Anorak

TV & Radio | Anorak - Part 98

TV & Radio Category

Television and radio programme reviews, trailers, highlights, twilights and cinema news. Also the neglected gems from years past.

Young Blades Needed In Dancing On Ice Meltdown

dancing-on-ice.jpgMORE thrills in the world of pre-celebrity ice dancing as GMTV’s roving reporter Michael Underwood falls to the ice.

His ankle is broken.

Underwood now adds his name to a lengthening roll of honour:

Lusardi, Linda (hairline fracture)
Shaw, Suzanne (scalp sliced open)

Soon the show’s producers will be forced to enlist people from everyday walks of life, hand them a stretchy Lycra singlet and some blades.

What we thought would never happen again may be soon made so. We are running out of celebrities on the frontline and need reserves.

Call Anthea Turner. Sound the bugle. Last call for Anthea Turner…

Posted: 25th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)


Jade Goody Cancels Big Brother

jade-goody-hoody.jpg“BB’S SO BAD EVEN JADE WON’T DO IT.”

BB is Big Brother and Jade is Jade Goody, aka Jade Baddie, Jade Hoodie.

Says Jade Goody on Big Brother: “Sorry, but the show is over.”

Why Jade should be sorry is not enlarged upon. She goes on: “It’s just over. I’m done with it.”

Jade seems to have been watching one of those EastEnders episodes when a Mitchell turns to his prone victim and says “It’s over when I say it’s over.”

Jade’s proclamation struggles for newspaper space in the Star with other shock news:

“Iain Duncan Smith says ‘I wouldn’t waste my time being prime minister!”

“Sarah Ferguson: Become Queen? No Way!”

“Michael Barrymore: I Would Rather Crawl Over Broken Glass Than Present The 10’clock News!”

And many more…

Posted: 24th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comments (2)


Home Shopping Presenter Meltdown

COULD you present on a home shopping channel? Could you be happy all day long? Could you sell such utter crap and behave like a talking Argos catalogue?

Posted: 22nd, January 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)


Geeks and Sport Mixcing

Posted: 21st, January 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


Race For The White House: It Changes You

RACE for the White House: All change

Says Andrey Bartnez, the Russian disco artist: “This is a new generation who want to be alone. We never touch real people. We don’t want real people. We enjoy life alone. We feel comfortable, we feel beauty, and we enjoy to be like that. Many millions of people don’t want families, don’t want friends and don’t want relationships with anyone else because they enjoy a comfortable life. And we don’t want change.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 20th, January 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


The Hills TV Show Might Not Be Real

THE HILLS on TV today:

10:55 T4: The Hills Reality series following former Laguna Beach star Lauren Scott as she moves to Los Angeles to study fashion and work as an intern at Teen Vogue magazine. She finds it’s harder than expected to juggle work, school and partying, especially when her unpredictable room-mate sabotages one of her projects (888)

11.25am T4: The Hills Lauren must deal with the fallout of the Teen Vogue party. Meanwhile, Heidi lands an interview for her dream job and considers leaving school permanently (888)

And a health warning before the episodes:

‘The following programme may contain scenes that have been created purely for entertainment purposes.”

They hope…

Posted: 19th, January 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)


The Media Messengers And The Media Message

WRITES Guido:

Yet Andy Marr fathering a child with Alice Miles whilst married to Jackie Ashley goes unreported. Across newsrooms, at Islington and Hampstead dinner parties it has been common knowledge for years. These three journalists are at the heart of the politico-media nexus that constitutes the new ruling class. The producers and editors who are the media gate-keepers would not be keen to dish the dirt on their own… despite the fact that it would be of huge interest to the public.

Rumours of unattractive people having sex – discuss… Or ignore… Are the messsengers as important as the message?

Posted: 19th, January 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


Big Brother Is Wathing The Sun

sun.jpgTO the House of Lords Communications Committee in the company of the Independent.

Rebekah Wade, the Sun’s editor, the Ginger Ninga, is giving evidence in the matter of media ownerships. Her boss is Rupert Murdoch.

Says Wade: “He can’t understand why I devote so many pages to Big Brother.”

Looking in today’s paper, we can find no mention of Big Brother, aside from a line on the satellite TV listings page.

No coincidence, surely..?

Posted: 17th, January 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment


Dancing On Ice Needs You

skate_capsize.jpgTHE Sun says the Dancing On Ice pro-celebrity skating show is “searching for the best “NON-CELEBRITY” skater.

Readers may care to know that Chris Fountain is illegible on account of his being billed as a “celebrity”. So too is Michael Underwood, who fills the pro-celebrity dancing slot reserved for “GMTV Presenter”.

TV executives will be looking beyond the GMTV sofa to find a yet-to-be celebrated ice skating talent who will then perform in the season finale.

