Anorak

The Consumer | Anorak - Part 100

The Consumer Category

We bring you the chic and unique, the best and most bizarre shopping offers both online and offline. We offer you tips on where to buy, and some of the less mainstream and crazy, individual and offbeat items on the internet. Anything that can be bought and sold can be featured here. And we love showcasing the best and worst art and design.

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley’s Incredible Photos Are Robot Porn

ROSIE Huntington-Whiteley is taking over form Megan fox as the object of teenage boys’ adolescent daydreams as the Tansformers’ films love interest. She is also the face of Burberry, and the backside, bra, bosom and thighs of Victoria’s Secret, The Plymouth-born lovely is the face of the Incredible bra, a bra so incredible that you can’t take you eyes off it no matter how much buttock Rosie shows you. Try it. It’s as if the bra follow you around the room…

Spotter: Stylebrity

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Posted: 12th, August 2010 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comment


Jedward Work As Foamy Gnome Ballast: Pictures

JEDWARD, the epitome of Simon Cowell’s gift to music and NOT mephedrone freaks have been launching the Rowntree’s Randoms ‘Foamy Gnome on the Roam’ tour, in Richmond Park. The Foamy Gnome has left his flatmates, Jedward, behind and is off on a random adventure in his giant hot air balloon. Is this the future for Jedward: ballast? The only way is down.  Stay tuned…

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ALTERNATE CROP. John and Edward Grimes, better known as Jedward, during a photocall to launch the Rowntree's Randoms 'Foamy Gnome on the Roam' tour, in Richmond Park.

Posted: 12th, August 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (2)


Property Porn Pictures: A Look Inside London’s £140m Flat At One Hyde Park

PROPERTY porn time, readers, as we take you inside the world’s most expensive flat, a £140m property on the Knightsbridge side of London’s Hyde Park (dyslexic readers may read Hype Park).

The compact and bijou residence is a unit on Christian and Nick Candy’s latest development, One Hyde Park.

For just over £6,000 per square foot, the two-floor apartment has four bedrooms, a tunnel connecting you to the neighbouring Mandarin Oriental Hotel, floor-to-ceiling windows, a McLaren dealership downstairs, SAS-trained security guards (not in the SAS but trained by the SAS – so not that impressive), bullet-proof windows, an air purifier to combat poison gas attacks and the passing bus emissions, a panic room to feed your persecution complex, and shiny bell on the front door.

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Posted: 11th, August 2010 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comments (5)


The Sexy C-String For Your ‘Sexy Area’ – A Video

“THE Sexy C-String For Your Sexy Area” can be worn under “skirts, dresses etcetera”…

Your present-a is vewy interwested in fings. Next stop for her, readin’ der whevver on channall fyve in her C-string…

Small, medium or large? Or all three at once?

C is for ‘Comfi’, as in Anorak’s ownbrand of trousers, the Comfi-Slax.

The Other Products You Missed:

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Posted: 4th, August 2010 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comment


Marks & Spencer’s Plus Fit Range For Fat Kids Is Typo Of The Year

MARKS & Spencer’s is offering for sale a uniform for the fat. They’ve beaten Gerry Cottle to it.

M&S is selling school blazers for obese three-year-olds and school uniforms in a size 18.

Says one shopper:

“I’ve been waiting for his my whole adult life, as has the entire pervert community. We’ve been demanding uniforms for big women and now, finally, M& S has brought them to market. The difficulty in finding uniforms to fit big-boned wives is well documented in our newsletter, TOSS (The Onanist Society Syndicate).

“Here’s to fat nurses, fat nuns and massively chunky cowgirls”

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Posted: 26th, July 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment


Lucozade Linked To Hyperacticity: Pushy Parents Rush To Buy Stocks

HAPPY days for mums and dads looking to make their sons the next Wayne Rooney – the makers of Lucozade and Irn-Bru tells parents that the drinks may cause hyperactivity.

It’s no guarantee – but fingers crossed that without enough Lucozade and Irn Bru in his diet by the time Armani takes to the pitch he’ll be so charged up  and off his face he’ll make our Wayne look as docile as, well Wayne Rooney at the World Cup.

Warning: Lucozade does not work on everyone – a fact illustrated by Alan Shearer who despite endorsing the drink looks to be barely alive when talking in a TV capacity while seated.

A newly introduced EU law enforces Lucozade and Irn Bru to carry “warnings” (surely a promise? – ed) that the drinks can cause young children to go bonkers, running about and screaming obscenities.

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Posted: 25th, July 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment


Subtle Butt Is Your Personal Fart Neutralizer, With Video

YOU’VE experienced the wonder of “The Fart-Eating Blanket For A Better Marriage”. Now thrill to the Subtle Butt a filtering system for your anal emissions.

Says the blurb:

“Subtle Butt” is a piece of fabric that has undergone activated carbon anti-microbial treatment. When inserted into underwear, these small pieces promise to absorb and neutralize gas and odors before they escape from your clothing and, well, escape into the surroundings. Result? Your intestinal distress is only for you to know.

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Posted: 22nd, July 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (4)


Elvis Presley’s Autopsy Is For Sale: Pictures

THANKS to the good people at Leslie Hindman Auctioneers, you can buy some of the instruments used on Elvis Presley autopsy. It being what the King would have wanted. On August 12, 2010 – “just four days before the anniversary of the entertainer’s death” – you can buy some Memphis memorabilia.

All of the items used in the autopsy and funeral preparations will be offered at auction, including: rubber gloves, forceps, lip brushes, comb and eye liner, needle injectors, an arterial tube and aneurysm hooks. According to the owner, the items were used only once.

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Posted: 21st, July 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (2)


Naked Meaty Peta Dumb Animal Pamela Anderson Is Banned In Canada: Pictures

PAMELA Anderson’s Peta vegetarian advert is banned in Canada. In the “sexist” adverts – which is not banned on Anorak – Pammy is inviting a cosmetic surgeon/ butcher to get to work on her “rump”, “ribs” and “breast”.

Sexiest Adverts (NSFW)

Meat eaters might well baulk at chomping on middle-aged, sun-dried Pammy and all those additives. And get a load of the slogan – “All Animals Have The Same Parts“. Well, yes, but Pammy has paid good money to have her parts bigger, more and coated in a special browning agent.

Sexy Foods

Canadian politicos on Montreal see the sign and tell Peta that it goes against the “battle of equality between men and women“. Anderson calls it “puritanical“:

“In a city that is known for its exotic dancing and for being progressive and edgy, how sad that a woman would be banned from using her own body in a political protest over the suffering of cows and chickens.”

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Posted: 17th, July 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)


World Cup Press Release Of The Day: The Three Lions Salad

THE World Cup is over – and it was over for England well before it as over for Spain. But how can the football be sued to sell ptroduct? McCann Erickson tries:

While the Three Lions failed to set the pitch alight in South Africa, McCann Erickson PR managed to bring football home – backing the star signing to Britain’s World Cup BBQs this summer with the official England Three Lions Salad.”

The three lions salad if limp, lifeless and covered in stale has-beans…

Posted: 15th, July 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment


Rochdale Shopping Centre Installs The Iranian Squat Toilets

THE Rochdale Exchange has introduced Iranian toilets to capture the shoppers’ weapons of mass destruction.

The Iranian toilet is also known as the squat toilet, or the Nile pan. The user does not sit on the seat but rather hovers over a hole. The thrill of the aim cannot be overlooked. Men now have the option to chase the blue brickette in the urinal trough or enact a bombing run over Tehran.

The Manchester Evening News reports:

Community activist Ghulam Rasul Shahzad said managers decided to offer a wider range of WCs after attending one of his training courses.

