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The Consumer | Anorak - Part 101

The Consumer Category

We bring you the chic and unique, the best and most bizarre shopping offers both online and offline. We offer you tips on where to buy, and some of the less mainstream and crazy, individual and offbeat items on the internet. Anything that can be bought and sold can be featured here. And we love showcasing the best and worst art and design.

Fake Chinese Condoms Lubricated With Vegetable Oil

FANCY buying a bootleg Torjan condom. Anorak’s Man in a New York pickle writes:

IF you’ve ever been to New York’s Chinatown, you know it’s the place to buy bootleg designer clothing and the latest faux Luis Vuitton totes or Hermes Birkin bags.

Turns out it’s also a good place to buy Trojan condoms for next to nothing. Problem is, the Trojans are as phony as the Fendis.

In a crack down on Chinese-made fashion knockoffs, the feds also discovered more than a half-million bootleg condoms.

And it gets worse.

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Posted: 19th, June 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment


The Driffield Porn Burger Caravan Gives Customers A Free Porn Film With Every Burger And Drink

TO the porn fast-food caravan in Driffield, East Yorkshire – aka the Driffield Porn Burger Caravan – where all customers are, allegedly, given a free porn DVD if they spent more than £5 on food and drink.

The Driffield Times quotes Sgt David Jenkins:

“We received complaints that free porn DVDs were being offered to everyone who spent £5 or more on beer and burgers.”

Complaints?

“Undercover officers made test purchases and found this to be true before Saturday night’s operation when the caravan was seized.”

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Posted: 18th, June 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (2)


Ascot Hats In Pictures: The Sheikh Who Mistook Turn Ups For A Hat

BEFORE you get to see the hats of Ascot perched atop the head of knobs and knobesses – and few interlopers in clingy dresses and shiny shoes – a word on Sheikh Mohammed Bin Rashid Al Maktoum and his entourage (picture 13). The trousers, lads. The trousers are huge. There is room for growth in those trousers – personal as well as physical; you could camp in them on a Duke of Edinburgh Award Scheme weekender. Les sis more, lads. So, to the hats. Seagulls (and pheasants – picture 4) – fire at will…

Note: reader Dairy points out that the trousered Sheikh is with… Princess Bint. No, not Sarah Ferguson. She’s only a Duchess….

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Ladies arrive dressed in hats on Ladies Day of The Royal Ascot Meeting 2010

Posted: 18th, June 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (3)


Lithuania Labels Exported Food With Official Swastika – Marketing Fail

LITHUANIA loves the swastika. It invites you to eat the swastika. In Moscow, you can buy imported Lithuanian food with the swastika on it – a kite mark for murderous hate and civic pride. Oh, no. the swastika is not Nazi symbol, adopted by Lithuanian death squads in World War 2. The swastika is part of the country’s heritage. So says the Klaipeda court. Still, as marketing goes, it could be better…

Puke Chips – The World’s Worst Product Names

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Posted: 15th, June 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (9)


Inappropriate Child’s Toy Of The Day: The Orgasmic Toy Truck

INAPPROPRIATE Child’s Toy of the Day is the orgasmic truck. You’ve seen the sexy puzzle. You’ve sung along with the “Fuck With Me” toy teddy.You’ve read about the toy gun cosh. You’ve built an atomic bomb in your bedroom.

You’ve petted a dead cat. You bought a killer hamster. You thrilled to the Hamas suicide bomber children’s telly show. You lulled the nippers with PediState. You got perforated eardrums from the ballon gun. You got stoopid bricks. You got one of them. And you taught junior to swear like a parrot. Now:

Posted: 10th, June 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment


The Shepherd’s Loaf Retails At £21: More Bread Than Sense

THE Shepherd’s Loaf costs £21. It is a normal sized loaf. If the Shepherd’s Loaf sells, money raised will feed a shepherd for a week. The Shepherd’s loaf comes in a box, a cardboard box.

The Shepherd’s Loaf is a loaf on a mission to guide people to a better kind of bread. Bread that is simply and slowly made with local ingredients to give you a perfect loaf.

What’s in it?

INGREDIENTS: Spelt flour, Cornish sea salt, and water.

STORAGE: This loaf will last at least a week, and is best on day 3.

AWARDS: Highly Commended at the Soil Associations Organic Food Awards 2009

Due to the lengthy baking process, we currently produce a limited batch of the Shepherd’s Loaf.

Meanwhile, Prince Charles has opened a new Highgrove Shop in Milsom Street, Bath. It’s his third store selling ordinary fare with an expensive price tag. If you’re off your loaf, you can shop there…

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Books for sale in the Highgrove Shop in Milsom Street, Bath.

Posted: 9th, June 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (3)


Time Magazine Is So Cheap It’s Almost A Free Gift

IS Time magazine something anyone actually reads?

YEARS ago I took out a subscription to Time mag just to get some free gifts – Christmas cracker stuff, as it turned out, writes Madame Arcati.

Long before I cancelled, unread issues lay about in neat piles. Its journalism looked and tasted like mystery meat: highly processed, glazed: not good for the blood pressure. Where was the individual voice? Harshly, I formed the view that anything it claimed or reported – or saw – was probably manufactured to suit its house style gospel. Such is the peril of writing and editing as if attired in a pulpit robe.

Time has never got(ten) over my rejection. Like so many of my ex-lovers, it does not take No for an answer. I hear a plaintive ululation at the door (OK, the letter plate needs oiling) and there on the mat lies yet another billet-doux from Time (Discount Services).

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Posted: 7th, June 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment


Chinese Foods Of Walmart: Crocodile Face, Pix ‘n’ Mix Meat And Live Frogs

WE’VE just got back from China where the food is plentiful and covered in a sauce so that you can’t tell what it is. As these pictures from a Walmart in China show, what’s under the sauce might be anything. And that sauce, might not be sauce. Get me a crocodile face sandwich and make it…

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Posted: 5th, June 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (2)


The World’s Greatest Paddling Pool: Pictures

SUMMER is here and with it the chance to catch rainwater in a paddling pool. Get a load of that’s swanky My First Inst-set pool. You can all your mates (two of them) can paddle way the balmy days. What can go wrong..?

Want to see what’s in the box? Next page, consumers…

Posted: 2nd, June 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment


Six Flags Bans Woman For Guns Tattoo But Exposes Kids To Violence?

THEY won’t allow Samantha Osborn, 30, into the Six Flags Over Texas fun park because she has a tattoo on her chest of a pair of six-shooters surrounded by yellow roses.

The Greatest Tattooed Mugshots Ever

Says she:

“I got it because I love Texas. I thought of cowboys and six-shooters and the yellow rose of Texas.”

She wanted to show off her tatts at the gun park:

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Posted: 28th, May 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment


Japanese McDonald’s Customer Weighs His Salt Content With Scales

DID you know that McDonald’s sell their chips by weight? The Japanese diner in our video wanted his full quota of 135 grams. He took along a set of scales and noted that he only been given 113 grams. He shows the manager who gives him lots more chips – the Micky D’s drone resisting the urge to make up the weight with salt or a huge greeny…

Posted: 15th, May 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment


Is KFC Promoting Low-Fat Insect Eating In London?

KENTUCKY Fried Chicken’s Leicester Square branch is not just about good chicken – it’s about flies, a mouse and cockroaches. KFC is nothing if not innovative. KFC might well be champion of entomophagy. The Double Down looked to be pinnacle of good eatin’ But add some protein-rich insects and it just gets better.