With any luck the country’s best non-celebrity ice skater will get to have the full celeb experience and be belittled by the talent show’s obligatory unpleasant judge, in this instance Jason Gardener, who seems to be suffering from some kind of fungal face infection (get the insults in first, kids).

We will watch avidly, as will the British Winter Olympic committee who are always on the look out for talent and amateur sportspersons comfortable in shrink-to-fit lycra…

Posted: 17th, January 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)


Extreme Makeover: Angels With Dirty Faces

EXTREME Makoever, the best reality TV show ever:

Posted: 17th, January 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


Corey Delaney Shows That The Internet Beats TV

COREY Delaney, also known as Corey Worthington of Melbourne, Australia threw a party while his parents were gone. Around 500 people showed up. Things were done.

The TV presenter wants Corey to appreciate the power to TV. She wants him to apologise on the telly. The Anorak imagines the telly is very important to her, it may well be everything. But to Corey it is just a medium, and it not like it’s the web, where he will be revered.

Corey is creating memories. He’ll probably grow up to work in marketing and use his party as his best anecdote…

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 16th, January 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (4)


Slim Pickings On Coronation Street

rovers.jpgTHE camera cuts to a perplexed pub cook Betty Turpin eyeing with a suspicion often reserved for visiting Cockneys and edible knickers, Coronation Street’s polenta and cheese ready meal.

Betty had best get used to it. The Sun says Coronation Street “bosses” have ordered the cast to stop eating fatty foods and to slim down. Even today’s widescreen TVs are proving too small to contain the thespians.

“Big Stars like Jennie McAlpine, who plays Fizz Brown, will be under the microscope,” says the Sun. Or, rather, the telescope.

This is, of course, no more than reality entering the world of fictional soap.

Viewers should expect one of those health warnings to punctuate each instalment of The Street – “Characters are played by actors who eat five pieces of fruit a day, the cigarettes are asparagus tubes filled with organic talcum powder, and crisps are made of raw slices of potato, the ‘crunch’ sound produced by the sound affects team munching on carrots.”

Look out for cameo appearance from Jamie Oliver who enters the Rovers bar and cooks crisps from “raw”, before adding a natural chicken flavour by killing a hen live on air and with an artisan’s pestle and mortar grinding the meat to a fine powder…

Posted: 16th, January 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment


In The Night Garden: In The Changing Room

mr-benn.jpgCHILDREN look away now. More news of the In The Night Garden industrial tribunal.

The Sun says “TV gay” Isaac Blake (a professional Tombliboo) was called a “faggot” after “he and another man were caught with their trousers down in the changing room”, allegedly.

It was never this way with Mr Benn. One step into the changing room and he was altered in a jiffy. Although the shopkeeper did have a strange look about him and an extensive CCTV video collection…

Posted: 16th, January 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment


Freddie Starr Gooses Samantha Fox On Wife Swap

freddiehamster.jpgFOR some years, Anorak has been wondering as to the whereabouts of Freddie Starr.

Fears abounded that Mr Starr was languishing in an Austrian jail, charged and found guilty of mentioning the war and glorifying in Hitler as he toured with the act that made him a stalwart of ITV’s Who Do You Do? through so much of the 1970s.

One of Starr’s escapades was goose-stepping up and down London’s Oxford Street dressed as Hitler, hailing taxis and demanding to be taken to Poland. Did he try to rescale the comedy heights in Vienna?

Happily, it can be revealed that Freddie is at large and soon to appear on the TV show Wife Swap. Freddie will swap ‘wives’ with Sam Fox, the 1980s topless model, who lives with Myra Stratton.

Freddie’s wife is one Donna, who is 27 years his junior. Freddie is 64, making Donna a sprightly 37, a mere nipper when Freddie was doing Hitler.

Anyone keen to discover if Donna actually thinks Starr is Hitler should tune into the show…

Posted: 15th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (25)


Charlotte Mears Gets Her Extension

jermaine-defoe-meares.jpgLAST week Anorak’s Media Centre (Brent X) tuned into Channel 4’s A MILLION POUND PLACE, in which “England international Jermain Defoe and his fiancée, model Charlotte Meares” go holiday home hunting.

In truth, Jermain stayed at home, leaving Charlotte and her mum to check out the spare bedrooms.
When Jermain did feature it was to talk over the phone to Charlotte, who called him “babes”, put on a silly girly voice when money was mentioned (“It’s 1.8, Babes”) and addressed the phone in TV manner – holding the handset in front of your face and looking at it.

Sadly, things were not meant to be. The show was punctuated by the sad news that Jermain and Charlotte had split up. That phone call was omitted.
But now Mears, as the Sun bills her, plans to win back her footballer, who is now dating Danielle Lloyd.