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Posted: 14th, July 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (3)


The Worst, Sexy, Weird And Greatest Company Names

PRESENTING a gallery of the world’s most unfortunate company names. You’ve seen the perverted company logos. You’ve thrilled to Ginger Minge and her nominative determinism class. You’re ready…

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Posted: 7th, July 2010 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comments (5)


Madonna’s Photos For Dolce & Gabbana: The D&G Foreskin Head Sock

MADONNA is back for more youthful fashion adverts, this time for Dolce & Gabbana. The D&G Madge Veil is available by mail order from D&GBabyPereneum.com. In one picture, Madge is handling a cock, perhaps trying to milk it for a serum. In another she is drinking a tincture of snakes’ eyeballs and toe of newborn panda. In another she is plucking the infant’s foreskin to use as a neck sock. The pick of the pictures is the one in which the old woman hidden in the D&G atelier is seen stitching the D&G Veil by hand. Doctors Nip ‘n’ Tuck look on with a keen eye…

Madonna’s Untouched Face For Louis Vuitton: Photos
Madonna Pays Homage To Susan Boyle’s Cat In Dolce And Gabbana Ads: Pictures

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Posted: 6th, July 2010 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comment


The Most Useless Female Products Ever

RETAILERS loves the sexes because they can package the same item two ways. Razor for him. A vibrating dildo razor for her. We kid you not. In this gallery of the worst female-only products of all time, we see the jean thongs, the biscuit that makes your breast grow faster than your bum, the urine cup and the smile trainer that teaches your glum mouth how to smile. Sits back in your female chair in your female Comfi-Slax and flick through the catalogue, femininely…

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Run!

Via,via,via,via,via,via,via, via and.

Posted: 24th, June 2010 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comment


The Funniest Receipts Ever

DO enjoy this collection of receipts with humorous inserts and plain wrong details. The waitress is “slow but tries”. That fine wine you bought in the bottle shop is “cat’s wee” to the store’s owner. What do you do with “Batman Sperm”? The stuff you can buy at Wal-Mart is banned in many states and jurisdictions. Thank you for reading. Hurry on back, yer’al…

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Posted: 24th, June 2010 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comment


The Moosical Beads Dirty Cow Toy Teaches Babies About Sex

THE Moosical Beads toy sings a song for the kiddies called “Learning colours and sex, yippee!”

SHOCKED mum” is Jodie Cairns, 20. She and her partner Zac Walker, also 20, “couldn’t believe their ears” as the toy taught four-month-old Ethan to sing-alonga-shag.

Says Miss Cairns:

“Ethan’s grandma bought the toy from Tesco in March as a present, but we didn’t get it out of the box because he was too little. Then yesterday we started playing with it and we noticed that it appeared to be saying ‘sex’.

Remove the batteries and toss it into the bin with the other filth. Or:

“We listened to it again and again and thought ‘Oh my God’. It’s shocking – what if my boy had been a lot older? What would they say about us as parents.”

If they boy were a lot older playing with this toy, we’d say he had other issues.

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Posted: 22nd, June 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (2)


02 Sends Letter To Woman Called ‘Mr Pedo File’: Nominative Determinism Wins

THE letter from 02, the mobile phone company, is addressed to Bolton resident ‘Mr Pedo File’. No, not nominative determinism, mums and dads. and not Mr Paedo File, a domestic predator.

The story is not that generous. Jack Meoff, the ingenious Hakim Quick, Ms Porn and Mr Phani Tikkala are ok.

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Posted: 21st, June 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment


The World’s Worst Product Names, Presented By Only Puke Chips

WE now continue your look at nominative determinism in consumer goods with some more Sexy Foods and products. You will learn that Terror comes in a variety of flavours, an OAP tasts better in sauce, older boys love Oily Boy, Puke is served in bags and a Double Cock is a Keeper.

Logos – World’s Worst 
Latte Faces

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Posted: 21st, June 2010 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comments (3)


Hello Kitty Engine Oil Is Coming To Kill The Birds

DOES your car have Hello Kitty engine oil? Does it deserve it? Are you a pryromaniac looking for edge?

Cats kill birds –  not just sea bird.

CATS!!!