Good news for slimmers and anti-fat campaigners, you might suppose, as the fat content of the average KFC bucket is reduced – health inspectors even found one

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Posted: 12th, May 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment


Waterstones New Logo Is Average And White With Big Saggy Breasts

WATERSTONES has a new brand logo. The bookshop is going to save itself from the online onslaught by seducing customers with a huge pair of saggy breasts. The slogan is “Feel every word”. It might just work. A reader writes that the image dreamt up by those creative wizards reminds her of something else…

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Posted: 11th, May 2010 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comments (4)


Selfridge’s Paloma Faith, Florence & The Machine And Dizzee Rascal In Sounds Of The Mind

ANORAK’s favourite Chromatron Paloma Faith is sat in the window of London’s Selfridge’s department store. She’s in Dorothy’s stripper heels, Jimmy Savile’s hoisted up tracky bums and Mini Mouse’s muffs. It’s a look that can only catch on. Also there is Marina Diamandis, of Marina and the Diamonds. The project called Sounds of the Mind sees the likes of Florence & The Machine, Dizzee Rascal and Hot Chip created a display inspired by their songs. It’s look inside the mind of an artist. Police, the Obscene Publications Squad and the signers’ accountants have been contacted…

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Paloma Faith during the launch of a series of window displays at Selfridges', entitled 'Sounds of the Mind', in Oxford Street, central London.

Posted: 10th, May 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment


In Pictures: Harrods Under Al Fayed – Pussy Cat Dolls, Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Bra And Stuffed Bears

HARROD’S has been sold by Mohamed al Fayed for £1.5bn to a buyer understood to be the Qatari royal family. Will the shrine to Princess Diana and Dodi Fayed remain in the store? Will Al Fayed now also sell Fulham FC? Will he auction off his collection of vomit ‘n’ cuff shirts? Will Prince Philip use the hallowed urinals (£1 a go) once again? Fayed’s reign at Harrods seemed to be a chance for him to meet famous women and hand them something furry to stroke. On our photo collection, Fayed seemed to have more than passing liking for Jennifer Love Hewitt (11-13), the Pussy Cat Dolls, who all got pet a pussy to pet, Lily Allen (5) and all the girls he’s met before…

You find joy in the simplest pleasures.

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The Pussycat Dolls (from left: Melody, Carmit, Ashley, Nicole, Kimberley and Jessica) share a joke with store owner Mohammed Al Fayed as they open the Harrods Summer Sale, Harrods, west London.

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Posted: 8th, May 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)


The Most Sexually Suggestive Foods: An Updated Gallery

LET’S skip dinner and get right down to it. We can spend the tip on snacks. Anorak presents an updated gallery of the world’s most sexually suggestive foods and beverages – and some that are plain disgusting:

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Posted: 4th, May 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment


The Fart-Eating Blanket For A Better Marriage And Brilliant Testimonials

GET the Fart-Eating Blanket for a Better Marriage.

The Better Marriage Blanket is made using the same kind of activated carbon fabric found in Military Chemical Suits.

Testimonials:

“Its warm and it works!”
Nate and Kristina, NY

“I have had many restful nights of sleep since we tried the Blanket!
“This is amazing”. –Bonnie and Frank, NY

“Niether of us has had to spend a night on the couch for two weeks and its really warm!”
-Sam and Leanne, NY

“He said: “hey, my f—-s don’t smell anymore!”
Teresa and Frank, NY

“Amazing, Terrific!. I can sleep with myself now!”
Linda, NY

Also acts as a muffler…

Posted: 1st, May 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (3)


Muslims, Far Right, And Our England Today Unite To Boycott Kentucky Fried Chicken

MORE on the goings on at Lancashire’s Kentucky Fried Chicken outlets. Muslim group Lancashire Council of Mosques, the English Defence League and Our England Today all unite to gang up on KFC. This is progress. This is hamony.

“KFC has approval from the Halal Food Authority (HFA) but the LCM disagrees with the authority’s mechanical slaughtering and stunning methods.

Instead the LCM prefers the criteria of the Halal Monitoring Committee (HMC).”

Says reader Bat E Bird:

So that’s members of the EDL, Our England Today and the LCM who won’t eat it. I wonder what percentage of KFC’s customers they all add up to.

