The Consumer | Anorak - Part 101

The Consumer Category

We bring you the chic and unique, the best and most bizarre shopping offers both online and offline. We offer you tips on where to buy, and some of the less mainstream and crazy, individual and offbeat items on the internet. Anything that can be bought and sold can be featured here. And we love showcasing the best and worst art and design.

Durham Tees Valley Airport Charges Passengers To Use Departure Lounge And Windows

FOR £6 per adults and just £2 per child, passengers leaving AND arriving at Durham Tees Valley Airport get to sit on space-age modular furniture; be felt up by a security guard and enjoy the dick-measuring service; try on sunglasses at the Alpha Shopping experience; visit a British theme pub the Yard of Ale (NO metres in this proud British hostelry, eh, readers!); or pretend to be actually moving on a simulated video game at the Game Grind video game arena.


Unmetered walking
Use of windows
Use of floor
Use of ceilings
And much much more!!!!

On the airport website, there is advice and warnings:

What happens if a passenger refuses to pay this charge?
The airport reserves the right to refuse access to the Departure Lounge to any passenger. All departing passengers must purchase a PFF ticket and present this to staff in order to pass through Airport security and access the Departure Lounge.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 16th, November 2010 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comments (3)

Israeli Shop Offers Free Sheep For Every Fridge Sold

IN Israel anyone at the buying a fried costing 1,000 shekels (£200-ish) or more from a Tiberias electrical outlet qualifies for a free sheep.

The promotion is aimed at sheep enthusiasts and Israeli Arab customers looking to make a killing at the Eid al-Adha, the Islamic festival of sacrifice.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 16th, November 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

Amazon Sells ‘Pedo’ Book: Our Gardens Of Flesh: From the Seeds of Lust Springs The Harvest Of Love

THE Pedophile (Paedophile) training manual is no longer being sold on Amazon. But you can buy the same author’s Our Gardens of Flesh: From the Seeds of Lust Springs the Harvest of Love at the online store. It’s $5.51. All profits got to shareholders.

Meanwhile, The Pedophile’s Guide to Love and Pleasure: a Child-lover’s Code of Conduct is a big media talking point.

The tome’s author is Philip R. Greaves, 47. He’s a former nurse’s aide from Pueblo, Colorado.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 11th, November 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

Amazon’s Pedo Guide Confuses Paedophiles

IF you are thinking of buying a book for Christmas, there’s always The Pedophile’s Guide to Love and Pleasure: a Child-lover’s Code of Conduct. You can buy it from Amazon for $4.79. Or at least you could before there was a media shit storm and it was removed from sale.

Now budding paedos – you say color, we saw colour; you say here’s a book about pedo’s; we say, ‘What about the British Paedos? How will they ever learn?”

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 11th, November 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (4)

The Spastic Transformer: And Other Inappropriate Children’s Toys

JUST in time for Christmas the new Transformers toy calls Spastic. Now there is one for everyone. Spastic is available in the USA, where Bleeding Cool’s Rich Johnston says the word is not used. Yet.

Add it to the gallery of inappropriate toys:


Picture 1 of 12

Posted: 11th, November 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (8)

Cat Sweaters: Jumpers Of Worry (A Gallery)

YOU can tell a lot about someone by the state of their cat knitted jumper. No, not knitted by a cat. Not yet – although chopsticks are a start. No, these are sweaters that carry a likeness of a cat. Anyone who wears one is instantly revealed to be sensitive, caring, covered in cat hair and no pal of dogs. Have you got a cat jumper? If you have send us your photo…

spotter: Stylebrity


Picture 1 of 17

Posted: 10th, November 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)

Books For Christmas: Stasha Palos’ Post-Feminist Irony Pudding

STASHA Palos, is now just Sir Philip Green’s step-daughter, she is StashaButterfly, author of How to Feed a Man.

Stasha is making a play to be the new Nigella Lawson. But while Nigella creates great eats to nourish the family and figure with sex appeal,  Stasha relies on post-feminist irony to get away with her stuff. The PR calls it “a nod to post-feminist sensibilities”.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 9th, November 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)

The Dirty Old Man’s Walking Stick Hits Preston

THE stalking stick – aka the ‘Dirty Old Man’s Walking Stick’ – is wooden stick with a mirror attacked that allows men (young or old) to peer up skirts and kilts.

You can buy a Stalking Stick in Preston’s Gimmegizmo gadgets and dirty old man kit shoppe. The kit offers “hours of pleasure” and:

“If you’re a dirty old man and feeling the stress, find a pretty girl and look up her dress!”

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 8th, November 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)

Bolton’s Votes Pastie Barm Top Food: Ormskirk In Quiche Shame

THE results are in and the number one food delicacy in Bolton is the… pastie barm. For non Boltonians this is a pastie in a bread muffin.

