The Consumer | Anorak - Part 105

The Consumer Category

We bring you the chic and unique, the best and most bizarre shopping offers both online and offline. We offer you tips on where to buy, and some of the less mainstream and crazy, individual and offbeat items on the internet. Anything that can be bought and sold can be featured here. And we love showcasing the best and worst art and design.

Waterstones New Logo Is Average And White With Big Saggy Breasts

WATERSTONES has a new brand logo. The bookshop is going to save itself from the online onslaught by seducing customers with a huge pair of saggy breasts. The slogan is “Feel every word”. It might just work. A reader writes that the image dreamt up by those creative wizards reminds her of something else…


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Posted: 11th, May 2010 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comments (4)

Selfridge’s Paloma Faith, Florence & The Machine And Dizzee Rascal In Sounds Of The Mind

ANORAK’s favourite Chromatron Paloma Faith is sat in the window of London’s Selfridge’s department store. She’s in Dorothy’s stripper heels, Jimmy Savile’s hoisted up tracky bums and Mini Mouse’s muffs. It’s a look that can only catch on. Also there is Marina Diamandis, of Marina and the Diamonds. The project called Sounds of the Mind sees the likes of Florence & The Machine, Dizzee Rascal and Hot Chip created a display inspired by their songs. It’s look inside the mind of an artist. Police, the Obscene Publications Squad and the signers’ accountants have been contacted…


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Paloma Faith during the launch of a series of window displays at Selfridges', entitled 'Sounds of the Mind', in Oxford Street, central London.

Posted: 10th, May 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

In Pictures: Harrods Under Al Fayed – Pussy Cat Dolls, Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Bra And Stuffed Bears

HARROD’S has been sold by Mohamed al Fayed for £1.5bn to a buyer understood to be the Qatari royal family. Will the shrine to Princess Diana and Dodi Fayed remain in the store? Will Al Fayed now also sell Fulham FC? Will he auction off his collection of vomit ‘n’ cuff shirts? Will Prince Philip use the hallowed urinals (£1 a go) once again? Fayed’s reign at Harrods seemed to be a chance for him to meet famous women and hand them something furry to stroke. On our photo collection, Fayed seemed to have more than passing liking for Jennifer Love Hewitt (11-13), the Pussy Cat Dolls, who all got pet a pussy to pet, Lily Allen (5) and all the girls he’s met before…

You find joy in the simplest pleasures.


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The Pussycat Dolls (from left: Melody, Carmit, Ashley, Nicole, Kimberley and Jessica) share a joke with store owner Mohammed Al Fayed as they open the Harrods Summer Sale, Harrods, west London.

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Posted: 8th, May 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)

The Most Sexually Suggestive Foods: An Updated Gallery

LET’S skip dinner and get right down to it. We can spend the tip on snacks. Anorak presents an updated gallery of the world’s most sexually suggestive foods and beverages – and some that are plain disgusting:


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Posted: 4th, May 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

The Fart-Eating Blanket For A Better Marriage And Brilliant Testimonials

GET the Fart-Eating Blanket for a Better Marriage.

The Better Marriage Blanket is made using the same kind of activated carbon fabric found in Military Chemical Suits.


“Its warm and it works!”
Nate and Kristina, NY

“I have had many restful nights of sleep since we tried the Blanket!
“This is amazing”. –Bonnie and Frank, NY

“Niether of us has had to spend a night on the couch for two weeks and its really warm!”
-Sam and Leanne, NY

“He said: “hey, my f—-s don’t smell anymore!”
Teresa and Frank, NY

“Amazing, Terrific!. I can sleep with myself now!”
Linda, NY

Also acts as a muffler…

Posted: 1st, May 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (3)

Muslims, Far Right, And Our England Today Unite To Boycott Kentucky Fried Chicken

MORE on the goings on at Lancashire’s Kentucky Fried Chicken outlets. Muslim group Lancashire Council of Mosques, the English Defence League and Our England Today all unite to gang up on KFC. This is progress. This is hamony.