Story so far:

Blackburn’s Anti-Halal Kentucky Fried Chicken Demo: Everyone Battered

Preston Uprising: More On The Kentucky Fried Chicken Halal

KFC Debates Halal Chicken And The Colne Facebook Protest

Posted: 30th, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (3)


Inside Shanghai’s Obama Night Club: No Id Needed

THE new Obama club has opened in China and it is terrific. It’s the Obama-themed venue of choice. No proof of Id is needed, you can smoke in secret and sit around looking good. Would the Chinse launch mnroe politically themed night spots? Gordon Brown’s would be dull, but what about Berlusconi’s Bar And Roast?

Spotter

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Posted: 29th, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment


In Pictures: Dannii Minogue’s Project D Fashion Range

DANNII Minogue, the X Factor judge, unveiled her new fashion line Selfridges store in central London. It’s a clothing range called Project D. It was hard to see past Dani’s bulging tummy. We guessed that was the first clothing range for women who want to look pregnant. Dannii has a double “n”, double “i” and a pair of double “ds”. This new single D is a step in the right direction. Also there was DDaannii’ss designer Tabitha Somerset-Webb.

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Danni Minogue attends a photocall at Selfridges store in central London, to promote her new clothing range Project D.

Posted: 28th, April 2010 | In: Fashion | Comment (1)


Blackburn’s Anti-Halal Kentucky Fried Chicken Demo: Everyone Battered

BREAKING news in the KFC halal demo – No arrests at anti-halal demo at Blackburn KFC.

“According to police, the protest was organised by the English Defence League, although a similar event at a KFC in Preston was attributed to the Our England Today group.”

Says a reader: A whole 27 people. I wonder how many were eating inside or in the queue at the time.

Earlier: Preston Uprising: More On The Kentucky Fried Chicken Halal

Spotter: Battered Bird

Posted: 27th, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment


Delay Premature Ejaculation For Three Hours

PRILIGY is the pill to stop premature ejaculation. Just insert the pill into the end of your…

No. the Priligy 30mg tablet is delaying device. It’s £76 for a pack of three. The Sun, which publishes this fact as a gloried advertorial for a high street chain of chemists, says:

The drug, taken one to three hours before sex, is shown to make fellas last three times as long.

You take it noon. And at 3pm as you’re shaking hands with your granny… Delay premature ejaculation until…

Posted: 26th, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment


Ads: Areath Franklin And Liza Minnelli Diva The Snickers

ADVERT of the Week award goes to Snickers for this Diva creation featuring Aretha Franklin and Liza Minnelli. Look out for Amy Winehouse in a Flake advert…

Spotter

Posted: 24th, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment


Marmite Sues BNP And Hitler’s Tizer

WHAT do you have more: the BNP or Marmite? Not white Marmite – black marmite? A jar of Marmite appears in the top left-hand corner of a video broadcast on the BNP’s website. Says Marmite:

”It has been brought to our attention that the British National Party has included a Marmite jar in a political broadcast shown currently online.”

Hurrah. It’s the best of British!

”We want to make it absolutely clear that Marmite did not give the BNP permission to use a pack shot of our product in their broadcast. Neither Marmite nor any other Unilever brand are aligned to any political party.”

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Posted: 22nd, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)


The Backtacular Gluteal Cleft Shield Endorses Your Bum Crack

INTRODUCING the “Backtacular Gluteal Cleft Shield”, a sticker that prevents your bum crack from being visible over the top of your jeans. Now your arse crack can be endorsed. Fashionistas will love the sticker that costs just 11 euros. Cover your slit in glory. Or why not make your own with forgetfully dabbed hunk of toilet paper?

The Most Disgusting Tattoos (NSFW)
Tattoos – The Tramp Stamp
Tattoos: The Misspelled Ones

Spotter: Popbitch

Posted: 20th, April 2010 | In: Fashion | Comments (5)