


Gallowgate Humour: Newcastle Fans Attack Mike Ashley

AH, the Geordie fans of Newcastle United, a breed apart, a nation apart, a place where delusions are encouraged and the car-Toon army actually believe that their stadium is the best, their fans the most loyal and their club “massive”.

The one thing you won’t see at Newcastle is smiling, worldly-wise fans lampooning their own team’s failings and ole-ing when a single pass goes to a teammate.

Newcastle United’s fans are devoid of humour, even gallows humour in the Gallowgate.

And here’s Alan McKenna, who looks like Newcastle chairman Mickey Ashley, walking into a bar in Chester-le-Street, County Durham, and being asked by Newcastle fans if he is the real thing.

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Posted: 17th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (5)


Madeleine McCann: The Al Qaeda Connection, British Police Tell All And Alone In Portugal

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

DAILY MAIL: “Mother accused of neglecting 8-year-old daughter in Portugal admits she hit the bottle but denies leaving girl alone”

There were two of her, occifer. No., wait three… four…

Stephanie Bysh stood accused of the most stupid of mistakes. After the disappearance of Madeline McCann the idea of leaving a child alone for even a moment was unthinkable to any mother in the country.

No mother should leave a child alone in Portugal for a second. No, make that a split second… Hell, you might end up selling your story to a magazine:

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Posted: 17th, September 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (514)


Kate Moss Is To Blame For Everything

WANT to know who to blame for the credit cruch, child murder, rape and your sad, flabby life? Fergus Shanahan knows. There might be British day party. Let’s blame Kate Moss:

“Cokehead model Kate Moss is suggested by Labour as a celebrity with the right values to lead the partying. Of course she is. Why not ask the Yorkshire Ripper along as well? With Rose West to do the teas.”

Picture: Beau Bo D’Or Website

Kate Moss. She bad…

Posted: 16th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)


Proud Of Britain: Being Proud Of Sir Alex Ferguson

PROUD Of You – Anorak’s look people being proud of others. The more tenuous the link, the better. Today, one of Alex Ferguson’s school mates is proud of him:

“I’ve kept an eye on Alex’s career,” says Margaret McArthur, 67. “He’s done really well and I’m proud of him.” – The Sun

Makes you proud…

Posted: 16th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment


Amy Winehouse’s Husband Chooses Prison Over Mum And Her

WHAT’S BLAKE Fielder-Civil been up to? Like Amy Winehouse, he too missed the singer’s birthday party, prevented from attending by high wall, electric gate and angry guards.

But the Sun says Blake could be at large tomorrow should he agree to move in with his mother in Nottinghamshire. He should also wear an electronic tag and adhere to a 7pm curfew.

But what’s this? Blake says no.

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Posted: 16th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (10)


Kate Moss Snorts Cars And Brings Down World Financial Markets

KATE Moss snorts petrol fumes, says the Star. Says Kate Moss:

“I’ve heard it’s one of the most preferred scents in the world – maybe that’s something to study for my next fragrance.”

Moss, as chance has it, has launched her new fragrance, a celebrity vehicle with top notes of Cortina backseat and extracts of mini cab. It’s called Velvet Hour.

And Cocaine Moss’s car news does not end there. No way.

The Mirror says Kate Moss car has been broken into and she fears a £200k ring has been stolen from it. For shame!

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Posted: 16th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)


Prince William Come Out Of The Closet

PRINCE William approaches the closet and pulls out… No, not him. He’s married.

This is macho Wills pulling out the uniform of the helicopter rescue pilot fraternity, and pulling it on.

Anther day, and with it another uniform. William is dashing off to fly in Sea King helicopter.

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Posted: 16th, September 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (5)


Big Brother’s Dale Milks Jen’s T*t

BY now you’ll be wondering what happened to Big Brother’s Jennifer Clark. And what of Dale?

Well, its turns out that they have been in bed, with each other, and now Dale emerges to tell us that their romance was “all about cash” and that Jen is a “money-grabbing tit”.

Dale, pictured topless, says that Jen was “probably getting naked to make money out of me”. How you make money out of Dale Howard is a point left moot.

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Posted: 16th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment


Lehman Brothers’ Workers Save Jobs By Playing Bingo

YOU join us for another game of Tabloid Bingo. Today the tabloids are counting the numbers of bankers falling from the windows of Lehman Bothers’ offices.

DAILY MIRROR: “About 4,500 Lehman Brothers staff …may lose their jobs.”
They have chance…

DAILY MAIL: “Some 4,500 Lehman workers lost their job in Britain”

Damn!

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Posted: 16th, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (4)


Madeleine McCann: How To Spot Paedos With Sarah’s Law

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

DAILY MAIL: “Jackboot Jacqui brings back the ducking stool”

Richard Littlejohn continues his Nazi fetish.

Anti-paedo laws are coming into force:

Parents will be able to ask if someone close to their family is a sex offender under new pilot schemes in England. Under the measures, police will be able to tell families if someone with access to a child has convictions or has been previously suspected of abuse.

Yes, suspected

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Posted: 16th, September 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (364)


The Idiots Guide To The Lehman Brothers

LEHMAN Brothers bank collapses, proof that capitalism works and you’re never to big to go under.

Big news, then. But the red-tops have a problem: they need to make their readers understand what Lehman Brothers was. They do this by finding an easy point of reference and talking down to them in words of one syllable or fewer.

THE SUN (front page): “CRASH – BANG – WALLOP”

Jobs have been lost. Lehman’s hasn’t half a sixpence to its name. But what does it man? Well:

“Manchester Utd sponsor AIG could be next.”

That’s right. Man United fans might be forced to buy a new shirt. And with the season but a few weeks old. For shame!

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Posted: 16th, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (8)


Was Mark Saunders Murdered By The Police?

MARK Saunders has gun. Mark Saunders is alone. A call to the police. Police come. There have been shots fired.

Mark Saunders has been drinking. Mark Saunders is divorce lawyer. Mark Saunders has been rowing with his wife.

Mark Saunders lives in a £2.2million flat in West London. Police arrive and shoot Mark Saunders in the brain, heart and liver. Officers hurl gas grenades into Mark Saunders’ fat and go in.

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Posted: 15th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (9)