Anorak

TV & Radio | Anorak - Part 48

TV & Radio Category

Television and radio programme reviews, trailers, highlights, twilights and cinema news. Also the neglected gems from years past.

How Will Heather Trott Leave EastEnders? You Decide

EASTENDERS is to muddle on without Cheryl Fergison, who plays Heather Trott. She will leave “in dramatic circumstances”, according to The Mirror.

The talk is of a “fitting end” for the character.

What would be a fitting end would for “Evver”, the character who works in launderette (yep – in 2011), once stood in a vibrating weight-loss bum machine, stalked  George Michael and ended up licking the lid of a Greek yoghurt pot from his bins. Heather is fat and, ergo,  a laughing stock and miserable failure with a heart of solid gold. One can only suppose that Heather is leaving because the soap has run out of fat issues to address.

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Posted: 17th, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


Tulisa’s X Factor Sex Session Shames Shagging Simon Cowell And Cocaine Taking Gary Barlow

DOUBTLESS inspired by Simon Cowell’s three-in-a-bed sex session, four budding bands have been booted off the X Factor.

Eight bands went with Tulisa to a her “Judges’ Houses sing-off” in Mykonos, Greece. The Daily Star reports on its front page:

But after just 48 hours on the island she hit the roof after discovering that some of the singers have been using their time abroad for raunchy sex sessions.

Says Tulisa, 23:

“If they’re just mucking about for fun to have a shag when they should be rehearsing, then I’m not into that at all.” The morning after, word leaked when some of the bands started gossiping and blabbed to the Daily Star about it.

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Posted: 17th, September 2011 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comment


Phoenix Nights To Shout Garlic Bread Pointlessly At You From The Silver Screen, Potentially

GARLIC BREAD! Hahaha! Garlic bread, of course, is the food that made everyone from outside of Bolton, believe that everyone from inside of Bolton thought it was the most glamorous, exotic thing they’d seen since the town was awarded a microwaveable chicken korma.

And now, Peter Kay is to potentially wheel out Phoenix Nights for everyone again, this time, on the big-screen.

It appears that Kay has already written the script and is currently looking at offers from film producers. Of course, the baffling success of the dreadful Inbetweeners movie hasn’t done any harm to Kay’s pitches.

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Posted: 16th, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)


Two Silver Surfers Work Out Their Webcam

BECAUSE the kids are always watching and viewing grandma and grandpa to laugh at later:

Posted: 15th, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


Seagulls Will Do Anything For Chips: Video

HOW does a largely chip-based diet affect British seagulls?

Posted: 15th, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


Rohit’s Tribute To The Mall Of Dubai: Th Future Of Music

PUTTING the HIT in Rohit – the star to tomorrow sings to the Malls of Dubai:

Posted: 14th, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


TV Choice Awards 2011: In Photos

THE TV Choice Awards 2001. Before the photos a word on gypsy Paddy Doherty’s victory in Big Brother. Rumrous that he won the show because evicting him was challenged in the High Court on the grounds of ethnic cleansing and bailiffs were at Dale Farm are thoght o be wide of the mark…

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Picture 1 of 16

Adele Silva arriving for the 2011 TV Choice Awards at The Savoy, Strand, London.

 

 

Posted: 14th, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (2)


Should The Next Doctor Who Be A Woman?

NERDS! How do you feel about the prospect of Doctor Who having boobs? Essentially, the question here is that, should there be a Doctor Whoman, would you be angry, disappointed or aroused?

You may think ‘It’ll never happen!’ thanks to some spurious tidbit of knowledge you gleaned from some grotty reference book you’ve had since you were eight, but the calls for the writers of this Whovian slop to branch out increase, year on year.

And now, John Barrowman is shouting too. In a really tuneful, stage-school way, naturally.

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Posted: 14th, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)


Sky News Breaks Down Hysterically During Paper Review

ROLLING NEWS is a surreal thing to tackle at the best of times, but what happens when it breaks down into fits of hooting, gusset-dampening laughter?

Of course, it’s absolutely brilliant.

During the Sky News Paper Review, giggles abounded with Andrew Pierce, Kevin Maguire and Anna Botting during a story about George Osborne ALLEGEDLY taking cocaine with spanking prostitute Natalie Rowe.

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Posted: 13th, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (11)


Nick Berry’s EastEnders Return Reminds Us How Much Better The Soap Used To Be

EASTENDERS is a waste of the licence fee. If Aussie soap Neighbours (now broadcast on FIVE) had been given the EastEnders prime-time slot four times week, it would get comparable viewing figures. The BBC should do this – it should shuffle the TV shows around until the viewers decide what they want and when they want it. EastEnders is ideal daytime telly fodder, up there in the reality stakes with Murder She Wrote and Diagnosis Murder, Doctors and Animals At Work, which are all  broadcast on BBC1 at lunchtime.