Greenhalgh’s bakers has the full results. Invading spies looking to blend in, pay attention:

Bolton: pastie barm
Wigan: pie
Accrington: steak puddings
Leyland: butter pies
Ormskirk: quiche and spicy vegetable soup


Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 5th, November 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)

Is London Ready To Adopt The Two-Speed Pavements New York Joked About?

READY for a two-speed Oxford Street? The Wall Street Journal has the most dumb PR-led story of the day as it tells of plans to turn Oxford Street’s pavements into a dual carriage: one slow lane for shoppers; one faster lane for workers and “residents”. The idea was mooted for New York as a spoof. Will London run with it for real? Well, no.

Take that comment on “residents” walking down Oxford Street. Only tourists and teenagers looking for Top Shop walk down Oxford Street. The rest walk down Wigmore Street to the north and then cross Oxford Street as one might jump a freshly laid dog turd or muddle puddle.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 3rd, November 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

The Made-To-Measure Dildo Is A Thing That Exists

STEPHANIE Dorr makes made-to-measure dildos. Says Dorr:

“Handmade is always the best. Even our grandmother knew that. A product made with passion gives more passion.”

And what is more passionate than a rubber knob?

“I remember seeing one for the first time and wondering why they only came in one shape and one colour.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 3rd, November 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

Selfridges ‘Rip-Off’ Frank Sidebottom’s Family: Offer £10,000 ‘Donation’

FRANK Sidebottom is dead (and so is papier-mache-topped Chris Sievey) and Selfridges’ London store is accused of ripping off his work for their Christmas window display. Hey, it’s what he would have wanted.

Selfridges says the creations are the work of one Erin Thompson, who aims to “awake the child within”. And you thought they were just designed to flog merchandise. Erin is the “Head of Visual at Selfridges”.

Jon Ronson, the writer surmises:

“Chris has only just died and I think it is most unfair. Apparently there was a grandiose press release but no mention of Frank. It just seems callous to me to plagiarise someone who has just died. The displays are clearly modelled on Frank. There is no question about it. It comes across as a rip-off.”

What says Selfridges, which has now paid a £10,000 “donation” (no, not a fee – a donation) to the Sidebottom estate? Well, a spokesman for Selfridges says:

“We were concerned to hear of the similarities between the heads on some of the mannequins in our new Christmas display and that of the Frank Sidebottom character created by Chris Sievey.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 1st, November 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

Booze And Driving Lessons: Businesses That Go Together In Photos

WHAT made key cutting go hand-in-hand with shoe repair? What other businesses go together? We’ve compiled a photo list. Donuts and dry cleaning? Why, yes. Driving school and booze shop. Defo. Pizza and guns? A franchise is born. And what better to rid the place of the stink of dogs and pets than smokes? Nothing. Where do we sign..?

Funny signs – Restaurant Ones


Picture 1 of 15

Posted: 1st, November 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

McDonald’s Worker Wins Compensation For Getting Fat

THE McDonald’s employee who gained 65lbs in 12 years of service for McDonald’s, Brazil, is to receive $17,500 in compensation from the company because he felt “forced to sample the food each day” –  for quality.

At least with all those preservatives in him he should live a long life…


Picture 1 of 14

Camembert Premiere (McDonald's, France)

Spotter: AP

Posted: 28th, October 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

Chinese Hotel Offers Grenade And Gas Mask On Room Service

THE room service menu at the Gold Grand China Hotel Guangzhou offers guests: soap dish, bath mat, ashtray, hand grenade, note pad…

Yeah. No bed?

Posted: 28th, October 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (2)

The Cardboard Toilet Roll Tube Is Dead: A History Of The Tube In Photos

THE cardboard toilet roll tube is dead. In the US, bum wipers, football fans and puppies are being turned to Scott Naturals Tube-Free toilet paper.

Kimberly-Clark makes the stuff. It’s brand manager Doug Daniels tells USA Today:

“[I] won’t disclose the tubeless technology used but says it’s a special winding process. A similar process is used on tissue the company sells to businesses but not to consumers.”

Tubeless toilet paper is one more way to pretend you’re working at an office and not in your pyjamas at home.

And what fo the toilet roll inner, that circle of cardboard that has been used to: grow carrots; make a puppet, Easter egg standsart, and masks?


