Geordie Slapper

‘WHILE Scandinavians need to watch at least four hours of pornography a night to summon the vim to copulate, we Brits need only the merest whiff of knicker elastic.

‘Ooops! My top’s fallen down again’

We like our sex low-key and behind net curtains. And since Big Brother is loud and played out under brilliant, eye-blistering neon, we as a nation are not really bothered if any of the housemates have sex or not.

Which is why Michelle Bass, the would-be topless glamour mo-del and self-confessed porn lover, is called a slapper in the Star, a paper expert in such matters.

In fact, so much of a slapper is the Geordie lass that her ‘disgusted’ family wants her to leave the house to stop her ‘giving Geordie slappers a bad name’.

A neighbour of Michelle’s parents, Lorraine and Peter, is just as upset.

‘She’s acting up and pretending to be a daft Geordie slapper and it really isn’t doing her any good,’ says he. ‘She’s an insult to Geordie slappers.’

That is some insult. And it’s one that had led to Michelle’s granny, 78-year-old Doris, being so upset that she’s now on a respirator.

If Michelle leaves, Big Brother might not get its first ever live shag, but it might be responsible for its first ever demise.

And we don’t mean the death of TV…’

Posted: 8th, June 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink