TV & Radio | Anorak - Part 97

TV & Radio Category

Television and radio programme reviews, trailers, highlights, twilights and cinema news. Also the neglected gems from years past.

Holly Willoughby’s Breasts Are Cuffed

“DANCING On Ice bosses are thrashing out a £5million deal to keep their hands on sizzling Holly Willoughby’s boobs.”

The Star goes on to say that a £5million “golden handcuffs” deal is on the table.

Can you be handcuffed to your breasts?

And if so, should Ms Willoughby take to carrying her expensive breasts around in a gold attaché case, attached to her arm by said cuffs?

UPDATE:  The Dancing On Ice celebrity cull goes on. The Mirror reports that a “sickness bug” has hit the agonists…

Posted: 7th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)

How To Eat At The Sushi Bar

Posted: 7th, February 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

The Funeral Of Richard Dawkins

A RICHARD Dawkins Funeral Service Announcement:

Say the “King of Terrors Ministry“, unrelated to the Westboro Baptists:

We here at King Of Terrors Ministry have only one mission at heart, and this is to see the lost come to know the Lord Jesus Christ!

We do not wish any phyical harm to any individual featured on this website, We are peaceful in our stand for the Gospel and Truth of our Lord Jesus Christ!

Preaching your funeral before you die is a dramatization of what will happen when individiuals die rejecting Christ.

We Live in a generation that has grown cold toward God, We feel it takes something radical to show mankind who die rejecting Jesus Christ, their fate

If you are currently rejecting Christ, and have not sought forgiveness of your sin from him, then sadly Hell is a reality for you if you were to die in this state.

TODAY is the DAY OF SALVATION! Please do not negect such a great PRICE paid on your behalf by Christ himself, Repent now!

(via Pharyngula) and Cynical-C

And the Memorial Service:

No fans of Dawkins at Anorak, but with this firm around, it makes you wonder if there is a God. Feel the love…

Posted: 7th, February 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (5)

BBC Culls Grange Hill

grange-hill.jpgTHE BBC is axing children’s TV school drama Grange Hill after 30 years.

CBBC controller Anne Gilchrist tells us: “The lives of children have changed a great deal since Grange Hill began and we owe it to them to reflect this.”

It was once great. Then it became dreadful…

Tucker, Zammo, Gripper, Alan, Stewpot, Jonah, Bullett Baxter, Pogo, Trisha, Benny, Michelle, Roland – RIP. Gone. All gone.

It’s amazing how few characters from 30 years of shcool Anorak can remember.

File under ‘Shameless Nostalgia’. “Fancy yourself as a bit of circus perfomer, Jenkins..?”

Episode 1 – (and, yes, I the Anorak watched it)


Posted: 6th, February 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (4)

Life Below The Stairwell: Sarah Ferguson Is Matthew Parris

sarah-ferguson.jpgSARAH Ferguson has been “slumming it” in a £40-a-night bed-and-breakfast.

“What’s this?” you say. We knew Her Majesty is a good landlady and requires little by way of market-based rent from her lodgers but only breakfast? Surely, Liz can stretch to a light sponge and a jar of tea?

It turns out that Ferguson has taken part in a project to see how the other half live, walking about some of the county’s deprived estates and shopping with “low-income mothers” in Hull.

One may expert that Fergie took along her daughters in a bid to show them that life is not all taffeta and horses, but with EastEnders and Ski Sunday on the telly, they probably know that already. So she didn’t.

Although they can check out life below the concrete stairwell because Fergie went equipped with an ITV camera crew.

Fergie In Action 

Says Fergie: “This show is from the heart and is a progression from my 11 years with Weight Watchers.”

You see, the underclass are fat, and not in good way, but full of jelly roll, murder burgers and addictives.

Fergie is conducting a social experiment. She has got “footie fit”, able to run the length of football pitch without being out of breath. And not on a horse, but actually running, in hells, skirts hitched up and everything.

It is all not unlike the 1980s programme World in Action” – For the Benefit of Mr. Parris.

Back in Thatcher’s Britain, then Tory MP Matthew Parris tried living for a week in Newcastle upon Tyne on the £26.80 which was at the time a single unemployed man’s supplementary benefit.

He failed miserably. But as Parris writes in his newspaper column: “A couple of months later I was famous, and I never really looked back, quitting politics the following year for television and journalism. That programme made me.”

His is a success story, and one Fergie is keen to repeat. Chuck in some science on junk food, a look at property hot spots to go with the football and the realism, and Fergie could be the ubiquitous face of TV for years to come…

Posted: 6th, February 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (4)

Coronation Street Stars Lose Their Heads

liam-connor.jpgIN the Mirror’s Coronation Street update, readers see “Corrie hunk” Rob James-Collier sidling up to his bride Samia Smith.

We mean, of course, factory boss Liam Connor marrying Maria Sutherland.

Now you know the truth. And you can send flowers, good wishes and any medication you have spare to the happy couple courtesy of Granada Studios. Happy day. Happy thoughts.

But the Mirror cannot believe its eyes. Look, it says, Liam’s girlfriend is called Lauren and she looks a bit like Maria, but now that she’s dyed her hair from blonde-ish to black-ish she looks like Carla, who’s Liam’s “Corrie lover”.

To put the tin lid on it all, we learn that when blonde, Lauren ran a boutique called Garnet Boudoir in Great Missenden, Buckinghamshire.

Says a Corrie insider: “They’re very in love, but they both have their heads screwed on.”

But whose heads are they?!

Posted: 5th, February 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Dancing On Ice: Holly Willoughby Figure Skates

holly-willoughby-bust.jpgPLANS to broadcast Dancing On Ice as Casualty LIVE! are well advanced.

The idea to put ice skates of celebrities, push them onto an ice rink and watch the cull was inspired, if not a little dark to film it and broadcast the highlights as family entertainment.

Plans to have the ice thinned and for celebrities to fall beneath it are as exciting as they are challenging.

But even the Circus Maximus can get a little samey, and the camera pans round to show Holly Willoughby dressed in a low-cut gown.

Give us a twirl, Holly, as Bruce Forsythe was wont to order the lovely Anthea Turner in more innocent times. But Holly is not one for turning. She faces forward. And the papers stare.

The Express says Holly’s dress is the main talking point on Dancing On Ice.

Vanessa Feltz says the dress is “an accident waiting to happen”. At any moment, Holly could spill forth and cause Suzanne Shaw (sliced scalp, fractured rib) to have a seizure.

“Golly, Holly,” says the Sun’s Fergus Shanahan. Holly is “saving the bust till last”.

And we look. And the ice runs red…

Posted: 5th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment

How To Get Run Over: A Guide – Watch more free videos


Posted: 5th, February 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Dear Rescue


Posted: 4th, February 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (2)

Vest In Show: Big Brother’s Kate Lawyer Underwear Pledge

kate-lawler-15.JPGBIG Brother Kate Lawler wants £20,000 to run the London Marathon in her underwear.

Says Lawler: “If I raise the money by April 13, I will definitely run the 26 miles in just my underwear.” As opposed to wearing what, a rhino suit?

The message is clear. If you want to see Kate running through London dressed in a vest and hot pants, hand over the cash.

And if you want to see Kate Lawler running through London in a vest and hot pants, don’t give her any money…

Posted: 4th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment

Dancing On Ice: Holly Willoughby Distracts

holly-willoughby-naked.jpgMORE news from the celebrity cull show that is Dancing On Ice.

The Sun reports that Suzanne Shaw has cracked a rib. And this after her scalp was sliced open by a blade.

“She certainly is a fighter,” says presenter Holly Willoughby, that “dancing ice queen” who features on the Express front page by dint of her cleavage.

“All eyes” are on Willoughby, says the Express.

And that means we aren’t looking as Shaw is scraped off the ice and call to Kerry Katona is made…


Posted: 4th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment

Norman Tebbit’s Plan To Cull Gun Culture


It’s the Sunday’s Express’ front-page news, and the headline of the year.

“Tory peer Lord Tebbit wants to tackle Britain’s gun culture by teaching boys how to shoot.”