Hello Kitty Engine oil – Yes its for real

Posted: 21st, June 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)


South Africa Gets The Rape-aXe Comdom With Teeth To Fight Rape

IN South Africa, Dr. Sonnet Ehlers has developed a condom with teeth to combat rape. Dr Ehlers recalls a meeting with a rape victim who proved to be her inspiration:

“She looked at me and said, ‘If only I had teeth down there… I promised her I’d do something to help people like her one day.”

Fake Chinese Condoms Lubricated With Vegetable Oil

Et voila! The Rape-aXe is here. Forty years later, Rape-aXe was born. (Here comes the chopper to chop off your…chopper…)

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Posted: 21st, June 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (3)


Fake Chinese Condoms Lubricated With Vegetable Oil

FANCY buying a bootleg Torjan condom. Anorak’s Man in a New York pickle writes:

IF you’ve ever been to New York’s Chinatown, you know it’s the place to buy bootleg designer clothing and the latest faux Luis Vuitton totes or Hermes Birkin bags.

Turns out it’s also a good place to buy Trojan condoms for next to nothing. Problem is, the Trojans are as phony as the Fendis.

In a crack down on Chinese-made fashion knockoffs, the feds also discovered more than a half-million bootleg condoms.

And it gets worse.

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Posted: 19th, June 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment


The Driffield Porn Burger Caravan Gives Customers A Free Porn Film With Every Burger And Drink

TO the porn fast-food caravan in Driffield, East Yorkshire – aka the Driffield Porn Burger Caravan – where all customers are, allegedly, given a free porn DVD if they spent more than £5 on food and drink.

The Driffield Times quotes Sgt David Jenkins:

“We received complaints that free porn DVDs were being offered to everyone who spent £5 or more on beer and burgers.”

Complaints?

“Undercover officers made test purchases and found this to be true before Saturday night’s operation when the caravan was seized.”

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Posted: 18th, June 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (2)


Ascot Hats In Pictures: The Sheikh Who Mistook Turn Ups For A Hat

BEFORE you get to see the hats of Ascot perched atop the head of knobs and knobesses – and few interlopers in clingy dresses and shiny shoes – a word on Sheikh Mohammed Bin Rashid Al Maktoum and his entourage (picture 13). The trousers, lads. The trousers are huge. There is room for growth in those trousers – personal as well as physical; you could camp in them on a Duke of Edinburgh Award Scheme weekender. Les sis more, lads. So, to the hats. Seagulls (and pheasants – picture 4) – fire at will…

Note: reader Dairy points out that the trousered Sheikh is with… Princess Bint. No, not Sarah Ferguson. She’s only a Duchess….

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Ladies arrive dressed in hats on Ladies Day of The Royal Ascot Meeting 2010

Posted: 18th, June 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (3)


Lithuania Labels Exported Food With Official Swastika – Marketing Fail

LITHUANIA loves the swastika. It invites you to eat the swastika. In Moscow, you can buy imported Lithuanian food with the swastika on it – a kite mark for murderous hate and civic pride. Oh, no. the swastika is not Nazi symbol, adopted by Lithuanian death squads in World War 2. The swastika is part of the country’s heritage. So says the Klaipeda court. Still, as marketing goes, it could be better…

Puke Chips – The World’s Worst Product Names

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Posted: 15th, June 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (9)


Inappropriate Child’s Toy Of The Day: The Orgasmic Toy Truck

INAPPROPRIATE Child’s Toy of the Day is the orgasmic truck. You’ve seen the sexy puzzle. You’ve sung along with the “Fuck With Me” toy teddy.You’ve read about the toy gun cosh. You’ve built an atomic bomb in your bedroom.

You’ve petted a dead cat. You bought a killer hamster. You thrilled to the Hamas suicide bomber children’s telly show. You lulled the nippers with PediState. You got perforated eardrums from the ballon gun. You got stoopid bricks. You got one of them. And you taught junior to swear like a parrot. Now:

Posted: 10th, June 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment