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Anorak | Cruise Control

Cruise Control

by | 7th, October 2005

‘WOULD mother of six Jackie Smith have given birth to such a brood had she been carrying Tom Cruise’s children? And don’t forget the four other children Jackie’s given birth to as a surrogate mother.

There’s Jackie in the Mail, looking understandably full of hip and round of tum; she’s pregnant again and is expecting surrogate number five to pop out on Christmas Eve. And aged just 39, Jackie thinks she has more babies to bear.

While we gaze with wide-eyed wonder at Jackie, and wonder if you can be treated for an addiction to child birth at The Priory or some other clinic, we return to our opening question: would Jackie have had so many nippers if she was with Tom Cruise?

And we wager that the answer would surely be a loud: “No!” If you doubt our opinion, take a look at the Sun’s headline and think again: “KATIE’S FACING CULT’S ‘SILENT BIRTH’ – Tom’s girl banned from crying in pain.”

Since it’s unlikely Katie Holmes, for it is she, will be crying for sheer joy or from laughing too hard in the delivery room, we marvel at her fortitude.

And investigate the reason for this ban, which is routed in Scientology, the doctrine Tom adheres to and in which Katie is being tutored.

As Scientology’s creator, the boaty L. Ron Hubbard writes: “Maintain silence in the presence of birth to save both the sanity of the mother and the child.”

Quite right, says John Travolta, that other Scientologist of renown, who insisted his wife Kelly Preston gave birth to his daughter in silence, something the Sun says she was unable to do and wound up crying out.

Says Travolta, who like Cruise and Hubbard is a man: “In Dianetics you try and keep the delivery room quiet so there’s nothing recorded in the child’s mind that shouldn’t be there while there’s pain going on.”

Er, yes. Anyone who can make sense of that can explain it to the rest of us.

And know that such talk flies in the face of the advice given by countless other showbiz types, who like to shout as loud as they can before, during and after their pregnancies, and then tell anyone and everyone all about it in minute detail.

But that’s nor for Katie. And if she’s thinking of having a strong epidural or being knocked unconscious by a hammer, Hubbard has a few more words of advice: “The delivery should carry as little anaesthetic as possible.”

The pain of childbirth will be intense. And we wince at the thought of things becoming complicated and Holmes having a Caesarean, or an “emergency Caesarean” as its known in showbiz circles.

We duly advise Holmes to alleviate the pain, and in so doing remain mute, by chomping down on something spongy and yielding, like a book on Scientology or Tom’s head…’



Posted: 7th, October 2005 | In: Tabloids Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink