Anorak

Tabloids | Anorak - Part 60

Tabloids Category

The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.

Amy Winehouse’s Does The Prison Shag

SAYS the Sun’s Veronica Lorraine: “PRISON visitors were appalled as AMY WINEHOUSE simulated SEX in a nick yesterday.”

In a meeting with husband Blake Fielder-Civil, Winehouse is said to have “yanked her top down, pressed her boobs against a glass booth and writhed suggestively”.

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Posted: 10th, July 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7)


Michael Jackson’s New Dance

SAYS the STAR: “ODDBALL star Michael Jackson popped to the shops in a WHEELCHAIR yesterday sparking new fears for his sanity.”

Of course, the Star means to say “new fears for his back, legs and knees”, wracked by years of moonwalking. Anorak reckons Jackson is debuting the new moonbuggying, a dance that we can all do sitting down?

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Posted: 10th, July 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (12)


Reasons To Be Cheerful: Keeley Hazell And Michael Jackson

THE naked pictures of Big Brother’s Channels make up the Star’s “THREE REASONS TO SMILE” front-page news. Reasons to be cheerful.

Like Anorak, readers may be confused as to what these three reasons are, the front page featuring:

“Keeley – My hottest topless pics ever”
“Hols from £5 – and you can go right now”
“FREE Naked Chanelle poster”
“JACKO FLAT ON HIS BACKO – Star can’t walk”

Old Mr Anorak considers a topless shot of Keeley Hazell to be two reasons to smile, or if viewed through his pre-war bifocals, four, which leaves room for debate on what the other part of the triple-grin is.

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Posted: 10th, July 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)


Ah, Abu Qatada, You’re Spoiling Us

NO pile of gold-paper wrapped chocolate on a silver salver but the Mail assures readers that Abu Qatada is Al Qaeda’s ambassador in Europe.

Trills the front-page headline: “Shopping in the sun, preacher of hate we set free but can’t kick out of Britain.”

“£800,000 home, a life on benefits, no wonder Al Qaeda ambassador Abu Qatada’s smiling,” says the paper.

Life was ever easy for a diplomat in London with his political immunity, the right to park anywhere, “fondling his prayer beads”. Although readers may note that Qatada’s rented home is falling in value and at the time of writing is worth £750,000, or nearest offer.

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Posted: 10th, July 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)


Madeleine McCann: Oprah

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann

DAILY STAR: “MCCANNS’ OPRAH WINDFALL”

MADELEINE McCann’s parents are planning a big bucks interview with US chatshow queen Oprah Winfrey to boost their search fund.

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Posted: 10th, July 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (693)


Catching Out With Big Brother’s Chanelle Hayes

BIG Brother 9 Watch: Anorak’s looks at Big Brother news in the media…

BY now you’ll be wondering what ever happened to Chanelle Hayes, the whiney Big Brother agonist.

The Daily Star has tracked her down and is giving her away to readers in the form of a “naked Chanelle poster” over the centre pages.

Some scoop to find a shot of Chanelle in the nude and readers can expect a damage limitation exercise, as Chanelle tells us that all she left her trademark knickers and peek-a-boo bra back at the house…

Posted: 10th, July 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment


Media Heroes Trading Cards

ANY tabloid journalista there?

With our Media Heroes Trading Cards, Reclaim the Media honors a small handful of media heroes who have inspired thousands of people to become more thoughtful media consumers and media makers. Browse our list of 21 heroes (right column), buy a deck of trading cards, and tell us about your own media heroes – we know there are thousands more!

Source

Posted: 9th, July 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Hamza Bin Laden: Al Qaeda’s Poet Laureate

“WE now offer you a new poem by Sheikh Hamza Bin Laden, may God protect him.”

It’s “baby-faced Hamza Bin Laden * — just 16 but already dubbed the Crown Prince of Terror.”

The Sun has the young blade’s (surely suicide belt’s? – Ed) poem:

“Accelerate the destruction of America, Britain, France and Denmark.
“Oh God, reward the fighters hitting the infidels and defectors.
Oh God, guide the youth of the Islamic nation and let them assist with the fighters’ plans.
God, be pleased with those who want to go for jihad — and blind those who are watching and want to capture them.”

Hamza bin Laden is Al –Qaeda’s de facto poet laureate, and more than match for our own Andrew Motion would have found a decent rhyme for Denmark, like nark or snark, or possibly have ended the line with “France” and rhymed it with dance or former Neighbours star Holly Vallance.

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Posted: 9th, July 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)


Jamie Oilver: We’re All Chicken Thieves Now

“SIGN OF THE HARD TIMES,” says the Express.

“STORE TAGS CHICKEN TO STOP THIEVES.”

Not live chickens, which thanks to Jamie Oliver’s crusade all wear name badges, but dead ones, shrink wrapped and frozen.

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Posted: 9th, July 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)


Burglary Workshops To Fight Crime

THE Express brings news that “NOW BURGLARS WILL NOT BE JAILED – Judges told to go even softer.”

In light of this, the Express publishes a picture of man wearing a hooded top breaking into a house.

It does seem entirely fair that if burglary is now deemed a minor offence we should all be versed in it.

Property is theft, and if we can all be trained to steal the system will be perfect with each of us getting to own whatever we choose, albeit for a limited time.

Readers should not the angle of the hooded man’s hands, the bent shard of plastic and his angle of attack.

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Posted: 9th, July 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)


Amy Winehouse Accused Of Being Slapper

“AMY BEAT ME.”

It’s Amy Winehouse, and the Mirror’s lead story that she launched a “crazed” attack – “three stinging smacks” – on one Wayne Lindsay.

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Posted: 9th, July 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment


Big Brother Sex Dolls

BIG Brother 9 Watch: Anorak’s looks at Big Brother news in the media…

“BIG B RUV MAY IS BIG FAKE,” screams the Star’s front-page headline.

Calling someone a fake is just about the most popular insult on Big Brother, and good that the Star has adopted the language of the house as its own.

The paper says that Maysoon Shaladi has been “branded the show’s biggest ever FAKER”.

Anorak looks at Maysson, the glossy hair, the smooth latte-toned skin, the generous lips and the vapid sparking eyes and realises at once that she is an inflatable doll, Big Brother’s first foray into the adult sex market.

For £19.99 (plus £1.99 foot pump), readers can constructs a life-like Maysoon in their bath tub, lounge seating area and designated smoking zone.

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Posted: 9th, July 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment


Madeleine McCann: Child Alert, Fear And Tony Bennett’s McCann Club

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann

DAILY TELEGRAPH: “Madeleine McCann: Kate and Gerry’s fury at ‘club’ devoted to prosecuting them”

Gerry and Kate McCann have expressed their anger at the establishment of a fee-paying “club” dedicated to seeing them prosecuted over the disappearance of their daughter Madeleine.

A retired British solicitor, Tony Bennett, has set up a fund called The Madeleine Foundation, which aims to bring a private prosecution against the McCanns for alleged child neglect.

Tony Bennett has been on Anorak.

But Madeleine’s parents fear members of the public will inadvertently donate money to it because they may mistake it for the McCanns’ own Madeleine Fund, which pays for private investigations into her whereabouts.

Mr Bennett says his fund is a “subscription-only members’ club, charging a £10 annual fee”.

Says Clarence Mitchell, the McCanns’ spokesman: “It is a great shame that Mr Bennett feels the need to make money out of Madeleine McCann. He did not seek permission from Gerry or Kate to use Madeleine’s name.”

It’s a brand?

“This so-called foundation is in no way doing anything to help find Madeleine.”

Says Bennett:

“Some of the money immediately raised will be used to pay for a barrister to give his or her opinion on how best to proceed with a legal action against the McCanns. We are a group of people, which is rapidly growing in number, who want to get to the truth of what happened to Madeleine. We will also campaign for changes to the law about parents who leave children on their own.

DAILY MAIL: “Brussels throws out McCann’s appeal for European missing child alert system”

Kate and Gerry McCann’s campaign for an alert system for missing children across Europe will not be adopted by the EU, ministers said yesterday.

FENLAND TODAY: “McCanns win more backing for child abduction alert”

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Posted: 9th, July 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (701)


Daily Wail: Bad Medicine, Recession And A Mole

THE Daily Wail. Each days the Mail searches, scouring medical reports and research notes for news, and finally its quests bears dividends:

“Straw backtacks on knife offenders” – Ouch

“How four cups of coffee a day can harm your hopes of a baby” – Stick to alcopops and beer goggles

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Posted: 8th, July 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)


Amy Winehouse Headline Game

AMY Winehouse has been using a sunbed,” says a “friend” in the Sun:

It’s a story that’s been created after the headline. Can you guess the headline?

a) Glow Glow Glow
b) Back To Brown
c) Amy Sunhouse

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Posted: 8th, July 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment


Celebrity Quote Of The Day: Alison Steadman’s Chest

CELEBRITY insight of the day: Alison Steadman:

But I love babies. I would love to be a granny. I’ve even kept toys from my two and have them in chest.

– Daily Express

Posted: 8th, July 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment


Cherly Cole’s Lunger

IN “CHERYL STALKER TERROR,” the Star says a man has grabbed Cheryl Cole and held her in a “terrifying bear hug”.

Who would not be terrified to be hugged in public, it being the anathema of things British, at least those halycon days of pre-Diana Britain?

But does this make the “crazed fan” a stalker?

To our mind a stalker is someone who walks with long stiff strides in the pursuit of fair game and meat. And looking at Cole, we find little by way of sustenance and note that the man moved with a “lunge”…

Posted: 8th, July 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)


The Rafael Nadal Volley

RAFAEL Nadal has won the Wimbledon tennis rubber and the Sun’s Nick Francis puts his achievement in perspective:

The boy who never made it as a footballer

Back of the net!

Posted: 8th, July 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment


Jamie Oliver’s Sex Pesto

HUNGRY for Jamie Oliver? Reports the Star:

A NEW advert for Jamie Oliver’s Presto sauce is to be set in a red-light district. An actor dressed as a sauce jar will pose as ‘sex pesto’ offering a good time to guys dressed as salmon, chicken and prawns.

Fishy.

Posted: 8th, July 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)


Madeleine McCann: Justice Hogg Says, Portugal Reacts And No Evidence

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann

DAILY STAR: “COPS GIVE UP MADDIE DOSSIERS!”

POLICE yesterday agreed to show Madeleine McCann’s parents 81 witness statements. The couple’s detectives will study the confidential documents and re-interview the witnesses.

And what have we learned so far, after 14 months of inbestigating – other thn a child is missing?

Her GP mum Kate and heart consultant dad Gerry, both 40.

Says High Court Judge Mrs Justice Hogg: At the court in London, the judge said:

“There is, of course, one person who knows what has happened to Madeleine and where she may be found.

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Posted: 8th, July 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (555)


Big Brother 9: Bosses Back Sara Folino

“BIG BRO LESBIAN ROMPS SHOCK,” screams the Star’s front-page headline.

It turns out that there has not been ONE lesbian romp in Big Brother 9.

But Australian agonist Sara Folino “wants a lesbian romp with BB babes Lisa and Kat”.

And Sara is not the 0only one who wants it. Says the Star: “Bosses are thrilled the Oz babe is sexing up the show which has been dogged by fights and bitching.”

Bosses like Richard Branson, Sir Alan Sugar and our very own Old Mr Anorak who is thinking of cancelling his subscription to Star owner Richard Desmond’s Fantasy Channel and tuning into BB9…

Posted: 8th, July 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment


Media Ways To Spell Colonel Gadaffi

Gadaffi Duck:

Gadafy – (as used by the Guardian and the Irish Times)
Gaddafi – (probably the most common, as used by most newspapers and this website)
Gadaffi – (as used by the Financial Times)
Ghadaffy – (as used by London’s Evening Standard, although not for long)
Gadhafi – (as used by the Wall Street Journal)
Kadafi – (as used by the Los Angeles Times)
Kaddafi – (as used by Newsweek)
Qaddafi – (as used by the New York Times, the International Herald Tribune, the Economist and the New Yorker)

Quakers. Kwakers…

Posted: 7th, July 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Politicians, Tabloids | Comment


Abi Titmuss, Poker?

“WOMEN seem to make naturally good poker players, because we’re good at reading body language and non-verbal communication, interestingly enough what half of the game is about.”

Who said that?

With no hint of irony that is the considered opinion of one Abi Titmuss, a woman for whom non-verbal communication is a speciality, it being the root of her fame.

According to Titmuss, who for those of without access to a search engine is the one former Blue Peter presenter John Leslie made out with earlier (on camera), poker is 50 per cent tells, tics and touch.

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Posted: 7th, July 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)


Madeleine McCann: More Evidence, Tony Parsons Knows And Claims

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann

DAILY MAIL: “McCanns win right to see key evidence about Madeleine’s disappearance held by police”

The parents of Madeleine McCann today won the right to see key documents held by police relating to her disappearance.

Won?

The McCanns had planned to take Leicestershire Police to the High Court but no case was heard as the force agreed to give them access to 81 pieces of information gathered as part of the investigation.

Progress? Elsewhere, in the same online article:

The couple, who are both 40, are not expected to attend today’s hearing in London before Mrs Justice Hogg…The hearing is scheduled to take place in the High Court’s family division, although it will be held in open court.

Such is the news.

DAILY MIRROR
: “Portuguese police to rule out Madeleine McCann abduction theory”

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Posted: 7th, July 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (522)


Big Brother 9: Alex De Gale And The Daily Star

BIG Brother 9 Watch: Anorak’s looks at Big Brother news in the media…

“BIG BRUV GANGSTA GIRL ALEX OUT TO GET JEN.”

“Evicted babe fears revenge attacks over bitch insults.”

If Big Bruv’s gansta girl Alex is upset at being called a bitch is she about to pop a cap in da ass of Da Daylee Starr’s Big Brother reporting team, innit tho?

The Star is the “official Big Brother newspaper” and its word on who is and who is not a bitch is final.

Posted: 7th, July 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)