Granted, pre-schoolers will be challenged by the EastEnders pre-watershed moments of slaps, rapes, beatings, rapes, drugs, more beating, broken homes (the show’s writers and producers cannot create single cohesive family unit with a mum and a dad), threats, abuse, violence and Phil Mitchell’s garage mafia, but such dystopian slice-of-live stuff is as truthful at 7:30pm as it is at 7:30am.

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Posted: 12th, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (3)


Tea Is Served: Waiter Fills And Carries 15 Cups In One Go (Video)

ANORAK has one word for the Iranian waiter forced to carry 14 cups of hot tea in his hands: trays. They are the future…

Posted: 12th, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (3)


Red Or Black Renamed Black And Blue As Second Wife Beater Hits Cowell’s Show

WHEN Nathan Hageman won a million pounds on Simon Cowell’s ITV fairground show Red Or Black the tabloids were outraged. Hageman had been jailed for assaulting a woman. It took a confession from Cowell of three-in-a-bed-sex sometime in his dim and distant past to push the bad news on the bad show from the front pages. But now its is back on the cover. The People declares:

RED or BLACK – Wife Beater No 2

To quote another ITV Saturday night show, what’s yer name and where d’yer come from?

It’s dad-of-four Ryan Keating from Leeds.

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Posted: 11th, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


How To Free A Cat: A Video Guide

HOW to freeze a cat:

Posted: 9th, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


Celebrity Big Brother: The Daily Star’s Lies And Wet Dreams Were Better Than The Show

CELEBRITY Big Brother (proprietor Richard Desmond) is at its end. After 19 days straight of front-page reporting in the Daily Star (prop. R. Desmond), the paper can announce that the show’s winner is Paddy Doherty. He saw off Kerry Katona’s kidzz, ketchup and kebabs to take top spot and with it the spoils of breathless interviews in OK! (prop R. Desmond) and exclusives on Channel Five (prop. R Desmond).

Time, then, to look back and see whihc of the Daily Star’s front-page exclusies was the most factually correct:

Aug 16: “Big Bro Big Sexy Shock – Naked romps and kinky padded cell revealed”
Fact: No naked romps and no kinky padded cell

Aug 17: Jordan Busts Into Big Brother
Fact: Kate Price, for it is she, did not go on Big Brother

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Posted: 9th, September 2011 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comments (5)


Why You Never See A Fat Seagull: Video Proof

THIS bird will prove why pet shops don’t have escalators and you never see a fat seagull:

Posted: 9th, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


Women-Hating Daily Mail Hits Out At Other Vile Internet Scum Who Criticise Women Online

THE Daily Mail delivers “Your starter for hell” the story of “University Challenge girls suffer vile internet abuse“.

Andrew Levy tells us:

It began with Gail Trimble, the Oxford student whose triumphant appearances on University Challenge led to online sniping about her being a ‘horse-toothed snob’. Now other female contestants on the programme have been subjected to offensive internet campaigns.

Curse that internet!

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Posted: 8th, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


BBC Edits Jonathan King Out Of Top Of The Pops

THE BBC’s vacuous decision to edit out an appearance of Jonathan King on a 1976 edition of Top of the Pops for a BBC4 rerun sets an intriguing precedent. We all know King was convicted and jailed for sex with underage teenage boys a few years back, but what could be the rationale for this show ‘laundering’; this charade that King never existed?

As columnist Terence Blacker writes in theIndependent, “Certainly, if the BBC’s new policy is to give musicians a retrospective morality test before allowing them on the screen, its censorship department is going to be busy. There will be no room for Chuck Berry, Jerry Lee Lewis, Pete Townshend, Ike Turner and many others – and that’s before one has even reached jazz.”

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Posted: 7th, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)


Strictly Come Dancing 2011: Audley Harrison’s Second Chance And Edwina’s Eggshells

STRICTLY Come Dancing 2011 – and it’s a good year for sports fans in the televised pro-celebrity arena.

The stand out name is Daniel Lobb, a victim of nominative determinism who used to be Britain’s 18th best tennis player before slipping down the rankings to become the country’s 34th best sports presenter for Daybreak, the nation’s fifth best early morning TV show.

Other sports stars included:

Robbie Savage – Former footballer who loves to be seen and talks himself to the centre of every story. Look out for him dancing with himself.

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Posted: 7th, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


Nathan Hageman Is Tabloid Villain Of Th Month: Media Beats Villain Red And Black

NATHAN Hageman is front-page news. He won £1million on ITV’s Red Or Black.

