Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Do The Math: Those Countdown Auditions, With Sara Nathan And Abi Titmuss
AUDITIONS are well underway for the woman to replace Carol Vorderman as the nation’s favourite brain box.
SARA NATHAN (Sun):
GLAM girl Abi Titmuss was greeted with a queue of four men for the launch of her new book today
SARA NATHAN (SUN)
Just three men turned up to have her sign The Secret Diaries Of Abigail Titmuss at London’s Liverpool Street station.
Do the math…
Posted: 29th, July 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (6)
Celebrity Quote Of The Day: Courtney Love’s Bananas
CELEBRITY Quote Of The Day: Courtney Love.
“We all agree that ‘KOOKOO BANANAS’ the phase is mine? I’m flattered other people are using it. I just wanted to establish that it’s mine” – Daily Mirror
It was Old Mr Anorak who coined the phrase f*ckwit, and he’s been living off the royalties in no litle splendour ever since…
Posted: 29th, July 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Carol Vorderman Takes Stars From the Bottom
CAROL Vorderman has taken one from the bottom and Countdown is bereft of a sum meister and letter turner.
While the talk is of equipping one of Bruce Forsyth’s Dolly Dealer’s with a calculator, the Mirror says “Star back axed Carol”.
The stars backing Carol are:
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Posted: 29th, July 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)
The Good Loos: Rebecca Loos Brings Relief To Victoria Beckham
MORE good news for Daily Star readers as they spot Rebecca Loos topless at the seaside.
The good news is not that Ms Loos, David Beckham’s pig-tossing former PA, is, thanks to her breast attachments, unlikely to drown at sea.
The good news is not that Rebecca Loos is “back to her womanizing ways…romping with a mystery blonde pal”.
The good news is not that, as the Star says on its front page, these are “The pics Posh WON’T want to see” – a suggestion that it was Her Poshness and not Day-vid who really fancied Loos and it is she who will be upset by these pictures of Loss with another.
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Posted: 29th, July 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Big Brother 9: Bully For Rachel Rice And Hitler
BIG Brother 9 Watch: Anorak’s looks at Big Brother news in the media…
BIG BROTHER is embroiled in a new “BULLY ROW”.
Oh, for those innocent days, when we sat in our Big Brother hides, looking on for sings of talent and under-the-duvet breeding. Now the twitching is all about the bitching, and news is that Welsh bird Rachel Rice is on the receiving end.
“You’re a liar and sell out,” says Rex to Rachel.
Yeah, that’s bullying. You can keep your kebab shop shankings and tag-team happy slapping. What worse is there than callings someone fake?
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Posted: 29th, July 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (9)
Madeleine McCann: Colette Douglas Home Spreads The Fear And Inside Irvine Welsh
MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann, Gerry McCann
THE HERALD: “Do you want to see every parent in the dock?”
It’s Colette Douglas Home, professional Maddie opinion giver. And to answer her question: yes. Fingerprint them, photograph them and question them for 42 days. Only the guilty have anything to fear.
Fear:
You’ve got to admit, they shouldn’t have left the children unattended and gone out to dinner.” It was a colleague talking to me about Kate and Gerry McCann. He went on: “We go on holiday with a big group of friends but we’d never do that. We put the wee ones to bed and eat downstairs.”
“And do you check on them every half hour?”
“Yes. Well, we send the teenagers to do the checking.”
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Posted: 29th, July 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (494)
Gordon Smart’s Breaking Amy Winehouse
HAS Gordon Smart’s Bizarre Sun column reached the apogee of its ambitions?
His daily gawp at Amy Winehouse allows readers to know that:
JUNKIE singer AMY WINEHOUSE’s dad insisted she was “fine” yesterday — hours after she punched a wall and burst into tears. Wild-eyed Amy, 24, caused her fist to bleed.
While the Celebrity Police Force scrape blood from the wall and take it down to forensics, Smart tells us that:
That’s right. The headline news is: “Amy Winehouse breaks nail.”
The star, who had one of her nails ripped off, also lashed out at her security guards.
Look out for more Amy Winehouse breaking news: Amy breaks wind; Amy breaks sweat; and Amy Winehouse breaks out.
No sooner said than done, says Smart:
With her face ravaged by the skin condition impetigo
More breaking news to follow…
Posted: 28th, July 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Cereals Are Made From Crap
“HUMAN sewage used for cereals,” says the cover of your free Metro seat cleaner, the London free newspaper that covers your train seat OR bus seat better then any other free London newspaper.