Picture 1 of 14

Posted: 28th, October 2010 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comment (1)

Poster Adverts Improved by Graffiti: A Photo Collection

THAT poster says a lot about the brand. But with a bit of felt tip, that graffiti can say something else. It can say something funny, insightful or just plain adolescent. We’ve pulled together a gallery of posted improved by graffiti. Hope you enjoy them, especially No. 6…


Picture 1 of 28

Posted: 25th, October 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

American Fast Food Not Sold In The USA: A Gallery Of Eats

CHEAP protein in a polystyrene box the USA’s gift to the world. It has made us healthier. But while the Americans invent mass-produced fast food, the rest of the world perfects it. The Consumer looks at some adaptation of classic recipes feature in Burger King, McDonalds, Pizza Hut and more overseas food drops. REnjoy such delights as the Nacho Whopper (Holland), the Cheese Catsu Burger (McDonald’s, Japan) and the Tender Beef Pentagon (KFC, China)…


Picture 1 of 14

Camembert Premiere (McDonald's, France)

Posted: 25th, October 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

The Live Crab Vending Machine: Things That Exist

THE live crab vending machine – coming to a service station near you!

IN Nanjing, China, you can buy a live Shanghai Hairy Crab from a vending machine outside train stations. It’s the emergency pet that guarantees you a seat on the train.

The crabs are kept at 5°C, at which temperature they are believed to be in a state of hibernation.

Oh, and if you get a dead crab in a bag, the company will replace it with three live ones – enough to kickstart a home zoo.

Crabs retails at $1.50 to $7.50 each, depending on size.

The Weirdest Vending Machines Dispense Gold, Drugs, Used Panties And Breasts

The Prostitute Vending Machine

Posted: 23rd, October 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)

The Wichita Logo Looks Like No American Breast We’ve Seen

TO Wichita, where some says the logo for the new Century II performing arts and convention centre looks like a female breast. Says City Council Member Jeff Longwell: “I think we need to revisit it.”

Indeed, in the US no female breast looks like this. Were the logo to reflect the modern female form the nipple would be perched atop 37-feet high cone of the stuff those coat the Space Shuttle with. The logo looks like a shed on top of a hill.

Here are some other logos that may be suggestive to your dirty minds:


Picture 1 of 45

Posted: 22nd, October 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)

Kentucky Fried Chicken Halal: When KFC Met The EDL

WHEN Kentucky Fried Chicken trialled halal meat at a few of their Lancashire outlets (inc: Accrington, Blackburn, Colne and Burnley) the reaction was less than tasteful. There were protests. Muslim mums wept that now there was one less battier to their children eating junk food. Anti-Muslims screamed: “Keep Our Imported Fried Chicken English and Christian!” And then the English Defence League (EDL) got involved.

Anorak’s Karen has followed the story:

March 15 2010: It’s Not Muslim Chicken

In a statement the LCM (Lancashire Council of Mosques) said: “Upon researching KFC’s website, it is apparent the chickens are stunned before slaughter. This issue is of great concern to us because the halal criterion, adopted by LCM after wide consultation, does not allow stunning and this conforms to British law.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 22nd, October 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

PETA Threatens To Pour Lizard Blood Over Victoria Beckham

PETA plans to soak Victoria Beckham in lizard blood. Sticky Vicky’s bags are made from crocodile, lizard and calf leather.

We are no great fans of Posh but finding a use for chewy lizards is admirable. Take PETA, which can only think of using dead lizards as a protest. One mooted plan is for activists to pelt crocodile feet at her when she goes to an editors’ lunch in London next month.

Posh might well scoff. Tossing feet is so ordinary. Better to fashion them into a darling purse, ball boxes for David or uses the claws a hair grips of him and for her.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 19th, October 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (5)

Halloween: How To Create The Best Outfit (A Gallery)

HALLOWEEN costumes: Having brought you the most revolting costumes, we know take a look at people who came up with other great outfits. A few pointers – and we agree with Brian Moylan – do not dress as: a Chilean miner (dress as Chile’s president – far scarier); anything tarty is just tarty (if you want to be a tarty robot of witch, just forget it and go as a prostitute and be done with it); and the more homemade the costume is, the better.

And if you want to shock and alarm – take a look here.


Picture 1 of 15

Posted: 18th, October 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

M&S Clientele Meet The Poundland Mob In Blackburn Sale Stempede

FOR 90 minutes Marks & Spencer is flogging stuff for £1. People arrive. It’s a scramble. Manager David Wilkinson is wonderfully snotty:

It was not our normal cust-omer base and their behaviour was not what we’ve come to expect from Marks and Spencer customers.

You mean paying through the nose and then being asked to buy a fucking bag to put the stuff in?

“Staff commented that those purchasing final reduction items were a little bit more enthusiastic than normal in their appetite to get at the sale stock.”

As reader Karen says: Snobbery of the highest degree.

Posted: 16th, October 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

Estonian Clinic Uses Real Life Before And After Women: Fat Is Bad

THOSE before and after adverts just got fleshier and bonier. In Estonia, this health clinic has emplyed two women – one before and one after – to hand out leaflets.

In case you failed to realise that thin in better, the chubbier model has “BEFORE” written on her stomach. Stick the message on her chest and see which one men prefer…

Spotter: Adfreak, via Gawker

Posted: 15th, October 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)