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Anorak | The Witches Of Walford

The Witches Of Walford

by | 21st, February 2005

‘EASTENDERS celebrates its twentieth anniversary this week with two murders and an abortion. It seems that the good old fashioned Cockney party spirit lives on.

‘When shall we three meet again?’

Unless you’ve been in Camp X-ray for the past six months, you can’t fail to know that Dirty Den is about to die for the second time.

The three Witches of E20 – Sam, Zoe and Chrissie – have formed an unholy alliance and have agreed to help each other get revenge on the man who’s destroyed their lives.

Zoe wants to make him suffer after he tricked her into sleeping with him and getting her pregnant – a pregnancy she had the good sense to terminate.

Sam has just discovered that Den helped the Mitchell family lawyer, Marcus, swindle her out of everything she owned – including The Vic.

And Chrissie – well, she’s married to the hideous old goat and that’s reason enough.

Chrissie has managed to trick Den into signing a document that gives her legal rights over all his worldly assets – i.e. The Vic and his hideous leather jacket. So now the scene is set for the one-hour ‘Who Murdered Dirty Den?’ special which producers are hoping is going to pull in more viewers than the BBC Four testcard.

Andy is set to join Den in the (mockney) gangsters’ paradise in the sky when he also gets murdered. New hood on the block Johnny Allen has decided that the Square ain’t big enough for two cardboard stereotypes, so he lures Andy into a lay-by and kills him.

Which is actually a bit of a shame as Andy has improved immeasurably over the past couple of months – likening Jake Moon’s mental capacities to a monkey with a Rubik’s cube.

More bad news in store for two other Walford residents when the Department of Work and Pensions comes knocking on the Miller’s door.

Stacy contacted them out of spite when Rosie Miller called her every name out of the Tourettes dictionary for almost killing her son Darren with an alcohol overdose.

Stacy had dared Darren to drink a bottle of schnapps that she’d stolen from the mini mart and being fourteen and about four foot tall, he passed out and was rushed to hospital.

Rosie and Keith gave Stacy a piece of their minds – of the tiny bit they have left after years of cheap booze and watching QVC.

Unluckily for Keith, the one time he actually got out of his chair in about six months was when a member of the Work and Pensions department happened to be filming him.

“You’re very agile for someone with crippling back pains,” he told Keith. “You may not need your incapacity benefit any more,” he continued with a smile.

Keith has never had a paying job and is completely removed from the real world, so it’s difficult to see what he’s actually going to be able to do – apart from marrying into the royal family.’



Posted: 21st, February 2005 | In: Tabloids Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink