TV & Radio | Anorak - Part 102

TV & Radio Category

Television and radio programme reviews, trailers, highlights, twilights and cinema news. Also the neglected gems from years past.

Klass Is The Tops

“CAN you tell fake from real?”

That question to you, Sun readers studying the form of Myleene Klass.

For a second opinion, Sun readers can see Myleene two different bikinis, one yellow, and the other black.

So are they real? You may care to feel if the bra on Myleene’s white bikini, the one that so illuminated the I’m A Celebrity jungle. Is there a hint of wire? Or is Myleene supported by something else?

And you can get your hands on the white bikini for real.

The “big-hearted” beauty is auctioning off her outfit. And she wants the proceeds to pay for her boob job.

No, not really. Myleene – who says her breasts are natural – wants the money to go to customers of Farepack, the collapsed Christmas club.

“I don’t know how much the bikini will raise,” says she, “but I just wanted to do my bit and hope it helps.”

And she is not the only bestowing Christmas cheer on one and all. The Star leads with Aisleyne, once of Big Brother. “If a guy smear chocolate all over my naked body, “I’m in heaven,” says Aisleyne.

She goes on:” Five times a night is normal as far as I’m concerned. Plus being double-joined in my legs means I can do sexual positions other girls can’t.”

Indeed, not everyone can be as fortunate as Aisleyne. So she offers some advice.

“Show as much flesh as you’re comfortable with,” sys she. “ Show your legs or cleavage, but both is bit much”, sage advice illustrated by a shot of Aisleyne dressed in a strap of cotton and knickers.

But looking beyond that, we return to the question: “Can you tell fake from real?”

Take your time…

Posted: 5th, December 2006 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)



The front page of the Star promises much. Where other papers just have news and the odd Page 3 stunna, the Star offers the full multi-sensory experience.

Inside the paper, what promised so much is distilled into a picture of I’m A Celebrity… evictee Phina Oruche wearing a blue bikini and jumping into the air.

That’s the sex. What of the cocaine? “I think they were handing out cocaine to some of the stars, because all of a sudden people were laughing and running around doing head-stands,” says Phina. “Being a moral Christian I wouldn’t touch it. I don’t know what the others did, though.”

That’s moral Christians for you. (Perhaps this deep spirituality is why Phina speaks in tongues, switching between any number of accents in a single sentence.)

The show needs spice. And to solicit the contestants do entertain, Phina tells us that the producers offered them bribes.

“Every night they’d promise us a cookie or a chocolate brownie or a cup of coffee if we spilt the beans. They’d sat, ‘Tell us your carer highlights and we’ll give you a scone’.”

For some of the celebrities on the show getting a scone on I’m A Celebrity would be the standout career highlight.

So much for bribes and drugs. Let’s have another go at the sex. And read the Sun’s tale that Jan ‘Screaming’ Leeming will strip for Playboy if they offered her £250,000.

“My skin is not as taut as it used to be otherwise I would wear a bikini for the shoot,” she tells us.

No need. For a few pence Sun readers can see some tight skin in a bikini. It’s Myleene Klass and there are a further six page of the bikini with Myleene in it spread across the paper’s centre pages.

These are the “HIGH POINTS” of the show. “(That’s both of them…)”

Might it be that Myleene’s assets are the show’s true stars? And the cry will soon go out: “We’re The Celebrities…Get Us Out Of Here!”

For £250,000 ono…

Posted: 29th, November 2006 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

A Welcome Gest

I’m A Clebrity…

LIZA Minnelli: I hope David Gest gets “f*****d by a kangaroo and eaten by crocs” in the Australian jungle.

Such is Gest’s growing legend that he may share his estranged wife’s ambitions.

Indeed, if either event was caught on camera, Gest would be hard to forget, and a shoo-in to win the £250 weekly prize on You’ve Been Framed and star on other TV outtakes shows.

But Gest is already proving himself to be an able star. Here he is asking Jan Leeming: “Does my hair look ridiculous.” Leeming assays the clumps and wood stain. “The fact that you have grown a beard and a moustache looks better,” says she. “Don’t shave, you look more butch.”

Leeming then adds: “Beards really turn me on.”

In which case she should grow one and then maybe learn to feel about herself and stop moaning. A bearded Leeming may turn out to be yet more attractive to Toby Anstis. It was he who asked: “What schoolboy didn’t have a crush on Jan Leeming?” At guess, we’d say al the schoolboys that weren’t you, Toby.

Anstis and Leeming are making decent fists at entertaining us. But it is Gest who leads the way in all things.

And for this reason, Gest features on the cover of the Mirror, the paper showing the world what he looked like “BEFORE” the surgery.

“When he was young people stopped mother in the street to tell her how beautiful David was,” says his sister Barbara. “It’s hard to believe that now. He does not look the same.”

Indeed, if at 53-years old Gest still looked as he did when aged 18 months, it would be still more incredible.

He’d look like Scott Henshall, or Pee-wee Herman, as he used to be known…

Posted: 17th, November 2006 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

I’m With David Gest

I’m A Celebrity…

IT is as clear as Toby Anstis’s girlish complexion that Liza Minnelli got the better end of the deal in her marriage to David Gest.

Rather then being a wimpering fool, Gest is I’m A Celebrity’s best entertainment by the length of Faith Brown’s bra straps.

What’s more, Gest is far removed from being the show’s most effete male. The competition for the role of camp camper is tough – someone called Scot Henshall (no, neither have we) may have believed himself to be the show’s man’s man in residence.

But that was not counting on the considerable challenge presented by Anstis, Anstis’s tight white underwear, and Cherie Blair’s half-sister Lauren Booth.

Incidentally, 35-year-old Toby’s girlfriend, Stephanie Stewart says she and Toby are tighter then his pants. “It’ll be hard to see him massaging another woman,” says she. “There’s no way he would ever cheat on me though. We’re a very strong couple and call each other at least 20 times a day.”

But nothing is as strong as David Gest.

Here was David wearing a snake around his neck. Here was David taking on Cherie Blair’s half-sister Lauren.

Standing by a pre-jungle drop hotel table laden with drink, Gest told Cherie Blair’s half-sister Lauren that he had read what she had said about him.

Cherie Blair’s half-sister Lauren had said: “He’s scarier than Michael Jackson. He’s got an ironing board face and I’m terrified.”

Rather then shy away from her, Gest told Cherie Blair’s half-sister that he did not admire her pisspoor writings. “You’ve had such great things to say about me in the papers today,” said Gest.

Cherie Blair’s half-sister Lauren replied: “You know it’s just those flippant remarks – you say things like that when you’re nervous – you say silly things on the phone.”

Yeah. Professional journalists and commentators are always saying things without thinking or researching what they’re saying. Tsk!

Cherie Blair’s half-sister Lauren then showed she had acquired none of Gest’s cool and got her top all wet.

Later Gest got wet in a Bushtucker Trial called Flash Flood, collecting six stars (equating to six meals) for his jungle mate.

Back at the camp, Gest told them: “They out two gators in with me and when I saw them I said: ‘Weren’t you at my wedding.”

Gest does the dares. Gest does the jokes. Don’t get Gest out of there…

Posted: 15th, November 2006 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

I’m A Celebrity…

FOR fear of his facial plugs coming unstuck and pebble-dashing the jungle canopy, David Gest declined the offer to bungee jump into the I’m A Celebrity… encampment.

Until now, we’d snuggled up to the belief that these pampered celebrities signed any right to say “No” when they took the reported £100,000 for a maximum of two weeks work.

If we wanted Jason Donovan to get in touch with his inner anteater and eat grubs, then he would have to do it. The public would vote for Jan Leeming to be crawled over by rats in a sealed grave. And if we decreed that Lauren Booth, Cherie Blair’s sister, should wear a Perspex fishbowl filled with toxic spiders for a balaclava then so be it.

But Gest has bucked the trend. Although given the reports of his arrival in Australia, he might be the scariest thing out there.

So terrifying is Gest that the sun introduces its readers to a topless Gest diving into the surf, and the surf diving out.

Sun readers are invited to answer the question: “Would you rather sleep with David Gest or…”

Options involve eating kangaroo scrotum, cleaning a turkey farm with your tongue, wiping Abu Hamza’s backside or being Paul Gascoigne.

It might be too late to change the show’s format, but if Ant ‘n’ Dec can implement these challenges we could vote for Gest to undertake them all.

The music promoter (it says here) could then shag Myleene Klass and tell us which was the worst experience.

And note that this is the man whose benchmark is a swift marriage to Liza Minnelli, friendship with Michael Jackson and a shaving mirror.

You think he scares easily..?

Posted: 13th, November 2006 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

The Gascoigne-Bests

AWAY from the arc lights, the sound booms and the cameras of Fiji, Bianca Gascoigne and Calum Best might just have a chance.

Bianca, step-daughter of Paul ‘Gazza’ Gascoigne, and Calum, son of the late George ‘Bestie’ Best, are the new queen and king of TV’s Love Island.

Anyone who watched the show and saw Bianca and Calum admire each other from very close quarters will hope that the pair can go on to create a new sporting dynasty.

But will they? Now, speaking to Hello!, Bianca is keen to tell us about her “UNFINISHED BUSINESS WITH CALUM”. “Obviously, I felt a strong attraction for him, and I think he felt the same for me,” say Bianca.

Indeed. Even before going onto the show, Bianca had a prophetic moment when she “jokingly” said, “It would be good if you could sneak Calum Best in here.” Calum was her “heart-throb”.

So the Gascoignes and the Bests may yet be united. And lest you worry about the offspring, know that Bianca’s half-brother Regan (son of the tired and emotional Paul and mum Sheryl) “resembles his famous footballing dad” and is a “well-mannered little boy”.

It might just be that the joining of two errant sporting families produces an especially obedient character who would no more pull his pants down and tell Norway to “f*** off” than he would forget to burp demurely into his napkin.

There is hope. And Bianca hopes to see Calum again. “Looking at pictures of him in the papers…made me realise that I really do like him. He’s a gentleman and he has respect for me,” says she. She talks of “chemistry” between them.

Great romances have been founded on less.

Posted: 8th, September 2006 | In: TV & Radio | Comment