Isn’t it time we brought back National Service, let the lads take the Empire shooting test, perhaps at each other?

Little changes about Norman Tebbit. A picture proves Tebbit to look very much as he did in the pomp, all skin, hollowed cheeks and pied dog hair.

One thing that has altered is that Tebbit plan provides for free bullets, based on hand-outs not earnings, a reversal on the former Conservative Party chairman’s traditional position.

Says Tebbit:

“Kids should go out on shoots. It gives them a sense of excitement and kids, particularly young boys, have a need for a degree of violence.

“It is much better than playing a ghastly computer game. To have them struggling through the brambles, seeing people shoot is much more in the interest of the kids.

“Boys would soon find themselves in a man’s world and having to obey instructions.”

It’s an idea. But there is a suspicion that the strategy is a ruse to cull the hoodies and reduce the country’s Asbo mountain.

Look out for jousting-style tournaments, in which lads get on their bikes and cycle towards each other with guns blazing…

Posted: 3rd, February 2008 | In: Politicians, TV & Radio | Comments (3)

English Rugby’s First Hermaphrodite, David Strettle

BANNER at England v Wales rugby union match:

God made man
God made woman
God made Strettle

Last one to the shower’s a hermaphrodite…

Posted: 2nd, February 2008 | In: Back pages, TV & Radio | Comments (3)

Rugby Union: When A Lead Is No Lead At All

IRELAND 16 – Italy 11. Says the BBC TV commentator: “A lead of five points is not lead at all.”

Posted: 2nd, February 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Sarah Silverman Is F*cking Matt Damon

SARAH Silverman is f*cking Matt Damon. Oh the celebrity…

Posted: 1st, February 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Cupping An Ear To Russell Brand’s Wooden Wee

archie3.jpgNEWS that Russell Brand has urinated in a paper cup while broadcasing his show on BBC Radio 2 is of interest.

Brand is the Star’s “RADIO PEE-JAY”, standing up before relieving himself into a cup. The one arena of doubt is on whether this happening

occured live or was a prerecorded wee?

But how can we be so certain what was heard was the sound of a man weeing into a cup, and one made of paper?

Rather than this being the passing of a cultural milestone, a Where Were You When..? moment, it harks back to a more innocent time, when

ventriloquists were on the radio, on occassion in conversation with lip readers.

Brand is no less the “Wildman” of radio (Sun) than he is the new Lord Charles, with Orville’s backcombed hair and an emu down his pants.

For his next broadcast we expect to see Brand with Archie Andrews sat on his arm, educating listeners on life, love and which has the chattiest

tinky winky…

Posted: 30th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (8)

Who Hell John Loughton Is Brother Big

john-loughton.jpgWHO is John Loughton. Or to put it another way, as the Star does: “WHO THE HELL’S HE?”

While the Stars headline writer does an imitation of Mohammed Al Fayed, the paper’s Big Brother expects discover – yes, you’ve guessed it – that Louhgton is the latest winner of Big Brother.

The Star takes the question to the streets, asking “Who’s The Hell’s He?” of eight everyday persons. Two think Loughton is a comic; one thinks he’s a magician; four have no idea who is; and Laura “knew who he was – eventiually”.

Says Jim Whatshisname: “The test will be if anyone says: ‘You’re John from Big Brother. If that happens, I’ll let you know.”

Although the odds on him meeting a Daily Star hack, or Laura, are slimmer than Jade Goody’s Indian fan club…

Posted: 30th, January 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)

Machine Mashable: The Marijuana Vending Machine (Video)

WE’VE told you of California’s Marijuana ATM Machine. Now watch the video (bring your own snacks)…

Is the reporter the voice of Speak ‘n’ Spell machines? Good to see she’s still getting work…

Posted: 28th, January 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (2)

Skating On Thin Ice: Julie Mccaffrey On Vicky Beckham’s Pob Job

beckham-pob.jpgIN “Posh copied my hairstyle”, the Mirror looks at a Dancing On Ice “Exclusive” – ‘KRISTINA’ CAME BEFORE VIC’S POB SKATE STAR KRISTINA LENKO.”

The Pob is the name by which Canadian-born Kristina’s hair goes by.

Says she: “My hair was below my waist for a long time. But just before the first series of Dancing On Ice I told my stylist, ‘Do whatever you like’. He came up with this and I was delighted – it’s so easy to look after.”

A brisk walk, a biscuit and Kristina’s hair shines like a Pug’s nose.

She goes on: “I’m flattered and humbled that so many people like it so much. I was in the Australian version of the show when Jayne Torvill said, ‘Guess who’s got a Kristina cut now? Posh! That’s pretty amazing.”

But Kristina is a professional ice dancer and may take offence at the word’s of Julie Mccaffrey, the Mirror’s hack who begins her piece: “Gliding around the rink with all the effortless elegance of a swan, Kristina Lenko makes skating look so damn easy.”

Anorak has been to the lake and seen a swan trying to negotiate the ice. It is not enough unlike watching an un-sunned Vanessa Feltz jelly wrestling.

Duly, Kristina may care to rearrange Ms Mccaffrey’s hair, and, given the levels of violence (and here) exhibited on the show, alter her features, too…

Posted: 26th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Young Blades Needed In Dancing On Ice Meltdown

dancing-on-ice.jpgMORE thrills in the world of pre-celebrity ice dancing as GMTV’s roving reporter Michael Underwood falls to the ice.

His ankle is broken.

Underwood now adds his name to a lengthening roll of honour:

Lusardi, Linda (hairline fracture)
Shaw, Suzanne (scalp sliced open)

Soon the show’s producers will be forced to enlist people from everyday walks of life, hand them a stretchy Lycra singlet and some blades.

What we thought would never happen again may be soon made so. We are running out of celebrities on the frontline and need reserves.

Call Anthea Turner. Sound the bugle. Last call for Anthea Turner…

Posted: 25th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Jade Goody Cancels Big Brother

jade-goody-hoody.jpg“BB’S SO BAD EVEN JADE WON’T DO IT.”

BB is Big Brother and Jade is Jade Goody, aka Jade Baddie, Jade Hoodie.

Says Jade Goody on Big Brother: “Sorry, but the show is over.”

Why Jade should be sorry is not enlarged upon. She goes on: “It’s just over. I’m done with it.”

Jade seems to have been watching one of those EastEnders episodes when a Mitchell turns to his prone victim and says “It’s over when I say it’s over.”

Jade’s proclamation struggles for newspaper space in the Star with other shock news:

“Iain Duncan Smith says ‘I wouldn’t waste my time being prime minister!”

“Sarah Ferguson: Become Queen? No Way!”

“Michael Barrymore: I Would Rather Crawl Over Broken Glass Than Present The 10’clock News!”

And many more…

Posted: 24th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comments (2)

Home Shopping Presenter Meltdown

COULD you present on a home shopping channel? Could you be happy all day long? Could you sell such utter crap and behave like a talking Argos catalogue?

Posted: 22nd, January 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Geeks and Sport Mixcing

Posted: 21st, January 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Race For The White House: It Changes You

RACE for the White House: All change

Says Andrey Bartnez, the Russian disco artist: “This is a new generation who want to be alone. We never touch real people. We don’t want real people. We enjoy life alone. We feel comfortable, we feel beauty, and we enjoy to be like that. Many millions of people don’t want families, don’t want friends and don’t want relationships with anyone else because they enjoy a comfortable life. And we don’t want change.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 20th, January 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

The Hills TV Show Might Not Be Real

THE HILLS on TV today:

10:55 T4: The Hills Reality series following former Laguna Beach star Lauren Scott as she moves to Los Angeles to study fashion and work as an intern at Teen Vogue magazine. She finds it’s harder than expected to juggle work, school and partying, especially when her unpredictable room-mate sabotages one of her projects (888)

11.25am T4: The Hills Lauren must deal with the fallout of the Teen Vogue party. Meanwhile, Heidi lands an interview for her dream job and considers leaving school permanently (888)

And a health warning before the episodes:

‘The following programme may contain scenes that have been created purely for entertainment purposes.”

They hope…

Posted: 19th, January 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)