At some point, the Anorak will plot footballers’ careers since they dated Ms Lloyd: Sheringham, Teddy is now turns out for Colchester United; Marcus Bent is on loan at Wigan; and Defoe is as popular at Spurs as last season’s lasagne.

But Mears has a plan. As the headline trills:” I’ll get boobs like Dani to win back Jermain.”

It is genius. Forget the house, Jermain can stay at home and make do with an extension…

Posted: 14th, January 2008 | In: Back pages, TV & Radio | Comments (4)


People In Order: For Whom The Drum Tolls

“PEOPLE in Order” – a film that shows 100 peopl aged from one to 100 striking a drum:

Posted: 12th, January 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)


The Noel Edmonds Deal Or No Deal Nightmare

DEAL Or No Deal – I watch because I hate it.

Noel Edmonds calls the sweaty studio the “Dream Factory”. He just said it.

A dream where you are shut in a windowless room with Noel and a bunch of people opening boxes, guessing, Noel talking about “game plans”, Noel’s banker (conversations with Noel’s God)  and hugging is not a dream. It is a nightmare!

Posted: 11th, January 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)


Who’s Not Watching Big Brother

“CELEBRITY Big Brother has been “AXED”, announces the Star’s front-page news, the paper choosing to lead with a story about a show no-one knows is on.

“Plug pulled on ratings flop.”

Look out for tomorrow’s news “EXCLUSIVE”: “SAVE Big Brother”; “Big Brother Who Cares?”; and “Big Brother In Sex Roasting Shame!”

Posted: 11th, January 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)


Five Most Unfortunately Named Products: Ayds

THE Top 5 Most Unfortunately Named Products. At No. 2:

Source

Posted: 7th, January 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


Sexy Darts On The BBC

THE world darts championships is on the BBC TV. Says BBC sports presenter Ray Stubbs: “It’s time for the very famous mating call from Martin Fitzmaurice.”

Look out for headlines that darts is the new sex. Says Fitzmaurice, with bedroom eyes: “Let’s play darts!”

Posted: 5th, January 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


Et Tu, Helmut: Plunging with Celebrities

GERMAN TV.

And now over to Sharon Osbourne for the scores…

Posted: 4th, January 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


Big Brother Talent Spotting

“BIG Brother signs up Jade again,” says the Sun.

But – wait a mo – this Jade is not Jade Hoody but Jade Eden.

She is one of the housemates who have, as the Mirror notes, “excelled in the world of sport, arts, music and politics”.

Two of the contestants list their talent as “circus act”. One, Liam, has a talent for “business”. Jade’s talent is that she is a “beauty queen”.

Where is the real talent, you cry?

Where is the callow youth who can find a public toilet?
Where is the young woman who can play tennis and date Cliff Richard?
Where is the musician who can play the spoons – both sorts?
Where is the writer of the UK’s first Pet soap opera?
Where is the UK’s new Dame Vera Lynn?

Posted: 3rd, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)


Big Brother Celebrity Hijack

big-brother-bullies.jpg“CELEB BIG BRO CRISIS.”

The Daily Star’s Tabloid New Generator comes up with a story. News is that the new Big Brother series is in “meltdown”. (See Big Brother in chaos.)

This year’s show is called Celebrity Hijack. It features a dozen agonists, “who each have an exceptional talent”. As do we all.

The talent is cajoled by Big Brothers, celebrities of the caliber of Joan Rivers, Christine Hamilton and John McCririck.

The front-page “fear” is that the celebrities will be more entertaining than the contestants.

But such things are best left unplanned.

Indeed, the Star’s headline generator may care to invert the headline and fret about the celebrities being as unentertaining as the contestants…

Posted: 31st, December 2007 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)


Catholic Tony Blair’s Private Life, A Mass Of News

gordon-blair.pngTONY Blair has converted to Roman Catholicism. “Why now,” asks the BBC’s 10’clock news?

Firstly, says the reporter, “Anything in the prime minister’s life can cause huge attention, huge fuss and Tony Blair wanted to avoid that”

Tony Blair converts is the lead news item on the TV news; “Tony Blair joins Catholic Church” is the lead item on the BBC news website.

So why did he convert now..?

Posted: 22nd, December 2007 | In: Politicians, TV & Radio | Comments (29)


John Darwin: Live From Panama City

darwins-panama1.jpgJOHN Darwin is the lead story on the BBC’s 6 o’clock news bulletin.

That the story of a man who claims to have no memory of the past five years is the main news item is testament to this country’s media.

The BBC’s Duncan Kennedy is live from Panama City, where Mr Darwin’s widow now lives.

“We’ve only just arrived ourselves,” says Mr Kennedy live from Panama City.

And of Mrs Darwin? Says Kennedy live from the scene: “We don’t know her exact location tonight.” He tells us that she “may be with friends”.

More live news later…

John Darwin is missing here and haunting here 

Posted: 5th, December 2007 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)