Anorak

Tabloids | Anorak - Part 44

Tabloids Category

The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.

Up And Atom: The Large Hadron Collider Sex Aide

HOW was the Large Hadron Collider for you? Did it being out the Devil?

The Star says that at 8:30 yesterday the machine was switched on, at the exact time when “couples around the globe” staged their own earth-moving experiments.

Yes, 8:30. Or, as the Sun says, “8.33”.

Yesterday the Star told us it was 8:15

Old Mr Anorak would like to apologies to all commuters, passing schoolchildren and interested pets who passed the window of And So To Bed furniture store at 8:16 yesterday morning where he and his current flame where road testing the facilities…

Posted: 11th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (6)


War On Wannabe: Big Brother Chooses Its Biggest Weapon

HAVING survived the Hadron Collider (for now), we are now to endure the “WAR” of the Big Brother “BABES”.

For those of you who watched big Brother, it might come as some shock to know that it featured actual babes and not just the slappers ordinaire, of which reality TV has an endless vat.

But know that drippy blonde Nicole Cammack is a babe, and so too is radioactive Stephanie McMichael.

They are at “WAR”, as the Star’s front page screams, and the chosen weapon is Rex Newmark.

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Posted: 11th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)


Judy Finnigan Replaces Fern Britton On This Morning

FERN Britton is the Express’s blonde-cover-du-jour.

And get a load of that gastric band, which seems to have pushed Lyvita Fern’s famous tum-tum all the way up into her bra.

“Fern’s curves cause rather a stir on TV,” says the Express. And for those of you circling life’s plug hole – journalists, the institutionalised and those waiting in a Dorset garage for their car to be fixed (don’t ask) – it is nothing short of sensation.

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Posted: 11th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)


Madeleine McCann: The Fear Of Maddie

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

WESTON & SOMERSET MERCURY: “Four-year-old snatched from outside home”

In Portugal?

A FOUR-YEAR-OLD Weston girl was told all her family members were dead by a group of boys who snatched her from outside her home. Now her mum, Tracey, has told of her horror after realising her daughter had gone missing.

Says Tracey, who has walked home ahead of her children (Jess and her six-year-old sister), who are following behind:

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Posted: 11th, September 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (423)


Let’s Here It For Apartheid in London

THE wonderful Lee Jasper is advocating an educational apartheid:

“The fact is, it’s time the black community ran its own schools, devised a curriculum that suited the needs of our children, employed teachers that look like the young people they are teaching.”

Lee JasperWho he?

Via

Posted: 10th, September 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (6)


How To Spot A Paedophile In The Park

YOU join us in Telford town park, Shropshire, where a man is striding out across the open space. A park ranger approaches…

RANGER: “Excuse me, Sir…”
MAN: “Ye-es…”
RANGER: “ARE YOU A PAEDOPHILE…”

The Mirror does not take the conversation any further.

All we say is that if a man wants to wear five-inch high heels on his boots, a silver sequinned jumpsuit and a large expanse of jet black wig hair and asks kids if they want to be in his gang, then who are we to judge?

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Posted: 10th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (10)


Dreaming About Killing The British Sarah Palin With A String Bean

SARAH Palin Watch: Anorak’s look at Sarah Palin in the media…

It’s the Sarah Palin death cult. Although unlike Obama, she’s armed to the teeth…

SALON: “I Dream About Sarah Palin. Do You?”

I rarely remember my dreams, but for the past week, GOP vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin has been haunting me. Night after night, she appears in my dreams, always as a scolding, ominous figure.

Phwoar! Old Mr Anorak is listening. Go on…

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Posted: 10th, September 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (12)


Big Brother Slapper Hits Out

WHAT news of Rex Newmark, Stephanie McMichael and Nicole Cammack? Who they?

How soon you forget, gentle reader. They are the Big Brother stars of whom the Daily Star brings welcome news.

The good news is that all are alive and as well as can be expected. The other news is that Rex, a protean Diddy Hamilton meets Rick Astley, has “sensationally” spent the night with the aforesaid Steph, who looks not enough unlike a boil washed Sandra Bernhardt.