“KFC has approval from the Halal Food Authority (HFA) but the LCM disagrees with the authority’s mechanical slaughtering and stunning methods.

Instead the LCM prefers the criteria of the Halal Monitoring Committee (HMC).”

Says reader Bat E Bird:

So that’s members of the EDL, Our England Today and the LCM who won’t eat it. I wonder what percentage of KFC’s customers they all add up to.

Story so far:

Blackburn’s Anti-Halal Kentucky Fried Chicken Demo: Everyone Battered

Preston Uprising: More On The Kentucky Fried Chicken Halal

KFC Debates Halal Chicken And The Colne Facebook Protest

Posted: 30th, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (3)

Inside Shanghai’s Obama Night Club: No Id Needed

THE new Obama club has opened in China and it is terrific. It’s the Obama-themed venue of choice. No proof of Id is needed, you can smoke in secret and sit around looking good. Would the Chinse launch mnroe politically themed night spots? Gordon Brown’s would be dull, but what about Berlusconi’s Bar And Roast?



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Posted: 29th, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

In Pictures: Dannii Minogue’s Project D Fashion Range

DANNII Minogue, the X Factor judge, unveiled her new fashion line Selfridges store in central London. It’s a clothing range called Project D. It was hard to see past Dani’s bulging tummy. We guessed that was the first clothing range for women who want to look pregnant. Dannii has a double “n”, double “i” and a pair of double “ds”. This new single D is a step in the right direction. Also there was DDaannii’ss designer Tabitha Somerset-Webb.


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Danni Minogue attends a photocall at Selfridges store in central London, to promote her new clothing range Project D.

Posted: 28th, April 2010 | In: Fashion | Comment (1)

Blackburn’s Anti-Halal Kentucky Fried Chicken Demo: Everyone Battered

BREAKING news in the KFC halal demo – No arrests at anti-halal demo at Blackburn KFC.

“According to police, the protest was organised by the English Defence League, although a similar event at a KFC in Preston was attributed to the Our England Today group.”

Says a reader: A whole 27 people. I wonder how many were eating inside or in the queue at the time.

Earlier: Preston Uprising: More On The Kentucky Fried Chicken Halal

Spotter: Battered Bird

Posted: 27th, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

Delay Premature Ejaculation For Three Hours

PRILIGY is the pill to stop premature ejaculation. Just insert the pill into the end of your…

No. the Priligy 30mg tablet is delaying device. It’s £76 for a pack of three. The Sun, which publishes this fact as a gloried advertorial for a high street chain of chemists, says:

The drug, taken one to three hours before sex, is shown to make fellas last three times as long.

You take it noon. And at 3pm as you’re shaking hands with your granny… Delay premature ejaculation until…

Posted: 26th, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

Ads: Areath Franklin And Liza Minnelli Diva The Snickers

ADVERT of the Week award goes to Snickers for this Diva creation featuring Aretha Franklin and Liza Minnelli. Look out for Amy Winehouse in a Flake advert…


Posted: 24th, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

Marmite Sues BNP And Hitler’s Tizer

WHAT do you have more: the BNP or Marmite? Not white Marmite – black marmite? A jar of Marmite appears in the top left-hand corner of a video broadcast on the BNP’s website. Says Marmite:

”It has been brought to our attention that the British National Party has included a Marmite jar in a political broadcast shown currently online.”

Hurrah. It’s the best of British!

”We want to make it absolutely clear that Marmite did not give the BNP permission to use a pack shot of our product in their broadcast. Neither Marmite nor any other Unilever brand are aligned to any political party.”

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Posted: 22nd, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)

The Backtacular Gluteal Cleft Shield Endorses Your Bum Crack

INTRODUCING the “Backtacular Gluteal Cleft Shield”, a sticker that prevents your bum crack from being visible over the top of your jeans. Now your arse crack can be endorsed. Fashionistas will love the sticker that costs just 11 euros. Cover your slit in glory. Or why not make your own with forgetfully dabbed hunk of toilet paper?

The Most Disgusting Tattoos (NSFW)
Tattoos – The Tramp Stamp
Tattoos: The Misspelled Ones

Spotter: Popbitch

Posted: 20th, April 2010 | In: Fashion | Comments (5)

Coca Cola Brings You The Taste Of Karl Lagerfeld

THANKS to Coca-Cola Light, we now have answer to the perennial question: “What does Karl Lagerfeld taste of?”

To our minds, the Chanel designer looked like he tastes of essence of cloves over a base notes of wet rubber sheeting. But it turns out the man in the know is blend of vegetable flavourings, sugary substances, cola extract, bubbles and aluminium.

Says the bottle:

“The designer affixes his style and his famous silhouette on the bottle and delivers an exclusive creation with chic lines and also a unique box in limited edition, accompanied with a bottle-opener discreetly hidden in a drawer.”

Buy it via Colette for $60. Goes with th Karl love doll – look for it in our gallery below:


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Posted: 19th, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (2)

In Pictures: Grace Kelly: Style Icon Exhibition Arrives In London’s V&A

JOAN Collins was the star turn at the Victoria & Albert Museum in central London, for a private viewing of ‘Grace Kelly: Style Icon‘, an exhibition about the life of Princess Grace of Monaco. Also there was walking raindrop Ringo Starr arrives and his wife Barbara, Charlene Wittstock and Prince Albert of Monaco, the tireless (it says here) Countess of Wessex, and the The Weed In Tweed that is Prince Edward.


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Joan Collins arrives at the private view of Grace Kelly: Style Icon, at the Victoria and Albert Museum in central London.

Also there: Nancy Dell’Olio, Dasha Zhukova, Danielle De Niese, Paul Smith Ringo Starr and Barbara Bach

Posted: 16th, April 2010 | In: Fashion | Comment

Walkers World Cup Crisps Skip The Pudding

WALKERS has a new range of flavours out in time for the World Cup. It’s a national dish explosion. No Scotland, which means no roast Mars Bar and lard flavour; and no Zimbabwe either, depriving crisp adventurers of the taste of burnt skin. What there are, however, are these flavours: French Garlic Baguette crisps, Dutch Edam Cheese, English Roast Beef and Yorkshire Pudding, America Cheeseburger’ Brazilian Salsa, German Bratwurst Sausage, Argentinean Flame Grilled Steak and Japanese Teriyaki Chicken.

As you can see, no afters. But how can you have any sweets if you don’t eat your meat? Cheap protein all round!


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Posted: 15th, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)

For Sale: Marilyn Monroe’s Chest X-Ray

TO Julien’s Auctions in Las Vegas to bid for Marilyn Monroe’s chest X-Ray from 1954.

Also for sale, Monroe’s vat of Channel #5, and her therapist’s chair.

Spotter: Animal NY

X Ray Horror

Posted: 14th, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (2)

In Pictures: Miranda Kerr Undoes The Peado Bikini

MIRANDA Kerr shows you that you don’t need the Paedo Bikini to look younger. Miranda Kerr is wearing a bikini for Ayyildiz Swimwear. So great is the bikini that in open still Miranda looks keen to escape it. She undoes the ties but – no, no – this is not soft porn: this is bikini modelling at the bleeding edge. Get a load of that bikini that makes everyone who wears it look like Miranda Kerr. Stretch to fit…

Miranda Kerr in pictures (NSFW)


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Spotter: Ego-tastic

Posted: 14th, April 2010 | In: Fashion, Key Posts | Comment

Lisa Murphy’s Tactile Minds Is Porn Guess Who: Pictures

HAVING thumbed our braille copy of Playboy, and enjoyed many games of Porn Guess Who (TM), and Blind Man’s Muff, we now deliver a copy of Lisa Murphy’s Tactile Minds. The book for the blind has images of woman and men in the buff. Thanks to advances in cosmetic surgery and porn, you can achieve the same book with bubble wrap and a pump.