The Show is best described by Dec of Ant ‘n’ Dec: “There’s no skill or talent involved.”

It is just a celebration of money.

To the Sun Hageman is:

“£1m Red Or BLack Fury – TV BRUTE KEEPS LOOT”

Hageman is a product of Bullingdon Britain, having been jailed in HMP Bullingdon in Oxfordshire. He got five years’ jail for attacking his former lover Amy Edwards and aggravated burglary.

And now he is being smacked about in the court of public opinion for lying. You see, what he told media after his win was:

“I got mixed up with the wrong woman, someone I shouldn’t have been involved with. I decided to get out of the situation and ended up with another woman, who was such a nice girl – completely different. But the woman I left wouldn’t leave me alone. Then I started getting calls from a guy in Reading. He was very threatening. I think she’d got involved with him. I tried to brush it off but he kept saying he was going to harm me. I was concerned for my mum, sister and niece and I went there and assaulted him. I was an idiot for doing it, I know, but that’s the state of mind I was in.”

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Posted: 7th, September 2011 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comment


Seal Man Is Her To Save The Day: Video

SEAL Man is here to save the day. This is what English holidaymakers get up in the noon day sun. The English and the mad dogs have much in common – it’s most likely why they get on with Colonel Gaddafi so very well…

Spotter: Arbroath

Posted: 6th, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


Bomb Does Not Blow Up Big Brother House: Tara Reid And Stars Remain Alive To Job Offers

TARA Reid is out of the Big Brother house (prop. R. Desmond). It’s front new on The Star (prop. R. Desmond). But there is yet bigger news:

“BOMB NUT AT BB HOUSE.”

It’s not just the show that’s bombing. Ed Gleave reports:

FANS fled in terror and staff were left injured when a bomb scare hit Big Brother.

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Posted: 4th, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


Animal Rights Hero Steven Seagal ‘Rides Tank Over’ 100 Chickens And Fellow Cocks

YOU are about to see Steven Seagal, the actor, break up a cock fighting ring at the home of unarmed 42-year-old Jesus Sanchez Llovera by driving a tank over a fence and, reportedly, also over lots of live birds. The justice was recorded for Steven Seagal: Lawman, a reality TV show that is actually real – yep, not a spoof (also starring celebrity lawman Arizona sheriff Joe Arpaio):

Shortly after the incident, Seagal explained that the raid on suspect Jesus Llovera—which involved a Maricopa County Sheriff’s Department team in full riot gear swarming his family’s home, as Steven Seagal crashed through his gates in a tank—all came about because, as Seagal said to a local TV station, “Animal cruelty is one of my pet peeves.” So in order to prevent said animal cruelty, Seagal and his team apparently “euthanized” the more than 100 roosters it found on Llovera’s property and, according to a just-filed claim from Llovera, also shot and killed his 11-month-old puppy.

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Posted: 3rd, September 2011 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comments (2)


Ex-Hoff Gets Booted Out Of The Big Brother House, But Gets Her Revenge On Half The House

YES! We have a 100% accuracy with the whole Predicting Who Is Getting Voted Out Of The Big Brother House thing. You really should start putting money on our guesswork because we’re quite clearly brilliant/sad enough to take an interest in the show.

As predicted, Pamela Bachman Turner Overdrive Hasselhoff was voted off, leaving odious, foetid cockatiel Darryn Lyons in the house with his man-made 20 pack stomach. Seriously. It looks like a dinosaur’s back.

The Hoff’s ex-wife got seven nominations from her housemates who all uniformly thought she was a whining old bag with nothing good to say about anyone.

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Posted: 2nd, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


Big Brother’s Amy Childs’ Romp Gives Hope To The Sexually Obsessed

CELEBRITY Big Brother has now been on the cover of the Daily Star for 14 straight days. While lesser organs look away, the Daily Star sticks to what it does best: talking up its proprietor Richard Desmond’s show.

Today’s news is that Amy Childs has been in a “THREE WAY ROMP” with Kerry Katona and Lucien Laviscount.

The romp is, of course, only a sexually charged encounter if you are a pubescent youth whose exhausted the gardening section of the Argos catalogue or a saddo sat in front of the magic box waiting Desmond’s porn channels to begin broadcasting.

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Posted: 2nd, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


Maddy Jackson Is The Four Year With Fake Breasts: Photos

SHIFT you cutie patooti Eden Wood, Step aside Botox Mum. Spin on this Sarah Burge. Four-year-old Maddy Jackson has C-cup breasts, a J-Lo derriere and more chutzpa than a Goonies Bar Mitzvah convention.

Maddy is a contestant on Toddlers and Tiaras, the telly show about beauty pageants.

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Posted: 1st, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)