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Posted: 10th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (4)


Anthrax Alice Dellal Is the New Cocaine Kate

OVERLOOKING the story “MODEL IN ‘I DID NOT TAKE COCAINE’” shocker, the Sun leads with a picture of one Alice Dellal “sprawled over what appears to be a thick line of cocaine.”

Of course, the woman dubbed the “new Kate Moss” by the paper is not all that fat, a condition that may make the line of powders white (anthrax?) appear fatter than if it were sat before someone, well, fatter.

To put the tin lid on the drugs and celebrity angle, Dellal is said to be a “pal” of one Peaches Geldof, a desperado not seen since the days of Sancho Panza.

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Posted: 10th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)


Victoria Beckham Leeches Jennifer Lopez

VICTORIA Beckham has new hairdooo.

It’s front-page news in the Sun, Daily Star, Daily Mirror (PETER PAN POSH”), Daily Mail (“short Becks and sides”), and the Daily Express (“Urchin”).

The Sun’s Page 3, Keeley Hazell, says “it suits her”.

Readers get to see her Poshness’s new haircut as she steps out with Jennfier Lopez, aka Jenny Who Owns the Block.

As the picture shows, Posh is the one on the left, who has seemingly leached the colour from the once orangey-brown J-Lo.

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Posted: 10th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)


The Large Hadron Collider Has Killed Everyone

THE LARGE Hadron Collider has killed everyone. If you are reading this you are dead. If you are not reading this you are dead.

DAILY TELEGRAPH:

Gill Hornby: “Before the world ends, I just wanted to say: I told you so”

In my own branch of Astrophysics, CKtC – or, to give it its full name, Curiosity Killed the Cat – we jolly well wish they wouldn’t.

Stalking celebrities for science: Alexander Fsachem needs celebs to make sense of the universe on the BBC…

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Posted: 10th, September 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Strange But True, Tabloids | Comments (42)


Did Heather Mills Lie On Her Apprentice CV?

THANKS to the Sun we know that Heather Mills will not be appearing on the Celebrity Apprentice.

Mills will not be taking a pointy finger form Donald Trump, eh of the tsunami hair, as she is fired for failing to sell musical knickers at the televised fiscal-celebrity interface.

The Sun says this is because Lady Heather wanted a clause in her contract that ensured she would be in the show’s final.

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Posted: 10th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (8)


Daily Mirror Rerouts Cisco Away From Prince Harry

THE story so far: the Mirror says Prince Harry Baseball Cap is at his Boujis club, where he is involved in a binge drinking exhibition with one Cisco Adler.

Says the paper’s 3am Girls one day on:

“So Cisco participated in his own flashy drinking games rocking up a massive bar bill, unlike Harry who merely cosied up and relaxed with Chelsy. Bless!”

The Mirror has the story covered, from all angles…

Posted: 10th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (2)


Madeleine McCann: Seeking Britain’s Armchair Detectives

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

DAILY MIRROR: “McCANNS HEADHUNT COPS FOR NEW MADDY SEARCH”

As Anorak told you yesterday, the Our Maddie hunt could, maybe, might, you never know, see ex-British police involved. Everyone’s an armchair detective… Or Cluedo.

The Find Madeleine Fund has asked for lists of retired or about-to-retire officers from forces across the country.

Beats playing golf… What do we know so far?

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Posted: 10th, September 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (472)


New Jab To Lance Boil Of Fat People

THE Express tells of a new “Jab that stops obsess people feeling hungry.”

Anorak has long advocated the old jab, where the thin person elbows fatty in the tenderloin and says: “Don’t you think you’ve had enough?”

But the paper says this new jab is terrific.

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Posted: 9th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (19)


The One About The Hadron Collider And Jade Goody

WHAT have the Hadron Collider and Jade Goody got in common? Satan?

Fergus Shanahan and the Sun put their minds to it:

Says Shanahan (Sun deputy editor): “What would you miss most if the world ends tomorrow”?

Shanahan says he would least miss Jade Goody, who might have just ten years to live

Read extracts from Goody’s new book in the, er, Sun…

Jack’s rages left me sobbing and shaking with fear

This would be the same Jack Tweed billed as Jade’s rock? And this would be “brave” Jade?