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Posted: 14th, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)

With Primark’s Peado Bikini You Can Look Years Younger

WHO wants a “PAEDO BIKINI”? With the Paedo Bikini you will look so young that paedophiles will swarm around you on the beach like Italian wasps around a juicy pear. Nothing makes you feel young and fancied like a Primark Paedo Bikini! It’s a full bodylift in a halterneck.

And the even better news is that that the Paedo Bikini – ask for it by brand name – is on sale to seven years olds in Primark. Right now seven year olds are shunning sweets and Playstation Games to buy a Paedo Bikini.

As the Sun says on its front page, the paedo bikini gives you a “sexy shape”. The Paedo Bikini sells under the motto “too much at too young an age”.

If you kids didn’t want one before, they do now. The breast shapes make them attractive to “predatory perverts”. No word on what the Sun’s Page 3 Chloe, 22, from Leeds makes of it. But her lack of bra tells you much about her disgust.

Says the Sun:

Primark bosses invite parents to send out girls of seven dressed as sex objects to be leered at by paedophiles

Better the children wear simple swimsuits, school uniforms, tracksuits, pyjamas, bikinis, skirts, trousers, boots, salopettes, coats, gloves and burkas which all leave paedophiles cold and render any child immune from turning on a predatory pervert.

Posted: 14th, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

Faces On Your Cafe Latte: A Gallery

ANORAK presents the faces of your morning café latte. The latte is the upside-down greasy spoon cup of tea. In the old days before the coffee invasion, you needed to finish the drink before discovering a face or a picture of a thumb or hair in the bottom of the brew. With a latte, the answer is on the top. Time to eat some face:


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Posted: 12th, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

In Pictures: Proof That Kim Jong-il Is A Fashion Leader

KIM Jong-Il is a fashion leader. North Korea’s Gary Glitter prototype is a leader of fashions. AFP reports:

The trademark suit sported by North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il is now in fashion worldwide thanks to his greatness, Pyongyang’s official website said Wednesday.


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Posted: 9th, April 2010 | In: Fashion | Comment (1)

World’s Worst Restaurant Signs

ANORAK’S consumer spotter brings you a collection of the world’s least appealing restaurant signs. Some are lost in translation, especially where the shrimp is shagging the lettuce. Enjoy…


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EU Approves Sale Of ‘Fucking Hell’ Beer

Road Signs – The Bizarre Ones

Posted: 9th, April 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

In Pictures: Lindsay Lohan For 6126 (Knock And Wait)

LINDSAY Lohan will not do porn. Lindsay Lohan does art and leggings. If there were a magazine called Tits And Leggings, granted, Lindsay would be a shoot-in for the masthead. But there isn’t. Yet. And this means that Lindsay Lohan is not a soft porn star. Lindsay Lohan is fashion model for clothing label 6126. Incidentally, Great Portland Street 6126 was the number of Old Mr Anorak’s favourite concubine, ‘The Dowager’, until it was raided and became a private pharmacy (knock 6-1-2-6 and ask for Meow Meow)…

The Most Bizarre And Worst Celebrity Dolls Ever Made


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Posted: 8th, April 2010 | In: Fashion | Comment

In Pictures: Selena Gomez For Asda

SELENA Gomez was at the launch of Disney Channel’s ‘Wizards of Waverly Place’ George at Asda fashion range, at One Marylebone in central London. We saw the new teen sensation in her black top and spangly skirt. Also there: Sol Campbell lookalike (NSFW) Alexandra Burke and the increasingly ubiquitous Danielle Lineker, wife to crisp fancier Gary Lineker…


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Selena Gomez at the launch of Disney Channel's 'Wizards of Waverly Place' George at Asda fashion range, at One Marylebone in central London.

Posted: 7th, April 2010 | In: Fashion | Comments (2)