Fact!
Says the news imprinted on your cricket whites:
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Posted: 28th, July 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (12)
Daily Wail: Come See The Dead Child In The Daily Mail
THE Daily Wail. Each days the Dail Mail searches, scouring medical reports and research notes for news, and finally its quests bears dividends:
The Daily Mail – the family newspaper…
Posted: 28th, July 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4)
Countdown Carol Voderman Is 11 Per Cent Less Attractive Than Myleene Klass
“COUNTDOWN MELTDOWN,” says the Mirror. “Shocking truth of how Carol and Des were FORCED to quit.”
News was, and still is, that Vorderman was offered a 90 per cent pay cut in her £800,000 salary to keep her job as celebrity sums worker outer on the Channel 4 show. She was offended, appalled and RAGED OUT.
Anorak has enjoyed Carol’s work over the years and can that she has been treated unfairly, being as she is only 79 per cent less attractive then she was when her last pay deal was set.
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Posted: 28th, July 2008 | In: Celebrities, Money, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (12)
Gazza Hazza Shazza: Paul Gascoigne Back With Sheryl
“GAZZA GOES ON TRIAL,” screams the Star from its front page.
A test of endurance – gonad munching and bikini showering – for the nation’s top footballer daughter, Bianca Gascoigne, on I’m A Celebrity?
Or news that Sheryl Gascoigne says she will only marry her footballer, Paul Gasconge, if he passes a test?
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Posted: 28th, July 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Madeleine McCann: The Tabloid Dog Pack, Kate McCann’s Diary And Shannon Matthews
MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann, Gerry McCann and Robert Murat
PRESS GAZETTE: “Furious lawyer attacks tabloids’ ‘pack-dog’ mentality over stories”
Read all about it in the Star, Sun, Mirror etc.
Louis Charalambous represented Robert Murat in his libel action against eleven tabloid newspapers. Two other claimants in the same case, Sergey Malinka and Michaela Walczuch, were awarded apologies and a “substantial six-figure settlement”.
Charalambous tells the Press Gazette:
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Posted: 28th, July 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (325)
Britain’s Got Talent Dog Dies On Stage
IN Anorak’s soon-to-be-bestseller book ‘I Was A Mail Order Tabloid Whore”, Old Mr Anorak recalls the prefect tabloid story with which he made his name. And it goes like this:
A SNOOKER-playing dog who won fame on Wir Fahren Gegen Engelland has been accidentally mown down and KILLED by his owner.
Now imagine his surprise when he opened the Sun and learned:
A SNOOKER-playing dog who won fame on Britain’s Got Talent has been accidentally mown down and KILLED by his owner.
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Posted: 27th, July 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (4)
Beating About Sienna’s Miller’s Bush
PSST! Wanna see Sienna Miller’s bush? The Mirror’s 3am Girls do:
“The film is set in the swinging 60s when fashion was wild and body hair even wilder,” says our studio mole. “Sienna was an absolute star throughout filming and her performance was flawless. The only slight problem being that she’s very much a girl of the Noughties – and this extends to her personal upkeep.
“Unfortunately, Brazilians weren’t common in the 60s and Sienna’s part involved one or two nude scenes – meaning that her grooming habits were on full display.
“A merkin or pubic wig simply wouldn’t have done the trick, but luckily computer wizardry came to the rescue. Sienna’s private parts were digitally enhanced, giving her a rather unruly, loud and proud bush.
Posted: 27th, July 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Carey On Max Mosley: Living The Dream
OLD Mr Anorak dreamed about Max Mosley last night.
The head of world motor sport (Mosley) was dressed in a red robe, white Crimplene wig and black suspenders. He was banging a gavel and demanding that our patron took £60,000 on pain of holding the court in contempt.
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Posted: 27th, July 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
Carol Voderman’s Countdown Erect Join
CAROL Voderman (surely Phwaorderman? – Ed) has left her job as sum solver–in-residence on TV’s Countdown.
Now read on as the Daily Mirror’s front page screams: “HM ELLY OVRN ESCKIGA”.
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Posted: 27th, July 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (18)
Hair It Is: Scientists Return David Cameron’s Bike
WHAT did David Cameron says when his bike was stolen?
The Times says he “had his bike pinched while he popped into his local Tesco supermarket in north Kensington to ‘buy some salad’”.
Anorak was certain Cameron said he had popped out for some “salmon”. On such things common touches are established and lost.
But there was one fact: Cameron’s bike has gone. He left his bike outside, and when he returned, there it was, gone.
But the bike is now returned. And it’s all thanks to the Sunday Mirror and its contacts on the street.
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Posted: 27th, July 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Politicians, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Madeleine McCann: Portugal Police Search And Eilis O’Hanlon Empathises
MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann
SUNDAY PEOPLE: “Police hunt for Maddie ‘is still on’”
Portugal’s top cop has vowed to search “to the ends of the Earth” for Maddie McCann even though prosecutors have shelved the case. Almeida Rodrigues, head of the Judicial Police, said his detectives will chase up all leads until the 15-month mystery is solved.
No end in sight.
He said: “A case only stops being investigated if there is a successful criminal trial.”
IRISH INDEPENDENT: “Only McCanns know full pain of never-ending story – If you find the ambiguity hard to live with, imagine the trauma the McCanns have to endure, writes Eilis O’Hanlon”
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Posted: 27th, July 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (368)
Peaches Geldof’s Golden Brown Hair Dye
BREATHE in and relax, Peaches Honeyblossom Michelle Charlotte Angel Vanessa Geldof.
Peaches has collapsed at her London flat and fears are that in giving her name over the phone she forgot to breathe in and breathe out.
But the Sun said it was drugs that saw Peaches canned (surely caned? –Ed). The Star said it was hair dye.
And the News of the World says: “PEACHES OVERDOSE… IT WAS HEROIN.”
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Posted: 27th, July 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Madeleine McCann: Beyond Parody
MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann
THE HUDDERSFIELD DAILY EXAMINER: “Time to close book on a tragic chapter”
Hilarie Stelfox speak to her readers:
They may have been guilty of neglect – and I certainly wouldn’t have left my children alone in a holiday apartment at that age – but that doesn’t make them murderers.
Further revelations are planned by the former head of the investigation in Portugal but I, for one, am now tired of the slurs and innuendo and will not be buying the book written by Goncalo Amaral, who is simply capitalising on the case.
Any more of this and Stelfox will put a parodist out of a job.
Posted: 26th, July 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (83)
Working Up A Sweat With Barack Obama
OBAMANIA Watch – Anorak’s look at Barack Obama in the news
Do Germans do irony? Do German newspapers and magazines do parodies of actual news reporting? Does Der Bild’s “Judith Bonesky” exist, or is she the work of a German satirist?
Here’s Judith on her meeting with Barack Obama:
As thousands waited at the Sieges Saule monument in Berlin to hear Obama’s sensational speech, a BILD reporter met Barack all alone – in the gym! Here’s the incredible account of Judith Bonesky’s meeting…
It’s a must read. It is nothing less than incredible:
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Posted: 26th, July 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Barack Obama: Obama The Muslim Brother, Hiding From Gordon Brown And The Death Cult
OBAMANIA Watch – Anorak’s look at Barack Obama in the news
Barack Obama is in the UK for the final leg of his world your. He’s meeting Tony Blair. Let us pray:
THE SUN: “Barack Obarmy”
HUNDREDS of cops were standing by today to keep crowds at bay as the Barack Obama roadshow hit London.
Obama’s having breakfast with Tony Blair.
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Posted: 26th, July 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Madeleine McCann: Our Maddie And Amanda Platell Knows
MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann
THE SUN: “McCanns’ delay on Maddie files”
LAWYERS for Kate and Gerry McCann are still waiting to see Portuguese police files on daughter Madeleine’s disappearance, their spokesman said yesterday.
Clarence Mitchell added: “We hope to get notification from the court early next week.“
DAILY MAIL: “Platell’s People: Is this the best way to help Maddie?”
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Posted: 26th, July 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (409)
Big Brother 9: Kathreya Kasisopa Love You Engrish
BIG Brother 9 Watch: Anorak’s looks at Big Brother news in the media…
IT’S Big Brother’s Kathreya Kasisopa. And the Sun says she has a “secret ex-husband nearly 30 YEARS her senior”.
It’s a tabloid secret, a nugget of information the Sun has unearthed by fearless journalism and asking, “Have you ever been married?”
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Posted: 26th, July 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)
Gordon Smart Passes Off Amy Winehouse’s Waxwork
AMY Winehouse is appearing at Madame Tussauds.
The Sun’s pouting Gordon Smart says he has created his own “filthy, sweaty, scarred model”. Why, he does not say, but we imagine it’s to save the Sun the trouble of paying the paparazzi for pictures of Winehouse looking waxy faced and standing very still.
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Posted: 25th, July 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