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Posted: 9th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7)


Prince Harry Takes On Cisco Alder At Drinking: Journalists Shocked

THE Mirror says that Prince Harry Baseball Cap has spent £5,000 on a two-hour drinking binge.

To Boujis club, London, where Harry and pals are going drink-for-drink with one Cisco Alder, a US “rocker” and his pals.

Harry is drinking Crackberry cocktails – a mix of vodka, passion fruit, sugar syrup, raspberry liqueur and a dash of Aqua de Amy Winehouse, the singer’s new signature scent.

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Posted: 9th, September 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (7)


Fergus Shanahan Spots Richard Littlejohn’s Nazis

FERGUS Shanahan, the Sun’s deputy editor, continues his audition for Richard Littlejohn’s job at the Daily Mail with a pastiche of the Littlejohn style guide.

Like Littlejohn, Shanahan sees Nazis. Always Nazis

Shanahan sees “COUNCIL GESTAPO” in your bins.

Shanahan sees “COUNCIL GESTAPO” in the form of “Hitler Youth” grassing you up for “enviro-crimes”.

Yeah like the Climate Kops.

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Posted: 9th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)


All Ethnic Minorities Are Immigrants

“’STOP new migrants coming in,’ say 75 per cent of migrants.”

The Star has seen a YouGov poll, which shows that a “substantial reduction in immigration” is “backed by three-quarters of ethnic minorities”.

Does it follow, then, that all ethnic minorities immigrants?

Surely not…

Picture

Posted: 9th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (11)


Big Brother’s Rex Wants To Be More Hated Than Jamie Oliver

BIG Brother’s REX Newsmark is “HATED”. Anorak asked the typing pool to make a list of the most hated people in the UK. They came up with:

  • Jamie Oliver
  • Noel Edmonds
  • Naomi Campbell
  • Osama bin Laden
  • Rex Newmark
  • Gary Glitter
  • Gordon Brown
  • Nicole Cammack
  • The French
  • Anthea Turner

Indeed, Rex is hated. The star is right, as ever. And here Rex tells us:

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Posted: 9th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)


Danielle Lloyd’s Neck Is Long Over Jew

DANIELLE Lloyd has had a new tattoo inked (etched?) down the nape of her orangey-brown neck.

This is “Dani’s Posh new tattoo,” says the Star.

For those of you reading Danielle from the rear, the tattoo spells: “Only god can judge me.”

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Posted: 9th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (22)


Wayne Rooney’s Non-Sequitur Of The Day

WAYNE Rooney, we and readers of the News of the World learn, is “at it five times a night”.

It turns out to be “playing FIFA ’08”, a video game that features a picture of Wayne in full rant on the cover.

After that coincidence (surely shameless plug? – ed), the NOTW then delivers one of the best non-sequiturs ever:

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Posted: 9th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Online-PR, Tabloids | Comments (6)


Madeleine McCann: British Police, Madeline And The Maddie Weather Warning

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

MANCHESTER EVENING NEWS: “Top cops to join Maddie hunt?”

TOP former detectives from Greater Manchester Police could be recruited by the team trying to finding missing Madeleine McCann.

A question. And a “could”. Facts. Who he:

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Posted: 9th, September 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (389)


Shannon Matthews: Craig Meehan, Adding Up Images And Gateway Porn

REMEMBER Shannon Matthews? Poor Shannon. Our Shannon.

Craig Meehan, her former live-in adult male role model, foerm lover of mother Karen Matthews, has been in court to answer charges of having indecent images of children on his PC. Meehan denies any wrongdoing.

The papers have the details…

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Posted: 8th, September 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Reviews, Tabloids | Comments (7)


Princess Diana’s Old Banger

PRINCESS Diana is looking better than ever, and is duly restored to her throne on the Express’s cover.

Radiant after the summer break (“Thanks, Maddie, for the time off” -Di), Diana is dressed in blue off-the-shoulder dress and pearl-drop earrings.

Diana’s car of death is for sale, or it could be, or not. The Express senses “fury”.

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Posted: 8th, September 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (3)